Work Text:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
On average someone takes eight breaths in thirty seconds.
Amanda Rollins held hers tightly, ignoring the fact that she should feel embarrassed over fighting for a measly thirty seconds but she didn’t. She continued to count the way she’d done every time she’d taken a seat on this couch.
It was easy–nobody judged her here, nobody questioned her. Dr. Hanover even seemed to want to dig deeper than the thirty seconds. They’d been working on drilling that into her head for nearly a year.
It was their secret. It was Amanda’s secret.
Hanover would remind her there was no need to hang herself up on them. Those seconds didn’t matter, they didn’t mean anything.
But she couldn’t help it.
Her therapist could try to help her, and try to guide her through it.
But it was like a drawer in her head that would be waiting for her to open, teasing her and taunting her like intolerable children on a playground, and she didn’t have a key.
It was locked and it would remain locked.
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. 20.
Thirty seconds was nothing. Or it used to be.
On average someone’s heart will beat 36 times, and their body will produce over seventy million red blood cells. They’ll blink six or seven times and nearly twenty-five thoughts will swarm their head; unbothered.
That’s what she yearned for so desperately.
It wasn’t time.
She mourned for the before–so many things had changed since those thirty seconds and it felt cruel that she didn’t know what her last thought was before her life became consumed with more what-ifs.
Despite it being well over a year ago, that tiny tiny part of her life remains dark. No matter how many hours Amanda spent curled up on Dr. Hanover’s new emerald couch, she’ll never be able to recall the last seconds of her life before everything changed.
21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.
“I’m…struggling, Liv. If I’m being truthful. Beyond the physical side effects…I’m having trouble remembering something that I shouldn’t be forgetting.” Rollins sat up in her bed, picking at a fruit cup while the doctors worked on her release papers. Her captain leaned against the bed frame.
“You took a pretty nasty spill, Amanda. It’s not uncommon to forget things.” Liv said, peering out the door. It wasn’t the first time Rollins had brought it up since she’d come to take her home.
“But...it’s not even what I was doing before. I know what I was doing. I know what you were doing, I remember where Velasco was, I remember when Fin and Stabler were. I know Natalia was right beside me and Mendez was right behind us.”
“So what is it you don’t remember?” Benson asked, giving up on watching for the doctor.
“I just can’t remember what it was that was going through my head.”
“Does that matter?”
“I-I don’t know. It might. Did I…miss something? Did we all miss something?”
“ESU cleared everything out and said there’s no way we would have seen it. Nobody. It was buried in the wall. Someone tripped a wire for it under the carpet when you guys were coming down the stairs. It was a cover-up. It was meant to…” Benson trailed off, frowning at her Detective.
It was meant to kill.
“We got lucky.” She continued. “Only half of it went off. Thirty seconds was all that was on the clock. It…could have been a lot worse given the circumstances. There were no fatalities, and Mendez is getting the best possible care this city has.”
“Lucky, yeah. Thirty seconds earlier and…” She gazed at her empty cup of ice chips. “Thirty seconds and I can’t remember what would have been my last thought.”
Not that it mattered today, they were here to talk about other things. And did it matter? She’d made so much progress. She’d come so far so she shoved the thoughts down so far she felt them in her belly and focused on the issues at hand.
Current things. Current problems.
Kim, the appointment.
She finished counting.
“Sorry, I’m late, I was at work but also interviewing around for a new nanny and the client pool has been…” She shook her head, shoving that thought down too, the problem mediocre.
“Don’t worry. I’ve been there. I’ve been there. New nanny. That’s another thing to go on the list of new things. How’s the new job going?” Hanover asked after Amanda met her eyes.
“You ask me this every week. I’m not sure I’d call it a new job anymore.” She replied. She’d been at the new job for months at this point and though it did feel very new, she was very happy with where the job took her. Her passion continued, her work ethic thrived. She continued to make a difference. Her home life thrived.
“First job beyond SVU. It’ll always be new.”
“I’m guessing this wasn’t just a social call.” Kat said, eying the brace on Amanda’s knee and the sling keeping her arm stuck to her chest. “
“I’ve just been wanting to talk to a few people…who’ve been here. Nick Amaro, my old partner, was just back in New York. When he left and went to California to be with his kids. Now he’s works with Genetics and Forensic Science. I just want to be sure-”
“Sure you’re making the right choice? I don’t think anyone can make that choice but you Rollins. What did Nick Say? What about Carisi?”
“Nick said if it feels right, it probably is. He used to tell me I make things more complicated than they need to be. We were talking about a job opening at the company he works at. He thinks it might be a good place to start with my forensics background. I don’t know though, I guess I’m still just-”
“Does it? Feel right?” Kat said, interrupting.
“I think so.”
“Then it probably is.”
“I haven’t even talked to Dominick yet-”
“Oh it’s Dominick now, is it?” Kat teased. She buried whatever questions were burning behind her curious glance.
Amanda rolled her eyes. “I’m not sure how…he’d take it. I’m not sure he’d understand.”
“Carisi worships the ground you walk on, Rollins. That’s not a secret. I think he’d be alright with it even if he didn’t understand. But he does. I know that much.” Kat said, looking down at her coffee. “You know, I-I’m not sure how much Fin told you about what happened when I woke up in the hospital after I got shot.”
“He said a little bit, but not much. Just…that you weren’t sure you were in the right place anymore.” Rollins said, biting the inside of her lip. The coolness of the metal under her legs seeped in through her pants and she fought a shiver that crawled up her back.
“He was right. It was weird?” Kat shrugged. “When I came out of the anesthesia, my mind was racing.”
“About what?”
“I was actually thinking about Carisi…about something that he said.”
Amanda’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“Something Carisi said?”
“I asked him once if he ever missed being a cop or had any regrets after leaving.” Kat started, punctuating her sentence with a sip of her coffee. “He didn’t. He said he was where he was supposed to be now. And he knew it. He said it took him less than thirty seconds to know that when he got offered the job at the DA’s office that it was time to go.”
