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When Chan first brings Felix home, he refers to him as his “little Australian brother”.
His parents like him, his siblings like him, his dog likes him - really, one hour in and Berry is attached to Felix, napping in his lap like there’s no place she’d rather be. Chan can’t blame her; dogs tend to flock to kind people, and Felix is as kind as they can get.
They all adore him, Chan the most out of everyone; still, he’s confused when his mom asks him since when “this” has been going on.
Chan does not know what “this” could mean and he tells his mom as much, which is the exact moment Lucas decides to scream “Channie has a boyfriend , oooh!” in that obnoxiously endearing way only a little brother can.
“Felix is not my boyfriend Lucas, he’s my best friend,” he explains, grasping his blonde mop of hair in fake-annoyance.
“But you hold hands!”
“Friends can hold hands!”
“But you kiss him,” Lucas whispers, horrified to even mention something as icky as kissing.
“On the cheek!” Chan exclaims with a laugh. “If he was my boyfriend I’d kiss him on the lips.”
“Ewww!” The youngest bolts out of the kitchen. “Cooties!”
Chan keeps laughing, wonders why his mom doesn’t laugh with him.
Wonders why Felix is standing in the doorway, awfully quiet.
Later, when they are up in his room cuddling on his bed, Chan takes a break from stroking his hair and asks.
“Did Lucas freak you out with the boyfriend thing? You’ve been off ever since. Sorry about that, you know how kids are.”
“No, no,” Felix says, still sounding a little bothered. “I just thought…”
“What?” Chan asks, looking down at the boy when he trails off. His freckles are so much more pronounced even after just a little time in the Sun. Chan thinks it suits him so well, thinks his best friend is handsome, pretty, beautiful even.
“Nothing,” Felix replies. “Forget it.”
That night, he sleeps with his back turned to Chan instead of clinging to him like an octopus like he usually does. Chan doesn’t know why it leaves such a sour taste in his mouth.
*
He forgets about it fairly quickly, and by the time they are back in Korea Felix is also back to his normal self. Touchy, funny, adorable.
He’s the cutest when he’s sleepy, his hair fried and all over the place, all heavy eyelids and soft pout.
Chan wonders from time to time how different it would be to not have Felix with him, a piece of home away from home, someone who gets his humor like no one else does, someone who shares the childhood experiences he cherishes so much.
He wouldn’t know what he was missing. He doesn't dwell on it for too long though, since Felix is such a big part of his life now. He can’t really imagine it any other way.
*
“I’ve been talking to Felix a lot,” Hannah says on one of their facetime calls. Chan’s eyes go wide - he’s happy if his sister and his best friend get along, but he's never heard of this from Felix, even though they live together.
“What, really? Since when?”
“Since you left, basically,” Hannah confirms.
“Huh,” Chan huffs. “He never mentioned it to me.”
Hannah sighs. “Chris,” she says in a tired voice. “Just… I don’t know, bro, just talk to him.”
“We talk all the time,” He says. The whole thing is just not making sense to him.
“No, Chris, ugh,” Hannah buries her face in her hands. “God, why is it so difficult with you?”
“I’m not really following you here, sis,” he says at last, fully lost.
“I’m not surprised about that. Listen, I’m not the one you should be hearing it from, so just… talk to him, yeah?”
Chan nods. “Sure… is he okay though? Should I be worried?”
“He’s fine.”
She changes the subject then, and by the time they finish the call Chan is so tired that he falls into a deep sleep right away.
*
Comebacks happen. Photoshoots happen, appearances happen and Chan throws himself into his work, drilling until he feels like a robot more than a human. He mostly forgets about his and Hannah’s talk but when he does remember it never seems like a good time to mention it to Felix.
As the months pass it seems less and less significant - Felix is his usual self most of the time so it's probably not even relevant anymore.
Between two comebacks Chan gets a dating offer - it’s nothing new, they get them all the time. A representative from the other idol’s company will reach out to JYPE, informing them about the idol who is interested in getting to know him. Some of them don’t even make it to Chan, as they are reviewed before the offer is extended to him.
