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Chapter Text

There were few in the Elemental Nations who did not know the name Hiruzen Sarutobi. He had reigned over Konohagakure for decades and conquered the battlefields before that, rightfully carving a place for himself among the legends of shinobi. He was the Professor, the Monkey Summoner, the God of Shinobi. He had witnessed countless nations rise and fall – and had been responsible for more than a couple of them. Widely renowned, widely respected, and widely feared, there was no doubt that he had earned his status as a legendary figure.

And here he was, a legendary figure reduced to being a mere messenger.

Standing outside the door of a rather rundown apartment, Sarutobi pursed his lips as he took note of the black scorch marks on the ground and the disturbing mystery fluid that stained the ceiling. He would have to make sure the apartment complex manager gets suitably reimbursed later.

Raising his hand, he knocked against the door.

No response.

"Hello?" Sarutobi called.

Still no response.

Sarutobi narrowed his eyes. "I know you're in there. We can do either this the easy way or the hard way," he said. "For both our sakes, I suggest you take the former."

The door remained aggravatingly shut.

Sarutobi let out a long, heavy sigh. Taking a good long puff from his pipe, he savored the flavors in the aromatic smoke and the accompanying soothing effect it brought. He stayed like this for several seconds, relishing the brief moment of tranquility.

Then he kicked the door in.

No – just calling it a kick wasn't quite enough to encapsulate the full breadth of the action. Rather, in a split second he had concentrated an incredible amount of chakra into his muscles before instantaneously releasing it all with pinpoint chakra control. It wasn't nearly as precise or powerful as his student Tsunade could've done it, but it was a close enough approximation of her signature inhuman strength.

The door practically disintegrated from the kick, shattering into a million wooden splinters – before they all ignited from the fireball that suddenly burst out from the interior of the apartment with immense speed.

Sarutobi didn't even bother weaving any hand seals. He simply raised his hand in front of him, palm outstretched as if trying to catch the fireball. The moment the flames touched his hand, they lost all velocity and seemed to be absorbed, extinguishing harmlessly from the vacuum he had generated with wind manipulation.

Focusing on the kunai and shuriken which had been hidden behind the flames that blurred toward him, Sarutobi raised an eyebrow as he made to sidestep them. Such an obvious trick wouldn't work on him –

His eyes widened as the instant before they reached his position, the projectiles suddenly multiplied into hundreds, filling his entire field of vision. He was forced to hastily form a hand seal to throw up a barrier of wind in front of him, causing the kunai and shuriken to clatter to the ground, the shadow shuriken clones dispersing into chakra smoke.

Stepping past them, he entered the apartment – before whirling around and stomping his foot on the ground, causing the concrete to rise up and envelope the remaining physical kunai.

The explosive seals inscribed onto them detonated a moment later, safely contained by the concrete.

Despite himself, Sarutobi couldn't help but smile slightly. A fireball that hid a volley of projectiles that suddenly multiplied to negate dodging that had explosive seals attached... It was a rather devious attack.

As expected from the occupant of this apartment.

Turning back around, he took off his sandals and strolled through the hallway, effortlessly countering the dozen or so traps that were sprung at him. Iron spikes that pierced down from the ceiling, poison gas, a false floor tile, an electrified floor tile, senbon and shuriken and kunai –

Sarutobi paused as he encountered the next trap: a limited edition copy of Icha Icha: Behind Enemy Lines laying innocently on the ground, surrounded by what was obviously a highly dangerous seal array.

"... seriously?"

Sarutobi shook his head and strode past it. He wasn't so weak-willed as to be fooled by a trap like that, if such a blatant egregious display could even be called a trap.

He stopped.

Turning around and internally cursing his weakness, he made his way back to the Icha Icha. Withdrawing a pair of spectacles, a sealing brush, and a bottle of ink from the storage seal inscribed within his robes, he got to work dismantling the seal array. In just under four minutes, he had disabled the mechanisms and deactivated the secondary backups.

Nodding in satisfaction, he picked up the Icha Icha book. He was about to place it back into his robes before he paused.

A sneak peek wouldn't hurt, right?

He opened the book –

Only his honed reaction time allowed him to barely dodge the fireball that was launched at his face.

"Oh come on!" Sarutobi swore, his eyebrows a little singed. "Is nothing sacred anymore? Have you really resorted to booby trapping Icha Icha now?!"

There was no response, but Sarutobi could swear he heard the sound of stifled chuckles come from further inside the apartment. His face setting into a look of grim determination as what was left of his patience finally dwindled down to nothing, he reached the end of the hallway and turned the corner to step into the living room.

Blessedly, it appeared that the Icha Icha had been the final trap. Now all that was left was locating the person responsible for everything...

Hold on a moment.

Sarutobi stared incredulously at the figure of one Kakashi Hatake sitting slumped over on the couch. His arms were crossed over his chest and his single visible eye was closed, as if he was fast asleep.

"You can't be serious," Sarutobi said flatly. "Kakashi. Kakashi, I know you're awake."

Kakashi let out a snore. A loud, extremely unconvincing snore.

Sarutobi's left eye twitched.

Several hand seals later and a large tidal wave shot toward Kakashi, slamming into him with the force of a giant sledgehammer. Water splashed everywhere, soaking the entire couch and startling Kakashi awake.

"Huh? Wazzah?" Kakashi lurched forward, blinking blearily at him while water dripped from his hair and clothes. It was oddly reminiscent of a wet dog. "Hokage-sama? You're here?"

"Funny," Sarutobi said, his voice dryer than Suna's deserts. "You'd think that the knock on your door would've clued you in. Or, you know, the avalanche of traps being set off."

"Oh. Sorry," Kakashi said. "I was asleep."

"Right. Ignoring how the shadow shuriken clone technique is one that could only be performed by a live, conscious human..." Sarutobi withdrew a scroll from inside his robes. "I have a new mission assignment for you."

"And you came all the way to my lowly apartment to deliver it to me?" Kakashi exclaimed. "My. You shouldn't have, Hokage-sama."

"Well, you see, I had to come, after a certain someone ignored all my summons and put the ANBU team I initially sent to deliver the message into the hospital. Speaking of which," Sarutobi's tone became exasperated, "could you please stop harassing the newbies like that? We've barely managed to break their cynophobia from the last time they had to deal with you."

Kakashi shrugged. "They should've known better than to try to invade the apartment of a highly dangerous shinobi."

"They wouldn't have had to if you'd just opened the damned door!"

"Ah," Kakashi seemed to consider that. Then he eye-smiled at Sarutobi. "I wasn't awake. My bad."

Sarutobi sighed heavily. "Your sleep issues aside..." He tossed the scroll at Kakashi, who caught it with one hand. "It's that time of the year again, which is why I presume you're trying so hard to avoid me. You have your new genin team assignment, Kakashi."

Kakashi's eye widened dramatically. "Is it really that time already? I didn't even realize!"

Sarutobi rolled his eyes. "I think you'll enjoy this year's team, though. I'm giving you Minato's kid and the last Uchiha."

"Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha..." Kakashi hummed lightly under his breath. "Who will be the third member?"

"No one."

Kakashi blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"I'm not giving you a third team member."

"Why?" Kakashi asked, confused.

"The risk is far too high," Sarutobi said. "Anyone who joins your team would automatically have an undue target placed on their head merely by association. As it stands, all of the clan heads have called in various favors to politely request that their children not be placed on the same team as you three."

He paused. "Of course, I think some of them just don't like you, period. Hiashi seemed especially vehement on his daughter not being placed on a team with you – if it weren't for me promising to cut back on my smoking, I'd ask what you did to him."

"It was technically Tenzou's fault – " 

"Kakashi," Sarutobi smiled genially. "Let me make it more clear. I don't want to know."

Kakashi chuckled before tilting his head. "Even so, can't you just toss me one of the non-clan members? Sakura Haruno should be a good fit, no?"

Sarutobi leveled him with a flat look. "You're telling me," he began, "that you expect me to place the Last Uchiha, the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, and the Copy-Cat Ninja on the same team as a civilian student?"

Kakashi paused. "Well, I guess when you put it that way..."

Not only would Sakura be placed in significantly more danger, but it was unlikely she would be able to even keep up. Granted, civilian students weren't all weak – Minato himself had been one – but the issue was that there was a high chance she would die before she could fully realize her potential. In time, Sarutobi was certain that Sakura could blossom into something great, but time was sadly not a luxury they could afford.

"With three ultra-high profile targets on one team, I suppose it makes sense to avoid giving us a third member. Although not giving us a medic altogether? How cold."

"Speaking as if your medical ninjutsu skills don't already rival the top medic nins at the hospital."

Kakashi chuckled. "That's fair. Then, what, I'm just going to have a two-genin cell?"

Sarutobi nodded.

"Hmm. Interesting."

Then Kakashi leaned forward, and the air around him shifted, his expression becoming fully serious. "So, how fucked are we at the moment?"

Sarutobi chuckled. "Finally stopped beating around the bush, I see."

His expression grew solemn a moment later as well, and he took several moments to compose his words.

"Suna is growing increasingly resentful toward us, largely due to the Wind Daimyo's actions. Kumo's military is becoming worryingly stronger as we speak, and Iwa is as hostile as ever. Thankfully, Kiri is still dealing with its own internal problems at the moment, so no worries there; however, our agents report that the civil war appears to be gradually coming to an end. There is talk of a new missing nin organization, and Orochimaru went under the radar several years ago. I shudder to think what he's up to."

Sarutobi took a long puff from his pipe, ignoring how Kakashi scrunched up his nose at the smoke.

"Konoha's presence is rapidly declining. We still haven't fully recovered from twelve years ago. We have managed to maintain our illusion of power up until now, but… if nothing changes, then war may very well be on the horizon."

It was impossible to fully describe the devastation caused to the village by the Kyuubi attack twelve years ago. Konoha's forces had been utterly crippled in a single night, and it had been a miracle the other nations hadn't invaded right then and there. The only reason why they had been warded off was solely due to the still-dripping wet man sitting on the couch in front of him.

Indeed, when the village had been crumbling, virtually every single foreign nation out there had sent their ANBU teams to probe for weakness and take advantage of the chaos – and Kakashi Hatake had intercepted every single one.

Despite his pain and grief, or perhaps because of it, he had become a bogeyman feared by every single black ops organization in the Elemental Nations. Mostly due to his tendency to shove copious amounts of lightning into people's chests. And asses.

Sarutobi only wished he was joking.

An entire generation of successfully traumatized foreign ANBU agents later, and fortunately the foreign nations had received the message: though Konoha was thoroughly fucked, it was not fucked enough to risk invading.

Not yet, at least.

That was changing, though. Konoha's reputation had taken several large hits in the past decade: Orochimaru's betrayal, the Uchiha massacre, and the overall lack of any new outstanding talent... Even though Kakashi had once again fended off all the enemy probes in the aftermath of the Uchiha massacre to remind them that ANBU Hound was still as terrifyingly strong as ever, it was slowly becoming clear that Konoha was growing weaker while the other nations were growing stronger.

Something drastic needed to happen to restore Konoha's international standing. And that was where Team 7 came in. Kakashi had undoubtedly realized this already, judging by his resigned look.