“Hmm.” Amanda pondered.
“I don’t know. It was just something that stuck with me. Less than thirty seconds and he knew his whole life was going to change and he was okay with it.”
“I remember when he told me he was leaving and I thought…it was the worst thing in the world. We were partners for over five years. Even though I expected it and I knew it was coming eventually.”
“And was it? The worst thing in the world?”
“Now? No. Now I think its the best decision he made. He was a great detective but he belongs in the court room. With the way things are now, I don’t have to worry about both of us being...” She shook her head; they both knew what she meant.
“Then, maybe the same thing applies to you. If you think it is time to go, maybe it is. You belonged at SVU for what, the past decade?”
“More than that.”
“Maybe its time to belong somewhere else.” Kat said, setting the cup down. “I wasn’t there that long but if leaving SVU taught me anything, it was that theres more to life than the 16th precinct. There’s more ways I can still make a difference. It was important for me to be somewhere where I can help the victims before they’re…victims ya know?”
“I get that.”
“And I’m doing that. I think you could too. I’ve been working with Manhattan Haven House for the past year and we’re actually getting ready to open another location in Brooklyn.”
“Haven House…that’s the youth shelter for LGTBQ Youth right? Off of 1st avenue?”
“That’s the one.”
“Have you ever thought about Victim Advocacy? I’ve seen how you are with some of these girls. The girl from Ohio?”
“Evangeline.” Amanda said automatically. Girls like Evangeline stuck with her. Girls like Esther.
“Yes, Evangeline. What about helping girls like her?”
They sat there till their coffee got cold. She sat and listened to her friend, another old partner, tell her story of life beyond the Special Victims Unit with an open ear, an open heart, and a questioning mind.
She smiled as they hugged goodbye, promises in the air of doing this again soon, teases about the man she left at home, and an extra squeeze before they broke apart because if she was sure of anything, Kat Tamin was where she belonged.
“I guess.” Amanda frowned. “ It’s going good. Great, actually. I really enjoy it. It feels…”
Deep down, It felt like she was missing a piece to the map.
“It feels like I’m where I’m supposed to be.”
But how did she get there?
There was an explosion.
Natalia’s hand was ripped from hers as they walked out of the house. Uniformed cops trailed behind them and before any of them could utter anything short of a gasp, they were flying.
She didn’t remember anything leading up to how she got there. The ambulance ride was fuzzy, a blur of faces she’d never be able to decipher.. She’d been thrown, the blast wave sending them in all different directions. They left the house thirty seconds ago. There were still people inside.
It took Amanda thirty seconds to open her eyes from the first time she squeezed her hand tightly against Carisi’s.
The lights were bright when she finally did. There was no cold grass beneath her, no one surrounding her checking for a pulse. Her pulse was there, she felt her heart trying to break through her chest. There were pillows beneath her, warm blankets draped over her. She was sitting nearly upright. She sucked in a deep breath, jolting herself free from her head.
“Hey, hey. You’re alright.” Sonny’s voice was comforting. The splotches of color in her vision moved together, forming a familiar figure and she felt herself sighing the first sigh of relief of many. “Just take it easy, Rollins.” His hand never left hers as he scooted closer to her when his eyes widened in panic. She tried to twist and turn, cords tangling and the monitor’s beeping increasing, and he pressed another hand softly to her chest. “Careful. They did some work on your shoulder, arm, and knee. Don’t wanna knock it loose or anything.”
She realized she was elevated in the bed and looked away from him to study the thick black brace and large immobilization sling wrapped around the upper right portion of her body.
“Fractured Elbow, fractured collar bone, and torn meniscus.”
She wiggled her tones once, watching as the dark blanket moved.
Proof she was still here.
She could be in her head all she wanted.
“Do you want water or some ice chips-” Carisi asked, moving away from her to reach for a stack of paper cups as she watched her feet. Amanda’s eyes tore away from the blanket as she tightened her grip and she glanced up at him, freezing study his face.
How quickly things can be given and how quickly they can be taken away.
Those thirty seconds could have changed everything so she spent the next thirty taking him in.
His hoodie that spent so much time at her house it probably smelled more like her than him, his faded jeans. She tried to memorize the warmth in his eyes despite their being a cool blue. There was a layer of shadow on his face and she wondered just how long it has been since she’d been flying. He didn’t fight her or pull away, instead he left the cups behind and shuffled back to her side, sat back down, and leaned forward. Her deep breath wasn’t a sigh of relief, it was her breathing in everything about him, holding him close enough till it tickled her lungs. She tucked herself into his hold and Sonny pressed a soft kiss into her hair.
“The girls?” She whispered when the thirty seconds were up.
“Your mom has them. She wanted to wait till you were up before she brought them down here.”
“Please-” She started and he nodded slowly, pulling away from her another time, this time reaching for his phone on the far table. “I’ll text her right now.”
Amanda nodded, her voice raspy. “And maybe some ice chips.”
“That’s fantastic, Amanda.” Hanover exclaimed. “What about everything else? How are the girls? How’s the leg? How’s the arm?”
“Healing. I’m still down to only PT once a week. My knee still bugs me, but I at least know when it’s raining.” She huffed a laugh. “The girls…they’re doing good. They like the new schedule. We were worried about them after me spending so much time with them when I was home all the time but they seem to have adjusted just fine. They’re happy I’m home for dinner every night.” She confessed.
“And what about Dominick?” Hanover asked, eying the ring on Amanda’s left finger.
“Do you ever thing we should get married?” Amanda asked, popping a piece of popcorn into her mouth.
“What?” Sonny’s eyes widened as he turned to look at the woman with her head against his chest. She kept her eyes glued to the screen where another reality show about love played and the crowd cheered as the happy couple finally got to leave the stage together.
