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I pace back and forth my cabinet like I have been doing for the past hours, the past days, god knows how long I’ve trapped myself in this little box of despair. As I pace, my eyes wander back and forth from the redrafted letter to the holy book now tainted with horrendous blasphemies. What have I been doing these past few days? I want to say I’ve been going insane but I crossed that point years ago.
I walk to the desk and place my hand on the letter as I look around my precious cabinet. It’s such a mess. I stare at the tea I left. It’s going to go cold if I don’t drink it. I take the cup in with my shaking, cold, hairy, rough, foreign hands and press it to my lips. I hate this body. What did I ever think I could achieve? Happiness? You’re an idiot Henry!
The urge to throw the cup wells deep inside of me but I take a deep breath and set it back on the table. Ha… when was the last time I ever restrained myself in this body? My eyes trace themselves to the painting of my father. I’d like to say I restrained myself when I destroyed that abhorred portrait but I know that’s a lie. I tore into the canvas like I did Carew.
I sigh and begin pacing across the room again. Knock Knock! A knock on the door makes my entire body jolt.
“Mr Utterson, sir, asking to see you.” It’s only Poole. I allow myself to relax slightly. Utterson comes by most days; how I hate to see him be turned away from me. I wish I could confide in him, I wish I could fall into his large comfortable arms like I used to and just let the warmth of another human expel the sorrow. I’ve caused such a mess for myself. I may never be able to snuggle into his embrace again. I may never hear that deep affirmative voice that always used to get my boyish imagination flowing.
My eyes become misty with tears as I reminisce about the good days. I shake the thoughts away and dry my eyes with my fingers. You can’t cry again, Henry. I tell myself as the touch of my finger burns my reddened bloodshot eyes.
“Tell him I cannot see anyone.” I say with a little bit of an irritated tone of voice. I wince as the words spill from my lips. This voice, this voice is not mine. I hold myself - or rather this body - with these arms tightly. I feel sick to my stomach. Turning away my closest friend day after day. I hate it. Yet I have no choice. If he were to hear about all the things I have done then he would turn away from me and want absolutely nothing to do with me. He’s a proper gentleman, unlike myself.
“Thank you, sir.” I hear Poole’s footsteps walk away from the door. He’s ever so loyal. They all are. The tears begin to swell again; this time I let them flow down my cheeks. If they knew about all the horrible things I’ve done as Hyde, they wouldn’t ever want to see me again.
I pace back towards my tea and sip it lightly as I wipe the tears from my face. No man should cry. That’s what father used to say anyway. Bloody father. I want to blame all of this on him. If he hadn’t messed me up as a kid maybe I wouldn’t be sitting in an isolated dingy cabinet in a body that isn’t mine. But I know I can’t just pin the blame on whoever I feel like. I did this to myself. If I’d never tried to experiment all those years ago maybe it wouldn’t end like this.
I can feel my time coming soon. Maybe even days left. A part of me is hoping it’s soon. I’d hate to spend another day and night in this horrible cabinet. I remember when I first got here, I was so excited, so hopeful. I was ready to change the world with science. Now it’s a dingy dungeon that I've created for myself. There’s not a spark of hope anywhere. It’s just a bunch of failed experiments and fancy objects I used to amuse myself with.
I sit with my tea for a couple of minutes. There’s no steam left rising from the cup, it’s cooling.
“Jekyll!” A spark of electricity shocks my body at the sound of Utterson’s voice ringing through the cabinet. Part of me is happy to hear him but I know he’s not here to see Jekyll… “I demand to see you!” I can’t bring myself to reply. What would I even say? “I give you fair warning, our suspicions are aroused, and I must and shall see you.”
Utterson, what are you saying? I move towards the door of my cabinet. I place my hand on the door and let a tear slide down my cheek. Utterson is on the other side. I’m so close to him. What I wouldn’t do just to touch him one last time. One last goodbye.
“If not by fair means, then by foul, if not of your consent then by brute force.” I step back from the door while keeping my hand on it. I’ve never heard Utterson’s voice full of such emotion before. All of this just for my sake. But he won’t listen to me, I’m Hyde right now.
“Utterson!” I call out to him. I can feel my voice shaking as tears spill from my eyes.
“Ah, that’s not Jekyll’s voice - it’s Hydes! Down with the door Poole!” The tears begin to flow harder as I hear the words. I wish I could tell him it’s me. I wish I could tell him everything. Bang! A loud shock to the door shakes the entire building.
I screech as I see a crack in the sturdy wooden door. There’s nowhere for me to run this time. I’m trapped. I step away from the door right before the second bang! I hold onto one of the counters to stop myself from toppling over from the sheer force. This is it.
I search the desks and counters for the one drug that can get me out of this mess. Where did I leave it? Ah, there it is- bang! I don’t have long. I take the bung out of the test tube and stare at the vile liquid. It smells like kernels. It reminds me of the theatre.
I look over to the letter I left for him. A letter I redrafted thousands of times over. The real truth lies amongst the ashes of the drafts by my fireplace. Utterson will never know. No one will ever know of my sins.
I allow myself to cry again as I put the beaker to my lips. Bang! The door won’t hold out much longer. I throw the liquid down my throat fast. It burns, god how it burns. I can feel my insides churning as the mixture hits my stomach. I have the irresistible urge to vomit but I know it’s best to swallow it and get it over quickly.
I drop to the floor, unable to keep standing. I can feel myself unable to keep my eyes open. Through a broken voice burnt by chemicals, I utter the words.
“Forgive me Gabriel.” before I take my last breath and close my eyes. Bang! The door comes down with a crash.