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Emily didn’t recognize the number on her cell phone but the vibrations woke her. She looked over at Stephen, still sound asleep beside her. The storm had begun outside. She needed to answer it before it went to voicemail.
At this hour, not even 6am, Emily had no idea what to expect. Please don’t let it be bad news, she prayed. No one wanted bad news at this hour. She didn’t want anymore bad news period.
“Hello.”
“I heard you might be leaving again. Do you want to talk about it?”
She didn’t have to ask who it was, she recognized the voice immediately. What she didn’t know was how he knew and why he was calling her after almost five years. Emily shivered and felt the goose bumps start to cover her from head to toe. Was this really happening?
“How did you know…?”
“I spoke with Morgan.” He replied.
“You talked to Morgan? How long have you been doing that?”
“I don’t very often. I saw what happened on the news; he's who I call when I'm worried about you guys.”
“Did you ever think of just calling us?” she sat up in bed and then got out of it altogether. She walked into Stephen’s bathroom and closed the door. “Our numbers haven’t changed.”
“I don’t think anyone wants to hear from me.”
“Don’t be an asshole, Jason. Of course everyone wants to hear from you. For all we knew you were dead. This isn’t how I wanted our first conversation to go.”
“We can make this go anyway you want it to. I had to leave, Katya, you know that.”
“Did you have to leave without saying goodbye?” she asked.
“I wasn’t in my right mind. I wasn’t in my right mind for a long, long time.”
“How are you now?”
“I called to talk about you.”
He said it in that tone, that Gideon tone. It was all-knowing, soft, lovely, and loving. If she closed her eyes she could still see him in her mind. The way he dressed, the way he smelled, and his facial expressions were something she’d never forget.
It was funny but he’d been on her mind a lot lately. Jason rejoined the BAU after a tragedy. He made it two years before another one claimed him. He nearly lost his sanity. Emily didn’t know if she wanted to lose that much before she walked away.
She wondered if he still thought about it everyday. Was he finally able to put the demons behind him with distance and time? Was his not being there with them punishment or a blessing? He surely didn’t sound as if he were suffering anymore.
“How are you? Where are you?” Emily asked.
“I'm in Toronto and I'm fine. I'm teaching and living and I still read about you guys. I may be an asshole for not calling, I concede that point, but after so long how does one even know what to say?”
“Have you at least talked to Spencer?”
“Yes. I don’t think he's ever going to forgive me and I won't ask. But he still allows me to call and talk occasionally. I'm sorry for what I did.”
“Don’t apologize.”
“Why, because I shouldn’t or because it’s too late?” Jason asked.
“I think the answer might be a little bit of both.”
“I thought you were dead too, Emily. I thought you were dead and my heart ached. It was like going through what I went through all over again.”
“Now I should be the one apologizing.” She said. “I didn’t want to do that but sometimes life hands us situations and we start down a certain road. Hotch and JJ put a lot on the line lying to protect me; to protect us. I laid low as long as I could.”
“You got the bastard.”
“We got him.” Emily nodded.
“You don’t have to apologize to me for anything. There was happiness when I found out you were still alive. The world is a better place with you in it. The BAU is a better place with you in it.”
“I'm not the same person you knew.”
“People change but you're always inherently you.” Jason replied. “You're smart, you're loving and loyal and caring and soft and hard in all the right places. You're strong…you're one of the strongest people I know.”
There was something in her that didn’t want to be strong anymore. Emily didn’t say it; she didn’t like the way it even sounded in her head. Strong was her default position. She didn’t know how she became who she became but here she was.
Emily Prentiss would hold her head high and do what needed to be done. She would do it in the BAU, Interpol, or another job if she chose to take it. She would do it at home with three babies changing diapers and making children’s sometimes rigid schedules. She would do it writing a book, something she always dreamed of doing…about what she had no idea at the moment.
“I cannot believe you're on my phone.” Emily said.
“I didn’t know what else to do. It’s been a long time and I can't pretend to be privy to exactly what you went through. I just don’t want you to go if you're running from something. I know from experience that it always catches up with you. Wouldn’t you rather be surrounded by the people who love you when it does?”