"I suppose it's not a coincidence that the chuunin exams are just a few months away, huh? And you expect me to train these two up to a level where they will shock and awe everyone in attendance?"

"Not entirely," Sarutobi shook his head. "While that is one of my goals in giving you this team…" His eyes hardened and the air became heavier, an incredible pressure settling down over them. "My primary objective is to create a team that will strike terror into the heart of the Elemental Nations itself. A team so overwhelmingly strong that our current illusion of power will become the real deal. I don't want them trained up to the level of impressive chuunin, Kakashi. I want them trained to be monsters, plain and simple."

His expression grew weary, regretful, but no less determined. "Make no mistake. This will not be an easy assignment. The missions I am planning to send you on will be so dangerous that every single Clan Head has requested that their children not be placed on the team. We may not be at war, Kakashi, but for your team, it will certainly feel like it. As much as I wish to let them enjoy their childhoods further... this is the only way."

Kakashi was silent for a long moment. Then he sighed. "How troublesome. Can't I just go back into ANBU and terrorize some more foreign agents?"

Sarutobi chuckled, and the tension in the air dissipated. "I'm afraid not. The threat of Hound has been an effective deterrent for many years now, but it won't work forever."

"Very well," Kakashi stood up, and with a click of his fingers, he was suddenly dry. "Do me a favor, though? Keep the Council off my back."

"Only if you don't piss them off too much."

Kakashi was silent.

"Kakashi..."

"I'll try to keep the international incidents to a minimum."

Sarutobi exhaled slowly. "Good enough, I suppose."

"Oh, and one last thing," Kakashi extended a hand, looking at him expectantly. "My Icha Icha, please."

Sarutobi smiled. "Spoils of war, Kakashi."

Kakashi's eye widened. "You wouldn't dare-!"

There were some perks to being the strongest shinobi in the village.

Chapter Text

"Late, late, late, late, late, late, late!"

Naruto howled in frustration as he paced around the classroom furiously. All he wanted to do was hurry up and learn some cool new jutsu and maybe go on a mission to save a village or two, but no, he was forced to wait for his jounin sensei to show up.

Everyone else had already left hours ago, leaving only him behind with his teammate. Said teammate in question was currently brooding as usual, his elbows propped up and his fingers interlaced in front of his face as he stared off into the distance. All of his fangirls seemed to think it was the coolest pose ever, the bearing of a profound soul contemplating the meaning of life itself.

Naruto just thought it made him look like a pretentious bastard.

But they were teammates now, huh? Just the two of them.

And whose bright idea had that been? Why was everyone else in a three-man team while he was stuck with this prick?

...

Naruto sighed. Like it or not, Sasuke was his teammate, and he doubted that would change no matter how much he protested. He should play nice – or at least try. He made his way over and plopped himself down backwards on the chair in front of Sasuke's desk so that he was facing him.

"Oi, Sasuke."

A moment passed.

Two.

Slowly, Sasuke Uchiha focused his blank stare at him.

"We're teammates now," Naruto tried.

No reaction.

"Our sensei is late."

Sasuke's eyes flickered over to the clock on the wall and he blinked when he took in the time.

Naruto grinned. "Wanna prank the shit out of him?"

Sasuke let out a tiny scoff.

Naruto snapped.

"Well fuck you too! And y'know what? We're a team now. While I know you think you're better than everyone and all, it's gonna be a pretty miserable time for the both of us if you wanna continue acting like such an asshole."

There was just something about Sasuke that had never failed to rub him the wrong way. It was his eyes – they were always looking down on him, like he was a particularly dirty spot on the ground. For years it had been like this. Even now, Sasuke was just staring at him impassively, not looking affected at all by his outburst.

"Hn."

Naruto looked at him. "Unbelievable. I can't believe you're my teammate."

Sasuke didn't respond. That had always irritated Naruto beyond belief. Would it kill him to show at least some emotion? Was it really that difficult to dislodge that stick up his ass?

Naruto huffed. "Whatever. I don't even know why I tried."

As he stood up and left, Sasuke only watched him, not saying a word. Then he returned to brooding silently.

Yeah. Yeah, this was going to be a pain. Damnit, of all people, why him?!

|:::|

Kakashi Hatake...

Sasuke knew that name. How could he not? It was in every single Bingo Book. Hell, in the Iwa edition, there were two whole full spreads dedicated to the Elite Jounin.

It was fairly obvious why the higher-ups had assigned Sasuke to him. Sharingan no Kakashi. Evidently, they believed that as the only person left with a sharingan (other than that man), he would be the best to train him. Sasuke certainly wasn't complaining.

Well, okay. He wasn't complaining too much.

However, as the clock steadily ticked on with no signs of him showing up, even Sasuke began to become a little annoyed by his tardiness. At first, he hadn't minded so much – a good shinobi needed to have patience – but as it gradually approached the three-hour mark, that was when his temper began getting a little strained.

Naruto was already in the middle of layering a compound trap on the door while muttering vicarious curses under his breath – aimed both at him and Kakashi.

He narrowed his eyes. In terms of teammates, he didn't think they could've picked a worse one to pair him with. The dead last in their class, Naruto was heavily incompetent. Sasuke wouldn't be surprised if he commandeered all of Kakashi's precious time due to how inept he was, forcing their sensei to give him remedial lessons instead of actually teaching them things.

At least they didn't have a third teammate to drag him down – but with his luck, Naruto would likely make up for it anyhow.

How immensely irritating.

Naruto had said that Sasuke thought himself to be better than him, and while he may objectively be more skilled, it wasn't like it actually meant anything. Because compared to that man, he was a fucking joke.

He scowled as he thought about all the time he had wasted listening to lectures he already knew and sparring against classmates far beneath his skill level. Not to mention the blasted lessons on sensitivity training. If the civilians had an issue with how shinobi acted, then that was their problem. Why the hell should he care?

Itachi had already been an ANBU Captain at his age. Sasuke was so behind, it was downright pathetic. At this rate, he would never be able to catch up to him, much less surpass him.

And his jounin sensei wasn't helping things either. Elite Jounin he may be, it still didn't change the fact that he was late!

...

"If you use ninja wire, it would cut off his escape, increasing the odds of the kunai hitting."

Naruto whirled around in shock at the sound of his voice, and even Sasuke was slightly surprised that he had spoken up.

"What?"

Well. In for a penny, in for a pound.

"With your current setup, our sensei could easily dodge the kunai by just stepping to the side," Sasuke said, standing up and making his way over. "However, if we use ninja wire to cut him off on both sides, then he would be boxed in."

Taking out a spool of ninja wire from his pouch and unraveling it, he went to work augmenting the trap. Distantly, he was aware of Naruto staring at him from the side. Glancing over, he raised an eyebrow.

"Hmm?"

"W-what do you mean by kunai?"

Sasuke paused. "Those are for launching kunai at him, no?" He nodded his head at the elastic bands Naruto was rigging into a rudimentary catapult.

"They're for paint balloons..."

"Oh. Well that's rather boring. Can't we use kunai instead?"

Naruto stared at him, seeming a little disturbed. "I... why are you even helping?"

"He's late," Sasuke offered as an explanation.

Naruto's face darkened at that. "Yeah. Yeah, he is." The reminder of their sensei's lateness seemed to be enough to convince him because his expression became resolved, though still a little hesitant. "We can use a combination of paint balloons and kunai, I guess."

"Excellent. Do you have any explosive tags on you?"

Naruto once again stared at him. "No...?"

"Hn. You can use mine. I'm sure even you can find a way to incorporate it into the trap somehow."

Naruto gingerly took the explosive tags he offered him. For several seconds, he alternated between glancing at them, glancing at him, and glancing at the clock on the wall. Finally, he shrugged. "Iruka-sensei is totally gonna kill us after this."

Not untrue. Sasuke was slightly past the point of caring though. After being forced to wait three hours, he just wanted to see Kakashi burn.

This... probably couldn't be considered a prank anymore, huh.

Not that it would actually work on Kakashi. Even if he fell for it, it would only be on purpose. But if nothing else, at least Sasuke would be able to see how he countered such a trap. A defensive jutsu, perhaps? Or just pure speed?

Once they had finished, they sat back down – or rather, Sasuke sat back down while Naruto crouched on top of the desk next to him, buzzing with anticipation. He peered intently at the door, wondering what the famed jounin would do.

Several minutes later, Sasuke heard the sound of approaching footsteps. He leaned forward, eyes positively straining as he focused all his attention on the sliding door. Naruto stopped breathing altogether as the footsteps came to a halt outside.

"Maa..."

Sasuke's eyes widened as a new voice sounded from behind him. Whirling around, he saw a silver-haired man examining the traps with an air of curiosity. Sasuke hadn't sensed him at all. Next to him, Naruto let out a yelp as he crashed down from the desk.

"What the fu – where did you come from?!"

Kakashi ignored him. "Are those... explosive tags rigged to a glitter bomb?" he asked, sounding mildly disconcerted.

Naruto recovered quickly. "Not just a glitter bomb," he said proudly. "There's some itching powder in the mix as well."

"Ah." Kakashi blinked. "How can I put this... My first impression of you two... is that you're both lunatics."

|:::|

"Alright," Kakashi said, sitting on the railing that lined the Academy rooftop. "Since this is our first time meeting and all, why don't we start off with some introductions?"

"What should we say?" Naruto asked, sitting on the steps of the staircase next to Sasuke.

Kakashi shrugged. "Your likes, dislikes, dreams for the future, hobbies, things like that."

"Okay."

There was a moment of silence.

Kakashi scratched his masked cheek. "So... are you going to introduce yourself?"

Naruto crossed his arms. "I'm waiting for you to go first."

"Ah, but I'm ordering you to go first. Perks of being your commanding officer."

"Then I guess you better get used to dealing with some casual insubordination."

Kakashi frowned. "Now that's rather uncalled for," he remarked. "What did I even do to you?"

"You were late!"

"I already told you that I got lost."

"FOR THREE HOURS?!"

"The road of life is indeed a tricky one to navigate," Kakashi said sagely. Then he tilted his head. "Besides, you engineered the most unhinged death trap in return. I say that we're even."

"We're only even when you actually trigger the trap," Naruto growled. "Instead, you forced me and Sasuke to clean up all our hard work!"

"Details," Kakashi waved his hand dismissively. "Well, what about you, Sasuke? How about you introduce yourself?" He paused. "You're trying to set me on fire with your gaze alone right now, aren't you."

Sasuke only continued glaring silently at him with a frightening intensity.

Kakashi sighed. "I can see that I certainly have my work cut out for me. Very well then," he nodded. "I'm Kakashi Hatake. Things I like and things I hate... I don't feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future? Never really thought about it. As for my hobbies... I have lots of hobbies."

He eye-smiled at them. "Right, now your turn!"

Naruto grumbled but acquiesced, likely sensing that he wouldn't be able to get anything more out of him. He smiled brightly. "The name's Naruto Uzumaki! Remember it! I like Ichiraku ramen, pranks, and trees. What I dislike is – "

"Hold that thought," Kakashi interrupted, becoming alert. "Trees?"

