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“Theo.. Heyyy Theooo wake up sleepyhead ! It’s morning!!!”
The chipper voice sounded far away, as if it was something of a distant dream. A memory perhaps.
Theo blinked open his eyes to a blurry image of his red haired freckled friend Haruto Keats. Haru was smiling down at him, his hand moving to pet the blond’s bedhead. Theo flinched out of the way, causing Haru’s hand to hang in the air
“Ough, what is it, Haru? It’s too early for this” Theo shoved his head under his pillow, the sun from the window behind Haru being way too bright.
The red head chuckled “ Well, Theo.. It’s breakfast, Shin wanted me to wake you up.” Haru pulled the pillow up from Theo’s head, successfully tearing it from Theo’s tight grasp.
Theo scoffed quietly before sitting up slowly, stretching his arms above his head. He pouted at the loss of his pillow, being held above Haru’s head, just out of his reach.
“How long have you been awake?” Theo yawned, rubbing his eyes.
“Since sunrise! It was really pretty today...” Haru trailed off , a wistful look in his eyes. He tilted his head back towards Theo “How are you though? Are you feeling any better today?”
Theo blinked up at him, once , twice. Ah yeah my migraine from last night .. no.. there’s still the lingering after-effect headache, but at least that’s easier to deal with
“Not entirely, I still have a small headache, but it’s better than yesterday” Theo sighed, pushing himself to get up. ”I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it”
Haru smiled softly, reaching out to pet Theo’s head once more. This time Theo didn’t move out of the way, letting Haru brush his hands lightly through his locks. “I’m glad you’re feeling better buddy, try to take it easy today, okay.” He whispered. Theo looked back at Haru. His hair was more disheveled than usual, the dark circles under his eyes darker than before. He looks.. So tired. Did he get any sleep last night?
Theo felt his face heat up crap I probably wasn’t much help to Haru last night with my migraine and all, I know he was having a bad nightmare spell too, I’m terrible.
“How about you, you look terrible” Theo blurted out. Haru’s eyes widened at the sudden remark . Once again the heat rushed to Theo’s face as he realized what he had just said. Wait. Wrong choice of words, once again great fucking job Theo.
“Wait, no , I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I meant you look like you barely slept at all. Was it….”Theo paused, his eyes frantically looking back at Haru.
“It’s fine Theo ! I knew what you meant, and yeah.. Can’t say I was having a great time last night either. But I got some sleep, I should be fine. “ Haru laughed, scratching the back of his neck. Yet his answer seemed.. Distant somehow.. Theo couldn’t quite put his finger on it. There’s no way he’s fine… something is off about him.. . I did leave him alone last night..
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you last night” Theo whispered, looking down at his feet. I suck don’t I , He is always there for me, but the minute he needs anything I can’t help him. He will get sick of me eventually, I am so selfish. “Please Haru, if you need anything today, just let me know, okay” Theo looked up at Haru, who was watching him with a confused look on his face.
“Why are you apologizing Theo? You literally had a migraine. I wasn't expecting you to do anything actually. Especially, buddy, you couldn’t even stand last night, let alone talk, what were you going to do, speak utter nonsense until I fell asleep? You’re fine ”Haru laughed, recalling the previous night’s antics.
Once again heat rose to Theo’s face. I… don’t remember that. Crap guess my migraine was worse than I thought. How did I get here then?
Haru laughed at the confused flustered face that was appearing on Theo. “Wondering how you got here huh? Well, look no further “Haru boasted, lifting his chin up proudly, his hands on hips. Haru glanced over at Theo once more, smirking as they made eye contact. Theo quickly looked back down at the floor, overwhelmed with this new embarrassing info.
Haru chuckled, standing up from the bed. He walked over to where Theo stood. “No need to thank me! I know you would have done the same if not more if you were able to last night, so please don’t worry about it. “ He placed a hand on Theo’s face, turning it to look at him gently. His brown eyes met Theo’s green, and a wide smile spread across his face.
Yet again.. Something seemed off. Theo studied Haru’s expression, taking in the faint blush that was spreading across his freckled face. Huh.. he has more freckles under his right eye than his left. His eyes are also slightly different colors… the left eye having more gold in it… He’s so pretty .. wait. What?!
Theo pulled away from Haru quickly, stumbling from his own thoughts. “Ah sorry Theo! I must have startled you. But I couldn’t help myself, you looked so cute!” Haru smiled, this smile finally reaching his eyes ah that’s what it was. He was faking the other one… he must be exhausted. I have to keep a close eye on him today.
