Chapter Text
I watched the clock hanging by the register as the hands slowly crept towards 4am. My parents had set me up to always take the night shift, so my sleep schedule was completely shot. With the time I dedicate to work and school, If I didn't manage to catch a nap in the evening, I’d barely even get to squeeze in three hours of sleep to carry me through the day. Not that that's anything new though. Sleep and I have never really been the best of friends. I haven't had a good night's rest since before the fourth grade, when the…things Dr. Norris doesn't want me thinking about…would torment me constantly.
I let out a soft sigh as I looked over the empty shop. I don't know why we’re even still open. We never have customers this late. South Park doesn't have much of a night life, so everyone's asleep by midnight. It's always just me alone with the electric hum of the old lights. Even mom got to go home at ten.
What’s worse is that my dad has a strict ban on using your phone during work hours. I usually spend my downtime playing shitty mobile games on it, but that’s out the window whenever I’m at the shop. My game of choice is usually Overwatch, but I broke my laptop a few weeks ago, so I've recently picked up Candy Crush, at my mother’s recommendation. It’s pretty mindless, so I got pretty good at it pretty quickly.
With ten minutes left till closing, I started packing up shop. I washed the mugs and carried the coffee beans to the back. And as I was hanging my apron up for the night, I heard my phone buzz in my pocket. I pulled it out to see it was a text from Clyde Donovan and I perked up at the notification.
'Tweeek!! Dude!' It read.
Clyde was one of the only people I was "friends" with at school. Or more accurately, he's one of the only people who tolerated me long enough to even ask my name. Not too many people are eager to hang around the school "spaz". But Clyde's cool. He'll talk to pretty much anyone, which I guess explains why he's so popular.
'Hey clyde'
'How's work goin?'
'Same as always. Decent but could be worse'
'Cool cool'
'Hey, think tou could send me nelsons hw?'
'You didnt do it?'
'…maybe'
'Sighhhh. Sure. Ill do it when i get home'
'Thanks!! See you tomorrow. Gn <333'
'Yeah gn'
Before I started helping him study, Clyde barely ever did his homework. Honestly, I'm surprised he was even passing. Recently he'd gotten better with it, but I still needed to save him from time to time. Like today.
It's nice though. Being needed, I mean. And not only that. Clyde makes me feel…wanted. Out of all his friends, he chose to have me tutor him when I don't even have the highest grades in the class.
We're supposed to study tomorrow after school and I'm really looking forward to it. The library's quiet and we get to spend a few hours together.
I shoved my phone back into my pocket when I heard the shop's door chimes jingle. Of course some asshole would come five minutes to closing. I quickly tied my apron around my waist as I rushed back to the register.
Walking into the store with his eyes glued to his phone was a tall boy in a blue chullo. I've definitely seen him around school before, but it's not like we've ever spoken. He's one of Clyde's friends, if I'm not mistaken…What's his name again? Oh yeah.
"Uh, h-hey, Craig!" That was too loud. He looked up from his phone with a raised eyebrow.
…
"The fuck? Why do you know my name? Do I know you?" With squinted eyes, he twisted up his face at me.
Shit! He probably thinks I'm stalking him or something. I mean, his face was still generally neutral, but I could FEEL the disgust in his eyes. They screamed "How dare you know my name, you fucking creep!"
"No, no! It'sjustthat Clyde talksabout you a lot, y'know? Not too much though! It's not like he's giving me your entire life story or anything. I barelyknowanything about you. Besides your name, of course! Haha!" I grinned awkwardly, hoping that my shitty attempt at a save was enough to quell any suspicion.
"Uh…huh". His sharp eyes bored into me as I stood there trembling. "Just…get me my coffee, dude. Two lattes and a macchiato. To go."
"O-oh yeah, sure!!" Too loud again. As soon as he looked back down at his phone, I got right to it. I was still annoyed that he came in so late, but I actually enjoyed making lattes, so it wasn't all that bad. I carefully poured the steamed milk into the espresso, making sure not to spill any out of the to-go cup.
"You uh, almost done over there?" Craig asked.
