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“Marigolds look good on you!”
Felix didn’t know the meaning of the said flower back then until his boyfriend chuckled and explained that the flower represents power, strength, and the light living within someone, and mentioned that he’s nowhere near those words, but rather differently. Yet, no matter how much Hyunjin denied it, he still saw Hyunjin as a strong person.
Looking back, Felix should’ve seen the signs; the fidgeting, the small forced smiles, the way he wore long sleeves even when it was blazing hot.
Guilt starts to form inside Felix’s chest. The boy blames himself for not observing his lover a little more than he normally did, maybe then, none of this wouldn’t happen.
Maybe Hyunjin would’ve been holding his hand right now. Maybe the would’ve been cuddling on their bed. Maybe they would’ve been walking around the park. Maybe Hyunjin would’ve been happy, even if it’s for a bit.
Maybe he wouldn’t be dead…
But no matter what, he still thinks Hyunjin was a strong person, even when he broke in the end. He just wishes he could’ve seen the cracks, he should’ve done something before the older boy crumbled away.
Felix swallows back his tears as he stares at the dark grey marble grave in front of him. He clutches the black umbrella wrapped around his small hand as he slowly crouches down to gently feel the letter carvings on the stone.
Hwang Hyunjin
03/20/2000 - 09/09/2022
A loving son, friend, and lover
Lover. His lips forms into a pained smile as his eyes starts to weld up with tears. This time, he does not hold them back and lets them run down freely.
“Hyune…” his voice cracks, but he couldn’t care any less. “Why did you have to leave me? It’s been a year since you left the world, I hope you’re in a better place now. I hope you’re much happier now that you’re free from all the pain…”
Felix looks at the marigolds around his past lover’s grave that he placed over the past few days. He comes every week to change the dying, or already-dead marigolds and replace them with new ones.
Felix has been interested in flowers ever since Hyunjin started telling him the meanings of different flowers they’ve found. A month after Hyunjin took his life away, he found out that the other had left out a few words from the marigold’s meaning; death, grief, despair, and mourning.
The man stands up and takes one last look at the grave before he says, “marigolds look good on you…”