She’s from a group which is not very popular from what he gathers, despite having debuted several years ago.
She’s pretty enough - and it comes at just the time where he’s been beating himself up enough and feeling lonely enough to, for the first time since he debuted, actually say yes.
The kids invite him to join them for dinner and he turns it down, confessing about his upcoming date. Some of them cheer, saying how it’s about time, but Changbin is strangely quiet, eyeing Felix.
Felix has a tight-lipped smile and wishes Chan a good time timidly. Chan smiles back and thanks him, not noticing the way Changbin takes the younger boy’s shaking hand in his, leading him away.
And then, somehow, as he goes to arranged meetings with her, Felix becomes less like himself. Not like himself at all.
“Are you going to actually date her?” He asks one night, out of nowhere. “Like not just meeting but like, a relationship?”
Chan shrugs. “I don’t know, Lix. I mean, she’s nice. And she’s pretty. I like her but I’m not sure yet if I like her romantically. Maybe I just need more dates to find out.”
Felix is biting his lips, bouncing his leg as he hums.
“I’m gonna go to sleep,” He announces abruptly, standing up.
“Can I join you when I’m done?” Chan asks, a half-finished instrumental glaring at him mockingly from his laptop screen.
Felix stops and turns, hands balled into fists.
“Not tonight,” He says, voice soft. “Some other time okay?”
Before Chan can ask if something is wrong he’s already out of sight.
*
It fizzles out before it can turn into anything. There's no real spark between them, so Chan ends it to not lead her on. She cries a little but ultimately agrees - they decide to stay on friendly terms.
He tells the kids about it but doesn't check for their reactions. He just wants to forget it happened at all, embarrassed about trying at failing at something which comes so easy to others.
*
“You seriously don’t know?” Hannah deadpans when Chan asks her if she knows what has got Felix feeling so down lately.
“Hannah, don’t- don’t play games with me right now, okay? This is serious, I’m worried about him. He’s avoiding me,” He says, propping up his phone on a pillow so he can lie down without holding it.
His sister literally scoffs at him, with an eye roll to boot. “I’m not playing games, this is not a game. You have to talk to him, I’d be betraying my friendship with him if I told you.”
“Wh- and what about me? I’m your brother!”
“I seriously doubt that sometimes with how dumb you’re acting. Just talk to him.”
“But he won’t talk to me! It’s always “ I’m fine ” , and I’m getting really worried. I’m not- I’m not ready to-” Chan sighs. “I just don’t want to lose him. He’s not talking to me.”
“Then keep asking.” Hannah’s tone is final and she hangs up immediately.
Tomorrow, Chan thinks. He will ask tomorrow.
*
“Oh sh- Bin, you scared the hell out of me!” Chan exclaims, not expecting to see Changbin standing in front of his door first thing in the morning.
Ever since they moved into the new dorms, it’s been a little more quiet - before he could pinpoint at any moment where everyone was just by their voices carrying through the tiny dorm. Now, he’s not even sure who is home and who isn’t sometimes.
It’s more comfortable, but a tad bit lonelier too.
“Morning,” Changbin greets him, pushing his way into Chan’s room and sitting down on the bed. “I want to talk to you about Felix. I need you guys to sort this out because it’s killing me. Actually not just me, all of us.”
“Well take a number,” Chan replies, closing the door. “I wish I knew what his mood was about, but he’s not telling me.”
Changbin blinks, freezing, looking at Chan like he grew two heads. “You don’t- wait. You seriously don’t know?”
Chan sees red.
“Can everyone stop saying that? Can someone please not speak in riddles and actually tell me what I’m supposed to do? Because no matter how many times I ask, Felix won’t tell me what’s up. Clearly he’s told other people though, so why am I the one who is supposed to solve it?”
“You’ve gotta be shitting me,” Changbin interjects but Chan isn’t done yet.
“I know I’m the leader but I’m not a wizard. I’m not a mind reader. So help me out here Changbin, or so help me I will kick you out of my room.”
