Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Can you see my wretched tears?

Burning in my eyes now clear,

All life's vivid colors are blurring-

Tell me exactly what you're leaving behind,

I call your name as I fall from life…

~*~

The blue and red and white all are

Blurring with the light and I

Shout within this world that is muted.

Tell me exactly what you are looking for!

I chase your shadow, collapsing more.

Give me the end these tears have bore…

Killua’s heart is racing like never before. His brother, in all his horrifying glory, has his eyes trained on Gon. Stupid, stupid idiot Gon who’s for some reason glaring right back at him like he can do something.

(A small part of Killua’s heart is also clenched ever-so-tightly in place as he suddenly realizes that Gon must have thought that coming to Killua was absolutely, undeniably necessary. The vow Gon made stated that unless he had to, he wouldn’t be able to come back. He immediately banishes the spreading feeling- because, well, now Gon was in danger. And it's all his fault.)

His voice catches pathetically in his throat from the growing panic that begins to consume him whole. Coco notices his distress and finds that she too feels something similar. Illumi was definitely going to kill Gon, and there was really nothing they could do to stop him. They only had enough magic combined between the two of them to put up a minimal struggle against him. However, now with Gon here, he would be used as a hostage (or a shield, Coco didn’t put that past the cold prince) against them. They didn’t have nearly enough energy to summon Alluka, along with Nanika.

“A human boy, hm?” Illumi’s mocking tone cuts through to Killua and his eyes widen even more. “What kind of filth have you been mingling with, Killu? You are a prince, yet you reek of… normalcy. I am extremely disappointed. I expected something better, especially from someone like you. Are your privileges not enough? Be more grateful, Killu. Now your little tantrum will get your precious little pet hurt.” Illumi huffs as if he were annoyed. His voice holds no emotion, though. Coco bristles from inside Killua’s pouch.

Killua tries to speak, really, he does, but the only thing that comes out of his mouth is a strangled exhale, and then suddenly he’s gasping desperately for air- but his lungs seem to conveniently disregard the innate need for air (even as a magical being) and he quickly starts to feel very lightheaded.

Illumi frowns deeply. Killua can distantly hear Gon's voice yelling something, but the sound is cut off when Illumi disappears from Killua’s blurry vision. It echoes in his head painfully.

When he finally looks up from the ground (when had he looked down?), Killua is on the floor, grasping the grass weakly between his fingers. He struggles to look up at Illumi, who's looking back down at him, carrying Gon carelessly in his arms. Gon is knocked out cold, his breaths almost as shallow as Killua’s. It strikes a terror-like feeling deep into his heart, as if it wasn’t already full of it. Illumi’s deep, dark, and swirling eyes bore into his very soul as he disregards Killua’s clear panic.

“If you don’t want your mutt to suffer the consequences of your mistakes, come back home and stay. Mother will not, and has not taken your disappearance lightly. You will only make it even worse if she finds out that this insignificant human has been taking up your time.”

Useless? But… Gon wasn’t useless. Gon made Killua feel more alive than the magic-restoring posts they had next to each bedroom back home. Gon made Killua happier than when Canary would bring him something new from a different realm. Gon brought out parts of Killua that Killua didn’t even know existed. Gon made Killua… Killua.

The world begins to blur into many colors in Killua’s eyes as he suddenly feels hopeless. Of course, Illumi wouldn’t kill Gon, he viewed him the same as Alluka. An attachment, something to be used against him. Did he already hurt Alluka, then? He feels even sicker to his stomach now.

He abruptly realizes that Illumi is gone, likely in the Faerie realm past the portal. He feels himself rip apart from the inside when he drags himself up and closer to the Ring- to his home realm. It was never really his home, though, not like it was here.

He leaves behind his heavy heart as he clambers into the almost taunting Fae Ring, supported meagerly by Coco, who was using as little magic as possible to boost his energy. 

“ Gon… ”

He needs to save Gon.

The Fae Realm is filled with wonders simply incomprehensible by humans- colors never seen before, creatures with unknown features, and of course, magic. Essence.

Magic pulses through every current living and non-living being in the Fae realm- those who were once alive and those who never lived. It’s not like the cheap magic that wizards in the human realm seem to be able to grasp. No, this kind of magic seeps into anyone who enters and can similarly drag power from them, too. Its unpredictability is what makes it so different and dangerous- that is, for non-magical life forms. Magic is only something someone born from magic can harness, not the weak bodies of humans.

There are also things in nature that are completely different from what humans experience. The rain isn’t water, for example. Instead, it’s a shimmering, silver substance, almost like the element humans call Mercury. It falls slowly and softly, and before it settles, it hovers for just a split second before making contact, as if asking for permission to land. The sky is always navy blue yet it shines like the sun never could. Pixie puffs float around during the dry season and keeps everyone's spirits uplifted.

And everything is connected. The trees’ roots interconnect with each other- so really, it’s all one big tree that has many thick branches. Every species has something called a hive mind- if desperate or urgent enough, it’s not impossible to connect to the ones around you to call for help. Even the houses are simply carved or grown into the earth with the blessing of Mother Nature.

The Fae realm is wonderful. Just as the word suggests, it is full of wonder. Yet when Killua breaks through the Fae Ring, all he can see are its faults.

The creatures bicker with the Pixy for their allergies to Pixie puff. Selfish ones chop down a branch from the Tree when they know that they may simply ask the Dryads to give them some without any harm done. The many puddles of rain melts the skin of the Morain clan, who are susceptible to wet elements.

