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Thoma couldn’t say for certain when he fell in love with the Yashiro Commissioner, Kamisato Ayato, but by the time he had figured it out he knew it had been longer than he’d like to admit. And to be completely honest, he couldn’t necessarily say what made him fall either. Maybe it was Ayato’s surprising shyness despite his high ranking position that Thoma found so endearing. Or maybe it was the softness in his eyes when he showed a genuine smile. Or it could’ve been the late night conversations the two shared about anything and everything, when Ayato could completely relax and drop the mask of Commissioner even if it were only for a couple of hours. Or perhaps it was all these things, and so much more combined that made Thoma fall for Kamisato Ayato.
He had always been a man of action. Proving his loyalty and care to and for others through various tasks and deeds rather than words. If a friend was having a bad day, Thoma would buy them their favorite drink or meal, or perhaps pick them some fresh flowers. Or if a work colleague was overwhelmed with tasks for their day, Thoma would lighten their load and take some of them on himself, even if that meant his day was now overwhelmed.
Of course, there was no difference when it came to Ayato. Thoma had always gone above and beyond for His Lord. Making his favorite meal whenever he was loaded with work. Bringing him his favorite tea during a long night. And performing other tasks that ranged well outside of his official position as Chief Retainer. Oddly enough, it was when someone pointed this out to him, that someone being none other than Ayaka, that made Thoma realize how deep his feelings for Ayato ran.
Thoma brought Ayato his favorite meal and tea while he continued his paperwork, everything made fresh that afternoon.
“Here you are, My Lord, I thought you could use a pick-me-up while finishing up your work.” He smiled at the blue haired man as he set the tray down gently.
Ayato returned his smile, his eyes shining with a newfound sense of calm as if with this simple gesture, or perhaps Thoma’s presence alone, Thoma had temporarily quieted the whirlwind of stress and chaos in his brain. “Thank you, Thoma, this is greatly appreciated. You’re always so good to me.”He paused to take a sniff of the meal, “As always it smells absolutely divine, is everything fresh?”
“Of course, My Lord! I wouldn’t use anything less than same-day picked ingredients.” And that was true, Thoma always went and picked all the ingredients himself the same morning he’d planned to prepare the meal.
Ayato hummed in response, “While you know how much I appreciate that, doesn’t that take time from your day to accomplish other tasks?” There seemed to be a hint of concern to his voice.
Thoma shook his head, with a soft smile, filled with compassion, “I will always make time for this, no matter how busy I may be.” He then turned to Lady Ayaka who had been sitting off to the side of her brother’s office while he worked. She silently watched the entire exchange, “My Lady, are you ready to head to Inazuma City? We still have to meet with Yomiya this evening.”
She nodded, quickly finishing her tea that she had from earlier, “Yes, we should get going. See you this evening, brother, don’t work too hard.” Ayaka provided a quick wave to Ayato before turning towards the door. Ayato flashed her his own small wave while sipping his tea.
“I second the Young Lady, please take care of yourself, My Lord. I’ll check on you upon our return.” Thoma saw Ayato playfully roll his eyes before Thoma respectfully bowed and left, following after Ayaka.
The two walked in a comfortable silence until they were outside the estate. Ayaka was the one to break the silence, “You do quite a lot for my brother.” It was a simple statement.
Thoma chuckled with a smile, “Well that’s kinda the whole point, since it is my job after all.”
“Well yes… but that’s not really what I mean.” Ayaka’s eyebrows scrunched together as she tried to form her thoughts into words.
“Oh? What do you mean then?”
“I mean that you’re always doing more than what’s expected of you, specifically when it comes to Ayato. Not to make it sound like I’m complaining or jealous of him, but tonight for example: you brought him his favorite dish which I’ve seen you prepare on a few occasions. That is not a quick nor easy process and while today may not have been that busy for you, I have witnessed you do the same thing on days when you barely have time to spare a ‘hello’. You don’t seem to do that for just anyone.”
Thoma half shrugged while scratching the back of his neck. He couldn’t deny her words because she was entirely correct. He didn’t do such things for anyone besides Ayato, “I guess that’s just my way of showing him I care.”
Ayaka hummed, “You must care for him quite a bit.” She turned her gaze to him, a knowing glint in her eyes.
Obviously Thoma cared for Ayato, probably more than he did anyone else. The only person who came close was Ayaka. And while Thoma still cared greatly for Ayaka, it felt as though Ayato was on an entirely different level. Ayato had accepted him as a friend and eventually family when Thoma was shipwrecked in Inazuma. He gave Thoma a home and a life, things Thoma could never repay him for. He considered Ayato to be his best friend. Ayato spent much of his free time with Thoma sharing conversations that he wasn’t sure Ayaka even knew about. So what if his heart fluttered whenever Ayato laughed at a stupid joke of his? Or if his hands get clammy when Ayato would flash a rare gentle smile? Or if he found himself looking forward to spending time alone with Ayato?
Oh… Thoma gulped, the realization hitting him hard. He did care. He cared a lot. He cared way more and felt way more than he should for just a best friend. He had fallen for Ayato and he had fallen faster and harder than he ever could have imagined. So fast that he didn’t even realize it until it was far too late to catch himself.
All he could provide as a response to Ayaka was a hum of agreement, unable to meet her eyes.
That realization came close to a year ago now and ever since then Thoma has poured his heart and love into everything he does for Ayato more than ever before. Desperately trying to get that message across through what he knows best: service. He pushed on determinedly, no matter what or who stood in his way. Sure, he had a less than favorable reputation with much of the public due to his “outlander” status and the various acts he’s performed as Ritou’s “fixer” but Thoma wholeheartedly believed that something that frivolous shouldn’t stop you from being with the one you love. Most of the time it was easy enough to brush off their words anyways. They didn’t really know him, they only know what they’ve heard from others and what he’s allowed them to see. How could you make a sound judgment of someone you didn’t know?
But sometimes… Sometimes the words stuck.
Even before Thoma had realized the motives behind his own actions, Ayato had always seemed receptive. Sometimes he would even respond with his own flirtatious comment or something that hinted that he knew what Thoma was trying to say. However, it was never anything more than that. Ayato never initiated the exchanges and it was never anything entirely direct. Thoma always felt like he was reading between the lines.
But still, this caused the flower of hope to bloom in Thoma’s chest and grow steadily with each step as the two danced around one another. The butterflies which erupted in his stomach every minute he spent in Ayato’s presence feasted on the nectar provided by the garden that had quickly formed, nourishing and nurturing both themselves and the feelings in return.
One day, however, Ayato stopped dancing.
At first, Thoma thought it was simply a bad day. Ayato was stressed with work and therefore didn’t have a clear head and unintentionally gave Thoma and everyone else the cold shoulder. This wouldn’t be a stretch as it has happened before. But when a bad day turned into a bad week, which turned into two weeks, which turned into a month and then more, he could no longer defend this behavior with such an excuse. Thoma had tried on more than one occasion to bring up the topic and provide Ayato with an opportunity to explain his curtness or if something was bothering him. Instead, he was always met with an abrupt “I’m fine” and promptly ordered to leave. Each time, Ayato never spared a single glance from his work to Thoma.
Despite all this, Thoma still forced the music to play on, hope still a healthy bloom in his chest, and continued acting as if nothing had changed. It was his way to silently tell Ayato that Thoma was there for him and would continue to be there for him until he was ready. He could ignore Ayato’s coldness and blunt words, brushing them off just like the words of the Inazuman public.
But… when Thoma soon noticed it was only him that Ayato treated this way, he couldn’t lie and say the hope in his chest didn’t wilt at the realization. However, Thoma was never known to be a quitter, so he pushed on the best he could, even though it got harder as the days continued.
Was Ayato suddenly uncomfortable with Thoma, or with the way Thoma treated him? Had Ayato been oblivious to his intentions all this time? That seemed impossible, Ayato was incredibly smart and observant, especially when it came to people and especially when it came to Thoma . Was he disgusted by how Thoma felt about him? Was this the cause of his sudden change? Should Thoma back off if that was the case? Except… there were times Thoma was so sure , so confident that Ayato reciprocated his feelings. Thoma always knew that Ayato viewed him differently than he did everyone else. The affection that shone in his eyes, the gentle touches to brush his hair from his face, the soft smile Thoma knew was reserved specifically for him. Had he been wrong all this time?
