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The words on the paper meant nothing to him. He could read the same over and over, but it never meant anything. Still, he read it, reread it, and imagined that the sender was the one person that, for whatever reason, got to make him consider romance.
He couldn't linger in the thought for too long. The first reason, was how eloquent the letter was. Josuke was positive that his crush could never speak like that. The other reason was that the aforementioned crush was standing right next to him, trying to read with him, pursing his lips in curiosity.
With a sigh, he folded the letter again and slid it down his pocket, turning to look at Okuyasu.
"So, wanna grab lunch or-", he started but Okuyasu stopped him, shaking his head.
"Josuke...", He said softly, "what does it feel like? To be loved, I mean".
Oh.
That hurt. For some reason, it hurt, a lot.
Okuyasu didn't know how it felt to be loved. It hurt.
"... What... Do you mean?", He asked, feeling a knot in his stomach.
"Like, how does it feel to know like, that someone thinks of ya... Or they take the time to write this stuff, or that they treat you well, and stuff. 'Coz I know I never got that, but ya always seem kinda fed up".
Josuke shrugged.
"... It's not... Real love, this thing. They don't know me. So, it's not a big deal", he blushed for some reason.
"Is that what makes ya mad?", Okuyasu leaned closer, scanning his face, apparently searching for any change in his expression.
Josuke blushed even more.
"... I'm not mad, it's just...", He tried to turn his face away from the scrutiny, "... I just think it's frivolous. And I don't know them either. But good for them if they like me and all".
"Right, right", Okuyasu nodded, finally moving away, "I just think it'd be nice to get some shit like that, 's all".
I could give that to you, Josuke thought, I could treat you so well. What would you say if I did.
But of course, nothing came out of his lips. He sighed and walked close to Okuyasu, to get lunch before it was too late.
They were sitting closer than necessary, as usual, while eating lunch. They were sitting on the grass, because it was a warm pretty day, and it was a cute and lonely spot under a tree. Josuke often wondered, why were they so close. Was Okuyasu somewhat flirting? Didn't look like it. It felt too natural, spontaneous. But he'd never been that close to anyone. Never had a friend so intimate. Sometimes, even their faces touched, because they were so close. At first, it was okay, but as time passed, and as Josuke's feelings began to bloom, and he noticed how much he cared for Okuyasu, how much he yearned for his happiness and well being, how much he wanted to be with Okuyasu, those touches began to feel like tiny little hopes. He wanted them to linger. But he could never risk his friendship with Okuyasu.
Sometimes, first impressions were deceiving. One would think that because somebody had a certain appearance, they had to have certain type of personality. Of course, it had been complicated with Okuyasu. He had tried to kill Josuke after all. But, he was under a nasty influence. After all, Okuyasu began to be himself, and still, his appearance was deceiving. Of all people, Josuke expected Okuyasu to be the less loving friend. But turned out that he never met anyone as loving as Okuyasu. Or so sensitive.
Josuke had always liked body language, but he never had anyone to use it with. He liked touching. So, it felt good to have someone like Okuyasu, who was the same way. They never crossed lines, though. Hugs were given with one arm only, around the shoulders, and hard enough to cause discomfort, because otherwise it would be weird. Hand shaking was fast, firm, hard. Pats on the back had to be loud. And yet, there were moments, when they looked at the same thing, cheek to cheek, or walked side by side and their knuckles brushed, or when they got on the bus together, and they were glued from the shoulders down to their legs. Those moments were sweeter, tasted better, and made Josuke's heart flip in his chest.
It was painful, to some extent. If he could have been given the chance, he wouldn't have fallen in love with Okuyasu. If he knew he was going to become the best friend he ever had. Because risking that friendship felt like a crime. And even if Okuyasu was an actual good person, and had a kind heart, and even though he trusted Okuyasu and felt that he would never hate him for any reason, the fear remained.
But the truth was, he had never not been interested in Okuyasu.
Because even when he was there, bullying Koichi and threatening both their lives, Josuke realized he had never seen a guy so handsome around Morioh. So stylish and cool.
