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"It's okay. Just lie still a moment. Let me take your vitals. Breathe."
Breathe.
It's a direction he's heard from the nurses a million times since he arrived, and Julian thinks he'll truly crack if he hears it one more time. He takes one of the pillows from behind his head and puts it over his face, desperate to be somewhere else, to not have to see or feel what he's seeing and feeling. He feels like he could scream right about now.
"Oh, honey, don't do that."
She takes the pillow away, and Julian doesn't know if he's crying from pain or from frustration.
"Let's take another peek and see how far along you are."
Julian tries to keep his legs closed, fighting against his body's urge to spread his legs and bear down.
"Come on, papa. Your baby is going to be here soon. Let me make sure she's ready."
The nurse parts his knees, and Julian stops resisting.
Christ, how did he end up here? He's not ready to have a child, and he's not ready to be a father. He doesn't know anything about being a father. It's not like he had the best example when he was growing up, and he knows he'll be no better. He knows he'll probably be worse.
"You're at ten centimeters now. It's showtime!"
She says it so brightly, but all it does is fill him with ice cold dread.
Julian watches in dismay as two nurses put his legs in stirrups while a third gets into position. The one between his legs seems confident and sure of herself. She's probably done this hundreds of times, so she has nothing to worry about. But for Julian, he's never done this before. And he knows he's never going to do this again.
He had been so relieved that the maternity test proved that Margot was the mother of his child. He had lost sleep while waiting for the affirmative phone call, half expecting the worst. That his child would be a result of him whoring around.
"Push! Big push! Pant for me, honey. Just keep breathing."
She said that like it was easy. Like breathing was something he could do while he was in the middle of a panic attack while giving birth to a baby he didn't want. He was fucking up the kid's life before he had even welcomed it into the world.
"There we go! That's it, papa. You're doing great."
Julian wishes she'd stop talking like that. He didn't deserve kind, patient words. He had been so stupid and so reckless. He was too old to have forgotten to take his suppressants, and right before a heat, too. No wonder Margot had found him so delectable after his long stint of sleeping on the couch. And no wonder he had been so eager to please her. What had they been thinking?
"She's crowning! Here she comes!"
They hadn't been thinking. That was the problem.
Julian bears down with all his might. The sooner he pushed, the sooner this part would be over. This was the work before the real work began.
"That's it! We've got a head, and we've got shoulders! A few more pushes, and you'll be able to hold your little girl."
The nurse between his legs beams. Her smile is so bright that he feels blinded. But when he looks up at the nurse standing beside him, holding his hand, she's smiling too. Julian closes his eyes and lets his body do the rest.
There's a moment of quiet, followed by the loud wailing of a brand new human. His heart skips a beat. That precious noise was breaking his heart. Julian feels his cheeks get wet, and it takes him a moment to realize that he's crying. He can't remember the last time he cried.
"Here she is, papa."
The nurse puts his brand new, slightly slimy, baby on his chest, and he can't resist the urge to give her a kiss while the nurse cut the cord.
"Let's get her cleaned up, and then you can tell me what her name is."
The nurse picks up the baby girl again, and he almost asks her what the hell she thinks she's doing, taking away his baby like that. But he bites his tongue because while he loves his child unconditionally, he knows he won't be able to give her what she needs. He can't even give himself what he needs. Julian knows he should get used to other people taking care of her.
"There she is. All fresh and clean now."
"You did so well!"
"We're so proud of you."
Julian forces a smile and a nod at the praise he doesn't deserve.
"So, what are we going to call this tiny sweetie?"
"Rachel," he says.
After mum, he doesn't say. Because he may be thoughtless and unfaithful and prideful, but he did have a heart that was sometimes too loud to ignore.
"That's a lovely name."
More smiles and more nods take place. The three nurses shuffle around the room, filling out paper work and talking about getting him settled in a room for a few hours. It's the first time he's been alone with his daughter, and the gravity of that fact isn't lost on him.
"Welcome to the world, Rachel Fawcett," he whispers.
She coos and burbles, and Julian can't help but kiss her again.
"Daddy loves you so very much."
He knows he's going to cock it all up--that was all he was good at--but for now, when everything was fresh and full of promise, he's going to savor it. All of it.