Nervously, I called back to him. "Y-yeah! Ngh! Just gimme a sec." I finished the second latte and rushed through the macchiato before putting them on a tray and placing it on the counter.
"That'll be $11.54."
Craig gave me his card and I ran it through the register. After handing him his receipt, he picked up the tray of coffee and turned around to leave.
"H-have a nice night!!" Way too loud.
"...Uh-huh. See ya." He waved me goodbye over his shoulder before leaving through the door.
Christ. Finally it was over. Human interaction isn't exactly my strong suit. Especially when it comes to people like that. Every second in his presence brought me closer to another panic attack. Whenever he would look up from his phone to check how I was doing, my heart would drop, thinking he had found something wrong with his order.
I really hate people like that.
-
When I got home around 4:35, I found that mom had prepared an early-morning “dinner” for the two of us. Since dad was still at the shop going over the day’s earnings, she had made my "favorite"; Plain spaghetti with butter. Which is just pretty much the only thing I eat anymore. Years of drinking scalding coffee like water had completely nuked my taste buds, and since texture is the only thing I notice in my food anymore, I can't eat anything that doesn't go down easily. Ergo, pasta and butter.
It's not like I can't taste anything, though. I still enjoy the taste of coffee. But at this point, I might just be conditioned to.
Mom and I had our usual conversation where she'd ask about my day and I'd lie about how eventful it was. I don't know why I even bother lying. Her thinking I have an active social life outside of work is the only reason she lets dad control my shifts. Sometimes I think "maybe if I told them the truth, my parents would start to go easy on me." But then I doubt myself and chicken out.
Eventually I finished dinner and made my way upstairs to my room. Scattered along the floor were dirty clothes and old homework. Lined along my shelf were meds I never take and books I've never read. Honestly, my room is pretty depressing. I hate being in here, but it's one of the only places I can really relax.
Sliding my backpack off of my shoulder, I pulled that night’s homework out and snapped a picture of it to send to Clyde.
I spent a few seconds waiting for a response before snapping out of it and changing into my pajamas.
With all of my tasks done for the day, I threw myself into bed.
…
And I hated it. My mattress was stiff and my crinkly sheets felt like sandpaper against my skin. With only three hours left until school starts, I definitely wouldn't be sleeping tonight, but it'd be nice to at least get comfortable. I squirmed around trying to find a good position, but to no avail.
“Shit.” I muttered as I remembered that I hadn't brushed my teeth yet. Half-glad to have gotten out of wrestling my sheets for a bit longer, I crawled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom.
After flicking on the lights, I reached for my toothbrush that was clearly a few months past retirement. It had a foul smell and flat bristles, but I still forced it into my mouth with a half-assed squirt of toothpaste.
The mirror mocked me as I stared into it. Is that really what I look like?...Staring back at me was a boy too lanky for his short height, with eyebags so dark, they looked like bruises. The wild and yellow nest on his head looked as if it hadn't been groomed in years. I scanned for anything redeeming in the boy in the mirror, but was only met with dead eyes and chapped lips chewed raw.
After less than a minute of sloppily brushing my teeth, I spit and washed my mouth out with water.
I crawled back into bed and stared up at the ceiling. I felt like my life was in a loop. It's just school, work, school, work, school, work, every fucking day. I'm 16 and I don't have a social life outside of taking people’s orders. My back stiffened as I wrestled my way back into a semi-comfortable position.
On my end table, my phone buzzed with a text from Clyde. A smile took over my face as I read the notification.
'Tweek!!! Thanks dude!'
'Yeah no problem'
'Why are you still awake?'
‘Couldn't sleep. I'm just out and about rn’
'Where are you?'
'Starks pond'
'You wanna come?'
'Isn't it a bot late?'
'Bit*'
'Naaah. Come on! Just sneak out again'
'Idk man, my parents were pretty pissed last time'
Clyde's usually a morning person, but always sleeping in class fucked his sleep schedule to the point of being almost identical to mine, so he usually walks around town to tire himself out. That's how we first met, actually. It was the beginning of sophomore year and it was starting to hit me that that year wasn't going to be any better than the one before it. The thought of being bullied again almost drove me to another breakdown. I was tearing up and seconds away from pulling my hair out when a bright-eyed brunette walked over and offered me his ice cream.
