Chapter Text
“(Y/n), (Y/n), quick, you have to come upstairs!”
You looked at Lavender Brown in confusion, as she stormed down the stairs and into the common room. It was the first day of the school year and you hadn’t been in your dorm yet but something must have been going on there since Lavender sounded so excited.
“What happened?”, you asked, exchanging a worried look with Hermione who was standing right next to you.
Lavender started to grin widely.
“It happened again.”, she stated, wiggling her eyebrows.
“What exactly are you talking about?”
When you saw the look on Lavender's face you realized that nothing bad happened and now you were even more curious. You followed her upstairs, Hermione shortly behind you.
“Seems like your secret admirer still can´t get enough of you.”, Lavender answered.
Even though she was walking in front of you, and you could only see her blond tresses bouncing up and down at every step she took, you could hear the smirk in her voice. You rolled your eyes, still, you couldn’t help but smile.
“What is it this time?”
“You´ll see.”, Lavender answered as she pushed the door to your dorm open.
You entered the room and your gaze settled on the nightstand right beside your bed. There it was, a huge bouquet of red roses. You took a step closer and noticed the little note right next to it. You picked it up. The paper felt heavy and looked really expensive.
“Looking forward to the next year with you my love.”, you read out loud.
Lavender and Parvati Patil, who were standing at the end of your bed and watching you closely, squeaked in excitement. Hermione, who was standing right next to you, took the note and read the text again. Then she turned the sheet around.
“No signature.”
“What did you expect? There´s never been one.”, you answered, while Lavender and Parvati sighted.
“That´s so romantic.”, Parvati whispered.
“And you still have no idea who it is?”, Lavender asked.
You shook your head as a response.
“And if he doesn’t change method, I´ll probably never find out.” You sighed resignedly. “Doesn’t matter anyway.”
But it did matter. When you were lying in bed later that night you thought about who might have send you those flowers. It wasn’t the first time something like this happened. Actually, you almost got used to it already. It started in your first year. As if by magic -and you had no doubt that magic was actually involved in this case- some small gifts and notes appeared all around you. In the beginning it had been only small things, like some sweets, and you didn’t thought that much about it, but as time went by, the small gifts turned into more and more expensive presents and the small notes, like “good luck” the day before an exam, turned into actual love letters. But whoever sent you all these things seemed not to be interested in you finding out who he actually was. Hermione and you spend dozens of hours hexing the notes and asking different people to find out who was this mysterious person. The only thing you found out was that someone frequently asked the house-elves to sneak the gifts into your dorm but you just couldn’t find out who it was. You had tried literally everything. You had asked the elves nicely, ordered them to tell you, tried to bribe them and even threatened them, which you regretted immediately and all the more after Hermione found out. But the elves had assured you with tears in their eyes that they would love to tell you but that the young man, who asked them to bring you the presents, had told them that they weren’t allowed to tell you who he was.
At some point, you had given up trying to find out. Back then the presents had just annoyed you. Why would someone spend so much time and money on you if he didn’t wanted to tell you who he was? But you somehow managed to arrange yourself with the thought that you would probably never find out if he didn’t wanted you to. What actually bothered you the most about the situation was that whoever was sending the gifts to you must knew you very well. Because he didn´t just sent you chocolate and flowers but also some way more thoughtful presents. Whenever you mentioned something, you wanted to have, it somehow appeared only a few days later on your nightstand. No matter how fancy or expensive your wishes were, your secret admirer fulfilled them all. But he didn’t just give you things you wanted but also things you didn’t even knew you needed. For example, last year, when you got detention with Professor Umbridge, he gave you a small bottle of a potion that healed your wounds in no time, leaving no scars. Or when you lost your cap in your third year, the next day there was a new one, very warm and cosy and also in your favourite colours. But it wasn’t the presents that made your heart jump every time, it was the letters.