“Yeah yeah , wha-whatever” Theo stammered, feeling more and more flustered as time passed. “Let’s go get breakfast, Shin and the others must be wondering where we are at this point” He waved his hands around, gesturing towards the door.
“After you, sleeping beauty” Haru teased lightly. Theo stuck his tongue out at him as he was pushed through the door. “I wonder what Raiden made?” Haru mused, skipping a few paces ahead of Theo.
Theo thought for a moment “Probably eggs. It’s all we have been having since coming here.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Io’s chickens really have helped us out haven’t they.” Haru replied, his voice softening at the mention of their late friend. Io was always a pleasure to be around. Sure he never said much, but that kid loved those chickens and could even tell them apart. Theo smiled at the memory. Haru never believed Io when he said that each chicken was different, which always led to some fun conversations between the two of them.
I wish I could remember all of the names he gave them. I’m sorry Io. Theo’s smile dropped, the melancholy atmosphere slowly feeling too thick to even walk through. There’s not many of us left. Just Haru, Anju, Kurena, Shin , Raiden and I. It’s almost our end anyway, but I shouldn’t be thinking about this right now, it’ll just make my head hurt again. Theo looked back up at Haru, noticing that the spring in his step had faded. He always took every loss so strongly..
“Yeah.. Io’s chickens have been a great help, fresh eggs everyday is always a treat. “ Theo whispered quietly, trying to lighten the atmosphere. I was never good at this.. I don’t know how to cheer others up… especially Haru.. I am a terrible friend aren’t I? Theo thought to himself. Haru didn’t reply, only humming softly in agreement. His mind seemed to be somewhere else.
The hallway to the dining area seemed so much longer than usual…the foggy thick silence clinging tightly to Theo. I’m worried about him. He must have had a worse night than he let on. He’s.. so quiet. Haru…
“Good morning everyone!” The silence shattered with Haru’s happy loud voice as they entered the dining area. His usual chipper attitude seemed to return, the awkwardness from moments before seemingly forgotten.
Shin looked up from over his book, giving a curt nod at the two entering.
“Good morning Theoto, Haruto” Raiden greeted, smiling at the pair.” Your food is on the table already” His apron was a complete mess, the cat playing with the frayed strings that hung past Raiden’s knees. Theo laughed at the scene in front of him
“Wow Raiden, you seem to be the cat’s favorite today huh, just a walking plaything.”
“Shut it Theo, or you’ll be next” Raiden retorted, shaking the spatula in his direction.
Theo raised his hands in surrender before sitting down next to Haru. Kurena and Anju smiled, pulling their cups out of the way so they had more room.
“Good morning you two” Anju’s gentle voice greeted “ I hope you are feeling better this morning Theo, you worried us last night”
“Just a classic migraine, no need to worry that much, mom. They happen sometimes, though normally I am better at guessing when they'll start ” Theo smiled, pushing the food around his plate. Haru remained silent. Theo frowned at Haru’s lack of response.
Yeah, something is definitely off about him. I am worried….
The rest of breakfast ran smoothly, Haru actually making conversation at points.
Haru actually made some genuine smiles at breakfast this morning.. Maybe I am worrying too much .. but something still seems off. Theo tapped his pencil on his sketchbook, glancing up to watch Haru across the room. Haru was giggling , telling some story to Kurena. As usual, Kurena looked disinterested, rolling her eyes at some of the ridiculous things Theo could overhear.
Theo looked back down at his sketchbook, scratching a few light lines of the scene in front of him. I want to capture his happiness.. It is always something to marvel at…. Theo mused to himself, flashing another quick look over at Haru, his joyous laughter filling all corners of the room. I’m glad he’s laughing again.. He was really out of it this morning.
“So Haru huh?”
A voice snapped him from his thoughts, causing Theo to jump up to the smirking face of Anju.
Theo blushed profusely, slamming his sketchbook shut, which only caused Anju to laugh.
“Wha-what do you mean Anju, I-I am just dra-drawing the scene in front of me.” He stammered out a halfhearted response, not fully convinced himself.
“You really care about him don’t you, I saw how you were watching him at breakfast this morning. So… did something happen that you would like to share??” She nudged Theo’s shoulder teasingly. Theo was not a fan of said teasing tone.. What is this about.. What is she implying??
“I c-can’t say I understand yo-your implications Anju, please ela-elaborate” crap I am stuttering again why the hell why now, I am already embarrassed enough.
Anju just smiled at him as she took a seat next to him on the couch. Theo could feel his face heating up by the second. Come on Anju,, please explain you’re killing me here.
