Archive of Our Own

Baby <3

What’s your proudest achievement?

That’s quite a hard question to answer

I don’t think so

Really, what’s yours then if it’s so easy

I broke Moore’s law

What’s that?

At my lab in grad school with dr emory

Still don’t know what moore’s law is

By moore's law the number of transistors in an integrated circuit doubles every 2 years. We were off the curve

Still don’t really get it, but I’m sure it’s very impressive

My research was all in little silicon chips.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand half of what it is you do

Maybe not. That’s okay

I did nanorobotics. The lab focused on applications in energy.

Well that seems pretty cool

Dr emory was. You know I always say my first love was my boyfriend at the time, but I really think it was emory. i mean not like that. Ew. But in general.

Breaking a science law is a pretty big achievement I would assume, from what I’ve read

Moore’s law is just a rule of thumb us electrical engineers can circle jerk to. It’s not Newton’s 2nd

Well, still, seems like an impressive thing to do

Emory had phds in ee, mechE, astrophys, chemE, nuclear chem, and cs

He loved academia as much as I did

Ah I miss my ingenue days. Now I’m old and washed up

You are not old and washed up

I never got my third doctorate. My parents died and Obie pulled me into si

Would you consider going back and getting it?

Nah I’m not sure if I could deal with the bureaucracy anymore. Once I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and I could sit there and revise a paper until my eyes bled. Now I’ve gotten arguably better at taking criticism but I have a system that works for me.

School taught me how to run a shop. It thought me how to work with other people. It taught me how to ask questions. But I think I’ve learned my contribution exists in industry, not in academia. It’s what I know. I’d love to publish again though. And I need out of consumer goods

This is getting me nostalgic. I’ve never had respect for anything quite like I had respect for academia. Only time I’ve ever really played the game and come out better for it

Maybe you could go back, just to see, you might love it

I think that’s kind of a pipe dream

It doesn’t have to be

I have a company to run. And superheroing to do

I wish you could do the things that make you happy, rather than the things you feel like you’re obligated to do

If anything I’d love a research fellow position. I’d get to teach and mentor in the lab

I think you’d be really good at that

Try to be what emory was to me to someone else

Well, its always an option to consider

Emory changed my life. Saved it. He’s the only mentor figure I’ve ever had to not leave me irreparably damaged

Now I’m concerned about how many you had that did

All of them, Steve

No I meant the actual number of people, like how many different people did that to you

Does it matter?

I guess not, it shouldn’t have happened at all

Maybe yinsen too. Dr yinsen and dr emory. Funny that the only two people that ever made me who I am in any constructive way were academics

Well, at least you had some people that were nice to you

Do you know what it does to you? When someone becomes part of who you are and it turns out they weren’t ever who you thought they were

I’m so sorry Tony, that must have been awful

And you wonder if it was you, or if it was them, and which is worse

Obie used to parade me around. He’d take me to meetings with people he knew would appreciate it. And all I thought was ‘he’s teaching me how to change the world’

And I didn’t realize until he ripped the arc out of my chest

That’s, that’s so awful I don’t know what to say

Dad used to get into these blowout fights with me. He’d mess around with my head like it was a game of cat and mouse. He was bigger and smarter than me, so he’d twist my words. Then he’d say I started it, that I was antagonistic, aggressive, trying to hurt him. But I never wanted to fight. I’d say something I thought was totally innocuous to start a conversation and he’d make it out like I said something totally different. And then he’d bring up these fights later when I was low, as proof I wouldn’t make it.

Oh caterpillar, that’s awful, that’s such a terrible thing to do to someone, you deserved so much better than that

Like textbook gaslighting

And I didn’t figure it out until it was way too late to talk it out

I want to come give you a hug

Oh yeah where are you?

In our room

Why it’s like 4pm

Because the bed is a comfortable spot to read on

It’s just

I was so stupid

How did I let them convince me that war profiteering was something to be proud of

Because you were so young Tony, you were young and you trusted them

I wasn’t young for a lot of it

It hurts my heart, thinking about how you were treated

And they knew. They knew exactly what we were doing to the world

I’m so sorry Tony

I always thought we were doing a net good

All that merchant of death stuff, it was just optics. But I thought we were doing good

Because that’s what they wanted you to think, quite frankly it kind of seems like that’s what the government thinks. It wasn’t just you Tony, it was a pretty widely held public sentiment

I haven’t sent Christine a thank you card in a couple months. I should do that

Remind me who Christine is

Oh she showed me those pictures of gulmira right after Afghanistan. That’s how I put the dots together that we were selling under the table. But even if we weren’t selling under the table— over the table is bad enough

It all goes to the same place. Either way people die

Yeah, that’s true. But you’ve changed

I don’t know if I’ve changed. I think if I knew what I know now I’d always have been appalled

So don’t beat yourself up about it

No I think that’s exactly why I should beat myself up about it. Ignorance is worse than evil

Tony everyone around you was doing everything in their power to make sure you didn’t know. You’re not infallible

We’re going in circles

I guess we are, I just want you to know that it’s not your fault they manipulated and took advantage of you

It sure feels like my fault

I don’t think it is

You’re sweet

And naive, I think

I’m not naive

Bad things happen because people are complacent, not because people are bad

I was complacent

I was a lot more than complacent.

