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Neil knew the upperclassmen didn’t like Andrew. It wasn’t a secret and they made little effort to hide their snide remarks or hateful looks whenever Andrew walked in the room. At first Neil thought he could deal with it. He thought he could tune it out like Andrew did and pretend they never said anything to begin with.
He realized how wrong he was halfway into his junior year.
The foxes had won their last game of the fall season against the Jackals. It was hard fought and sorely won with three of his teammates down by half time from sprained ankles and minor concussions (at least ‘minor’ is what they claimed when Wymack sent them off court to Abby.)
Neil was about seventy-eight percent sure his body was more purple than not and his left ear was still ringing from a particularly hard tackle in the last six seconds of the game. Needless to say, he was barely in the mood for a social gathering, let alone the gift exchange/sleep over/reunion party Allison had planned. But it was the only time all of the graduated foxes (minus Nicky who was in the last stage of finalizing an adoption with Erik) had free to come, so Neil figured he could suck it up for one night.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go, well, maybe it was. The holidays meant nothing when he was young, and even less when he was on the run. His only fond memory of one was last Christmas when Andrew drove him through the suburbs to look at Christmas lights and make out in the backseat after. He’d much rather be doing that than sit on the floor, squished between Kevin and Aaron while Allison passed out the first of the gifts.
Allison had sent the invite months ago, along with a link to some Secret Santa list that randomly assigned you to another fox. The rules were easy, get a thoughtful gift and tell absolutely no one who you drew. Simple, yet Neil knew he would break them as soon as Renee’s name popped up in swirly Christmas font encircled with dancing candy canes. He asked Andrew almost immediately and wound up setting a silver package containing an elegant cross pendent and a copy of whatever new book she told Andrew she wanted to read.
“Neil,” Allison was holding out a medium sized package to him, “This one’s for you.”
He took it from her, careful not to jostle it in case anything was breakable.
“Matt and Dan,” Neil zoned out as Allison passed out the rest of the gifts throughout the room. Andrew was sitting in a recliner off to his left, having moved it out of the way so everyone else could sit. Neil tried his best to get Andrew to move to the couch with him, but he had only stared at him until Neil relented and squished himself between Matt and Kevin.
He couldn’t see him from this angle, but he assumed Andrew was still sitting with his legs slung over the arm of the chair and scrolling through whatever it is that he does on his phone. Or maybe he was talking quietly with Bee. Neil couldn’t hear much over Allison yelling at people to pay attention when she called their name.
“Alright,” Allison clapped her hands twice to quiet the room. “Who goes first?”
A unanimous “Coach!” ran through the room until Wymack relented and opened the small red package he had been given. It was a book with a picture of every game the Foxes had won since Neil had been on the team.
“Which one of you was it?” Wymack asked, voice gruff and arms crossed like he couldn’t care less about it. Everyone knew he was faking.
Dan raised her hand. “Had to remind you what it felt like to win. You haven’t been doing much of that this season,” She joked. It was true, the foxes had lost as many as they’d won. The freshman were still getting used to the team and they practically had target’s painted on their backs as the only team to ever beat the Edgar Allen Ravens.
Wymack grumbled something Neil couldn’t quite hear over Kevin’s squawking, but it sounded suspiciously like “asshole.”
Dan went next, having been the person who had drawn Wymack. She got a personalized play book from Kevin for her new position as the assistant coach for some state school in Maine. Kevin got new gloves from Aaron, Aaron got a gift card to some Fancy restaurant from Matt.
“Take your girl out for once,” Matt laughed. Aaron thanked him, but Neil didn’t miss the skeptical glance he casted towards Andrew. It was ridiculous. Andrew set Aaron free. Neil knew he wouldn’t go back on it, but Aaron still seemed to think Katelyn couldn’t be so much as mentioned without invoking the eternal wrath of his doppleganger.
Renee had drawn Matt, which means it was her turn to open Neil’s (technically Andrew’s gift).
“It’s very nice, Neil. Thank you.” Her smile as as serene as always. It still made his skin crawl. He didn’t miss the glance she threw at Andrew. She knew, of course she did. Still, Neil couldn’t find it in himself to feel bad for breaking Allison’s rules.