“You like him don’t you?” She finally asked
“I mean yeah? He’s my best friend Anju, of course I like him.” Theo laughed oh so this is what it is about.. Why did she make it so confusing?
“No Theo. Not like as in best friend. I mean you ‘like’ like him.” Anju emphasized the word with air quotes.
Theo tilted his head. What, where did she get this idea? What does that even mean?
Why on today of all days, I already had that confusing thought this morning.. And now this.. I can’t catch a break. Does.. does she mean as in like.. Her and Daiya? Kurena towards Shin..? wait.
What?
Theo blinked back at Anju, his confused expression betraying the very thoughts in his head. Anju looked on patiently.
“Do.. Do you mean..” Theo’s voice lowered to a whisper “like as in you and Daiya?”
Anju smiled sadly, her eyes grew distant. She sighed
“Yes Theo, that’s exactly what I mean. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about it” She looked back at him “ You should tell him you know. You never know when it could all end. He deserves to know...” She looked away.. Pain evident in her eyes.
Theo paused, playing with the hem of his sweatshirt. He cracked his knuckles loudly before responding
“I’m s-sorry I brought up Daiya. “ he whispered” Though.. I don’t know.. What my feelings towards Haru truly are Anju.. They are not the same as Daiya’s about you. Or Kurena about Shin. I .. never.. Really thought about it before…” Theo rambled, his thoughts jumbled.. His thumbs sped up on his sweatshirt hem.
Theo remembered all the times he would tease Daiya about wanting to kiss Anju and how they would always act so lovey dovey whenever they were together.. Or even the times he and Haru would fluster Kurena about kissing Shin.
Do I even want to kiss Haru? Theo thought. I never even thought about it. I .. just like being around him. He glanced back up at Haru.. who was still telling some extravagant story to Kurena. Only this time she was laughing along, finally falling victim to Haru’s cheerful attitude. Theo smiled to himself. I can’t deny I like being around him. But… how I feel.. It seems much different than how the others did around their so-called crushes.
I don’t want to kiss him. But.. He looked over at Haru’s face again, his smile warm, the setting sun making his red hair glow. He's very important to me though…. But what does that even mean? Does it … make it less im-
Anju’s laugh broke him from his thought “I see I threw you for a loop, I am sorry about that. You don’t need to have it all figured out now, if you ever do that is. But I can definitely tell Haru is very important to you” She smiled back at him. “Maybe.. Consider telling him that. At the very least.” She patted Theo’s back before getting up, walking over to help Raiden clean up the kitchen.
Theo mustered up a tiny smile as she left, but words were failing him. His thoughts were racing too fast
Does.. not wanting to kiss him mean I don’t actually care about him…. I just .. want to be around him… he’s my best friend that’s not weird right?
But.. he feels more important than just a friend.. That sounds.. So dismissive… but.. Theo cringed the… romance part the others always talked about.. They .. don’t feel.. Quite right to me either…
Though.. I always love his hugs… I wish I could just ask him for them .. he’s always so warm.. And comforting… Theo could feel himself smiling at his own thoughts. Snap out of it Rikka, that’s just cause he’s your best friend, of course you care about him and like him. You don’t want to kiss him so you don’t love him like others would obviously.
Theo mentally berated himself, hitting his fists against head. He placed his closed sketchbook on the table before laying his head down on his knees.
He’s my best friend.. So of course it's natural I always want to be around him.. He’s very important to me.. I love him I think.. But I don’t think that’s the right definition of the word. It can’t be.. Love is saved for those.. You want to kiss..I don’t want to kiss him.. Hell no to anything else either.. But….
I can’t deny his importance... Just.. how do I show it to him.. Without it being misinterpreted?..
Theo sighed, his head beginning to hurt again from his thoughts. This was proving to be difficult huh. Haru’s my best friend, but that doesn’t seem right either, he’s more than that too, but… boyfriend also seems wrong.
Do I even want to date anyone? No. But I can only ever picture Haru. What does that even mean? I just want to be around him. He’s my friend. I love him.
But what does that mean? Does.. that have meaning... Is this Lo-
“Yo Theooooo you in there , I have been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes.” Theo jumped at the sudden voice entering his thoughts, the very voice of the person he was thinking about.
“Ah yeah, I-I’m here just thinking about som-something. “ Theo sat up , hugging his knees to his chest.
“Penny for your thoughts?'' Haru smiled down at him, his eyes crinkling slightly. A genuine one this time, he has such a nice smile, it suits him, dimples, freckles and all… shit stop being so sappy Rikka.
