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"Waking up in the morning's hard
I miss you even though it don't make sense
It's hurting in my chest to breathe
When all I see are stories of our love."
I wish you loved me.
I roll over in my bed. The only thing I can think about is Bruce.
We hadn’t really talked.
But I saw him around school.
We had math together and biology.
All I did was think about him.
About Bruce Yamada's stupid hair.
About how I wanted to listen to him talk about his obsession with baseball.
About how I wanted him to lock eyes with me as the sunlight hit his face making him look angelic.
About how I wanted him to lean on me the way he leans into his friends.
The way he leans into J-.
I snap up into a sitting position.
No.
I wasn't supposed to think about Jake.
Jake was Bruce's best friend. They were always together.
Always .
I straighten my back, getting up from my bed.
I had to get ready to go to school.
The clock next to my bed read 4 am.
School opened at 7.
I had to leave the house before my dad got up in an hour.
Or I would be nursing wounds on my way to school.
I had 3 reasons why I went to school.
One, my best friend, Finney.
He would probably sink Robin on me if I didn’t show up.
And even though I fought anyone.
I wouldn’t fight Robin.
We loved to fake fight.
We would just throw punches in the middle of class.
Or at the Grab n’ Go.
Finn would stand behind us and shake his head and end up walking away.
Me and Robin would frezze, blood dripping from our faces and hands.
We would lock eyes for a second and then start laughing.
Then we would chase after Finn.
Two, Bruce.
He never saw me.
Never looked at me or noticed me.
Even though I wanted him to.
Even though I wanted him.
I hate that I like him.
I hate him.
I hate having feelings for someone who doesn’t acknowledge me.
And three, if my father wasn't too drunk that day he would notice or pick up the call from the school saying I didn't come that day.
On Friday’s he couldn’t be drunk.
It was drug test day at his work.
So I could never skip Friday’s.
I slip out the door.
The air was starting to cool.
I didn’t bring a jacket.
No matter how cold it got.
I never wore a jacket.
I would prefer getting sick than having to go to school.
I would love to be bent over a toilet pucking my brains out.
Because if I had to go school.
I had to see Bruce.
I had to see Jake.
I had to see the hundreds of teachers I would disappoint for the next two years.
But two years.
Two years and then I can leave.
I can get out of this town.
Away from my dad, away from my feelings.
I stop at the sound of someone yelling my name.
I roll my eyes, I didn't even do anything.
I stick my hands into my pockets and turn around.
Officer Plage was sitting in his car, the passenger window rolled down.
"Vance it's 5 am."
I look down at my feet.
Trying not to make eye contact.
Plage knew me too well.
Whenever I was at the station, he would stay with me.
Even though I hadn’t been in over a year.
My gut told me if I lied, he would know.
I wasn't even that far from my house.
Bruce was clouding my mind so much that I forgot.
He's always on my mind.
While Finn is talking.
While he's talking about Robin.
While my teachers are talking.
He's always there.
The image of him is always so comforting.
His face blossoming into a smile in my mind, always makes me happier.
Bruce-
"Vance?"
I look up at him.
"What?"
I kick at the ground, tone hard.
"Why are you walking to school at 5 Vance?"
"Head start?"
I can almost hear his eyes roll.
He reaches over and opens the passenger door.
"In."
I'm still standing on my street.
The porch light of my house is on.
There's a figure in the window.
I know if I stay here any longer my dad will catch me.
Even if I run right now.
He'd catch me.
He always did.
I pass a hand over my left hip.
The pain flaring at the touch.
I sigh and duck into the car, closing the door tightly.
Plage drives up my street.
I keep my eyes on the front door.
I don't relax in the seat until we round the corner.
And I'm certain that he won't, that he can't catch me.
"You seem jumpy."
He states as he rounds the block next to mine.
Bruce's block.
Bruce who's probably asleep right now.
The Bruce that I want to hold me.
To hold me the way he holds Jake.
To talk to me and stare into my eyes like he does Jake.
I fucking hate Jake.
"Adding spacing out to a list of my concerns."
I don't answer him.
I just look ahead of me.
"Vance."
The urge to spill all my secrets, travels up my throat.
I couldn’t express my feelings.
Ever.
So I bottled them up.
And then they would explode.
I would vomit everything single thing I was keeping in.
Except my dad.
It’s the only thing I could keep a secret.
The only thing I could keep torturing myself with.