It already had, though Emily wasn’t going to say that either.
“Did you say you were in Toronto?”
“I'm teaching at University of Toronto.” Jason said.
“I was there, a few weeks ago. I was at the University of Toronto.”
“I thought I saw you. But then again I always think that I see you. They all look like you; from the back, the side, or a half a mile away. People look like Aaron too but I'm sure he doesn’t stray too far from Quantico.”
“He's getting a little better with that.” she didn’t want to tell him that Hotch met someone. Emily didn’t feel that was her place. “You think you saw me?”
“You were with an older gentleman coming out of the Symposium. I was far away and at first I wasn’t sure but something in my belly told me that this time it was really you.”
“And you let me walk away?”
“It couldn’t have been anything but awkward.”
“This is awkward.” Emily said.
“Yes, but we don’t have to look into each other’s eyes while we do it. I just…don’t let the bear eat you, Katya. If you want to leave the BAU, believe me I understand. But don’t run away from home. They need you; you need them. It’s a tight-knit family and it’s never the same when pieces are removed.”
“You're still missed.”
“I almost believe that.”
“I hated you for deserting us. I’d just been there too many times in my life and it hurt. You were going through hell, I get it. But you didn’t even say goodbye. We were just left to wonder and that’s hell when you love someone.”
“David returned to help keep things together.” Jason replied. He didn’t want to talk about Rossi. He didn’t want to talk about leaving but he expected that he’d have to say something. “I should probably go. I just had to call. Right or wrong or stupid, I had to call you.”
“Call me again.” she said.
Jason might not be able to help himself, which is why he hadn't called her in the first place. Everyone, including Emily, knew he had a soft spot for her. Jason Gideon wasn’t known for his soft spots. They could’ve had something, maybe, if all hell hadn't gotten in the way.
They were both well acquainted with it and it’s after effects. There was still time to save her. For him he was just lucky to get out alive. They didn’t have the same minds. Emily was better at taking control. She was better, almost, at letting people in to help.
“Goodbye, Emily.”
“Jason…”
“Don’t. I want you to be happy. I want that for all of you. I know that you have been and you can be again. Wherever you choose to find it, all I can do is be happy for you.”
“Thank you. Goodbye.”
Emily didn’t wait for him to hang up, she did it first. She did it and sat on the rim of the bathtub just holding her cell phone. Jason Gideon had just been on her phone. Emily heard his voice. She heard his voice; practically felt and smelled him. Should she tell anyone?
Had he been truthful when he said he sometimes talked to Spencer? She could and couldn’t understand why Morgan didn’t tell her about the phone calls. They shared so much but they all had their secrets. Had he talked to Hotch at all? She knew how much he missed him even if he never said. There were lots of things Hotch didn’t say but that didn’t mean Emily was unaware.
Before getting up and going back into the bedroom, Emily sent Hotch a text message. ‘I know I said we would talk today but let’s make it tomorrow. Barring emergency, and there better not be one, I think I'm just staying in today. I’ll be there tomorrow. Call me if you need me.’ –Emily. She walked back into the bedroom, turned Stephen’s alarm off, and slipped back between the sheets. He sighed as she moved into his arms.
“Don’t go yet.” Stephen mumbled, nuzzling her temple. He had no idea what time it was but he wasn’t getting out of bed yet and he wasn’t letting her either.
“I may keep you here all day.” She said, kissing his chest.
“If this is the part where I'm supposed to argue…”
“Shh, go back to sleep Stephen.”
“I was having a lovely dream.”
“I hope you can go back to it.”
“Reality isn’t so bad when we’re like this. If we could stay like this all the time…”
“We’d both be unemployed with atrophied muscles. Go back to sleep, Stephen.”
“Yes ma'am.”
Emily was surprised how quickly sleep came and wrapped her in its arms. It hadn't been as easy as it was with Stephen in a long time. Leaving that would be difficult if not impossible. He wasn’t the only reason she could think of to stay though.
So much of what he said the night before, and what Gideon said this morning, made sense. She was in her 40s; this was her life. There were changes she could make without turning the whole thing on its head. There were changes she wanted to make anyway. Maybe the first one would be to stop running away.
***