Now it was Neil’s turn. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him as he peeled back the green and red wrapping paper. It was a new pair of running shoes. Special edition from a brand Neil hadn’t heard of and would probably never buy for himself. Still, they were a brilliant shade of orange and black, nicer than any pair he’d owned before. Inside was a card, unlabeled and unsuspecting. It was tucked beneath one of the shoes, so Neil took that to mean “open later, away from prying eyes.”
“Those will stop traffic.” Allison snipped, though he knew she meant it in good fun. “Who the hell got Neil more orange?”
Wymack crossed his arms back over his chest with a huff. “Got tired of him stumbling around in the same ratty ass one’s he’s had for years.”
It meant more than Neil thought it would, to get something like this from Wymack. They were just shoes, but they were his and they came from the first man to every give him a chance at a normal life. He decided he’d use them till the soles fell off.
Their chain had been broken since Wymack had already opened his gift first, so they circled around to Abby who received a fancy bracelet from Allison. Allison got earrings with Seth and Renee’s birthstones from Bee, and Bee got a class fox holding a snowflake. Her gift was unlabeled, but Neil knew it came from Andrew.
Andrew, who was still sitting in Abby’s arm chair when Allison clapped her hands again and declared it was time to decorate Christmas cookies.
Neil stood up as everyone began to file out of the room, but he didn’t move.
Andrew was sitting there, fiddling with the fox figurine Bee had given him to hold while she went to the restroom. He hadn’t opened a gift, and he didn’t have one in his hands, or in the chair, or on the floor next to him, or anywhere. A quick glance under the now empty tree told Neil that it hadn’t just gotten lost while Allison played Santa.
“Andrew…” Neil started, but was cut off when Andrew pressed the fox into his hand, blank faced as always, and walked out of the front door with his cigarettes in one hand and his keys in the other.
Neil wanted to follow him, but the weight of the glass in his hand sent a clear message. Andrew didn’t want company, and Neil wouldn’t disrespect that. Still, he could feel the anger bubbling in his chest as he walked into the kitchen where the other’s were chatting. Matt and Dan were passing out different colored tubs of icing and Allison was baiting Kevin into choosing a stencil that wasn’t sport related.
“Where’s Andrew’s gift?” The room went silent.
“What do you mean?” Wymack asked, wiping cookie crumbs off his hands with a towel. He set off to the living room. “It probably just got left under the tree.”
“It didn’t.” Neil could feel a cold edge creeping into his voice, the white hot anger in his chest threatening to bubble over into his words. “Allison, who got Andrew?”
She didn’t answer at first, and that told Neil all he needed to know. “Neil…”
“You didn’t put his name in, did you?” His ears were getting hot and he was sure his face was turning that shade of red it only got when he was angry (or when Andrew kissed him).
The other’s had stopped what they were doing and where staring wide eyed between Neil and Allison. Kevin had orange icing dripping onto his sleeve and one of Aaron’s cheeks was puffed out with half of a cookie he stopped chewing to gawk at the scene in front of him. Dan and Matt had gone with Wymack check the living room, and Renee had disappeared out the back door, probably to see Andrew. Abby and Bee had yet to come back downstairs.
“I didn’t think he would come.” Allison shrugged, pulling back on the snobby indifference she wore when she knew someone was upset with her. Like she didn’t care in the first place and still doesn’t.
“So you just didn’t include him?” The rage was bubbling over. “I told you we were coming two weeks ago!”
“I already made the list.” She flicked her hair over her shoulder and turned back to the cookie covered counter.
Neil had enough. She didn’t get to shrug this off like it was a simple mistake. Like it was nothing. Like Andrew was nothing.
Andrew who spent his life in foster care, watching the biological children open gifts on Christmas morning while he spent the day empty handed and cleaning up the discarded wrapping paper from gifts he never received. Andrew, who made it a point to spend Christmas day alone, even once he had moved in with Nicky because he couldn’t stand the memories of Drake’s hands on him when he was back home for the holidays. Andrew, who had had nothing. Andrew, who was still being treated as nothing by the “family” they had found, as the upperclassmen liked to put it.
Neil stepped forward, putting himself between Allison and the counter. “You couldn’t have figured it out? You aren’t stupid, Allison.”
“Neil,” Dan had re-entered with Matt and a clearly pissed off Wymack. “It was just an oversight. She didn’t mean anything by it.”