"I think- I think I like Bruce. But I don’t know for sure. We never talk and we never make eye contact. But something about him and the way he smiles at others and how much he cares. How nice he is and so different from me”
The words tumble out of my mouth.
I slap my hand over my mouth.
Plage jerks the car slightly.
I close my eyes hard.
Waiting.
Plage's hand is on my shoulder.
"Lucky for you, I have to bring the boy to school."
I sputter, "What? Wait, no!"
He smiles and ruffles my hair.
He parks in front of the Yamada's house.
Bruce's dad walks out of the house with a very tired-looking Bruce to his right side.
Plage wasn't officially on duty so he was driving his own car.
Which made me curse.
This would have been so much easier with a window in between us.
I pull the mirror down and move my hair around, trying to flatten the parts Plage messed up.
Plage walks over to the car, knocking on the window and gesturing for me to come out.
I curse and open the door.
I stand next to him.
"Vance, why aren't you wearing a jacket?"
I tilt my head in confusion at the voice Bruce's dad uses.
He's the chief of police, so we've had a lot of unpleasant interactions.
But his tone sounds conercend.
"Forgot."
I mumble out.
I don't look in Bruce's direction.
But I can feel his eyes burning into me.
"You were walking to school at 5 am."
Plage says matter of factly.
Bruce's face sprouts into worry.
I want to crawl into a hole.
They were all looking at me with pity.
Like they knew why I left so early but are telling me they can’t do anything about it.
"Yeah, It's a long walk."
"You're on a bus Vance."
I don’t answer. The tone catches me off guard.
I hate when people do that. When they tell me what I already know but ignore the reason I don’t acknowledge it.
“Stop looking at me like that.”
I say, trying to choke back the anger.
They don’t respond and just turn away.
I turn and open the back door.
Bruce follows my lead and sits next to me.
Plage and Mr.Yamamda walk into the house before coming out with Bruce’s mom trailing after them.
When they open the door I can hear her yelling to be safe.
Bruce’s eyes stay on me the whole ride.
My hands were shaking.
He reaches over and holds them down on my lap.
I look up at him.
His face blossoms into a smile, his eyes crinkle at the corners and he squeezes my hands.
Plage rounds the corner to the school and drives right past the front door.
Bruce’s dad speaks up, “Thank you for taking Bruce to practice. My car has been giving me trouble.”
Plage continues to talk but Bruce opens the door and drags me out of the car, yelling a quick goodbye to his dad.
I push his hands off me when the car drives off.
I push my backpack up my shoulders and walk toward the building.
“No, no.”
Bruce places his hand on my back.
“School hasn't opened yet and you’re not smoking.”
I deadpan at him but he ignores it and pulls me into the baseball field.
My mind is screaming at me to pull away.
To move his hand away.
To get him away.
But I can't, I can't move.
Until, “Bruce!”
Jake calls his name, and his grip on my shirt disappears.
Bruce drops all of his stuff on a bench before taking Jake in his arms.
I shuffle on my feet, standing behind Bruce.
I know that if Bruce has practice, it's only 6.
I had to wait at least 40 minutes before Finney and Robin would show up.
I grit my teeth when I see that Jake still has his hands all over Bruce.
Bruce who just had his hands all over me.
“Uh, Bruce?”
Jake points at me.
I suck my teeth and try not to make eye contact.
“Vance rode with me to school. He’s going to watch me practice.”
He moves around, stands next to me, and throws a hand around my shoulders.
“Right?”
I bit down on my tongue.
I can’t.
I won’t watch Bruce practice with him.
I can’t see them hanging out.
It makes my blood boil.
“Vance!”
I snap my head up at the sound of Finney's voice.
It's Friday.
Oh.
On Fridays Finney left early because his dad would get home when he would normally wake up.
I close my eyes and thank whoever was listening to my gay panic.
I turn and almost snap my hands open for Finn to run into.
Knocking Bruce’s hand off in the process.
I feel Bruce go stiff.
His eyes locked on Finney as he ran across the street.
Finn collides with my chest.
“Ahh, thank you Finn seriously.”
Finn puts back with a confused face.
He looks over at Bruce and Jake.
“Oh,”
He pulls back and stands next to me.
“Well boys thank you for keeping Vance company but I'm going to take him now. We have important business to discuss.”
That meant he was going to talk about Robin for 30 minutes and then blush for the rest of the 10 minutes when Robin got to school.
I look over at Bruce.
“Hey, are you at least going to the game?”
