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“It’s already late, why don’t you just stay over?” It was a bad idea, a horrible, terrible, wretched idea but for some reason Akk was considering it. It wasn’t because of Ayan that he didn’t want to stay either, no, not at all. Instead it was because he had no new information on Ayan and Kan would ask about it, would ask what he found, what snooping he had done. What could Akk tell him? He’d done none? Had tried but was quickly caught and even if he hadn’t been, it felt odd going through Ayan’s things, wrong. It was a complete invasion of privacy that made Akk’s skin crawl, the idea of it happening to himself made him feel uncomfortable which just made the idea about doing it to someone else even worse. “Ai’Akk?” Ayan waved his hand in front of Akk’s face, causing him to startle. “You really are exhausted, no wonder you were falling asleep at the desk.” Ayan said with a little frown, his tone so painfully genuine that it nearly bowled Akk over.
Akk hadn’t known what to truly make of the look Ayan had been giving him when he first woke up with his face cradled against Ayan’s palm, his surprisingly soft hand shielding Akk’s cheek from the hard surface of the desk. But it made his stomach squirm much like that genuinely concerned tone did, a lot actually made Akk’s stomach squirm when it came to Ayan. The way he touched him when they spared, the way Ayan’s chest brushed against Akk’s each time he was pinned to the mat, heaving with exertion. When Ayan spoke out of turn to the teachers, or bought sausage for Singto the dog. The way he stood too close or when he’d pucker his lips to make teasing kissy noises at Akk, and especially how he smelled. Akk was sure he had lost his mind completely the day before when he had picked up Ayan’s forgotten hoodie and brought it to his nose to inhale more of that scent, his stomach fluttering and squirming as it flooded his senses. Yes, being too close to Ayan was not a good idea and yet Akk couldn’t stop throwing himself headfirst into Ayan’s path.
“Here, you’re too tired to even focus on chastising me, which means you’re clearly not getting enough sleep. You’ll stay here tonight.” Ayan said with finality as he searched through a few of his drawers until he came up with a pair of basketball shorts and a loose tee, he might have been shorter than Akk but he was slightly broader. “These should fit you, go shower and change then you can get some sleep.” Ayan said as he held out the clothing to Akk who just stared at the items like they might suddenly attack, Ayan huffed before reaching out and taking ahold of Akk’s wrist to pull his hand out and then promptly dropped the pile of clothing into it. “Go on bigfoot, before I change my mind.”
“Okay, jeez, pushy!” Akk said as he yanked his hand away from Ayan, sidestepping him to make his way into the bathroom. Inside the adjoining room, Akk dropped the clothing onto the counter next to the sink and sighed, resting his palms against the edge of the basin he allowed his head to drop forward between his tense shoulders. Ayan was right about him always being tense around him, but it wasn’t for the reasons that Ayan insinuated constantly, no, not at all. It was just because of how much stress Akk was under, between classes, prefect duties and keeping an eye on Ayan while trying to keep the curse from taking over the school, he was exhausted nine times out of ten. And if Ayan drifted into his thoughts more than once, it wasn’t because he liked the other boy, it was simply stress. No matter what his squirming stomach and fluttering pulse said, he could ignore it, he would ignore it, it was better that way.
He didn’t want to be like Thua, he wasn’t strong enough to be. Everyone knew about Thua, they didn’t speak about it - not really - but they knew. It’s one of the reasons Kan was so protective of Thua, because he didn’t know well enough to hide it and Suppalo was not the place to flaunt one’s abnormalities. Akk’s face twisted up at the thought, was that what it was though? Abnormal? He didn’t think so, didn’t think most of the boys at school were stupid enough to consider being gay as abnormal, in fact Akk would bet money that a lot of the other students were gay themselves just hiding it - far better that Thua and the small group of school protesters were at least. It was 2022, times were different, their generation was different, they were the ones that had to move forward and continue to shape the future. So why were they all so quick to squash that part of themselves? For Suppalo’s honour? For the curse? Was their freedom worth so little?