And of course, the looming castle filled with tyrants. Better known as the Zoldyck Kin. The soft blue, red, and white colors blur together as he continues to glare at the castle. The castle’s base color is white, but there's blue and red adorning it in multiple intricate designs and magic that wards off anyone without permission to enter. Sometimes, the magic manifests itself as a fierce wolf- nothing like a Werewolf or the wolves that live in the human realm. Its shape is similar, but it’s huge and does not host the emotions that normal life would. It manifests with empty eye sockets and a deep growl that shakes its meal.

A once young Killua happily named it Mike when it let him ride on its back. Later he only realized it did so because he was outside of the palace grounds and was returning him back to his family, as commanded. He still likes to think that it was indulging his gleeful giggles when it made grand leaps into the air and howled when departing.

Mike’s blue and red were nowhere to be seen, though, just the normal magical mist greeted him when he approached the palace. He spots small differences in the palace’s interior- new golden banners and embroidery on old ones presented themselves beautifully. He smiles when he recognizes who made them. Canary, a weaver in the palace who’s also Alluka’s personal maid, occasionally brings her equipment to Alluka’s room and they weave things together. At least he can take reassurance in the fact that Alluka and Nanika weren’t completely alone.

His expression returns to a grim one when he remembers why he was back here so soon in the first place. He seethes inwardly at the thought of what Illumi could have done to Gon- Killua had entered the Fae ring a couple of minutes after Illumi, but that translated into a couple of hours here. He hopes Gon didn’t wait for too long. His thoughts scream loudly at him- Your Fault Your Fault Your Fault- and he doesn’t even try to stop them because they’re right. This is his fault, for not being more careful, for not pressing Gon harder to promise that he wouldn’t be able to come back.

Once he passes through the grand doors, the ones there for show, he then goes through the smaller ones that actually lead into the palace. It lets him in without any restraint, recognizing his Essence. He immediately spots Illumi’s shadow, positioned to let him know to follow him but not revealing Illumi’s expression. Killua begins to fast-walk towards the shadow that moves when he does until he’s next to his brother. They are facing the door to his father’s headquarters. Killua feels weak to the knees, but succumbing to his fear has long since been beaten out of him. He doesn’t so much as shudder when he knocks swiftly on the door before opening it.

He knows trying to reason with Illumi to find Gon is pointless. Illumi is similar to Mike, in a way. He only follows orders given to him from the higher-ups, or as high-up as they could get. The only ones above him in status are their mother and father. Rarely does Illumi act on his emotions or wants.

He walks inside, and his father is sitting there, magic too strong for any creature that wasn’t his family. He sits down on the chair his father gestures towards.

“Killua,” his father says, and the utterance of his name by an ancient Faerie causes him to shudder. “You’ve come back. But by the look in your eye, I suppose not for long.”

Killua scowls internally. He should have known keeping up a pliant face wouldn’t fool his father. “I have come to save my friend,” he says curtly, raising a brow. “Unless, I’m not allowed to?”

Silva huffs a laugh. “I see you’ve gained an attitude. That’s good, I feared we beat all the personality out of you. Your friend, I suspect, is in the basement, if you want him so badly. Illumi is waiting there now, though.” Silva shifts slightly in his seat. The magic shifts along with him into something a bit lighter. “Tell me, Killua. What makes this boy so special? To leave our realm, your realm, just to stay in somewhere as boring as the human realm?”

Killua frowns. “The human realm is much more interesting than a place I have grown up in all my life. Especially a place like this. I’m sure you’ve been there before.”

Silva laughs. “I suppose so. To creatures of magic like us, places with so many limitations can be so enthralling and exciting. But you haven’t answered my first question, boy. Tell me about your friend. If I like him, I might spare him Illumi’s wrath.”

Killua ponders. He knows, that no matter how strong the Faerie, they cannot lie. This was a genuine offer. The only problem was that he didn’t exactly know what would please his father, about Gon, that is. “Then, if you dislike him?”

Silva smiles. “Then I give permission to Illumi to do whatever he pleases.”

Tell me, am I breaking down?

All I am is broken now.

Even so I want to keep-

On breathing, just breathing…

Hey tell me if I just saw you,

Like the dreams I have in my solitude,

My words now can't even reach you…

-ERROR

Chapter Text

I've,,, been places.

I'm really sorry for the huge silence with this fic, I promise I do have the chapter (mostly) written out, I'm just having a lot of trouble balancing my classes/grades since I go to both high school and college, and because college applications are up again in January I need to get my application stuff completed which is what I've been working on 😭. All my writing juices have been spent on my college essay(s) (im nearing my 11th draft 💀) and my creative writing class that I'm taking.

There also the fact that this chapter is an absolute BITC-

It's very hard to write. I have deleted and re-written it so many times, smh. I think I'm just too used to writing from Killua's POV that since I'm writing it from Gon's this time its a bit more? complicated?? but i swear I'll have it out soon.

IM SORRY. PLEASE FORGIVE ME MY FELLOW READERS. AUTHOR-CHAN HAS BETRAYED YALL WITH HER PROMISE OF CONSTANT UPDATES 😭 I'm really bad at consistency if you couldn't already tell but this wont remain an abandoned fic i swear (˘･_･˘) gimme a bit and I'll live up to that promise AHA

ill delete this chapter when I update it fr next time 👍

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE. AHA (。_。)