I look over and Finney nods his head fast.
“Yeah, we’ll be there.”
Bruce smiles up at me.
That was the first time we interacted.
Then at the game where he went against Finney’s team.
Finney had joined the baseball team run by the town instead of the team at school.
They already had all the spots filled out, so he couldn’t join.
Bruce had his team up by 2 home runs but in the end Finney’s team won.
Bruce had run around and stopped me, Robin, and Finney in the parking lot.
He congratulated Finney and said a quick hi to Robin.
Before turning to me.
“Thank you for coming.”
There was this smile on his face.
Just like the one in the car.
Like it meant something.
Like it was supposed to be just for me.
“Uh yeah no problem. Finney would’ve killed me if I missed one of his games anyways.”
Bruce laughs.
Looking down at his feet.
“Look Vance… I really wan-“
“Bruce!”
Bruce snaps his head around.
The expression on his face is unreadable.
But in his eyes, he looks scared.
“Yeah Jake?”
He almost stutters, he never stutters.
“Come on B!”
Bruce cringes at the name but he steps away from me.
“Uh just never mind. I’ll see you at school.”
And that’s it.
He just walks away and lets Jake scoop him back up in his arms.
But this time I can see the forced smile.
Bruce never fake smiles.
“Vance, come on man!”
I look over and Finney who’s wrapped in Robin's chest, half asleep.
Maybe I’m just reading too much into it.
We didn't talk again till Monday.
But by then him and Jake were confirmed.
They were together .
And I wanted to know what Bruce was going to say.
I wanted to know why he was scared .
Why was he forcing a smile .
~
"I’m trying hard to hate you
But I can’t stop loving who I thought you were
Was it ever real or were your lips just stained from him?
Don’t call me honey, you’re the best and worst of all"
I wish you told me you loved me.
Finney shuts the locker, rambling about class.
“Mr.H gave us more homework!”
I can see him throw his hands into the air.
But I’m not looking in his direction.
Bruce and Jake or standing across from us.
Hands wrapped around each other.
Bruce talking into his neck.
Robin walks over to us, standing right in front of me.
“What happened at the game when Bruce pulled you away?”
I look at Robin.
“Bruce was going to tell me something. Jake called him and they left in each other’s arms.”
Finney frowns.
“No, no don’t feel bad for him.”
I can hear the tone.
Robin wants to fight.
And I can get down with that.
The noise in the hallway dies down.
Robin had this smile on his face.
He’s asking, I try to hold back a smile and nod.
“You could’ve had all that if you weren’t a bitch.”
Robin wasn’t talking loud.
But anytime he spoke, people listened.
“Could say the same for you.”
Robin leans over.
“Is he looking?”
I look over at Bruce.
He’s fully out of Jake's hands, looking at me and Robin.
“Yeah.”
Robin pulls back with a smirk.
Finney is leaning on the locker.
He looks at both of us before gesturing his hands around.
Robin pulls back, hands pulling on the bandanna on his head.
I rolled my shoulder back and slipped my backpack off.
Robin swings.
His fist collided with my jaw.
I look back and smile up at him, blood pooling in my mouth.
I swipe at his legs and he falls on the floor.
Robin gets up, throwing another punch.
I doge and his hand smacks the lockers.
“Asshole that my locker.”
I swing.
He stumbles back.
“Asshole that’s my face.”
Finney sighs and starts to walk away.
Me and Robin lock eyes.
Everyone is quiet.
We start laughing, loud.
There are some confused mumbles and boos.
I slap my hand on his shoulder.
“Good fight, I win though.”
Robin huffs and shrugs my hand off.
“You wish.”
I point in Finn’s direction.
“You better go catch him. That fuckers fast.”
Robins smiles and runs after Finn.
“I still win!”
He turns and flips me off.
I roll my eyes before picking up my backpack and walking up to the second floor bathroom.
I sit down on the heater in the corner and wipe the blood off my face.
The door opens and Bruce rounds the corner.
I can hear Jake yelling.
Bruce runs back at the door and locks it.
“You know that a safety hazard right?”
Bruce jumps and walks to the sink.
“Sorry, I just want to make sure you were ok.”
I grab a paper towel cleaning around my knuckles.
“I’m fine, me and Robin always fake fight.”
Bruce walks over to me taking the paper towel and wetting it before cleaning my hands.
“That was fake?”
He looks up at me and points down and my hands.
“Trust me this was nothing.”
Bruce looks down at my hands again.