“I mean, do you ever think about it?” She pressed.
“Of course I do.” He answered almost immediately. His mind and heart were already heading for the Line 2 station to make their way downtown to his office where a ring was locked away in his desk. It sat there for longer than intended but it didn’t matter to him. He’d leave it there forever if she wasn’t ready. He knew they loved each other, he knew the bond they had and how close they’d grown, especially in the past year. They’d get there eventually or maybe they wouldn't and that would be okay too because that’s just what you do for the people you love. “I think about it a lot.”
“Can I ask you a question?” She asked, pressing pause. It was always serious when she pressed pause.
“This isn’t you proposin’ to me, is it?” He teased.
“So what if it was? Got a problem with that? It’s the 21st century.”
He rolled his eyes.
“No, Carisi, I’m…not proposing to you. I guess I’m asking why…you haven’t..asked me..” She was looking at him head-on now and he sighed.
“The truth? I wasn’t sure if you were ready. I was…gonna do it over the summer and then everything happened with the job and I don’t know, I wanted you to be in a better place. There was a lot on your plate.”
“What about you? Are you ready for something like that?” She countered, considering his answer.
“You really asking me that? What do ya’ want your ring right now?” He asked, only half joking.
“You have…a ring?”
“I’ve had it a while.” It wasn’t a secret.
“I’m not ruining some big elaborate proposal scheme am I? No fireworks about to go off outside the window?” Rollins said sarcastically, tilting her head and eying the window anyway.
“Is that a yes?”
“Depends on the question.”
“Do you want the ring or not?”
“Yes.”
He shifted, twisting to grab a discarded hoodie on the other side of the couch and stood up to throw it over the t-shirt Amanda had her head on against only moments ago. “Come on then. Grab your shoes and let’s wake the girls up. We’re going downtown.”
“Downtown?”
“I thought you wanted fireworks?”
-
Though she knew (or hoped) there wouldn’t be any actual fireworks, Amanda didn’t question him. They gathered their shoes, coats, and children and piled into his car. It wasn’t a school night, the girls hadn’t been in bed that long. They’d passed back out, heads leaned back and soft snores quickly becoming the soundtrack of the evening as they crossed the familiar route across the bridge into Manhattan. She knew the twists and turns by heart, she took the route almost every day for lunch when she was at the precinct.
-
“Should we be here this late?” Amanda said, peering out at the dark parking garage grabbing a sleeping Billie out of her car seat as Sonny grabbed Jesse.
“It’s only 8:30. I bet there are some junior ADAs or interns still here. If anyone asks, we were on this side of the bridge and I forgot a file to get work done this weekend.” Carisi said, unbothered as he locked the car and adjusted the seven-year-old on his hip.
Nobody said anything as they trailed through the DA’s office aside from the occasional wave from an eager, overworked intern. He locked the door to his new office behind them as they shuffled in. It was bigger than the one he had last year–Carisi worked hard and it showed. They shed their jackets, hanging them on the rack by the door and laid the girls each on one end of the leather couch.
“Are we in your office, Daddy?” Jesse slurred through bleary eyes.
“Yeah, Jess. It's okay though. You can go back to sleep. We’ll be outta’ here in no time.” Carisi whispered and brushed a loose piece of hair out of her face.
-
“You kept it in your office?”
“Sure. You can’t snoop and find anything in the house if it's not there.”
“I wouldn’t snoop!” She said, watching him as he bent over to unlock the third drawer down. He tossed a knowing look her way. She would have absolutely snooped. She had snooped. She grimaced, her eyes looking anywhere but the desk until she saw him straighten and turn towards her, a small black box in the center of his palm.
He offered it to her.
Amanda froze, staring at it as if were a two-headed creature suddenly emerging from his hand.
She’d pictured this a dozen different ways–she’d been proposed to before in the middle of a hospital hallway, nearly fully dilated and ready to give birth to her second daughter, with the man standing in front of her left to watch another man slide onto one knee and for some reason, nothing seemed to fit. Carisi was an enthusiastic guy–he had a lot of friends, he could make things happen if he wanted. Would he take her on a carriage ride through central park at Christmas? Would he ask her in a crowded street? Or maybe he’d take a more classic approach, a nice restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen and a ring delicately placed in her wine glass.
But she never pictured this.
“It’s not going to bite you, Rollins. Just look at it so I can see if we need to take a trip to the jewelers or not.”
It wasn’t a ring she expected–it wasn’t loud or ostentatious.
Truthfully, she’d never imagined what exactly it would look like.
It was a simplistic beauty with diamonds tapering around the band on each side, meeting in the middle where an elegant diamond was nestled tightly in gold. Amanda could tell it was old, the intricate pattern of the gems curled around the band in such a way that she thought it belonged in a museum and not in front of her.
“Was this-”
“My grandmother’s ring.” He confirmed, his mouth twitching with a nervous-half smile. “If you don’t-”
“No, Sonny, I-I love it. It’s…perfect.” She reached for it, asking permission with her eyes to touch it and he only held it out closer to her.
“Good. That’s…good.” He said, coughing to cover the crack in his voice. “Why don’t you see if it fits?”
She picked up the ring gently, turning it in her hands only to admire how the bright office light threw itself in the stone and started to place it on her left hand before Sonny gently placed his hand over hers and helped her slide it into place.
He kept her hand in his as he took a step back, peeking over at the girls, and then back to his girlfriend.
She held her breath and knew the next thirty seconds would change her life again.
“I know I said fireworks, but I didn’t really think that was what you wanted” He whispered as he slid down on one knee. “ I was gonna do it at home, after one of your stupid TV shows or after we made spaghetti with the girls. But that’s alright because home to me…isn’t a place, Rollins. It's where you are and where Jesse and Billie are… and since we all made the trip down here, and since I’m here, you’re here and the girls are here, I guess now is as good a time as any.”