I'm the only other person who's up this late, so he’d invite me along sometimes.
'Nvm, i'm coming'
'Alrighty. See you when you get here'
'Mhm'
-
I had managed to climb through my window without making too much noise, but after sliding down the gutter pipe, my palms were left moist and clammy. I wiped my hands on my pajama pants and continued down the street.
The walk from my house to Stark's Pond takes about fifteen minutes since South Park is a really small town. The drive from one side to the other takes like eight minutes at the speed limit. Which is a good thing I guess, since knowing everyone by name means there's no room for surprises. I've grown up with the same group of kids my entire life. Nothing ever changes in South Park. Good or bad.
Stark's Pond is also always locked up at this time of night, so I had to climb a fence to get inside. As I continued along the dirt path, I was able to make out the vague shape of someone sitting on the bench closest to the pond itself. It was Clyde. His arms were sprawled out behind him and he was taking in the scenery. I walked up and took a seat next to him.
After a minute of sitting in awkward silence, waiting for him to say something, I finally looked over and noticed that he was fast asleep, which explains that grumbling sound he'd been emitting the whole time. I chuckled to myself at my lack of awareness.
With no one else around, I leaned into him. His warmth made my lack of layers almost bearable. I closed my eyes and melted into my friend's chest. I'm always at my calmest with Clyde. I hadn't ticced the whole time I was there. Which is saying a lot because I'd managed to build a reputation for violently throwing my head to the side every few seconds back in elementary school.
My heart almost jumped out of my chest when he suddenly wrapped his arm around me. Now awake, Clyde put his hand up to his mouth and yawned. "Hey, Tweek."
"Gah! Clyde!" I cried out in surprise.
"Ahh…Loud." He groaned.
"...S-sorry."
"It's fine. How're you doing?" Clyde yawned again.
"Shitty. Like usual…But I feel better now."
"Happy to hear it. Anything new going on?”
“Well, I–”
“And it can't be about work." Clyde interrupted, flicking me on the nose.
"Oh. Well, Uhhh…I finally hit Diamond in Overwatch. I was pretty happy about it…even though it's not that high.”
"Nah, that's sick, dude! You really gotta teach me how to play one of these days."
"O-okay." I grinned, leaning further into Clyde as he switched topics and told me about his day.
He went on about football practice and how annoying his coach was. He told stories about embarrassing things he'd seen his teammates do and how most of them were really fun to mess with. Apparently he'd caught Stan and Kyle kissing after a game and had been teasing them about it ever since. He continued rambling for a while, before switching topics again.
"Also...Are you sure you're okay, dude?" His tone was suddenly really serious.
"What? Y‐yeah, I think so. Why?" I answered nervously.
He sighed before continuing his thought. "I worry about you, y'know? You're a really good friend, Tweek…The last thing I want for you is to just keep being miserable."
“I-I’m fine, Clyde!...Really. Especially with you around.”
Clyde couldn’t help but wear his worry on his face. He had always made it clear that he cared about me, but this was the first time he had ever directly vocalized it. Sensing that the topic stressed me out, he just grinned at me softly before pulling me into a noogie. His knuckles grinded into my skull, making my hair even wilder than it already was.
"The pond's really pretty this time of night, huh?"
"Oh, uh yeah I guess so."
…
"You dare me to jump in?"
I shot up almost instantly. "What?! No!! Are you crazy?!"
"Oh, come on, Tweek. What's a little water gonna do to me?"
"A lot?! What if you–"
"Can't hear you! Lalalala!" He continued yelling over me as he pulled his shirt over his head. Embarrassed, I quickly turned my eyes away from his naked upper-half. He threw his shirt and jacket at me and jogged to the edge of the pond. I followed, trying to stop him.
"Gah! Clyde! This is a terrible idea."
Clyde stopped dead in his tracks to actually ponder what I was saying. "...Nah."
He bent down into the sprinter's position before doing a running jump into the pond. He cannonballed and landed with a big splash.
After swimming a few laps, he looked over to me, waving with both arms. As panicked as I was, I couldn't help but snicker at his antics. He's so dumb.