“We had a sleepover once and me and Robin left with black eyes.”
I laugh slighty.
“Finn was so mad. He locked us in the bathroom and made us clean our wounds.”
At the mention of Finney he freezes.
I smile to myself.
Don’t tell me.
“Yeah he really hates us not cleaning up. He used to do it for me.”
Bruce take a step back.
Dropping the paper towel in the sink.
“It was a really big fight between him and Robin. He hates that he gets into fights, you know? He loves him some much but doesn’t know how to say it.”
Bruce looks up at me.
“Finney and Robin?”
“Please they wish, they’re too fucking stupid to realize they both like eachother.”
Bruce laughs and grabs a new paper towel.
Doing the same as before.
We didn’t talk the rest of the time.
He just cleaned up my hands.
When he was done I picked up my backpack.
“Come on, what will the teachers say if they know Bruce Yamada skipped class?”
Bruce unlocks the door and walks down the stairs.
“They’d probably say ‘Good for him.’ Or something dumb like that.”
I smile, trailing behind him.
“Bruce!”
Bruce's eyes widened.
Fear takes over his body.
He leans into my side.
“Ah Vance, thank you for finding my boyfriend.”
I grit my teeth as the word falls out of his mouth.
“Yeah just-“
Bruce pulls away from me.
“Just asking about school work. We have a lab together.”
Bruce grabs Jake’s hand and leans his body into him.
I want to burn the image out of my mind.
“Ok B.”
Jake leans down to connect their lips.
I turn around and run through the doors.
Pushing through crowds of people before opening the door outside.
I press my back against the cement.
“Vance?”
I look over at Finney and Robin.
I slide down the wall, head in between my knees.
Tears sliding down my face.
Finney sits next to me laying his head on my shoulder.
Robin follows his lead and they just let me cry.
~
“This is my love and last farewell
I hope you both go rot in hell
This is my love and last farewell
I hope you both go rot in hell!”
I wish he would just rot in hell.
I didn’t see Bruce for the next three days.
Bruce never misses school.
Bruce is always talking about how people should go to school.
So when Jake showed up, alone, for three days.
I knew something was wrong.
“Where’s Bruce?”
Finney and Robin lean against the locker opposite Jake.
He looks up at me,”What?”
“Where”
Robin moves to stand in front of him.
He’s now locked between us and the lockers.
“Is”
Finney tilts his head.
Robin had been more persistent about Finn sticking up for himself.
“Bruce.”
Jake moves his eyes around.
Looking for one of his friends.
The hallway had started quieting down.
“I don’t know.”
I tilted my head at him.
“How the fuck do you not know?”
His face turns sour.
“Why the fuck do you want to know?”
One thing about me, I lie and I do it well.
“He was supposed to let me know when we could meet up to finish our lab project. And he promised Finney he'd help him get on the baseball team.”
I lean father into him.
His back is fully pressed against the locker.
“And maybe I don’t know the fact that he hasn’t come to school in the past three days.”
Finney gets up and grabs Robin's hand.
“Just tell him.”
Robin mumbles, staring at his and Finney’s hand.
“Haven’t seen him.”
Lies.
“Maybe at the baseball field in the park.”
“What park?”
Jake huffs and pushes past Finney and Robin.
I grab the back of his shirt.
“You should watch where you’re going Jake. What park?”
“I don’t know, it's near his house.”
I let his shirts go and look over at Finney.
“Oh, I know where that is.”
Jake spins around, “What?”
“I said I know where that is.”
I reply, confused.
I don’t have time to think before his fist hits my face.
“What the fuck!?”
He pushes me down on the floor.
His rings getting stuck on my eyebrow.
I flip him over and hold his shoulder down.
Pinning his legs with my thighs.
“You know where he lives?!”
He thrashes around.
I don’t answer, I don’t know what to say.
I push his shoulders down and smash our foreheads together.
He curses and moves his hands to hold his face.
I pull back and stand up.
“Whatever that fuck that was.”
I lean down and pull him up but his shirt.
Punching him and letting him hit the ground again.
“Don’t do it again.”
He groans and shifts on his side.
I push through the crowd.
It was going to be a long way to the park.
~
“When did you love somebody else?
Did you care when you just
Tore my heart to shreds in someone’s bed?
I’ll love you like he never could.
I lean against the baseball fence.
Bruce is standing in the middle of the field, bat in hand.
“Yamada!”
He spins around to face me, I walk around the fence.