Oh, the letters. You didn’t even knew someone could write things that sounded so beautiful and especially not if they referred to you. But the way he described how your smile brightened up his day or the colour of your eyes reminded him of the last warm day in the autumn, sent chills down your spine every single time. And whenever you felt worthless or had a bad day, you reread the letters and it made you feel better immediately. You felt a strange connection to the mysterious boy who was sending you these notes, even though, after more than five years, you had still no idea who he was. And it maddened you. It must have been someone who knew you very well, someone from the school, probably your house and probably your year. You had argued that if it was someone who was in Gryffindor as well, there was no need to involve the house-elves but Hermione reminded you that the boys weren’t able to enter the girls´ dorm and Parvati argued that this would make the entire situation even more mystifying. But on the other hand, none of you actually thought that any boy from your house was insightful enough for such presents and notes and probably most of them didn’t had enough money to spend that much of it on you.
Thinking about this enigma, you slowly drifted off into sleep, with the scent of the flowers still in your nose.
“Red roses?”, Ron asked the next morning on your way to the class. “Don’t you think it´s a bit…” He came to a halt.
“Too much? Kitschy?”, you helped him out.
“Exactly.”
“It is, trust me. Especially because they clash with the red of the colours of our house. And there are so many of them. I mean, he probably meant it well.” You shrugged your shoulders. “But obviously I don’t know this for sure because I still don’t know who he is.”
“Even your lover doesn’t want to be associated with you.”, you heard a voice sneering behind you.
You sighted. You didn’t have to turn around to know who was standing there.
“At least someone is interested in me, Pansy.”, I countered, turning around to the girl.
“Well, you say so. I bet you buy all these things by yourself to give yourself airs.”
“She doesn’t need such things. You on the other hand must be very desperate for attention if you even listen to the conversations of other people.”, Hermione snapped back.
“No one asked for your opinion, you filthy mud blood.”, Pansy responded, smiling smugly as her comment earned a small chuckle from Draco who was standing right beside her, watching the scene, and seemed very amused by it.
Normally you would have now stared at him, admiring the sparkle in his grey eyes or the cute dimples that you could see any time you watched him smile - even though you would never admit it to anyone that you had ever watched him at all - but as Pansy called Hermione mud blood, your priorities were set differently.
“How dare you call her like that, you fucking…”, you started, grabbing your wand, but Hermione interrupted you before the situation escalated.
“Let´s go, (Y/n). She´s not worth it.”
You took a deep breath and turned around following Hermione who was dragging Ron behind her as he had grabbed his wand as well, at least as furious as you. But Hermione was right. If you would curse Pansy right now right here in the hallway the only thing you would earn would be detention. Anyway, you swore that you would get your revenge sooner or later.
But you already forgot to plan your revenge the next day. Because your secret admirer had left the next present on your bed. You just got back from class, wanting to fall on your bed right away, as you noticed a single white rose lying on your pillow. You grabbed it, as well as the small note that lay right next to it. ´Hope you like this one better darling.´
You slightly shook your head. How did he know again? You talked about it in the middle of the hallway but you didn’t remember this many people around. Or was he spying on you? At this point, it wouldn’t even shock you.
Darling. No one had ever called you darling. In fact, you had never heard anyone using this nickname for anybody. As you remembered what you said yesterday, you somehow felt guilty. You called the flowers kitschy. Whoever gave them to you wanted to give you a treat but you made fun of it. But still, he was sending you another flower. And another note. And you had to admit that you liked this one way better than the ones before. It felt more personal again as if he thought about it and not only wanted to impress you with the sheer mass of it. A small smile made it to your lips as you put the flower into a vase and put the note into a drawer with many others of them. You would find out who was sending them to you. Someday.
A few weeks had passed since the year had started. The white rose on your nightstand looked as beautiful as on its first day. It was a small spell, still, it made you smile every time you looked at it.
You had just entered the dungeon where Professor Slughorn was teaching potions. You saw that the students, who had already arrived, didn’t sit in their usual places. You sighted. Whenever you had to brew a potion that took more than one person, Slughorn pared you up with random people from your class. Until now you had always been lucky with your partners but today your lucky streak ended.