-
“He’s just…happy I’m happy. We’re not really in a rush to do anything. I think with everything that’s happened, we’re happy to just…be for a little while. New house, new job. I feel like every time I think the changes are going to stop, there’s just one more thing after another.” She reached up to adjust her loose blouse, the latest change not something they were going to be able to hide forever.
“Our costumes are ruined.” Jesse pouted, looking down at her barely touched plate. “Why’d Annie have to get sick? It’s Halloween, who does that?”
“How dare she.” Sonny agreed, picking at his own plate across the island and leaning in closer. To the small girl. “I don’t think it's fair to blame her, sweetie. You got sick last week. There’s a bug going around.”
“Is that why Mama is still in bed? A sick bug?”
“Maybe.” He hesitated, “But I…think she had a long week. I thought she should sleep in this morning.”
Sonny deflected.
“Why’s your costume ruined?”
“We’re supposed to be Thing 1 and Thing 2…I can’t be a thing 1 without a 2, Daddy. It doesn’t work that way.” Jesse explained.
“I guess not.” He stated, obviously. “What about Billie? Can’t she be your Thing 2?”
“Billie cried last time I asked her to dress up. Can Carmella come with us?”
“Aunt Bella took her to Connecticut to see Aunt Teresa. I think your pickings are slim, Jess.” Sonny said, “Eat your pancakes before your Mama steals them.”
“Slim pickings for what? Jess, did you eat all my blueberry pancakes?” Rollins teased gently closing the door behind her. The fresh smell of bacon lured Amanda out from her late morning in bed.
“No, Mama. Daddy made extra just for you.” Jesse said, the problem was tabled (for now).
“Of course he did.”
-
“My mom texted me – She…wants to know if we might want to take Mason for the weekend. They’re trying to get things sorted in the new apartment and Jim thinks its going to be too much-” Amanda started once she’d filled a plate with homemade breakfast.
“Of course we can take him.” Sonny said, washing the remaining dishes in the sink. “That solves your issue too doesn’t it, Jess? You and Billie can be Thing One and Thing Two and we can find Mason some kinda hat to go as the Cat.”
Amanda smiled as Jesse seemed to accept his proposal and turned back to her pancakes–-a days worth of anxiety for her daughter solved in less than thirty seconds.
-
“Halloween candy for three kids. Wonder what lessons are gonna’ come out of this weekend?” Sonny asked later when they were alone.
“Get them used to sharing.” Rollins said, rolling her eyes.
“We’re gonna have to tell them eventually.”
“I know. I just- I don’t think it's the right time yet. There have been so many changes lately. And now, with everything going on with Kim and Mason…Let’s deal with that first. I want to be happy when we tell them, not stuck worrying about everything else.”
“I think you’re doing better than your giving yourself credit for.” Sonny said, wrapping his arm around her.
“You think so?”
“I know so. Happiness looks pretty good on you.”
“Well, you’d know.” She said, closing the distance between them to tuck her head into the crook of his neck. “It looks pretty good on you too.”
“I thought it’d be…harder after leaving SVU to be happier. Being a detective was such a big part of me that I didn’t even think about much else. I had the girls, the job, you. It seemed like everything fell into place until…”
“I guess that’s the beauty of life,” He said, stepping back to admire her still flat stomach. “We grow.”
“That’s not always a bad thing.” Hanover said.
“I guess not.”
“Have you thought about anything we talked about at our last session? How’s your sister? Have you heard anything from her? What’s going on there?”
“I’ve tried to reach out to her but…nothing seems to make her wanna budge. She’s been out for a little while,, I just don’t understand. She’s gotta be…” Amanda trailed off, shaking her head and going down the road she’d ventured down too many times. It seemed no matter what she did, all roads that led to Kim were pothole-filled highways leading to nowhere.
“Just have mama tell him it’ll be a few more days.” Her younger sister huffed over the phone in a whiny voice that with one decibel took Amanda back decades. Two young girls vying over their father’s misaligned attention when he was home for the first night after a row of benders or a toy Beth Ann got her hands on for the holidays. Her head hurts almost as much as her heart does.
“You said that last week, Kim.” Amanda sighed and tilted her head to cradle her cell phone in her neck. She’d been out of prison for a few weeks now, and the bed made up for her in Rockland County remained untouched. “Can’t you just call him? It’ll take 30 seconds to tell him you love him.”
“I’m not ready yet, Amanda. He’s got to understand that.” It took her a long time to recognize it, how different they were. Everything she’s faced in the past year had taught her more than things just about herself. They were once so similar and she prayed from deep in her gut the horrified look on Kim’s face after Jim’s first health scare would knock into the straight-laced lane for good.
It didn’t look like it was enough. It was never enough, would never be enough. That was the point. Things like that made her only more sure of her decision. Her year had been full of nothing but changes and the upward bound continued, plentiful in so many aspects of her life–love, wealth, family. Her relationship with Jim and Beth Ann was no longer on thin ice. Even blood that once was as runny as water thickened over the course of time, over their changing acts. Life scared them, life ran them through the ringer until they couldnt run anymore and it let them fall, like dominos with nobody but themselves to pick up the pieces. They offered more than just grunts and nods, no more complaints but instead questions, and concerns. Her parent's word slowly became more than just words.
Her sister though.
Her sister.
“He’s your son, Kim.”
“I know that, Amanda. You gotta trust me, big sis.”
“You can’t just-”
“Mama and Daddy have no problem keeping him right now. He’s doing good, Amanda. Mama said he’s doing real good.”
“I know he is Kim, I saw him last week.”
“Since when do you have time to get up to Mama’s so much? I thought NYPD only tightened the leash when you get promoted.”
“Kim, I don’t-”
I don’t work for NYPD anymore.
Things have changed.
So many things.
“I make time to...go see them. He’s gotten real attached to Sonny.”
“Sonny?”
That changed too.
“Yep. That’s…a thing now. Has been for a while.”
