Work Text:
TRYOUT
It starts like this:
Jisu, on the floor of her bedroom, tongue poking out of her mouth as she twists the laces of her roller skates around her fingers as she ties them. Felix, sitting on the bed next to her, toes dangling over the edge of the bed and nearly bent over in half with a nail polish brush held in between her fingers, painting carefully. A My Chemical Romance song plays on Jisu’s record player but it’s drowned out by the sound of Felix’s voice.
“—and my mom has been hounding me about it for ages, but I’ve always dodged her, because that means no summer, and like hell do I want that. But I also know money is hard with dad gone, and Chris does send money—mom won’t admit it, but I see the envelopes he drops off—but at least a third of it goes into savings for my stupid surgery, even though I told mom it was fine. And like, I can’t just fuckin’ ignore that. Like I have responsibility—Are you even listening?”
Jisu’s eyes don’t leave the skate she’s attempting to tie. “Yeah.” A part of her feels a bit like an asshole for not being one hundred percent invested in the convo, but Jisu is currently fighting a battle known as Lacing One’s Skates, and battles of this extreme require her full attention. She’s positive that if she gave up on lacing the skates she’d put it off and then get annoyed at herself for putting it off because she wants to skate. She murmurs a curse under her breath as she yanks at the black laces. Lacing skates is number two on her Hell-Sent Curses list, second to the absolute abomination known as feet.
Something obstructs her gaze. She glances up, confused, only to shriek and pull herself back when she sees a foot dangling in her face. Typical .
“You bastard,” Jisu cries, slapping at the hellish limbs. “Get them out of my sight.”
Felix ignores the slew of accusations and swears and wiggles her toes. “Like my nail polish?”
“PUT THEM AWAY,” Jisu bellows, ignoring the fact that the dandelion yellow color was good with her skin. It’s completely unfair that such an evil being has the capacity to make everything about her pretty. Being best friends with her is a constant emotional attack.
Felix doesn’t listen. In fact, she has the audacity to get motivated by Jisu’s protests and move her toes even closer. Jisu screams. “GET YOUR GODDAMN TOES OUT OF MY FACE.”
“Not until you listen to me~”
“Okay, okay, I’m listening!” Jisu puts her hands up in mock surrender, face still turned away.
“Fine,” sated, Felix tucks her foot back to its precarious perch at the end of the bed. “I’m done.”
Jisu sighs in immediate relief—her first mistake. Her momentary defense drop meant she was nowhere near prepared for Felix’s next statement.
“Try out for the roller derby team.”
“No,” Jisu groans. “I’m—”
Felix does the unthinkable. She sticks her toes out again, right in Jisu’s face.
“YOU PROMISED,” Jisu shrieks, swatting her feet away.
“You didn’t listen!”
“I thought you meant to hear what you say, not obey your every fucking command!”
“I made the rules, so that means you’re wrong.”
“ Felix .”
“Fine, fine, fine.” Felix retracts the Hell-sent limb and tucks her hair back behind her ears. The beaded bracelet on her right arm slides down a little, daisy charm swaying softly. “I just don’t see the problems with trying out.”
Jisu is stubbornly silent, staring at the still un-tied skate sitting in front of her. The soft acoustic guitar opening to Disenchanted starts drifting out of the record player.
“Here, what about this?” Felix flips so her head dangles over the edge of the bed and turns to face Jisu. Her wavy dark hair falls down like a curtain. “Make a pros and cons list.”
Jisu raises her eyebrows. “You sound like Chris.”
“Well, he has a point.”
“No way you just said that your cousin has a point. He’ll have a field day if I tell him.”
“Fuck off.” Felix raises her arm to swat at her. “Make the list. It’ll help me understand.”
“Stop being sensible and shit,” Jisu whines. “It’s out of character.”
“Do you want my feet in your face again, dickwad?” Felix threatens, mouth turning into a scowl. Except, her head is upside down, so it looks like a smile. “Pros and cons of trying out for the roller derby, go.”
“Pros: Nothing. Cons: Everything. Happy now?”
“ No .” The sincerity in Felix’s voice kills all the wittiness on Jisu’s tongue. She flips over so she’s on her stomach, chin resting on her hands. Jisu has to turn to face her. “Ji, I don’t get the problem here,” she says softly. “You’ve always wanted to be a skater. We used to dream of it as kids.”
There’s a heavy lump in her throat. “Lix,” she starts, “I just… I don’t know.”
Felix frowns deeply, a rainy emotion entering her eyes. Jisu finds her gaze going to her lips, pursed in slight indignation. Shiny from the gloss she applied earlier. Perfectly heart-shaped. Felix had no right to have lips that looked pretty in a pout.
It takes Jisu another second to realize it is not exactly normal to be staring at your best friend’s lips while having a conversation.
Jisu turns away sharply, glancing back down at her skates. She feels the tips of her ears burn red. “I… I would try out…” she feels Felix’s gaze on her and swallows. “But what if I’m not cut out for it?”
“What?” Felix’s voice is sharp, cutting into the tense atmosphere.
“I said,” she takes a deep breath, “I don’t know if I’m cut for roller derby.”
Felix sits up. The song suddenly changes pace with a powerful guitar riff and drums and the sound echoes through the quiet room. “You’re lying.”
“It’s—”
“You’re a fucking amazing skater, one, two, you’re agile, three, you’re strong—”
Jisu snorts. “That’s a funny joke.”
“Jisu. Look at me.” She reaches down and places her hands on both sides of Jisu’s face. Jisu’s skin buzzes at the contact. “You’re amazing, and not just because I said so—I know so. Stop listening to the stupid voice in your head telling you that you suck because you’re not ‘tough’ or tall or have rippling muscles.”
Jisu sucks in a sharp breath.
Felix continues, motivated by Jisu’s nonverbal how-the-hell-did-you-read-me-so-well . “Ji, I’ve seen you on that track. When you get focused, it’s like… nothing can ever get in your way. Your determination is enough to power through a group of linebackers—shut up , I’m serious! You haven’t seen yourself skate! You’re intimidating—not because you wear all black clothes and put on a lot of eyeliner and have blue hair, but because you have this energy about you. Like, I look at you and know you’re going to win no matter what.” Felix smacks her in the cheek. “That’s why I want you to try out for the roller derby team, asshole. Because I want to see you on the track again, and I want to see you win.”