Changbin breathes out with a deep sigh and, with a single sentence, changes the trajectory of Chan’s life forever.
“He’s in love with you, idiot.”
Changbin watches with mild fascination as Chan’s brain shuts down and boots up again, piecing bits of information together to fit this newfound discovery.
“Oh.”
“ Oh ,” Changbin echoes, incredulous. “He’s in my room. Figure it out.”
“Okay,” Chan says. Then, “Can I brush my teeth first?”
“Are you planning to kiss him?”
The younger laughs as Chan goes into shutdown mode but ultimately lets him pull himself together a bit before he heads over.
*
“Hi,” Chan says as soon as he enters Changbin’s room, finding a sleepy looking, puffy eyed Felix there.
“Hi,” Felix sniffles. “Sorry.”
“No, you're fine - actually I… I am the one who should be saying sorry.”
“What, why?” Felix looks up with shiny eyes, following Chan as he sits down on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees.
“...Changbin told me,” is all Chan says, and it’s enough to send Felix into full on crying.
“No- I told him not to!”
“Why?” Chan turns, not reaching out for Felix just yet, just in case that's not what the boy wants right now.
“Beca- because,” he hiccups a breath in between, “it’s gonna, gonna ruin everything.”
“Why would it ruin anything?”
“Because! I mean come on,” Felix sobs. “An idol in love with his bandmate? Please.”
“It’s more common than you’d think,” Chan replies softly.
“Still! It’s gonna be so awkward now because you don't like me that way… a-and I don’t know when I will get over you. I don’t even know if I can.”
Chan’s heart hurts.
He’s looking at Felix when it hits him, sweet, kind Felix with his puffy eyes and red, tear-streaked face, with his bedhead - the worst he’s ever looked, really - is still the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.
“I’m not asking you to get over me,” Chan whispers, tentatively reaching for the younger’s hand. “I’m asking you to forgive me for not seeing your feelings sooner.”
Felix looks up at him, eyes shiny.
There’s hope in them, despite everything.
“Don’t- don’t say it if you don’t mean it. I can’t take that.”
“Felix.” Chan squeezes his hand. “Listen, I’m not… I’ve never been in love, I don’t think. Not yet, or not fully at least. All I know is - I love you a lot. You’re my soulmate, yeah?”
Felix breaks down at that, pulling his hand away to hide his face.
“Hey. Look at me,” Chan asks, and Felix complies. “Come here.”
The younger sobs into his shoulder as Chan holds him, tighter than ever before, unrelenting.
“What I’m saying is, I’m willing to try if you are as well. For you, for us .”
Felix pulls his face away from Chan’s shirt, leaving a wet patch in its place.
“What if you regret it?”
Chan smiles.
“I don’t think I can, little one. You’re my soulmate,” Chan repeats. “That I am one hundred percent sure of. You know me better than anyone. And I love you - I mean, am I fully in love? I don’t know, I don’t think so. Not gonna lie. But I definitely feel like I could. If we pursued this. Us.”
Silence.
“Plus you’re like, really hot, so…”
Felix snorts at that. “I mean not right now…”
“Nah, even right now. I think you’re beautiful.”
Chan cherishes the smile that pulls out of him, wide and toothy and just so Felix .
“Okay, if… if you’re sure. For us.”
“For us.”
*
Falling for Felix is unbelievably easy. Chan falls, and he falls hard .
It’s in the small things, really.
The way Felix giggles into kisses. The way he’s so polite when greeting seniors, or anyone for that matter. The way he holds Chan’s hand, so soft but so secure.
The way he smiles.
The way he laughs.
The way he makes love to Chan like he’s the only person that matters.
The way he is just so unapologetically himself.
Just Felix.
*
The second time Chan brings Felix home, he refers to him as his soulmate.
Or boyfriend.
On occasions, baby.
Sometimes as honey.
And when they are tucked away under the covers, getting lost in each other, and he feels like he’s the luckiest man in the world, he breathes “My love. My everything.” against Felix’s lips. Not for anyone else to hear, but for Felix and him.
For them.