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Rashoumon never intended to be anything more than a tool for their user- Akutagawa Ryuunosuke.
Quite frankly, it was never something that ever crossed their mind. And even if it did, it was quickly wiped away from their thoughts due to the crushing arguement of: "but what then?" That no matter how many times they pondered, they could never give an answer to. Besides, it wasn't like being an ability was so bad: being able to satisfy their desire for violence and protecting the boy that they had grown up with made Rashoumon content. Happy. Complacent.
However, as they realized that the child that they had cared so deeply about was starting to grow weaker and weaker, they had never wished for someone to save him more desperately in their life.
Somebody, anybody-! They would think, only being able to manifest as a shadow while curling up against him, hoping to alleviate his pain. Somebody end this poor child of his misery!
And of course, their silent prayers for help would be answered. But not by God- but by the Devil himself.
Dazai Osamu, The Devil Prodigy, was both Akutagawa Ryuunosuke (and Rashoumon's) savior and the one person that they would never forgive, for as long as they lived.
Or, well, for as long as they could hold a grudge against him. And it's worked for over six years already- so they doubted that said hatred would ever go away. Though this did tend to clash with Ryuunosuke's unending need for approval from the heartless bastard, ultimately, they just obeyed and assisted Ryuunosuke in trying to get said approval.
"To you, it must have seemed like I was waiting to hear some excuse." Dazai said, condescendingly and deliberately stepping towards Ryuunosuke's coughing figure, trembling and keeled over a puddle of blood that he had just hacked up. "I'm sorry for giving you the wrong idea." That sentence twisted in Rashoumon's gut, filling them with the familiar, bitter irritation that they held against the older man.
"Hand me your gun."
Rashoumon went cold upon hearing those words.
No... no, he couldn't possibly-!
Three gunshots.
Their body dived in to protect Ryuunosuke from the bullets, disregarding the little monologue that that dead-eyed bastard spouted out right before firing.
"... Heeeeeh~? See? You can do it." Dazai's tone was lighter than before, albeit still just as mocking. Still as cold. Still as condescending. Still as indifferent towards the pained gasps and desperate inhales of air that was still puffing from the unfortunate subordinate. Rashoumon's jaw was open.
It would have been so easy. So. Goddamn. Easy to just have sliced the damned bastard's hand off. But they doubted that they could've gotten far anyway, No Longer Human would've protected it's user from harm, and the failed attempt would end up on Ryuunosuke's shoulders, if the threat against him at the end was anything to go by. Rashoumon still didn't understand why No Longer Human was still protecting it's user- considering how many people had died- had been hurt under Dazai's control. Ryuunosuke only being one of the many unfortunate souls that Rashoumon witnessed.
'Kaku.' Rashoumon hissed, briefly invading Dazai's headspace to reach his damning ability, 'I will never, ever forgive you.'
'I know, Shou. No Longer Human's apathetic tone hummed in reply, only leaving the ability in the pitch-black headspace with nothing to do and nobody to greet them.
When Dazai left the Port Mafia following the death of the redheaded man that Rashoumon vaguely remembers having helped Ryuunosuke before, a part of them wanted to celebrate- to cheer that the Demon Prodigy had finally left- and that Ryuunosuke could focus on healing for good. But another part of them just twisted in envy and anger and petty resentment, cursing his life outside of the Port Mafia to be challenging and harsh for all the wrongdoings he committed against others- against Ryuunosuke.
But seeing Ryuunosuke's shattered expression, clutching at his coat and yelling and crying (god, Ryuunosuke never cries), all Rashoumon could think of was to comfort their user- only being pushed back every time they tried to do so.
In the back of their mind, though, they wondered.
Wondered if that bastard would ever change.
And if he'd ever, finally, give Ryuunosuke the recognition that he craved for.
When they had the displeasure of meeting him again, it was when they were fighting against the white weretiger that had just joined the Armed Detective Agency, who was, coincidentally, the one they were tracking down for the seven billion yen bounty. And for the second time in their life, Rashoumon cursed their horrible luck when they were forcibly put to sleep by No Longer Human's hand, all too familiar with the cold sensation of sleep washing over them as they were rendered useless.
But soon after that, watching Ryuunosuke harshly punch Dazai to the point of bleeding was like a breath of fresh air. It was relieving. It was something that Rashoumon thought Ryuunosuke needed. Both of them deserved it, even.
At least, that was what Rashoumon thought.
'Why do you still seek his recognition?' They thought to themself, knowing all to well that Ryuunosuke couldn't hear them, yet still asked anyway, 'why do you continue to struggle through the mud, to claw your way out of hell for the one man that put you in it in the first place?'
When everything was said and done, though, Rashoumon would never admit the happiness that swelled in their very being when Dazai finally, finally gave some semblance of praise for all of the hard work and pain that Ryuunosuke had put himself through for the past few years. Nor would they ever admit that maybe, just maybe, they apologized to No Longer Human for all the harsh words they said to it back in the past, words that it never deserved in the first place)
Nakahara Chuuya was... a confusing man, in Rashoumon's humble opinion.
He was both hot-tempered yet rational, was ruthless and yet benevolent (to a certain degree), was destructive and violent, but still listened out for his subordinates and the people underneath his charge for their input when it was called for.