Naruto shrugged. "I enjoy hanging around in Konoha's forests a lot."

"I see..." Kakashi leaned back. "Not the strangest pastime, I suppose. Carry on."

"Anyway, what I dislike is the three minutes it takes for instant ramen to cook, and..." He was silent for a moment, an odd expression passing over his face before it disappeared a moment later. "My hobbies are eating ramen, playing pranks, and exploring Konoha's forests. And my dream for the future..." He grinned. "I'm going to become the Hokage, believe it!"

"Mmm..." Kakashi nodded at Sasuke. "Okay, and you?"

"My name... is Sasuke Uchiha. I dislike many things, the most prominent being people who hold me back and people who are late." He shot Kakashi a pointed look, which made the jounin smile inwardly. "My likes are irrelevant, and I don't have the time to waste on hobbies. As for my dream..."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "It is less a dream and more an ambition. The restoration of my clan... and a man who I need to kill."

Naruto slowly edged away from him, looking more than a little perturbed. Kakashi merely gazed at him with an indecipherable look for a moment. Then he clapped his hands together.

"Excellent! Now that we're more acquainted with each other, it's time to start your apprenticeship exams."

A moment of silence.

"Apprenticeship exams?" Naruto repeated, confused. "What do you mean? Didn't we already take our graduation exams?"

Kakashi's eye crinkled into a smile. "Maa, that was just for becoming genin. This exam is to determine whether or not you'll be taught by me."

"Oh." Naruto considered it. "Can I fail?"

Kakashi blinked. "What? Why?"

"I don't want to be taught by someone like you," Naruto said bluntly. "Can't I get a better sensei?"

"Idiot," Sasuke muttered.

Naruto turned on him. "What did you just say?"

"Don't you know who Kakashi is at all?" Sasuke asked, raising an eyebrow scornfully. "There's no way you're this ignorant." Naruto bristled but he continued. "Kakashi Hatake, also known as the Copy Ninja Kakashi or Sharingan no Kakashi, is famed for having learned over a thousand jutsu and being one of Konoha's most elite jounin. There are many who consider him to be the strongest shinobi currently residing in Konoha aside from the Hokage himself."

"Aww, a fan!" Kakashi smiled. "I can get you an autograph later if you'd like."

Sasuke closed his eyes, ignoring him. "So as unlikely as it seems... there is no one better than him."

Naruto gaped at him before swiveling over to look at Kakashi in a completely different light. "...for real?"

"For real," Kakashi confirmed. "Now that we have that out of the way, allow me to explain. If you pass this test, then you'll have the honor of being my apprentice. If you fail..." His cheerful air vanished, and the temperature seemed to drop by ten degrees. Naruto and Sasuke both stiffened at the sudden change. "Then you'll get sent back to the Academy."

"What?" Sasuke hissed.

"You can't do that!" Naruto protested.

"As much as I hate to admit it, he's right," Sasuke said, eyes narrowed. "Genin who fail their jounin apprenticeship exams will be sent to the genin corps to be trained by chuunin and the occasional special jounin."

"Ordinarily, yes," Kakashi agreed. "A normal jounin sensei wouldn't have the authority to demote a genin back to an academy student. However..." He smiled. "I'm not a normal jounin sensei, now am I?"

Naruto sat back, looking horrified. "So we'll get sent back to the Academy if we fail your test? And you did this to all your past students?"

"Nope!" Kakashi said merrily. "Only you two." At their outraged looks, he smiled. "My advice? Next time, think it through before deciding to engage in some 'casual insubordination.'"

Sasuke shot Naruto a positively incensed look while the blonde rubbed the back of his head nervously.

"Oh. Ehehe. My bad."

"What's the test?" Sasuke demanded.

"Ah, ah," Kakashi said. "Patience. The test will be held at Training Ground 3 tomorrow at 5am. Don't eat breakfast, you'll throw up. See you there!"

And he disappeared in a swirl of leaves, leaving Naruto and Sasuke behind. For several seconds, neither of them spoke.

"In my defense – "

"Save it, idiot."

"Tch. Bastard."

|:::|

"... so to sum it up, only one of you will have the honor of becoming my personal apprentice. The other will be sent right back to the Academy. Unless, of course, both of you fail to get the bell, in which case I get to continue enjoying my leisurely life of being student-free," Kakashi smiled, raising the single silver bell as it tinkled lightly. "Any questions?"

Naruto's entire body was tense as he stared at him in disbelief and more than a little panic. Well, it was understandable. If Kakashi was faced with the threat of being sent back to the Academy, he would definitely be alarmed as well.

Shifting his gaze, Kakashi wasn't surprised at all to see Sasuke glaring at him murderously, though the effect was somewhat ruined by his trembling hands betraying his clear agitation. Kakashi's lips quirked. These cute little genin always tried so hard to act tough.

"No questions? Capital. Is there anything else I'm forgetting...? Ah, that's right. Make sure to come at me with the intent to kill. It'll be far too boring otherwise."

Naruto swallowed. The action was barely audible but Kakashi heard it anyway. Hmm. How did they desensitize Academy students again? He barely remembered anything from his time in the Academy. Didn't they... have the students stab some small animals? Would that even work?

Ah whatever. He'd deal with it later.

Thankfully, it seemed that Sasuke had no issues using lethal force against him – in fact, he looked positively gleeful at the idea. Looked like the homicidal streak ran in the family and WOW was that a terrible joke to make. Good thing he wasn't talking out loud.

Kakashi had been looking forward to seeing how these two would fare. The genius Rookie of the Year and the son of his sensei... This should hopefully prove to be interesting.

Anyway, that should be a long enough dramatic pause.

"You have until noon. Ready... begin!"

Kakashi was pleased to see that despite Sasuke's anger, he didn't attack, instead immediately rushing into the forest. A direct assault would obviously never work given their vast skill difference, so Sasuke had gone straight to employing guerilla tactics, hiding and masking his presence in order to ambush him later. A standard course of action that any shinobi with half a brain would've taken.

...

He couldn't ignore it forever. Oh how he wanted to, but he couldn't. Internally already bracing himself, Kakashi turned to Naruto, who hadn't moved from his spot at all.

"Maa... you were supposed to hide..."

"Ha! Me? Hide? Against you?" Naruto grinned confidently, his arms crossed and his body language looking remarkably relaxed for the situation. Whatever panic and nervousness he had shown had disappeared completely, replaced by a lively determination. It was rather amazing. Was it courage or just pure stupidity that allowed him to overcome his fear like that? "Why would I run away and hide when I can instead fight you head-on and take that bell for myself?"

Kakashi stared at him, at an honest loss for words.

"..."

"So let's settle this fair and square, one-on-one, just you and me!"

Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose. Minato-sensei, please give me strength.

"RAHHHHHHHHH!"

Holy mother of gods and dear Sage almighty. Just as he thought it couldn't possibly get any worse. Was Naruto letting out a fucking battle cry? As a shinobi?!

Kakashi resisted the urge to whimper and avert his gaze from the unmitigated disaster currently unfolding in front of his very eyes. This was an affront to shinobi everywhere. Oh god, it hurt to watch.

Naruto charged at him, opening with a spinning kick. Part of Kakashi wanted to knock him out right then and there to spare himself any further pain. He nearly wasn't able to resist the urge. It was with tremendous difficulty that he forced himself to remain on the defensive, blocking Naruto's attacks with ease – they were far too slow and choreographed.

Yeah. Yeah, training Naruto was going to be painful. He had thought he had known what to expect – Naruto was the dead last – but this was... this was a little too much to handle. Already, he was mentally despairing at all the remedial lessons and lectures he'd had to give if he didn't want Naruto to die the first time he faced off against an actual enemy shinobi.

Kakashi stepped back to dodge the punch, tilting his head slightly to avoid the kunai Naruto had flung at him. Enough was enough. For the sake of his sanity, he needed to end this.

Stepping forward, Kakashi made his first offensive move since the fight began – oh?

Naruto surged, putting on a sudden burst of speed while letting out a massive roar. Kakashi aborted his attack in favor of taking several steps back in order to avoid Naruto's flailing fists, frowning in disapproval at the ostentatious display. Not even Kushina had been this loud. If Kakashi didn't know any better, he would think that Naruto was trying to distract him from something –

Kakashi's instincts screamed at him. He immediately lashed out with a kick that sent Naruto flying away before whirling around, only for his eyes to widen in shock as he came face to face with a fucking sea of orange.

Hundreds of shadow clones flooded out from the forest, charging at him with startling speed. They were close, far closer than they had any right to be, the nearest one being less than a meter away — how had they sneaked up on him without him noticing?! — and they crashed into him a second later.

Even as Kakashi exploded into a whirlwind of movement, dispelling the shadow clones by the dozen, his mind raced as he tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.

When had Naruto formed those shadow clones? How had they all stayed undetected? It made no sense. Kakashi hadn't seen Naruto form any hand seals at all during their entire fight...

Unless Naruto had created the shadow clones before their fight.

Kakashi ducked underneath a kunai swing before turning his head and scanning the forest. It took him only a second to spot the haze of lingering chakra smoke that had yet to fully dissipate. The telltale sign of the transformation jutsu.

A smile slowly spread across Kakashi's face as he finally realized what was going on.

Naruto must've created the shadow clones long before Kakashi had even arrived at the clearing. He had been late for three hours, after all. The shadow clones had scattered throughout the forest, using the henge to transform themselves into various rocks, bushes, and other innocuous objects. Naruto had then rushed at Kakashi, intentionally overexaggerating his loudness and flashiness in order to distract him from the shadow clones dispelling their transformations and rushing him from behind. Hell, there might have even been a psychological element to it as well, with Naruto knowing how much the spectacle would hurt Kakashi and thus further throw him off balance.

It was an ingenious strategy, one that displayed far more cunning and forethought than Kakashi had expected. Perhaps Naruto wasn't a complete idiot after all.

"Not bad," Kakashi said approvingly as he elbowed a clone in the face, weaving between another two.

"Stay still and get hit, damnit!"

That wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Kakashi had blocked several of Naruto's punches and they had hurt. As a jinchuuriki, Naruto had a staggering amount of chakra running through his entire body, naturally amplifying his strength by a significant degree. If any of those punches actually landed, it had the potential to do some serious damage.

Of course, that was only if they landed. Even when outnumbering Kakashi several hundred to one, Naruto's taijutsu was nowhere near good enough to even hope to land a hit.

That being said though, fighting through a veritable army of clones was starting to get a little tedious, especially since there seemed to be no end in sight.

Every clone he dispelled was replaced by two more. How was Naruto doing this?! His chakra reserves were frankly ridiculous. Not even the Hokage had this much chakra. Kakashi's own reserves were utterly pitiful in comparison. He supposed it was to be expected, though, with Naruto being the jinchuuriki to Kyuubi and an Uzumaki to boot.

Once Kakashi taught Naruto some long-range jutsu... The battlefield would become a terrifying place indeed.

For now, however, it was time to get out of this mess.

"Got you!" A Naruto clone yelled triumphantly as one of his punches finally landed. "Eat shit Kakashi – wait what?"

