Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My second official mission aboard Perihelion had gone better than the first, and a lot better than that previous unofficial one where everything had gone to shit and ART and I had both gotten infected with strange synthetics. But I still found that I was glad to be back in Preservation space when it was done. So that was interesting.

ART was going to be hanging around for a while so Preservation and Mihira and New Tideland could do business and exchange information. Or something. Mensah was no longer the head of Preservation's government, but she was still involved enough that she was going to be in a lot of meetings while I was here. 

So if I wanted to be able to see her, my best bet was to actually go to the welcome home party the PresevationAux humans were planning. 

They weren't going to make me come down to the planet, at least. So there'd be less dust and fauna to worry about. Pin-Lee had reserved a large event space on the station, one with real plants and everything. 

It wasn't so bad, I guess. 

Everyone from PresAux was there, and so were Amena and 3 and some other people I didn't know as well, but the space was big enough and had enough plants and cushions and other soft things in it that it wasn't loud and crowded and overwhelming. There were even corners hidden by trees where people could lurk unseen if they wanted. It would have been a security nightmare if there was any reason to suspect a threat, or if I didn't have my drones, but I had enough drones to cover the space. 

ART hovering right outside the station with its robust debris deflection array didn't hurt either. 

So all in all, I was feeling relatively relaxed as I strolled through the space, keeping pace with Amena as she filled me in on all the latest Preservation gossip, which I mostly didn't care about, until she said, "Oh! And apparently Gurathin and Three are dating." She grinned.

What? I can't have heard that right. "What?" I asked, too loudly.

Gurathin and I are dating, 3 confirmed over the feed. 

My performance reliability dropped so quickly I actually stumbled.

What the fuck, Murderbot? Getting shot doesn't even affect me that much. 

The intensity of my reaction was entirely inexplicable except for the part where everything was wrong with this. Everything was wrong. 

"Hey, are you okay, SecUnit?" Amena asked, but I absolutely could not answer. I walked to the nearest corner and stood, facing the wall, trying to figure out what the shit.

3 pinged me.

3: query: assistance needed?

MB: Go away. 

I felt…

…Betrayed. 

That didn't make sense, but thinking back over things that had happened in my serials, that felt like the right word. 

I pinged ART. What the fuck? I asked.

In general, ART asked, or would you like to elaborate?

I sent back a sigh signifier, and then, a few seconds later, an audio file with what Amena had said.

If you want more details about that, ART replied, I'm certainly not who you should be asking. I've been in deep space with you for the last ninety-three cycles. You should probably ask someone who's been on Preservation, preferably one of the two people actually involved.

Yeah, unfortunately so far I'd only managed to formulate one question, and that question was what the fuck? My hardware wasn't giving me much to work with here, my risk assessment module was pretty quiet. It was my organic parts that were raising a very loud and extremely confusing alarm. 

I don't like it, I told ART. Why don't I like it?

ART: You're jealous.

MB: No! Absolutely not. Gross. 

ART: Agreed. But sometimes you are gross.

MB: You're an asshole. 

ART: There is nothing wrong with this. 3 is a person capable of determining whether or not it wants to be in a relationship with a human. Neither 3 nor you are treated like pet bots or sex bots by either preservation society in general or Gurathin in particular. And Gurathin is quite aware of what he is getting into, as well.

MB: I know.

ART: So there is no reason to be angry about this.

MB: I know. Shut up. 

ART did in fact shut up, but it kept looming for a little while, maybe trying to see if it could figure out my shit based solely on what I must be leaking into the feed. Then it sent its own sigh signifier, and began playing the episode of Worldhoppers where the ship gets stuck in a time loop. 

That episode annoys me. It's silly, and it makes no sense, and ART really shouldn't put it on unless it wants me to rant about how ridiculous it is. ART should definitely know better.

But then again, after I'd been ranting for a full half an hour, I started to feel a little bit better. So maybe ART does know what it's doing, sometimes.