Thoma pushed those doubts to the back of his head, he was in the middle of cooking afterall. Distractions, like negative thoughts, lead to kitchen disasters. He continued chopping the vegetables and preparing the spices for Kamisato siblings’ dinner, humming a tune to himself as he worked. It had been a beautiful day around the estate so Thoma opened the windows of the kitchen to let in some fresh air, the cool breeze counteracting the heat from the stove. He could hear the chirping of birds which accompanied his humming and the occasional guard pass by on their patrols around the estate. Based on the voices getting closer, Thoma knew another patrol was about to pass by.
“Hey, have you seen how the Commissioner has been treating that Mondstadter recently?” One asked, a little too excitedly for Thoma’s liking.
“Yeah! You’d think he’d just fire him and send him back home at this point.” Another guard responded.
The words surprisingly sucked the wind from Thoma’s lungs. He had to pause his work and rest his hands on the counter, his knuckles white from gripping the edge. It seemed the entire estate had discovered Thoma’s alienation at the same time Thoma himself did. It was all he heard about, at least within the estate.
“About time the Commissioner saw that outlander for what he is.”
…
“I bet he was trying to sleep his way into getting better pay.”
…
“There’s nothing good that comes out of that Thoma guy, seems like he’s finally managed to push Lord Kamisato to his wits end.”
All from within the past week; archons, he couldn’t catch a break! Thoma did his best to remind himself that what they said wasn’t true but he could never shake their words as they attached themselves to the poison of doubt that now loomed just out of reach.
The guards continued past, Thoma not catching much else of their conversation, which was for the best if he was being completely honest with himself, and he was able to finish preparing the meal without incident.
Thoma carried the tray of food carefully through the halls of the Kamisato estate until he arrived in front of the Commissioner's office door. He managed to balance the tray so he could knock to announce his presence and slid open the door. The smile he held on his face was the best impression of his regular smile he could give at the moment, it felt convincing enough. Hopefully he wouldn’t be there long enough for one of the siblings to notice that it didn’t quite make it to his eyes that night. Not like Ayato would notice anyway , Thoma’s mind reminded him. He was quick to shove the thought down.
“Good evening, My Lord and Lady, I’ve brought each of you your dinner for the night.” Thoma first presented Ayaka with her food as she was closer to the door.
She smiled warmly at the meal then to Thoma. “Thank you, Thoma, I’m sure it's just as delicious as it looks!”
Thoma beamed at her from the compliment before turning to Ayato, “Here’s your dinner, My Lord. I took a suggestion you gave the last time I made-”
“Hm… looks adequate. You can leave now.” Ayato barely glanced at the meal, nevermind look up at Thoma, when he gave the order.
Thoma felt his stomach twist and his face fall in shock; Ayato has never once cut him off. It didn’t matter the circumstance, the time of day, the conversation, or any emotions that were lingering. Ayato had always given Thoma the freedom to speak without restraint in his presence. Had that all been fake? Or did things change because of Thoma’s heart? The poisonous cloud of doubt came swarming back into his chest tenfold, his mind plummeting to the questions that swarmed earlier.
Why did Ayato’s behavior change so suddenly? What did Thoma do wrong ? He didn’t understand! If Ayato didn’t feel the same, he could’ve just said so. Thoma would’ve understood, he would’ve been respectful and backed off. Did Ayato not believe that was the case? Did Ayato hear what the guards were saying about Thoma, about the true “motives” behind his actions? Surely, he didn’t believe them. What the guards were saying was nonsense! They don’t know Thoma, not like Ayato does-
Ayato does know him… Ayato knows Thoma better than anyone and believes what they’re saying… If Ayato believes the guards, does that mean… he believes what everyone else says about him? Everyone in Ritou? Everyone in Inazuma City? If Ayato believes them all then-
“I thought I told you to leave.” Ayato’s sharp voice cut Thoma out of his thoughts. It was the first time Ayato had looked at him in weeks. Really, truly looked at him and Thoma saw nothing but cold. The lavender eyes that once held so much warmth towards him held nothing but disdain now.
And Thoma knew his distress was written in his own eyes at the moment, any other time Ayato wouldn’t hesitate to ask what was bothering him, concern lacing his voice, or to tease him for the look on his face, if it wasn’t as serious, but that wasn’t happening. Rather, Ayato said nothing, looking at Thoma expecting him to get his act together and leave. It felt like a punch to the gut. He didn’t care.
“Ah, right,” Thoma cleared his throat. He doesn’t care , “Goodnight, My Lord,” he bowed quickly and turned to Ayaka, giving her a bow as well. He doesn’t care , “goodnight, My Lady.” With haste, Thoma rushed out the door and shut it behind him.
He doesn’t care.
Thoma leaned his back against the wall next to Ayato’s door to take a moment to compose himself. His arm slung across his body as if to hold himself together, as the opposite hand covered his mouth shakily. His mind picked up where it had left off.
If Ayato believed what everyone said of Thoma… then it all must be true. It all made sense now. Of course, Ayato wouldn’t feel the same. How could he? How could anyone, let alone Ayato, ever love Thoma?
Tears welled in his eyes and the hand on his mouth was not enough to cover up the sob that escaped. He knew he had to get to his own room before he broke down completely so he pushed himself from the wall and walked as fast as his legs would carry him to his bedroom, his eyes glued to the floor desperately trying to keep the tears from falling. Thoma knew he wasn’t very successful as the grain in the wooden floor became more blurry with each step.
Once within the safety of the walls of his room, Thoma sat on the floor next to his bed and cried. He couldn’t say how long it was, it could’ve been minutes or maybe even hours, but all he knew was he remained there until his body exhausted itself and he fell into an unpeaceful slumber.
Ayato had forced himself to look into Thoma’s eyes upon sensing the distress radiating from his person. Forced himself to imprint that image of the hurt, the betrayal, and the heartbreak that all coincided in Thoma’s, usually bright and utterly beautiful , green eyes to make himself remember that this was Ayato’s own doing. He was hurting Thoma.
And Ayato knew Thoma’s feelings. Ayato has known longer than Thoma himself had probably realized. Thoma wore his heart on his sleeve and went to Celestia and back several times over for Ayato and Ayato alone. From making his favorite meal to making a run to the city for his favorite bubble tea to eating whatever barely edible concoction Ayato had discovered to traversing the long trek back to the Kamisato estate whenever Ayato forgot his wallet, each one of these was Thoma’s way of saying “I love you.” Of course, Ayato felt the same. How could he not?
Thoma was kind and compassionate, always lending a hand to those in need and putting himself in harm’s way to protect others. He was diligent, never leaving a task unfinished. His smile shone brighter than a mid-day’s sun and never failed to bring peace to Ayato and others around him. He was beautiful; beautiful, radiant, and so full of life. Ayato was baffled that more people couldn’t see it, but he also supposed he should be grateful for the lack of people pining after the blond.
Ayato trusted him, more than anyone else, with his life and his heart. Thoma listened to him, not because he was his boss and the Yashiro Commissioner but because Thoma really wanted to know what Ayato had to say, what he thought of things. And he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind to Ayato, to call him out when he had a bad idea or freely criticize Ayato’s plans. Ayato feared he may have just ruined that…
He watched Thoma leave in a rush, needing to get away from Ayato as fast as possible. As soon as the door shut, Ayato held his face in his hands and whispered softly to himself, hoping by some miracle the message would reach Thoma, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me when this is over. Please give me just a little more time.”
As much as he hated it, as much as it pained him to do so, Ayato could push through the pain he was causing Thoma and keep his plan on track. However, it was a single sound that nearly shattered his resolve.
A sob.
Ayato’s head snapped to the door as the heartbreaking sound reached his ears. He knew Thoma stood just on the other side. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to drop everything, comfort Thoma, and fix the pain he’s caused. Ayato had never found restraint so grueling until Thoma’s footsteps retreated down the hall. His heart throbbed with guilt.
“Ayato, this needs to stop. You went too far today… This is doing nothing but hurting both of you.” Ayaka had spoken of her displeasure of this arrangement since Ayato first implemented it.
“We both know that’s not possible right now. I can’t; not until we find who made that threat.” Ayato shook his head. He wanted nothing more than to be able to agree with his sister but he knew better.
