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The rain pounded down against the roof of the car, causing a drum-like sound to fill the silence.
Well, not silence. Jonah was silently weeping with his face pressed against the wheel. Tears spilled down his flushed cheeks. He ran his fingers through his silver hair and sobbed quietly. Cars sped past him, causing a slight disturbance.
The radio wouldn’t shut the hell up, it was like a loud voice echoing through his head. No matter how loud he screamed, the alien-like voice didn’t stop. He’d give anything just for the radio to shut up. But, that wasn’t going to happen.
His throat was sore from screaming at the radio. So sore he could barely retch up any air he had left in his lungs. There was a pulsing pain in his head, kind of like a raging storm at war. Or maybe like a lifeboat lost at sea, the waves crashing against the sides of the small boat.
This was all his fault. If he wasn’t such a scaredy cat, if he wasn’t such a pussy, maybe he’d be heading home with his best friend right now. His only friend. Now he was alone, speeding through the rain to just find somewhere to go. He didn't know where he was headed or what he was doing.
The tears didn’t stop, they only kept coming. His eyes burned and his face was wet, his vision blurred with tears, but he kept driving. Not knowing where he was going or what he was going to do when he reached wherever he was headed, he whispered small prayers to himself.
After all this time, he still had to be so immature? He still had to run and hide like he always did. Despite everything they had been through together, despite everything Adam had told Jonah about his past and how terrible his life was before, he ran and left him behind.
When Adam first opened up to Jonah, he wasn’t shocked that Adam was completely broken inside, but it was the reason that surprised him. Jonah was never really a happy kid. He always thought he didn’t deserve to be happy for any reason. It wasn’t like he was abused or anything, he had a nice family. His dad was a good man, sure, but not to him.
It was so hard to put into words. So, so hard.
Jonah was a good kid. He didn’t cause trouble and had a few friends. Then, his friends moved on and made new friends and forgot about him. They left him behind. He was alone for a few years, coming home from school everyday to see his mom on the couch with bottles surrounding her. That made him so sad, he’d go into his room and flop on his bed and just cry into his pillows and blankets.
Then, he met Adam. They clicked right away. But, Adam was a bad kid. A bad influence. The first day they met Adam begged Jonah to let him stay over his house. They were still just kids, Jonah didn’t have a clue what it was supposed to mean then. They became best friends, like two peas in a pod, they couldn’t be split apart.
They were each other's only friends for as long as they knew each other. Adam started BPS, Jonah joined in, they did all that for a few years. Adam started getting hostile, a little more rude and petty, but Jonah didn’t mind. He liked how their personalities crossed.
That was another thing. Jonah always seemed bright, bubbly, and happy despite going home to curl up in a ball and sob every night. It was an everyday thing, like a routine through all of middle school then high school. Then, Adam started staying over more and he had to choke back his tears and thoughts just to help Adam overcome his.
Adam had it so, so much worse than he did. Afterall, Jonah had nice parents and a nice house. He had no reason to be sad. At all. Adam had so many reasons to hate himself and Jonah didn’t. He had none.
Adam would sneak into Jonah’s window late at night, tears streaming down his face and shaking. Even if Jonah was having a problem with himself or his parents were yelling or drunk downstairs, he’d always help Adam. He’d do anything for Adam no matter what.
And now, he was too scared to even turn around and see if Adam was still alive. Even after all of that. He was too scared.
He tried to focus on the road, but his vision was too blurry. More tears flooded from his eyes, small drops landing on the wheel. At every chance he could get, he’d pause to press his face against the wheel and sob as loud as he could.
… But when he couldn’t take it anymore, he pulled over on the side of the road and slipped out of the car. He slammed the car door shut as hard as he could and crumbled to his knees.
Jonah pulled himself against the car and pressed his back to the door. He buried his face in his hands and screamed and cried. His hands were soaking wet with tears and snot and rain by the time he was finished.
His throat was itching and his eyes still felt like they were on fire. He was scared to see his reflection in the mirror after this.
He slowly pulled his hands away from his face and sobbed one last time before feeling any wave of pain come his way. Just as tears began to cloud in his eyes and spill down his cheeks, he felt a breeze flow through his ruffled hair, followed by a whisper and gentle touch of someone familiar. He slowly turned, tears still blocking his sight.
He blinked, then gasped silently, the tears leaving his eyes and streaming down his cheeks.
It was Adam, but surely this couldn’t have been real, right? Same ocean blue eyes, same fluffy blonde hair, same emotionless face with no feelings behind his blank eyes.
“Are you okay?” Did he look okay? Of course he wasn’t okay.
He shook his head. Adam sighed. “What’s wrong?”
“I-I thought you were dead? How are you…” He blinked, surely this wasn’t actually him? How did he get here? Was this just his mind playing with him or something?
Adam smiled. “I was here the whole time? Are you out of your mind?” He laughed. His laugh always cheered Jonah up.