Akk shook his head like he was physically trying to rid his mind of his thoughts. “I’m starting to sound like Ayan.” He muttered to himself as he lifted his head to meet his own gaze in the mirror, he did in fact look exhausted. “Focus.” He said to his reflection. “You’re here to find out what Ayan is up to, nothing more. You can use this as an opportunity to get information from him, don’t over think.”
When Akk emerged from the bathroom some twenty minutes later, he found Ayan had cleaned up their study materials and was now sitting cross legged on his bed, holding his phone sideways as he smiled at something on the screen. Akk took pause at how nice it was to see Ayan smile in his own home, it was much more open, freer.
“Are you just going to stand there by the bathroom or are you going to come lay down?” Ayan asked without looking up, Akk startling slightly, he hated that Ayan always seemed to be able to make him jump.
“I’ll sleep on the floor.” Akk said as he marched over to the side of the bed and grabbed one of the only two pillows that was on it, they had been tucked up together when Akk had first entered Ayan’s room but now they were laying side by side at the head of the bed, a clear invitation if he had ever seen one.
“Don’t be stupid, you’ll get a pain in your back and neck if you sleep on the floor.” Ayan said as he put his phone down, looking up at Akk where he was standing at the side of the bed clutching the stolen pillow against his chest. Akk couldn’t stop his eyes from doing a quick scan of Ayan’s body, his bare arms and legs, the fact that his shorts were bunched up in such a way that Akk could see the tattoo across Ayan’s upper thigh perfectly. He wondered what it meant, had it hurt to get? Was it more or less painful than the one on hip? Akk quickly snapped his gaze back up to Ayan’s face, hating the small smirk and slightly smug expression. So knowing, too knowing. “I've already told you, I wouldn’t do anything to you when you’re asleep, there’s no fun in that. Besides, I’m not interested in being the experimental phase of whatever repression you’re currently living in.” He said with a little motion toward Akk’s general direction.
“I’m not repressed!” Akk argued back, why did he always have to argue!?
“Okay, constipation then. Whatever it is that makes you have that look on your face.” Ayan quipped with a shrug as he shifted back to be able to pull the blankets out from under him, slipping his legs beneath them. “Just get in bed and sleep, you’ll be fine, I promise.” Ayan said, putting his phone on his nightstand before he looked up at Akk once again. “You can trust me.” It was the most honest Akk had seen Ayan, even more so than when they had fed Singto together or teased one another while washing up afterwards. His deep soulful eyes, always so mournful and sad, fixed wholly on Akk with a vulnerability that made Akk ache.
“Hmm.” Akk hummed with a little nod, unable to really speak. Instead he dropped the pillow he was holding onto the bed and pulled the covers back, allowing himself to slip beneath them before settling. He let out a shaky breath as he stared up at the ceiling, unmoving. He didn’t see Ayan smile at him, but he didn’t need to, he could feel it like an imprint on his skin. There was a small shuffling noise beside him as Ayan reached to turn off the lights before he settled onto his side, his back to Akk.
“Goodnight.” Ayan said gently.
“Goodnight.” Akk replied, praying that his voice was steady.
It was extremely dark when Akk awoke, his mind reeling at the lack of ambient light in the room, taking him a moment to remember that he wasn’t at his dorm but at Ayan house, in Ayan’s room - in his bed. The thought alone was enough to jerk Akk’s mind fully into wakefulness, although what had initially awoken him he wasn’t sure.
There was a sudden whimper from next to him, a body shifting, legs kicking like trying to run from an attacker. “Ayan?” Akk said softly, turning over onto his side to be able to peer through the darkness at the boy next to him. Ayan was laying on his back, face twisted up in a pained expression as another whimper escaped his frowning lips followed closely by a sob, the sound thick and choked. “Ayan? Ayan, are you okay?” Akk asked, reaching a hand out only to stop before actually making contact with Ayan’s shoulder.
