Chapter Text
I thought that I knew
what beautiful souls look like
until I saw yours;
Broken and hurt,
black with the dust of cruelty,
still – brighter than the sun.
(a.s)
Monday, April 27th
Each wall of the white room was draped with posters spelling out encouragement, the brown wood shelves were stacked with books enlisting thousands of ways to understand the complex mind of a teen and toys that Ms. RandomLastName, sorry, Pamela, used to talk to her patients. No, students. Patients have some damage in need of fixing, while a student is someone looking for guidance, but none of that mattered when the couch’s cushions tried to swallow you whole. Dean still didn’t know why he sat down if he knew what would happen. The couch was like sitting on a cloud, but since he sank in to the cushion, his feet rose several inches off the ground. He already felt like a kid going to these sessions, no need to look the part too.
The school had forced him to go to counseling Mondays and Fridays after his third outburst in class. Pamela wanted to check in at the beginning and end of the week to make sure he was doing fine. Dean knew that was pretty talk for the school to make sure his “anger issue” was taken care of. He didn’t have an anger issue, he just had low tolerance for stupid people who couldn’t keep their mouths shut.
Maybe it was an anger issue.
Pamela walked into the room as Dean sat at the very edge of the cushion, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Hi Dean,” Pamela said with a smile. She always wore tight leather pants that showed off her long legs and great ass. Dean wasn’t even going to deny that he wanted to ride those black roads until sunrise the moment he saw her.
Dean laced his fingers together but didn’t even return the smile. Pamela was already used to it. Pamela sat on her armchair in front of the couch, clipboard seated on her lap, and she gave Dean another smile. She was beautiful, no denying that, but no matter how many times she gave him that dazzling smile, Dean wouldn’t crack.
She stared him down for an uncomfortable amount of time, but Dean didn’t look away. He knew she would mark that as him being intimidated, presenting signs of untrust or avoidance. Dean wasn’t going to give her any reason to judge him; his looks already did that.
“How are you?” She finally asked.
“I’m fine, how are you?” Dean coolly answered.
“We’re talking about you Dean, not me.”
“Which is a huge waste of time since there’s nothing to talk about.”
Pamela tapped her pen on the clipboard, her eyes never looking away from Dean’s. He didn’t look away either.
“How’s the family?”
Pamela knew that was a minefield with Dean; the way Dean clenched his jaw was a clear indicator, but she still asked.
“They’re fine.” He was always able to keep his voice neutral from any emotion, but the fire in his eyes gave him away.
“I met with your dad yesterday, lovely man, and he told me you’ve been working more hours.”
His leg was bouncing and his jaw clenched again. “I have.” The change of subject didn’t affect his tone but his posture became stiffer, guarded.
“He said you’ve been taking Sam with you.”
“What can I say; he likes to watch me work.” Dean was stretching his lips in an attempt of a smile.
He was looking at her, warning her to not go any further, but she knew better than to back away now.
“He’s a great kid from what I hear; Perfect GPA, nicest kid in class, even an excellent part in the theatre.”
“That’s Sammy.” This time, when Dean smiled, it seemed sincere.
“You’re very proud of him, aren’t you?”
“Who wouldn’t be?”
“Is that why you got in a fight with Gordon?”
Dean didn’t show any emotion, but his leg kept shaking. He didn’t answer for a while, twisting his fingers and looking at Pamela in a way that made her leather pants even hotter than they were. She was a professional, aware of the age difference and of the policy, not to mention how wrong it was, but the kid was a looker.
“Dean,” she pushed, “is that why you two have been starting all those fights?”
Dean was still looking at her when he answered. “Sam is a smart kid; he can’t be getting in trouble.”
“Does Sam ask you to fight for him?”
“He doesn’t have to.”
“Nobody asks you to get in fights either, but every time you see Gordon, you’re a bull seeing red.” Dean’s jaw twitched. “Now I’ve asked around and people do say Gordon tends to pick on Sam, but he has never made it physical. Sam can defend himself pretty well, too.”
“I know Sam can, I raised that guy, but he’s not gonna fuck up his perfect record into a good college because of that jackass.”
Pamela wrote something down on her clipboard. Immediately, Dean went into defensive mode, more than he was.
