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Tony gasped awake, his hands clutching at his pillow, his eyes darting around, trying to figure out where he was. His chest hurt, but he tried to take a breath, and it worked. He could breathe. He could. Ok. He recognized his bedroom, the light emanating from the reactor casting the bed and Bruce's features in blue.
Bruce was still asleep. Thankfully Tony hadn't woken him with his nightmares. The scientist was sleeping, turned towards Tony, his curls messy around his head and his face actually relaxed for once. Tony didn't want to disturb that. He didn't.
But Tony felt his hand reaching out for the man, against his own volition. He needed - he felt the uncontrollable need for-
Shit. Tony closed his eyes a moment, yanked his hand back and clutched his pillow to him, as if it could comfort the pain, in his chest, his stomach - his fucking soul… if he actually had one.
He'd always been touchy-feely - with everyone, and especially with Bruce. So they'd even figured out sex. Sex was easy for Tony. Not so easy for Bruce, but they'd gotten there. It took time, and patience, and Tony giving Bruce the reins so he felt in control, felt safe.
But this was different. Tony was lost here. Like falling from a plane without a parachute. With Pepper, when he was completely clueless about relationship stuff, emotional stuff, he'd been able to at least fall back on the stereotypical expectations of what he was "supposed" to do as the man and she was "supposed" to do as the woman. Even if those things didn't really match with reality, he had at least had some guidelines.
But this. This was admitting feelings, admitting all the things churning inside him as he lay there, curled up with his face buried in the pillow, feeling like he was going to fall into pieces, while Bruce slept quietly beside him.
God, I'm so scared.
The memories won't go away.
The voices, the hands, the water-
The fucking stars staring at me as I suffocate and wait to die-
I need - I need - please-
How could he possibly say those things aloud? How?
And just to make him feel extra worse, when he was like this, he couldn't get rid of Howard's voice in his head. Stark's don't cry. Be a man. Don't be a baby.
Even Pepper had told him that the stuff Howard said was messed up. Really messed up. And he'd tried to believe her, he'd really tried. But in the middle of the night it was so hard. So fucking hard.
And now he felt tears threatening behind his eyes. Fuck.
So he didn't move. He just lay there and shook into the pillow, until he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"Tony? What's wrong?" Bruce's voice.
Tony moved the pillow to look at Bruce, whose face was all concern, no anger.
"Nightmare." Tony groaned.
"Oh, c'mere," Bruce said, and Tony didn't even have to ask, didn't have to say what he needed. Bruce just moved forward, gently plucked the pillow out of Tony's hands, throwing it aside, and pulled Tony against him. Bruce's arms went around him and Tony rested his head in the crook of Bruce's neck.
Tony wasn't trembling, he really wasn't, it was just that Bruce's arms around him felt so solid and strong. So safe. It felt too perfect. Too good.
"I'm sorry," Tony whispered.
"Why are you sorry?" Bruce sounded genuinely confused at that.
"I didn't want to bother you." Tony held tightly to Bruce, just breathing him in, trying to convince himself that this was real. Bruce stayed silent a moment, then spoke.
"Tony, wake me up. When you have a nightmare, or you can't sleep, or you're upset or whatever. Wake me up, ok?" he said softly against Tony's ear.
"I don't - is that ok? Is that what you do?" He really didn't know what people did. What "normal" people did. With Pepper he usually tried to sneak off to the workshop and not bother her when this happened.
Bruce pulled back to look him in the eye, his face completely accepting and gentle. He squeezed Tony's shoulder hard.
"This is what we do, okay?"
Tony nodded at that and, without thinking, buried his head against Bruce's chest. Bruce just held him close, so close.
And it was scary. It felt like falling, but it wasn't so bad, because Bruce was there to catch him.