“ Not today, sorry Haru, I cannot... ex-explain..them.” Theo shook his head, looking away from the smile, the smile that was too bright. The smile was too bright to be directed towards him, the friend who left always him alone when he was suffering..
“Ah darn, you were so lost in thought I was very curious what you had on your mind.” Haru stuck his hand out for Theo to take. Theo smiled, taking Haru’s hand in his. How the heck is he always this warm.. His hand is really soft too. What am I even thinking now ,what the heck Anju. This is your fault.
Theo allowed himself to be pulled up by Haru, only to be pulled into a warm embrace.
“Hey, thanks for worrying about me today, I saw how you were watching me at breakfast, and the rest of the day. I appreciate it, you know. I’ll be fine, please don’t worry. Just thank you.” Haru whispered, rubbing a gentle circle into Theo’s back. Theo nodded into Haru’s shoulder. It’s not fair he got a growth spurt… we used to be the same height, curse my short genes.
Neither wanted to pull away, it was comforting, warm.. In a sense .. This hug felt like a goodbye to Theo. And looking back it most likely was.
Cannot say I like how this is going… crap I need to say something.. Why does this feel like a goodbye?
Theo pulled away first, not releasing Haru’s hand from his.
Haru smiled down at their interlocked hands, an unfamiliar sadness clouding his eyes. “Come on let’s go to bed.” He said, pulling Theo along with him to their shared room.
Come on Rikka.. Just say it.. Say you care about him.. A lot…
Theo looked up at the back he was always following. Come on say it. Say it. Say that he’s your best friend.. That you love him .. but.. Not in the way Kurena loved Shin, how Daiya loved Anju…but more than a best friend… you can do it.
Haru opened the door to their room, letting go of Theo’s hand.
Immediately Theo wanted to reach for it again, missing the warmth it created. The space it took.. cold from the lack of a presense.
Theo stood by the door, watching as Haru got ready for bed, removing his button-up uniform shirt.
“Haru.. “ Theo started quietly. Haru turned towards Theo, his figure silhouetted by the single lamp still on in their room. Theo glanced quickly to his arms… of course.. There’s new scars huh… Haru.. just how bad was it last night… I shouldn’t have left you alone.
“ What is it Theo? You finally want to tell me what you were thinking about or….” Haru smirked “ Were you are just astonished by my beauty huh” he laughed at his own joke, going to turn back to his task at hand.
Theo reached out, grabbing Haru’s sleeve. It’s now or never Rikka. He pulled Haru into a tight hug, scared that Haru would disappear if he let him go. Again.
“My thoughts. You wanted them..… I care about you. A lot Haru. “ Theo blurted out. Haru’s eyes widened, a faint blush spreading across his face as. He blinked in confusion, opening his mouth to speak only to be cut off by Theo
“You’re my best friend. But you’re more than that…. But.. but not the same … as Daiya and Anju.. but.. You’re so important to me.. I love you.. But again not in the same way as the others loved each other.. It’s hard to even picture a future without you by my side. “ Theo rambled.. His words getting faster as he continued. He was running out of time, he knew it. “I just.. Appreciate you… I want to be around you .. I love you…. I love…you Haru.. “
Theo looked up to the flustered expression across Haru’s face. His lips feigned a reply, but Theo couldn’t hear the words. He reached up to feel that his face was wet. Shit I am crying.
Theo couldn’t hear him, Haru’s voice was getting farther and farther away. He could feel Haru tighten his grip around Theo , picking him up gently and holding him close.. But the words.. Were too far away.. Theo felt as Haru brought a thumb to his face to wipe away his tears. He felt the fondness Haru held towards him. They were best friends after all. The love.. Theo felt he never reciprocated enough. Did.. Haru ever know how much he meant to me… did I ever show it… or was I too busy being a coward to… a coward in denial of my thoughts..… afraid to fully show him his importance in my life….
I don’t fully understand what the others mean by love.. Or the like.. Hell if I ever will.. All I can safely say is Haru was important to me.. I loved him.. In my own way..
He's still important to me.
I just wish I could have actually said this to him. Instead of having all these thoughts hang around in my head. Completely unsaid.
That was the last day I saw Haru alive.
I wasn’t able to talk to him.
I wasn't able to even say anything.
By the time I found him, I was too late. He lost too much blood.
I wouldn't be surprised if his blood still stained the barracks' bathroom floor.
All I am left with instead... are his final words to me.. All my memory can focus on. It’ll haunt me until my grave.
“I love you, Theo. Please don’t forgive me”
~☆