Jisu blinks at Felix. Her eyebrows are furrowed. Her eyes glint with something strong and inspired, something sincere, and something in Jisu’s heart just gives .
“Fine,” Jisu says. “But only if you apply to work at the rink so we can see each other.”
SWEATY
Jisu wins her first roller derby bout and Felix comes running towards her.
First thing she thinks is, Felix is going to hurt herself . Second, she’s coming in for a hug and I’m sweaty. So she jogs forward to meet her, but instead of opening her arms to accept the hug Felix attacks her with, she holds her arms out and catches Felix by the shoulders, effectively holding her at arms length.
“What the fuck?” Felix blurts, a frown on her face. “Let me hug you, asshole.”
“I’m sweaty,” says Jisu. “And why the hell were you running, stupid? That’s not good for your ankles. Are you wearing your brace?”
“Fuck these ankles,” Felix says passionately. “And fuck being sweaty.” She squirms in Jisu’s hold, making grabby motions with her hands. “LET ME HUG YOU.”
“Lix, this is your favorite pair of overalls. It's not worth it.” Yeah, Felix looks absolutely adorable in the overall shorts and Jisu’s not risking them getting ruined in favor of seeing Felix in them another day. Totally platonically, of course. It’s not gay to want to see your best friend in her cutest outfit, right?
“Fuck no.” Felix effectively squirms away, the little worm, and jumps into Jisu’s arms. The actions startles her so much she loses her balance, and then they’re on the floor, Felix’s face buried into Jisu’s neck, arms wrapped around her like a vice. “Of course you’re worth it, asshole. You think I’m not going to hug you after your first win? Are you stupid?”
Yes, Jisu is stupid. But right now, she’s speechless, cheeks burning bright red from her proximity to Felix, inhaling the smell of her strawberry-scented shampoo. Right now, she’s giddy from her first win. Right now, she feels like the most important person in the world, because Felix said she’s worth it.
SUMMERTIME
“Sing,” Jisu urges. “Do it!”
Summertime by My Chemical Romance—Jisu and Felix’s favorite song ever; it practically belongs to them—is playing on the karaoke machine. The rink is empty, save for Jisu and Felix. It’s after hours so everything is dark—only the neon accent lights are on, sending them into almost a surreal, otherworldly space.
Felix shakes her head. Her newly bleached-blonde hair is in two braided pigtails and they sway with the movement. “I’m not that good.”
“Bull-,” Jisu hops down from her perch on one of the stools, “-shit. You’re only like, the best fucking singer in this entire town.”
Felix sets the karaoke mic down. “That’s not saying much, given this town is tiny as hell.”
“Fine then. You’re the best fucking singer in all of California.”
“Not true!”
“You’re the best fucking singer in America!”
“Jisu, stop—”
“Best fucking singer in the world!” Jisu cries, grinning madly. She grabs Felix’s wrists and starts spinning them around. Felix yelps, but the sound turns into giddy giggles as they go faster, and soon enough, the sound of both Felix and Jisu’s laughter fills the air. All she can see is neon and blonde blending into each other, creating a blurry mess of her vision. Elation is filling Jisu’s skin, bubbling in her bones, softening her heart.
She’s spinning with her best friend in the middle of an empty skating rink—and it’s stupid, juvenile, but if the world paused at this moment, she wouldn’t be upset.
Dizziness claims them, eventually, and they tumble to the ground, falling next to each other. Felix is still laughing. Jisu’s heart twinges at the sound, twinges at the sight of her, blonde braids on the ground, lips spread wide, green light catching the smattering of freckles of her cheek, eyes closed shut as her chest heaves with laughter.
The song picks up and Jisu sits up, reaching for the karaoke mic. “Hurry, the lyrics are starting,” she says, bringing the mic closer to Felix’s lips.
“I,” she flicks her eyes from the mic to Jisu, then sighs. “Fine.” She grabs the mic and gets to her feet. Jisu allows herself a fist pump to celebrate her victory then takes a step back, listening.
“When the lights go out,” Felix sings tentatively, flinching at the sound of her voice echoing on the karaoke speakers. “Jisu—”
“Shut up and sing!”
Felix rolls her eyes but continues, anyway. “-will you take me with you,” she starts swaying to the beat a little, a shy smile growing on her face. “And carry all this broken bone..”
Jisu grins. Mouths, you can do it Felix!
Felix’s answering grin is blinding. “Through six years down in crowded rooms,” she closes her eyes, readjusts her grip on the mic, “and highways I call home?”
The last note is powerful, echoing off the walls of the rink and slamming into Jisu’s chest. Felix’s voice is a light alto, melodic and sweet, lilting at high notes. It’s a beautiful voice. Everything about Felix is beautiful, goddamn it.
Felix is starting to gain confidence, fully moving with the music with her arm spread wide. She looks gorgeous framed in flickering shades of neon colors, bringing light to the angelic planes of her face. Jisu’s heart is doing stupid, dumb things in her chest. She still feels that elation in her skin. Somethings itching to burst out, this feeling, a confession—
“If you stay, I would even wait all night,” Felix is walking up to her, holding her free hand out. Jisu points at herself, eyebrow raised, and Felix nods. A smile grows across Jisu’s face as she takes Felix’s hand and they begin to sway together. “Or until my heart explodes—how long, until we…”
Felix is staring right at her, eyes glittering, and the overwhelming elation is starting to stir up in Jisu’s gut again. It feels like they’re the only two people alive at this moment, like the world was focusing on them—but even that didn’t matter, because Felix’s gaze was on her, and only her.
“Find our way, in the dark and out of harm…”
The confession pushes at her mind again, and Jisu doesn’t have to guess to figure out what it was.
She’s secretly known for a long, long time that she was in love with Felix.
“You can run away with me, anytime you want.”
IMPUSLIVE FIGHTING INSTINCTS
No one thought she had it in her.
Hell, Jisu didn’t think she had it in her.
“You’re such a fucking dumbass, you hear me? Absolutely stupid,” Felix berates, tilting Jisu’s head to observe the bruise on her cheek. “You picked a fight with a football player.”
Jisu swats Felix’s hand away, raising the ice pack over her cheek. “He wasn’t that hard to fight.”
“He’s a linebacker, Ji. You almost got beaten to a pulp.”