Clyde emerged from the water and swept the wet hair out of his face. He was dripping from head to toe and had a satisfied grin on his face. I found myself going red as he approached and took his shirt back. Clyde has always been on the chubbier side, but he had managed to slim down a bit since middle school, so now his muscles were a little more visible. Much to my detriment. With my head still turned away, I reached my hand out to give him back his letterman. He almost accepted, but stopped himself.
"Actually…I better not since I'm all wet. Why don't you take it for now?" He requested as he used his shirt to rub his hair dry.
"Really? Are you sure? What if I get it dirty? W-what if I lose it and you have to buy a new one?"
"Nah, I trust you. Bring her back to me safe, ‘kay?" He gave me a light knock to the chest, before checking his phone. "Damn, it's getting late. I'll catch you later, Tweek." He threw his rung-out shirt around his neck and sprinted away while waving goodbye.
"Y-yeah, see you later!" I called out with cupped hands.
The walk home seemed shorter now that I was in a good mood. I climbed back through my window and into my room. I debated leaving Clyde's letterman on my desk, but in the end, I wore it to bed. The stiffness of my mattress didn't seem so bad anymore. The smell of his cheap cologne filled my nose as I melted into my sheets.
-
I spent the short time before school actually started looking for Clyde, but he was nowhere to be found. I had his jacket rolled up in my bag and needed to give it back. He should've been held up in the cafeteria talking to his friends, but nope, nothing.
I went through my first two periods worrying about what could have happened to him. There's no way his mom would've let him get away with being late to school, so he must've been in trouble.
By the time I got to our shared history class, I was able to confirm with the teacher that he was just out sick…Well not "just" out sick. I still spent the whole class terrified that he might never recover.
Clyde had always been the type of guy to do dumb shit constantly with little-to-no consequences. I've seen him eat out of a Taco Bell dumpster on a dare and in the end he just dove back in for another Quesarito.
For him to be out sick must mean he’s REALLY sick. And it's all my fault. I shouldn't have let him get in the water. It was like 40-degrees last night. What if he has pneumonia and I end up going to jail for helping him kill himself?!
With my brain so focused on my inevitable prison sentence, class went by quicker than ever. It was time for lunch. The first half of which was always hell.
After grabbing my food, I would sit alone all the way in the back of the cafeteria. It's not like there wasn't anywhere else to sit. I just couldn't stand how loud the other kids were. Ever since we all moved to the highschool building, I’d always just pick at my lunch and watch youtube until Clyde came over to sit with me.
He would start by sitting with his friends for the first half, but he always moved over to sit with me for the second. We would just sit and talk until it was time for our next class.
He would always ramble about something I didn't really care about, like the newest gossip, or something he saw on Instagram, but just seeing him be so excited to talk to me always put a smile on my face.
…but that's most days. Today Clyde wasn't here and I would have to sit completely alone for the first time this school year. The thought alone made my stomach turn.
Why do I care so much? It's not like this is new. I sat alone every day from 5th to 9th grade. This is just…falling back into old habits!
…only it feels so much worse.
I needed a distraction, so I took out my phone and started swiping away at Candy Crush. At first, it did a good job of getting me out of my own head, but the stress ruined my hand-eye coordination and I started wasting moves. I put all my concentration into the game but was taken out by the screams and laughter of my classmates. I threw my hands up to cover my ears and ended up accidentally dropping my phone. I picked it up to see that the screen had gained its 9th crack that year.
“Grraaaa.” I groaned as I held the damaged device in my hands. It slipped out again as the cracked glass sliced through the tip of my thumb.
That was my final straw. I needed to get out of there. I swooped up my bag, phone, and thermos before running out of the cafeteria.
I knew I'd get in trouble if I left school again, so with nowhere else to go, I darted into the bathroom, past the urinals, and locked myself in the furthest bathroom stall. The tears were already starting to flow before I even turned the lock. Sitting on the toilet with my knees tucked into my chest, I started to hyperventilate. My heart was beating out its cage and I felt like throwing up. With trembling hands, I downed half of the coffee in my thermos, which only made my stomach ache worse.
Fuck…Why am I like this?