Tony you trusted them, there is nothing wrong with trusting people. You looked up to him

Yeah well. Now I don’t trust people

That’s pretty understandable given all that’s happened to you

You asked me once if I would ever trust you

I did

It kind of felt like a personal attack

Sorry

Don’t be

I didn’t mean to hurt you

I do trust you. Something happens when you hold me

But I probably didn’t at the time

I understand. I trust you too, though I think I always did

You’re still just a little too good to be true

Well you’re still stuck with me

I hate that phrase

I’m not stuck with you. It’s an active choice. Two sided. Stuck with each other is what happens when people stay married for the kids. We’re just in love

We are in love <3 I love you

Lord I want to roll my eyes

You think it’s cute really

And how would you know that

I just do

Mm

Well its that or you think I’m annoying, and I’d rather you didn’t think that

So perhaps it’s just wishful thinking and you actually really want me to stop

I think I’d miss it

So you do like it?

I guess I do

You don’t sound super convinced

Is it too childish? Annoying? Over the top?

I don’t think it’s childish. The other two…

But hey, I still like it

Promise?

Uh huh

You still sound a little unconvinced

I don’t know why I like it. Don’t like not knowing things

Sometimes feelings can be weird

Oh don’t give me that speech

But it’s true

Smart boy

I feel like that was sarcastic

Nah

Really?

Yes really. I’m just getting uncomfy. This is me uncomfy

Why are you uncomfortable, is it me, is it something I did? I’m sorry

No you’re just sweet. I have a hard time with sweet

I can stop?

Would that help?

No baby

Please don’t

But I don’t want to make you uncomfortable

You’re not. I’m making me uncomfortable

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yeah baby. Be you

Okay, but just tell me if I’m doing something that makes you uncomfortable

You, my dear, are the only one who doesn’t

Well I’m glad to hear that

Not that I’m glad to hear that people make you uncomfortable

That I don’t

I’m glad I don’t

I love you

I love you too

Still don’t get horny in emotionally vulnerable moments?

Still don’t love, can’t see that changing any time soon

Talking about Obie and my dad fucks me up every time

Are you busy? You can come cuddle with me if you need to

Yes I’m busy. That’s why we had to move to la

I was just checking

Or why we couldn’t move away from la. I guess I’ve been here a while

I hate la

Yeah I’ve noticed

I thought I put on a good front

You did not. You’ve been obviously miserable this whole time

It makes me worry

My worry is that la isn’t the problem

I think we both know it isn’t

Sweetheart

It’s not LA is it

I can feel the darkness around the edges of my vision. Even when I’m happy.

I don’t know what to do

I want to help, I want to make the hurt go away

But I can’t

No. You can’t

I don’t want you to be miserable for the rest of your life

No. You can’t

I don’t want you to be miserable for the rest of your life

I don’t know what to say

I’m sorry

I feel like I’m making this all about me

How?

Well, i don’t know, saying things like I don’t want, and I worry, and all that

You’re allowed to

I just don’t know what to do

My mental illness affects you. I get that

Yeah, but you’re the one suffering

I’ve lived this way my whole life. I don’t know anything else. I’m okay

That makes it worse

It does?

Yes, it breaks my heart. You’ve been depressed your whole life, no one deserves that

Sometimes I’m manic?

That doesn’t count love, you’re not happy when you’re manic. You’re, well, you’re something

I’ve been pretty even lately actually. Just a nice calm moderately depressed

Yeah I don’t love me when I’m manic either

That’s still not better

But, um, it’s your mental health, who am I to say what’s okay

It’s actually a lot better

Like a lot a lot better

Are you okay?

This isn’t about me

I’m fine, but right now it’s about you

Okay?

I just, I don’t want to take away from what you’re going through

You’re not

What’s on your mind? You’re talking like there’s something on your mind

I’m just worried about you, and I feel a bit useless because I can’t help

Everything’s felt a little fuzzy lately. This battle of wrongness and rightness and I think it’s because I’m not hitting any of the extremes. I don’t have anything profound to say either lately. Except maybe this: every time I say im happy, there’s a little ping in my brain like I’m lying. And I don’t want that anymore, even though a long time ago I think I did

That’s progress right? I don’t know, clearly I’m not nearly well informed enough about this

How quickly can you tell? When I’m off

As far as I can tell, almost immediately, it’s obvious. Well its obvious to me I suppose

When’s the first time you saw me really out of it? On either end

In some ways it’s quite similar either way. You get this like glazed look, it’s like you’re not all there. I’m not sure when the first time was, I don’t think it was all that long after we started meeting up in person

I’m not all there

I can tell

The thing is when I’m manic I can’t hardly tell until after. But depressive episodes knock the wind out of you.

