Archive of Our Own

(1)

“Kunikida-san, you can do it right?” 

The table quieted, the detectives present in the conference room turning Kunikida’s way. 

Dazai leaned to the side to whisper into Atsushi’s ear. After a few seconds, Atsushi’s face turned red as Dazai smirked. Kunikida smacked the back of Dazai’s head.

“Shut up.”

“But you didn’t even hear me!”

“I don’t need to hear you to know.”

Dazai smirked. “Whoa there, someone’s head’s in the gutter!”

Kunikida sputtered, more out of anger and embarrassment at this happening in front of his fellow coworkers and boss than because Dazai was right.

He schooled his face down as best as he could as he faced Fukuzawa. “Yes, we should choose someone more… suited… for this job.”

Their mission was to seize and arrest a military general suspected of aiding a terrorist group. But, it was merely speculation and the police couldn’t press charges  until enough evidence was gathered. At their wits end, they contacted the Agency and asked for their assistance. The general, Ryuoi Matsudera, was supposed to attend a banquet later that day. Ranpo had deduced that they would be able to find a harddrive on Matsudera, and the President decided the banquet was the best option and so, an undercover mission would be under way. After some more intel had been gathered on Matsudera, Ranpo also deduced that that best option would be sending one of the men on the team to seduce him until evidence was found as a way to safely be around him without being suspicious.

It was then that an idea occurred to him.

“Hey, Dazai. Why don’t you go?”

“Me? Why?”

“Y’know, because…”

How does one respectfully call their coworker a whore? 

“Because…?”

Kunikida’s face strained. There was no respectful way to call a coworker a whore, he decided, and especially not in front of his boss. Dazai just smiled in that half amused, half bored way of his. 

Fukuzawa cleared his throat.

“If Kunikida refuses, you’re our last option, Dazai. Will you do it?”

Dazai smiled earnestly. “Of course, President.”

Kunikida’s jaw nearly dropped. Atsushi seemed equally taken aback by the sudden shift in his behaviour.

“Very well then. We move out tonight as planned.”

Kunikida stared at Dazai, unconvinced. For a single second he saw Dazai stare blankly into the distance. But before he could blink, Dazai noticed his staring and turned to face him, back to grinning stupidly.

He held the question on his tongue. Dazai would never answer something like that honestly. Most don’t, but especially not him. Kunikida shook the image from his head and returned to the office space. There was still logistics to go over with Tanizaki, he had no time to waste on that enigma of a coworker.

Just before he entered the main office though, Ranpo stopped him, eyes glinting. 

“Keep an eye on Dazai.”

“Yes, of course.”

He agreed quickly enough, but it confused him. Just what was going to happen that Ranpo was worried about?

 (2)

“Dazai. Do you copy?”

“….”

Tanizaki paled beside him, nervously watching the security camera feed. “Are the mics malfunctioning?”

Kunikida grit his teeth. What did he do to deserve a manchild for a partner? He hoped none of this was being recorded. “Falcon One. Do you copy?”

“Loud and clear, Falcon Two.”

There was a clear live feed of all on-field agents in front of him, and that bastard had a straight face as he said that and walked into a banquet full of extremely affluent people. Retrieving this hard drive was a matter of national security and he insisted on such childish names. It shouldn’t surprise him anymore after two years of working with him,  but just how carefree can someone be? It was unsightly. And everyone on the field today can hear me, Doppo Kunikida, say that too!

He returned his focus to the task at hand. They couldn’t expect responses from Kenji as he was surrounded by civilians, working undercover as a line cook. One of the security cameras in the kitchen showed that he was eagerly talking with another worker.

“Atsushi. Kyouka. Are you two ready?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, Falcon Two.”

Calm down. I can’t yell at a little kid.

Tanizaki offered him a bottle of water, probably out of pity by the way he smiled. He took it and chugged it. Those two were currently in the kitchen, stacking dishes onto their carts. They had infiltrated as servers to provide backup and as a precautionary measure should things turn south. Kyouka and Atsushi’s abilities were the best offensive units in the Agency, and Fukuzawa would not hesitate to pull out all the stops for the assured safety of his team.

And as for Dazai? 

He was socialising, chatting up a table of important government authorities and socialites. They were all laughing, loving Dazai’s endless jokes and abundant charisma.  Kunikida watched him intently. He had already made contact with the target. 

But something was off about this whole scene.

Clad in a black tuxedo and with his hair neatly combed and tucked behind an ear, he looked almost like a socialite himself. Yosano even made sure to conceal Dazai’s eye bags as best she could, but he was beginning to suspect she didn’t just stop there, Dazai looked….

Dazai didn’t look ugly, for once. Kunikida had a hard time ignoring that.

“Are you okay Kunikida-san? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Keep your eye on your monitors. It’s almost time.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Kyouka approached Dazai’s table with a cart of orders. She silently distributed the meals to the guests and left without so much as a nod at Dazai. Her job for this phase wasn’t to talk to him, but only to ensure that the target received the batch of noodles that Kenji had prepared. The target dug into his meal. As soon as Matsudera was a couple bites in, Dazai began the next phase of the operation. He removed his microphone and discreetly slipped it into a napkin before placing it on his half-eaten plate. Waving Kyouka over again, he had her dispose of the microphone, the sole giveaway of what his motive was.

Then, he turned his full attention to Matsudera. Dazai wasted no time. He placed a hand lightly on Matsudera’s knee and talked. Although he had no way of knowing what he was saying, Kunikida was confident Dazai would succeed, but his stomach felt oddly uneasy as he watched Dazai’s hand creep higher still.

After just a few minutes, Dazai and Matsudera had gotten up, leaving the main hall. Tanizaki had already left to follow with his hood pulled low over his head. His infiltration was the only possible flaw in the plan, but Kunikida hoped for the best. Tanizaki flickered into nothing as he opened the door out of the monitor room, a light snow beginning to fall where he once stood.

Kunikida’s eyes scanned over the monitors as fast as he could before finally relocating Dazai. He and Matsudera were in a hallway, Dazai with his back to the wall and the target pinning him to the wall just next to a door, his mouth right next to Dazai’s ear. Kunikida allowed himself a second to take in the sight of Dazai, once again how not–ugly he looked, especially like this. Then he remembered the importance of this mission and redirected his attention.

“Take the main door on the west side. Room 6. Hurry, Tanizaki!”

“Understood!”

Even if he hounded Tanizaki to be quick, that would achieve almost nothing. All he could do was wait.

Finally, they kept their hands to themselves long enough for Matsudera to unlock the door via a lengthy password and key. He recorded the password in his notebook as per the earlier plan. They were inside the rooms, the only unmonitored areas in the hotel. Kunikida’s current position became useless but they wouldn’t just leave Dazai in the dark, even if Tanizaki was waiting to provide cover the moment it was needed. This was within expectations, so Kunikida stepped out of the monitor room without a second thought, sparing a glance at the security guard he had to knock out on his way in before he stole the uniform off him. He walked calmly through the banquet hall, then broke out into a mad dash as soon as he was away from the guests, sprinting down the halls.