“Wow, look at you. Seems like you got it all figured it out.”
“Kim, I really think you need to…see Mason. He needs his mother, Kim. He asks about you.”
“Amanda. A few more days, that’s all I’m askin’ for.”
“Part of me wants to just…stop. ” Amanda said earnestly, looking at the rug.
“Stop?”
“Give up. Cut her off. Everything is so…good now. It seems like after a year of madness, she’s a hurricane coming to rip the door off of everything I’ve built. I’ve done it so many times–rebuilt because of her. I just don’t know if I can risk her best intentions hurting me again.”
“Have you ever thought about writing her a letter? Telling her how you feel? It might make you feel better.”
“And what? Send it?”
“That’s up to you.”
“I’m not sure it would help. I doubt she’d even get it. My parents aren’t even sure where she’s at. Something’s different this time around. She’s got a kid now and she’s just going to-.”
“Mason, right?”
“Right.”
“If you can’t write a letter, remember what we talked about. Thirty seconds. Take thirty seconds and write what you feel. Or yell it. Type it. Sing it.”
Kim,
I don’t intend to send this letter. Ever. Or show it to anyone. Not to mama, not to daddy. Maybe not Dr. Hanover or even Sonny. Dr. Hanover is my therapist–go ahead and laugh at the formidable, deadly combo of me and therapy. I never took therapy seriously until recently but I saw how much it helped me–help me grow, help me forgive, help me love.
I’m writing because I think part of you would understand where I’m coming from.
It’s been a hell of a year and I think is the year I stop hiding how I feel, hiding my own feelings to benefit others. I nearly died this year. I didn’t tell you about it. I’m not a detective anymore. I couldn’t do it. It took me a minute, but I think I outgrew it and I didn’t know it until I had to know it.
I’m outgrowing a lot of things.
I think it's time you outgrew them too.
I love you but I don't think you’ll choose me, or mama. I don’t think you’ll choose Mason. And I can’t tell you what to do, who to choose, what to pick up or what to put down but what I can do is choose for myself.
I know you can’t help it, Kim. You’re too damn selfish. And that’s okay.
-
It took more than thirty seconds to sum up thirty years of baggage into three measly paragraphs but it took her less than thirty seconds to press delete.
-
“I’ll try it. As much as I want to shut the door on her, I just think it's going to be a lot harder than I think to…just let her go.”
“You’re probably right. But, if it's something you decide…I think you’ll figure it out. You’re strong, Amanda. You’ve got the right tools. Who knows, maybe she’ll see how far you’ve come yourself. She’s struggling now, but maybe she’ll be inspired.”
“Kim Rollins inspired? Have you been listening to anything I said about her the past few years?”
“Of course I have Amanda, I just think you can be surprised by people. Especially ones that love you.
She’d come up with about thirty different ways to tell him, to avoid telling him, to bring up the subject, to deflect the subject. Naturally, it came out at the wrong time, in the wrong place.
The restaurant they were in was fancy with chandeliers hanging in the center of the dining room, live flame candles caused their silverware to glow in the dim light. It was uptown, she wore a dress and he didn’t bother changing out of his work suit. They sat in silence, something they started nearly every meal with since she’d gotten out of the hospital. She couldn’t bare another minute of wasted time, wasted minutes but she couldn’t seem to string the right words together.
It was their first night out in weeks unaccompanied by two children under the age of ten.
It became a new routine for them–the silence. She took a leave of absence from work, he took some time but eventually had to return to the daily grind of the DA’s office. Not that Amanda wanted much help after the first week and he’d crack a smile, but watch her like a hawk for a slip. Together, every night, they’d sit down with takeout from a new place or an old place, or a home-cooked meal with the girls filling the silence before anyone can point out the tension, the stiffness of the air. They’d discuss Sonny's cases, Amanda’s physical therapy sessions, and Doctor’s appointments. They never talked about the fresh breath of air Amanda felt being home tucking her girls in every night or the phone calls with her mother, the eagerness that grew in her chest with promises of movie nights and the ‘if we don’t get to it tonight, we can get to it tomorrow’s.
They never talked about how Amanda scooted a little closer to Sonny at night, taking in every moment of going to sleep together, and waking up with the early lights of New York City. It was something she didn’t know–an unfamiliar territory she felt guilty for enjoying. She knew it wasn’t forever, but once she’d gotten a taste at life on the other side, a life not worrying about whether or not she was going to come home or not, whether or not her perfectly built slice of life would get disrupted by the cruel fates of the real world.
Thirty seconds went by and then another.
“I think I’m done.” She breathed.
“With dinner? You’ve been raving about this restaurant all wee-
“With SVU.” And when the words left her mouth, all the tension in the room melted away. She sat up straight, no longer feeling the need to slump. The weight was gone. Sonny didn’t say anything and kept his eyes trained on her with a razor-sharp focus, giving her the floor to speak her piece. He’d been waiting for this, for something.
“I’ve been there twelve years and I’ve been…through so much with the unit. So much of my life has come out of it and I can usually…bounce back from things. I’ve learned it's better just to get right back on the horse, but, Carisi, I…don’t think I can. I don’t know why this is so different. I’ve been shot, taken hostage, kidnapped. But this was so..different. I can’t think of another word for it. If that bomb had gone off thirty seconds earlier, we wouldn’t be sitting here. I’d be…Jesse and Billie would be- “ Her voice shook, the what-ifs still making her spine tingle. She saw Carisi’s chest tighten, he hated it when she brought up the what-ifs. She got it. She hated it too. The words were like ice in her mind but speaking them aloud all but shattered her heart all over again. Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes and spilled over, despite her attempts to blot her face with the cloth napkin. She tried to keep her voice down but slipped.
“I don’t know what’s different. Maybe…it’s because I’m in a different place. I’m not the same person. I didn’t have what I have now before and the idea of screwing it up and leaving my girls alone, leaving you alone. I can’t do it, Dominick. I love the job—I really do but…” She trailed off to dab her napkin again before her vision became blurry.
