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Kel awoke to the sound of an alarm blaring somewhere beside his left ear. As if by second nature, his hand wandered the soft landscape of his sheets with his eyes still closed, following the small vibrations his fingertips felt. He found the source of the small earthquake and opened his tired, swollen eyes. Given the location of his phone and how it was adjacent to his head, he must have dozed off again watching a YouTube video. We used to watch YouTube together before bed. Kel banished the thought before the darkness with it could root itself within his heart. He checked the time. 7:15AM, Monday September 12th. It had been approximately three months since Sunny broke up with him.
He scrolled through the notifications on his lockscreen, a simple default phone background rather than the selfie he took with Sunny. Something tugged at his heart. They were ones he probably missed during his slumber from friends that stayed up so late, they could be considered nocturnal. Three from Instagram, most likely memes his friends sent him; two text messages from Aubrey in reply to something that Kel’s sleep hazed mind couldn’t remember at the moment; and five sequential reminders for the days to come:
Today: Basketball practice
Tomorrow: Hanging out with Aubrey and Basil without Sunny
September 14th: Basketball practice
September 15th: Math test that Sunny and I could have studied for together
September 16th: Tournament! that Sunny won’t come and watch
Kel shook his head to stop those thoughts in their tracks. He felt some sense of relief when he looked at his busy schedule. A busy schedule often meant that he wouldn’t be alone with his own thoughts. A busy schedule meant that he would be surrounded by people to distract him. A busy schedule meant he couldn’t think of the what-ifs and the should-have-beens. A busy schedule often meant that he was too tired at night to think about the last three months. A busy schedule meant he could carry on as if everything was fine, as if everything was normal.
Or at the very least, he could pretend it was.
It’s easy to when you’re so busy.
He groaned as he rolled out of his bed. His neck and long limbs were stiff from the uncomfortable position his body took during his rest. Sunny always complained about how much space I took on the bed when I slept over.
He stretched his arms over his head and yawned when he stood up. Sunny would always slap my stomach when I stretched because he found my reaction amusing.
His feet pattered across the cold, hardwood floor to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror above the sink that he and Hero shared. The person staring back at him wasn’t him. The dark circles underneath his eyes, the puffy, swollen eyelids reflecting the one too many tears shed the night before.
It would be a lie if Kel said he slept well like he used to. Sleep meant that his mind was unguarded. That if he weren’t there to guard the walls of his mind with the alertness being awake gave him, he would succumb to the subconscious thoughts he thought he had buried. He had no control over his subconscious and the dreams that it would throw at him. Sometimes, his subconscious would feed him delusions of a Sunny ringing his doorbell one day, profusely apologizing to him for breaking his heart and asking for them to get back together. Other times, it would be the soul crushing delusion of Sunny finding someone else that could make him smile the way Kel made him smile, or laugh the way Kel made him laugh. Most of the time, it was of them cuddling on the couch, holding hands, soaking up the comfortable moment of silence between the two.
He wasn’t sure which he would experience in the future. Though, he sure hoped it was the first, but he knew how unlikely it was to come true.
Water pooled in the middle of his palms, overflowing and running down the side of his cupped hands. He brought it to his face, allowing the welcomed coolness of the water to wash away last night’s episode. He quickly brushed his teeth, wanting to get out the washroom as fast as possible before the memories creeped in again. Sunny and I used to brush our teeth together. I would laugh at his bedhead and he would laugh at mine.
Kel spit the toothpaste into the sink, hoping he could spit out the pit that formed in his stomach and hole he felt in his chest alongside it. He rinsed his mouth and left the bathroom.
-
As per a usual Monday morning, Kel was greeted to the familiar silence of the post work rush. His mom and dad had already left the house for work, taking his baby sister along with them to drop her off at daycare for the day. Now in the silence of the house, it was just him and Hero.
Hero grinned as Kel entered the kitchen. “Morning,” he turned his focus back to the pan sitting on the stove. “I’m making your favourite meal today, so why don’t you go and wait in the dining room? I’ll bring it to you when it’s done.”
Kel wordlessly nodded, moving to take his seat at the table. Kel knew why Hero was making his favourite meal. He knew today marked three months. When Sunny broke up with him, Hero had been a saviour to Kel. When he came home from school that day with the pieces of his heart in his hands, Hero listened to him, hugged him, comforted him. Instead of taking it upon himself to glue the pieces of Kel’s heart back together for him, he gave Kel the courage to start on his own. He let him process his emotions and reassured him that it was normal to feel it in the months to come.
But it had been three months already, and he wondered if it was normal to mourn like he did the first week three months later.
He stared down at the stack of pancakes drizzled in maple syrup, the sunny side up eggs and their bacon smile arranged neatly on the plate. His stomach churned when he remembered the blissful mornings when there were three of them sitting at this table. I always had to finish Sunny’s breakfast because he always did have a small appetite.
Kel pushed the plate away and pushed away from the table. “I’m gonna be late for practice”
He hiked his school bag onto his shoulders, then swung his gym bag over one of them.
“Kel, are you sure you don’t want to eat something before you go?” Hero asked, he voiced tinted with concern.
Kel shook his head and gave a small, but sad smile over his shoulder. “I’ll be okay.” He reassured, though he wasn’t sure if he said that to convince Hero or himself. “See you after school.”
-
The rest of the day dragged on like it usually did. Basketball practice, followed by school. Nowadays, Kel ate lunch with his friends from the basketball team. He found it easy to wear a smile on his face around the people who weren’t involved in his personal life. This wasn’t because he felt alienated from his friend group with Sunny, but he kept his distance knowing that Sunny needed support from those same friends too. Kel knew he was hurting too, at least that was what he wanted to believe.
-
And so closed the school day. Kel trudged back home as the sun was already halfway through its descent in the sky. He looked at the stretch of empty sidewalk before him. Sunny would grab my hand when no one was around as we walked home together.
Kel sighed. Even when he was awake, the thoughts still leaked into his consciousness. He wondered when they would finally end.
-
Dinner. Followed by a brisk shower. Then the same nightly routine of slipping into his colourful choice of pyjamas; a large tye dyed t-shirt and blue shorts that Sunny bought for me for my birthday; brushing his teeth and washing his face.
Kel tucked himself into bed that night, exhaling as his head hit the pillow. He sank into the familiar ache that ran from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. He was tired. Not just tired from the physical demand of basketball practice or the mental demand of school, but the emotional demand that heartbreak required to recover from.
He wished he had a switch in his brain, something that could stop these thoughts from flowing with a simple flick, but it wasn’t that easy. Losing Sunny’s presence in his life after having it for years was something that he needed to adjust to. Maybe one day, Kel hoped, they could be friends again. Maybe one day, he could make Sunny smile like he did before.
He closed his eyes. He knew he would be okay one day. One day, these thoughts would cease to exist and all that would be left to do is focus on himself. Through this heartbreak, he would learn and through this heartbreak, he would grow. But until then, he would wake up each day and miss Sunny all over again.
He slept.