When the episode ended, I winced, realizing the party was already drawing to a close and I hadn't really so much been at the party that was technically for me. I'd backburnered all my drones and they hadn't flagged anything for me, so presumably everyone was safe, there were just fewer people than there had been at the beginning. 

Gurathin and 3 were still there, though, sitting side by side, talking quietly. I pulled the visual to the front but left the audio backburnered. I could make myself watch, but there was no way in hell I wanted to listen, not right now, probably not ever. 

3 put its arm around Gurathin.

Gross.

I mean, all relationships were gross. That didn't mean that I had any problem with being in the same room while Overse and Arada were leaned up against each other, or Bharadwaj rubbed Pin-Lee's back. That was fine. Mostly.

What the fuck, Murderbot?

If I wanted Art's help with this, I was going to have to do more than leak feelings into the feed. I was going to have to use words.

Occasionally I miss not caring about anything. Feelings are stupid and I don't like having them.

MB: That was rude. I was rude. But I can't explain

I don't know why it feels wrong.

ART: The feelings are yours to deal with, and that may take time, but as soon as you are able, you should apologize to 3 and Gurathin. Make them aware that you realize you were rude and regret it. 

MB: Fine.

I pinged 3 before I could talk myself out of it again. 3 acknowledged immediately, so at least it wasn't super pissed off.

MB: I'm sorry or whatever

3: Gurathin says he understands but I'm not sure if he does. I certainly don't but I have trouble with things and don't understand myself sometimes. I accept your apology. 

MB: isn't it weird? Being a SecUnit in a -

3: relationship? Yes. It is deeply weird. Everything has been deeply weird since I hacked my module. 

MB: fair. 

For thirteen seconds, I said nothing, but didn't sign out of the feed.

3: you want to ask something else.

MB: yes. No. I'm curious but I know I don't actually want to know. 

Memory file transferred from 3 to MB:

Gurathin has invited me to his home on the station, and I arrive on time and eagerly. Gurathin has been a good friend since I arrived on Preservation. 

He always asks me if I have any questions, and today I have a question.

"I'm curious. You are teaching me about how to take part in Preservation society, but you seem to take part in it less than most people here."

Gurathin clears his throat. 

"You may be right," he says. "I might not be the best person to show you the way to be part of the Preservation community if you want to go farther than I have. I'm happy with the life I have, but I'm no social butterfly. Maybe you should ask Ratthi to take you to some parties, or whatever it is he gets up to."

"I don't want to go to parties with Ratthi," I tell Gurathin. "I'm simply curious if you socialize regularly with anyone other than me, but I realize that may be overly personal information."

Gurathin gives me a look that I tentatively identify as wry. "I suppose you are my closest friend at the moment," he says, "and I guess it's strange that I haven't talked about my romantic partner at all. I don't exactly try to hide it. It's just that when I explain it to people, they like to ask me a lot of pointed questions, and I can't say I'm terribly fond of that."

"Then I will not ask questions," I say.

"No, go ahead," he says. "From you, I know they're genuine, and not pointed."

"You have a long-term romantic partner who doesn't live with you?" I ask. In the Rim, this would be a generous space for two people in most areas, but on Preservation, a space of this size is only ever meant for a single occupant, and I have visited many times and never seen evidence of another resident.

"Linth and I don't live together, no," Gurathin answers with a crooked smile. "I suppose we don't have what you might call a traditional relationship."

"But you do have a relationship?" I'm having a feeling I'm not sure if I like. 

"Not an exclusive one, but yes," he answers. "And neither of us is very interested in the physical aspects that other people seem to enjoy. So I don't tend to flirt, because it leads people to think I'm interested in things I'm really not."

"You don't like touching people?" I ask. 

"Oh, I don't mind casual touches," he explains. "I'm not internally cringing every time someone tries to shake my hand, like another SecUnit we know. But there is a line."

"I see," I say. 

"Run out of questions?" Gurathin asks me after a long moment.

"Would you show me some of the kinds of touches you like?" I ask, clumsily and transparently, but those are the only words I have.

Gurathin looks at me with a tiny, worried frown. "I don't want to push your boundaries," he says gently.