Kat’s voice nagged her at the back of her head and she saw the tenderness in Carisi’s expression. She was an idiot for ever thinking he’d be anything but supportive.
“I talked to Kat.”
“Kat? Tamin?”
Amanda nodded, “And Nick.”
“And?” He asked, offering her a small smile.
“Did you know Kat said it was you who convinced her that she should leave SVU?”
“Me?”
“Okay, not you. But…something you said. About being where you’re supposed to be and having no regrets. I think…that’s where I am. I think, no, I know I have no regrets about being a detective but maybe it's time for something else. I talked to both of them…Nick said if I wanted, he could pull some strings at FORYM. I could try out something with my Forensics degree, I don’t know, maybe I could get a masters. Or Kat mentioned something about working in Victim Advocacy. For years, my whole world was a detective, chasing down victims, working sex crimes but I’m starting to learn that the world is a lot bigger than I thought. I don’t need to…fight to have a family. It’s not a game of one or the other. Who's to say I can’t have both?”
“Kat did it, Nick did it. You did it.” She said, “And I think I am too.”
He smiled at her–a grin that differed from the ones he’d given her recently. Unshed tears pricked at the corner of his eyes. He wasn’t smiling at her, for the first time in weeks, he was smiling with her–for her.
“What do you think?” She asked, reaching to place her hand over his. He held her eyes.
“I think the world better watch out.”
“You don’t need to tell me twice. I thought Liv would hate me after leaving. On my last day at SVU, I think I practiced what I was going to say to her a thousand times.” Rollins admitted.
It seemed silly now.
“I don't think Olivia Benson could ever hate you, Amanda.”
“Maybe not, but…I didn’t do her any favors leaving her short-staffed.”
“I know them and I know Captain Benson. They’ll find a way through it. You said you helped them train a new detective before you left. I’m sure they appreciated that. ”
“Maybe…but there’s only so much you can train an SVU Detective. A lot of it comes from people on the squad. I’d of been a sitting duck when I came up here, fresh from Atlanta, had they not had my back. What did we just say–somehow all roads lead to Kim Rollins?” Amanda fought the urge to roll her eyes again at the thought of her sister’s past antics, but she felt warmth rush through her with every passing heartbeat.
Even Hurricane Kim couldn’t shake that family.
“What’s the point of the squirrel?” Velasco asked, setting down a stack of two empty evidence boxes down. He stared curiously at the creature encased in glass standing on the corner of Amanda’s desk.
“It’s a chipmunk. Name’s DC.” Fin said, reaching for the framed pictures.
“DC? Like Superman? I didn’t know Rollins was into comics.” His eyebrows rose to the top of his head and he nodded in appreciation, reaching for the offending object.
“She’s not. I named it. Stands for Dead Chipmunk.”
He pulled his hand back as if Fin’s words slapped him on the wrist.
“Alright, what’s the point of the dead chipmunk?”
“It’s a Georgia thing.” Rollins answered him, coming into the bullpen, shifting a small box tucked under her good arm to the ground next to another box filled with things from her locker, and swiped the creature off the corner before Velasco could get any closer.
“That means don’t ask.” Fin said, tossing a set of notebooks from a drawer in the box nearest to him. “There’s 12 years of shit in here Amanda. You ever take anything home?”
“Only myself.”
“Hm.”
“And Carisi.” Velasco added.
“Now that guy knows how to clean out a desk. I think he only had like one box when he left this place. Why isn’t he the one doing this?” Fin complained.
“Carisi’s working on getting you guys a warrant so you can do some actual work.” Benson said, emerging from her office. Her voice was lower, softer, than normal, stuck in her throat and Amanda had to busy herself with whatever knick knacks her fingers were on to keep the nerves at bay.
“Velasco, Muncy just called and she’s going back down to the hospital to talk to one of the nurses. Why don’t you go try to keep her in line?” Liv suggested.
The detective nodded, turned to grab his phone, and then froze as his eyes’ landed on Amanda. He really wasn’t good at goodbyes, but the way his face pulled together into a tight frown gave him the edge he needed to take a step toward his partner.
“I know we’ll see you around. But, uh, I know that this place isn’t gonna be the same without you, blondie.” He could only nod his head before turning quickly on his heel and moving toward the elevator.
“Hey Fin? Could we…have a minute?” Liv asked.
“Yeah. I’ll…go check on that warrant.” Fin said. He set down the box he was filling and glanced up at Rollins. Her first partner, someone worth taking a bullet for. “I’ll be a back to finish this.”
“Don’t be too hard on her.” He teased, causing Benson to scoff.
He patted Amanda twice on her uninjured shoulder for good measure and followed Velasco out.
Something in the box Fin left caught her eye and before she could stop herself, she was reaching in to grab it. It was the framed photo from the center of her desk–professional, of course, to print for your walls, Rollins–, taken by a man that loved his camera almost as much as he loved her. The squad’s smiling faces stared back up at them and she quickly realized just how much had changed since they gathered in the small church for the baptism of Billie Mabel Rollins.
“I have the same one framed in my living room.” Liv said, peering over her shoulder. “A Dominck Carisi original.”
“Yeah. A picture with the god-parents and one’s behind the camera.” She derided.
She never understood why Carisi hated being in photographs.
“There’s always one.” Liv laughed. “Besides…there will be other opportunities for us all to be together, to take another picture. Billie’s almost four feet tall now, that’s enough reason for another.”
“Yeah…” She smiled and put the photograph back into the box. “There will be.”
A thick silence passed through the bullpen and Amanda swore she was going to need to count to thirty.
“Are you sure?” Liv asked for the last time. “You…I gotta ask one more time. For my sake.”
“I…really think I am, Liv.” She answered. “It’s just something I have to do.”
“I understand that.”