He blinked as the Naruto he had just struck shot him a betrayed look, rubbing his jaw in pain. "What the hell was that for?"

"Wait, where did he go?!" Another clone yelled.

"I don't see him anywhere!"

"Where's Kakashi?"

"He must've used a henge to transform into us!"

"He thinks he can fool us?"

"Attack! Trust no one!"

Kakashi blinked from where he was crouched on a branch as he watched the swarm of clones suddenly descend into a full-on brawl. He had performed a quick substitution with the original Naruto – he had kept track during the fight – before body flickering out of there, thinking that Naruto would dispel his clones once he mistakenly realized that Kakashi had used a henge; it was the reason why he had substituted with the original Naruto, as he wouldn't dispel after a punch.

However, it appeared that rather than taking the smart move and simply dispelling the clones, Naruto had instead decided to start a free-for-all within himself...

Only a partial idiot, then?

"Hold on hold on! We don't need to fight amongst ourselves!"

"Sounds like something that Kakashi would say! Die!"

"Wait no no he has a point!"

"Boss can just undo the technique, can't he?"

"You want him to kill us?!"

"Better than us literally beating up ourselves!"

"Can't Boss just dispel us all to see which one is the transformed Kakashi?"

"Hey, that's right! Why didn't Boss just do that from the beginning?"

"Because he's an idiot, that's why!"

"Hey!"

"Yeah! Why is the original such a dumbass?"

"Shut up! You're my clones!"

"Which means we know exactly how you think – "

There was a large puff of smoke as Naruto canceled the technique. When it dispersed, it revealed... two Naruto's standing in the clearing...?

Kakashi started in surprise before frowning in confusion. Hold on. Naruto had dispelled all his shadow clones, hadn't he? So why were there two Naruto's?

"Found you!" Naruto yelled, pointing his finger at the other Naruto, whose body language suddenly became very awkward. "Prepare to die, Kaka... shi...?"

He trailed off as the other Naruto went up in a puff of smoke as well, the henge dispelling to reveal none other than Sasuke standing there, looking distinctly uncomfortable.

"... why did you henge into me?"

"Hn."

Kakashi nearly lost it as he realized what had happened, barely managing to contain his laughter.

Sometime during his fight with Naruto, Sasuke must've seen an opportunity and decided to henge into Naruto to disguise himself and join the fight, clearly planning to catch Kakashi off guard. He must've been slowly working his way toward Kakashi through the mass of clones, but before he could make a move, Kakashi had substituted himself out, leaving Sasuke in a rather precarious situation.

And, judging by the redness on Sasuke's cheek and a few scrapes on his arms and legs, he hadn't been able to escape the fray unscathed.

How terribly unlucky. Kakashi smiled in amusement at the beautiful timing.

"Wait, how do I know you're not just Kakashi transformed into Sasuke?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "I'm not, idiot."

"Hmm," Naruto squinted at him. "You certainly have his general air down perfectly. I doubt anyone else can easily imitate being such a bastard."

"Excuse me?"

"But Kakashi is a jounin... So prove that you're not Kakashi," Naruto challenged. "Say something that only Sasuke would know."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Should I talk about the time you made a move on me?"

Naruto gaped at him. "What? When?!"

"You kissed me yesterday."

"SOMEONE BUMPED INTO ME!"

Sasuke scoffed. "Likely story."

"What – what the hell does that mean bastard?!" Naruto blanched in horror. "I don't like you like that! I don't like you, period!"

"Hn," Sasuke turned around and began walking away. "I don't have time for this. There's a bell I need to get."

"Get back here! We're not done talking yet!"

Sasuke acted as if he hadn't heard him.

Kakashi's eyebrows rose in interest. Oh my. At first, he had thought that Naruto and Sasuke had a typical Rookie of the Year-Dead Last dynamic, but with this turn of events... So it was like that, hmm? He'd have to have a talk with them later about professionalism in the workplace.

"Well you know what? I'm glad that my clones were able to beat you up just now. Thanks for transforming into me, jackass."

Sasuke froze. Then he spun around and punched Naruto in the face.

"Ow! What was that for, bastard?"

"Just wanted to make sure you weren't actually Kakashi in disguise."

"Bullshit."

Sasuke suddenly bolted into a sprint, running into the forest. Naruto stared after him in disbelief for a second before taking off after him, chasing him while yelling various obscenities.

Yep. Definitely needed a long talk after this.

Standing up, Kakashi disappeared in another body flicker. He tailed the two from a distance, watching as Sasuke turned pivoted around after some time and flung some shuriken at an angle, the attached ninja wire wrapping around Naruto who let out a grunt of surprise as he suddenly tripped and fell to the ground. Sasuke immediately turned back around and began running again.

It would take some time before Naruto could extricate himself. Kakashi didn't bother stopping for him; he already had an adequate grasp of Naruto's skills. All he needed to do now was evaluate Sasuke's abilities.

After several minutes, Sasuke finally stopped and concealed himself among some bushes. It would've been more effective if Kakashi hadn't been watching him hide.

Kakashi took a few seconds to decide on what he should do. They had said that Sasuke was a genius, hadn't they? That meant that Kakashi had a moral obligation to push him to his limits in order to test how this generation's geniuses measured up, right?

Oh, who was he kidding. He just wanted to have some fun and cut loose for a little bit.

With that in mind, Kakashi jumped down from the tree he was hiding in and landed on the ground soundlessly a good twenty meters away from Sasuke, well within view. He began ambling around aimlessly, hands in pockets and completely relaxed.

"You know, I was thinking," he mused out loud to seemingly thin air. "Naruto didn't seem like the type to set up such a dangerous 'prank' like the one yesterday. What's more, when we fought earlier, his arsenal consisted purely of kunai and shuriken; he didn't have any explosive seals or ninja wire on him. Which begs the question: who exactly was it that had given them to him yesterday?"

There was predictably no response.

"You know what I think?" Kakashi stopped in the center of the clearing. "I think that someone's being a bad influence. And bad influences should be reprimanded. Of course, you're an Uchiha, which means I doubt my words will get to you. So allow me to speak in a language that will."

And then his hands blurred, dozens of hand seals being formed in less than a second as he leaned back and inhaled a great amount of air –

Fire Style: Fire Dragon Flame Bullet!

Flames. Blistering white hot flames that shot toward Sasuke's hiding place in a focused stream, as tall as Kakashi and twice as wide. The fire dragon roared and snarled as it demanded to be released so it could rampage freely, but Kakashi maintained his iron control over it, shaping the flames into a concentrated flow and thus multiplying the intensity of the attack by several magnitudes.

After several seconds, Kakashi cut off the technique. The flames slowly died down to reveal a charred and blackened landscape. A large gouge had been cut into the ground, nearby leaves had burst into flames from the heat, and the bushes had completely disintegrated.

Through the air still hazy from heat, Sasuke was nowhere to be seen.

A flicker of movement in his peripheral vision. Kakashi instantly turned, arm raised to block the incoming kick – then his eyes widened as the illusion passed straight through.

A normal bunshin?

Which meant – behind him!

Kakashi jumped straight up, narrowly avoiding the kunai strike to the base of his spine which, judging by the angle of the thrust, would've paralyzed him. Sasuke immediately pushed the attack, jumping after him and unleashing a flurry of blows that forced Kakashi back – right into the path of the shuriken which flew at him from his blind spot; Sasuke must've thrown them before he had engaged.

Drawing a kunai of his own, Kakashi deflected the shuriken before narrowing his eyes as Sasuke completed the hand seals in second Kakashi had been occupied and exhaled a massive fireball at him.

Kakashi leaped into the air once more, eyeing the destructive technique with interest. While it hadn't been as powerful as his own fire jutsu, it was still something far beyond anything a normal genin could pull off.

Without letting up, Sasuke flung out even more shuriken and kunai at Kakashi in midair, who had to block them all – wait, no, he grabbed the last kunai of the barrage and tossed it far away, where it exploded not a moment later due to the explosive seal attached.

Kakashi didn't even have a second to recover as he landed on the ground before Sasuke was already on him, engaging him in a bout of taijutsu. Kakashi blocked Sasuke's right kick before tilting his head as Sasuke spun around and lashed out with his left leg. His body now almost parallel to the ground, Sasuke continued the motion of his spin and used the momentum to carry him into a hook punch.

He leaned back – a puff of smoke – and Sasuke's arm extended as he dispelled the henge; he had transformed himself into a slightly smaller version of himself. Kakashi had to put on a burst of speed, contorting his neck to dodge the punch.

Sasuke landed in a low crouch, shooting upward with a kunai in his hand as he attempted to disembowel Kakashi. Liking his innards where they were, Kakashi sidestepped, only to blink as he registered the explosive tag attached to Sasuke's kunai still in his hand.

There was no way –

Sasuke let go of the kunai before lunging for the bell attached to Kakashi's waist, attempting to take advantage of Kakashi's shock. Kakashi twisted, grabbing Sasuke by the arm as the tips of his fingers touched the bell, a light tinkling sound ringing out, and flinging him away before body flickering out himself, right before the explosive seal detonated.

What a reckless child. Sasuke didn't even have access to the body flicker like Kakashi did in order to avoid the blast. He had used his own body as a hostage to force Kakashi to save him instead of jumping away, undoubtedly knowing that there was no way he was going to let the Last Uchiha perish on his watch.

Jumping back to put some distance between them, Kakashi flipped through some hand seals and cast a quick genjutsu on Sasuke. It did nothing. Sasuke dispelled it nearly immediately with the kai technique, scowling heavily.

They came to a temporary standstill as both sides regarded the other.

"Quite impressive," Kakashi said. "Your taijutsu skills are leagues above Naruto's, your ninjutsu isn't half bad, and you didn't even wait for my genjutsu to get to the good part before dispelling it. It's clear that you deserve the title Rookie of the Year."

A look of satisfaction appeared in Sasuke's eyes, only to disappear a moment later at Kakashi's next words.

"As for the title of 'genius', however... I'm afraid that I'm going to have to gatekeep a little here." Kakashi tilted his head. "You're good, but a genius you are not."

"What?" Sasuke hissed, suddenly looking furious.

Kakashi sighed. "And here I was, getting so excited as well. Ah well. Shouldn't have gotten my hopes up." He made a movement to reach into his pouch before pausing, a strange expression of irritation and displeasure passing over his face. His hand dropped back down to his side. "Anyway, I've seen enough. Let's end this – "

Sasuke didn't even wait for him to finish, charging at him with anger in his eyes.

"Losing your temper?" Kakashi tsked from where he had slammed Sasuke into the tree next to him. Sasuke let out a choke of surprise, clawing at Kakashi's hands. "Elementary mistake. Perhaps I really should send you back to the Academy after all – not just your final year, but back to the beginning altogether."

Sasuke glared at him angrily, but before he could say anything, an alarm began ringing in the distance. Slowly, his face morphed into an expression of horror as he realized what that signified.

"But we can discuss that later," Kakashi smiled. "For now, time's up!"

|:::|

"... the true meaning of this test was teamwork. Something that both of you failed to grasp. Or were you really so arrogant as to think that you could possibly take a jounin one-on-one?"