“No! Please, no!” Ayan sobbed, kicking his legs, hands tugging at his own shirt like he was searching for something on his body in his fretful sleep. “No!!” Ayan shouted, startling Akk and having the added effect of waking Ayan up out of whatever nightmare he had been having.
Akk watched with wide eyes as Ayan sat up quickly, touching the hollow of his throat before he reached over toward his nightstand, hands clumsy as they searched in the dark. His breath was coming in quick gasps, broken sobs between each desperate noise. “Where? Where is it!?” He cried, unable to contain his terror, a small thumping sound went ignored as Ayan searched his nightstand frantically. “Please!” He heaved out, nearly toppling out of the bed as his breathing became even more rapid.
“Ayan, stop, hold on.” Akk said as he flipped back the covers and got out of the bed, rushing around to the other side of it, looking down at the nightstand that Ayan’s hands were gripping the edge of, shaking. Akk glanced around the darkness before he noticed a book on the floor, beneath the edge of it shined something silver. “Here.” Akk said, crouching down to grab the necklace that Ayan wore up off the floor where it had obviously fallen due to Ayan’s unsteady hands knocking the book astray. “It’s here.” Akk assured, taking Ayan’s wrist to be able to place the necklace in his hand.
Ayan was nearly hyperventilating by the time Akk handed him the necklace, clutching it tightly to his chest with both hands as he fought to control his breathing. Akk watched as tears continued to stream down Ayan’s face, past his closed eyelids, over his round cheeks only to meet their bitter end along his jaw where they would fall down onto the bedspread leaving dots of dampness in their wake. “It’s okay.” Akk said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Try to calm your breathing.” He instructed, Ayan seemingly ignoring him or just unable to focus. Akk pulled his legs up onto the bed so that he was sitting exactly in front of Ayan, reaching out he grabbed the hand that wasn’t clutching the necklace and - using some force - managed to pull it away from Ayan’s chest and towards Akk’s own. He carefully unfolded Ayan’s fingers from the fist it had been clenched into before placing it against the centre of his own chest, holding it there with both of his hands. “Come on, follow me.” He said before he took a very pointed inhale, counted to three and then pointedly exhaled. “You can do it.” Akk instructed, doing the breathing exercise again and again until slowly Ayan’s breath started to match his own, no longer sped up or uneven, still occasionally shaky but not liable to cause Ayan to hyperventilate to the point of fainting any longer. “Good.” Akk said softly, watching Ayan as he continued to work to even his breaths out, head bowed, eyes closed, necklace still clutched to his chest. “Better.” Akk gave Ayan’s hand a gentle squeeze with his own, the warmth of Ayan’s palm seeping through the thin material of his borrowed t-shirt causing the skin of his chest to tingle.
Ayan lifted his head and slowly opened his eyes, meeting Akk’s gaze, tears still clinging to his lashes. Akk didn’t know what had caused the panic attack in the other boy, but it was starting to give him a better understanding of why he looked so haunted. Something was terrorizing Ayan’s mind, leaving him scared and alone, Akk’s heart ached for him. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Akk asked, Ayan just shook his head as he began to move his hand out of Akk’s grip, his palm sliding down Akk’s chest slowly. It was a deliberate move, Ayan keeping his eyes locked with Akk’s as his fingers brushed lower, his touch leaving a burning trail down the middle of Akk’s chest and stomach, stopping right above where his navel was. Akk gulped but said nothing, his own hands having dropped to his sides were now gripping the blankets beneath them. “Are you sure you don’t -“ Akk’s breath stuttered. “Don’t want to talk about it?” He wasn’t even sure he meant Ayan’s nightmare and panic attack anymore, he just knew that if Ayan kept looking at him in the darkness the way he was whilst touching him Akk was going to vibrate out of his skin.
“I’m fine.” Ayan said after a moment of silence, finally pulling his hand back. Akk both mourned the loss as well as lauded it, thankful to be able to think again without the confused fog clouding his brain that always accompanied Ayan’s touch. “Thank you.” Ayan said with a little nod, Akk returning the gesture before shuffling over to the other side of the bed to be able to lay back down.
