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He'd been watching her for a while but she hadn't moved. He knew there was something heavy weighing on her; could spot the signs from a hundred miles away. It had been there for a while but Emily just pushed it aside. Stephen didn’t want to be selfish while also wanting to hold on and never let go. He was going to lose her…already felt her slipping through his fingers.
What a difference a week made. They were supposed to spend the weekend together but it didn’t work out that way. On Saturday Emily had a serious work emergency. Stephen did his best to be nowhere near a television so he wouldn’t have to watch it unfold. It didn’t work.
He saw that bank explode and knew the woman he loved was inside. She made it back home to him. The next evening, instead of dancing and enjoying himself at Jennifer Jareau’s wedding, Stephen was at the State Department. There was a military situation in a former Eastern Bloc country and his expertise was needed on conference calls and in meetings.
Now it was late Sunday night and they still weren't together. He woke up in bed alone; found Emily sitting on his couch and staring into space. She lit a clove that he was sure wasn’t her first. Any words Stephen could’ve said were stuck to the tip of his tongue.
He didn’t want to say them. He didn’t want her to think he was OK with her walking out on him or on them. If she left he knew it was impossible to stop her. But Stephen damn sure wasn’t going to let her think it was OK. He’d played that role for too many years and didn’t have the strength to do it anymore.
“Maybe I should put on some tea.” He said, finally making his presence in the room known. “It might help you sleep.”
“I'm alright. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Well maybe it'll help me get back to sleep.”
Emily nodded though she didn’t turn to look at him. She took a deep inhale of her clove. There were a million words to say but stringing them into coherent sentences was a struggle. Hurting him wasn’t her intent…it had never been. Still, Emily did it more times than she could count.
She promised herself that she’d stop doing that. She promised the same to him. This was all too much. All she wanted was to be alright. She wanted to be alright with Stephen.
Damn Clyde Easter and his shitty timing. Damn Ian Doyle and his revenge tactics. Damn that she was never normal, not once in her life. What had she been fighting for all these years if she couldn’t settle down? Traveling the world, fighting the bad guys, kicking ass and taking names…all of that was awesome.
But Emily had difficulty seeing herself doing that in her 50s and 60s. She wanted a husband, she wanted children; she wanted normal. So how come her stomach churned every time she thought about that house that she wasn’t going to settle on? How come her heart beat a little faster when she thought about hopping a plane to London?
How come she wanted to burst into tears when she thought of the look on her teammates’ faces or leaving Stephen? What the hell was she supposed to do with all of these emotions? What if she made the wrong decision? What if she made the right one but then spent too much time fixated on the wrong one?
She wasn’t a young woman anymore…life wasn’t going to wait for her. She had to live it. It was possible to live more than one way but not more than one. Emily felt like this was her final decision. She had to make one and stick to it.
“Did you get good pictures at the wedding tonight?” Stephen sat beside her. He put two teacups on the coffee table, leaned back on the couch, and crossed his arms. Sighing, he immediately uncrossed them. That was a sign of defensiveness, which was surely the last thing she needed.
“Stephen, it was beautiful. JJ was so surprised and she and Will…” Emily sighed. “We had a really good time. They’re a good couple and now it’s official. I know JJ loved it just as it was but almost losing him made her know she wanted to declare her love before God. If you believe in it, it’s important in the end.”
“Yes it is.” He nodded. “So what about you; did you catch the bouquet?”
“Clyde Easter wants me to move to London and run the Interpol office there.”
“Clyde Easter was at JJ’s wedding?”
“No,” Emily shook her head. “He called me when he saw some of the news coverage on Saturday morning. It turns out Izzy Rogers had been on Interpol’s radar for a long time. She just had so many aliases that it took a moment to gather her M.O. So Clyde helped us work up a profile for who we were dealing with. Then he tells me that he got a promotion and he wants me to run the London office.”
“And you want to go?” Stephen tried to pretend his hand wasn’t shaking as he picked up his teacup. Emily didn’t touch hers, she just smoked her clove.
“I don't know.”
“Tell me what you do know.”
“That Clyde Easter has always had shitty timing.”
“So have I,” Stephen replied. “You’ve never held that against me.”
“Patti Scialfa says you can't go back.” Emily said. “I've done it twice. I've probably done it a million times. But she's right. I may walk into Hotch’s office tomorrow and resign from the BAU.”
“You love that job, Emily.”
“Yeah, I do.” she nodded. “But nothing lasts forever.”
“So you're going to London to pick up where you left off with James Bond?” he asked.
“Whatever future I have with Clyde is not romantic. Though he surely doesn’t mind using his considerable charm and wiles to get what he wants.”
“Its human nature…some are just better at it than others.”
“I hope you're not comparing yourself to Clyde.”
“I'm doing no such thing.” Stephen shook his head. “This is it for me, Emily; this is the end of the road. I love what I'm doing and I was sick to death of running all over the world. If you have more life to live all I can encourage you to do is live it. Do I want to lose you, absolutely not? Do I want your body here when your heart and soul are somewhere else? I would rather be alone.”
She looked at him. So that was what he had to say? He wasn’t going to fight for her. He was just going to give up, resign himself. Of course if her heart and soul said to run what the hell could Stephen really do to stop her?
He was too old to don armor and fight in epic wars. He deserved his peace as much as she deserved hers. But Emily thought they were going to find that peace together. They had been since January and it was the best five months she’d experienced in a long time. She was part of a relationship.
It wasn’t sex on the side or something happening in the dark. It was real; it was loving, fun, and full of life. How could she look him in the eye and say it wasn’t good enough? It had been good enough. Everything with him was good enough.
