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Wylan dreams, a lot.
He dreams of the Ice Court, of his childhood spent learning music and art with his mother, of living in the Slat, of visiting the Wandering Isle, of his father on the worst days.
One of the worst dreams he can have though, is of Jesper.
They don’t come often, every few months. They never come without reason, either. From looking at his guns, or his jacket that’s still hung up, or the little trinkets scattered around the house that he’s made, or when the cook makes his favourite foods, or when he takes trips to Novyi Zem, or when he passes a gambling house.
Tonight, what set it off, was finding one of Jesper’s favourite books.
He was vaguely aware that when he crawled into bed and eventually let sleep overtake him, that Jesper would follow him in the land of the sleeping. He both welcomed and despised it.
Wylan was in his home in the Geldstraat, like he often found himself in his dreams. This time, he was out in the garden, just before the sun was due to set. Said sun was unnaturally brighter than Kerch ever saw it, it reminded him of the sun in the land to the West.
He had jurda blossoms all around him, something he didn’t have planted in his garden, but seeing them there made him make internal plans to get jurda blossoms planted. They were vibrant in colour, and he knew in the real world, they would contrast greatly with the greyness of the Ketterdam sky. In this world, the brightness of the jurda complimented the overwhelming brightness of the sky.
“You look beautiful next to those flowers.”
Wylan didn’t have to turn around to know whose voice that was. “Come sit next to me.”
Jesper done as Wylan said, sitting on the ground next to Wylan and letting his long legs stretch out, contrasting with Wylan’s much shorter ones. Wylan smiled at the hight difference of them, something he had always loved. “The sky is very bright today.”
“I know, I wanted it to be special.”
“Oh.” Wylan laughed. “You can control the weather now?”
“I control everything here.” Jesper replied, laugher creeping up in his voice. “Anything you want, darling, I can provide.”
Wylan chuckled, he really did love Jesper. Wylan was often known as ‘Wylan Van Sunshine’, but Jesper was the true sunshine. The light in his life. The thing both holding him up and keeping him grounded. “What are you doing here tonight?”
“Just thought I’d come visit. It’s terribly lonely there.” Jesper replied, leaning back slightly and tilting his head towards Wylan.
“You have plenty of people with you.”
“Fine, I’ll rephrase then. It’s terribly lonely without you.” Jesper fixed, smiling at Wylan. “You really changed my life, it’s strange without you.”
“It’s strange without you too. It’s wrong.” Wylan replied, finding his voice going small. When he dreamed, it was normally memories playing out before his eyes, never before had it felt this real. It felt like the past, like him and Jesper snuggling close together in a bed after a long day, he couldn’t get enough of it.
“I would come back if I could.” Jesper replied, letting his voice drop to a whisper too. “I promise you that.”
“You shouldn’t have left in the first place.” Wylan could her the anger in his voice, and even though he regretted it, he wouldn’t take it back, because he was angry. He was so, so, angry.
Jesper gave him a smile full of pity, and Wylan wanted to punch him. “I know, my love, I know. I would go back and change it all if I could.”
Wylan sighed, wrapping his arms around himself. He wanted nothing more than to fall into Jesper’s arms, to kiss him and have Jesper tell him it would be okay, that they could go back to that awful night and fix everything that went wrong. But it didn’t work like that, they couldn’t touch one another, and they certainly couldn’t go back in time.
“Mothers getting better. She talks to me a lot more, laughs at my jokes and asks me to spend more time with her.” Wylan said, trying to change the subject to something slightly happier.
“I’m glad, truly. Tell her I miss her deeply.” Jesper said to him, and Wylan nodded, Wylan would do anything Jesper asked. “Did she ever finish her painting of me?”
“She did.” Wylan told him. “Truth be told though, it isn’t perfect. She nor I could ever truly capture you in paint.”
“Ah, I’m just too good for art.” Jesper joked, smiling at Wylan. Wylan smiled back, but his heart wasn’t in it. “How have you been keeping?”
Wylan debated whether to tell the truth or not, but he decided to. This wasn’t real, he could say anything he wished. “…Not well, to be honest. The house is too quiet and calm, none of our friends visit me anymore, I haven’t found the right person to be my assistant to read to me, and even then, they won’t read novels to me. I can’t read our favourite stories anymore.”
Wylan wiped the tears from his eyes that were quickly falling. He didn’t want to cry in front of Jesper, a dream or not. He often used to find himself acting strong, playing himself off like he had no emotions, that he didn’t get sad. He has distinct memories of trying to be strong around his father, knowing that a quivering lip would set Jan Van Eck off and leave Wylan black and blue, and that ideology carried on throughout his life into adulthood. In the Barrel, in the Crows club, in the Dregs, Wylan knew he couldn’t mend himself and start to heal his inner child, he needed to keep a wall up there as much as he did at home. After hiding himself for so long, he almost forgot who his true self was. When him and Jesper moved into his old home, Wylan found it extremely difficult to be himself, even though he had no reason to hide.
One night, when him and Jesper were settled in bed, Wylan on his lover’s chest and Jesper’s arm wrapped around him, Jesper asked about his childhood. Wylan found himself talking, and talking, and not stopping. In the end, Wylan was crying, crying hard, releasing all of the tears he had held in himself since he was six years old. Jesper held him through it all, whispered comforting words, hugged him, smiled at him, kissed him, loved him.