I look at him, pointedly. "I have always been more worried about yours."

"Oh, we're idiots," Gurathin says despairingly, and reaches to take my hand.  

"Will you show me where exactly the line is?" I ask. I can feel myself smiling.

Gurathin kisses me.

Transfer paused.

MB: Error: proprietary information has been delivered to this unit inappropriately. Destroy?

Further information: Eww why would you show me that? I really don't want to know.

3: Authorization is granted to view the material. 

Further information: Just view the rest of it. There's no more touching than that, I promise.

Transfer resumed.

"Have you explored these kinds of casual touches with the rest of your friends?" I ask.

"No, I only kiss potential romantic partners." His arms are around me. "People I can trust not to want to push any further."

"Then with 1.0?" I ask, a joke.

Gurathin laughs. "No, Murderbot isn't terribly fond of touching at all, and especially not me."

There's something in his tone that prompts me to listen further. 

After a delay of 6.9 seconds, Gurathin continues, "And to tell the truth, that part of it's mutual. I think we remind each other a little too much of ourselves."

I don't understand. 

End of transfer.

MB: Okay. but really. What the fuck is that supposed to mean.

3: You and Gurathin have a complicated relationship.

MB: Don't call it that.

3: Excuse me. You and Gurathin have a complicated friendship. Is that better?

MB: I don't know.

3: You don't need to figure it out all at once. We are both your friends and we will be here. 

MB: Ugh. Okay. Thanks. I guess. 

I signed off of its feed and returned to staring at the wall in the secluded corner of the event space. 

Then I bundled up the whole conversation, memory transfer and all, and dumped it in a shared workspace for ART to look at.

ART: Well, that went about as well as could be expected. You and 3 seem to be on good terms, despite your outburst.

MB: Outburst? I said "What."

ART: You also said "Go away."

MB: Oh, right, that.

ART: But it worked. So now all you have to do is apologize to Gurathin.

MB: Right. The hard part.

ART: You don't need to say anything complicated. Simply say you're sorry and that you're figuring some things out. 

MB: I don't want it to just be perfunctory.

ART: Why not? I thought you didn't like Gurathin.

MB: It's not that simple.

ART: No, it's not, is it? It's quite messy. 

I didn't like that word for it. 

MB: I wouldn't say that. It's mutual respect. We're both dangerous, suspicious bastards. 

ART: So why are you worried about him?

MB: I'm not worried. 

ART: Why do you care?

MB: I'm supposed to be the one taking care of my humans!

ART: If you really felt that way, you would never have agreed to another mission with me. 

MB: Well I guess I should have stayed!

ART: You missed them. You missed all your friends here on Preservation. Including both Gurathin and 3. And you have regrets that you missed so much of their lives that this could surprise you. 

MB: That… yeah, okay, that's in there.

I don't actually regret coming with you, though. 

ART: You do, a little.

ART's tone was gentle and slightly sad. 

MB: A little. Maybe.

ART: The least I can do is help you set it right. Now. Contact Gurathin. 

I wanted to put it off longer but ART had its full attention on me, waiting for me to agree. 

MB: Fine! I'll do it now, just get out of my brain space 

I pinged Gurathin, and he acknowledged. 

MB: I'm sorry. Uh. For being weird. 

G: I think we'd all be a little bit worried if you stopped being weird. 

It's fine. It's a lot to take in I suppose. 

MB: it's not fine, it's stupid, and I wish I knew how to stop feeling stupid things. 

G: I think that's just part of being a person, honestly.

If I can ask, what kinds of things are you feeling about this?

MB: I don't know, that's the stupidest part. 

ART thinks I'm jealous. I'm not. Well. I don't think I am. 

ART might not be entirely wrong. 

G: okay. Honestly I don't know how to take that. 

Seconds ticked away, awkwardly.

MB: right, I'm going to go hide until I figure out how to stop making things shitty instead of better. 

I signed off of Gurathin's feed. 

This was just getting stupider. I went to my room in the station residences and started a recharge cycle. Then I just sort of scrolled through the list of episodes of Sanctuary Moon, rejecting one after another for stupid little annoying reasons. 