“You know, someone once told me I had enough determination to take down a linebacker,” Jisu says, smirking a bit.
Felix stares at her for a beat. For a minute, Felix’s struggle against the urge to smile is evident on her face. But then her gaze goes to the ice-pack on her cheek and her face falls back into a hard expression. “Jisu, I’m serious.”
“I’m serious too!” Jisu exclaims, throwing up her hands. “Was I supposed to just stand there and watch him call you those things behind your back?”
“Yes!” Felix says forcefully. “Don’t you think I’m used to this shit?”
“You shouldn’t be,” she spits. “He called you slurs.”
“Didn’t mean you had to punch him in the face!”
“What was I supposed to do?”
“Nothing!” Felix shouts—and Jisu almost jumps five feet in the air, because Felix never shouts, at least never in such a furious way. Felix is fuming, face red and eyes aflame. “God, Jisu. I get it, you’re my friend and you want to make sure I’m okay. I appreciate how you made sure no one did shit to my wheelchair when my ankles were bad, or how you told off those kids who were teasing me because I had a ‘boy name,’ but I’m not three years old. I can stand up for myself if I want. I know hearing people be homophobic is hard to hear, but you don’t always have to be my guardian angel.” She draws her knees up under her chin, eyes hooded.
Jisu’s throat is dry. “I—I didn’t…” she drops her arm, letting the ice pack fall into her lap. “I’m sorry. Felix, I’m really sorry. I never meant for you to feel that way.” She holds out her hand, hoping her earnesty is evident in her voice.
It’s quiet for a moment. Felix’s hand reaches out to Jisu’s and squeezes. It’s okay.
“Honestly?” Felix says, voice ten times quieter than before. “I think I’m just scared.”
Jisu runs her thumb over Felix’s hand and looks up at the girl curiously. “Of what?”
“You—no offense, but it’s true—have a habit of doing things for me.”
Jisu’s cheeks flush. “Oh. Um. Is that bad?”
“Yeah. I mean, no. But it gets bad. Like today, when you punched that guy for me. Or the times you almost got hurt trying to climb the tree to sneak into my room that time you got grounded. Or when you almost made your skate name Daisy Blue-cannon because of my thing with daisies and the Great Gatsby.”
Jisu snorts. “How is that bad?”
“It’s your name, Jisu! It should be something based on you, not me.”
“The ‘Blue’ part is based on my hair,” Jisu retorts.
“That’s only one thing,” Felix says. “Everything about it should be based on you.”
The words reverberate in the silent room.
Jisu doesn’t respond for a long time. She gnaws on her bottom lip, hearing the words run around in her mind again and again. Eventually, she sighs. “It’s not fair I get to skate and you don’t.”
“I haven’t been able to skate since I was seven, Jisung.” Felix murmurs. “It was never my thing as much as it is yours.”
The words strike her directly in the chest. Jisu’s gaze drops to her lap. She knows what Felix is getting at, and honestly, she’s right. She’s willing to do much of anything for Felix’s sake, because Felix is… Felix is her world. Seeing her happy is her main source of serotonin—forget skating, or MCR, or her dog Bbama.
“I’m… I’m scared one day you’re going to do something huge for me,” Felix continues, still holding Jisu’s hand, ”but then you get yourself really hurt because of it, or you screw yourself over somehow, and it’s really bad. And then it's not even worth it in the end.” Felix plays with the sunflower charm on Jisu’s necklace. When Jisu doesn’t respond, she looks up. Her eyes are wet, making Jisu suck in a sharp breath. “Promise me,” Felix says. “Promise me you won’t go and do something dumb because of me.”
Jisu’s tongue is heavy. She watches Felix, teary but urging, eyes searching for some kind of closure. She takes a breath. “Only if you promise me you’ll at least stay with me. As long as you can.”
They lock pinkies, and their twin daisy and sunflower necklaces slide down their wrists and knock into each other.
SWEATY PART TWO
It’s unbearingly hot the week after Felix and Jisu graduate. The kind of hot that’s heavy and stifling and cuts off your airways. Jisu winces as she feels sweat trail down her back as she bikes to Felix’s house—the last thing she wants is to be slimy and gross in front of Felix. It’s a good thing she’s wearing a black shirt, because then no sweat stains are showing, but also—she’s wearing a black shirt, meaning she’s absorbing the hot sun. You win some, you lose some.
By the time she’s trekked up the familiar path to Felix’s front door she’s sticky and uncomfortable. Every second she stands outside is another wave of heat over her body. She almost cries out in relief when Felix’s mother opens the door. “Jisu!” the woman exclaims, eyes wide. “Oh, you look exhausted. Come inside, come inside.”
The house is cool and air conditioned. Felix’s mother hands her an ice cold cup of lemonade and a freezing wet rag to put over her forehead. “You can cool down a bit before Felix comes back. She’s out walking Berry.” She then proceeds to slaughter Jisu with an onslaught of questions—how’s your mother any big summer plans are you going to get a job?—Before running to pick up the ringing phone and excusing her with a wave of her hand.
Jisu’s goes upstairs on her own volition—it’s basically routine, having been over here so many times and slips into Felix’s room. Felix’s room is an organized mess; with countless shelves and organizing baskets cluttered with clothes and candles and decorations. She makes moves to collapse on Felix’s bed when the pile of envelopes sitting on her desk catches her eye. College envelopes.
She drifts over to them and starts thumbing through them. She already knew Felix applied to a ton of colleges—she was always talking about “backup plans” in case she didn’t get into their dream college—but she never even knew Felix applied to half of these. It takes her a concerning amount of time to find the acceptance letter from Scripps—in fact, it’s tucked all the way in the back. It’s odd because Jisu’s own Scripps letter sits proudly in the middle of her messy desk like a centerpiece. It’s odd because Felix’s letter shoved in the back like she wants to forget. Which makes no sense because this is what they always wanted; what they’ve been working towards for the past four years.
A distant air of dread starts to hover on the horizon of Jisu’s mind.
The Scripps acceptance letter is torn open cleanly, which makes sense due to the yellow letter opener sitting next to the envelope pile, but it differs from some other envelopes that were ripped open messily. Oddly enough, Jisu notices that all the jagged, messy envelopes were from colleges in New York. Almost as if Felix had hurriedly, excitingly opened those ones and slowly opened the others.