Naruto and Sasuke stared at him incredulously, both of them tied to the training logs.

"So we were supposed to work together?" Naruto asked.

"Exactly. If the two of you had actually combined your skills, you could've stood a decent chance against me."

"But you said that only one of us would pass," Sasuke said.

"Of course. The test was designed to intentionally set you against each other. It was to see whether or not you could identify the true win condition – teamwork – and possess the pragmatism to ignore your own self-interests in order to complete the mission."

Kakashi shook his head. "It's a pity that neither of you realized this."

"That's not fair! You tricked us!"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Yes. I am a shinobi." He turned around and began walking to the large memorial stone that stood several meters away.

"Even more importantly than pragmatism, however... Well. To be a shinobi is to accept the companionship of death. Every mission is a life-risking assignment, and the end can come at any time."

He paused in front of the memorial stone, staring at the familiar dark surface. "The countless names engraved on this stone... These are all the heroes of Konoha. The ones who have given their lives in service for the village. Many of my dear comrades' names are engraved here."

He heard Naruto's sharp intake of breath and even Sasuke shifted slightly.

Kakashi turned around, his expression completely serious. "The only way we can deal with the constant looming threat of death on a mission... is to face it together as a team. We must trust our comrades that they will do whatever it takes to not allow us to die, to keep us all alive."

He looked at them, his single visible eye hardening.

"Even if we fail the mission. Even if we break the rules."

He tilted his head upwards to gaze at the sky.

"Because in the world of shinobi, those who break the rules are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are even worse than trash."

There was a long moment of silence.

"So what are you going to do now?" Naruto asked, his voice small and quiet. "We were worse than trash just now, weren't we?"

"Idiot, weren't you paying attention?" Sasuke's eyes were dark and furious. With whom, Kakashi couldn't tell. "He's sending us straight back to the Academy."

Kakashi hummed. "Now, now. Let's not be too hasty. It appears that you both were able to understand this lesson just now, weren't you?"

A brief hesitation, then both of them hastily nodded their heads.

"Yes absolutely very much so."

"Hn."

"I suppose I could give you a second chance," Kakashi said idly. He tossed a kunai at Sasuke, severing his bonds. The rope fell to the ground as Sasuke stepped forward, massaging where the rope dug in. "Here's the deal. We can try the exercise again in the afternoon, where you both work together and see if you can take the bell. Only Sasuke gets to eat lunch, though."

"What? Why?!"

"Casual insubordination."

"You're still hung up about that?!"

"Sasuke, you're forbidden from sharing your lunch with him. Consider it a punishment. Rest and eat well; the test will be more difficult in the afternoon."

Sasuke nodded silently.

"Hey, you bastard! Don't just nod!"

"I'll be back in about thirty minutes," Kakashi said before turning around and walking away, reaching inside his pouch.

Sasuke sat down and grabbed the bento on the ground in front of him –

"I changed my mind," Kakashi suddenly said as he turned back around, his face carefully blank.

"Eh?" Naruto looked fearful. "You're gonna fail us after all?"

"No, nothing like that," Kakashi said. "Normally, I would pass my students if they shared their food with their team and fail them if they followed my rules like mindless drones, but... it's pretty obvious that Sasuke would share his food with you anyway. So let's spice things up this time."

He tossed another kunai at Naruto, severing his ropes as well. Naruto stepped forward, looking confused.

"How do we pass, then?"

"An exchange," Kakashi said simply. "For you see, there is a certain item in our esteemed Hokage's possession. A book, to be specific. According to my intel, it's currently residing underneath a false bottom in the third drawer of the Hokage's desk. If you two manage to retrieve that book, I'll give you the bells in return."

Sasuke's eyes widened in shock. "Wait, you don't mean – "

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Launch an assault on the Hokage Tower and steal the book by the end of today. If you two manage this, I'll pass you both."

"Fuck yeah!" Naruto crowed in excitement.

"Fuck me," Sasuke said, already looking like he was dreading what was to come.

"Good luck, you two!"

Chapter Text

ANBU Tiger shifted uncomfortably, a bead of sweat trickling down his face behind his mask. It was excruciatingly hot under his armor, there was a spot on his back that itched terribly, and his arm had gone numb about an hour ago.

If there was one thing that the Hokage's personal ANBU guards hated, it was the floorboards assignment. There were only so many places to hide inside the Hokage's office, after all. Before the shift had begun, Tiger had been the one to draw the short straw, and so he had been forced to lie underneath the floorboards, contorted into an awkward position that allowed him to spring up and break through the floor at a moment's notice but did no favors to his spine or neck.

I fucking hate this place. Can't we get someone to spruce it up? Maybe expand this hidey-hole a little so it doesn't feel like a sweltering torture chamber?

You already know the higher-ups would never allow it, ANBU Jackal replied.

And why the hell not?

Their logic is that they suffered through the same thing, so we must too.

Fuckers.

You know it.

Tiger sighed internally as he retreated from the mental link that ANBU Frog provided. Due to the ANBU's need for stealth, there was always a Yamanaka on the Hokage's personal force. Tiger had no idea how other nations' ANBU were able to do things without the convenience of instantaneous telepathic communication.

Hey, what if we ask Cat for a favor? ANBU Ferret suggested. He'll help us out, right?

You want to ask him? Jackal said incredulously.

I mean, yeah. He has the mokuton, doesn't he? Should be a piece of cake for him to make some alterations.

Tiger perked up. Hey that's right. Why don't we ask him?

...

...

...

Fuck, Tiger and Ferret said in unison.

Yup, Jackal sighed.

Wait, I'm missing something, Frog spoke up in confusion. Isn't Cat chill?

Sure is, Jackal agreed. Guy's dependable, consistent, and competent to the extreme. Can't ask for a better squadmate. The problem is who Cat's associated with.

Who are you talking about – oh. OH FUCKING HELL.

I would sooner insert a senbon between my C6 and C7 vertebrae than willingly deal with Hatake, Tiger said with a mental shiver.

I DID get a senbon inserted between my C6 and C7 vertebrae when I went over to his place to fetch him for the meeting a few days ago, Ferret whimpered. I thought the Hokage was just overreacting when he sent an entire ANBU team over there with me appointed as the leader. Who the fuck booby traps their apartment so extensively?

There's a reason why only a select few Yamanaka are allowed to enter the guy's head, Frog said grimly. Bastard's a nutcase.

Yup. And if we ever go to Cat for a favor, you already know that Hatake would get involved one way or another.

Damn. So we're stuck with the shitty floorboards? Tiger asked.

We're stuck with the shitty floorboards, Jackal confirmed forlornly. Speaking of which, we have incoming. Three people... oh speak of the devil. It's Hatake and his genin brats.

Wonder if Hatake passed them this time.

Of course he did. I doubt he was given an option not to. It's the Uchiha and the Jinchuuriki. The Hokage even made a personal trip to his apartment, and you already know the Council is downright salivating at that team.

Hold on. You're saying that Hatake was forced to pass those two?

Indeed I am.

Those kids are so fucked, Ferret chortled.

That they are. That they are.

Alright, that's enough, Frog said. Radio silence, everyone. Look alive.

They all withdrew from the mental link and prepared to act. Granted, the odds of Kakashi or his brats actually attacking the Hokage were infinitesimally small, but an ANBU's job was to be paranoid. They were positioned so that they could defend from all avenues of attack: Tiger was beneath the floorboards, Frog was hidden inside the potted plant, Jackal was waiting behind the wall to the left, and Ferret was prepared to drop down from the ceiling at any time.

Theoretically speaking, they should have been perfectly hidden by the plethora of seals inscribed by four generations of Hokages. Any sound they made was canceled by an inverse wave, their scents were neutralized, and their chakra signatures were cloaked.

Of course, that fact didn't stop Kakashi from looking around the room and locating them all in a single second before giving a cheery wave. And unlike Jackal, he didn't even have a Byakugan to help.

Fucking show-off.

Oddly, Kakashi then cast a glance at a far section of the wall to the right that nobody was hiding behind. A false positive? Tiger smiled. Looked like he wasn't so perfect after all. Small victories.

"Kakashi," Sarutobi greeted with a smile, drawing Kakashi's attention to him. "And Naruto and Sasuke as well. What brings you three here?"

"Old man!" Naruto shouted with a large grin on his face, running up to the Hokage without any sense of respect or decorum. "We just took our genin test!"

"Apparently so," Sarutobi said, his eyes crinkling with fondness. "And did you pass?"

"Nah, didn't wanna."

There was a long moment of silence. Confusion filtered into the mental link as the ANBU wondered if they had heard correctly.

Sarutobi blinked. "I'm sorry?"

Naruto shot a quick look over at Kakashi, who was standing with a relaxed pose at the back of the office, hands in his pockets and a slight slouch to his back as he looked over the proceedings with his eyes glazed over. Sasuke was next to him, a blank expression on his face, though his eyes flickered slightly.

Then Naruto looked back at the Hokage and leaned in with a conspiratorial air.

"Kakashi-sensei's kinda a dick."

He said this in a volume that was probably meant to be a whisper but still was loud enough that everyone in the room heard it loud and clear. Kakashi gave no reaction, and Sasuke's breathing was a little too even, suggesting that he had just suppressed a sigh. Or a snort. One of the two.

Sarutobi took a moment to respond. "You should respect your elders, Naruto," he said. "Kakashi is a very skilled and renowned jounin that I personally handpicked to be your sensei."

"You're not denying it."

"He is the elite of the elite, his prowess being respected internationally by everyone from the lowliest genin to even rival nations' Kage."

"He was three hours late to our first ever meeting."

"The Copy Ninja Kakashi is a moniker feared by many. It isn't every day you get the opportunity to be taught by such a man."

"He was six hours late to our genin test!"

Sarutobi opened his mouth, paused, and shot Kakashi an incredulous look. Kakashi suddenly became very interested in the ceiling. Sarutobi's lips thinned but he continued anyway. "Patience is a virtue extolled by many, and for a good reason."

"We're shinobi! Who cares about virtues?"

"Naruto," Sarutobi smiled the my patience is about to snap smile. "Kakashi is your jounin sensei. The only jounin sensei I'll give you. You need to pass the test."

Naruto crossed his arms stubbornly. "Well, I don't want him."

"Even if you get sent to the genin corps?"

"Doesn't matter," Naruto boasted. "Not even the genin corps can hold back the might of Naruto Uzumaki. I'll become Hokage either way, believe it!"

They had a brief staredown, a twelve-year-old genin – no, not even a genin yet. An academy student entering a battle of wills with the Third Hokage himself.

Sarutobi broke first. He let out a deep sigh, reached into his desk, and drew out an Ichiraku delivery form.

"How many bowls?"

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "Do you think you can bribe me?!"

"Would twenty work?"

"How dare you?!" he howled in outrage. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki! My will cannot be swayed so easily. If you think you can buy me off, think again!"

"Naruto..." Sasuke spoke up, his tone flat.

"What, bastard?"

Sasuke looked pointedly at how Naruto was shaking the Hokage's hand with one hand and filling out the delivery form with the other.