Ayaka rolled her eyes, “It has been almost two months since that letter came and no one has made any progress on its origins. We don’t even know how legitimate it was.”
“I’m not about to take that chance.” Ayato looked up to meet his sister’s eyes.
“You can’t even be certain that someone would go after Thoma in the first place.” She retorted.
“The letter said they would go after those I hold dear. Two people and two people only make up that list: you and Thoma. It's public knowledge that you are my sister, there would be no use trying to hide that. Thoma, however, I can hide. I can protect him-”
“And you think alienating him like he means nothing to you was the way to do that?!” Ayaka shouted, “He’s not the only one who’s noticed your behavior; I’ve heard the guards talking. They’ve noticed too. Thoma is going to think you hate him or he’s done something wrong!” Ayaka couldn’t say she got angry often but that wasn’t the case right now. Thoma was her friend and obviously she didn’t want harm to come his way but this treatment was absurd. But she couldn’t make that decision, she wasn’t the Commissioner, Ayato was. And despite being the Commissioner’s sister, there would still be consequences for disobeying a direct order.
“You think I don’t realize that?! I didn’t know what else to do!” Ayato raised his voice slightly, he took a quick deep breath before continuing, “I just need a little bit more time, a General discovered a potential new lead and its-”
“Well, you better hope that this ‘new lead’ gives you something quickly because you’re going to run out of time to fix this mess, brother.” Ayaka’s voice was stern as she picked up her things, including her barely touched dinner, and left without another glance to Ayato.
Ayato watched her leave speechless. He knew she was right, even someone as kind as Thoma was only going to tolerate so much before he would leave. Ayato wasn’t sure he was strong enough for that.
When morning arrived, Thoma woke uncomfortably, having fallen asleep on the cold wooden floor next to his bed. His throat was hoarse presumably from the crying and less than adequate sleep he achieved. With a sigh he rose to his feet and dragged himself to the washroom. While he would much rather remain here for the day, Thoma knew he could not be so lucky as there was still work to be done.
Despite his restless night, Thoma’s internal clock had still caused him to rise long before most of the estate. He supposed he should be grateful for such an opportunity to be alone but rather, Thoma felt himself longing for someone, anyone really, to serve as a distraction from his thoughts. However, at the present moment that was not available so he set to work on one of his many tasks for the day. Starting with making breakfast for the Kamisatos.
The next week passed with relative normalcy, in fact things seemed to improve, even if it was only by a few hair’s width. Ayato had apologized to Thoma for his behavior over the past several weeks but offered no explanation as to why he was acting in such a manner. However, despite the apology, Thoma still felt as though Ayato was holding him at arm’s length, like he was locked out of Ayato’s world. And the apology itself just felt… wrong, Thoma wasn’t how else he could describe it.
Perhaps the apology and improvement in how he was acting was out of guilt or obligation and nothing more. Thoma wouldn’t have been surprised if Ayaka scolded her brother. Logic told him that this was the most likely scenario but his chest fluttered at the slim possibility it was genuine.
While relations in the estate seemed to improve, Thoma could not say the same had occurred for his health. In fact, it felt like that had gotten worse! His sore throat did not feel any better with each passing day, no matter what Thoma did to soothe it. By the end of the week, it felt as though something was stuck and no matter how often he cleared his throat it didn’t seem to dislodge. It was such an odd feeling, and Thoma couldn’t recall eating anything that could’ve gotten stuck. It was just suddenly there when he woke up one morning.
A few days had gone by since Ayato’s apology and Thoma was taking care of some housework around the estate, specifically dusting and sweeping. Without much notice, he heard some commotion from the entryway, causing his attention to divert there.
“Commissioner! What brings you from your office at this hour?” Another maid had asked, her voice was friendly but there was a hint of surprise evident.
Thoma felt his heart flutter. He couldn’t ignore the pain Ayato caused him, but Thoma couldn’t stop the love and adoration from rising to the surface either.
Ayato hummed in agreement, “I know, it’s quite unusual but work has slowed down for the moment. I happen to be looking for Thoma, do you know where I could find him?”
Ayato was looking for him ?! Thoma took in a sharp breath, his chest tightening. Although, almost immediately, he realized he had been careless. All the dust in the air caused Thoma to descend into a coughing fit. It was intense and surprising enough that he didn’t catch the maid’s reply but presumed she told Ayato he was here as the blue haired man appeared from around the corner. Thoma was barely able to subside his coughs before the Commissioner reached him. Even then, Thoma could feel another coughing fit residing in his lungs, it took everything to keep it at bay.
“Good afternoon, My Lord, what can I do for you?” Thoma flashed a smile at Ayato.
The lavender eyes flashed… something, was it concern maybe, before the serious, frigid look returned, “Thoma, I have an important meeting with representatives from the Kanjou and Tenryou commissions tomorrow. I need you to accompany me.”
“Of course!” Despite answering quickly, Thoma was taken by surprise at the invitation. Ayato hasn’t wanted to spend more than five minutes with him in weeks, why now? Sue him for being a little curious at the timing of it all. “May I ask your reasoning as to why you’ve chosen me?”
“I don’t recall owing you any sort of explanation for my decisions,” Thoma tensed at the words, his fingers tightening around the broom handle. Maybe things haven’t changed at all, he thought. Before he could spiral down that road, Ayato continued, “but very well… It’s a meeting regarding the cultural festival in the fall, your input was much appreciated the last time we held one.” Ayato turned and began to make his leave as he spoke. He paused and glanced back over his shoulder, his voice quiet and soft, “Your presence at meetings has always put me at ease.”
Thoma’s eyes widened. He didn’t hear that right, did he? Ayato had softened his voice just enough in a vain attempt to hide his words from Thoma, but both he and Ayato knew that he heard them regardless. It had been so long since Ayato had said anything of this sort to Thoma, he couldn’t put into words how much he had missed this.
Ayato had turned and resumed his exit, “We’ll need to leave after breakfast tomorrow to get to the Tenryou Commision on time, plan accordingly.” Thoma didn’t have a chance to respond before he was gone.
Although the Commissioner displays quite the commanding presence to the public, Thoma knew he was actually quite introverted and, dare he even say, shy. He was always very vocal, at least to Thoma, about his dislike of social gatherings and diplomatic meetings. Ayato would then follow these criticisms with comments of how Thoma’s presence always seemed to make any meeting pass by faster, claiming it was because Thoma was so good with people. Thoma looked down to the floor, Ayato’s words fully sinking in, Your presence at meetings has always put me at ease . It had never been Thoma’s way with people that made the meeting pass faster for Ayato. The meaning behind the words caused an eruption of butterflies in his stomach and his face to heat up. The moment was short lived, however, by the onset of another coughing fit. Had it really been that long since he dusted this room?
As promised, Ayato and Thoma, accompanied by a guard from the Commission, left as soon as they had each finished breakfast the following morning. Most of the trip was silent except for the occasional conversation offered by the accompanying guard and Ayato. Thoma preferred to keep quiet this morning as he wasn’t quite sure where he stood with Ayato at the moment. There had been so many conflicting signals in the past week, he wasn’t sure what to believe. If asked about his silence, he could say his throat was still bothering him as that also happened to be true.
I should go see a physician about this. If there’s something going around, I can get medicine to treat it. Hopefully no one else caught it. Thoma thought.
The trio reached the Tenryou Commission headquarters shortly after, were greeted, and brought inside to where the meeting would be. It was a simple room, with a large circular table and seating for eight people, located towards the back of the Tenryou Commission building which would help in avoiding disruptions and distractions. Refreshments were set out for the guests, including tea and finger snacks. While he couldn’t comment on the tea at the moment, the snacks looked less than satisfactory, most likely made in a rush, Thoma concluded. However, they seemed to be good enough as the Yashiro Commissioner and the Tenryou Commission representative snacked on them while waiting for the Kanjou Commission to arrive. This didn’t occur until nearly an hour later.
“Typical…” Ayato scoffed softly behind his cup of tea. He took a sip to hide it. Thoma managed to hear the comment and had to cover his mouth to hide his chuckle. He saw Ayato give him a smug smile. Thoma cleared his throat to help compose him and his reddening face.
The Tenryou Commission representative sighed in relief as he reached the table, “Ah, now that all of us are here we can get started. We have much to discuss and follow up on from last time.”