The dread creeps closer. The storm is whispering things, haunting things, things that make her stomach drop.
She pulls the Scripps letter from the envelope hastily and reads it. Word by word. It’s nearly identical to the one she has, but she finds herself whispering the words to herself, internalizing the idea—fact—that Felix was really going to the same college as her. She whispers the words to silence the churning storm in her mind.
And then she catches sight of the other letter.
It’s customized. Blue and yellow geometric shapes, There’s a picture of a row of ballet dancers in the corner. Juilliard is written in a blue sans serif font.
It’s placed carefully on top of a pile of books. There’s a careful slice reminiscent of a letter opener through the top of it, but the sides of the envelope are slightly creased. As if it was gripped tightly.
Jisu doesn’t breathe as she takes out the letter inside the envelope. It’s simple. Plain white except for the blue Juilliard typographic logo in the top left corner.
Jisu doesn’t read all of it. She’s always been impatient.
“Congratulations—Tremendous pleasure—accepted—Marcus Institute for Vocal Arts—Bachelor of Music”
Jisu’s chest collapses in. The words are a punch in the gut.
Julliard is—was Felix’s dream school. She used to say she wanted to major in vocal arts. She used to dream of being a professional singer. She wanted to make her own music. She wanted to go to New York and live amongst the singers, the artists, the dancers, the dreamers. She wanted to make music her entire life. But the thing is, Jisu wouldn’t be a part of it. Juilliard—New York—it’s so big. So full, so booming, Felix would never have time for her. So she wormed the idea of Scripps in Felix’s head. Scripps was closer. Not as big. Had a roller derby team. Had a music program so Felix could still chase her dream, but this time, with Jisu in it. And because of her, Felix started to let go of Julliard—
“Jisu?”
—Or so she thought.
SWEATY/STICKY PART THREE
Felix’s bedroom is still hot—not in the stifling way it was outside, but a sticky, stuffy sort of hot. Jisu’s shirt is glued to her back. Her palms are clammy.
The door closes with a firm shut.
Felix’s brown curls are sticking to the back of her neck. Jisu watches, tongue heavy and dry, as Felix turns back around from the door and faces her. She’s holding a lemonade glass that’s wet with condensation. It sweats in the palm of her hand.
Jisu forces her gaze back up.
Felix’s face is drawn. Her eyebrows furrow with a sorrowful emotion. Her lips are drawn into a light frown. Her eyes are swimming pools of regret.
“Jisu,” Felix sighs. She sets down the lemonade on a nearby bookshelf. Her voice is barely audible.
“When were you going to tell me?”
“Jisu...”
“ When ,” Jisu urges, and her voice is a croak.
Felix doesn’t respond.
“You’re not going to Scripps, are you,” Jisu spits, anger rising. Felix gaze drops to the floor. “ Are you, Felix? ” It’s practically a yell.
She hesitates. Licks her lips. “No,” she whispers, and the single, silent syllable split Jisu’s heart into two. “Jisu, I’m—”
“Oh, okay,” Jisu cuts in, and she should be disappointed but it's anger that’s rolling through her in waves. “You were just going to lie to me until the day you left, right? Pretend I never existed. Skip off to New York and leave me here? Alone?”
“I—” Felix blinks. “I wanted—” she makes a choked sound, and then she’s crying, tears streaming down her face. She’s sniffling and it’s terrible because Jisu did that, it’s Jisu’s fault, and it’s funny because she wants to go over and comfort her but she can’t. There’s an empty cavern between them now.
Jisu wraps her arms around herself. The anger dims to this dull, silent roar. Resolves into loneliness. A whisper leaves her lips. “You could’ve at least told me.”
Felix’s head snaps up. Her eyes are stormy now, rolling with anger. “It’s not like that would’ve done anything,” she bites, voice throaty and cloaked with tears. “You just wanted your stupid idea in the first place.”
Jisu’s mouth falls open. The anger sharpens, hones to a ringing sound in the back of her brain. “ Stupid—”
“It’s all fucking stupid!” Felix explodes. “Scripps is stupid! This whole... idea is stupid! This is not a fucking movie, Jisu. You need to get your head out of your ass and realize that. You can’t expect us to be attached to each other’s hips for the rest of our lives! Not when all you care about is roller derby and I can’t even fucking walk properly without this brace , let alone skate —”
“You told me you’re getting surgery!”
“It might go wrong, Jisu!” Felix exclaims. “Because I waited so long, the doctor said there’s a higher chance of it not even doing anything. I could get worse. I could be in a wheelchair for the rest of my goddamn life.”
Jisu sucks in a sharp breath. Something at the back of her heart twists with remorse, but it’s anger speaking when she says, “So fucking off to New York and not telling me is the solution to that?”
Felix looks her directly in the eye. “It’s better than sitting around and being glued to you.”
A punch to the stomach. Jisu almost doubles over. Her heart is shattering all over again. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes I do!” Felix shouts, throwing out her hands. She hits the lemonade glass and tips directly over and shatters. Lemonade seeps into the frog-shaped rug on Felix’s floor.
Both stare at the growing stain on the rug.
They had bought that rug together at a thrift shop. Jisu had told her to bring it to their dorm when they were going to college together. And Felix—Felix had fucking nodded . Smiled.
Jisu slowly looks up from the rug, fuming. “You’re a liar.” Her vision is clouding with fiery red. “You’re a goddamn, fucking liar.”
Felix glares. “I’m not lying.”
“You did . You lied about being excited for Scripps. You made me believe you were happy.” She’s pointing at Felix in accusation. Her gaze drops to the sunflower bracelet on her arm. Something in her shatters.
“You broke the promise,” Jisu says, voice a whisper. “You told me you’d stay.”
“We were kids,” Felix says. Her voice is empty. “It was a stupid promise.”
“I believed it. I believed everything you said.” She sucks in a breath. “I thought our friendship meant enough to you. The fact that you couldn’t even tell me—”
“I wanted to, okay? I wanted to.” Felix sighs, ragged. “I was scared you’d get mad at me. I almost did, actually. On the day of graduation. I was hoping you’d understand, you’d support me.” She looks down at the stain on her rug. “I guess I was right to chicken out.”
It’s another punch in the stomach. She opens her mouth. Closes it.
