Work Text:
It's me. Jihyun Kim.
Writing my name feels surreal, but I’ve been advised to write my real name. They say it reinforces true identity.
But I must say, I cannot imagine writing my own birth name would be uncomfortable… until now. It is as though it isn’t mine to begin with.
I suppose, it’s a similar reason why I chose a pseudonym. A simple but firm letter that does not curve or twist. It is as straightforward as it is strong: V. Both of which we, essentially, are not.
But this is not how I normally write an introduction.
Is it really alright for me to not crumple this letter and write up a new one?
As you can see from my mistakes, I am unsure how to begin this. It’s been so long I’ve seen my own handwriting too.
I’m sorry. Even from this simple task I’m already failing.
Oh. I almost forgot. The primary requisite of writing this letter is to not apologize but to express gratitude. But for your sake and for mine, let me apologize once more. Organizing my thoughts requires more decluttering, it seems.
Truly, I thank everyone for being patient with me thus far. It’s unfathomable how you all have been thoroughly patient with me. I’ve been nothing but a burden. And yet
It’s thanks to their support that you are still here with me. I know how… pathetic and a coward I was being. I still am now. But I am slowly learning not to be. Parts of me are gradually unfolding. Piece by piece I am starting to see how they all fall into place with their encouragement.
Remember how you had finished that blank white puzzle? I believe it was more than a thousand pieces. You took time and energy to slot each to where they belong. I am doing the same right now to you. Bit by bit.
I hope that day will come when you will no longer feel like a soul unworthy to be your vessel, because I was unable to nurture your superego you are born with from the start. To no longer feel lost.
No, I’ll make that happen. With my effort. With everyone’s support.
I know it’ll be a very excruciating process. It’s difficult to be with me after all. But I won’t falter. Not anymore.
As Jumin said, every second you try to improve means a minute of improvement. And every minute you spend to improve yourself can lead to hours and so forth. Or so he says, if I remember correctly…
His approach is too.. methodical, but it is nonetheless right.
A tree was first and foremost a seed. And it is with proper care that it grows into a firm stalk.
Admittedly, I’m far from the stage where I’m feeling proud of myself. But I am beginning to. I've been making some sketches illustrated by piqued interest, without a care of its deeper meaning.
As you know, I drew a lilac humbly dancing in the wind that quickly caught my eye and gave me an intriguing impression, without much thought. I've only minded how I was allowed to catch such a beautiful sight, with my hand given the ability to recreate it into an art.
Day by day, I am drawing for myself.
Drawing for others, if I am still concerned about that, can come later.
Days, months, years from now... when there may come a time you have once again stumbled into your own pit of darkness, clawing out for light, I hope this letter has reached you. I hope this letter serves as your memoir to remind you it’ll be better— even if on some days you may not be. Dawn will come.
I've knocked you over and become broken, but I will collect you and bring you back together with gold. No matter how deep you are under the dirt, I’ll dig you up and unravel you. I know it will be very difficult, but I will learn— to cherish you.
Even if it takes a lifetime, I will.
Even until my last breath, I will.
From now on, I’ll treasure you.
Sorry that I've been neglecting you. From now on, I'll do it right. From now on.
Let's embrace what the sun has been telling us all along through its immaculate gleam.
It’s high time... for us to apply our mother's teachings.
So, I'm saying this now: I love you.
Truly.
I love you.
Yours,
Jihyun Kim