“What the hell did you just write?” She peered at him through her long lashes as she kept scribbling on her clipboard. He was able to control his breathing so it wouldn’t flare up his nostrils, but his knuckles had turned white due to how hard he was clenching his fists. He wanted to rip that paper, rip away any evidence that he was anything but okay, yet all the movement Dean did was bounce his leg again. What the hell had she written? When had Dean let his shield down long enough for her to pick up on it? Did she write about Sam? His leg stopped bouncing; his fists unclenched as he slowly straightened his back. Dean wasn’t mad, he was furious; he was ready to leap from the couch and attack the very words she had written. But he was calm, cool, collected. The peaceful humming of calm before the storm.
“You raised your brother?” Pamela finally asked.
“You really think that snot-nosed kid learned how to fight on his own?” Dean was looking at her, thinking of reasons why he shouldn’t walk out. But then she would have something to write on her fucking clipboard, so he sat still, starring at those brown eyes.
“Your dad didn’t do a good enough job?”
“Well, if you consider staying out all night at bars and leaving us alone at the house for hours any kind of job, then yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“Is that why you’re so protective of Sam?” Pamela had left the pen rest on the clipboard’s surface, propping her chin on her hand. So far, she hadn’t written anything down.
“He’s my little brother,” Dean said as he linked his fingers together, “I’ll always protect him. No matter what.”
“Even when he asks you not to?”
“Especially when he asks me not to. He’s too damn smart for his own to be fighting someone like Gordon.”
“Sam said the same thing about you.” His blood was boiling under his skin, but the same calmness washed over him; the same waves that crashed into him right before he beat the shit out of someone. “Sam also mentioned that you’ve been having nightmares.”
The anger, for a second, was pushed away by confusion, but it just came barreling back. “Bullshit. Sam wouldn’t talk to a shrink about my damn issues.”
“Why not?”
“Because he knows he’d have me to deal with.” Dean did the mistake of taking her look of pity as concern. Nobody worried about him except Sam, even those who were paid to care. He was shaken from his thoughts when Pamela’s soft voice spoke.
“He talked to me because he’s worried. Sam wants to help you, but since you won’t let him, he told me about your nightmares, so I can help you.”
“Well that’s not his place.” Pamela opened her mouth to say something but Dean was pretty sure if he heard her ask another one of her fucking questions he’d do something he’d regret. “Look, I’m the big brother; I’m the one that has raised Sam since I was four.” He ran a hand through his hair but never once looked away from Pamela. “He’s not supposed to see me like this. Sam can’t see me coming to fucking counseling or see me kicking and screaming at night because of a bad dream, he can’t. He’s not the one who looks out for me; I’m the one who looks out for him. I’m the one who takes care of him; I’m the one who needs to keep him safe, to protect him.”
Dean was talking louder, fiercer, than he meant. It was the result of keeping his feelings bottled up 24/7. The more he talked, the more his anger boiled up; it got harder to see who he was mad at; Pamela, for asking so many fucking questions, Sam, for talking to her about him… or himself for being so damn weak.
Pamela’s brows were creased in question, her pen still scribbling words on her paper. Dean’s leg was bouncing again and his fingers were painfully interlaced, and he didn’t look away from Pamela’s eyes.
“I think Sam can protect himself from a harmless bully like Gordon. Is that why you’re protecting him?”
“Not really. Gordon knows if he keeps messing with Sam, he’ll end up with a broken nose and ribs.”
“Then what are you protecting him from?”
“From everything,” Dean yelled. Everything he’d been holding onto was slipping from his shoulders and flowing out of his mouth, and there was no way to stop it from coming out now. “From Gordon, yes, but from other kids too; from having to deal with all the crap his family has made him go through, from dad, from-” that’s when he stopped. That’s when the same fear and shame came over him and made him shut up.
“From…” Pamela prompted. Dean’s lip was quivering, and his green eyes were filled with fear… with sadness and desperation. “Dean? What are you protecting Sam from?” His hands were shaking and his breathing shook from his mouth as he breathed out.
From me. Those two words bounced around his head, echoing in his hollow mind. I’m protecting him from me.
“Dean, what are you afraid of?” That’s when he dropped his gaze.