The meeting continued as expected. Thoma sat listening intently as the others spoke on various topics. When necessary, he provided his input which ended up being quite enlightening as he was the most knowledgeable regarding the Inazuman public. However, for most of the meeting, Thoma simply sat and listened, committing as much as he could to memory, as he knew Ayato would most likely need a refresher on some of the things discussed at a later time. Thoma thought the possibility of Ayato coming to him for such a thing now was next to impossible, but he wanted to be prepared. Ayato seemed to like catching him off guard lately.
For a brief few minutes, the topic of conversation managed to diverge from festival planning to trivial, unrelated matters. So, Thoma let his mind rest and wander for a moment as he stared down at his half empty tea cup. That was until a wondrous sound filled his ears. Ayato’s laugh had alway been one of Thoma’s favorite sounds, ever since he first heard it.
When it was genuine, rather than the polite, forced chuckle he used often, Ayato’s laugh lit up his entire face. A bright smile formed that fully reached his eyes. It was such a rare sight considering Ayato’s line of work. Whenever it did happen though, Thoma swore on his own grave that the sun shone brighter. And archons, Thoma hadn’t realized how long it had been since he last heard it, he couldn’t begin to guess but, to him, any amount of time longer than a day was too long. Oh, how Thoma longed to be the one to make Ayato laugh like that, every day, for the rest of his life.
What felt like minutes, but in reality was merely a few seconds, was cut short by coughs creeping up Thoma’s throat. He tried clearing his throat in hopes of not being disruptive or causing a scene. When that wasn’t successful, he took a sip of his tea, which also didn't help. Apparently his predicament wasn’t severe enough to draw attention away from the joking between Ayato and the other representative. Thoma couldn’t decide if this was a fortunate or unfortunate distraction as now he could no longer keep his coughs under control. In between brief coughs, he managed out an “excuse me” before making his way into the hallway outside of the room. There he fell into a coughing fit, but the more he hacked, the more he struggled to catch his breath. Something was blocking his airway.
Was the cause of his sore throat the past two weeks finally about to reveal itself? Apparently it was as Thoma could not control his coughs until the object was at the back of his throat. As he started to get his breathing back under control, he maneuvered the soft, velvety object in his mouth to remove it with his fingers. He stared at it in his hand, his brain taking a few moments to process what he was seeing.
Once he realized what it was, Thoma’s eyes widened and he gasped in shock. He frantically looked around to make sure he was alone.
There’s no way. This is impossible. For crying out loud, this is real life, not some light novel you’d find at Yae Publishing House! People aren’t supposed to cough up flower petals! Hanahaki disease shouldn’t exist. But here Thoma was, standing with a flower petal in his hand that he had just coughed up .
There was an open window nearby where Thoma promptly disposed of the petal. Due to his racing heart and mind, he decided it’d be best to wait another few minutes until he returned to the meeting.
While it wasn’t his go-to plot device in literature, Thoma had read a couple of works which included the concept of Hanahaki disease. The inflicted would cough up flower petals originating from a flower growing in their lungs when the person was affected by unrequited love. If the object of the person’s affections returns the love, or if the feelings fade, so too do the flowers. But if the feelings remain unrequited, the flowers will grow and grow until the victim dies from suffocation. Now, who knows how close those statements are to reality. A nagging thought in Thoma’s mind said that if the mere existence of Hanahaki was accurate to literature then so were its conditions.
A concept so extraordinary seemed out of reach. There was no way this could be true. There must be a coincidence. Maybe a stray flower petal had slipped into Thoma’s food and he swallowed it. Or maybe he had accidentally inhaled one the last time he had to run through a field of sakura blooms. Just something reasonable had to be the explanation. Hell! Thoma would go as far as accepting he was hallucinating to provide an explanation.
If there wasn’t then Ayato, and more precisely, his love for Ayato, was killing him.
Unfortunately, the next few days put a hole in Thoma’s “swallowed a petal while eating” theory. It was like something was holding that first petal back and as soon as the dam broke, they were coming up more and more frequently. Thoma knew that probably wasn’t a good sign. It hadn’t been a week since he started coughing them up but rather than one petal, it was now multiple. He knew he had to find answers, but the problem was he didn’t know where to go. Chances are if he has only ever heard of this in light novels then that’s the only place anyone else has heard of it. People were going to think he was insane if he went around saying he was coughing up flower petals.
At the same time, he couldn’t put this off. Between the petals he coughed up, the tightness in his chest any time he was near Ayato, and the knowledge of how quickly normal flowers grow, Thoma knew he wouldn’t have much time if this progressed as quickly as he assumed it would. Luckily, today Ayaka had sent Thoma out to deliver some messages for her. While it wouldn’t take him all day, he could spend the day out looking for answers and say folks needed his help if he was questioned upon his return.
He left bright and early to deliver the messages which, excluding travel time, only took him a little over an hour. Now using the rest of his day, Thoma went to every physician, medicine man, medic, and any other person he could think of in a related field to question if they knew of Hanahaki disease or something similar. Most of the conversations went the same.
“Excuse me, if you have a free moment I was wondering if I could ask you a couple questions?” Thoma asked the physician in front of him.
“Sure! Is something troubling you? Depending on what it is, it should be a relatively quick fix.” Came the typical response.
“No nothing like that, I’m… doing some research. I was wondering if such a disease exists where the affected coughs up flowers, or flower petals?”
After asking this, Thoma typically got one of two responses: he was laughed at due to the absurdity of the question or he received a very puzzled and condescending look. Either way the answer was ultimately no. And he couldn’t lie and say those responses weren’t valid. It was an absurd question that shouldn’t, under any circumstances, have “yes” as an answer. Some of the people he met even said that the only place they heard of such a thing was in a work of fiction.
So, that was what brought Thoma here to Yae Publishing House. He knew that most, if not all, books in Inazuma, both fiction and nonfiction, were published here. Therefore, if something was ever released with anything relating to Hanahaki, it would be here. Even though he’s narrowed it down to a building, there were still hundreds of books present. Finding the information he was looking for was still bound to be difficult.
Thoma knew he could pull and read as many books as he’d like as long as they remained on the premises and he fully intended to use that to his advantage. He grabbed any and every book he thought could have potential to be useful and removed them from the shelves. This included works he knew included Hanahaki in the plot to factual books on plants and plant related diseases and illnesses. Once he had a decent stack to start with, Thoma sat himself down at a table and began reading.
Hours must have passed, as Thoma was just about finished with his third round of books when a honeyed voice cut through his thoughts.
“Well well, it seems like the little birdy who said the Kamisato’s housekeeper was spending the day at my publishing house wasn’t lying after all.” Thoma jumped at Guuji Yae’s words.
However, he did his best to control his voice as he responded, “Guuji Yae! What brings you away from Grand Narukami Shrine?” He hoped he was successful, but knowing how Yae Miko was just as observant as Ayato, if not more so, then he knew that wouldn’t be the case.
Even though it was only for a mere moment, the thought of Ayato alone was enough to send Thoma to a fit of coughs. He could feel the petals blocking his windpipe and descended just as Yae was taking a breath to respond. While she wouldn’t say she was concerned, Yae Miko knew Thoma well enough to know he was always in good health, so the display of sudden and violent coughing was rather… peculiar. So, she observed, both Thoma himself and the literature surrounding him, all of which had one thing in common. This was only further confirmed by the sight of velvety pink now occupying Thoma’s once empty hand. Her ear unconsciously twitched with intrigue.
“Hanahaki disease.” She said simply with a hum.
Thoma’s eyes shot up to her while still in the process of catching his breath. After a moment, he realized that it shouldn’t be that shocking, Guuji Yae reads every work that comes through her publishing house. Of course, she’d know what it is. However, it was what she said next that really got Thoma’s attention.
“How peculiar… I haven’t seen a case in centuries.”
“You mean… it exists…?” Thoma asked between breaths.
Yae Miko laughed, mainly to herself, “My dear, you’re coughing flower petals. Unless your diet consists of bouquets, I don’t see how else this is possible.”
Thoma felt his face get hot, she had a point. If it didn’t exist this wouldn’t be happening to him. “By any chance, does this have anything to do with that Yashiro rascal?” Lady Yae spoke again. Thoma’s eyes widened and before he really had time to formulate a response, he descended into another round of coughs. This was enough of an answer itself.