He came to a stop outside the sixth door. Tanizaki materialised next to him. 

“You’re out here?”

Tanizaki stared at the ground. “I’m sorry. The door closed before I could make it in.”

He wasn’t just any socialite. Ryuoi Matsudera was also a top ranking military officer, currently on leave. Dazai was nowhere near skilled enough in hand-to-hand combat to defend himself against someone of that calibre, he didn’t even bring his gun as it would be difficult to conceal given the nature of his infiltration. He was alone and essentially defenceless. 

“I’ll-”

Kunikida didn’t hear him out. Kenji could’ve easily broken the door down, Demon Snow could’ve cut through it too. Atsushi might have gotten through after a few tries, even. But there was no time to find Atsushi, and he didn’t want to risk either of the kids seeing something unsavoury. There was no time to waste. He retrieved his notebook from his pocket.

“-Ability: Doppo Poet! Key!”

After inserting the key and inputting the long password, the door opened automatically. 

“Wait here.”

Tanizaki nodded. Kunikida ran into the expansive room, expecting to be noticed right away. He froze in his tracks. He expected to see Dazai injured, maybe even held hostage. But what he saw was not at all what he was prepared for.

In the middle of the room was an extravagant four poster bed. Dazai lay in the middle of it, stomach down, facing away from Kunikida. His shirt was missing, exposed skin occasionally peaking through the bandages that covered almost all of his back. Kunikida had the basic decency to not look lower than that. He was completely still. Regaining some sense, he quickly checked around himself. Matsudera was nowhere to be found, but a large window was left open. He ran to it and looked outside, but there was not a trace of him. 

He escaped?

Kunikida had other concerns. He rushed over to Dazai, pulling the duvet that was folded at the foot of the bed up to cover his shoulders. Kunikida climbed onto the bed,sitting next to him, noting his lifeless eyes. Kunikida could feel his pulse at his neck. It was the only reassurance he had that Dazai was alive.

“Hey. Dazai,” he said quietly.

Dazai didn’t stir, but his eyes flicked up to meet Kunikida’s. Something like recognition crossed his features as he slowly scooted closer, resting his head on Kunikida’s lap. Kunikida almost froze again. He had never seen Dazai like this. He never expected it to happen. But here he was, and his partner needed something. Very, very hesitantly, Kunikida brought a hand to his hair, gently stroking his scalp. 

They sat together in silence. In his shuffling, the blanket had slid off his shoulders. Kunikida pulled it back onto Dazai. He had a solid guess as to what happened, but didn’t say a word. Either Dazai spoke up on his own, or Kunikida would not ask a single question.

“You don’t have to tell me anything unless you want to, okay? I’m here if you need anything, Dazai. Anything.”

“Anything,” he repeated, a hint of questioning in his tiny voice. Dazai was never quiet. Seeing him like this made Kunikida feel empty, feel angry, but none of that could possibly compare to whatever hell Dazai was experiencing in his mind currently. Kunikida pushed his own emotions down and focused on being calm, trying his best to centre himself.

“Anything. Just say the words.”

“Can you- no. First, can you make the others go?”

He turned his ear piece on. “Tanizaki, mission’s complete. Get everyone and go, I’ll bring Dazai back.”

“The President said we need to evacuate together?”

“I’ll talk to him later myself. Just go.”

“Oh, okay. Understood.”

He turned his ear piece back off then took it off. “They’re gone now.”

Dazai sighed, his body relaxing, visibly moving. “Okay. I…”

Kunikida didn’t pressure him to finish, just continuing his patting and petting Dazai’s hair. They settled into silence again. Minutes bled together, Kunikida lost track of time until he glanced at his watch. 

“Dazai?”

“Hm?”

“The event finishes soon. Let’s go to my house, if you’re okay with that?”

Dazai sat up, wrapping the duvet around him like a cloak. “My clothes are ripped.”

“I don’t have any spare clothes, I’m sorry. Are you okay staying in the comforter? I can carry you and sprint to my car.”

Dazai didn’t laugh, didn’t even grin. He looked at Kunikida devoid of any emotion. “Okay.”

(3)

Dazai sat in the bathtub, a warm bubble bath drawn for him. He didn’t expect Kunikida to have bubble bath on hand. It both soothed and aggravated him. He felt like a child sitting there. Stirring the bubbles, Dazai hugged his knees closer to his chest. He could drown himself with little strain. If he did, he would finally be able to rest, to be at peace in his flesh.

A knock came from the door. “Are you hungry?”

He wouldn’t kill himself in Kunikida’s bathtub. But the thought was soothing.

“Yeah,” he lied. He couldn’t feel any bodily sensation. But he knew Kunikida would make him eat anyways, and he supposed he should eat as well.

Kunikida’s clothes were a little big on Dazai. He was thankful for it, using the long sleeves of the hoodie and turtleneck Kunikida had given him in lieu of bandages. The shorts were a bit uncomfortable, but at least his calves were mostly unmarred. Mostly. Dazai decided to keep himself under a blanket as much as he could. He stepped out of the washroom and went to the living room, immediately wrapping himself up in the throw blanket from the couch. Even wearing so many clothes, he felt naked without his bandages, like someone had skinned him. 

It really had nothing to do with bandages. For all his scrubbing, Dazai would never be able to wash off those hands. No matter what kind of cruelties he subjected himself to, there was no way to restore himself back to who he was before all that happened to him, no way to soothe himself. All Matsudera did was resurface those memories he kept buried, even if he hadn’t done anything himself.

“Here,” Kunikida said, offering him a mug as he sat down next to Dazai. It wasn’t tea, but milk. Dazai took a sip and nearly threw up not at the flavour, but the associations. Hot milk and honey. Mori used to make him this.

Dazai couldn’t finish that train of thought, and wasn't able to either as Kunikida took the mug from his hands, setting it down on a coaster. Startled, he turned to face him. 

“Don’t burn yourself.”

Burn himself? Dazai didn’t understand right away, and the delay in his processing frightened him just as much as realising his hands were shaking. He immediately clenched them to suppress the tremors, but it didn’t help. Then he tried tensing them, holding them together, even digging his nails into his palms. At that point, Kunikida reached out to hold both of his hands, brushing his thumbs over the back of Dazai’s palm. He had turned so he was sitting facing Dazai rather than the table. Dazai’s hands shook nonetheless, but Kunikida didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s okay if you feel uncomfortable. You don’t need to pretend,” Kunikida said, looking at Dazai’s hands carefully, holding them with a delicacy he didn’t deserve. Dazai’s throat constricted as Kunikida turned his hands over, now running his thumbs over the lines on his palms, soothing over the earlier nail marks. His hands were warm, seeping life into Dazai’s cold fingers.

After Dazai’s hands had warmed up thoroughly, he looked up, green eyes soft in a way he rarely saw at work. Kunikida laced his fingers through Dazai’s and used his free hand to push his glasses up as he asked, “Is this okay?”

His throat tightened even more at that. Maybe, he might've been able to keep his feelings down like he always did if today ended with just Matsudera triggering him. But how was he supposed to push it down while Kunikida was being so unfairly nice to him, telling him it was fine to not shove everything down? 