"Oh," Naruto coughed as he gingerly set the pen down and stepped away. "Sorry. My hands slipped." He whirled on the Hokage and scowled. "That was a dirty trick."

"There was no trick..."

Naruto ignored him.

"For your grave insult, I demand recompense."

"I already taught you the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu several months ago to let you pass the Academy test," Sarutobi reminded him. "Isn't that enough?"

"Nope."

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow. "Quite greedy, aren't you?"

"Rightfully so. If you don't give me compensation, then I'll never accept Kakashi as my sensei."

Sarutobi held his gaze for several moments before letting out another sigh. He couldn't completely conceal the fondness in his eyes though.

"Fine. What do you want?"

Naruto crossed his arms. "Something from your desk. Anything. I get to pick."

"What would even be the purpose of that?"

"A trophy to prove that I reigned supreme over the Hokage himself. It will be my first with many more to come."

Sarutobi's lips twitched in amusement. "Oh? Very well then. You may come collect your prize then, though I'm afraid I must insist that you do not take any classified documents or important paperwork."

"Who wants paperwork as their trophy?" Naruto scoffed as he bounded over to behind the desk, the Hokage scooting his chair over to let Naruto have access to his desk drawers.

"You know, if this is an attempt to get at my tobacco, you realize you could've just asked," Sarutobi commented as Naruto began rifling through his desk drawers.

"Eww. Smoking is nasty."

"You're simply too young to appreciate it."

"More like I still have my sense of smell. Don't blame you. If I had to deal with Kakashi-sensei's bullshit for so long, I would've lost my sense of smell too."

Sarutobi couldn't help but snort at that. "Oh, you don't know the half of it – I mean to say, he is a valued jounin and you should be honored to be under his tutelage."

"Riiight."

Naruto opened the third drawer and squinted at the content within. Some stacks of paperwork, a few ink brushes, a couple hard pieces of candy. "Hmm..." Then he dug deeper, pulled out the false bottom, reached in, and took out a book wrapped in a protective layer of cloth.

"I'll take this," Naruto said cheerfully as he turned around to leave. "Thanks, old man!"

A hand fell on his shoulder like an executioner's blade, rooting him in place.

"Naruto," Sarutobi smiled genially. "Why do I have the feeling that you're not being entirely honest with me here?"

"Ehehe," Naruto laughed nervously, his head creaking as he turned to look back at him. "What do you mean?"

"Why did you go straight for this book?" Sarutobi asked, holding up the book in question.

Naruto blinked, looking back at his now empty hand. "Wait, when did you-? Give that back!" He lunged for the book, only for Sarutobi to raise it high above his head.

"Ah, ah, ah. I'm afraid that this book is off-limits."

Naruto gritted his teeth before taking a deep breath and breaking out his best puppy dog eyes. "J-Jiji," he whimpered, his eyes watering. "Please?"

Sarutobi's expression was carved from granite, unrelenting even before such a vicious assault. "No. Not until you tell me why."

"If I don't get the book, then Kakashi won't pass us!"

Sarutobi paused. "What?"

"He said that he'll only pass us if me and Sasuke manage to retrieve that book from your desk. So can you give it to us? Pretty please?"

Sarutobi shot a withering look at Kakashi. "Seriously?"

"I know, right?" Kakashi responded commiseratingly. "I'll need to talk to him about the importance of operations security later."

"I was referring to the fact that you skipped giving the bell test, a time-honored tradition, in favor of this farce of a test."

"Oh no, I gave them the bell test," Kakashi said. "I just... added a small part to it. In order to further test their teamwork, of course."

"Teamwork," Sarutobi repeated dryly. "I'm glad your motives were so pure. Well, their teamwork is certainly stellar so far? I love the part where Naruto tried to beg for the book while Sasuke watched on doing nothing. Yes, truly, the sheer camaraderie and cooperation I see brings a tear to my eyes."

Kakashi smiled. "Oh, the negotiations was just Plan A. Plan B is where the teamwork comes in."

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what, pray tell, is Plan B?"

"A really bad idea."

Sarutobi blinked, but before he could ask for elaboration, Naruto suddenly yelled, "NOW!"

The Third Hokage immediately stepped back, storing the book back into his robes while bringing his other hand up defensively in one smooth motion.

Nothing happened.

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow. "Bluffing, now?"

Naruto grinned. "Not quite. Shh. Listen."

Sarutobi furrowed his brow but his curiosity got the better of him, the room falling quiet as they all listened for something.

It started as a distant buzz, barely discernible, but slowly grew in volume and frequency until they could all hear the panicked screams and cackling laughter coming from below in the lower levels of the Hokage Tower, interspersed with the sound of explosives and the distinct noise of paint splattering on walls.

"What in the..." Sarutobi muttered in gradually growing horror. "Naruto, what did you do?"

Naruto smiled foxily. "What makes you think I did anything?"

The door to the Hokage's office suddenly burst open and a haggard-looking chuunin staggered in.

"Hokage-sama! We're under attack! Naruto Uzumaki is assaulting the-"

He cut off as he laid eyes on Naruto, who was grinning widely.

"You!"

"Naruto," the Hokage groaned. "Why are you…" He shook his head. "No, I don't have time for this. Ferret, Jackal, Frog, Tiger, go deal with it, please."

The ANBU materialized out of nowhere, giving a quick bow before quickly rushing out of the room. The chuunin followed them after a moment's hesitation, but not before shooting Naruto another angry look.

"So," Sarutobi said, looking remarkably composed despite the continued screams sounding from down below. "You've managed to separate me from my ANBU guards. Congratulations. But what now? You cannot possibly believe you can defeat me in direct combat-"

Naruto let out a battle cry and charged at him.

Sarutobi sighed. "I stand corrected."

|:::|

"We should try diplomacy first. Talk it out with the Hokage and politely request the book from him. Hopefully he'll be reasonable. You're close to the Hokage, right?"

"Yup! Me and the old man go wayyy back. But what if negotiations don't work? I doubt Kakashi would give us this task if it were so easy to accomplish."

"True. In which case, we move onto Plan B."

Naruto waited for Sasuke to elaborate. When the Uchiha didn't say anything, he frowned. "Which is?"

"I'm thinking."

"Well think faster!"

"It takes time. You'd know if you had any firsthand experience in the matter."

"Hey!"

"He'll be surrounded by ANBU guards," Sasuke said, his eyes narrowed. "If we wish for an attack on him to succeed, we need to somehow get rid of them first."

"So... can we pay them off or something?"

Sasuke fixed Naruto with a flat stare. "They're the Hokage's handpicked guards."

"We'll need a distraction, then. Can I just send my clones charging everywhere?"

Sasuke shook his head. "If we attack head-on, then he'll be on his guard from the onset. I'd rather us take it slow first." He paused, biting his lip. "You transformed into rocks, branches, bushes earlier when you were attacking Kakashi. Can you do that, but instead with office supplies?"

A smile spread across Naruto's face. "Oh, I like how you think."

"If we can somehow scatter your henged clones throughout the Hokage Tower..." Sasuke turned to Kakashi, who was watching them plot with his eyes curved up in a slight eye-smile. "Will you help?"

"I won't give any direct assistance, but I can take a few detours to visit my favorite desk chuunins on the way up."

"Excellent. Then we'll use the clones as a distraction to get the ANBU guards away."

"What about the ANBU in the tower?" Naruto asked. "Or the ANBU on patrol? Won't they be drawn by the pandemonium?"

Kakashi shrugged. "As long as you don't use anything too dangerous, the ANBU will just assume that you're on a pranking spree – and the last thing they want to do is be within the Hokage's vicinity where they could be roped into cleaning duty."

Naruto snickered. "Suddenly, I understand why the ANBU never seemed to be able to catch me when I was younger."

Kakashi hummed. "Partly that, but partly also because we were taking bets on how long it would take before you got caught."

Naruto blinked. "Huh?"

Kakashi scratched his head. "A lot of sabotage was going on in the background, I'll tell you that. I still remember that one time Parrot nearly caught you before Rat tossed a young child into his path."

"HUH?!"

"Those were the good ol' days," Kakashi smiled.

"You guys were the elite?" Sasuke muttered.

"You say that so disbelievingly."

"Hn. At any rate... once we have the Hokage isolated, Naruto and I will attack in tandem and attempt to steal the book away from him."

"What?" Naruto said. "Are you out of your mind? Who the hell attacks head-on like that?"

"... one moment. I need to catch my breath from all the hypocrisy I'm choking on."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Okay, look. I attacked Kakashi like a dumbass, but only because I was acting as a distraction for my clones to jump him from behind."

"Fair," Sasuke conceded. "So you attack from the front while I loop around from behind?"

Naruto was silent for a moment. "That won't work," he finally decided. "Unless Kakashi joins us in the fight, which I doubt he will" – Kakashi nodded – "then we'll never win in an actual fight. I'm good, but Jiji is Jiji, after all."

Sasuke frowned. "Then what do you propose?"

Naruto smiled. "Deception and subterfuge, of course."

"TAKE THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS! KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

Sasuke let out a sigh of exasperation as Naruto sent wave after wave of clones at the Hokage. How was it possible that someone who had come up with a plan like that was so unbearably flamboyant? Clones had filled the office – a little too many clones, in fact. In such an enclosed office, it was stifling, with their movements being restricted due to their proximity with each other, and Sasuke couldn't even see the Hokage through the orange.

Which was a good thing, he supposed. After all, it allowed him to quickly henge into Naruto without being noticed. Hopefully, at least. At the same time, one of the Naruto clones henged into him, adapting a scowl that was scarily accurate.

Joining the clones, Sasuke began charging – not toward the Hokage, but rather to the side. While he had wanted to utilize the same strategy he had been going to use on Kakashi, he and Naruto had quickly decided that one he had lost the element of surprise, the Hokage would easily take them both down.

Instead, Sasuke slowly made his way across the room, hidden within the horde of Naruto clones. Fortunately, the Hokage was sticking to taijutsu for now. Sasuke did see him cast several glances at the transformed Sasuke who was still standing next to Kakashi, but Naruto's henge held true.

While the Hokage likely suspected them of plotting something, it seemed he was content to humor them for now. Sasuke was fully aware that he could take down both him and Naruto in a blink of an eye, but shinobi as a whole tended to be a curious bunch and one didn't earn the title of The Professor for nothing.

However, Sasuke could see that the Hokage's attention was waning. Though Naruto continued shouting and yelling, the fact was that he didn't have any flashy eye-catching techniques in his arsenal. Other than the clones, of course, but from the sounds of it, the Hokage had been the one to teach Naruto the technique.

Fortunately, he and Naruto had already planned out what to do when this happened.

"Paint bomb?"

"Lame. How about a rubber ball covered in explosive tags?"

Naruto hesitated. "That's attempted assassination on the Hokage."

"We can blame it on Kakashi."

BOOM!

The explosion shook the entire room, causing Sasuke to wince at the loud volume. Fortunately, the Hokage had used an ingenious combination of wind and earth jutsu to contain the worst of the shockwaves and shrapnel, so despite how loud it was, no harm was done. Oh how Sasuke wished he had the sharingan so he could copy the Hokage's jutsu.