Yae Miko hummed to herself, pondering on how to handle the situation, until she noticed the sheer number of petals that had accumulated by Thoma’s feet between the two fits. “Oh my…”
Thoma’s breathing was harsh as he came down from the second round of coughs. “When did the petals start?” She asked him.
“Five days ago.” Thoma answered, his voice ragged.
The Guuji hummed again, “I think I have some information that will be of use to you. Follow me.” She turned and began walking to a door at the back of the publishing house. Thoma glanced at the books he still had out on the table and as if sensing his coming question, Yae Miko spoke again, “Leave them. Someone will take care of them.” So, at that, Thoma followed.
She led the two back to an office, assumingly her’s when she was at the publishing house, and sat behind the large desk in the center. Lady Yae gestured for Thoma to sit across from her, which he quickly obliged. While it made him nervous to no end to be alone in a confined space with Lady Yae, he assumed that she was willing to help him. Even if that meant helping him in her own manipulative and meddling way, she was still going to help him. So, even though Thoma sat there stiff as a board from anxiety, he had the decency to be thankful.
Lady Yae stared Thoma down, noticing his tense posture, before speaking, “Now, I am going to talk and I want you to listen closely. I will try to hit all of the questions you have before you ask them. Understand?”
Thoma nodded.
“Excellent… Hanahaki disease is an ancient aliment that hasn’t been seen for centuries, hence why you had such trouble finding any information. It occurs when the perfect storm of circumstances occurs, unfortunately even I can’t provide you with what those are. Even more unfortunately, it seems you happened to hit every nail on the head. However, it mainly comes down to one main thing: the afflicted is experiencing extreme feelings of unrequited love. Of course, you know this both from your own experience and the literature you were reading. I will save you the repetition of information and tell you that most everything you read about Hanahaki is factual. There are some things that were never included, however.” She paused, mainly to gauge Thoma’s reaction. He had instinctively leaned forward upon hearing that there was more information out there.
“The one thing that has never been included are the potential treatment options. Mainly because besides the obvious of confessing or getting over your love, a third option has been unheard of until the most recent cases two hundred years ago. However,” She paused slightly, glancing at Thoma, “I have a feeling this will be a less than favorable option to you…” She trailed off at the end as she said the last sentence more to herself than Thoma.
Thoma’s heart fluttered with hope. There was a third option? He could treat this? Lady Yae’s last sentence didn’t even process before he was asking, “What’s the third option?”
She sighed at the hope seeping into his words and folded her hands on the desk, “There is a procedure I could perform which would remove the flowers growing in your lungs. It would subsequently prevent you from choking to death. But… it’s not without its side effects.”
Lady Yae had been examining her hands for most of her words but she met Thoma’s eyes at the end. Thoma didn’t like how she said that, his stomach twisting with unease. He wrung his hands together and gulped, “What… are the side effects?”
Looking into Thoma’s nervous green eyes, the Guuji gave her response, “If you choose to remove the flowers at least one of the following will happen. First, the procedure has a chance to fail, part of the flower’s root system could remain in your lungs and regrow. This, however, has the lowest risk of occurring. Second, when the flowers are removed so will the memories of your love be removed. Do not mistake my words to mean the emotions you felt. I mean the person. You will no longer remember who you love when the flowers are gone.”
Thoma doesn’t think he has ever heard Guuji Yae speak with such seriousness as his stomach dropped at her words. “I’ll… forget him…?” He hadn’t meant to say so out loud but his voice sounded so broken even to himself. Thoma couldn’t forget Ayato, his life hadn’t been the same since they met. Not only were they instant friends, but Ayato had given Thoma a life, a home, a family here in Inazuma. Without him… what would become of all that?
From the moment they had met, Thoma couldn’t fathom his life without Ayato in it. He had vowed his life to serve Ayato and Ayaka, if he forgot Ayato, that vow would be broken. He wasn’t willing to break that for mere self preservation. How could he be so selfish to do such a thing after everything they’ve done for him? He is willing to die for Ayato in every other circumstance and scenario, what makes this any different? Thoma would serve them for the rest of his days, however few they may be.
While the decision was clear from the beginning, the guilt that stabbed his heart when thinking about the procedure was enough to solidify it.
“I won’t do the procedure.” Thoma shook his head.
“I’m not surprised…” Yae Miko sighed, “Your case seems to be progressing rather quickly. If you plan to confess, you do not have time to put it off.”
“Confess?!” Thoma nearly shrieked. Nowhere along the way had he planned on confessing his feelings, especially now. Ayato’s actions had made it clear how he feels. Thoma had been ready to accept his fate.
“Oh, please, I have seen how the Commissioner treats you. Confessing won’t go as badly as you anticipate. If you don’t, you will die, that is a guarantee.” Shockingly enough, it was her next words that threatened him more, “My advice: do not let yourself die from inaction.”
Thoma swallowed thickly and nodded at her, indicating he would do as she requested. He slowly stood to leave but one final question made him stop momentarily, “When is it- When do I know I’m-” When am I out of time?
“When flowers start to come up with roots attached, nothing can be done.”
Thoma unfortunately discovered he was going to have even less time than he originally anticipated as the flower petals became flower heads within just a couple of days. The first time it had occurred, Thoma was frightened. Was this the end? Had he misunderstood Guuji’s words? Once it passed and he saw it was only the flower head, his fear had only slightly decreased. He knew it would get worse.
Along with the progressive state of the disease, the flowers were coming up more frequently. Usually he could control his coughs once he knew they were going to occur, typically whenever he happened to be in Ayato’s presence for a prolonged period of time. However, controlling them was becoming increasingly difficult. The coughing fits caught him off guard just as soon as he felt he had control over them.
While Thoma was doing his best to hide his ailment, he knew someone was bound to notice. More likely than not, that someone was going to be one of the Kamisato siblings. So, he began to distance himself from the two. Not majorly as to draw attention, but enough to avoid their prying eyes and limit his exposure to the man that was ailing him. Of course, Thoma should’ve guessed that his change in behavior would still catch their attention.
Ayaka came to his room one afternoon when Thoma was doing some of his own cleaning. She knocked and waited for Thoma’s “come in” before she entered. Thoma didn’t realize it was her before she spoke, “Thoma, I’m surprised you’re here, you’ve been so busy lately. I feel like I’ve hardly seen you!”
Thoma gave a nervous laugh, “Aha, yeah, I’m sorry, My Lady. I kinda got behind on some things around the estate. I was trying to catch up.” It was a lame excuse but he hadn’t prepared something for when he was bound to get confronted just as he was now. Granted, Ayaka hadn’t really confronted him, more so simply expressed a curiosity over Thoma’s absence.
However, that curiosity was quickly out of her mind. Her eyes widened in shock and concern as Thoma spoke. She approached him quickly and put her hands on his face, checking for a fever, “Thoma, you sound awful! Are you feeling okay? You don’t feel like you have a fever.”
His voice really did sound that bad, huh? He guessed he didn’t notice it since he had been hearing it every day. But he presumed the persistent coughing certainly hadn’t helped. His throat definitely felt scratched and abused. Thoma quickly realized Ayaka was waiting for a response. He smiled softly at her, grabbing at her wrists to pull them from his face, “I’m fine, My Lady, I just… haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights.” It wasn’t a lie, Thoma had stayed up late every night since he talked with Yae Miko. Trying to formulate some form of plan, how to tell his feelings to Ayato, or if he would even tell him at all. He was scared, terrified even. If the Guuji was wrong… that would be it. Those nightly thoughts would then trigger the occasional coughing fit, when his mind filled with delusions of what could happen upon Guuji Yae being right . This only aided to keep the housekeeper up longer.
Ayaka sighed in frustration, “Is it because of my brother’s actions as of late? Please do not take them to heart, he’s just a little… misguided right now. I know he cares for you like you do him.” Ayaka continued talking but Thoma could no longer focus on her words as dread filled him. Of course, she would mention Ayato. Now the man was at the forefront of his mind and combined with the flutter of hope that her words brought, he could feel a coughing fit coming on; he needed to do something before he fell apart. Getting Ayaka to leave him without arousing suspicion would be impossible, suppressing and delaying it was becoming increasingly harder with each passing second, and he knew his disease was far past a state being able to simply cover up.