Taking a moment to feel the sensation of their intertwined hands, Dazai unclasped their hands. Before Kunikida could apologise, though, he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Kunikida’s middle and stretching his legs out behind him, settling his face by the dip of Kunikida’s waist.

He missed the blush on Kunikida’s face as it took him a few seconds to understand that Dazai wanted to cuddle, but soon enough, Kunikida rested an arms over Dazai’s back and pulled the blanket over both of them as he reclined, content to leave their drink and meals on the table. The weight of Kunikida’s arm against his back pleased him, it made the comforter feel like a weighted blanket. Dazai hoped Kunikida couldn’t feel the stray tear or two on his pyjamas.

They cuddled like that through the night.

(4)

Circadian rhythms were a curious thing. Even without his alarm clock, Kunikida woke up exactly as he always did- at 4:00. It would’ve been a routine morning except for him falling asleep on his couch, and with Dazai snuggled up with him to boot. That is, he was there when Kunikida fell asleep. Now, however, he was alone. It disoriented him just a little. But, his schedule was made to be adhered to. He got up quickly, double checking the other rooms just in case, then went to shower. 

The cold water woke him up. What if Dazai had done something rash? Sure, Kunikida had been able to calm him down enough to sleep, but that was all last night. There was no telling what went through his mind when he decided to leave in the middle of the night. He flew through the motions of his morning routine, compromising the optimal level of pancreatic function in favour of two cereal bars shoved down his throat

Dazai’s dorm room was the first place to look. He used his ability to make the key. All the lights were off inside and there was no sign of Kunikida’s clothes anywhere in his dorm, meaning he had not stopped by. This was foreseeable, though. Kunikida wasn’t banking on him being here, but he didn’t know where else to look now. It occurred to him that he knew almost nothing about Dazai. Nothing of real value, anyways. If asked about Dazai, three things came to mind immediately: lazy, cunning, and a suicidal maniac. Of course, other things came to mind if he was given a little more time, but at its core, Kunikida knew three extremely superficial and meaningless traits.

Superficial and meaningless, yes, but therein lies the answer he realised as he sprinted out of the dorm building. Because Dazai is Dazai, and that means certain things are a given.

Kunikida ran quickly, not stopping until he saw a familiar pair of legs floating down the river. He dived into the river and pulled a thrashing Dazai out. The bastard tried to drown Kunikida with him, but Dazai was a poor swimmer and undoubtedly the weaker of the two. Kunikida was able to drag him onto the riverbank without much difficulty. Dazai lay flat on his back and glared up at Kunikida who towered over him, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

“ Tch. You ruined my-”

“-Why on earth did you do that?!”

Dazai rolled his eyes, getting up slowly.

“Because I want to die, duh. Did you hit your head or something?”

This should be their usual scene. Dazai’s desensitisation was incredibly effective. Occasionally he just outright announced he was going to drown himself as he left the office and nobody really bat an eye. But this time was different, it was-

“Yesterday, all of that- And then you just casually attempted! What the hell am I supposed to think?” he yelled, grabbing a fistful of Dazai’s hoodie, Kunikida’s hoodie.

“Oh. I was overreacting. But Kunikida-kun, your reaction was soooo funny, you actually ca-”

He cut himself off, probably a little taken aback. Kunikida didn’t care.

“Kunikida-kun, what are you doing?”

“Trying not to strangle you.”

“This feels an awful lot like a hug to me.”

“Shut up.”

Kunikida wished he could kill Dazai himself, sometimes. But he wouldn’t because Dazai would probably thank him as he was dying, so instead, he pulled away from strangling Dazai. His work clothes were now all wet too, and he complained about it aloud only for Dazai to claim it was karma for getting in his way. The sun was rising, traffic slowly getting busier. As they made their way back to the dorms in relative silence, Kunikida spoke up again.

“Dazai?”

“Hm?”

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

“I know,” he said lightly. Kunikida’s gut twisted. He knew perfectly well that Dazai wouldn’t talk to him, but he needed to remind him anyway on the off chance that someday, Dazai would want to open up about anything at all. 

“And my offer still stands. If there’s anything I can do, just ask.”

“I know,” he said just as dismissively as before. Disheartened, but he knew there was really not much else he could do. 

“Kunikida-kun?”

“Yeah?”

Dazai slipped his fingers through Kunikida’s. Kunikida supposed this was good enough, too. 

(5)

Wishful thinking was not his approach to life. Kunikida didn’t see why he expected anything to change. He was a very by-the-book kind of guy, but even still, watching Dazai flop about on the office couch with his headphones in, loudly singing along off-key  as if he didn’t have a breakdown last night was jarring. It made him wonder. Just how many times had Dazai showed up to work pretending all was well? 

He shook his head and returned to his laptop, typing away at the report he would have finished last night under normal circumstances. Now was not the time to pick apart Dazai’s psyche.

Neither of their hours started for another thirty minutes so he couldn’t scold Dazai just yet. That also meant it was just the two of them in the main office space. Fukuzawa was probably in already, but Kunikida decided to wait a little longer so as to not bombard him first thing in the morning. Besides, he was just almost done with the report now. 

“GAHHH I'M HUNGRY!”

Kunikida didn’t acknowledge the outburst. He just continued typing.

“If only someone would feed me……” he whined. Kunikida finally looked up, finished the report. Dazai was rolling around now dramatically and most likely in time with the tune of whatever awful song he was listening to. He knew that he shouldn’t be enabling this kind of behaviour but the truth was, his pancreatic function was important to him. Kunikida needed adequate nutrients to fuel his body to perform at its best. Such were his ideals.

…And he was getting a little hungry. Cereal bars aren’t very filling.

“Let’s get breakfast.”

Dazai jumped up to a seated position, clasping his hands together. “Is this a date? Wow, Kunikida-kun, I’m so flattered!”

Kunikida walked past, removing Dazai’s headphones for him as he did without stopping, hoping the heat he felt in his cheeks wasn’t visible. “Yeah, yeah. Come on now.”

“There’s this crepe spot that Kyouka-chan keeps talking about. Let’s go there!” he said brightly, stepping in stride with Kunikida.

“We’re not having dessert for breakfast. Do you even know what kind of effect it would have on your blood sugar-“

“But I want crepes.”

“Absolutely not. We’re going to Cafe Uzumaki.”

Dazai laced his fingers into Kunikida’s, using his other hand to hold their intertwined hands up to his chest. He leaned into Kunikida’s side and brushed his face up against his side.

What the- 

“Please?”

Kunikida looked down at him and almost had a heart attack for the second time in less than four hours. He met Kunikida’s eyes through his eyelashes, pouting. He looked so sad, like somebody had run over his puppy.  Kunikida was still just reconciling with the idea that Dazai was not-ugly. This was a little too much for him. 

“Fine.”

Forget his pancreas, Dazai was going to kill him if he kept pulling this. He jumped back and straightened his spine out, reassuming a normal stance, but kept their hands together. “Yay! You’re the best!”