I’m sorry, that must be hard

It’s like the whole world turns gray. Nothing is engaging or exciting anymore. You’re bored and frustrated and restless and everything is sort of in stop motion

And then you can’t handle any little emotion. They’re all blown out of proportion. And so things spiral out of control because you can’t do anything or fix anything or enjoy anything, and you slowly start to lose your mind. And as you lose your mind, that’s where the trouble is

I’m really sorry

I dont want sorrys

What do you want? What do you need?

It just feels good to type it out sometimes. And the sorry like undoes that

Okay, I’ll stop

I dont know what i need.

Would it be cliche to say a fucking drink?

Yes

Very predictable

That

That’s what I need

I need you to make me laugh like that

You need me to be mean to you? You’re an odd one

That wasn’t mean!

It was mean by my standards!

Oh i have seen you dig in. You can be mean. That wasn’t it.

It was a little mean

No it was comic. Poking fun at my debilitating weakness. Very much what I wanted

See poking fun at your debilitating weakness feels quite mean to me

Then soothe the sting

Now I’m worried you think I’m coddling you

I think you’re wonderful

But also that you can look after yourself

No, do it. Say something nice

I did, I said you were wonderful

Say something else

You’re smart, you’re handsome, you’re funny, you’re very good at sex

Now that was cliche

It wasn’t that bad

So I’m ‘good at sex’, eh?

Yes? Why would you think I’d think otherwise, have I not made it clear? I know I’m awkward about it, but that’s me, that’s not because of you

I was just being suggestive

Oops

Sorry

Makes me wonder why you’re so defensive

Because I worry I’m going to say something wrong and upset you

Things are hard enough for you as it is, I don’t want to make it worse

You keep saying shit like that but I’m telling you my life is just my life. It’s always been like this. Just normalcy. Except I haven’t always had you, and you make everything better

I’m sorry, I’m trying my best

You ate right? I might come up to bed

Yeah I ate, did you?

No software engineer doesn’t know how to skip meals

That doesn’t mean it’s healthy. How are you not dead yet

Really feels like you should have just collapsed by now

The human body is a miracle

Your existence stresses me terribly

It feels good. Not eating feels good

It really shouldn’t

No but it does.

You’ll be the death of me

There’s a burn in your stomach and a high you can get drunk off of. I feel strong. I feel in control.

I feel very concerned for you

I feel concerned for my metabolism. Can’t wreck it too much. The tabloids always notice

And I notice

And I feel concerned that one day all of this is going to catch up to you and I’m going to find you dead

Actually I think I don’t notice. I think the way I see my body is kind of warped

Worry about my liver first

We both know I already do

I’m not going to die. I’m not a teenage girl

I don’t really think eating disorders care how old you are. Neither does alcohol abuse come to think of it, or chronic sleep deprivation, or depression, or mania

Baby…

I feel like I’m just sitting here and watching you die and I can’t do shit about it

First of all, I’m sober. Second of all, at least I have a nice body you can play around with

Yeah because that’s all I fucking care about is it

Jeez sorry

No I’m sorry, that was unfair of me

I’m just saying. You reap the benefits of said eating disorder

You must know that’s not an acceptable thing to say to someone

Don’t you think my abs are sexy?

I’m going to put the phone down for a bit. I’m not ignoring you, I just need a moment

Sounds like code for ‘you’re not getting any tonight’

Yes

What are you thinking about?

Nothing

Please?

I’m sorry

Not thinking about anything. I’m tired, thinking about that I guess. Maybe I’ll get ready for bed

Maybe you’re not thinking about anything now, but you were.

Thinking about how maybe I should have a shower before bed. That sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll go and do that

Steve don’t shut down on me

I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry I said that. I was feeling really raw and split open and it was stupid. I didn’t think it would hurt

Thinking about how maybe I should have a shower before bed. That sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll go and do that

I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry I said that. I was feeling really raw and split open and it was stupid. I didn’t think it would hurt

Shower was fine, going to bed now goodnight

Love no please

Talk to me

Can I come to bed or am I being kicked out

Do whatever you want

Steve I love you talk to me

Can’t talk going to sleep so tired

In the morning?

Yup

Can I come cuddle?

If that’s what you want

Do you want that?

Because I don’t want anything more

I don’t care either way

Yes you do

Please just tell me how you feel

I feel like you’re keeping me up

Baby I’m so sorry

Can you let me be sorry

I can hardly stop you

I’ll be right up