Work Text:
“Hi, Sunoo, I’m here again.”
Sunghoon smiled and sat on one of the benches near Sunoo’s grave. The weather is really nice today. The sun is shining bright but there’s enough wind to keep him cool. He pulled out a canvas and a wooden tripod from his tote bag. He unfolded the wooden tripod and positioned his canvas on top of it.
A deep sigh left his lips as he stared at the unfinished painting in front of him. It’s a painting of Sunoo with the sky in the background. He started painting it a little bit more than one year ago but then he stopped for a while. Now, he is ready to finally finish it.
“I’m gonna paint again today, with you, of course,” Sunghoon said after a short silence. He knew he really need to finish this now.
He opened his backpack and pulled out his brush bag and a set of paints. His smile grew as pulled out a palette for his paints. A wooden palette with his name engraved on the left corner; a birthday gift from Sunoo two years ago. "I'll use this palette for the first time for this painting, sweetie, you must be very happy."
Sunghoon took a deep breath before mixing his paints on the palette. He pulled two different shades of blue paint and one pink paint. He mixed them until they form a beautiful purple, to represent his boyfriend's favorite thing.
The sky.
Sunoo liked the sky, he would always take pictures of it almost every day. He said it calms him down, staring at the sky. His favorite was when it was almost sunset and the sky turns into shades of purple and pink.
At first, Sunghoon just laughed at it. He would still stay by Sunoo while the latter was busy admiring the sky. He'd prefer to stare at Sunoo though. Sunoo is the best view. But now, after his boyfriend passed, Sunghoon finally understands how the sky can help him control himself, how looking at the sky can help him ride out some of the hardest times of letting Sunoo go.
“Okay, Sunoo, my love, this is for you,” Sunghoon said as he picked a medium-sized brush. He used it for most parts of the sky. He then dunked his wet brush on the paints.
Right before the brush could touch the canvas, Sunghoon stopped.
As if he were about to burst, his hands trembled and his eyes started to burn. The pain, the sadness, the memories. It's coming back and it's overwhelming. He can feel his heart ache at every single one of them, Sunghoon felt dizzy.
With one deep breath and watery eyes, Sunghoon finally dabbed a bright purple paint on the canvas. His hand moved slowly and lightly filling in the blank spots, painting the sunset sky as pretty as he can.
Sunghoon bit his lips hard as he moved his brush with a little bit of white paint to add a cloud effect to the painting. His hand gets heavier with every stroke. He felt his heart clench harder, tears started running down his cheeks.
He broke down.
He missed Sunoo so much.
The past two years were not an easy ride for Sunghoon. Especially 24th June last year. The day Sunoo left him, forever, right on his own birthday. Sunghoon's life just kind of fell apart after that.
The fact that hurt him the most was that his boyfriend had been trying to take his own life a few times. Sunghoon didn’t know. No one knew.
The younger guy was always happy and friendly. You wouldn’t have ever seen Sunoo not laughing or smiling. Laughing at Sunghoon’s jokes, laughing at Sunghoon’s messy morning hair, laughing at Sunghoon’s burnt breakfast toast.
Sunoo was always smiling. Sunoo always made sure everyone is having fun and is happy.
Sunoo would always check up on his friends, on Sunghoon, to make sure they were fine. But apparently, he didn’t always call for anyone when he wasn’t.
Sighing hard, Sunghoon pulled his brush when the memory of his last time with Sunoo just popped into his head and it hits him hard.
It was three days before Sunoo’s birthday. He and Sunghoon went to see cherry blossoms together. Sunoo brought cookies for them, which he made himself. Sunghoon loved them. The best cookies in the world.
On Sunoo’s birthday, Sunghoon had to go running some errands. They couldn’t meet that day. It was a rough day even for Sunghoon. Work was overwhelming. He got very sensitive over everything. Before sunset Sunghoon got a call from Sunoo.
He declined.
Then he got a bunch of missed calls from Sunoo. Then a bunch of texts, which Sunghoon also ignored.
The next thing he got was a call from a hospital, asking him to come quickly for his boyfriend. When he got there, Sunoo was gone.
Ever since that day, Sunghoon never lived a single day without thinking about how life would be different if he actually picked up Sunoo’s calls. If he actually responded to any of his texts. If he could do anything to make Sunoo stay.
Until this day, Sunghoon never forgives himself for not paying attention to his boyfriend, for not saying all the things that could have made Sunoo feel better, and for not looking beyond Sunoo’s beautiful smiles.
With a heavy sigh, Sunghoon finished his painting.
The painting of Sunoo smiling brightly with a purple sky as the background.
The very image Sunghoon wants to remember about Sunoo. The happy Sunoo, the smiling Sunoo. Because that’s all Sunghoon wanted for him.
He picked a smaller brush and take black paint. He then put his signature on the bottom right. He also wrote a small ‘i miss you’ underneath.
Sunghoon stared at his painting for a while, trying to get the painting tattooed in his head even though Sunoo looks way better in real life and his painting skills didn’t do justice to it.
Even then he’s still happy he finally finished this painting because it was meant to be his gift for Sunoo’s 24th birthday, last year. Now he felt like he's finally done something for Sunoo that he should have done sooner.
Sunghoon stood straight and picked up his painting.
“You know, I was preparing this painting last year, for your birthday." Sunghoon blew on his painting a little bit before putting it on Sunoo’s grave carefully. “I’m sorry it took longer than it’s supposed to be. Life was really hard without you, Sunoo.”
“You showed me this the last time we met, remember?” Sunghoon pulled out two small pink sticky notes from his pocket.
‘I always wish you happiness’
“I didn’t know what you were trying to say. But now that I read it over and over again, it really looks like a goodbye message, you know?”
Sunghoon rubbed his face and brushed his hair back harshly. His breath started getting shaky again.
“Happy birthday, baby,” Sunghoon whispered.
“And I miss you so much.”
Sunghoon crouched down and hugged his knees as he could feel tears start flowing harder. One hand he used to cover his mouth to hold back his cry.
But he couldn’t hold it in. He sobbed, he cried, he punched the ground beneath him. He screamed, “So fucking much!"
For ten minutes Sunghoon was down on the ground, crying his heart out. He then tried to pick himself up by wiping his tears a few times. He smiled, looking at his painting, imagining Sunoo is smiling at him now.
“Now that you are in a better place, you are not hurting, I guess I have to fulfill your last wish, right?” Sunghoon folded the now crumpled sticky note to a neat small square and shoved it into his pocket. “I have to be happy, right?”
“It’s not easy, without you, but I have to try, right? You will be watching over me from the sky, right?”
Sunghoon smiled weakly.
“I love you. Thank you for spending time with me, you were the best part of my life, and you’ll always be. I love you, Sunoo.”
Sunghoon picked up his painting and his stuff. He then left the graveyard with much lighter steps.