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“If one of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?” El had said, mocking something Hopper had said about Max “'leading her in the wrong direction' or whatever."
The party laughed, and Dustin said, “we know Mike would.”
Suddenly, all eyes had turned to him, and his smile faded once he realized no one else took his comment as a joke. Mostly they had just looked confused.
“Like, the thing with me and Troy back when Will was missing?” he had needed to clarify, his voice pitching up at the end evidence of the growing tension of the situation, looking to Lucas for support.
But Max was the next to speak. “Wheeler did what ?”
That was how Dustin wound up telling the story of the time Mike was a bit too willing to jump into Sattler Quarry, to jump off the cliff it was believed Will had fallen from, of how Will had said he and Mike needed to “have a talk" – and how mike had wound up in the Byers’s shed with Will while the rest of the party remained anxiously inside.
“Why did you do it?”
“Dustin just–”
“No!” Will cut him off, Mike shrinking at the anger in his friend’s tone, “why were you so willing to just throw your life away like that?”
All Mike could say was, “Oh.”
“Yeah… oh."
Then, “why didn’t you tell me?” Will asked, softer than before, though a bit more accusatory than intended.
“I dunno,” Mike shrugged, sinking to the dust-coated floor, “I guess I didn’t want to be a burden to you, especially with everything you were going through.”
“Listen to me,” Will replied, sitting beside him, suddenly serious. He fought hard the urge to take the other boy’s face in his hands to make him look up from his lap, “I lo– look. I– I mean…” he faltered, “you are my best friend.” – that was safe, that was true – “I’m always here for you. Always. You will never be a burden to me, understand?”
And that was all it took to make Mike crumble. He lay his head against Will’s shoulder and finally let himself cry. Will dared to take his hand, and – much to his relief – Mike was more than willing to interlace their fingers.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, his voice choked and muffled as he tried to nuzzle his face into the crook of Will’s neck, hiding his tears, hiding his heart.
“Yes you do. You deserve to have people who love you, Mike. And I–” hesitantly, “I love you.”
“We all do,” he quickly added when Mike didn’t respond.
“You wouldn’t if you knew the truth.”
Will nudged him, urged him to look up. “Let’s find out then,” and he tried to laugh, but it was stifled by the lump in his throat, his heartbeat quickening, ringing in his ears as he wondered if Mike had understood his side of the truth.
Mike did shift, did sit up a bit; and the redness of his swollen eyes would have broken Will’s heart had it not already belonged to Mike.
“I want to,” he began,” I do, it’s just… scary. So scary.”
Words burned behind Will’s lips, as did recollections of a certain cross-country road trip, but all he could offer was a nod, silently telling Mike to go on. And he did, the words tumbling out, rushed, frantic, emotional.
“I’ve just felt so lost, so empty, so numb for years now – ever since I lost you. And I almost feel like I never truly got you back. And I know a lot of that is my fault. I hated having to watch you suffer and I guess I didn’t cope well, but I couldn’t not be there for you. It felt so fucking good to be with you, to help you. To protect you. For once, I felt like you needed me, like I wasn’t just some weirdo who needed you so I wasn’t such a loner, a loser. I felt wanted.
“Until you didn’t need me anymore, but El did – or, at least, I thought she did. But that’s not the point. It was only – I wanted to feel normal, but no matter how hard I tried, I didn’t – and being around you just made it worse; so I wound up pushing you away in the process, which sucked. God I missed you so much last summer, before you even left me, left Hawkins. Because by then, you didn’t even want me anymore.
“And then you were on the other side of the country, and I thought I’d,” finally he paused, took a breath as though catching himself saying something he hadn’t wanted to. He closed his eyes, steadying his breathing, lowering his voice which had been growing in volume, in feeling, as he pressed on, “I thought I’d get over you, but it just got worse – like I was missing a part of myself that I needed to survive. And I felt like I couldn’t live, I had no reason to live.
“I tried to act like it was because of El, and maybe everyone believed that it was. I may have even sent her so many letters as a way of overcompensating, as a way of reminding myself that this – that she – was what I was supposed to want.
“But I didn’t. I don’t. And I felt too comfortable sitting down to write to you – too many words I dared not speak, words I should have been saying to your face, things I should have said before you left, things I shouldn’t have been thinking about my best friends, about– about a… boy. And I shouldn’t have been signing those letters to you the way I couldn’t to my girlfriend.
“And the line was always busy. I tried to call, just to hear your voice and I never got to. Speaking was easy, speaking was safe – but apparently not since I’m a fucking mess just speaking now.” He tried to laugh, but it sounded pitiful. “It hurt that I couldn’t talk to you, that I couldn’t tell you why."
“But now I guess I can: I feel hollow without you, Will. When we’re together, everything seems ok, even my– my feelings. But without you,” his voice cracked, and he took more time than before to collect himself, to find his voice amid the tears flowing as freely down his ruddy cheeks as the words that spilled from his mouth. “I didn’t want to go on without you; and I thought that you’d be better off without me – that everyone would – and you’d never have to know how I truly felt. You could remember me the way I wanted everyone to think I was – not as a disgusting freak.”
He looked down, fearing now more than ever to meet Will’s kind eyes.
“I would– I would do things to– I would do anything to feel, just to feel something – something other than nothingness, something other than longing, something,” he dared to reach out, to wrap his hands around Will’s calves as he admitted, “something other than love for my best friend – a different love than I feel for my other friends. A love that I should feel for my girlfriend; but I don't. I can’t.”
These last words hung in the air, electrifying the space between them. Mike felt exhausted, but also relieved. Will was frozen as everything he heard began to register in his mind. And he was crying. He hadn’t even noticed when the tears started to fall, but as his vision blurred the longer he looked at Mike falling apart at his feet, the colder his face felt.
So he lent closer to Mike, not stopping himself from taking his face in his hands when he softly, gently kissed him.
It was feather light and fast, and Mike hardly had time to process what was happening before it was over. So, when Will pulled away, he chased him back, seeking a high that was doubly rewarded, finding something so sweet and good – so right. And as he pushed further, as he let his arms reach around Will, he felt a twinge of jealousy spark in his swelling heart when his mind drifted to theories as to why Will seemed like a very good kisser. Jealousy bubbled, possessiveness took hold when he pulled Will closer, held him tighter; until dispelled by the sound of Will’s musical laugh, even if it was still a bit groggy from their tears.
“Sorry if that was shit,” Will said shyly, “I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
God, if that didn’t make Mike love him even more, the smile he received when he assured him, “it was perfect,” certainly did.
He pulled Will into a suffocating hug, finally at a loss for words, practically climbing on top of him to get as close as possible.
“Please never forget how much you are loved – how much you deserve to be loved,” Will said, squeezing him back, “because even if things get tough, I swear I’ll never let you go.”
And Mike laughed, “that’s enough,” truly laughed, kissing along Will's jaw until he found his lips once more, “your love is all I need.”