“I always hated skating,” Felix says suddenly. The words are enough to draw another breath out of Jisu’s chest. “Despised it. After my ankles got messed up, I was glad that I couldn’t anymore. And then you picked up on it, and you loved it. And it’s funny, because when you tried to get me back into skating after my ankles got a little better, I didn’t even hate it that much anymore. But I didn’t skate again because it was your thing. I didn’t want to steal your thing.”
Felix looks down and grabs the daisy charm on her bracelet. Starts playing with it. “But as I got older, I realized that yeah, skating was your thing, but I was too. And I loved being your best friend, but it was stifling, because you never could let me be my own person. Even now. It’s fucking infuriating.”
Loved being your best friend . Loved. Past tense.
Felix starts unclasping her bracelet.
“I think it’s my fault. I made the whole twins thing a big deal, I was the one who brought you out of your shell, who made it a point to be wherever you were at first. But I think you’re better off without me.” Her voice splinters. “And I’m better off without you.”
The bracelet falls to the ground.
The bracelets were Felix’s idea.
Jisu feels hollow.
“I’m going to New York,” Felix says, voice final. “Keep your promise, and don’t do anything stupid because of me, like follow me there.”
“Why should I keep the promise,” Jisu hears herself say.
“Because I never broke mine. You said to stay with you as long as you can .” She gestured at the broken glass, at the bracelet on the floor. “I can’t anymore, Ji.”
The nickname is the nail in the coffin. Jisu’s legs move before her brain. She walks past Felix, around the glass. She opens the door and starts to leave. The sticky heat comes back to her in a wave.
The exit is final, cemented. She glances back to see Felix’s back still turned and it hits her that this might be the last time she sees Felix in a while. In forever.
Her next words spill out of her mouth without thought.
“I love you.”
Felix is still. “I did too.”
The door shuts with a click.
SEEDED GRAPES...(FT. A LOT MONEY SPENT)
“No way this is ten dollars.” Jisu stares at the grapes incredulously.
“It’s $9.50, ma’am.”
Jisu raises her head to the store clerk, annoyance sharpening her tongue. “Plus tax. So, ten dollars.”
The clerk actually rolls his eyes. He looks young, freshly out of high school, maybe. Severely lacking sleep, too, judging by the twin dark circles. Jisu would feel bad for him if she wasn’t two seconds away from strangling him. “Are you buying this or should I put it back?”
Fuming, Jisu smacks a ten dollar bill on the counter.
“Tax is $0.32. You need thirty-two more cents.”
Two quarters join the bill.
The clerk keeps the change without Jisu asking. She doesn’t care. Not much you can do with eighteen cents, anyway.
The transaction only catches up to her when she’s in her car. The fancy paper bag filled with seeded grapes sits in the passenger seat. She stares at it blankly.
She just bought ten dollar organic seeded grapes at a fancy grocery store. It’s almost hilarious. She’d laugh, if the implications of the purchase weren't so heavy that her eyes still burn with tears when she thinks of it.
She can practically see her roommate, Hyunjin’s, response. Practically hear Hyunjin cry “ Why ,” in Korean because she’s a dramatic asshole.
Practically see Hyunjin’s face fall when Jisu reveals seeded grapes were Felix’s favorite. Hear the way she’d comfort her like she talks to the kids she teaches.
Jisu’s hands turn white as she grips the steering wheel.
At least the mental picture of Hyunjin’s crestfallen face replaces the memory of Felix’s grin as she ate seeded grapes.
“Why the fuck are there seeded grapes in the fridge?”
Every bone in Jisu’s body stiffens. She sees Hyunjin glance at her out of the corner of her eye.
“Drunken escapade,” Hyunjin says smoothly, not a single second late. She walks over to where Jeongin holds the fancy bag of grapes by the fridge and plucks them smoothly out of her hand. “They’re a memorial now.”
“You got drunk and bought expensive organic seeded grapes,” Jeongin deadpans. She looks over to where Jisu is sitting at the table and raises an eyebrow. “Did you know about this?”
Jisu opens her mouth, panic rising fast and hot.
“She tried to stop me, but to avoid me having a breakdown in the middle of a bougie grocery store five minutes before closing, she let me buy them.” God bless Hyunjin.
“How drunk were you?” Jeongin says slowly, suspicion still covering her features.
“I had a couple shots of Pink Whitney.”
“Ah,” Jeongin nods, because Pink Whitney can explain the most catastrophic events. She glances back at the grapes in Hyunjin’s hand and shakes her head a little. “You didn’t even eat them.”
(Jisu had gone home. Plucked a single grape from the bunch, washed it, and put it in her mouth. Her teeth crunched the seed in the middle and she had thrown up.)
“Like I said,” Hyunjin sniffs, placing the grapes back into the fridge. “They’re a memorial.”
(The grapes were shoved in the back of the fridge and forgotten. Jisu didn’t have the heart to throw all of them away.)
“Of drunkenness?” Seunghee chimes as she enters the kitchen. Jisu doesn’t want to know how long she’s been listening.
“Yes, but also the dangers of capitalism,” Hyunjin says, whatever that means. She throws herself into Seunghee’s arms. “The tax rounded it up to over ten dollars,” she bemoans. “Why is tax so high, lovie?”
“Inflation rates are rising,” Seunghee says humorously. “Everything is getting more expensive.”
“I love it when you speak economy to me,” Hyunjin sighs, making heart-eyes at Seunghee. Seunghee rolls her eyes and presses a kiss to her nose, then Jeongin is whining and gagging, and Jisu is laughing, and seeded grapes are forgotten.
Jisu makes a mental note to buy Hyunjin something the next time she’s out. Preferably not grapes.
HAIR COLOR AND BRAND CHANGES
“You’re so much different now,” her mom says to Jisu for the upteenth time. She somehow manages to squeeze her even tighter in the vice-grip she’s already trapped in, swaying her back and forth. “It’s like my daughter changed right in front of me.”
Jisu writhes in her mom’s grasp, but it’s a half-assed effort. She’s missed the embrace of her mother for so long that her suffocating hugs are secure. “I just changed my hair.”
“Which changes everything!” Her mom finally releases her and holds her at arm's length. There’s a sad-smile on her lips. “You told me you’d never touch your hair after you started dying it blue.”
After Felix started telling her to dye it blue, Jisu thinks. A wave of bitterness—the taste of a fruit gone bad and stinging on the tongue—washes over her.