They ordered a crepe each. Dazai ended up eating half of Kunikida’s crepe on top of his own. Kunikida reflexively yelled at him, but didn’t really care too much. After picking some up for their coworkers, they returned to the Agency. Five minutes late. Kunikida almost had yet another heart attack.

(6)

Fukuzawa’s office was familiar to Kunikida by now. Being a part of the Agency for this long meant he was not intimidated by his boss anymore. Of course, he still had endless respect for Fukuzawa. Skilled swordsman and and the director of the strongest group of ability users. But the effect was a little lost on him as Kunikida walked into the private office just as Fukuzawa’s phone rang.

A cat meowing ringtone?

He did his best not to lose composure as he sat down at the desk. Fukuzawa didn’t seem to mind that his employee heard his, objectively speaking, childish ringtone and answered it. After a moment, he turned the speaker setting on and set it down on the desk between them. Fukuzawa didn’t elaborate. Kunikida tried his best to take it in stride.

“Kunikida? You listening?”

“Yes. What’s the matter?”

“It’s about the mission. You got Dazai outta there, but didn’t recover the hard drive.”

Kunikida swallowed. It’s true, but it stung just the same. The hard drive was the least of his concerns even if it was so important. At the time, his focus was just on ensuring his partner’s safety.

“You’re pretty lucky to have me to do your clean up work. A genius like me shouldn’t ever have to do field work. My feet hurt now.”

“You got it? How?”

“Ah, Dazai didn’t tell you, did he?”

He blanked. Dazai had been nearly unresponsive when Kunikida first got there. Kunikida had assumed the mission was a failure, but… 

“Poor Kunikida. I’ll fill you in. Dazai managed to put a tracker on Matsudera. Quite the spot he picked to do it, but I bagged him. I’m driving to the station now.”

Fukuzawa’s voice strained. “You’re driving alone?”

It took Kunikida a moment to catch on. “Ranpo-san, please pull over. I’ll come pick you up.”

“Why? I don’t want to wait.”

“I’ll be fast, Ranpo-san. So please.”

“No way, that’ll take too long”

Mutual exasperation passed between the two of them before Fukuzawa leaned over the desk and spoke into it, seemingly not quite understanding how speaker mode works. “Pull over. Kunikida will come get you.”

Kunikida heard tires screeching against asphalt and then what sounded like people screaming in the background. 

“...Fine.”

Ranpo cut the line, probably fuming inside the car. Kunikida didn’t have time to worry about his feelings. Even his poor driving wasn’t the biggest concern. Handcuffed or not, Matsudera was still a dangerous criminal. Leaving Ranpo alone with him in a confined space for long wasn’t wise even if Kenji’s noodles were still in his system. That being said, however, it gave him some time. He still needed to speak to Fukuzawa about yesterday.

Kunikida squared his shoulders out and looked him in the eye. 

“President, I’m sorry about my performance yesterday. I know I almost compromised the mission. But, Dazai was….”

How does one describe that? Especially without saying too much about something so private? Kunikida wasn’t completely sure on the details, either. He fumbled his words for a moment. Fukuzawa waited patiently, unfazed by the silence. Why had he reacted the way he did last night anyway? Sure, he would’ve reacted just the same for any of his coworkers should they have been in that position. But that didn’t account for how he ignored the mission and more importantly, compromised the safety of so many. After ensuring Dazai was alive and unharmed, he should’ve pursued the criminal, should’ve called Tanizaki in to take Dazai back to the Agency. But Kunikida hadn’t done what he should have done according to his ideals. 

Even earlier that morning, he had skirted around the edge of the routine written in his notebook when he went searching for Dazai in a frenzy. Nowhere in his ideal had the code of conduct for a suicidal and depressed coworker. 

“I couldn’t assure Dazai’s safety last night. It became my priority over the mission because I was worried.”

Fukuzawa stared at him without so much as a word, and while he was comfortable in long pauses in conversation, Kunikida wasn’t. “And I think I…”

He took a deep breath in. Irrationality and heart palpitations weren’t a good sign. “I think I’ll get a check-up done today.”

Finally, Fukuzawa nodded. “You handled a tough situation well. Good work, Kunikida.”

Looking at the shikyuu bow award that rested on display in the room, the praise weighed strangely on his shoulders. Kunikida bowed before he left. He didn’t deserve kind words when he had fumbled it. He really hoped Yosano would still be in-office by the time he finished today’s work.

(7)

“Come on, kid. We need to go pick up Ranpo-san.”

Atsushi looked up from his paperwork. It was refreshing to see at least one person put some effort into their job, but the pride withered away if he turned his head just a little, revealing Dazai who was playing some game with Kenji. 

“But I’m not done yet…”

“Do it when you get back. Grab the spare keys, I’m going on ahead.”

He blinked up blankly for a second before he smiled sheepishly. “Oh yeah, about that. I don’t know how to drive.”

Kunikida sometimes forgot about Atsushi’s upbringing and then his hectic time with the Agency. He supposed Atsushi never got around to it, but it was still a little odd. Atsushi was an adult, he shouldn’t be so incompetent. Even Ranpo, as directionally challenged as he was, could drive. Somewhat, at least. But that left nobody else who could drive the second car back. If Kunkida took a car to meet Ranpo, that would leave two cars and only one driver. So, he needed to take another driver with him. 

“Where’s Tanizaki?”

Kenji looked up from his cards. “He’s running errands for the President!”

“How about Yosano-sensei?”

“I think she’s in the medical wing?”

Kunikida nodded at the boy and was about to head over to the medical wing when Kyouka spoke up. “I can go.”

Kunikida sometimes forgot about Kyouka’s upbringing, too. The Agency detectives were all a little strange, but if he thought about it too hard, nobody was normal. Not a single one.

“No. That’s illegal.”

Kyouka just looked at him, as if to say she couldn’t care less about minor laws such as that. He sighed, then tried to walk away again. This time, it was Dazai.

“I’ll go! I’m a great driver! Remember, Kunikida-kun?”

“Don’t remind me. And you’re just trying to slack off!”

He did indeed remember the time he almost got into a car crash. Needless to say, it wasn’t a very fond memory. But what was more interesting about Dazai’s offer was what they both knew- Dazai wouldn’t want to go. An Agency member would go to arrest Matsudera, that much was Dazai’s plan. So, he probably guessed that picking Ranpo up entailed that Ranpo was the one who had gone. Why was he offering to see someone that put him through so much distress if both of them knew he didn’t want to?

“I’m wounded. I would do no such thing,” he said before promptly returning to his card game. 

Kunikida reigned in the lecture about to spill from his lips and went off in search of the only other possible driver. Yosano sat at her desk facing away from the door in the far corner of the clinic, looking over her shoulder when the door opened.

“What is it?” 

He explained the situation to her, understanding why Dazai made a show of offering to help out when Yosano asked why he didn’t make Dazai go. It was so that if anyone were to think a little too hard about it as Yosano did, the answer of Dazai wanting to slack off and Kunikida having none of it would work seamlessly. Dazai even added his horrendous driving so Kunikida’s disapproval had an additional layer of believability.

All that just so nobody suspected anything?