“It’s not just an oversight!” The rage in his chest exploded. “You always do this! All of you walk around like if you just ignore him, he’ll go away. You think that if you treat him like he’s invisible, he’ll stop existing. It doesn’t work like that.”
“Come on, man.” Matt moved to put a hand on Neil’s shoulder. Normally he would tolerate it, but he was feeling far from normal at the moment. Neil shoved away Matt’s hand, who raised them in surrender. “I’m sure it was an accident.”
It wasn’t an accident. Neil couldn’t accept that it was because that would mean Andrew was insignificant to them, even though they know exactly how much he means to Neil.
“Would you have even noticed if I hadn’t said anything?” Neil asked. None of them responded. “Didn’t think so.”
Allison took a step back from Neil before she spoke again. “Look, I didn’t think he’d care.”
“Why the fuck did you think that?” He knew the answer already. Of course he did. Andrew wouldn’t care because he’s a monster. He doesn’t feel anything. He isn’t human. “You guys do realize he’s a person, right?”
Allison moved to the cupboard to grab an icing pen. “Hardly.”
And that was it. That was the word that drove Neil over the edge.
“Do you even know anything about him?” Neil snapped. Kevin and Aaron both opened their mouthes to respond, but Neil cut them off with a finger pointed in their direction. “Not you.” He rounded back on the upperclassmen. “If any of you can tell me a single positive thing about him, I’ll let it go.”
He waited, watched Dan and Matt open and close their mouthes as they fished for an answer they didn’t have.
“He’s a great player.” Allison chimed in.
“Very nice, Allison. You managed to point out the one thing everyone in college exy knows. Would you like an award? Try again.” This time, she was silent.
“None of you know jack shit.” Neil raised his voice as he stormed back into the living room to grab his shoes, both the ones he wore there and the ones he was gifted. He kept ranting as he shoved his feet in, not even bothering to untie the laces. “He picked out Renee’s gift from me. I didn’t have a clue what to get her. Allison, he picked out the dress I got you for your birthday.” He tried not to feel satisfied as the tiniest bit of guilt crossed over her face.
“Dan, he memorized every single USC game because he wanted to make sure we won the first game you helped Wymack coach.” A look mirroring Allison’s appeared on Dan’s face. “Matt, he’s the one who makes sure there’s no cracker dust or weed or anything in our dorm when you visit. Or the Columbia house when you went with us. But he’s a monster, right? He doesn’t have any feelings? He does. Maybe not for you, but you’ve done nothing to earn his affection. All you do is talk shit about him and treat him like he’s a freak show. Not only are you being wildly disrespectful to him, you’re disrespecting me. Andrew is the only, the only person in this house that I know will pick me every time, even when I have nothing to offer him. But you don’t get it. You know how much he means to me, and you can’t even find it in yourself to treat him like a person for my sake. You don’t understand him, you don’t deserve him. You never will.”
Neil was almost to the door when he spoke again. “If you think for a second I’ll leave him for you, for any of you or for all of you, you’re wrong. The next time you decide to leave him out of this little family, go ahead and count me out, too.”
The bitter winter air stung his cheeks as he stormed back to the Maserati. The window’s were down but the smell of smoke still clung to the upholstery as Neil climbed inside. He must have passed Renee on his way outside, but he didn’t notice, too consumed in the anger he was feeling.
“Care to share, rabbit?” Andrew shifted the car into gear as Neil slammed the door.
“No.” Neil regretted saying it as soon as he said it because it wasn’t true. He did want to share. Wanted to scream Andrew’s worth from the rooftops until the cops drug him off for disturbing the peace. “I just- I don’t like how they treat you.”
Andrew’s indifference didn’t break. “I don’t care what they do.”
It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth. Neil knew it hurt him, at least on some level, to be the outcast among the outcasts. Even the people society threw out thought he was worthless, just like everyone else is Andrew’s life had.
The anger was bubbling back up again, but Neil didn’t want to feel it. Not now, maybe not ever.
“Can we go home?” He asked, even though he knew that was were Andrew was headed anyways.
Andrew didn’t say anything, only reached over to hold Neil’s hand and watch the twinkling neighborhood Christmas lights pass as they made their way to Columbia.