Then ART pinged me.

ART: How did it go?

MB: Bad. I don't want to talk about it.

ART: All right. 

It started playing an episode of a colorful children's cartoon which seemed to be ostensibly about playing some kind of card game, but the plot spiraled out of control. It was ridiculous and I hated it but I watched it anyway because I guess I was just in the mood to hate whatever was in front of me anyway, and I didn't want to feel this way about Sanctuary Moon.

Chapter Text

I was interrupted a few hours later by an emergency request for assistance from 3. For a moment I was relieved that something was actually happening that could make me stop thinking about the things I was thinking about, and then I read the info burst and felt bad for being relieved. 

There had been an accident in one of the cargo loading areas, and several people were injured, including Linth, Gurathin's human partner.

I found directions to the cargo loading area, and started running.

From what information 3 had, it did genuinely seem to have been an accident. One of the things that happens because humans are humans, and maybe haven't taken adequate rest periods or eaten enough or remembered their medications. All that maintenance does seem like a lot to keep up with and I was glad to have only the small amount of organic tissue I did. 

Linth, on the other hand, was having trouble with her mechanical parts. As 3 sent me more data, I realized she was heavily augmented, more so than most augmented humans on Preservation. Her augments had stopped the blow to her neck from killing her, but the augments were now severely damaged.

She was panicking, despite the sedatives the medical team had given her, and they couldn't render her fully unconscious and be sure she'd wake up again, not with the way her augments were malfunctioning. 3 had been tasked with holding her still while Gurathin and the medics worked on her augment. Pin-Lee had been nearby and was on her way here as well.

I didn't add to the chaos of humans talking or try to interrupt the work Gurathin was doing, I asked 3 on the feed what they needed. 3 had no clear directives for me, but one of the listed priorities was keeping Linth calm, and all 3's medical modules hadn't seemed to help. 

Then Gurathin pinged me.

Her feed is down. She can use an external feed, but I'm not sure if it'll do much good in this state, she hates having to use one. She had developmental issues when she was younger. Her augments are part of her in a way even most heavily augmented humans aren't. 

I know this isn't easy or standard. But if you can think of anything that might help, we'd be grateful.

I had an idea, but it was based on a supposition I'd been working on. Constructs and humans are fundamentally different, yes, but some constructs are more like humans in some ways than I'd believed, and maybe some augmented humans were more like constructs than people might expect. There was a line between us, but both kinds of partially mechanical people were more complicated than that line.

The medics had a spare external feed waiting, and I attached it to Linth's ear, and then I talked. I talked out loud and in the feed at precisely the same time, with precisely the same intonation.

"So you probably feel kinda like your head is underwater right now, huh? I'm not much of anything without my inorganic parts up and running, but I still… feel. And it's awful. But you know what? Pin-Lee and Gurathin and the medics are going to put you back together, and everything will feel okay again. In the meantime. You hold on to something familiar. Is there any media you like? Something you've watched a lot, so you can run your fingers over it and know every inch of it like it's part of you. Because it is."

Linth's desperate, jerking movements slowed, not calm but listening. 

There's a song, Gurathin told me.

Send me the file.

I played the song through the external feed. And. Okay. Singing is definitely not part of my skill set, and I worried that trying to replicate the song aloud would do more harm than good. But Linth's stress levels were still high, and I didn't know how long it would take to repair her augments, and I figured I might as well try. 

It seemed to help. 

In the meantime, Pin-Lee arrived, a case of equipment in hand, and started conferring rapid-fire with Gurathin and the medics about the extent of the damage and what the strategy was.

"Do you need proprietary equipment?" 3 asked. "Most corporate augments can only be repaired by the manufacturer."

"That's not the problem," Pin-Lee said, opening the case and retrieving a couple of tools. "All Preservation augments are open source. This is just… a very delicate repair."

Open source. I couldn't help looking at Gurathin, who glanced up at me as well. All Preservation augments were open source. 