They walked to the parking lot behind the Agency. Yosano brought along the case file of a murder case, something about not wanting to be bored. As they got into the car, Kunikida remembered to ask. “Also, can I schedule a check-up for today?”

Yosano opened the envelope, looking at grisly forensic evidence with a bored expression on her face as she propped an elbow on the window and leaned her cheek into her palm. The wind rattled her hair and made Kunikida’s ribbon flutter against his vest. Kunikida focused more seriously on the road as they got on the highway. Ranpo wasn’t too far, but driving local would double the length of the short trip.

“What for?”

“I haven’t been thinking very clearly recently.”

“I probably don’t need to ask you since it’s you of all people, but have you been sleeping and eating right? No sudden life changes?”

“Yes. Everything’s the same.”

“Hmm. That’s strange. With your lifestyle, brain fog is out of the question,” she trailed off, still casually going through the case file. “Any other symptoms?”

Kunikida almost forgot the more concerning one. “I feel like my heart is going to stop working sometimes, too.”

That caught Yosano’s attention. She turned to look at Kunikida. “When does it do that?”

“When…. I’m surprised or irritated, or confused.”

“...You’re gonna have to be more specific than that.”

Sighing, he tried to calm down a little. Yosano was his doctor and he shouldn’t feel embarrassed to say this to her. But he had a very strong gut feeling he would get teased if he outright said that Dazai made him feel like he was going to die. Kunikida stared pointedly at the road ahead of him as he collected his thoughts.

“Patient-doctor confidentiality applies here, right?”

Yosano put the photos away. Kunikida could feel her eyes bore into him. “Of course.”

“Okay. I just.. Sometimes, Dazai, he says and does certain things. And it makes me want to strangle him, but it also makes me, y’know, feel like both my heart and brain stop working for a little.”

For a few seconds, she didn’t say anything. 

“...You’re… not joking?”

Kunikida frowned. “I’m being serious.”

She laughed, putting her gloved hand up to block her mouth as she did. Kunikida had a feeling he’d get mocked, but he still didn’t understand why. “Don’t worry, Kunikida. You’re perfectly healthy.”

“But then why do I feel like this?”

“A lifetime of repression will do that to you. Just give it time.”

Although that last sentence made no sense to him, he trusted Yosano’s judgement in that he was healthy. He was just as confused as before, but Kunikida couldn’t press her for further clarification. They had reached Ranpo on the side of an empty road, sitting on the hood of the Agency car. Kunikida was about to go and switch over to the other car, but Yosano beat him to it, doubling around to Kunikida’s window.

“You take this one back. Ranpo-san might give the answer away if you’re with him now.”

“Wha-”

(8)

Kunikida was throwing the trash out. Normally, this was a janitor’s job, but the bin was already full. It would reek if it was left out any longer. So, he tied the bag and went outside to the back of the building. His legs needed a quick stretch and his brain needed a breather, anyway after that car ride and then Ranpo insisted on buying food at a burger drive-thru. The sun was setting, getting in his eyes as he stepped out. It was empty out back, surprisingly. Someone was feeding the neighbourhood strays and Kunikida had his doubts after hearing Fukuzawa’s ringtone. He couldn’t exactly tell his boss to stop feeding them, though.

He threw the garbage into the dumpster but before he could turn back… 

“Ow! What was that for?!”

If the lazy piece of shit was gonna slack off couldn’t he have spent his time doing anything else? Was sleeping in the company dumpster really that much better than attending a simple briefing? Atsushi had even apologized on his behalf, saying Dazai claimed to have a stomach ache before running out shortly after his card game had ended.  He didn’t even have to see the culprit’s face to know exactly who it was. That damn voice was enough. Kunikida put his feet on the bottom rail of the dumpster and planted his hands on the ledge. Thanks to his height, all he had to do to see inside was lean over the edge.

“Why are you in there?!”

Dazai scrunched his face. He was laying on his back with his hands cushioning his head, almost like he was rocking in a hammock. “Why not? Trash is very comfortable and sleeping on it is proven to reduce stress. You should try it some time.”

“Stop lying for fun. Get out and do your work.”

“I’ll pass. Do me a favour and close the lid before you go. It’s kind of annoying getting woken up by flying bags of trash.” 

That irked Kunikida.

“You’re sleeping in a dumpster, of course people are gonna throw their trash out here!”

Dazai rolled his eyes, then rolled over onto his side facing away from Kunikida. “Whatever. Just close the lid and go. I need my beauty sleep.”

“You’re tired?”

“I’ll talk to you later all you want. Good night.”

Kunikida scoffed. “That’s what happens when you wake up that early to drown yourself.”

“I get it, I really do, so just close the lid and let me sleep now, okay? I’ll put myself in time out later or Kunikida-kun can choke me until he’s sure I’ve learned my lesson.”

Well, it was a tempting offer. A human can only handle so much pent-up frustration before lashing out. But Kunikida was not that petty, nor was he just going to allow Dazai to sleep in a dumpster during work.

“Get up, Dazai. You’re not sleeping in there. It’s unhygienic.”

“Nuh-uh. Standing up is too much work.”

“Fine.”

If he insisted on sleeping, then Kunikida could compromise. He jumped over the dumpster using his arms on the ledge to pivot, then picked Dazai up in his arms bridal-style. Dazai gave a little groan, but didn’t resist. Then, Kunikida squatted low to generate enough spring to jump back onto the ledge, before jumping back to the ground.

“Could you be more careful? I’m trying to sleep here.”

A vein popped in his forehead, but he adjusted Dazai a little closer to him so he could lean his head on Kunikida’s chest nonetheless. After Dazai took the invitation, Kunikida could see his face a little better. His eye bags were deep and his skin was bordering a sickly complexion. It was mostly to scold Dazai for his actions before, but really, why did he wake up before sunrise to drown himself? For someone so lazy, waking up that early should’ve been out of the question.  Before he knew it, he had  walked a few blocks over to the dorm

building. He managed to open the lobby door without jostling Dazai too much but he woke up before he could open the inner door to the first floor, though

“I like your blankets better.”

“You reek, I’m not letting you into my dorm. I’m taking you to yours.”

“Take me back to the dumpster then,” Dazai said childishly, eyes still closed.

“Isn’t your futon better than a garbage pile?”

“I don’t wanna go there.”

Kunikida sighed. “Why not?”

“ ‘Cuz your blankets smell nice and they’re soft. Plus they’re thick. I only have one and it’s too thin.”

“God, what a princess,” he gave in, backtracking to the elevator to reach Kunikida’s floor. He suspected there was a little more to it than just what Dazai was letting on. This was Dazai, after all. But he didn’t press any harder in keeping with his promise. 

“You know you love me!”

“I don’t.”

He quickly reached his apartment and carefully lowered Dazai onto the couch. Kunikida then draped the same blanket from last night over him up to his shoulders. It pained him to dirty his bedding like this, but seeing Dazai sleeping peacefully indoors was a good compromise. The blankets were about due for a wash regardless. Kunikida was a little confused what Dazai meant by them smelling good, they probably just smelled like his home. Assuming nose blindness, Kunikida fluffed out a pillow and put it underneath Dazai’s head before heading back to the door. Dazai was sound asleep and Kunikida still had some work to finish.