“It’s a nice color—well, colors,” Jisu’s mom continues. “The mix of black and blonde is gorgeous. Isn’t it, honey?”
Jisu’s dad nods from where he’s standing next to his wife. He tilts his head slightly. “It’s nice, but it’ll take some getting used to.”
“I know!” Her mom exclaims. “This color is just so unlike you!”
“Not in a bad way,” her dad says hurriedly. “It’s just like… you changed your brand.”
Changed it for the better or worse? Jisu wants to ask. I’m trying to separate myself from Felix. Is it working? Am I healing?
Who are you kidding, a voice in Jisu’s head hisses. You say you’re moving on, but you still have Felix saved as your emergency contact. You are still going to Scripps. You still have the bracelet hanging from your wrist.
It’s true. Changing her appearance won't change the effect Felix has on her heart.
CONGRATS
lixie 🌚👹
March 13th, 5:31 PM
i heard your single, it’s really good! congrats on the release :)
Delivered
June 7th, 2:18 PM
congrats on the album!
Delivered
September 15th, 1:26 AM
happy birthday!
Not Delivered
November 20th, 9:32 AM
congrats on the grammy nomination
Delivered
December 31st, 11:55 PM
ffuck you jfelix
why dont u respokf yo my texts
you hahent said happy birthfay to me
rmbr whej we used to send tects on our britfhay
why didjt u send me a text
i hatenyou
no thatd a lie
i miss oyu
i lovr uou
do u loge me too
plez say u lovr me too
please
pleaee
felix
fine
FYCK UOU
I DONT WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN
Delivered
january 1st, 12:44 PM
sorry
drunk
Delivered
we were supposed to get drunk together when we turned 21
Not Delivered
February 17th, 1:38 AM
congrats on the grammy i guess
i couldve been celebrating with you
Not Delivered
when you said you loved me
did you mean it the way i did
could we have been something more than friends if i didnt fuck it up?
Not Delivered
HOLLOW
College graduation is bittersweet.
The morning of, Jisu doesn’t get out of bed right away. She stares at the ceiling. Thinks about the last graduation she was in. Thinks about how she dreamed of this moment when she was younger. She was eighteen-years-old and held onto the idea of Scripps like a lifeline. She dreamed of graduating from Scripps feeling successful, happy.
She dreamed that Felix would be by her side.
This thought is enough to glue her to her bed like she was bound to it. Her mind is churning and her heart is twisting. She doesn’t get out of bed until Hyunjin peeks into her room and tells her to get ass up, and even then she feels hollow. She left her heart behind on that bed, the heart that is rolling with memories of thoughts of Felix.
Jisu tries going the whole day without thinking about Felix. It works, for a while. She forgets about the brightness of Felix’s smile when Jeongin beams at her after she gets her diploma. She forgets the way that Felix would always check her pulse when she’s nervous when Seunghee says her heart was racing as they announced her name. Even when Felix’s new single rings in the restaurant after the ceremony, Jisu has no time to dwell on it because Hyunjin is drunkenly yelling about the dangers of fast fashion and it drowns out the purr of Felix’s voice.
And then she gets home, and it shatters. Jisu opens Instagram as she’s curled in bed, seconds away from falling asleep, and the first thing she sees is Felix’s face.
She’s plastered on a billboard. She’s looking straight at the camera, fingers resting softly near her lip. Her gaze is soft, but liquidly seductive. A line of sunlight crosses diagonally across her face and illuminates her skin. She has minimal makeup, so all her freckles are on display—all the way down to her collarbones and shoulders. Her hair is wavy, chopped short and bleached platinum blonde, making her look ethereal. A white dress slips off the side of her shoulder.
“FELIX” the bold, dark text reads. “INDIE’S UPCOMING STAR.”
The picture doesn’t even focus on the billboard. The focal point is Beomgyu, more of Hyunjin’s friend than Jisu’s, posing in Times Square with a myriad of signs and billboards behind her. Jisu should’ve seen Beomgyu first. But her eyes immediately went to Felix.
Jisu falls down a rapid, rushing rabbit hole. She finds Felix’s Instagram—unfollowed a long, long time ago. Felix’s profile picture is a close up of her on her side, laying in the grass. Her eyes are closed and she’s laughing. There’s a verified check near her name.
Her most recent post takes Jisu’s breath away.
She’s in a flowy, long, yellow dress made out of light material—chiffon, maybe? The ruffle trim and neckline should look tacky but on Felix it makes her look like a delicate doll. And the yellow. Even in the dark lighting—akin to a polaroid—the color brings out the softness of her skin, makes her glow. Her eyes are shut and her lips are pulled into a light smile.
sang because i like you on jimmy fallon!!! watch now xx , the caption reads. She stares at the “xx” so long her eyes start swimming.
Felix used to use “xx” in all her texts to Jisu. good luck xx , i’m outside xx, shut up before i stab you xx.
hugs and kisses xx.
Jisu’s heart hurts.
She keeps scrolling. Felix at a modeling gig. Felix in a mirror selfie. Felix with her natural dark hair.
(She pretends that she doesn’t stare at Felix’s arms in every picture, looking for a bracelet that’s never there.)
Jisu pauses at a picture at a table. There’s a vaguely familiar man seated in a chair. He’s looking to his side, where—
where Felix’s face is pressed towards his cheek in a kiss.
She’s standing behind him. Her arms are loosely wrapped around his neck. The man has his hand on her arm. He’s smiling widely, and even with her face turned, Jisu can tell that Felix is too.
This is genuine affection, Jisu’s mind says. This is love.
Her heart plummets.
She finds the man’s instagram. His name is Daniel. He’s an actor—that's why he was familiar. He’s tall and lean and has fluffy brown hair and an Australian accent, as seen through a video in one of his posts. He’s a year older than Felix. He and Felix have been dating for ten months.
She falls down another rabbit hole. She looks at compilations of their interactions on Youtube. She sees Felix singing a song dedicated to him at the Grammys. Daniel is spotted in the background of Felix’s music video set.
They’re so clearly dedicated to each other it’s sickening. It carves a deeper hole into her chest and the hollowness is aching .
0 NIGHT STAND
“So. You’re American.”
