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Being Hokage is nothing like he expected it to be but then Sasuke never really thought about what it would be like or expected it would become his life at all, if he’s honest. It’s a mantle he’d taken up because he felt he had no choice, like so many others.
He looks out at the grim landscape outside the large window of the office the most legendary shinobi of Konoha had sat in before him. Once lush and full of life, the village is subdued; most of it still boarded up after Pein’s attack and the war. Sasuke looks out at the countless piles of rubble among sparse trees, like ant hills popping up on a sidewalk and outnumbering blades of grass struggling to peek through.
There is no life here, not in the truest sense anyway.
Normally, he wouldn’t be so alone in this. He would have counsel, he would have staff, a whole machine working to run the village, pulleys and gears in a system. All parts of a larger apparatus.
Normally, he’d be leading something. Sasuke’s always been a leader, in one way or another.
Now though, he is far from leading anything. Perhaps he’s leading the village to its demise after all, an outcome he isn’t sure he is against. He hadn’t wanted Itachi’s sacrifice to be in vain, but what can he do when there is so little worth saving anymore?
“Sasuke,” a voice says to his left, “You should go home for the day.”
Kakashi sounds as he always does - carefully neutral, like he’s walking through a minefield. Sasuke wants to tell him he won’t hurt him ever again, he can’t , but they both know that and it won’t do anything but make him look weak.
He can’t afford to look weak, no matter who it’s in front of. Even if that person is his quasi-shadow, unwilling though he may be.
Some days he wonders if Naruto would have been the easier choice but he doesn’t have it in him to look Naruto in the eyes any longer, the shame of taking his dream from him is too hard to ignore. He’d done what was necessary, not something he’d relished in. Perhaps Naruto would see that now.
“Sasuke?”
He finally turns to acknowledge Kakashi, leaning against the door with his arms crossed. He hasn’t changed, Sasuke thinks with some measure of fondness. Still in his jounin uniform, looking every bit as he did that first day they’d met in the classroom of a school that no longer exists.
He walks out the door brushing by Kakashi as he goes.
“Let’s go, but I want to make a stop first.”
***
Naruto’s grave is out of the way, a spot near the edge of the Naka River not quite on Uchiha lands but not far off. Sasuke thinks the clearing by the lush wilderness surrounding the village suits Naruto, someone who’d loved Konoha’s forests and the adventure once found within it. The friendly croaking of frogs and the homey smell of wood makes it feel less lonely. Naruto would have liked that, he thinks.
He hopes it’s the thought that counts.
He also thinks the rest of the village doesn’t deserve Naruto, doesn’t deserve to pray and make vigil by his decaying corpse when most were only too glad to pray for his demise not long ago.
He kneels by the simple marker, a narrow vertical slab of smooth grey stone marked only by the Uzumaki swirl and reading simply Naruto. Kakashi’s handiwork, of course. One of the first things Sasuke had him do. Kakashi remains behind him, giving him his space. He knows Kakashi visits the grave himself at times and he feels a slight guilt at contributing to the ever growing list of tombs his sensei pays homage to.
Sasuke doesn’t pray, he won’t bend to any higher authority when it does little to ease calamity. Instead he looks at the stone, traces the neat lettering, and remembers. He remembers the boy it belongs to, remembers his voice and his smile, his annoying but infectious enthusiasm. He remembers their kinship, his determination, his love . He remembers it all because if he doesn’t, all this will have been for nothing.
He will have thrust his hand through his best friend’s heart for nothing . He’d steeled himself for it, looked right into Naruto’s eyes looking back at him with nothing but acknowledgement. As if to say, it’s okay Sasuke . As if to say I know, I see you .
He’d looked right at Sasuke as his life bled out, as Sasuke cradled him in his arms and watched the gentle smile across his face, as he’d said Sasuke…I’m sorry I couldn’t change your mind. The smile had faded along with the light in his eyes, just before the cry tore from Sasuke’s throat, echoing against the mountains. The pain had been so great Sasuke was sure he’d be cursed with yet another dojutsu ability he’d never wanted or asked for, another burden that would drive him madder still.
They’d wanted the same things once, even if they had drastically different ideas of how to get there.
“I guess it really is like sensei, like student,” he says as he stands, turning back to where Kakashi sits against a lone tree nearby. “Making excuses at gravestones…”
“This isn’t what I wanted for you.”
It’s the wrong thing to say.
“Then maybe it’s right after all. I’ve lived a life dictated by what someone else has wanted for me for too long.”
“You aren’t wrong about that.”
Sasuke says nothing to that. Kakashi is among the few who’s always understood this. The sudden spark of anger is gone as fast as it came and he sighs, leading the way back to the small outpost he’s made a house of not far from the grave. It’s hidden but gives him a good view of the rest of the village, his village now.