The lock had barely clicked open before-

“Wait!”

Kunikida turned his head to look at Dazai over his shoulder. “What?”

Arms stretched out outside the blanket, eyes a little heavy with fatigue, and lips pressed into a thin pout, Dazai reached out to Kunikida sleepily. “Stay with me?”

Dazai was never one to be so direct, either. It made Kunikida consider indulging his whim but there was some paperwork he needed to file back at the office. Plus, he also looked not-ugly again, almost cut- 

No, Doppo. Don’t go there.

“I have to finish my work.”

Dazai stuck his tongue out at Kunikida and then rolled to his side to pointedly stare at the backrest. 

“...But I’ll stay. I can finish it up tomorrow morning.”

Hearing himself say that shocked Kunikida. Why leave tomorrow what he could do today? And while he was at it, he might as well schedule his time to optimise his precious time in pursuit of his ideal self. That was his usual reasoning, but he supposed one evening wouldn’t derail his five year plan, much less his ten year plan or twenty year plan. 

Hopefully.

“Do you want dinner?”

Dazai groaned and pulled the blanket tighter around himself. “Not hungry.”

If he was surprised by Kunikida’s decision, Dazai didn’t let on at all. He did start complaining when Kunikida went into the kitchen to chop vegetables up for a quick stir fry though. Apparently, it was too loud for his evening nap. Kunikida was still hungry, but being courteous, grabbed his third cereal bar of the day and went back into the living room. Hopefully, Dazai would eventually fall into a deep enough sleep that Kunikida could whip up a nutritious meal. He was already pretty quiet, so maybe Kunikida just had to wait it out. But where? Dazai was taking up the only couch in the apartment. At least he was asleep somewhere sanitary. And if he was being uncomfortably honest with himself, Kunikida was glad he could make sure Dazai was doing okay, too.

He settled on the floor in front of the couch, leaning his lower back against the middle of the couch. Cereal bars were getting old really fast, but he needed the protein. Crepes for breakfast followed by greasy burgers that Ranpo insisted on the three of them buying on their way to the police station…It was a pancreatic nightmare. Kunikida managed to force his lips apart just enough to take a bite of the damned thing. After forcing the entire bar down, he remembered he was wearing his work clothes still.

Kunikida went into his bedroom and changed into his pyjamas, a simple tee shirt and sweatpants. It felt a bit odd to be wearing them so early. Normally, he put them on just before bed. But it was nearly a full two hours until nine, his scheduled bedtime. 

Free time was something Kunikida tried to avoid. Precious time is easily wasted if a plan is not made. Be it exercise, cooking, cleaning, errands, work, or really any mundane event- Kunikida meticulously planned it out beforehand. He wasn’t supposed to be home for another hour, and in that hour, he was supposed to make and eat dinner, then sleep.

What the hell was he supposed to do now?

Awkward in a way completely unbefitting of a man like him, Kunikida went back to his living room. It was only now setting in how odd it was for him to have found a coworker in a dumpster, scoop him out, then bring him back to his home. It was somehow worse that it was Dazai of all people, too. Seeing him sleeping so peacefully eased Kunikida’s jitters enough to sit back down where he had before.

Kunikida’s notebook was just on his coffee table. He ran his fingers over the cover. It had been a confusing twenty four hours between Dazai and even himself. Yosano’s words still made no sense. A lifetime of repression? Well, he did have an asthmatic episode once as a child. And while kids can grow out of asthma and such, it’s not something he could’ve repressed. He took a deep breath out, centring himself as best as he could by focusing on the feeling of the cover inscription against the pads of his fingers before opening it.

Clicking a pen from the table, Kunikida did what he did best. Writing always calmed him down. It was the only way he knew how to regulate himself, or even organize his more confusing thoughts. He did it slowly, really taking his sweet time. A friend of his once said that he couldn’t imagine Kunikida without his notebook, that it would be like taking someone’s beating heart. Kunikida had bit back by saying the same for that friend's futon. He smiled at the memory, quickly flipping to his schedule page to pencil in a reminder to go visit Katai soon. Then, he returned to the page he had nearly filled with text. Just seeing his dilemma clearly articulated was already giving him some relief. So, he closed the notebook, but before he could set it back down, an arm slinked over his shoulder from behind and snatched his notebook , and an accompanying opposite hand covered his eyes. Dazai’s swatting hand made Kunikida’s glasses fall into his lap.

Kunikida lashed out, trying to get his notebook back from the thief. “Keep moving and I’ll spit on it!”

He stilled immediately. “Give. It. Back.”

Dazai rested his weight even more on Kunikida’s left shoulder as he used his free hand to hold the notebook up, propped up on Kunikida’s right shoulder. Kunikida could probably throw him across the room before Dazai even understood what was happening even if his eyes were covered, but then Dazai might even eat his notebook. He wouldn’t put it past the piece of shit.

“Why would I pass up a chance to read your diary? Oh? You wrote about me ? I’m so flattered~”

“It’s not a diary!” 

That was the only part he could refute. 

“Really? But you wrote about your day and- Kunikida-kun felt like he was about to have a heart attack because of me? Three times?!”

 Kunikida really wished he had at least one by now.

“You should probably talk to- Oh, you did. And she said that?? I wonder why- Oh.”

“Stop reading that! Just give it back!”

His chest felt tight again. But it was different from the last three. Kunikida felt dread in his gust like he had never felt before, it twisted his stomach and made his breathing erratic. He could feel his heartbeat and it was going way too fast. His eyes were still covered, but Kunikida felt Dazai wrap his other arm around Kunikida more and tighter, before he felt something warm and a bit damp press into the crook of his neck for a second. Doing a 180°, his heart completely stopped. At least it felt like that. 

Did this piece of shit spit on my neck?!

Confused and still very worried for his precious notebook, he mechanically put his glasses back on. That couldn’t have been spit. For all the lingering sensation, Kunikida could hardly feel any wetness on his neck. Even to begin with there was not much wetness when it happened. But if not spit, then what was it? He sat there for a while and stared at nothing in particular. He wasn’t sure what Dazai was doing behind him that he was being so quiet, and couldn’t bring himself to wonder about it for more than a second. Eventually, Kunikida stood up and turned around.

Dazai was sitting cross legged in the middle of the couch, having taken his coat off at some point.  “You look like you've seen a ghost.”

His tone was light, as if he was telling Kunikida another of his lame jokes, but the cadence was wrong, something about it too strained. Kunikida forced himself to speak his mind though. He couldn’t willfully ignore what happened, what he was learning about himself. 

Voice dropping, Dazai looked a little more serious. “I’m sorry if that was -”

Kunikida turned away, going to the kitchen. “Are you staying for dinner?

Kunikida wouldn’t ignore it, but it was still embarrassing. He really hoped his tactic of hiding his probably red face by looking anywhere but Dazai was working. 