Friday, June 5th
Dean was the only one in the bus but even if there were a hundred other kids he would’ve ignored them all. His duffel bag was at his side, which they didn’t check as well as they had made it to seem, since his pack of cigarettes was seated at the bottom of the bag. He was listening to music as he watched the trees blend into green, as the bus drove deeper and deeper into the forest, his earphones vibrating against his ears since the music was at top volume.
It was a long drive, more than two hours to get there, but even when the clearing of where the camp was come into view, Dean just sank into his seat, dreading what was about to come.
The bus pulled up next to the biggest cabin at the camp, the walls painted red, as the two-story house shined with the morning sun. Each window had a flower bed underneath it, and the porch was a dark brown with recliner chairs, a cup of lemonade set beside each one.
It was fucking hideous.
“Come on kid, I ain’t got all day.” The police officer was motioning for Dean to get up, his other hand poised on his hip. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, He was trying to count until he knew he wouldn’t snap. So far it wasn’t working.
He rolled his earphones around his iPod and walked to the front of the bus, saluting to the officer before getting off.
It was ten in the morning, the sun beating down hard but cool air made up for it. The cafeteria was to his right while two smaller cabins were across the circular fireplace in the middle of everything.
Two other cabins, parallel to the ones across from him, were behind him. There was also a lake behind the cabins in front of him, huge and glimmering under the sun.
“Those,” the officer said as he pointed to the cabins in front of the lake, “are the boy’s cabins. The two behind us are the girl’s. If a boy is in the girl’s cabin, or if a girl is in the boy’s cabin, the door must be open at all times. We trust you idiots to be smart enough and not be breaking the rules.”
“What happens if I do?” Dean taunted.
“Believe me,” the officer leaned in close to his space, Dean leaning away from his greasy face, “you don’t want to know.”
The guy grabbed Dean by the forearm and dragged him into the Big House. He didn’t even have time to register anything in it before he was pushed into a large officer room.
A man was seated behind the desk, writing on paper but never looked up.
“Sit,” the officer ordered. Dean thought of many witty things he could’ve said but decided to just do as he was told. The chair was stiff and uncomfortable, but Dean did his best to not shift too much.
The guy could’ve really laid off the hamburgers once in a while. As if he had heard, the man lifted his gaze and fixed it on Dean. He took of his glasses and lightly placed them on the desk.
“Dean, I presume.”
“That’s me.”
“Welcome to Black Water Camp. I am Mr. Smith but you will call me ‘sir’. Understood?”
Bite me. “Yes, sir.”
“Excellent, I am sure we’ll get along just fine.”
“As am I,” Dean said with an awkwardly big smile as he vigorously shook Mr. Smith’s extended hand. He eventually yanked his hand from Dean’s firm grasp with a ‘trying to be polite’ smile.
“Well, some things before the officer takes you back outside,” Mr. Smith glanced at the door and his face formed into disbelief. “Rufus, we talked about this.”
Dean didn’t turn around but he heard the officer scoff. “Oh, right.”
“Put those away, we don’t want to make these damn fools second-hand smokers, now do we?” This time, Dean turned his head, barely but clearly able to see Rufus place the pack in his back pocket.
“Anyway, Mr. Winchester, a few things you should know: Wake up time is six each morning, breakfast at six thirty until seven thirty. Every day, we will have different activities that may be only boys or only girls. On weekends, it is your day off to do whatever you want with adult supervision.” Dean nodded along as Mr. Smith listed the set of activities they would do on each day of the week. This was going to be a long summer. “Every night from nine to ten, we will have a bonfire, kind of a wrapping up of the day activity. Everyone will be in their cabins at ten, but lights out is at eleven. Any questions?”
Finally he said something that actually concerned him. “Yeah, when will we get to make calls?” Sam was going to be alone at home with his dad, and that was something Dean would never forgive himself for doing to his brother.
“You can call home every Friday. Anything else?”
“That’s about it.” The chair was biting into his ass, the air inside the office was stiff, and it was suffocating him.
“Fantastic. Rufus, please escort Mr. Winchester out onto The Pit.”
Dean was yanked out of his seat by an under his arm pit, dragged out of the office and through the rest of the house. Right before Rufus opened the door, however, he turned to face Dean, glaring down at him.