"You reckless moron!" The Hokage rebuked. "Just how many explosive tags did you put onto that?"

"Huh? An entire packet. Duh."

The Hokage blanched slightly, for some strange reason. Sasuke didn't understand. What sort of self-respecting shinobi wouldn't use as many explosive tags in an attack? It was a universal law that the effectiveness of an attack was directly proportional to the diameter of the blast radius.

"This is treason, Kakashi!" the Hokage shouted as he effortlessly flowed through the clones, ripping them apart as he did so.

"No, no," Kakashi called back before eye-smiling. "It's a training exercise."

Finally in position, Sasuke prepared himself to act. He just needed one final big diversion...

"What about a stink bomb?" Naruto suggested.

"Sure, but replace the solution with a mixture of bleach and ammonia," said Sasuke.

"What does that do?"

"Holy shit," said Kakashi.

There was a small pop before a yellow-greenish gas quickly filled the room, the clones popping as they breathed in the concentrated chlorine gas. After he had shot Sasuke a disturbed look, Kakashi had shrugged and helped them create an improvised gas bomb, making several modifications to increase the concentration and spread rate, only saying that he wanted to see the look on the Hokage's face.

And gods, was it glorious. The Hokage's eyes were wide and incredulous as he stepped back. "What has gotten into you – no! I refuse to believe it!" He whirled on Kakashi, giving Sasuke his opening to act. "What is wrong with you?!"

"In my defense, it wasn't even me who suggested it," Kakashi said lazily. "Blame dark and brooding over here," he gestured at Sasuke (or rather, the transformed Naruto clone, who now had an arrogant smirk on his face – damnit, why was Naruto so good at acting like him?), "He's the one who's corrupting Naruto."

The Hokage muttered something under his breath before flipping through a set of hand seals and inhaling with his mouth – Sasuke choked on his spit as the Hokage sucked in all the chlorine gas. Holy fucking SHIT, what the hell? Did the Hokage have a method to somehow neutralize the chlorine as it entered his system?

It appeared so, because after all the gas in the office was gone, the Hokage then spit out a chunk of crystal. It clattered to the ground, breaking into smaller pieces.

Salt, Sasuke realized.

The Hokage must've protected his insides with chakra to prevent the moisture from reacting with the chlorine, and instead somehow caused the chlorine to react with sodium to form normal table salt. Sodium metal at that.

What the fuck. Sasuke wasn't even aware that that was possible.

"Alright, that's enough," the Hokage declared, blurring over and grabbing Naruto by the back of his jacket, hoisting him up like a naughty kitten. "I can accept many things, but chemical warfare in my office is not one of them. You'll have to pass Kakashi's test some other way."

Naruto was silent for a moment.

Then he smirked.

"Yeah? I don't think so."

The Hokage narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"

In response, Sasuke – or rather, the transformed Naruto clone still standing next to Kakashi – dispelled with a pop and a cloud of chakra smoke.

The Hokage's eyes widened. "A clone-?"

He whirled around only to see Sasuke dispel his own henge to reveal him standing in the corner of the room, a stack of paperwork on the ground in front of him. The Hokage looked at his desk to confirm that Sasuke had somehow snatched his paperwork away while he had been distracted with dealing with the gas bomb.

"Sasuke..."

"The book," Sasuke demanded. "Or your paperwork is going to burn." He inclined his head at the explosive seal attached to the top of the pile, his hand already formed into the necessary hand sign to detonate it at a moment's notice. His other hand hovered over the stack, flames licking at his fingertips in a display of elemental chakra manipulation, ready to set the paper aflame.

"You tricked me," the Hokage said. He didn't look shocked, nor did he look particularly worried. "You transformed into Naruto while one of Naruto's clones transformed into you, and you snuck around while I was distracted so you could hold my paperwork hostage."

"Yeah! And you fell for it!" Naruto crowed triumphantly from where he was still being held up by the back of his jacket.

Only because the Hokage had been humoring them, Sasuke reminded himself. In a real battlefield, the Hokage would've been much more alert and wary, but Sasuke had counted on the Hokage letting his guard down around Naruto. It had been a gamble, and it had paid off.

"Just so you know, there are explosive tags on multiple pages," Sasuke said quickly, just in case the Hokage decided to blitz past him with his superior overwhelming speed. "No matter how fast you are, you won't be able to get to all the explosive tags before I detonate them. And that's assuming my flames don't reach them first." His eyes narrowed, even as the flames in his palm grew brighter. "The book. Now."

The Hokage gazed at him with an unreadable expression, his wizened face giving away no clues whatsoever. Naruto waited with a bated breath, Sasuke's entire body tensed as he prepared to detonate the tags, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Kakashi leaning forward, for once looking engaged in the proceedings.

This was checkmate.

Then, strangely, the Hokage suddenly relaxed, a smile appearing on his face. He dropped Naruto to the ground, dusted off his robes, and drew out a pipe.

"Okay, go ahead," the Hokage said. "Burn it."

|:::|

Naruto blinked at the Hokage's noncommittal response.

Burn... it?

He shared a quick glance with Sasuke, who looked just as confused as him, before they both looked back at Sarutobi, staring at him as if he had just grown a second head.

"You're okay with us... burning the paperwork?" Naruto asked hesitantly.

Their entire plan had revolved around a hostage trade-off. Naruto would act as a diversion while Sasuke sneaked around to steal their true objective, the paperwork on the desk. Then, once they had the paperwork in their grasp, they would force the old man to give the book to them, lest his work suffer some significant disruptions.

It had all gone perfectly...

Until the Hokage had called their bluff.

"I'll really burn the paperwork," Sasuke said, his voice dangerous. "I'm not joking."

"He totally will," Naruto added. "He's got several screws loose in his head or something."

Sasuke twitched but continued. "Hand over the book now, or all of this goes up in flames. This is not some bluff or trick."

Naruto paused, looking over to stare at him. "Wait, it's not?"

"It's not."

"But I thought we were going to move to Plan C...?"

"Do we have a Plan C?"

Naruto's silence was telling.

"Yeah, I thought not," Sasuke said before looking back at the Hokage with narrowed eyes. "If I fail this test and have to go back to the Academy – or hell, get sent to the genin corps – then even if I can't change your mind, I'll make sure you suffer just as much as I do."

Dear gods, Naruto really needed to have a talk with Sasuke after this. He hadn't realized the bastard was so spiteful. Not a good trait to have at all. But, well, at least it would help them in this scenario, as Sarutobi would have to realize that they weren't bluffing.

The Hokage didn't respond at first, instead lighting his pipe and taking a long puff. He savored the smoke for several moments before breathing it out again, slow and unhurried.

Then, he spoke.

"If you believe you can levy me into a hostage negotiation like this, you're sadly mistaken. You are several decades too young for this. Do it, Sasuke Uchiha. Burn the paperwork."

There was a long moment of silence as they tried to figure out if Sarutobi was bluffing.

He wasn't, Naruto realized. The Hokage had no issues with letting his paperwork burn, even if it would mean setting his work back by several days. What in the world? Who even did that?

This plan was a bust. Think. How could he turn this around?

Naruto strained his mind, trying to formulate a Plan C, a way for them to magically pull through and convince Sarutobi –

Just wait a damn moment.

They had been approaching this thinking that their opponent was the legendary Third Hokage, the God of Shinobi. And yeah, he technically was, but even beyond all that...

"Sasuke, don't burn it."

Sasuke looked at him, affronted. "What?"

"That's what I thought," Sarutobi said triumphantly – until he heard Naruto's next words.

"Here's the deal," Naruto said, stepping forward. "If you give us the book..." He grinned. "We will burn the paperwork."

The silence was deafening. Sasuke gaped at him, Kakashi tilted his head, and the Hokage...

The Hokage's gaze sharpened as he looked at him, for once looking completely serious.

"I'm listening."

"We'll accept all the blame," Naruto promised. "Just think of all the free time you'll gain. Sasuke had grabbed the unfinished paperwork pile because we didn't want to actually mess anything up too badly, which means it's only a matter of getting replacement copies of the paperwork. That'll take them, what, a few days? You'll have an entire weekend to yourself as they try to track down and get the new forms of the paperwork."

Sarutobi narrowed his eyes. "I'll have to do it in the end anyhow, though. All it's going to do is delay everything by a few days. In fact, even more work is going to stack up in the meantime."

"Yeah, but you're going to have to do all the work anyway. At least this way, you get a free weekend out of it. So what do you think?" Naruto grinned. "Deal?"

Sarutobi stroked his chin. He shouldn't take the deal. It would be highly unprofessional if he did. Besides, he wasn't a procrastinator. He was the Third Hokage, the Professor, the diligent hard-working leader of the –

|:::|

"I can't believe that worked," Kakashi said as they stood outside of the Hokage's office. "How did you know he was going to take the deal?"

"The only reason why he would be fine with us burning the paperwork is if he didn't want to do the paperwork," Naruto said. "After that, I just had to remember that even if he may be the legendary Third Hokage, the God of Shinobi himself..." He grinned. "He's also a lazy old man who would prefer avoiding doing his work whenever possible."

Sasuke let out a snort. "And he's our esteemed Hokage..." Despite his words, his tone made it clear that he wasn't being serious. He appeared to hold the Hokage in even higher esteem after everything due to having seen his incredible skill firsthand.

"So there you have it, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto smiled. "Do we pass?"

Sasuke turned to look expectantly at Kakashi as well.

The silver-haired man looked back at them both for a moment. Tension slowly gathered in the air – and then he dispelled it with a laugh.

"Yeah. Yeah, you two pass," Kakashi said, smiling. "Good work, Team 7."

"YES!"

Naruto whooped in joy as Sasuke cracked a smile.

"Now..." Kakashi held out his hand. "The book, please?"

"Oh right," Naruto glanced down at the book he was holding in his hand, still wrapped in the protective cloth cover which obscured the cover. "Hey, what even is this book anyway?" he asked curiously.

Kakashi froze as Naruto began unraveling the protective cloth.

"Wait, don't – "

Kakashi was cut off by a choked sound coming from Sasuke. The Uchiha was staring at the book cover with wide eyes before whipping his head over to stare at Kakashi, too appalled to even speak.

"Porn?!" Naruto howled, having immediately recognized the very infamous series. "You sent us to attack the Hokage... for a porn book?!"

"I resent that. It's fine literature – "

"HN?"

" – and you're simply too young to understand the sheer exquisiteness of the – oh never mind, just give it here," Kakashi snatched it out of Naruto's hands, bringing it close to his chest as he was finally reunited. "Oh, my precious. How I've missed you. I'll never use you as bait again, I promise."

Naruto stared at him in despair. "We're stuck with you now," he said forlornly. "You're the one who's going to be teaching us."

Sasuke looked at Kakashi as if he was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. "I shouldn't have burned the paperwork."

Kakashi merely eye-smiled at them. "Get a good night's sleep. Meet you two at Training Ground 7 tomorrow morning at 8am. Don't be late~"

And he disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

The two were still for a minute afterward, each considering their life choices and lamenting how it had all led up to this.

Naruto broke the silence first.