The dam Thoma built in his throat shattered in an instant as he began to cough uncontrollably. They were wet, disgusting coughs. Cut-off and choked from the obstruction in his airway. Ayaka’s concern increased tenfold at the display. Thoma was a picture of health in the nearly ten years she had known him. To see him doubled over, coughing up a lung, gasping for air, she felt panic rise, “Thoma! Are you alright!?”
Thoma nodded his head, desperately trying to convince Ayaka, or maybe himself, that he was alright. But that was hard to do when he couldn’t breathe and standing was becoming increasingly difficult. His vision grew spotty around the edges. Thoma couldn’t help the panic that rose. It had never been this bad before, he didn’t know what to do. When he fell to one knee, Ayaka sprang to action, “I’ll get a physician! Just stay calm!” She raced out of the room. Through his choking, Thoma could hear Ayaka’s frantic shouts to other estate staff.
As soon as Thoma could lift his head to see she was in fact gone, he did his best to quickly stumble himself to his washroom, slamming the door behind him. He coughed and hacked and gagged, desperately trying to get the stupid flower out of his throat. When he could finally feel it at the back of his mouth after what felt like an eternity, he reached his fingers back and ripped the flower out. It stung all down his throat. His breathing was harsh and labored. He let his eyes readjust to his surroundings, the black spots disappearing slowly with each breath. Thoma spit in an attempt to rid the floral taste from his mouth, his saliva tinted red with blood.
He glared at the culprit, freezing as he did so. Not only was it a flower head, but a stem too. It wasn’t overly thick or sturdy and seemed to have been snapped in the middle. But there was still a stem… after a stem would come roots. He was running out of time.
Thoma hung his head, hands clutching the counter with white knuckles. He blinked the beginnings of tears from his eyes and laughed bitterly to himself. Life was so cruel sometimes. The love of his life was killing him and instead of spending his last moments reconciling with him, Thoma would rather distance himself further.
He collected himself quickly, since he knew Ayaka would be returning, and did his best to calm his breathing as he exited the washroom. Thoma sat himself on his bed and ran his hands down his face. How on earth would he explain this? Well whatever he settled on, he might want to think of it fast, since his door was opening to reveal the blue haired girl once more.
“I had someone run to the city to fetch a physician. They should be back within the hour. I brought you some tea with honey, that should help your throat.” Ayaka handed him a warm cup of tea.
“Thank you, Ayaka…” Gods, he sounded awful. Thoma cleared his throat to try and get some semblance of his voice back, “I think I just need some rest, is all.” He tried to flash her a reassuring smile.
Ayaka scoffed, “Oh, please, that didn’t just happen suddenly. How long has this been going on?” However, the concern and utter hurt in her eyes screamed, why didn’t you say something?
Thoma looked away from her. He couldn’t meet her eyes anymore. He could say he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want her to worry but that would only partially be true. Truth is, he never said anything because deep down, he’s a coward. Telling her what was wrong with him would force him to confront it and he wasn’t ready for that yet. It was ironic since he didn’t have time to “not be ready.”
He gulped and plastered on a smile once more, “I promise I’m fine, My Lady. It’s truly nothing, you needn’t worry.”
Ayaka took a deep breath in response and thought, He really isn’t going to tell me, huh? She had noticed more of his odd behavior than she let on. The persistent coughing the past two weeks, the distance he increased after Ayato created it. Something was clearly wrong. She thought that maybe if she feigned innocence, he’d open up. Obviously if he still wouldn’t, then clearly he didn’t think she could help him. That fact saddened her deeply.
Before she could speak again, the door burst open to reveal a concerned Ayato, “Thoma! Are you alright? I was informed of what happened. Are you ill?”
Thoma gaped at him like a fish for a moment. Someone informed Ayato. The man rushed to his side, eyes full of worry, delicate hands reaching for his face. This snapped Thoma out of his thoughts and he jolted back away from Ayato out of reflex, “I- I’m fine, really. You both don’t need to worry.”
Oh no, having Ayato so close, Thoma could feel another round of coughs approaching. And with his strength diminished from earlier, he didn’t have the will to effectively hold them back. Luckily for him, he supposed, since he had just gotten a flower up hopefully these coughs would be far less severe.
Ayato placed a comforting hand along Thoma’s back as he coughed, making sure the man was alright before he spoke, voice full of authority, “Ayaka, the physician you sent for should be here soon. Please escort Thoma to meet them at the estate entrance when they arrive.”
“Of course, brother.” Ayaka answered quickly.
“Please, that’s not necessary. I’m fine, I just need res-” Thoma did his best to keep the dread from his voice as he began to try and once again convince the pair there was no need to worry. Ayato was quick to cut him off.
“You are not fine. You are going to see the physician. That is an order.”
At Ayato’s tone, Thoma reluctantly agreed with a nod. He felt like a child getting scolded. He knew he couldn’t disobey him. Ayato helped him stand before passing him off to Ayaka and the two left toward the estate entrance.
Ayato sat back down on Thoma’s bed and held his head in his hands. How long has Thoma been sick? Why hadn’t he said something? And why had it taken so long for Ayato to notice? Sure, Ayato knew Thoma had been distancing himself but he assumed it was his own fault for the behavior. Thoma had a right to be angry and Ayato didn’t want to push him. Ayato could always read Thoma so well , yet he had remained blind to this.
Looking up from his hands, Ayato noticed Thoma’s washroom door was open. Strange , Ayato thought. Thoma had always thought leaving doors open made a room look disorganized, therefore he tended to keep his own closed at all times. Ayato stood and brought himself to the doorway in four long paces. His eyes scanned the washroom, looking for anything out of place. A pale pink caught his eye.
A single flower, broken along its fragile stem, damp and spotted red. Was that… blood? Ayato carefully picked it up between his gloved fingers and examined the flower, How bizarre…
Ayato couldn’t precisely tell you his line of thinking that led him to head to the Grand Narukami Shrine, but something in his gut told him Guuji Yae would have an answer. Ayato, however, wasn’t exactly sure what the question precisely was as there were a million rushing through his mind. But immediately after discovery of the flower in Thoma’s washroom, Ayato had carefully wrapped it up in a spare handkerchief and left for the Shrine. Upon his arrival, several shrine maidens jumped into action; it was rare for the Commissioner to make such an abrupt visit. He calmly told them their franticness was unnecessary as he was there to speak with Guuji Yae as soon as possible and asked if she was available.
“I will go check with her immediately, Lord Kamisato. I’m sure she’d be willing to accommodate you for the urgency you’ve expressed.” Had been one shrine maiden's reply. Ayato had simply nodded as the girl bowed and rushed off. As he waited, Ayato examined the beautiful scenery that was the shrine in an attempt to calm his mind. Was the physician going to find anything? Would they be able to help at all? What if things got worse and Ayato wasn’t there ? Ayato couldn’t fathom the thought of losing Thoma while he was away. He would never forgive himself. Although, if he was being completely honest, Ayato wasn’t even sure if Thoma wanted his company presently. But he couldn’t help but worry. Had he failed in his attempts to shield Thoma? Had someone still noticed the connection between the two and subsequently targeted the man he loved? He doesn’t think he’s ever felt so hopeless before.
“Commissioner,” The shrine maiden from before spoke, breaking him from his thoughts. He turned to her before she continued speaking, “Guuji Yae will see you now.” Ayato nodded and followed the girl where she led him to the Guuji’s room. Once he had entered, the shrine maiden shut the door to allow the two privacy.
Guuji Yae stood facing a bookshelf she kept, the only semblance of her attention on Ayato being a twitch of her ear, “Commissioner, what’s the special occasion that brings you to my Shrine?”
Ayato pulled out the cloth wrapped flower, carefully setting it on the table in front of him and unwrapping it, “I was hoping you can provide me with answers. I found this in my housekeeper’s washroom.”
Lady Yae’s attention was grabbed by his words. Certainly, this must be the same housekeeper who came to the publishing house last week. The Yashiro Commissioner would not make this journey for just anybody. Her suspicions were confirmed by the sight of the flower on the table. It looked damaged and battered, presumably from when the boy had coughed it up. Between the flower’s mere existence and the Commissioner’s words, the Guuji had it on good authority that the boy had yet to do absolutely anything. She hummed in disapproval before turning back to her bookshelf and scanning until she found the journal she was searching for.
She passed the book to the Commissioner, “The bookmarked section will provide the answers to most of your questions. I will clarify anything, if need be.”