It was easy to forget about it, when he was fighting for his life. But the moment he saw Okuyasu getting hurt by his own brother, he forgot about how he was mad at him. He had to save Okuyasu from that man. And he healed him, without hesitation, trying to ignore the stinging pain in his hand now decorated with hundreds little bleeding holes, a souvenir he got from the eldest Nijimura's stand.
And everything made more sense to him, when Okuyasu frowned, and simply couldn't understand why. Why was Josuke helping him. It was proof that nobody had ever shown the boy an inch of mercy or kindness. It broke his heart, most particularly when he helped Josuke to reach Koichi. Because, of course Josuke was still wary and afraid, and cursed him and he was ready to fight him. But once more, Okuyasu managed to surprise him. Claiming he wasn't smart, that he did what his heart told him to.
What his heart told him to.
And he turned his back to his brother to help an enemy. Because his heart told him so. Because his brother had been bad, but his enemy had shown mercy.
And he had the nerve to call himself stupid.
"You're great, Okuyasu...", Josuke said, and he meant it.
And Okuyasu's brother died, and the boy was then all alone. And nobody, not a single person, not a single responsible adult asked anything about him. Where are your parents. Who will take care of you. Nothing. Okuyasu meant nothing to them, as nothing meant the body they took away.
Josuke's chest hurt back then. And he stared at the boy's back as he sobbed over his dead brother. And he didn't know what to do then, because they had just met, and also, they had been fighting. After almost a year of friendship Josuke got to learn that when Okuyasu cried, he liked to be held and to get pats. And he did his best to provide, no matter where they were.
If he could go back in time, he would wrap his arms around Okuyasu and comfort him. He must have felt so alone.
And that was why he kept awake all night, thinking about Okuyasu. How hard he had punched him. How sad he had been. How lonely, probably.
It was still a surprise to see him so soon after, flashing the most genuine smile and suddenly being one of the goofiest guys he'd ever met. Josuke wasn't ready to let him into his life so suddenly. He had been thinking about him, too much. But Okuyasu wasn't aware of anything. He just waltzed his way in and stayed, and Josuke allowed him, because, only then he was realizing how lonely he had been himself.
Okuyasu changed his life. For good.
He loved Okuyasu too much. It was painful. It only hurt more when he had bickering as the only way to hide his real feelings. When his only way to say "I love you" was to say "stay for dinner".
Okuyasu burped and it made Josuke shake his head. It was a rude but effective way to distract him, and he punched his friend's arm, laughing.
"'m sorry!", Okuyasu laughed as well, and it was cute.
"Pig", Josuke mumbled and put the empty food container aside, so he could focus on drinking his strawberry milk.
"Can I have some?", Okuyasu asked and Josuke slid the straw from between his lips and offered it to Oku, who locked his lips around it without hesitation. It's an indirect kiss, Josuke thought for the hundredth time, as he always did when they shared a straw or a bottle. And it was so cute, to have Okuyasu so close. He was feeding Okuyasu. It was cute.
When Okuyasu let the straw go, Josuke continued drinking. But the other boy remained close. Too close. Eventually, his chin rested on Josuke's shoulder, and Josuke was glad that his sudden gulp was dissimulated while drinking his milk.
Okuyasu was leaning even closer. Josuke could feel his arm around his back, not touching him but close, supporting his weight on the ground near Josuke's bottom. He felt those lavender coloured eyes staring at him, and he couldn't help blushing.
And then, all of a sudden, Okuyasu's fingers were brushing against the back of his hand. Softly, very softly, and Josuke swallowed again, that time northing but saliva.
"Y-you want more?", He asked, because it was the hand holding the strawberry milk.
"Nuh-huh", Okuyasu said softly, and he kept touching that hand.
Josuke realized only then, that he was looking precisely at the scars he got from Bad Company, the first time they met. He bit his lip and set the carton of milk down, offering the hand to Okuyasu, who took it with one hand, brushing the thumb in circles over the tiny scars. Josuke's heart was wild in his chest and he forgot how to breathe. His friend was being so gentle and sweet, but he didn't know where it came from.
"Ya got these for me", Okuyasu said, almost as if he was thinking out loud.