Jisu watches as Minhee slowly stirs her cocktail with the straw. Her movement is languid, but elegant, like everything about her. It’s reminiscent of a cat.
“Uh, yeah,” Jisu says slowly. “I lived in California until I graduated college.” She prays her Korean isn’t too awkward or fumbly. She’s known Korean her entire life but she hasn’t spoken it conversationally until she moved and it’s taking an axe to all of the flirty confidence she had back in college.
What flirty confidence, her mind taunts. You could never keep a girl for over a week.
Jisu takes another hurried sip of her margarita.
Minhee hums, pursing her scarlet red lips. She lets go of the straw and looks Jisu right in the eyes. “Why’d you leave?”
A knife to the heart. The alcohol on her tongue suddenly tastes sour.
The bracelet on her arm aches with a familiar burn. She glances at it, despite it being hidden under the sleeves of her arm. She swallows around the lump in her throat.
“I needed to run away,” Jisu says.
Minhee is all sharp, elegant angles and deadly stares. She kisses Jisu with a toxic passion and touches her with lethal poise. It feels good.
(It’s not Felix).
They end up on the bed. Jisu is panting, Minhee is giving her that piercing sultry stare, and—
(Felix is all soft edges and pillowly warmth. She’s warm, gooey chocolate on your tongue and soft brushes on your skin.)
—she’s leaning in, and she’s pinning her wrists up, and her fingers close around the bracelet and—
(Felix’s hands are flitting around her wrist. She leans in close as she secures the clasp on Jisu’s bracelet.)
—she’s whispering, “Are you gonna take this off? It’s going to get in the way”—
(They call it heliotropism: sunflowers moving to face the sun as they grow, following the light. Jisu’s bracelet has a sunflower because she is following the light and that light is Felix.)
“No,” Jisu gasps. She jerks her wrist out of Minhee’s grasp and holds it towards her chest.
Minhee doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t show any sign of annoyance or disappointment. She does the opposite: crosses her arms, sits back on her heels, and fixes her with a light smile. “I figured as much.”
Jisu opens her mouth. Closes it. “Wh—Huh?”
“You said you were running away,” Minhee responds. She dips her head toward Jisu’s arm. “But you can’t run from something that you hold close to you.”
Jisu’s heart pounds in her ears.
“You’re never going to move on like this.” It’s said pointedly, as a matter-of-fact. “I’m not sure you even want to move on.” She gingerly gets out of bed, wraps a stray bathrobe around her figure. “I think you should talk to her.”
Jisu’s mind reels. The fading adrenaline from the past ten minutes has warped into a flurry of confusion and realization and longing .
“I can’t,” Jisu whispers. She recoils into herself, the words reverbating internally. “I can’t talk to her. She’s moved on.”
Minhee stares at her for a long time with that piercing gaze. Then: “I doubt it.”
Jisu blinks.
“She probably loves you the same way you love her.” Minhee gaze drops down the bracelet and back up to Jisu’s eyes. “Maybe she left because that scared her.”
You told me to stay as long as you can. I can’t anymore, Ji.
“Fear of commitment is a bitch, Jisu.” Minhee picks a cigarette out a box on a nearby dresser and moves towards the door. “It scares us away from the things we love.”
AND
Jisu learns Felix breaks up with Daniel. “I wanted something he couldn’t give me,” her singular account to the media says.
AND—
Jisu learns Felix is going on tour. Her last stop is in San Francisco, which is an hour away from their hometown.
AND.
Jisu learns that daisies have heliotropism, too.
BUMPER-TO-BUMPER
“You should’ve told me you were in Korea,” Chris says, simultaneously slamming a foot on the brake seconds before he collides into the stopped vehicle in front of him. No one is phased, all too used to California traffic. “You could’ve crashed with me and Binnie.”
“I wouldn’t have minded,” Binnie—Or Changbin, as he introduced himself as—chimes in from the front passenger seat.
Jisu shrugs, cheeks red with embarrassment. “It’s not like I talked to you outside of Felix.” She’s able to say her name without inwardly shattering, now.
“Still,” Chris huffs. He turns around to reach over and ruffle Jisu’s hair. It’s blue again. Jisu never thought she’d be able to touch blue hair dye after Felix left. “You’re basically my sister, too.”
The seedling of regret that has been growing for years blooms a little more. How much has her devastation and desperation for a new life driven her away from the things she once loved? How much of a lifetime has she wasted away licking her wounds and yearning for what could’ve been?
“It’s nice,” Chris continues, after a beat of silence. The bumper-to-bumper traffic inches forward and he eases off the brake. “Everyone’s finally home.”
A WEEK OR TWO BEFOREHAND:
“It’s not a bad idea, right?” Jisu grips the phone tightly. “She won’t hate me?”
“I think it’s the exact opposite,” Chris’ voice crackles over the speaker. “She loves you.”
HANDMADE SIGNS
The concert hall is crowded and stuffy. People hold posters and signs with Felix’s name and face. WE LOVE YOU FELIX! BISEXUALS FOR FELIX! SMILE IF YOU SEE THIS FELIX! It almost makes Jisu feel stupid for not bringing her own. But what would it say? I’M SORRY FELIX! I MISS YOU FELIX! GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE FELIX!
TELL ME YOU WERE LYING AND YOU LOVE ME TOO FELIX! TAKE ME BACK AND WE CAN START SOMETHING NEW AND TENDER AND THIS TIME I WILL LISTEN TO YOU FELIX!
MANTRA
The opening act sings their last song and it suddenly hits Jisu that Felix will be just three feet away from her. In the flesh. This realization slams her in the chest with exhilaration but it brings an aftertaste of fear. What if Felix sees her? What if she is disgusted?
You broke the promise, a reminder floats to the front of her mind. You flew all the way here just for her. Bought tickets in the front row that you really couldn’t afford.
Jisu swallows. That was years ago. They were both different back then. Felix will understand.
She repeats these three sentences like a mantra. She holds on to them when the lights close, the air changes, and the crowd starts roaring.
And then Felix appears on stage.
She’s glowing. There’s a fuzzy yellow sweater hanging off her shoulder. Her hair is woven into intricate double braids. She raises her arm up to wave, and immediately Jisu makes a choked noise.
There’s a bracelet with a singular daisy charm on Felix’s wrist.
