Chapter Text
12/30/21
Observations.
I watch you from across our circle of friends. You're laughing at something someone said, and the way your happiness radiates off of you nearly takes my breath away. The way your eyes thin to make room for your big beautiful smile makes my heart flutter, and I find myself smiling too. But not by what was said.
We're walking back from somewhere on campus. It's late, late enough that there's not a ton of people around. I can tell you're not physically present. I can always tell when you're retreated into your mind. I take your hand, and you let me, holding mine right back. It's not romantic, but I squeeze your hand three times. You know it's one of the ways I say "I love you," but my meaning is one that is meant for every sense of the phrase. I catch the subtle upturn of your lips. You caught my squeezes and you squeeze mine back once or twice. Not a mirroring of the statement, but an acknowledgement and a reply. Everything and nothing is said.
I watch you watch them. I see how your eye soften when you're looking at them, contrasting your sharp wit. How I wish that you could look at me like that. But I know that they stole your heart long ago, and I can only bask in the ripples of it.
I wake up from my dreamless state, the phase between waking and sleeping. I never do quite sleep when we nap with one another. But I've never really needed to. Just resting with you has always been more than enough. This time, however, I feel the impulse to look up at you from my resting place on your chest. Acting on this impulse, I look up to see your sleeping face, and I am awestruck. For once, you look entirely relaxed, a look I don't often see on you. It suits you, the way your face is smooth and unmarred by life. I allow myself to indulge in the fantasy of seeing this expression every morning and sleepless night.
I'm sitting next to you, resting my head on your shoulder. These chairs were never meant for affection of this kind, but it's alright. I've never minded. I've never minded being ever so slightly uncomfortable if it meant being closer to you. Eventually, the stiffness in my neck and shoulders force me to sit upright in my own chair. Similarly, the stiffness in my heart has forced me to take several steps back from you. I hate it, knowing that a simple conversation has the power to alter our friendship forever, but I cannot ignore the stiffness that has turned my heart brittle.