"... Yeah...", Josuke whispered, and Okuyasu looked up at him.
"... I never got scars for you. Never. Ya always patch me up so well".
What a weird thing to say. Why would he want a scar...
"... You got... Wounded for me. Really wounded", Josuke said and he winced. It was one of the most horrible memories he carried.
"Yeah", Okuyasu said, "it almost feels like a dream", he looked away, still holding the hand in his. "Y'know, when the bomb blew me up, I fell down and all, but I didn't pass out immediately".
Josuke felt his stomach hurt. He hated talking about that. However, Okuyasu's words made him curious, and he didn't stop him.
"... I was still conscious, but I just didn't have strength. I felt pretty bad, y'know. It didn't really hurt, but it felt bad. Hum, well, it felt empty, goddamit. I felt like everythin' was pouring outta me from that hole, man. It felt bad".
Josuke shut his eyes and turned his face away. Horrible. He didn't want to hear it, but he couldn't stop Okuyasu. His friend squeezed his hand tighter, and the arm behind him finally settled on his shoulders.
"But I could hear ya. Screaming and all. I felt so bad man. Wanted to tell ya. I'm okay, bro, I'm alive. But I didn't have strength. I was dyin', after all. And the worst part, I wanted to tell ya, don't touch me, please. He touched me. I'm a bomb, please don't touch me. But I couldn't, man. I couldn't save ya. I passed out just a while later, because I was so damn weak but I felt like I was gonna die with the nastiest feelings in my heart. That I died there without helping ya. That you'd probably die too, trynna help me. Because that's what you do. Ya help people. Ya help me. This", he said, rubbing at the circular scars on Josuke's hand, "is what ya do for me. And I could never do anything like that for ya".
Josuke didn't often cry. But in that moment, he was battling against the tears. Any minimal mention about that day always triggered him. And hearing that from Okuyasu was like a stab in his heart. His lip was trembling, and his eyes were shut. He was quivering, trying not to cry.
But then Okuyasu pulled him closer, and he let out a little sob. He let go, and cried, and Okuyasu comforted him.
"Didn't wanna make ya cry...", He said, softly, against his hair, "but I'm realising now... That I do know how it feels to be loved. All thanks to you".
Josuke sobbed a bit louder, and turned his body slightly so he could hug Okuyasu. With both arms, and lovingly. Fuck pretences.
"And I love ya too, y'know? Don't think I ever loved someone like this", Okuyasu said, rubbing his back, "and I dunno, man, but I feel... I'm not good at writing letters, but if I just tell ya what I feel from the heart. Maybe it would mean something".
Josuke wasn't sure exactly what he meant, how he loved him. So he forced himself to calm down, and turned his face to meet his eyes.
"... I don't think I ever reacted like this... To anyone's letter", he said, and chuckled a bit.
Okuyasu smiled at him, and reached out to wipe some tears on Josuke's cheek with his knuckles.
"... Guess not. I'm not that smart, but I kinda thought that ya seem more excited about me staying for dinner than any girl asking you out. So, I thought, well, I could be wrong but... I feel like there's something else going on here", he shrugged.
"... You are smart, Okuyasu", Josuke whispered.
The other just shook his head, and took Josuke's scarred hand between his again.
"So, Josuke... How does it feel, then? To be loved. By me, I mean".
Josuke blushed, but now he was ready.
"It's great. It's... Real", he said, looking down, "... How huh, how does it feel... To he loved by me?"
Okuyasu raised Josuke's hand to his lips and gave each knuckle a soft kiss. And then he leaned forward. Josuke looked up and the kiss that was aimed to his cheek somehow landed on his lips. It was fast and chaste, and beautiful.
"It's the best, man. You know well I can even show Death the middle finger, only so I can be with ya. So, I hope that was enough of a hint".
Josuke laughed softly, and then moved a bit closer, until he could hug Okuyasu again. Closing his eyes, he could inhale his scent, feel his warmth.
"... I love you, Oku..."
"Love ya too, Josuke. Like crazy".
Josuke realized then, that he could hear those words, over and over, coming from Okuyasu's lips, and they will always mean everything to him.