“You told me once that…sometimes life just sucks. And you know, it did. It still does sometimes.” She flexed her knee out of habit. “But you also told me it gets better and that’s exactly what's going to happen.”
“It will, Rollins.” Liv said, “It really will.”
“I know. Therapy…is a wonderful thing.” Rollins laughed, scrunching her face as a rogue tear escaped her eye. “God, tell the Amanda Rollins that walked through those doors on her first day that she’s in therapy now. She’d peel outta her so fast…”
This was the day she was dreading. She pressed her lips into a tight line as she reached up to wipe the tear.
“Liv, I…don’t know how I can ever say thank you.”
“Don’t thank me…it was Cragen that brought you here.” Her captain quipped.
“Right. But…as much as I appreciate Cragen…he’s not you.” Rollins said, looking toward the ground. “You’ve seen the ugliest side of me and yet still just taught me…so much, Olivia Benson–about the job, about surviving in this city, about being a mom. And I’m just not sure how to…” She laughed again, not trying to conceal the falling tears anymore. “I’ve done this a thousand times in my head and it's worse than I imagined. I wouldn’t have lasted thirty seconds without you. You’re not just my Captain, you’re one of the closest friends I’ve ever had. And I just need you to know that.”
There are good guys still out there Amanda.
Sometimes we need a little pretty.
Liv looked at her, slightly wrinkled lines running down the sides of her nose to the corners of her mouth as a smile tugged at her lips.
“You too, Rollins.” She said. “All of you. You’re not just friends, you’re family. My family, Noah’s family.” She took a breath and glanced at the elevators. “I’ve watched so many of you walk in those doors and then back out of them to head back out into the world. And I know you’re gonna be…the best version of yourself in wherever you end up but…Velasco is right.” Liv reached up to swat at the corner of her eye. “It’s not gonna be the same around here without you, Detective.”
Then, she stepped forward, wrapping one arm around Amanda, trying her best not to dislocate the slung contraption that was strapped around her, and hugged her.
-
“Any plans for the weekend? It’s Halloween.”
“Yeah…We’re going to take the girl's trick or treating…tonight, actually. We’re gonna take my nephew too. We might meet up with Liv and her son, and Fin and his family for dinner afterward, just like old times.”
“See! They’re getting through it just fine.” Hanover said. “How do they feel about your new job? I’m sure you see them every now and again with where you’re working.”
“They’re dealing with it. Like you said, they’re getting through it. Liv mentioned something about watching her detectives walk through the door. But she failed to mention the door was a revolving one. Sometimes it's like I never left.”
“What else has changed about it? Is there anything that was tough? Or things that are familiar?”
Amanda shook her head and let out a laugh. “Honestly, I think one of the hardest things to come out of this on the work side was Dominick trying to find a new lunch place for us to meet in the middle since I’m across town now. Some people take lunch so seriously.”
“I get that. Who doesn’t love a good lunch spot? Well? Did he do it? Did he find a good one?”
“He did. Halfway down to the inch. And it’s nice. There’s a little normal during the days. It’s always nice to have a little piece of what we used to have-.”
Amanda’s answer was interrupted by the shrill shriek of an egg timer sitting delicately on the window. She filled her lungs back up with the air that had just escaped and pushed her thoughts back down.
“Shoot, that thing resets every minute.. I don’t normally put a timer on but you asked for a shorter session than usual…” Hanover explained.
“Yeah. I-we have an appointment to get to this afternoon before we head home and get the girls ready.”
“Right. You did say that when you left me the message. Those thirty-second voicemails, I swear they go in one ear and out the other. Back to the regular time next week? An hour?”
“About that. I was actually thinking…what if we did them a little less frequently? Or tried it. If I think I need to pick it up again, I will. There are some things coming up and honestly? I think I’m in a good place or I’m so close to getting there that…I think our conversations are gonna be pretty boring. I think we’ve gone so deep that there's not a lot more to..cover.” Rollins said, shifting her hands at her side.
“And that’s not always a bad thing to combat. My job is to give you tools, help you and guide you so you know how to navigate these things...Let’s start with just once a month. As you said, if it doesn’t work, we can adjust. You know my door is always open for you.” Hanover smiled. She’d been through thick and thin with Amanda during her days as a detective and even considered her somewhat of a friend. “Sometimes therapy can be like a prescribed medicine. You need it to heal. But sometimes, it can be like a vitamin. Not required, but it makes you stronger anyway.”
“It makes me stronger. Count to thirty.” Rollins said aloud, voicing something they’d started doing in the early days after the indecent, as she got up, grabbing her jacket from the hook closest to the couch.
“Thirty.” Hanover nodded. “Remember that. Thirty seconds is enough time to do damage, but it's also enough time to create something beautiful.”
-
“Ready?” Carisi asked, closing the door behind him and she nodded. This was another change. She’d been to this doctor more times than she could count on one hand–Dr. Krisel saw her through her pregnancy with Jesse, and her pregnancy with Billie, much to Al’s dismay that she wouldn’t convert to another one in a fancier neck of New York City. She faced the old blue waiting room chairs alone each time–waiting patiently for her name to be called, a hand resting on her middle. Every once in a while when she wasn’t feeling herself she’d eye the couple sitting there, some old, some young--the ones with a man beside them from the start- and wonder just what it would have been like.
“Yeah, let’s go. We’re already running late.”
“Sorry, Parker needed a hand with somethin’ and I couldn’t just let him loose to wreak havoc on the DA’s office..”
“I told you that you didn’t have to come if couldn’t-”
But she didn’t have to wonder much. She knew what it was like thanks to the man next to her who adjusted his tie like he was meeting someone’s attorney and not their 9-week-old baby.
“Please Amanda, they’d have to keep me back with a ten-foot pole before I let you go in by yourself.”
“I know.”