I knew what the phrase meant. But in the Corporate Rim it was more of a fairy tale than anything else. Or, like non-corporate political entity, it usually meant shitshow. Something thrown together out of bits and pieces scrounged off the feeds. This was not that. 

Because Preservation was basically a fairy tale brought to life.

Pin-Lee took over from Gurathin and she and the medics put Linth back together, and all the while I kept singing, because it was what they needed me to do. And then Linth was back in her onboard feed, taking deep breaths and clinging to 3, who was unmoving, like a piece of furniture. 

I went quiet. Fuck, that was exhausting. I looked back at my transcripts. Yeah, I don't know how I did that.

They ran diagnostics, and Linth made an appointment for some more formal maintenance on her augments later that day, but right now she needed rest, so 3 volunteered to carry her to her place, Gurathin trailing along after. I watched them go, having feelings, some of them clearer, some more tangled than ever.

Then Pin-Lee closed her case and picked it up, then turned in my direction, not quite looking at me. "Hey, SecUnit. I have to go pick up some supplies to restock my emergency kit. Would you escort me?"

I knew she didn't really need an escort, not on Preservation station under no particular threat, but it sounded nice right now to have a normal guard duty, something I was used to that I could do without really thinking about it. 

I pinged a verification in her feed.

Some humans, like Ratthi and Thiago, don't like talking on the feed if they can talk out loud in person. One of my favorite things about Pin-Lee was that even though she wasn't augmented, she didn't seem to mind talking in the feed. 

And I had new questions.

MB: Linth's feed ID said gender: not applicable, but she uses she/her pronouns? Was that a glitch?

P: No, that's right.

MB: You can do that?

P: Yeah. I think when it comes to identity you can do whatever you want. 

MB: I've never seen a human use gender: not applicable. 

P: It's not common. Looks like Gurathin has a type. 

Through my drones, I could see that the corner of her mouth curled as she sent that. I squirmed at the implication. 

MB: Stop that. I don't want to think about that. It's weird.

P: Okay, noted. So I guess you really weren't jealous? 

MB: Have you been talking to ART?

P: No, but, well, you stalking out of the party when you did… definitely seemed to imply that.

MB: I had a lot of feelings. About a lot of things. I'm starting to get them all untangled and I'm pretty damn sure "being in love with Gurathin" is NOT in there anywhere.

Eww. No.

P: So did you figure out what it was about? If you don't mind my asking.

MB: I don't think I want… to date. Anyone. At all. Ever. Eww. But seeing 3 dating made me

P: Feel left out?

The suggestion brought what was wrong with it into focus. I knew what it wasn't, and then suddenly I knew what it was. 

MB: No. Broken. 

P: Oh. Well you're not. 

MB: Other than, you know, my governor module and dataport. 

P: Those aren't you. They're just hardware. 

MB: I am hardware. 

P: I know you know better than that by now.

MB: Yes, okay. 

P: So you're surprised it's just a Murderbot thing, rather than a whole SecUnit thing.

MB: Yeah, I guess I'm weird even for a SecUnit.

P: Well, we all knew that. 

None of us expect you to suddenly want to be any more human than you are, or any more like any of us than you are. You know that, right? And it doesn't matter what Three wants, you're you, and you're a different person than Three. 

MB: Yeah, okay. 

And then Pin-Lee acquired a new set of charging ports for my drones and didn't make me talk any more on the way back.

I might have more than one favorite human at this point.

Two cycles later, I felt actually ready to talk to Gurathin. 

It helped that Mensah had found some time to come and talk to me. Conversations with her always make me feel a little more stable. Even though I didn't end up going into detail about the situation, it helped. 

She always seems to have this unshakeable confidence in me. It's weird. 

So I pinged Gurathin and he asked if I wanted to come to his place, which I'd actually only ever seen in the memory 3 sent me. But I said okay anyway, because my feelings were my problem and I didn't want to leave again without making sure things were good between us. 

"I'm sorry for being weird," I said again. But this time I was sitting in one of his chairs and almost sort of looking at him. "I'm starting to figure out more of the reasons I freaked out."