“Ah, Miss (Y/l/n). Let´s see. Why don’t you pair up with Mr Malfoy over there?”
Draco sighed annoyed and you just rolled your eyes as you sat down right next to him.
The relationship Draco and you had was strange. Well, actually, it was nearly non-existent. The two of you ignored each other most of the time. It was obvious that you couldn’t stand each other because you were a Gryffindor and he was a Slytherin and furthermore you were friends with Harry, but you had never really talked to each other, just throwing deadly glances whenever the other one had said something against your friends. Still, you had to admit that Draco was the probably most beautiful person you had ever met. You didn’t exactly know what it was, but there was something about him that made your heart flutter any time you saw him.
And now you would have to sit right next to him for the next hours and brew a potion, which would probably include some interaction with him. You glanced at him from the corner of your eye. Godric, how could someone be that pretty?
“You will find the recipe on page 187. Good luck.”, Slughorn interrupted your daydreaming and you flinched.
Quickly you grabbed your book and opened it. Everlasting elixirs. You just prayed this lesson wouldn’t last forever.
“I will grab the ingredients.”, Draco mumbled as he got up and went to the larder, not even casting a glance at you.
The two of you were working silently side by side until you couldn’t bear the silence anymore. But no matter which topic you brought up, Draco cut you off within a few sentences.
After nearly half of the lesson was over, you felt frustrated. While most of the time you were glad, he just ignored you, by now you would have given anything for him to make a mean comment, just to break the uncomfortable silence. But Draco didn’t seem to mind. He was cutting the fluxweed as there was nothing else, he had to worry about. But actually, you felt like there was something he did worry about. You had noticed that this year he seemed to be absent-minded as if he didn’t really care about school anymore. But this was none of your business. Neither were his hands, but you couldn’t help but stare at them, holding the knife, cutting the ingredient. You didn’t even know that hands could look beautiful until you noticed his. His fingers were long and slim and he was wearing a beautiful ring on his left hand. The silver sparkled as it reflected the shimmer of the fire sparked off under the cauldron. You didn’t even realise you had stopped stirring the potion and just stared at his hands until he did. He stopped his movements and looked at you in confusion.
“Are you alright?”, he asked, catching you off guard.
“Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah. I´m fine. Great actually.”, you stuttered.
“What are you looking at then?”, he asked as he followed your gaze, still fixed on his hands.
“Nothing. Nothing. It´s just… your ring. It looks very nice.”
You cursed yourself, already expecting a sarcastic answer but to your surprise, he just smiled.
“Thanks, it´s a family heirloom.”, he answered.
“Oh, well, that’s nice?” It was more a question than a reaction.
“Mother gave it to me at the beginning of this year. It means very much to me.”
And just like that, the spell seemed to be broken. You wouldn’t say you talked much or got along great but somehow the tense atmosphere relaxed and the two of you even had a small conversation about different things. But then the brewing of the potion got into a more challenging phase and the two of you dedicated your entire attention to the potion.
“Can you pass me the asphodel really quick?”, you asked Draco, while you were still stirring the potion to prevent it from boiling over.
He passed it to you.
“Thanks.”
“Your wish is my command, darling.”, he answered in a mocking tone.
You froze.
“What did you just say?”
“Relax I was just joking.” Draco rolled his eyes. “You Gryffindors are really jammed, aren’t you?”
You didn’t answer.
Darling. He had called you darling. Just like in the note with the rose. And the following one. Was it possible that Draco…? No, it definitely wasn’t. Of course, he had the money to buy expensive presents and he was intelligent enough to write those letters but neither you believed that he could ever feel something like this, nor there was any reason that, if he could, he would feel like this for you. You barely knew each other. It surprised you every time that your heart turned a somersault whenever you saw him and the only way you could explain your feelings for this guy was that you were slowly going mental. But in comparison to that, it would be absolutely and completely crazy to send someone you barely knew gifts for more than five years. And Draco didn’t seem like he was that crazy, did he?