“Let’s just go in before we-”
The buzzing of her phone in her jean pocket stopped her mid-sentence. She frowned as she pulled it out, thumbing the small device and furrowing her brow at the screen. It was a number she didn’t recognize.
“Unknown number. I have to take it, it could be work.” She scowled.
“Aren’t we-”
“Just go sign in for us and take a seat. It’ll be just a minute-”
“What, who am I supposed to sign in?” He said dragging his eyes from hers straight to her midsection.
“Carisi, you passed the bar. I’m sure you can figure out some paperwork.” She hushed him, shooing him off.
“Amanda, it's Kim.”
“Kim? Who’s phone is this? This isn’t the number you called me from before.”
“No…it’s not. This is my phone. It’s new.”
“Okay?”
“I tried to call Mama but she wasn’t pickin’ up the phone.”
“She wouldn’t be. She’s busy with the new apartment, Kim. They’re bringing Mason down to stay with us for the weekend.”
“Mason’s going to be with you?”
“Yes. They don’t want him running around with all the boxes and Daddy’s old stuff. Besides, it’s Halloween. We’re taking him trick or treating with the girls.”
“Just you and Sonny?”
“We’re gonna meet up with Olivia and Fin.”
“Could…I maybe come? Or meet you. Just for a few minutes even.”
“Just a few minutes? Kim, are you clean? Are you in any kind of state to be around Mason? Mama hasn’t heard from you-”
“Yes, I’m clean.” Kim said. Her tone was stronger, less shaky than she’d been on the phone in the past. There was something new trickling into her words. “And I know, Amanda. I know. Look I’m staying in a motel in Harlem–I’ve been savin’ for an apartment since I got a job on the inside. And I-I’m scared. That’s why I said I needed a few more days. I didn’t wanna get his hopes up. I’m about to sign a lease for a place for us. For me and Mase. I don’t wanna live off of Mama’s hand anymore or yours for that matter. I can’t.”
It was hope.
She was silent as her sister poured out her soul.
“I’m tellin’ the truth. Look, forget a few minutes. Just 30 seconds. I don’t even need to say anything to him. It’s Halloween, I’ll wear some stupid costume if I have to-”
“Kim-”
“I’ll do anything, Amanda. I’ll take a test right in front of you if I have to if you don’t believe me.”
She was still outside, leaning against the stone arm of the stoop. Her phone was cradled in her neck again, and she listened, considered, and then nearly dropped her phone to the sidewalk. The scrape of the glass door startled her when Sonny stepped out, a frantic look on his face.
“It's our turn.” He half whispered, half yelled.
Amanda released a breath and nodded.
“Amanda?” Kim said from a borough away.
Nearly thirty seconds had gone by since she’d said a word.
“Kim, I gotta go. Just... meet us off of Bedford Avenue around 5.”
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
“Thirty seconds and I can’t remember what would have been my last thought.”
If she were to die today, what would her last thought be of?
Thirty seconds was all that stood between her and an entirely different life, potentially no life. . If she took an educated guess, those thirty seconds were conceived without much incentive – it was the end of a big case, several units of the NYPD dedicated hours to save that woman’s life. She was tired, she wanted to go home.
Maybe she thought about the celebration afterward–beers we’re on Velasco.
Maybe she thought about a new recipe Sonny couldn’t shut up about and insisted on them trying that night.
Maybe she thought about the number of steps it took to get from the house to the car.
Maybe she thought about the blanket tucked gently around the victim’s neck as they walked her away from tragedy.
Maybe she thought about how the girl and her family reminded her about her and her sister. Her sister that was in prison– what was she doing?
In the beginning, she needed to find those thoughts, she fought for life before. Before the world, such a small world now that she thinks about it, collapsed, before her life as she knew it was utterly flipped upside down and inside out. Those thirty seconds became her obsession–a never-ending stream of questions and what-ifs.
Did she think about Jesse?
Did she think about Billie?
Did she think about Sonny?
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
Maybe she did. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe she knew she wouldn’t have actually died, because if she was, surely those most important to her would come rushing to the front of her mind right?
Wrong.
If she learned anything at all–it was that they wouldn’t. Life could be over in the blink of an eye, the flash of a second.
Sometimes you didn’t have time for eight breaths in thirty seconds because you took your last when you counted to one.
So despite the what-ifs, she decided to let it go. The drawer in her head could stay locked. She didn’t have those thirty seconds of darkness when there were so many full moments of light in front of her.
It took thirty seconds for the tightness of Sonny Carisi’s face to melt away when there was a small, alien-like sound coursing with life through the room of the Doctor’s office. It sounded like water sloshing in a bucket but it was a sound he’d never heard, a sound he didn’t think he’d ever hear. Thirty seconds of evidence that they could move on, that things changed, but no matter what course, life would still thrum through her like a livewire.
It took her thirty seconds to realize she was crying.
It took thirty seconds for Billie to burst into jealous tears once she finished painting the whiskers on Mason’s face after they shimmied him into a large red striped hat and dark pajama. It took thirty more seconds for her to equal the playing field – who said thing 1 and thing 2 couldn’t have whiskers?
It took thirty seconds for her to realize maybe Kim Rollins was telling the truth when she hugged her little boy and dumped a handful of dollar-store candy in his pumpkin pail.
It took her thirty seconds to realize that these were the moments that would stick with her forever.
It took more than thirty seconds for the waiter at the restaurant to capture a new photo of them all, adults eager to be sitting and the children’s face paint smeared from their night on the town. Noah and Jaden joined in on the chaos shortly after Kim left.
Despite her fiance’s arguments about how an iPhone picture shouldn’t be wall worthy, he laid down the white flag once the college-aged server asked them to scootch in a little closer.
Sonny wrapped his arm around her and smiled.
These were the thoughts she’d fight to remember if she had thirty seconds between now and the end.
21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.
The thoughts of a lost woman from Georgia seeking comfort in the thrill of the big city.
The thoughts of a detective and her squad.