The quiet that followed the pair settling back down was stifling, the darkness easy enough to see through thanks to having been awake in it for a while but at the same time it felt all encompassing. Akk knew both he and Ayan were holding themselves awkwardly, laying stick straight and stiff. There was an occasional sniffle out of Ayan but besides that nothing, a nothing the stretched on for agonizingly long minutes before Akk finally rolled over onto his side to be able to face Ayan. “Do you usually manage to go back to sleep? After, I mean?” He asked gently, Ayan just shaking his head as he stared at the ceiling. “Do you want -” Akk began only to stop himself, it was a bad idea.
“What?” Ayan asked.
“Nothing.”
“You were clearly going to say something, what?” Ayan said, turning his head to peer at Akk through the darkness.
“Would it help if you were hugged?” Akk asked in a near whisper, eyes fixed on a point in the room just past Ayan, unable to continue to look at him.
“Are you teasing me?”
“No!” Akk assured, gaze quickly snapping back to Ayan who was looking at him with narrowed eyes, clearly trying to find some kind of mocking in Akk’s question. “I just thought it might help.” He felt stupid for the suggestion now, why would Ayan want to be hugged by him? The most intimate touching they’d ever had prior to whatever the hell had happened just minutes prior was when Akk pinned Ayan during Judo lessons. “Like I said, nevermind.” Akk said as he went to roll over again only to be stopped by Ayan’s hand on his shoulder.
“Okay.”
“Eh?” Not the most eloquent reply but Akk was sure he had heard wrong.
“I said okay.” Ayan reiterated, moving his hand down from Akk’s shoulder to be able to grip his upper arm, tugging on it to pull Akk closer.
Akk allowed himself to be led by Ayan for the second time in less than twenty-four hours, the pair shifting into the middle of the bed, covers bunched up around their legs forgotten. They stared at one another for a moment before Ayan lifted his head and moved Akk’s arm so that he could place his head on it like it was a pillow, which put the already shorter boy just below Akk’s chin. Ayan wrapped one arm around Akk’s waist, his other one pressed between their chests, the necklace still held in his hand. Akk bent the arm that was under Ayan to be able to wrap it around his shoulders, which had the added effect of moving Ayan’s face closer to Akk’s neck. He slipped his other arm around Ayan’s torso, Akk’s palm resting firmly against his back. It was admittedly awkward for a few minutes, Akk swallowing thickly a couple times before he managed to relax slightly. He hated to admit it but the fact that all he could smell was Ayan thanks to having him so close was the biggest contributing factor to relaxing him, Akk knew he was playing a stupidly dangerous game but he had already known that and it seemed that Ayan was addicting.
Akk leaned his face down to allow his chin to rest against the top of Ayan’s head and subtly as he could, pressed his nose against the other boy’s hair, inhaling. Ayan shifted in the hold slightly, Akk worried he had just been caught being creepy only for Ayan to turn his face slightly so his nose was resting against the hollow of Akk’s throat, his breath tickling Akk slightly as he inhaled deeply as well. Had Ayan just smelled him back? Akk had to be imagining things, there was no way. “Stop thinking and go to sleep.” Ayan’s voice drifted up from under Akk’s chin, muffed slightly thanks to how close he was to Akk.
“You first.” Akk murmured softly, unable to stop his slight smirk.
“Deal.” Ayan agreed with a sigh. “Akk?”
“Hmm?”
“Thanks, really.”
“Mmm.” Akk just hummed in response since he didn’t really know how to reply, he couldn’t exactly say ‘any time’ because that would be a lie and ‘you’re welcome’ felt far too formal. He was debating the merit of ‘no problem’ as a decent reply when he began slipping back to sleep, their breathing evening out as he and Ayan drifted off wrapped up together, dreaming of places free of rules and curses and broken hearts.