Puzzled, Ayato took the book and flipped it open to the section the Guuji had said. Silently, his eyes scanned the words carefully. As the information processed, Ayato began to connect the dots. The persistent coughing, the distancing, Thoma’s poor heart that Ayato had ripped out and trampled on. Dread filled his own heart. Thoma was sick. Thoma was dying . All because of him. And yet for some, archon only knows, reason, Thoma hadn’t said a word, suffering in silence, knowing with each passing moment he had less and less time.
When he had finished, Ayato couldn’t help but lean on the table to steady himself, “That fool!” Why hadn’t he said anything? Why didn’t he have the procedure done? Why hadn’t he done something, anything, to save himself this cruel fate? Why? Why? Why?
Ayato knew Thoma. He knew the answers to his questions easily enough but that didn’t mean he understood the blond’s reasoning. Naturally, Thoma chose to preserve the feelings of the Kamisato siblings at the expense of his life. What on earth made Thoma think he wasn’t worth preserving as well?
Oh… right.
Guuji Yae’s stern voice broke through his thoughts, “Commissioner, you don’t need me to tell you that time is not your friend right now. The next stage is the final stage. Nothing can be done if it gets to that point.” She hoped her words would work better on Ayato.
Ayato could glare at her, but chose to glare at the table instead.
“As of now, he has chosen inaction, whether that be consciously or not.” She paused for a moment and Ayato raised his head to meet her eyes. He had never seen such seriousness in them before in his life. Meeting his eyes, she continued, “Do not make the same mistake.”
At the Guuji’s words, Ayato rushed back to the estate to find Thoma. He almost missed Ayaka calling for him.
“Ayato! Ayato! I have news on Thoma!” It wasn’t his own name that caught his attention. He turned abruptly to look at her to discover she had been following him.
Ayaka continued before Ayato could ask, “The physician said he just has a minor chest cold.” She smiled brightly, “With rest and some medicine to soothe his throat, he’ll be just fine.” Oh how Ayato’s heart clenched knowing that was farthest from the truth. Her words ran through his head, … you’re going to run out of time to fix this mess… He didn’t have it in him to break his sister’s heart. Nor did he have the time to spare. So he forced the best smile he could manage onto his face and spoke in a calm tone.
“That’s… excellent news, where is Thoma now?” Ayato had never found a lie more challenging to say.
“He should be resting in his room, I brought him tea just moments ago.” Ayaka answered easily. If only she knew. She never would’ve left Thoma’s side if she did and she would have been furious. At Thoma for keeping it to himself, and at Ayato for ever letting it happen.
Ayato nodded and swallowed hard, “Perfect, I want to check on him before I return to my work.”
Ayaka gave him a slightly sadder smile, “He’d appreciate that. Despite all that’s happened, he still cares for you.”
I know that , Ayato thought bitterly, if he didn’t, those cursed flowers wouldn’t be suffocating him. Rather than voice this though, he simply nodded and turned in the direction of Thoma’s room. He listened to Ayaka’s footsteps descend the opposite direction down the corridor, once she was out of ear shot, Ayato sped up. He ignored anyone who called for his attention. There wasn’t time for that nonsense.
He reached the door in record time and wasted no time in throwing it open, entering, and swiftly shutting it behind him. Thoma startled at the intrusion. He had been sitting on the side of his bed, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, head held in his hands. “My Lord- what are you-”
Thoma didn’t finish as Ayato rushed in front of him, “Hanahaki disease. Is that what ails you?” Ayato knew the answer, he just wanted to hear it from Thoma himself.
Thoma gulped at the sudden question, eyes widening. How did he find out? His mind frantically searched for the answer, then remembering the flower. He’d forgotten to discard it. Ayato must have found it and put the pieces together. Thoma knew his silence was going to provide an answer for him if he didn’t speak soon but speaking was going to be hard as he could feel something obstructing his airway. Being in this close proximity to Ayato really wasn’t good for him. But archons, he didn’t want to leave, this was the most Ayato has paid attention to him in months. Thoma knew he didn’t have much time, couldn’t he indulge himself just this one last time?
The silence was ruined as Thoma hunched over himself gasping for air and gagging as he tried to force the flower up. Ayato panicked, was this it? Was he not fast enough? “Thoma!” Ayato called out, his hands hovering around the man’s shoulders, “How can I help?” The fear was obvious in his tone. Thoma was able to vaguely gesture to a waste bin off to the side of his bed. Ayato understood and pushed it into his hands.
With the bucket in hand, Thoma allowed himself to exert more force in his coughs to get the flower up. He was terrified. The next coughing fit and it could suddenly be over. And Ayato was here , was this a sign that this could be resolved? The bloom of hope that had gone dormant sparked to life.
Same as last time, once Thoma could feel the flower at the back of his mouth, he used his fingers to forcibly rip it out. It was the same case as last time, a flower with a fragile, snapped stem. The next few moments were silent, aside from Thoma’s ragged breaths. He took the time to breathe, replenishing the lost oxygen and blinking the tears from his eyes. Ayato let him take this time, meanwhile his mind filled with distraught. There was no one but himself to blame for this. Ayato had abruptly cut Thoma off with no explanation after months of more than friendly exchanges.
He stood and began to pace in front of Thoma to help collect his thoughts. He heard Thoma gently set the bucket on the floor and felt his emerald eyes watching him. Ayato knew the answer but still felt the need to ask, “Am I the one who’s killing you?” He looked into Thoma's eyes.
The way Ayato looked at him with such regret and sadness and the sound of his voice, Thoma couldn’t keep eye contact. He hunched his shoulders, trying to hide himself from Ayato’s gaze. He didn’t want to answer that question. He couldn’t lie to him and hearing it from someone else for once, it sounded so much worse. Ayato wasn’t responsible for the way Thoma felt nor should he feel obligated to return Thoma’s feelings. But, is that how Ayato thought of it? Was he concerned he’d feel responsible for Thoma’s death; was that a guilt he couldn’t fathom carrying?
Ayato took this reaction as an answer, he ran his hands through his hair. “Why didn’t you say anything? Tell anyone? You could’ve gotten that procedure done! It would’ve all been taken care of!”
Thoma’s eyes widened. Ayato… wanted him to get the procedure done. It made sense, Ayato didn’t return his feelings and he didn’t want to carry the weight of believing he was responsible for Thoma’s death. Tears welled in his eyes.
“I-” Thoma began, Ayato froze and looked at him before he gulped and began again, “The thought of forgetting you… hurts more than the vines in my lungs.” Thoma looked up to meet Ayato’s lavender eyes.
“Oh, Thoma…” Ayato felt his heart break. The sight of tears in those kind eyes wasn’t right.
“But I- I can still get the procedure done, if you would like, My Lord… It’s not too late-” Thoma’s hands tightened around the blanket on his shoulders, a tear rolling down his cheek. Even now, Thoma was willing to do whatever Ayato asked of him.
“NO!” Ayato lurched forward, panic in his voice. He fell to his knees in front of Thoma and gently held his face in his hands so he would look at Ayato. He used his thumb to wipe away the tears that spilled from his eyes.
“No…?”
Ayato shook his head, “Please don’t. Don’t do the procedure.” He paused to take a deep breath, “Thoma, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you, and the apology you received wasn’t proper. There was so much more I wanted to say then. So I beg you to please let me do so now,” Ayato paused momentarily for Thoma’s response, when he received a small nod, he continued, “I’m sorry for the bluntness and cold shoulder. I’m sorry for brushing you off whenever you asked what was troubling me. I’m sorry for dismissing you when I normally would’ve asked you to stay. I’m sorry for ever making you feel as though your feelings were unrequited. You should’ve never had to believe that you were anything less than my everything.”
Did Thoma hear him correctly? “You- what!?”
“I was a fool and you have every right to be upset and angry with me, but please believe that I never wanted to hurt you. If I had known this would happen I would’ve been upfront with you from the start.” Ayato looked away from Thoma. Thoma could see the regret filling his eyes and felt Ayato’s hands tense along his face. He gently reached up a hand and grabbed ahold of his wrist.
“What do you mean, My Lord?” Thoma asked softly. Ayato sighed and reluctantly removed his hands while sitting back on his heels. He dug around in his pockets before he found what he was looking for. A single piece of paper.
“Just before my change in behavior, I received this anonymous note.” He stopped to let Thoma read it.