“I know you think you’re all bad and all kid, but trust me, you ain’t.” He wasn’t easily intimidated, but Dean hated to admit that he was wishing Mr. Smith would pop out of his office. “Right now you’re feeling like a hot shot but after a while, that’ll go away. We didn’t just drop you at a nice summer vacation resort that happened to have an opening. Black Water Camp is where all ‘troubled’ kids, put nicely, come to rot for a whole summer, since your family doesn’t want you. You think you’re bad now? Wait until you meet the others; there are guys that will rip you limb from limb and girls who will beat you to a pulp given the opportunity.”
“Well if they’re so bad, why aren’t they in Juvy?”
He was in thin ice and he knew it, yet he couldn’t help the comment from coming out.
Rufus pointed a finger at Dean’s chest, pushing to the point that it hurt. “You smart mouth any adults at this camp, you’ll have me to deal with. But if you smart mouth any of the kids out there,” he said as he pointed the same finger at the door, “we might just return you to your daddy with a brand new nose.” He wasn’t scared, no, but when Rufus opened the door, he was fighting to stay inside.
Day #1
Castiel’s group had arrived at camp at six. Imagine: 15 guys who had woken up at three in the morning with no food or anything else to keep them awake. Now, imagine 15 guys who were sent to a camp for ‘bad’ kids being on a bus that moved way too much to take a decent nap in. Finally, picture how these pissed off guys who were already being sent to a camp for misbehavior might act around other pissed off guys who were sent to camp for the same reason.
Yeah, not pretty.
But most guys’ anger turned to excitement when the girl’s bus arrived at seven. Castiel pretty much kept to himself as the sixteen girls interacted with the fourteen guys.
This was such a bad set up. Girls between the ages of 15 to 17 known for bad behavior set only 20 feet apart from boys 15 to 17 known for bad behavior. How the hell was that supposed to work?
Soon after the girls had arrived, the two groups were lead to the cafeteria and were fed breakfast. That’s when Castiel learned he had a disadvantage. Already each table had its own group that was talking loudly to each other, laughing and joking.
He wasn’t bothered by it; he had been an independent guy since he was seven. Castiel was use to the routine. He made his way to a corner of the cafeteria that the masses hadn’t yet claimed. And to his good fortune, it was right next to a window that looked out onto the lake. Castiel had always loved nature, being outdoors, feeling free, with absolutely no boundaries.
That’s what every other boy and girl there missed. They saw the opportunity of being at that camp as a cruel punishment for their behavior. It was meant to be a punishment, but that didn’t stop Castiel from appreciating the wilderness around him. It was nice.
After breakfast, they were dragged around camp and shown where everything was. They wanted about around the clock security. So, they better not try and run for it. Since any sort of civilization was miles away, why even try?
They took their bags to their cabins, Castiel dropping his on the top bunk of the bunk bed to the left of the door. There were two bunk beds on each side of the cabin, end to end. Castiel was already sick of the close proximity. Luckily, since 15 didn’t divide evenly, there were only seven guys in his cabin, one bed left empty until the guy on the top bunk decided to put his bag on it.
“Everybody settled in? Good.” The officer, Jody Mills, had her hands on her hips as she glared at all the boys in the cabin. “Now, since we like you guys so much, you’ll be going outside again to play a get to know you better game.” All the guys began to protest, but Castiel stayed silent. He hated the idea of bonding with anybody at this camp, but Jody wouldn’t let him go through the summer without at least making one friend.
Castiel was beginning to like Black Water Camp less and less.
The guys slowly filtered out of the cabin, hissing at the sun, Castiel was the last one to get out.
“Castiel wait.” He wasn’t surprised. He stepped inside into the cabin where Jody was waiting, her arms folded against her chest as she gave him a questioning look. “How you doing? You okay?”
Castiel shrugged nonchalantly, keeping his face neutral. “I’m okay.”
She smiled at him, lightly placing her hands on his shoulders. Her smile was so kind and warm, but the smile Castiel gave her was just to prove that he was alright.
“This is good for you kid. After this, everything will be better.” He wouldn’t meet her gaze.