In a way, it was considerably more refreshing than Dazai's fake, plastic faced personality. A nice balance of knowing when to push, and when to pull back. Or when to hit them with a slap, or to gently pull them out of their own self-loathing. Nakahara Chuuya was the person that Rashoumon wished was Ryuunosuke's mentor instead of Dazai. Though the downside would've been inheriting Nakahara's explosive personality... personally, they found that a lot easier to deal with than the person Dazai molded their user to be.
The moment that Rashoumon accepted Nakahara was when he comforted Ryuunosuke during one of his coughing fits, coupled with a mental breakdown over the stress and betrayal he had felt when Dazai had left the Port Mafia.
'I sometimes wish that your user had been the one to mentor Ryuunosuke instead, Kana,' Rashoumon offhandedly mentioned one time, nestled in in the gentle, orange light of the executive's headspace, with Upon the Tainted Sorrow resting right next to them.
'Chuuya wished that he could've done more for Ryuunosuke as well, Shou,' They replied, 'so the sentiment is mutual, I guess.
Rashoumon couldn't hide their giddy smile after that. Thankfully, it went unnoticed due to the fact that they tended to be shoved underneath Ryuunosuke's coat and (usually) wasn't revealed until called upon, but it was there, ecstatic about the notion of change in Ryuunosuke's already battered and bruised view of life. Even if they knew that Ryuunosuke couldn't- wouldn't move on so easily. Not unless something managed to forcefully pull him out of his tunnel vision.
Rashoumon hoped Nakahara would be the one to do so, but it seems like his attempts were futile, just like Gin's were, sometimes.
But even if Nakahara couldn't exactly get Ryuunosuke to stop obsessing over Dazai, Rashoumon was more than content with watching him grow, to begrudgingly patch himself up and move on from his past, ever so slightly.
Maybe, if Rashoumon were capable of human speech, maybe they could’ve joined them. Throw in a few jokes, seethe over Dazai’s annoying antics and the scars he left behind, perhaps even talk to Ryuunosuke for once. And maybe cry over their agonizing frustration at watching Ryuunosuke spiral down his Dazai-obsession once again when he found his former mentor- alive and kicking- over a bottle of wine with the red-haired man.
'Sometimes I wish we could talk to our users.' Rashoumon confessed, their tone bordering on a tearful whine as they watched Upon the Tainted Sorrow flit around in Ryuunosuke's headspace. 'Maybe, then, I could drag Ryuunosuke and Gin away from this place. Far, far away from that mackerel bastard, too.'
'Careful there, you're sounding almost like Chuuya.' The other ability gently jabbed, smirking, if they were given the ability to.
Would that be a bad thing, though? Flashed through Rashoumon's head as they watched, in silence, how the two men would sometimes have silent conversations with one another, not necessarily confiding, but definitely having a more... positive stance on each other while doing so. And sometimes, whenever they were out of Ryuunosuke's sight, Rashoumon would quietly crawl out of his coat and quirk a subtle nod towards Chuuya's way. Not like the ginger could ever really understand what they meant though, judging from the confused expression that flashed through his features.
They didn't mind.
"Hey," Chuuya once called out, causing Ryuunosuke to turn back to the figure behind him, nestled amongst the rubble and dirt with a relaxed smile (smirk?) on his face, "lend me your shoulder."
Both of them (happily, in Rashoumon's case) obliged.
Rashoumon didn't hate Nakajima Atsushi, surprisingly.
This even surprised themself, seeing how little animosity they held against the white-haired male. Ever since Dazai's cocky little jab about how he was better than Ryuunosuke (not true!) and even since their first meeting, Rashoumon has honestly found little to no reason to actually hate him, despite many of the incentives that had been thrown their way to do so.
The same could not be said about Ryuunosuke, however. He took it as a challenge (as expected) and started to nourish a... rivalry? Antagonistic (?) relationship with him. And although Rashoumon didn't understand why (who were they kidding- they did understand why. They just chose to avert their gaze from the truth), they were more than willing to help Akutagawa in gaining the upper hand over Dazai's "new apprentice."
Even if it was just out of spite.
'Despite their bickering, they really do manage to work together well, huh?' Beast Underneath the Moonlight offhandedly chuckled, watching as their users once again bickered with each other, amusement evident in their tone.
'I agree. Maybe this could be a positive learning experience for Akutagawa, if he could just see it that way...' Rashoumon sighed, also peering at the scene from Akutagawa's mindspace, where Beast Underneath the Moonlight was lingering around there along with them. 'Well, I have a feeling that he'd die before ever admitting that, so I may as well tell it to someone who isn't gonna rat me out.'
'Not like I can, anyway.' Beast Underneath the Moonlight laughed, before bidding them farewell and exiting the area, leaving Rashoumon alone in the white expanse of space.
And as they continued to see Akutagawa and Atsushi insult, fight alongside, and talk to one another, Rashoumon wondered if this could be the thing that Akutagawa needed, rather than all of those years that the Mafia had nurtured him to be. Of course, they understood that those years, to their user, are completely irreplaceable, but this wasn't exactly a bad change of pace either, was it?
Watching Akutagawa bleed out on the ship's wooden deck after his throat was sliced by that man, Rashoumon, through their metaphorical tears, affirmed themself that maybe it wasn't all that bad. Though they would've liked to see Akutagawa grow a little more before shit went down.
As their vision and mind grew blurry, all they could hope for is that Atsushi, the rest of the ADA, the Port Mafia, and the Black Lizard's all got out of this safely. Eventually.