"I've been wondering for a while now," he began quietly. "The only reason why Kakashi switched to this test is because he said you would have shared the food with me. Is... is that true? Would you have really shared it with me?"

"..."

"Sasuke?"

"..."

"If you think I'm going to stop asking you if you stay silent, then you're in for a rude, persistent, and very irritating awakening – "

"Fine!" Sasuke snapped. "Yes, I was going to share the food with you."

"Yes!" Naruto cheered. "So you do have a heart somewhere in there after all! I knew nobody could be that large of a bastard without some sort of advanced brainwashing."

"I wasn't going to do it for you. I just wanted to piss off Kakashi."

"Mhm, I'm sure," Naruto grinned, reaching over and thumping Sasuke on the back. "You know what, you're not that big of an asshole. Wanna go get some ramen?"

Sasuke paused, looking indecisive for a few moments before his eyes flickered. "Not tonight."

"Alright, cool," Naruto said. "I'll be off then – "

"YOU!"

They both froze. Slowly turning around, they saw a horde of desk chuunin, ANBU, and even a few clerical civilians glaring at them. They were covered in a combination of paint, glitter, and powder, even the ANBU – though judging by how the ANBU were strategically positioned away from each other and shooting each other wary glances, there had likely been some backstabbing involved.

"Naruto," Sasuke began cautiously. "I think your diversion worked a little too well..."

There was no response.

Sasuke glanced over at Naruto, only to be met with thin air. His eye twitched. Son of a bitch!

"Sasuke Uchiha..." An ANBU with the mask of a Jackal stepped forward menacingly, looming over him. The effect was reduced somewhat by the orange handprint on his mask, but with the swarm of people behind him, he was no less threatening. "Are you prepared to answer for your crimes?"

I hate my team...

|:::|

Sarutobi puffed on his pipe as he leaned back in his chair, a faint smile appearing on his face as he thought back over the evening's events. Ah, that had been a fun break from the boring monotony of his day and would no doubt become a memory he would look back fondly on in the future.

"You've gotten soft, Hiruzen."

Sarutobi's expression didn't change despite the fact that he should've been the only one in the office at the moment. He had dismissed his ANBU ten minutes prior, saying he wished to have some time alone, and had finished placating the vexed administrative shinobi before that.

"I was wondering when you would show up, old friend."

From the shadows stepped out a single figure, his movements silent and his presence so utterly suppressed it was as if he were an incorporeal being. He strode forward with an impossible grace that belied the bandages covering more than half his body, stopping in front of Sarutobi's desk and taking a seat, his posture immaculate.

"When," Shimura Danzo repeated. "Not if. Have I gotten so predictable in my old age?"

Sarutobi chuckled. "More like I doubt you would've missed such a commotion happening in the heart of the village itself."

Danzo inclined his head. "There was once a time where you would've never tolerated such antics. There were clients in the tower today, both prospective and returning. For that alone, you would've taken the two down before they could even blink and followed it up with a reprimand so harsh they would never forget it. What happened to that man?"

"He grew up. Had a family. Hair turned white," Sarutobi took another puff from his pipe, blowing it out slowly. "At our age, there is not much we can do anymore. Memories are all we can make."

"Sentimental."

"Guilty as charged."

There was a long moment as they gazed at each other, faces resolved and stern.

"You old monkey," Danzo chuckled. "What am I supposed to do with you?"

Sarutobi gave a lopsided grin. "Clean up my messes?"

"I'm not your maid, you know."

Sarutobi shrugged. "You could be. Koharu had her eye on the most adorable maid uniform the other day. It wouldn't be too hard to make some alterations to it."

Danzo leaned back, horrified. "You wouldn't."

Sarutobi smiled. "She was the one who suggested it. The Hokage's shadow deserves to have a special uniform, don't you think?"

"I'll go straight to Iwa."

"No you won't."

"Okay, I won't," Danzo admitted. "But I will release the photos of your stag party – "

"You said you burned them all!" Sarutobi bolted upright, suddenly looking panicked.

"I lied," Danzo smiled. "It's what I do."

"Consider the maid uniform idea discarded, disassembled, and demolished."

"Good."

They fell into a companionable silence, Sarutobi puffing on his pipe and Danzo waiting patiently.

"They don't deserve this," Sarutobi finally whispered. "Both of them have gone through far too many hardships already."

Danzo sighed. "You always were far too soft. They will be fine, Hiruzen. We went through far worse as children – even Hatake went through worse. You and I both know perfectly well that in order to truly become strong, they must be thrust into an inferno."

"Those in the middle of an inferno tend to get burned."

"Or they get melted down, reshaped, and forged into something infinitely stronger."

"Shinobi are not metal, Danzo."

"No," Danzo agreed. "They are far more resilient. Trust in them, Hiruzen. Trust in the potential in Uchiha and Uzumaki, and trust in Hatake to be able to temper them into something brilliant. For Konoha needs them. I wish we didn't, but we do."

Sarutobi let out a long sigh. "All for the sake of the village, huh?"

"Indeed. It is what we have always done, and it is what we shall continue doing until the day we draw our last breath." Danzo reached over the desk and clasped Sarutobi on the shoulder in a rare show of support that would've never been displayed outside the privacy of this office. "Stay strong, old friend. If all goes as planned, they will be able to take over from us in just a few years. We only need to hold out until then."

"Do you think we can?" Sarutobi asked, suddenly feeling very tired. "You know better than I do just how unstable the world is right now. We may uphold the illusion of peace, but just a single spark can cause everything to burst into flames."

"We must," Danzo said. "And even if we don't..." He smiled humorlessly. "Well. There's the inferno I'm talking about."

There was a pause.

"You aren't planning on sparking a war, right?"

Danzo scoffed. "I may have the reputation of a war hawk, but you know that it is just that: a reputation. Besides, why would I ever want to start a war I'm not even confident we can win? I may be old, but I'm not senile. I haven't forgotten about the Kyuubi attack."

"Ahh," Sarutobi sighed at the tragic memory. The Kyuubi attack had singlehandedly lowered the average lifespan of Konoha by several years. It was a calamity of untold proportions, and he could still remember just how chaotic the aftermath had been as they all tried to preserve the village.

"We recovered," Danzo said, reading his thoughts. "Not fully, even to this day, but with the Will of Fire, we managed to survive."

"Yes," Sarutobi murmured. "Yes, we did." He let out a long sigh. "I wish Minato was still here. I'm getting too old for this." He paused. "You sure I can't convince you to become Hokage?"

"Only if you kill me first."

"Hmm... Edo Tensei does exist..."

"You're evil."

Sarutobi chuckled. "Pot, meet kettle."

Outside, darkness fell as the sun fully set, though light still streamed in from the busy streets below.

"Are you going to punish those two?" Danzo asked.

Sarutobi was silent for a moment. "No. No, I'm not. I wish for them to be children, even if it's only for a little while longer."

Danzo nodded, having expected it. "Very well. I won't argue against your decision."

"Thank you. Besides, having Kakashi as their teacher is punishment enough."

Danzo's lips twitched. "I wonder what Iwa would think if they knew of Hound's reputation within Konoha."

Sarutobi laughed. "I for one would like to see the look on Onoki's face firsthand." He paused. "Would you like to join me for dinner?"

"I'm afraid I must decline," Danzo said, standing up. "I have several other matters to take care of. Have a pleasant night, Hiruzen."

"You as well, Shimura. Oh, and take your Root member with you, please. I let him stay today to observe the proceedings, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't make it a habit."

Danzo chuckled. "My apologies." He snapped his fingers, and an ANBU in a faceless mask melted out from the wall to the right, disappearing in a blur. "I had been curious as to what Hatake and those two were up to. I look forward to reviewing the memories of the... fight."

With that, the Shinobi of Darkness left the room as swiftly as he had come.

Sarutobi leaned back in his chair once more, enjoying his pipe as thoughts swirled around in his mind.

"... I should've made a copy of the book."

|:::|

"... and then I tossed an improvised explosive device at the old man and, get this, he surrounded it with some sort of air jutsu to neutralize the blast!'" Naruto chattered on excitedly to Teuchi and Ayame as they worked. "It was awesome!"

"I can imagine," Teuchi laughed. "I remember Hokage-sama giving a public demonstration of his ninjutsu once before. It was magnificent."

"Yeah! And soon, it will be me using those ninjutsu," Naruto said. "Apparently, Kakashi-sensei knows over a thousand jutsu – "

He was cut off as a new person ducked underneath the flaps and entered the small ramen shop.

Naruto brightened and waved hello. "Hey, Kagemori!"

The older man smiled in greeting. "Good evening, Naruto. Haven't seen you in a while."

Naruto had met the man five or six years ago when he had been eating in the ramen shop. Kagemori was an older retired shinobi due to a debilitating injury, and had covered Naruto's tab when he had forgotten his wallet at home. The rest was history.

"Tonkotsu ramen with extra vegetables please," Kagemori ordered. Teuchi had already been working before he spoke, having memorized his order long ago.

Naruto made a face. "I still don't understand why you order extra vegetables. That's disgusting."

"They're healthy for you."

"They turned your hair green!"

Kagemori laughed. "I was born with green hair, Naruto. Green eyes, too." He paused. "Well, only one eye now," he touched his right eye, which was covered by a black eyepatch. "But I digress. Point is, vegetables didn't cause them to turn green."

"That's what you want me to think," Naruto said suspiciously.

Kagemori chuckled. "So how did your genin test go? Attacked the Hokage, now did we?"

Naruto paused. "How did you know about that?"

Kagemori fixed him with a flat stare. "You assaulted the Hokage Tower in broad daylight."

"Oh," Naruto laughed nervously. "Ehehe. In my defense, it's all Kakashi-sensei's fault."

"Say less. I understand completely."

"It was so cool, though! I gotta tell you about it," Naruto grinned. "Another bowl please!"

"Coming right up!"

"Where's your teammate, by the way?" Kagemori asked. "Sasuke Uchiha, wasn't it? Why isn't he here? It's traditional for a team to have a celebration dinner after passing their genin test."

Naruto shrugged. "Beats me. He just said he had to do something."

"Hmm... Well, no matter. So tell me, what exactly happened?"

Naruto launched into a dramatic retelling once more.

|:::|

"... and somehow, it worked. The Hokage agreed to the deal, which led to me using a small Fireball jutsu on the Hokage's paperwork," Sasuke shook his head, still clearly hung up on that. "Wasn't expecting to do that today when I woke up. I suppose I'm not complaining, though. I passed Kakashi's genin test, after all."

There was no response, but Sasuke smiled anyway.

"Yeah, I'm a genin now. A little late, but they wouldn't let me skip the Academy, so not much I can do there. I'll get stronger quickly, I promise. Kakashi's... questionable, but there's no denying he's strong."

He paused. "Though I still can't believe he had us retrieve a porn book – or that the Hokage had one in his desk in the first place... But anyway. My teammate, Naruto, isn't as useless as I had thought he would be. Even though he's a bit aggravating at times, I think I can get used to him. Maybe this team thing won't be so bad after all."

Sasuke was silent for a moment. Then, he stood up from where he had been kneeling down in front of the grave.

"Well, I should go have some dinner soon." He smiled. "See you later, mom."