But the fire in her belly was stoked by Clyde’s offer. He was a good man doing good things. He could also be a bit of a snake oil salesman. The last time Emily Prentiss got into bed with him, literally and figuratively, she almost didn’t live to tell the story. And then the monster came back for her and the people she loved.
She would be OK if that never happened again. But he wasn’t asking her to go undercover and risk her life. This was a cushy but still adventurous office job. She would be like Strauss. Of course Emily saw what happened to Erin Strauss. She fell down, hard.
She survived but what was going to be like to pick up the pieces of a life you thought you knew so well before it turned on you. What Emily had was good. She loved her work, loved her friends like family, and loved her man. You couldn’t go back, it was true, but back was a relative term. She was back in the life but she didn’t have to be back in the same old thing. How in the hell was she going to fix all of that in her head?
“I don’t know what I'm going to do.” she admitted.
“Maybe you should talk to someone about it.”
“I've tried. The words aren’t even there. I think that’s what I want more than anything, to find the words. I want to find the feelings and the fire and stop having these moments when I'm walking around numb.” Emily sighed. “I deactivated a bomb yesterday that was wrapped around the neck of someone I've come to care about. He has a wife, now, and a little boy and we both could’ve been blown to bits. Not to be insensitive but my God, if that didn’t give me a rush what will?”
“You think London will give you a rush?” Stephen asked.
“I don't know.”
“Be truthful with me, Emily. Don’t talk to me like I'm the man you might leave behind. Talk to me like the friend I've always done my best to be to you.”
“But you are the man I might leave behind.” She replied. Emily sipped her tea. He made it just as she liked it but that was no surprise. Stephen knew more about her than almost anyone and yet he knew nothing.
Maybe that’s what Emily was most afraid of. The longer she was here, and she’d been here almost longer than anywhere else, the more exposed she became. Her secrets were already in the hearts and minds of those around her. Not all of them, to be sure, but enough of them. “Maybe that’s my greatest fear.” She whispered.
“I don’t follow.”
“If the people I love know all the things that I've done, maybe they won't love me anymore. I'm no angel, Stephen.”
She ran her hand over her face. Then she put out the clove and lit another. It would be her last but she had to have it. Emily needed something to stop her whole body from shaking.
“So you're running from you?” He asked. “If that’s the case then you're never going to happy. No matter where you go, love, you're going to be there.”
“Aren't our neuroses supposed to be ridiculous?’ she countered.
“A lot of them can be. This one sounds pretty serious. All the people around you, everyday, those you love; they have secrets too. Some are deep and some are dark and some are horrible. But you don’t love them any less or judge them. That’s life. It comes with the good, bad, shitty, happy, and occasional lazy Sunday morning.”
Emily thought about the day she told Rossi about her abortion. That was three years ago and he never brought it up once. He knew about it but never threw it in her face. He never asked her what it was like. He didn’t think of her as a whore or an idiot. He just comforted her when she was upset and was a friend to her.
They all protected Hotch and Jack after George Foyet killed Haley. They tried to save her too but failed. And now, two years later, he was moving on with his life. Beth was so lovely. Emily loved to see the look on Hotch and Jack’s faces when she was with them. Especially Jack. That little boy had been through so much…he deserved the happiness.
“I don’t even want to think anymore.” Emily shook her head. She couldn’t think anymore. All she wanted was to smoke this clove, drink this tea, and fall asleep in his arms. She was always safe in his arms.
“That’s fair enough.”
“None of its fair and you don’t have to pretend that it is, Stephen.”
“All I want is for you to be happy.” He reached for her hand. “I don’t know if I can make you happy. I can damn sure try…I have been trying. If you leave, I’ll be devastated. At the same time, if it makes you happy I can't hate you for that.”
“Then you'll be alone.” She said.
“No, I won't be alone. I have my work, I have my sons, and I have my friends. I’ll get a dog; I’ve been thinking about getting a dog. I’ll read and cook and travel for fun, not work. I have plans, Emily. I don’t feel trapped in this existence. It would be amazing to share every moment of it with you. If not, we’ll always have Toronto.”
“Toronto was amazing.” Emily squeezed his hand. “Being with you has made me happy, Stephen.”
I’m just not good enough, he thought but didn’t say. He just lifted her hand to his lips and tried to smile. They'd been here before and Stephen walked away with dignity. He would do the same this time if it came to that.
“I'm tired.” He lied. “And I have to get up in a few hours and do it all over again.” Stephen kissed her hand once more before letting it go. Something in him said it might be the last time. “Will you come to bed soon?”
“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “Stephen, I love you.”
“I love you too, Dulcinea.” He leaned to kiss her, caressing her face in his hands. “Leave the window cracked because of the cloves, alright?”
She nodded and watched him walk back into the bedroom. Emily didn’t want to leave him. She didn’t want to leave her team, her family, or her de facto hometown. Yes, there were cracks in the foundation but that didn’t mean the house was beyond repair. Running away didn’t mean that if left neglected the house still wouldn’t fall apart.
It needed repair. She needed repair. There was a chance that happiness waited for her in London. There was a bigger chance that it didn’t. Emily sighed and put out the clove.
Finishing the now lukewarm tea, she went over and opened the window. She could smell the storm coming; could feel it in her bones. Maybe staying in bed tomorrow was the best thing Emily could do. It wasn’t going to solve her problems but she might just do it anyway.
The storm was coming and she needed to take cover. The feelings weren't going away. Emily was going to have to confront them. She might never be able to fully resolve them. That was something she would have to face when the time came. The time seemed to be right now.
***