A hand reached up to wipe the tears flowing down Jonah’s flushed face. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m fine. I’m right here. See?”
Jonah cracked a small smile. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Adam said. “It’s alright. I’m here now, okay? You don’t have to worry.”
Jonah curled up beside Adam, his face right in the center of Adam’s chest. He was still crying, but now happy tears were pouring from his face. Adam placed his cold hands in Jonah’s hair and calmed him down.
It was quiet for a while, besides for Jonah’s loud cries and sobs. But, just having Adam here calmed him down.
“Y’know,” Adam began, brushing his hand through Jonah’s hair. “If that were you back there, I’d do the same thing you did.”
What? That made no sense. Maybe he was just startled from everything with the alternates that he was getting his words jumbled up?
“What?” Jonah let out a small chuckle, slightly confused, but Adam didn’t laugh.
“I mean it. If you weren’t such a pussy and actually went into that basement and saw what I saw, I’d probably leave you to die, too.”
His heart dropped. He quickly pulled away from his embrace with Adam and scrambled back. “W-What do you mean? You… You’re right here, though?”
Adam now looked stern, angry, even. His fists were clenched and his eyebrows were furrowed. “I had it so, so much worse than you. Why do you think you have the right to be sad about this whole thing when it’s your fault, Jonah? Why did you leave me to die after I told you to stop being scared? Why were you so scared in the first place?”
“I was just trying to protect you, I…” Tears clouded Jonah’s eyes once more. He felt every word Adam spoke hit his heart. It felt like a punch in the gut, really.
“If I were you, I’d get in that car and drive off a cliff right now. I’d fucking kill myself,” Adam was yelling at this point, not a single emotion but pure rage lining his words. “You don’t deserve to live any longer, you’ve lived long enough. There’s nothing left in life for you, so why not just kill yourself? All you do is cry and weep and sob and whine like a little bitch when you have no reason to. I’m the one who’s supposed to be upset right now, since you fucking left me to die.”
Jonah curled up in a ball next to his car, covering his ears and stuffing his face in his knees. He couldn’t take this anymore.
“Nobody every fucking loved you! Don’t you think there's a reason your parents always fought and why your dad hated you and why your mom was always drinking? It was because you’re such a fucking burden! I never loved you, I never even wanted to be friends with someone like you, Jonah.”
He felt his stomach drop, his heart pound out of his chest and tears spill down his cheeks. His face was burning from all the tears, they felt like they were burning through his skin. He just felt like he was going to scream, he needed it to stop or else he thought he might explode.
Jonah covered his ears, closed his eyes, denying this was really Adam. The Adam he spent most of his life with, the Adam he loved and the Adam he was best friends with. He’d never say anything like this to him. He tried to control his rapid breathing, but it was too fast for him. The tears didn’t stop and his heart didn’t slow down.
He felt his body shaking, his stomach ache, his face in between his knees. He hugged his knees and sobbed loudly, trying to block out the sound of Adam’s disoriented voice.
Adam didn’t seem like Adam anymore. His voice didn’t sound human, and Jonah didn’t bother to look over at his ‘friend’ beside him. He found that the louder he cried and hummed to himself, the less Adam would talk. Adam’s chatter slowed down, but didn’t stop.
“You seriously are so pathetic. You only cry and whine all the time, you’re going to die alone. Right here, right now.”
Jonah squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could. The thought of being alone was bad enough, but dying alone, too?
Maybe he did deserve all this. Maybe Adam did have it worse and maybe Adam did need help more than he did. Maybe everything really was his fault. He left Adam to die after all, right? So, he deserved this pain. Adam was right, everything he said. It was all true. Adam was usually always right, after all.
“Just… go away.” He whispered, his voice cracking ever so slightly. His face stung and his whole body felt weak.
He took one more deep breath, closed his eyes and hugged his knees tight. He pressed his wet face against his keep caps and sobbed one final time.
Then, all of a sudden, it stopped. Everything stopped. The voice of Adam stopped, and he was gone. Just like that. Jonah rose to his feet and whirled around, the rain coming down heavily and blocking his view. His face was wet with rain and tears, his hair damp and his clothes heavy and soggy, too.
“Adam?” He mumbled, barely breathing. But, Adam was gone. Truly gone.
He didn’t know if he should feel happy or sad. This meant that Adam was gone, but so was the other Adam. The real Adam.
No, he couldn’t cry anymore. He refused. Instead, he slid into the car and rubbed his eyes. He attempted to calm down, but he just couldn’t. He just couldn’t get himself to feel better.
Maybe he’d never feel better. Maybe he’d forever be alone without Adam. What was he going to tell Sarah and Evelin and everyone else in BPS? What was he going to do by himself? Maybe he wasn’t meant to be happy. Maybe it was meant to be like this.
He pressed his head against the wheel and sobbed loudly.