He eats alone while Kakashi retreats to his room. Really, it’s their room now seeing how Sasuke hardly ever sleeps in his own anymore. He steps in after his shower, Kakashi is sitting against the wall on his futon, looking out at the village through the small window there. Sasuke makes no announcements, simply slips under the covers and leans against Kakashi’s side, eyes shutting as he feels a minute amount of tension leaving him. Kakashi still smells like he remembered on quiet nights in Oto, still feels as sturdy, and it calms him. An anchor unlike so many that had tried to drown him.
Kakashi’s arm comes around his frame easily, and for a second Sasuke convinces himself it’s genuine and not an empty placation. It’s not like he’s controlling Kakashi, but it’s also not as though he’s given Kakashi many choices either.
“Extra long day?”
They’ve been doing this for years now, Kakashi knows exactly how he spends his days, knows what he’s feeling sometimes even before he does, he doesn’t know why Kakashi’s asking, doesn’t know why he cares, he wants to fight , he wants to-
“I know you think I’m some uncaring asshole-”
“I’ve never thought that of you, Sasuke. And you know it.”
Sasuke sits up slightly, letting Kakashi’s arm fall away from around him and glares at him.
“Yeah, well…what about now?”
“Sasuke, I…”
Sasuke looks into Kakashi’s eyes as he falters, stark grey swimming in a sea of black. He traces one of the many cracks that line Kakashi’s skin. With his regal frame and composure, he makes the perfect picture of a noble statue. Frozen in time just like one, too.
He kisses Kakashi’s cheek, following the marred pathway.
“Is this not cruel?” he breathes against an ear. “Keeping you here?”
He should have laid Kakashi beside Naruto, he should never have done what he did in the first place he should have-
“ You’re not cruel.”
He wants to curse Kakashi, his somehow still boundless capacity for comfort and forgiveness. Sasuke seeks absolution every day, even if he doesn’t voice it. Kakashi understands, he’s the only one left who does.
“You still think so?” he pushes, sliding from Kakashi’s side into his lap.
Kakashi won’t offer him the warmth he needs, can’t, but Sasuke will take what he can get.
“I do.”
Kakashi sounds as calm as he ever does, no notes of deception. He has no reason to lie anymore, after all.
“ I did this,” Sasuke says, casting his arm out to gesture at the village. The destruction may not have been his, but he’d picked the world up like a dying butterfly and pinned its helpless wings to a board without mercy.
“You did.”
He runs his hands down Kakashi’s arms, up again to his chest and further still to cup his cheeks.
“I did this, too.”
He searches Kakashi’s eyes but finds no disgust, no pity, no anger. He slides down again and into the covers, feeling drawn out like spent shinobi wire tangled underfoot. His forehead pressed to Kakashi’s hip, he lets his own arm wind around a trim waist as Kakashi’s hand finds its way into his hair. He’ll never admit to liking the way Kakashi will comb through his unruly strands, but he doesn’t need to. His subtle tilt further into the large palm on his head is enough.
“I’m so tired.”
“I know,” Kakashi’s voice is low, a whisper more gentle than Sasuke has any right to.
“I’ll never be able to fix it…I’ll never be able to bring him back. I’ll never be able to bring you back-”
“I’ll be here, Sasuke.”
“How long?”
Sasuke doesn’t know why he asks, it’s not up to Kakashi after all. He is learning though, that there are some things you simply want to believe in and Kakashi’s willing presence by his side has become one of those.
“As long as you need me. As long as you’ll have me.”
***
Kakashi smoothes down Sasuke’s hair as he drifts off to sleep, calmed by the steady rhythm that takes the place of a heartbeat no longer there.
He, too, is tired; though it’s not an earthly wariness that weighs on his bones. He has no life anymore, no friends, no need to eat, sleep. He doesn’t dream.
Yet, he’s found purpose, he thinks as he takes in the way Sasuke’s brow has smoothed out in his sleep, head still resting against him. More trusting than he ought to be, really. Sasuke hadn’t put Kakashi under his control despite knowing the distinction between such manifestations of the jutsu. A bridge too far for him, perhaps - despite it all Sasuke had never been one to force his agenda on others.
It matters not, Kakashi won’t kill him. He can’t.
Despite feeling Sasuke’s arm splinter his ribcage into hundreds of shards, despite feeling his heart shatter just the same in more than one way in that moment; because he’d known then it was hopeless.
Despite knowing Sasuke did the same to Naruto not long after and plunged the world into his twisted dystopia, a thing that now resembled the increasingly cobwebbed corners of his mind. Aimless, empty, and dark.
He fears Sasuke will never be able to let him go.
Leaning down to press a kiss to Sasuke’s brow he realizes the only thing he fears more, is that he will.