“‘And if we must part, know I will not feel the release of pleasure as the light blinds me, but the harrowing guilt of leaving my love behind in a grey world. Bound to a string with a severed end.’” Jesper said, quoting one of their favourite books. Wylan found himself smiling, despite the tears that didn’t seem to even think of stopping. He looked over at Jesper, who wasn’t smiling. Wylan wished to see him smile, it was a beautiful sight he didn’t want to be robbed of. “I wish I could make it all better.”
Wylan gave him a sad smile. “I wish you could too, every day I wish.”
Jesper moved his hand next to Wylan’s, though they didn’t touch. “I’m so sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I should have never left that night.”
“You could never have known.” Wylan replied softly. He was angry, sure, he was angry at Jesper for a long, long time, but that had dwindled a while ago, now he was just sad.
Jesper sighed and looked off into the distance. “How is Kaz doing?”
“From last that I heard, okay, but I don’t truly know. I saw him once or twice after… after, but he refused to look at me. I think he might feel guilty.”
“Can you… can you tell him he shouldn’t blame himself?” Jesper asked. “Please, for me.”
“Of course I will.” Wylan responded, whispering. “Anything, Jesper.”
“Anything?” Jesper asked. “Bring me back to you.”
Wylan’s small bit of happiness disappeared, and he looked down at the ground. “I want to, Ghezen, I want you back so badly.”
Jesper looked at him, tilting his head, complete heartbreak in his eyes. “Wylan…”
“I want you back so fucking badly. I’d do anything to have you back at our home. It’s not the same without you, nothing is. It’s like I have this whole in my heart that’s slowly bleeding out, leaving a trail of grief disguised as blood everywhere. It’s ruined me Jesper. I can’t live like this anymore.” Wylan felt the tears begin again, harder this time, the pain in his heart even worse. “Why did you have to die?”
Jesper didn’t respond, and Wylan wasn’t too surprised. How could a dead person in your dreams answer why they were gone?
“I’ve thought… I couldn’t handle it, and sometimes I think of joining you.” Wylan confessed, and Jesper’s head whipped to face him.
“You can’t do that, my love. It isn’t your time.” Jesper said, going to reach out his hand, but stopping himself and putting it back down. “You can’t join us yet.”
“I know, I know. I can’t leave my mother yet. But it’s just hard.” Wylan pulled his legs up to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. “I miss you too much.”
“In due time, Sunshine, in due time you will come back to me, and to Matthias, and you can meet my ma.”
Wylan forced a smile, it was a lovely thought, something Wylan was looking forward to, but he just couldn’t find it in himself to be happy. “I hope she will like me.”
“I talk about you enough, she already loves you, my love.” Jesper said with a small chuckle. “Don’t worry about that.”
“Well, tell her I can’t wait to meet her, and tell Matthias that Nina misses him greatly.”
“I will. I’ve told him that before, but I’ll tell him again.” Jesper said to him. “Any other word from Nina?”
“No, last I heard she was in Fjerda, but I don’t know what she’s doing there.” Wylan said with a shrug of his shoulders, hiding his old tears. He then looked up at the sky, seeing his vision was going hazy. “I think I need to go soon.”
Jesper sighed, and then turned to look at Wylan. “My love, I don’t think I can come back to see you.”
Wylan’s eyes went wide, and he looked right at Jesper. “What?”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to come back. Everything has been shared between us, I need to move on fully to the next stage.”
“No. No, no, no, no. You can’t leave me.” Wylan was shaking his head. “You can’t.”
“I’m sorry, Wylan. I would stay with you for eternity if I could, but it doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid.” Jesper said softly. “I’ll miss you greatly. I would say come to me soon, but I want you to live a long, happy life”
“Life isn’t happy without you.” Wylan looked around. “It’s getting fuzzier.”
Wylan was going to leave Jesper soon, and for the final time.
Jesper looked over at Wylan, and moved to sit in front of his lover, looking into his eyes. “Wylan, my darling, I want you to know that I will always love you, even death can’t keep us apart. I will keep you in my heart until the end of time.”
Wylan smiled, and wiped away the single tear that fell. “I love you so much, Jesper, please know that. No one compares to you.”
Jesper laughed, and Wylan had never heard anything more beautiful. Jesper reached out with his hand, and cupped Wylan’s cheek. The world was blurry, and the hand on his skin burned, as it was something Jesper wasn’t supposed to be able to do, but Wylan wouldn’t give it up or tell him to stop for anything. “In another life, my Wylan.”
“In another life.” Wylan repeated, and he felt his heart sour when Jesper leaned forward to kiss him, their lips inches apart.
Wylan woke up in his bed, alone and cold. There was no Jesper beside him, there hadn’t been for a year at the least, not since he was stabbed to death. The bed was never warm anymore, the home was never warm anymore.
He missed Jesper deeply, it was a wound that would never heal, he knew that. One of them would have to leave the other first, but he thought they had time, much, much more time.
He curled up on himself, wrapping the blankets tight to gain warmth and the feeling of a special someone’s arms. It was never the same. In that bed, the one him and Jesper had gotten custom built, that they had spent countless nights in together, he cried. He cried for the loss of the one person who had believed in him, who he trusted with his entire life, who he had leaned on like a lifeline, who he always found himself looking for in a crowd, the person he loved more than life itself.
He cried not only for the death of Jesper, but the death of himself.