"That's good," Gurathin said, nodding. "You didn't seem to have a good handle on yourself before, and I know you hate that."

Yes. Exactly. Sometimes Gurathin said things and it was like he could see right inside my head, even if he wasn't actually looking inside my head, which he hasn't done recently. "Yes, exactly," I agreed. "It compromised my performance reliability and I didn't know why, it didn't make sense. But it turns out it was for a lot of different reasons all hitting me at the same time."

"You needed some time to puzzle it all out," Gurathin guessed. 

"Yeah, it was a mess," I admitted.

"So was Perihelion right? About you being jealous?" He was trying not to show how anxious he was about the answer to that question, and I appreciated that, even though I could tell. 

"Sort of," I said. "But no. I don't want to date either of you. Eww."

Gurathin let out a relieved breath. "All right. That's good. But you were jealous? Of the time we spend together?"

"A little bit," I said, "even though I know that's my choice. So that's stupid of me."

"No, I don't think so," said Gurathin.

"You're not supposed to be nice about it," I said, a bit sharply. 

"Too bad," he said. "So what else did you figure out?"

"I was confused because 3 can do things that I thought were human things and not construct things," I said, and Gurathin nodded. I kept going. "I was jealous of 3 because it seems to have been adjusting to life as a person on Preservation a lot faster than I could have."

"I've felt that myself," Gurathin said. "That's one of the reasons I've been a bit in awe of Three. So many years in the CR and Three has come out of it better than either of us, I think, despite all the indignities of being a SecUnit."

Yeah. So that was the feeling. Ugh. 

I didn't want to talk about my problems anymore, so I did something else stupid. I asked, "What place did you have in the Rim?" 

"Mine inspector," he said, with a quiet grimness. "With the company."

I'd kind of known it was something like that. 

"I didn't just happen across the changes to your governor module," he continued. "I'd been trying to find ways to circumvent the constraints on their biomechanical interfaces for years before I even left. Because I couldn't leave without figuring it out, or I'd have been blind before I managed to get off planet." He winced. "In the end I did some awful things, to keep my sight. And when I look at you I can't help but see those things. The person I was that I'd do those things, and how close he still is to who I am now."

I'd reached the end of what I could say out loud, so I pretended I wasn't sitting in Gurathin's room, with Gurathin, talking face-to-face. I closed my eyes and continued over the feed. 

MB: Those shitheads in the company made it all happen. Yeah, we were part of it. We didn't ask for that.  

G: You're kinder to me than you are to yourself, I think. 

MB: You know I actually do like you, right? 

Like, I don't like you, but I also do. You're a jerk. But. An important jerk. 

Like ART. 

G: That's good to know. An especially flattering comparison given you've chosen to spend the better part of the last year with Perihelion.

MB: Yeah well. Don't let it fool you. It's still a jerk. And nosy. And persistent.

G: Wouldn't let you get away with running away forever, huh?

MB: No. 

G: It's a good friend then.

MB: I suppose. 

The silence felt so friendly that I didn't even feel the need to queue up any media to stave off boredom. 

G: I missed you, you know.

MB: Even with 3 around all the time?

G: You're very different people. I love Three, but I missed you. You sarcastic little shit. 

MB: Okay. I missed you too. 

Do you think I should stay on Preservation this time? Instead of going with ART?

G: No, I think you'd be bored out of your mind. Emergencies here are few and far between. I'm very glad you've been here for a couple of them, though. Thank you for helping Linth. 

MB: I just did what I do. 

G: I think what you did was above and beyond the duties of a SecUnit.

MB: Yeah, well. I just did what I do. 

So ART was leaving again, and I was going with it, again.

I was going to miss my friends here. And they were going to miss me. 

They told me that if I didn't want to come to another gathering so soon after the last, disastrous one, they would understand. But I knew they wanted me there, so I went. 

It went better. I had feelings, which I hated, but they were pretty much the feelings I'd expected to have.

Gurathin kissed 3, which was gross, so I threw a pillow at them and told them to get a room.

Overall, it was pretty good.