I had been sitting there rocking back and forth, sucking and biting down on my wound for a few minutes when the bleeding finally calmed. The relief didn’t last for long since returning to reality had only thrusted me into the fact that my mouth was stained with the taste of iron.
I put my palm up to my tongue, only to be face-to-face with a long streak of red running along the lines of it. “O-oh, God…”
I started to retch as I crawled my way off the toilet and emptied my lunch into it. The bile stuck to my teeth and dripped back onto my tongue. I felt terrible. My upper chest was pressed hard against the bowl as I continued dry-heaving with my hands gripping on for dear life.
Tears and saliva ran down my face as I fell back, leaning against the stall door.
I've always been extremely anxiety prone, but it was pretty rare for me to get like this. Or had I just already forgotten how bad panic attacks could be?
I could only think of Dr. Norris' technique for calming myself down; I took a deep breath and tried to find my center.
"Inhale…Exhale…Calm…Puppies." I spoke to myself, wiping my eyes and mouth. “Nggghhh….”
Starting to softly whimper and with tears still seeping out, I reached into my bag and pulled Clyde's jacket out. I wrapped it around my shoulders and tried to breathe. It was soft and warm against the nape of my neck. The feeling was reminiscent of the hugs he would give. I was trembling on the ground, with that acidic taste still present in my mouth. Another sip of coffee washed the vomit from my teeth.
Before the stress could fully consume me, I felt my phone buzz. I wrestled it out of my pants pocket and turned it on. It was Clyde.
I wiped my eyes with a grin.
‘IM NOT DEAD!! Forgot to text you i was sick srry <3’
“Oh, Jesus. Thank God, he's fine.” Knowing that he was okay calmed my stomach a bit.
…
…
I felt like such a child, crying alone in a bathroom stall because I thought my friend was dead. What the fuck is wrong with me? I bit down on the inside of my cheek until the tears stopped flowing. Lunch wouldn't be over for another ten minutes, so I stayed there curled up against the stall.
“Gahh…” I sighed in my solitude.
With my attention finally away from myself, I noticed whispered singing next to me.
"Soshite tsudoishi starduuussst. Hyakunen me no mezame ni yobareteee…"
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “The hell?” I sniffled. Someone was singing something under their breath in the stall to my right. It was some Japanese song I hadn't heard before. Or at least I think it was Japanese. He was completely butchering the lyrics past the first line. I wiped my eyes dry and listened closer to the nasally mumble as it grew louder.
"Break you down! Break you down! Break you down! Kobushi hanatsu seinaru VISION! STAND PROUD!" He hummed the rest of the tune to its conclusion before giggling to himself. Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to see what kind of kid would be held up in the bathroom watching anime. Well…besides me that one time.
Slipping my arms through Clyde's jacket, I carefully stepped up onto the toilet and peered over the stall.
“Please don't be shitting. Please don't be shitting.”
On the other side was the same blue chullo from the night before. It was Craig. And he was crouched on top of the toilet snickering at something on his phone. He had his headphones in and had his eyes glued to the screen. This was probably the first time I'd ever seen him smile this hard. Craig's usually so gloomy and he walks around looking like he wants to deck everyone around him. To see him like this was definitely a surprise.
I tried to take a peek at what he was watching, but I only managed to make out that it was something flashy. Craig usually has a group of friends to sit with during lunch, so why was he here? He has headphones, so it's not like he needs the quiet.
I kept watching him for a few more seconds, but I was startled by him suddenly crying out "ORA!!" at the top of his lungs as what seemed to be the protagonist landed a punch on his opponent. The surprise made me slip and fall off the toilet, hitting the back of my head on the toilet paper dispenser. The impact made a loud bang that was only amplified by the emptiness of the bathroom.
"Huh? Is someone there?"
I was frozen in place. Craig had gotten into plenty of fights, just because someone had given him a bad vibe. He probably already thinks I'm stalking him. If he thought that I followed him into the bathroom to watch him over the stall, that would give him full reason to kick my ass.
Before I could think of a way to escape. My stall door swung open to Craig standing tall over me as I sat there on the dirty floor.
"Oh…it's you again."