Before he could even start to lower the knife into his long neglected carrots, Kunikida felt arms wrap around his waist as Dazai settled his chin into the crook of his neck. The thought of him having to tippy-toe to reach him made something in Kunikida’s chest squeeze. This time, he was sure it wasn’t a heart attack.

“Whatcha making?”

“Vegetable stir fry. I made this recipe to maximize nutrie--”

“Vegetables??”

“...Yes?”

Dazai whined into Kunikida’s neck, the vibrations making his gut flip. “Why can’t we eat something tastier? Like crab! I want crab!”

“Then go eat somewhere else. I’m fine eating on my own.”

He focused more on his chopping, trying to ignore the sixty seven kilograms leaning on him. Dazai went silent for a few seconds. “I’ll eat your vegetables so you don’t have to eat all alone in your little apartment.”

“My apartment is the exact same size as yours!”

“ Hmmmm… Maybe. Well, since it’s Kunikida-kun cooking, it’ll be tasty. I guess I’ll stay,” Dazai finished simply, hugging Kunikida a little tighter. It made his face feel hot, but more importantly, made him remember something.

“Get off me! You stink!”

Dazai just hugged him tighter, to which Kunikida half heartedly threw Dazai back into the living room. “I have spare clothes and bandages for you under the bathroom sink. Go shower.”

“So mean…”

A lifetime of repression, huh? Kunikida could get used to this. 

(9)

“Don’t tell me….”

Kunikida looked over his shoulder at Dazai who crouched over and searched through Kunikida’s freezer. His face was aghast. “Hm?”

“...You don’t have any ice cream!”

“I don’t.”

Dazai fell to the floor and clutched his chest, lamenting about the ‘crushing despair he felt at the lack of dessert.’  Kunikida returned his attention back to the dishes that needed to be washed. “Do you want to go buy some?”

He jumped back to his feet, turnin to lean over the kitchen counter so he could look at Kunikida. Kunikida chose not to properly look at his face so he could finish up with the dishes. “Really? You’re not gonna kick me out?!”

“Why would I?”

“Kunikida-kun from two days ago would have thrown me into the hallway and told me to go home and eat my own ice cream,” he said matter-of-factly.

“People change,” Kunikida finished as he turned the sink off. Dazai handed him a towel to dry his hands on, and when he looked at his eyes to thank him, he couldn’t miss the strange look on Dazai’s face. It was gone before Kunikida could understand exactly the type of expression it was, though.

“It’s your treat. I’m broke.”

“We got paid today. How did you spend your entire cheque that fast?”

Dazai answered with a stupid smile. “Taking women out to dinner puts me in a whole lot of debt.” He reached his hand out to Kunikida and continued, “No more of that though.”

Kunikida took his hand as they stepped out. “Yeah.”

Evenings were never freezing but a bit of a chill bit his exposed arms. Kunikida felt awkward going outside in his pyjamas, even if his pyjamas were casual clothes. It was a quiet night. Almost too quiet, Dazai was perfectly silent next to him. When Kunikida looked over at him, he saw Dazai looking ahead, eyes unfocused. Although his face was relaxed, he looked troubled.  Probably feeling himself being watched after a little while, Dazai turned to look at him, and just like that, his eyes reverted and a small smirk graced his lips. The movement made Kunikida realise how little space there was in between them. 

“Dazai?”

“Yes?”

“Can you be honest with me?”

“Of course. I’m always honest with you, all the time!”

Kunikida sighed. “Dazai, I’m being serious.”

“Then no, I can’t guarantee it.”

Any other answer would’ve made him drop the subject, but seeing as how that was the most honest answer Dazai could’ve possibly given him, Kunikida pressed forward.

“What were you thinking about just now?”

Dazai didn’t say anything for a moment. “Can I ask why you want to know, first?” he asked, and at Kunikida’s frown he added, “I promise I’ll answer you after.”

The answer was so obvious, Kunikida didn’t understand why someone as smart as Dazai needed to ask to know in the first place. It wasn’t as if Kunikida was trying to be discreet about this, either. But Dazai was looking at him still, quietly waiting for an answer with a patience Kunikida rarely saw from him, a confusion Kunikida never saw from him before.

“Because I care about you, Dazai. I don’t want you to think you’re alone.”

It should’ve been obvious, but it made Dazai blink twice before responding, and for as long as Kunikida had known Dazai, never had he taken that long to respond to someone. 

Never.

“Oh. Okay,” he said, before turning his head back to face ahead. Kunikida let him dodge his earlier question for the time being. It wasn’t a good idea to overwhelm Dazai, he thought.

They continued walking in silence all the way until they reached the ice cream shop. By then, the sky was completely dark and the shop would be closing soon. Kunikida ordered for both of them as Dazai was still silent, hoping a sundae for them to share would be fine. Then, he guided them to a nearby park. The kids who usually played here were gone, leaving just them two on a park bench by a pond. 

Just as he unwrapped the spoon from its plastic wrapper and set the sundae down on his lap, Dazai spoke up from next to him, words quiet and slow.

“Why do you care about me?”

A loaded question that he was struggling with himself earlier. But Kunikida had worked it out, so his answer came naturally. There was nothing his ideals couldn’t solve if Kunikida tried hard enough. He looked over at Dazai, who was watching the pond in front of them very carefully.  Then, he reached a hand around Dazai to hold his chin and kissed his cheek.

Dazai’s cheeks turned pink. Kunikida let go of his face, a little embarrassed himself. Dazai immediately raised his hands to hold both sides of his face, turning to look at Kunikida with wide eyes.

“You- mmmmhhh -”

Kunikida shoved a spoonful of vanilla ice cream into his mouth mid sentence, hoping to distract Dazai from his face that was probably just as flushed as Dazai’s, but Dazai swallowed all that ice cream in one gulp and continued.

“-Like me?”

Kunikida tried to shove another spoonful into his mouth but Dazai just knocked the spoon out of his hand. Kunikida realised there was no more use in trying to hide his reactions anymore, so, in a surge of confidence he could never recreate again, he leaned forward and held Dazai’s face again, using his free hand to grab hold of Dazai's swatting hand. The motion forced Dazai to lean back.

“I do. A lot.”

Dazai’s face turned a lovely shade of red. It was worth doing something so embarrassing if it caught Dazai off guard like that, Kunikida decided as he let go and sat back. Dazai collapsed off the bench, his back hitting the grass with a soft thud. Kunikida whipped his head around to see if Dazai was fine. He had his hands completely covering his face, kicking his feet and rolling around like a teenager. It would’ve been amusing except Dazai was not a teenager, but a grown man. Regardless, Kunikida watched him fondly for all of three seconds before his primal instincts kicked in and he picked Dazai up off the ground bridal-style.

“Be a little more aware! Spinal injuries are extremely dangerous! And you could get all sorts of rashes from rolling in the dirt!”

Dazai smiled up at him as he wrapped his arms around Kunikida’s shoulders. “I like you too.”