“(Y/n), watch out!”, Draco called you out.
Quickly he grabbed your hand that was holding the ladle and moved it again. Completely lost in your thoughts you had forgotten to stir the potion. It was now bubbling dangerously close to the border.
“Sorry, I just… got distracted.”
You felt your face redden. What if he knew what you had just thought? But how could he?
“Don’t worry but just be careful from now on. Or do you want me to continue?”
You shook your head in response. His hand still rested on yours. It felt so warm and sent chills down your spine. Draco caught your gaze. You could see a small smile on his face as he looked at you. You could have gotten completely lost in his eyes, but the moment passed and he looked away again with heated cheeks and removed his hand from yours. Even though the hot potion was boiling only a few centimetres under it, your hand felt cold without his touch.
For the rest of the lesson, you remained silent and when Slughorn examined your potion it was more than just acceptable.
“Well, that wasn’t that bad at all, was it?”, you asked, relieved and somehow also sad at the same time that the lesson was over now.
“Surprisingly not. You´re not so bad at all”, he smiled.
You raised your eyebrows.
“For a Gryffindor.”, he added quickly, making you chuckle and he smiled as well.
The next few months were more or less uneventful. Harry was really caught up in his lessons with Dumbledor and since Ron was with Lavender, Hermione needed much of your company. But not only Hermione´s but also your love life got more and more confusing. You still got presents and they got more and more expensive up to an amount where you asked the house-elves to take them back because you couldn’t accept them. But they refused.
What confused you even more than the presents was Draco. There was clearly something wrong with him. His grades dropped and he became very thin-skinned. Sometimes he caught you staring at him and threw a small smile, which didn’t reach his eyes. But whenever you tried to talk to him, he brushed you off in a very unpolite way, making you wonder if you might imagine the smiles and glances. You didn’t dare to tell Hermione or anyone else about this, not only because you knew they wouldn’t approve it but also because you didn’t know yourself what exactly was going on there. Actually, nothing was going on between Draco and you, nothing you could capture, still, it felt like there was something between the two of you even if you couldn’t describe it.
And then within a few weeks, the events overturned. While Harry used the Felix Felicis to get Slughorn´s memories, he accidentally helped Ron break up with Lavender, which lifted Hermione´s mood again. Harry, on the other hand, got into a duel with Draco, hurting him very badly. When Harry told you this you got not only somehow very mad at him, which surprised your friends even more than you, but you also struggled with yourself about whether or not you should visit Draco in the hospital wing. You decided not to do so because there was no actual reason to go there, but when you saw him the other day in the Great Hall again, it took a load off your mind.
And then the events got to their climax. One evening, Harry stormed into the common room, quickly explaining to you that he had to leave with Dumbledore but you should be alarmed because he knew something was wrong. And he was right.
You didn’t knew where they came from. You didn’t knew who they were. All you knew was that they took you by surprise even though you had been warned.
You and some other members of the DA patrolled around the corridors, looking for anything unusual when you suddenly heard some loud screams. Fleshes of light were colouring the walls of the castle.
You stormed around a corner just to see Neville and Luna fighting with some Death Eaters, firing curses all around them. You immediately ran to them, helping your friends. But if it weren’t for the members of the order of the Phoenix and the Felix Felicis, Harry gave to you before he disappeared with Dumbledore, you probably wouldn’t have made it. It was sheer luck all of you survived this night.
You didn’t know how long you had been fighting. You already felt tired and weakened but you knew that every small mistake might cost your life or worse, the lives of your friends. So you kept going. Then you saw from the corner of your eye Professor Snape rushing through the fighting people, dragging Draco with him, who looked terrified. You didn’t think about it that much, just released that they had come to help on the one hand but also worried that they might get hurt because it didn’t look like you would make it. But the two of them made no effort to fight. They just stormed past you, disappearing behind the next corner. But there was no time to wonder about this, since you were still fighting for your life.