“What are you doing here Vance? And why are you bleeding?”
He drops the bat and runs towards me.
He places his hands on my face, pulling me closer.
“What happened?”
I pull back slightly to look at his arm.
There's a purple bruise, turning slightly black at the edges.
“I could ask you the same if I didn’t know who did it.”
I don’t pull away from him.
“D-did Jake do this?”
I nod slightly and look at his face.
At just the mention of his name he tenses.
“You didn’t- you didn’t tell him I was here, right?”
I wrap my hands around his wrists, pulling his hands away from my face.
“No, he got really mad when I knew where you were. Hence the blood.”
Bruce just nods.
We stay like that for a while.
I don’t pull away, no matter how much my nose hurts and how the cold wind hitting my bare arms gives me ghost bumps, I don’t pull away.
I never got hugs from anyone.
And if I did they always let go first.
A look of discomfort on their faces.
Even if I really needed them.
They would pull away like I was a disease.
I wasn’t going to do that to Bruce.
I would be there for however long he needed.
“Come on, you're shaking.”
Bruce whispers in my ear before pulling away.
He grabs my hand and his bat before walking in the direction to his house.
He opened the door and pulled me into the bathroom.
“Sit,” he pushes me against the counter.
“Take me to dinner first, Bruce.”
I sit up on the counter, his face goes red.
“I- I didn’t.”
I laugh and pull my hair back into a messy ponytail.
He cleans the blood off my knuckles.
His hair falling in front of his eyes.
I tuck it behind his ear with my free hand.
He doesn’t look up but I can see him go red.
He finishes my hands and leans up to my face.
“How the hell did you get this?”
He says wiping my forehead.
He trips over my legs.
I grab his hips and pull him into me, he’s standing in between my legs.
“I banged my forehead into his.”
I recall shrugging my shoulders.
“Uh why?”
My hands are still on his hips.
He places his free hand on my neck and pulls me closer and to the left to get the cut on my nose.
My throat goes dry, he makes eye contact with me, lifting his eyebrow up.
“H- he was yelling about how I knew where you lived blah blah.”
I take my hands off his hips to wave them around.
He freezes, “Can…?”
I look back at him.
Waiting for him to continue.
He just stares at my hands.
“Why were you dating him?”
Bruce sighs and throws away the last paper towel, scanning my face from more cuts.
“It just made sense at the moment. I mean I was always with him and we were touchy. I don’t know.”
“You always look scared when he comes around or when someone says his name.”
Bruce moves more into me.
My hands travel back to his hips.
He smiles down at my hands.
“He’s not a good friend or boyfriend or anything. He told me that I had to stay with him or he would…”
I squeeze his hips, leaning forward.
“You don’t have to tell me.”
He takes a deep breath.
I think I know what he's going to say.
And I want him to say it.
“He would tell you that I like you. And I- I wasn’t ready for that, I wasn't in the right state to tell you and to be honest I didn’t know how you would react and I didn't-.”
I lean closer to him, our noses touching.
“And I thought I word vomited.”
He lets out a strangled breath.
“I like you too Bruce.’
His face gets red and he breaks eye contact.
“I broke up with him the day after you and Robin fake fought. That’s why I have the bruise and why I haven’t gone to school. He said he would tell you when I was around because he wanted to see me get beat up by my crush.”
I close my eyes, taking deep breaths.
Trying to get the anger down.
I wasn’t going to get angry, not with Bruce, not around Bruce.
But I was definitely going to beat Jake’s ass.
His eyes connect with mine again.
He has a small smile on his face.
There’s sunlight streaming in from the window.
And he’s looking at me like I’ve always wanted.
He looks like an angel.
“Can I kiss you?”
The words are barely audible but we’re so close he can still hear it anyways.
He nods.
I connect his lips with mine.
And it’s better than I imagined.
His hands rest on my neck, pulling me closer.
And we’re clawing at each other and trying to just get closer .
He pulls away, I chase his lips.
He giggles and pulls me off the counter.
“Shut up.”
He looks down at me and shakes his head.
“You’re too cute for that.”
I push him and tickle his sides.
He jumps back from me.
“I’m not cute.”
I mumble.
“Yes, yes you are.”
He takes off running.
I run after him, slipping into his room before he can close the door.
“ Go to hell .”
Bruce hooks his fingers into my belt loops.
Pulling me down on his bed.
Kissing my neck and burying his face into it.
“Only if it’s with you.”
lani <3