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Maria awoke abruptly after hearing quiet whisperings.
She sat up , turning to look at her wife, whose head turned side to side.
This was a normal occurrence for them, once or twice a week Natasha would wake up in cold sweats, often trying to stay as quiet as possible not to wake up Maria, but that would only cause more worry for Maria’s part.
“Don’t touch her” Natasha repeated again and again. Sounding as if she was sobbing. What usually was feather light hands, thrashed about like weights causing Maria to decide on immediate action.
“Natasha, Baby, wake up love, wake up” Maria said urgently, shaking Natasha’s shoulders gently. “Nat, it’s just a dream, just a dream alright, your okay” Maria continued.
Natasha’s eyes opened suddenly, and she sat up, heaving in a deep breath. In and out, in and out, quickly, but not quick enough for her to recover. She turned to Maria who sat next to her, arms open offering a warm, secure embrace. Natasha practically fell into Maria’s hold, breaking down into tears, and gasps and muddles of words that didn’t completely make sense.
“Talia, you need to breath, baby , please breath” Maria said, running her fingers gently through Natasha’s silky hair.
“I’m a monster. I’m a monster” Natasha repeated, physically shaking in Maria’s arms.
“Natasha, you are not a monster” Maria told her, moving Natasha’s face to look at her. Using the corner of the blanket, Maria carefully wiped Natasha’s head from sweat, kissing her temple as she went.
“How could she ever forgive me? Why does she still speak to me” Natasha continued to muttered, bringing her knees up to her chest, rocking a little. Maria turned the light on next to her, giving the room a dim swell of light. Maria touched Natasha’s shoulders carefully, massaging them to try and comfort her.
“Baby, who are you talking about” the brunette asked, her face digging deeper into the depths of concern. Natasha looked over at Maria with wide eyes, swallowing another sob.
“Yelena, I left her there, in that torture chamber we call the red room” Natasha whispered, a loud sob racking brought her ribs, ringing out into the abyss.
Maria blinked once, then twice. Odd.
“My love, we saw Lena the other day, she adores you, you know that. She’s forgiven you for leaving her there. She understands you wanted out and thought she had too. If she has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself” Maria told her, practically pleading with her lover at this point.
Natasha’s lip quivered as she stared blankly into Maria’s eyes.
“I know, I just I could of stopped it. I’m as bad as him. I helped him keep going” Natasha returned, sobbing more, hardly taking time to catch a breath in between mournful cries.
“Hey! Do not say that. You are not as bad as him or bad at all, and him continuing what he viewed a business was his decision not yours. Dreykov is the villain here, not you , never you” Maria said to her, placing her hands on the redheads cheeks, rubbing them gently. “Ever since you defected to Shield you have done everything in your power to do good. Natasha, I wholeheartedly believe that you are a good person, who wants to make up for the things she did when she didn’t have control of her own being, you bring so much happiness to so many people, and sometimes you are too blind to see it” Maria stared into Natasha’s eyes hoping to find some kind of answer. Natasha placed her hand on top of Maria’s, her eyes red and raw from continually crying.
“Do you think I’m worthy of love?” Natasha whispered, as she buried her face in Maria’s neck. Her words and the sound of her voice sounded so vulnerable in a way that it would have floored anyone else, but for Maria, this sound from Natasha gave her security, because she knew with this would come opening up: Instead of bottling it all up. Maria took a moment to take in the question. This had come up a few times,and each time it broke Maria’s heart to see how genuinely Natasha didn’t believe she deserved the human affection that all people crave. How this was conditioned into her from a young age so she could be used as a tool, a weapon.
“Of course I think you’re worthy of love darling, you deserve the world. I love you more than anything” Maria murmured back, placing one hand on bottom of Natasha’s head and the other on the curve of her back. “I know what you’re going to say, and the answer simply is just I love you, I love everything about you, your humour, how you are grouchy in the morning, but when you are grouchy you are so cute. I love your eyes, and your hair, and how you kiss me goodnight. I love how clingy you can be and how jealous you can get. I love your tongue, and your cute nose. Just everything Nat. Everything. Imperfections are only imperfections when you see them as something to change . Otherwise imperfects are perfections, as they are a form of freedom- something unique to you” Maria murmured, leaning down to kiss Natasha’s temple repeatedly.
Another sob escaped Natasha’s throat, letting herself be pulled closer to Maria.
“Sh, its alright, I’ve got you” Maria stroked the redheads hair gently, cradling her body carefully so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. “You are safe, baby, you are loved” Maria said quietly.
Eventually Natasha’s sobbed quietened down and eventually the tears ran to a stop. Her body started to release from its tense state, and her breathing evened out.
“Tasha? If you don’t want to go back to sleep, we could go watch a film, we’re not in tomorrow anyway” Maria asked quietly.
Natasha looked up, moving her head away from Maria’s neck. Using her arms she pushed herself up a bit to look Maria in the eyes.
“That would be nice” Natasha answered in a small voice. Maria nodded, helping Natashaget up. Then she quickly got into shorts and a baggy top, handing Natasha a baggy top, who put it on, while never stopping looking at Maria. She grabbed a blanket from the top of the cabinet and put it around Natasha to keep her warm .
“Come on baby, let’s go watch a movie” Maria said taking the smaller woman’s hand in hers Natasha instinctively cuddled into Maria’s side, breathing in her familiar scent. Maria opened the door and lead her down the stairs to the living room.
“How about, you pick I movie, and I’ll go make some hot coco” Maria suggested, as she handed Natasha the remote.
Natasha looked up at her with wide eyes.
“That would be nice, thank you Mia” Natasha murmured, as Maria leaned slightly over to kiss Natasha’s forehead. Natasha leaned in to her wife’s touch, relaxing ever so slightly. Natasha took a moment to feel the warmth of Maria’s body before letting her go.
Maria moved away, walked towards the kitchen. She grabbed a small, but deep pan and in it She put some coco, small bits of chocolate and milk in the pan. Maria turned the gas on, stirring the mixture together slowly. The pan sizzled ever so slightly, humming a gentle melody. Maria’s mind felt foggy, not sure how to quite comprehend the events not so long ago. It’s not that nightmares like this were new to Maria, she helped Natasha through them most weeks. But every time, it utterly destroyed her, and chilled her to the bone that these nightmares were usually memories of traumatic events. While so was so lost in her thoughts, she didn’t hear the soft padding of feet, or the gentle clatter of someone sitting on the counter.
“That smells good” Natasha said plainly, looking over Maria’s shoulder. The brunette looked over at her, with a small smile, and nodded silently.
“It does doesn’t it” Maria threw away. “Could you grab me too mugs from the cupboard” she added, taking the pan off the heat. Natasha handed her two matching red and blue mugs (Fury got them as a house warming gift) letting Maria pour thick hot chocolate into them, them adding a sprinkle of marshmallows, and they were done. Maria handed Natasha the red mug, after she slipped of the side, then being able to put her free hand around her waist.
“What film have you picked them love?” Maria asked, as they walked leisurely to the snug living room. Natasha scrunched up her face, contemplating making her lover guess.
“Clueless” Natasha replied, a twinkle in her eye - she had calmed down now.
“How would I have ever guessed” Maria said jokingly, sitting down on the large sofa, sinking in comfortably. Natasha smirked, snuggling into her side and took a large sip of her drink.
“I’m not sure, it’s not as if we have watched it a million times” Natasha quipped back. Maria chuckled, pressing play on the film, and kissing her wife on the temple.
Sure they would be tired in the morning, but Natasha is happier, and in Maria’s eyes that would always be more important than anything. Plus that means they could have half of a day at home together to enjoy each other’s company.