Then suddenly the opponents withdrew, fleeing into the night.
While most of the others followed them you accompanied Neville, who seemed to be seriously injured, to the hospital wing, where Madame Pomfrey treated his wounds.
Finally, the others joined you. The Weasley family gathered around Bill's bedside, while Harry told you in a low voice what had happened. When he finished, your whole body felt numb.
Dumbledore was dead.
Snape had murdered him.
Draco had tried to do so.
Harry had seen them.
You just couldn’t believe it. It was impossible. You knew Dumbledore had already been old, like really old, but somehow you had thought he would always be there. Sitting in his office and making silly after-dinner speeches a hundred years from now, just like he always did.
And Professor Snape. You never really liked him but you had always thought that Harry's distrust in him was exaggerated. Especially because Dumbledore trusted him. At least he did before he was murdered by the man he thought he knew. The man who had betrayed him the entire time.
And Draco. This just felt wrong. He wasn’t capable of such cruel things. Or was he? He had nearly killed Ron as well as Katie. You came to the bitter realisation that, no matter how much you wished it wasn’t true, you didn’t actually know him. You wanted to. But you never really did. Otherwise, you would have known. But didn’t you notice that there was something wrong with him? But you hadn’t done anything about it. What if you would have? Would you have been able to stop him? Would you have been able to stop this? You knew it was silly to think like this. None of the things that had happened was your fault. But still, how was it possible that you got fooled by him so much?
The sun already rose when you finally went back to bed.
When you entered the dorm, the other girls were asleep, except Hermione who still endured with Ron at Bill's bedside. You were so tired and felt so empty that all you wanted to do was fall on your bed and fall asleep, forgetting all the sorrow of the last few hours. But as you wanted to do so, you noticed an envelope on your pillow. At first, you didn’t even want to open it but an inner force urged you to do so. You opened the envelope, pulled out the letter and started to read.
´My love,
I don’t know what exactly happened when you are reading this. All I can hope for is that you are alight.
By now you probably know that I betrayed this school, betrayed you. All I want you to know is that I did not want any of this. But if I do not obey the wishes of the Dark Lord, he
will kill me and everyone I love. I have no choice. When you read this, I am either dead or on the run. I am hoping for the latter because then I have a chance to see you again. I do not know if you can ever forgive me for what I have done but I want you to know that I will wait for you even if it takes forever.
I know I am a coward. I never revealed my identity and by now it is too late. I wish I would have been braver, maybe then everything would be different now. I hope that someday we will meet again in a world that is better than the one we are living in now. I wish I could create it for you but I am afraid I will never be one of the good guys. You deserve so much better, my love, still, I am hoping that one day I will be the man you want.
But all you need to know for now is that I love you, (Y/n), I always did and I always will. And that is everything that matters.
This will be my last letter to you and my last present. All the time in this world is not enough to spend with you and I wish I wouldn’t have wasted mine. But maybe if I am lucky, I will get some more of it in another world.
Goodbye my love´
You had finished the text but your eyes were still glued to the paper. There was no signature, as always, but you knew who had written it. Who had not only written you this letter but had sent you over the last six years dozens of letters and gifts. And you had never realized. How could you have been so blind? And now it was too late. Your left hand clenched around the envelope you still held in your hand. But it wasn’t just the envelope. You could feel something hard, something that was hidden inside it. You turned it upside down and something fell into your lap. You grabbed it, taking a closer look at it.
It was the ring. The ring you had watched him so many times playing with and had admired and complimented in your potion class. His last present to you. Draco had given you the ring, the family heirloom, the one that was so important to him. You could feel the cold metal touching your skin and you shivered. You knew he was sincere. That he meant every word he had written. In this letter and every single one before. You couldn’t explain why, you just felt it. “I do not know if you can ever forgive me for what I have done but I will wait for you even if it takes forever.” That’s what he had said. You could feel a small, sad smile creeping on your face.
“I will wait for you, too, Draco.”, you whispered into the silence. “And I forgive you.”