That cut off the rest of the impending lecture. The ice cream had fallen to the ground when he got up in a rush, but Kunikida couldn’t find it in him to care right now. He left, still carrying Dazai who claimed his back hurt too much to walk. Kunikida knew it was bullshit but let himself be swept up in the lie. A small part of him liked to indulge Dazai. Kunikida walked slowly, taking in the night air now that he felt less cold with Dazai’s body heat. It really was a beautiful night. 

When Kunikida began walking up the stairs to his dorm rather than Dazai’s first floor dorm, he saw Dazai smile.

 (10)

They had settled onto Kunikida’s living room floor. His bed was big enough for the both of them but Dazai insisted on a pillow fort, specifically insisting on using every blanket in the apartment. So, they ended up moving the coffee table, dragging his mattress into the living room, and covering it in pillows and far too many blankets. Then, Dazai irritated Kunikida about wanting snacks so Kunikida took his sole bag of chips from the cupboard. He remembered Aya had given it to him one day after Kunikida had said he didn’t particularly enjoy chips. It confused him then, but it came in useful now.

Passing the bag to Dazai, he untied his hair and removed his glasses, safely putting them away in their case. He then laid down flat on his back next to Dazai who was on his stomach with his head propped up on his hands, elbows digging into the mattress to hold himself up as he ate chips. Kunikida pulled one of the blankets neatly up to his shoulders and closed his eyes. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight??? It’s 9!”

“9:02, actually.”

Kunikida felt something poke his cheek repeatedly. He reached out and seized it, crushing an entire finger in his fist. Then, he opened his eyes and glared at Dazai.

“Owwwww! That hurts!”

“Good.”

Then, he rolled onto his side to face away from the annoyance.

 “What did I do to deserve this treatment…” 

Kunikida had to bite back his answer of telling Dazai to check page sixty four. He had a detailed record of his grievances with his partner but he didn’t want to give Dazai anymore access to his notebook after today. Dazai began whining about wanting to play sleepover games with Kunikida. More than willing to tune him out, he closed his eyes again and thought about his schedule for the next day. Teaching Atsushi combat skills, then his routine morning paperwork, followed by-

“-Kunikida-kun is so harsh on me, and himself…”

Kunikida rolled back around. Dazai was also on his side so that they were facing each other, chip bag thrown on the floor somewhere. 

“Why did something like that get your attention more than Truth or Drink?”

“I’m not harsh on you. I just expect my partner to do his work.”

“Let’s ignore that flawed point for now, but what about yourself?”

“I’m not harsh on myself either.”

“Really? You don’t beat yourself up for things out of your control?”

From this close, he didn’t need his glasses to see Dazai’s dramatic frown. What was he so insistent about? Although Kunikida had big visions for the future, he was practical in his execution. He knew not to take on more than he could handle, knew that some things were simply out of his hand. Kunikida knew perfectly well to focus on what was in front of him, and only that.He didn’t make mistakes either. Everything from eating to shopping to exercising to working- all of it was done according to his ideals. There was simply no room for error.

“Of course not.”

“What about the Cannibalism incident?”

“I….”

Kunikida had witnessed a child kill herself with a bomb. At that moment, he understood the disconnect between his ideal world and the real world. He can strive to be his best version of himself, offer himself to shoulder the burden of those in need to make the world a better place, for the direct sake of his ideal world. But he is just one man. Things don’t slip through the cracks, they fall in landslides around him all the time. Kunikida knows better than to attempt to fix, save, and help everything all at once. It’s unrealistic to do that. But if he can’t even save that which is before his eyes, just what is he running towards? Even still, that is not a good enough reason to give up. However, if an incident such as that repeated itself, he might….

“That wasn’t out of my control. She…. It happened right in front of my eyes…”

Dazai frowned, reaching a hand out to poke Kunikida’s cheek repeatedly. “Stop that.”

“Stop what? You stop that,” he said. Kunikida didn’t move to stop him though. His thoughts kept going back to that girl. If it was anyone else but him at the time, she would still be alive. Kunikida could’ve gotten her and every other child there in child services. She could’ve had a future.

“Stop blaming yourself. You know it’s not your fault.”

His cheek was still being poked.

“But I-”

Dazai then held Kunikida’s cheek. The mirth in his eyes had vanished without a trace. 

“I said stop that. Nothing any of us could’ve done would have saved her. Even if she survived then, she would’ve died just as unfortunately another day.”

“Just because she was living a life like that, it’s okay to let kids die? How can you say that?”

“Kids like her don’t get saved. How many like her do you think die everyday? You can’t save them all. Nobody can. It’s just another cruel truth.”

Kunikida didn’t have the words to respond. Dazai’s criticism was correct. Of course he was. But he just couldn’t accept it as simply as his partner did. Dazai was staring at him with the same expression. He felt unbearably cold all of a sudden, like someone had taken a piece of his soul. 

“I’m not saying this because I want you to suffer. But you need to understand that as long as you hold yourself and the world to your ideals, you will see your life as nothing but a means to advance your vision. I have a bad feeling about what’s to come, Cannibalism can’t be the end of his plans. I’ll have to start my own countermeasures soon. So, I need you to promise me something.”

“Countermeasures? Dazai what–”

“Don’t worry about that. Just promise me you’ll keep yourself alive.”

Kunikida stared at Dazai for a moment. Dazai wouldn’t reveal his plans, even saying this much as a forewarning was a lot. He was the type to move in silence and leave his teammates in the dark until the last possible moment so he could execute his plan flawlessly. It was unnerving to no end for someone as meticulous as Kunikida but he trusted his partner despite Dazai giving him every reason not to, trusted Dazai even when he was in the dark. He always had.

“I promise.”

Dazai smiled, eyes softening.

Kunikida leaned his neck forward to touch his forehead to Dazai’s. Both of them had closed their eyes. “You promise me too, Dazai. That you’ll come to me for help.”

“...I’ll try.”

“Thank you.”

(11)

Kunikida woke up in the same position. Only difference was Dazai had thrown an arm and a leg over Kunikida, firmly holding him. It wasn’t difficult for Kunikida to shrug off his limbs, though. Dazai was still sound asleep. Some of his bangs were covering his eyes and there and his lips were parted a little. He should’ve looked unkempt but Kunikida found something about the whole scene oddly endearing and chose to stare a little longer.

After finishing his morning routine, Kunikida made natto for breakfast and ate it. He set aside a bowl for Dazai then put his shoes on. Just as he was about to leave, Dazai stirred.

“Hey, Kunikida-kun. Pick a number.”

“A number? For what?”

“Just piiiick.”

“Nine, for the number of seconds I’ve wasted this morning on you.”

“But I didn’t even do anything!”

“Whatever. There’s food for you on the counter. I’ll see you at the Agency.”

Kunikida left. He had to meet with Atsushi soon. On his way, he checked his work email on his phone. Fukuzawa had forwarded a case file to all the detectives. Something about yet another request from the government regarding a string of gruesome murders. He skimmed it quickly out of curiosity. However, the first order of business was training Atsushi so he put his phone away. It would be a busy day. Kunikida hoped Dazai wouldn’t come in to work too late today.

…

Still laying on the mattress, Dazai stared at the ceiling. He smiled thinly as if recalling an old, bitter joke. “At the Agency… huh?”