Be careful who you cross, Commissioner. I will go after those you hold dear.
Just a single line, but it held so much power. Thoma looked back up at Ayato to signal for him to continue.
“There were two people I thought of immediately upon reading that. Both of whom, I can’t bear the thought of losing. Ayaka… and you…” Ayato raised his eyes to Thoma’s.
“I thought that by distancing you I could hide how much you mean to me, therefore, anyone watching wouldn’t label you a target. The plan was to continue until the note’s author was caught, however, every lead we found didn’t advance the investigation. We still haven't seen any progress as of now… I refused to let my guard down and potentially put you in harm’s way. Hence, my behavior for so long.”
“You know I can defend myself, why didn’t you tell me? Did Ayaka know?” Ayato shouldn’t have had to carry that burden alone. Thoma would’ve helped in any way he could. Ayato should know that.
“She found out, not by my choice though. I had carelessly left the note out and she happened to read it. She forced me to tell her what I knew. So, I did and subsequently ordered her to not say a word of it to you. I didn’t want you to worry. You would’ve fussed over my safety while disregarding your own. I thought that it would be over quickly and there would’ve been no need to tell you. Then days, turned to weeks, turned to months, and now here we are.” Ayato’s tone was filled with guilt.
“I don’t understand… why protect me ?” Thoma looked at Ayato with doubt. What was so special about him that Ayato felt the need to protect him?
Ayato gently cradled his face once more, his lavender eyes gazed at Thoma with adoration and warmth that had been missing for months. “Haven’t I made it obvious, dear Thoma… I love you.”
“You do?” The hope in his heart was bleeding into his voice.
“Yes! I have for quite some time.”
Thoma took a deep breath, and for the first time in what felt like forever, it was easy. No tightness in his chest or the stabbing of thorns. Were they gone ?
“I… I love you, too, Ayato.” Thoma confessed. It felt so good to say it out loud. Despite saying it for so long, this felt different.
Ayato laughed affectionately, “I know. You tell me everyday.” Thoma’s heart swelled at his words, he knew!
Thoma tested again with another deep inhale. Beside the soreness of his scratched up throat, the pain he had slowly become accustomed too was gone. “I think they’re gone.” Thoma looked at Ayato and watched as he realized the meaning of Thoma’s words. His eyes widened slightly when he did and he pulled Thoma into his arms.
“Oh, thank Celestia…” Ayato held Thoma’s head in his hand and silently thanked every archon he could think of. Thoma eventually returned the embrace after the shock had subsided.
Ayato slowly pulled back after a few moments and spoke, “I want you to take a couple of days to rest and heal. While you physically look okay, I can imagine the toll this has taken on your mind and body.” He stood up and glanced at Thoma’s cup of tea that had gone cold.
“My Lord, that’s really not necessary-”
“It wasn’t up for debate, dearest.” Ayato cut Thoma off and watched his face flush at the pet name out of the corner of his eye. “There’s no need for formalities when we’re alone. ‘Ayato’ is fine, just as you said earlier.”
Thoma blushed harder. He barely remembered calling him by his given name. It had just happened to slip out, “Yes, My- I mean, yes… Ayato.” He smiled to himself, he liked the way the name felt on his tongue.
“I’m going to go make you a fresh cup of tea, you can get ready for bed while I do so.”
Thoma tried to stand up to stop Ayato, “No, there’s no need for you to do that.” Ayato placed a hand on his shoulder and gently pushed him back down. He moved his hand to the side of Thoma’s face.
“I want to. You do so much for me, let me take care of you for once.” Ayato brushed his thumb over Thoma’s soft skin.
Thoma complied after another moment. He watched Ayato walk out of his room with a smile. Once he was gone down the hallway, Thoma rose from his seat and began his nightly routine. He now stood in his washroom, dressed in sleep clothes, and stared at his reflection.
This was really happening. Right…? This wasn’t some sick joke that Thoma’s mind had managed to conjure up? He shook his head. No, this was real. Ayato was getting him tea and the flowers were gone. The flowers were gone because Ayato loved him.
“Thoma? I’m back with your tea.” Ayato’s voice jolted Thoma from his thoughts. He hadn’t even heard the man come in.
“I’ll be out in a second.” He answered. Thoma splashed his face with cool water and patted it dry before exiting his washroom.
He grabbed the tea cup from Ayato’s hands gently, giving him a small smile. Ayato’s own smile faltered, “What’s wrong? You look distressed.” Of course, Ayato would notice.
“I uh- it’s nothing really. I’m just thinking a lot.” Thoma said, trying to avoid the question. He knew any answer he provided would just make Ayato feel guilty.
“Please tell me.” Ayato pleaded, placing a hand on Thoma’s arm, “I’ve caused you enough pain already. If there’s something I can do to help, I’ll do it.” His eyes shone with sincerity and care.
Thoma sighed and scratched the back of his head, “I guess I’m just having a hard time believing all this. Once I had noticed how you were treating me, I started believing what everyone says about me. Since the flowers are gone, I know it’s real but it’s hard to get rid of the doubt.” His hands tightened around the cup, relishing in the warmth. Thoma had sat down on his bed again, Ayato sitting next to him. He grabbed one of Thoma’s hands from the cup and intertwined their fingers.
“But they don’t know you like I do. Nothing they ever said about you is even close to accurate.”
“That’s… exactly why I started to believe them.” Thoma paused briefly, Ayato squeezed his hand to encourage him to continue, “You’re right, you know me better than anybody so when you started to treat me like everyone else does… I couldn’t help but wonder if you now agreed with them. And if you agreed with them…” Then it must be true… Thoma took the silent moment to sip his tea.
Thoma didn’t have to finish his sentence for Ayato to understand. His hand tightened around Thoma’s, this time out of guilt. “I see… ultimately this too is my own doing…” Ayato had cast his gaze down to the floor in shame.
Thoma took his thumb and brushed it across Ayato’s pale skin, “You couldn’t have known any of this would’ve happened. While your actions were a bit… uncalled for, I now know that you were doing it in an attempt to keep me safe. You had good intentions. Besides, I should’ve had better control over my thoughts and emotions-”
Ayato shook his head slightly as he cut Thoma off, “Please, don’t try to place any of the blame on yourself. You never did anything wrong. How you felt all this time is justifiable and reasonable. That was a huge burden for you to carry all by yourself, I made you do that when I forcibly removed myself from you. How you reacted was just as anyone else would’ve.” He turned himself so he was sitting more to face Thoma, the man he loved so deeply but yet had inflicted indescribable pain upon, and placed the hand that wasn’t holding Thoma’s on his cheek. Then he continued.
“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve your forgiveness but I promise you I will do everything in my power each and every day to make it up to you, to show you just how much you mean to me. I know it can’t happen overnight but I will help you to believe everything I say to you for as long as you’ll let me.”
Even though he felt his face heat up at the words, Thoma smiled and leaned into Ayato’s hand, squeezing the other. A silent way of accepting Ayato’s words. “We’ll make this journey together, just as we do everything else.” Thoma whispered back.
Ayato smiled, letting the moment last just a little longer before gently changing the subject, “Finish your tea before it gets cold. I added some medicine that should soothe your throat and help you sleep.”
Thoma chuckled and took a sip, relishing in the relief he felt. Once he swallowed he asked, “Will you also be heading to bed?”
Ayato shook his head, “Not at the moment, if you’re comfortable with it, I’d like to stay with you until you fall asleep before I return to my office?”
“I uh-” Thoma was caught off guard by the request, his face getting hot, “Sure!” He squeaked out.
Ayato’s laugh bubbled from his mouth. His eyes closing in delight, displaying the little crinkles in the corners and Thoma was reminded once again of everything he loved about the man in front of him.
As Ayato had said, this wasn’t going to get better overnight. There were going to be things the pair needed to work on for weeks or even months to come and there were still things they probably needed to discuss. However, none of that mattered right now. What mattered was Thoma lying comfortably in his bed drifting into a peaceful slumber for the first time in weeks, Ayato seated by his side, carding his slender fingers through his blond hair and humming a soft Inazuman lullaby. There were no flowers poking and prodding his chest, no pain from the crushing weight of unrequited love, and no fear of what was to come. Instead these were replaced by hope and Thoma’s undying love for and loyalty to Kamisato Ayato.