YEARNING
Jisu's chest feels full. There are goosebumps riding along her skin. Felix’s beautiful voice is ringing and floating into her and if she closes her eyes she imagines all those years back—Felix singing karaoke, Felix screaming along with the radio on the open road, Felix singing in a talent show at school. Back in that talent show, Felix had glanced in her direction every so often. She held onto the mic tightly and her leg was jittering, but her body calmed every time she’d make eye contact with Jisu. Jisu would shoot her a smile and mouth encouraging words, and then Felix’s eyes would crinkle and she’d lose herself in the song once again.
There’s a need to do that now. For Felix to look at her and relax. The yearning that’s been present with her since Felix got on that plane to New York rings in her mind even stronger.
Yearning sings out when Felix tells the crowd she loves them in between songs. Yearning sings out when Felix smiles brightly. Yearning sings out when Felix sings “Because I Like You” and creeps closer to the edge of the stage. Yearning as Felix’s eyes skim the crowd. Yearning as she blows someone a kiss. Yearning—
Felix’s eyes drop towards her. Every last breath of oxygen is sucked out of the room.
Her singing falters. Her eyes don’t crinkle upwards. Her shoulders don’t relax.
But briefly, an emotion reminiscent of yearning flashes in her eyes. And that is enough.
HOMECOMING
“Thank you all so much for tonight,” Felix announces onstage, a smile on her lips. The venue lights are twinkling and bring out the glitter dashed over her freckles. “Being back home is wonderful, but you’ve made my return so much more special. I’m so happy I’m home. Sor—” She readjusts her grip on the mic and glances in Jisu’s direction. “Sorry for not coming home sooner.”
The crowd cheers. Yells it’s okay and we love you . Jisu is silent. She couldn’t move even if she wanted to.
“I’ve,” Felix starts, and there are tears welling in her eyes. “I’ve missed home so much. It’s been so long. All my family, and my friends—” her voice cracks. It's a painful, painful sound that sends a hush over the auditorium and a knife into Jisu’s heart.
The crowd awhs . There are tears welling in Jisu’s eyes but all she wants to do is run up on stage and hold Felix in her arms. You’re home now, she’d say. It’s okay.
Felix sniffles, eyes red and watery. “You all mean a lot to me.” Her voice wobbles with every word, but she doesn’t falter. “Having you here, in a place I hold so many dear memories of, it’s truly amazing. Thank you all so much.”
Another glance in Jisu’s direction.
“I love you.”
The crowd roars.
LOVER (THE FINALE)
“You were right,” Jisu says quietly into her phone.
The night passes by quietly behind the windows. Jisu is warm. Her head still kind of hurts from the crying and her seatbelt is pressing against her chest too much, but she’s calm. Content.
“I’m always right.” Minhee remarks. Jisu still can see Minhee’s smirk as she says those words despite only being able to hear her voice. “What did she say?”
“Everything you said. She left because she was scared of commitment with me. She said she didn’t say she loved me then because she was trying to convince herself. She thought that if she admitted she loved me, she wouldn’t be able to leave.” Jisu smiles. “But it obviously wasn’t true.”
Minhee hums, clearly amused. “Have you kissed her yet?”
Jisu almost drops her phone. “ Unnie !” she hisses.
“Genuine question.”
A flush creeps up her face. “Uhh… Yeah…” She glances down at where Felix is curled underneath her arm and smiles softly. “I kissed her to stop her from babbling too much.”
Felix smacks her in the stomach then flips her off. Jisu just smiles wider.
“ Score ,” Minhee exclaims. “I should’ve bet on this.”
“Were you seriously considering capitalizing on my relationship?” Jisu cries, offended. Though, she doesn’t say it too loud, because the car they’re in is silent and Felix is sleeping—well, pretending to sleep—next to her. “I take back all my gratitude towards you.”
“No you don’t,” Minhee snorts. “And how dare you call me a capitalist. I’ll strangle you.”
“Do it,” Felix murmurs into Jisu’s chest, voice a tired mumble. “She deserves it for calling me stinky.”
“I didn’t call you stinky,” Jisu protests, taken aback by Felix’s sudden audacity. “I just said you smelled like sweat.”
“You called your lover stinky?” Minhee gasps. “That’s low, Han.”
The word lover slams into her, sending fireworks running up her arm. Lover . She mouths the word to herself, bounces it around in her brain. Lover . She’s brought back to a mere—what, 45 minutes ago?—when Felix had grabbed her by the shoulders in that room backstage and told her she was in love with her. The shock from that moment hasn’t fully left. Her body is still wound up, reeling from excitement and disbelief. Felix still feels unreal to her underneath her fingertips. Lover .
“Did you die,” Minhee calls, her voice a sudden snap back into reality, “or are you busy making out with your lover .” She’s a menace.
“Unnie, I’m hanging up now,” Jisu grumbles. Felix is giggling.
“It’s late there, hm? Maybe I should let you rest.” A pause. “Or whatever you’re going to do tonight. Bye~” She hangs up before Jisu can hiss out an angry retort. Jisu’s ears are red. Felix is full-on laughing now, the melodic sound filling the otherwise silent car. “Be quiet,” Jisu grumbles, but there’s no real heat behind it. The sheer sound of Felix’s laughter is enough to dull her annoyance and embarrassment.
“I like her,” Felix murmurs. She grabs onto Jisu’s shirt a bit and snuggles closer to her, which seems almost impossible given their closeness already. “I want to meet her.”
Jisu hums. “Maybe sometime in the future.”
And it’s that word—future. There’s so much she has to do in the future. She has to figure out if she’s going back to Korea after this. And if she isn’t, she has to figure out when she’s going to get the rest of her stuff from her tiny apartment. She has to determine how long she’s going to be at home. She has to catch up with Hyunjin, Seunghee and Jeongin. She has to go see Felix’s parents. She has to spend time with Bbama. She has to give Minhee and Chris a proper thank you. She has to get back on the rink. She has to buy a new pair of skates. She has to lace her old ones, for old times sake.
Jisu has a lot of things to do in the future. She regrets a lot of things in the past. But she will focus on the present, because in the present, Felix loves her. Loves . Present-tense, not past tense.
HELIOTROPISM
When heliotropes mature, they stop needing to constantly move towards the sun. They orient themselves in one place and grow.
Jisu is no longer yearning or moving to face Felix. Felix is planted right beside her, and they will grow together.