She eventually let him join the group at The Pit, the fireplace in front of their cabin and in the middle of camp. They had spread them out in a circle around the fireplace, in boy-girl order. Castiel was already regretting having ever thought that camp would be fun. One of the many counselors started to talk but was interrupted by the door of the Big House being pushed open; a big man was dragging out a struggling guy. He pushed the teen down the porch steps, and he would’ve lost his balance if he hadn’t been caught by members of the circle. All of the guys snickered and the girls whispered to each other. The guy that had caught the army jacket guy pushed him away, the guy glared at him while he dusted himself off.
The guy followed the police officer that had pushed him off the porch, towards the bus, but abruptly stopped when the officer turned around with a sneer.
“What the hell you think you’re doing?” the officer asked with mock confusion.
“What-what do you mean?”
“Oh kid, you’re stayin’ here with these lovely morons for the whole summer. Did your little pea-sized brain not get that?”
The guy’s eyes got wide, his duffel bag falling to his feet. “What?!”
The officer began to laugh but was startled when the guy threw himself on him, the guy grabbing the officer’s collar in the balls of his fists.
“Get off me!”
“You can’t leave me here!” The guy was panicking, shaking the officer, as if to make him understand. “I’m not gonna make it out here!” They’ll tear me apart!” A couple counselors broke away from the group and rushed over to the officer’s aid. When the guy noticed the counselors moving in on him, he took shield behind the officer, peering over the man’s shoulder at the other adults. “No! You can’t make me stay!”
“Oh yes we can!” The officer reached behind him, but the guy easily dodged his hands. He tried to turn around but the guy just moved to stay behind him.
“No! Please, you can’t!” He hugged the officer’s torso and buried his face to the man’s back. At this point, everyone was laughing, grabbing their stomachs and wiping away tears. Castiel could do nothing but stare.
“Get it together!” The officer turned around and grabbed the guy by the shoulders, shaking him. “You can’t start whining now! Maybe next time you’re beating the crap out of someone or stealing from convenient stores, you’ll think of the consequences.”
The guy nodded vigorously with wide eyes, dusting himself off again, when the officer let him go. He was still standing in the same place when the officer had driven away in the bus.
“If you’re done having your melt down, come join the circle.” The counselors returned to their spots in the circle while the rest of the group tried to stop laughing. Pretty quickly, everyone had turned their attention away from him, but Castiel was still staring. He was able to see the guy flip something in his hand once before swiftly placing it in his back pocket, walking towards the group with a smirk.
“Alright, now that the show is over, we can get to our activity. Actually,” Counselor Zach said as he fixed his gaze on the new corner, “why don’t you start us off.”
He caught the volleyball Counselor Zach had been holding onto and tossed it in the air as he spoke, still tossing the ball. “What do you want me to say?”
“You can start with your name, why you’re here, and what you hope to gain from this experience.”
“Okay,” he caught the ball and smiled at the group. “Hi, my name is Dean Winchester, I’m here because I couldn’t stay out of trouble, and I hope to gain a couple of phone numbers this summer,” he said as he threw a wink at some girl. All the girls began to whistle and hollered at him, while Dean just chuckled.
“Thank you,” Zach said flatly, “for sharing with the rest of the group. Now throw that to someone else in the group.”
It went on for a while, everyone sharing why they were sent to Black Water Camp. Castiel had listened to the first five people who shared, but they were all there for the same reason, so instead he looked at the group.
He didn’t belong there. Sure Castiel had done some crappy stuff that he regretted and wished he could take back, but he didn’t belong at that camp with these people. Castiel wasn’t a problematic guy.
He was startled from his thoughts when the volleyball was hurled towards his chest, which he easily caught but grunted from the impact. All the guys started “ooh” in mock amazement, only making him hate this place more and more.
“Uh,” he slowly turned the ball in his hands, still looking at the ground, “my name is Castiel,” waiting until the snickers die out, “and I’m here because I ran away one too many times and destruction of property.”
“What you’d do?”
It took him a second to realize that the question was directed to him. Castiel, without really meaning to, glanced over at the new guy. He was looking right back.
“What’d you do?” He asked again. Castiel glared at the guy, at Dean for making him talk more than he wanted to.
“I set an old barn yard on fire.”
“Well that’s little fucked up.” They were glaring at each other, and Castiel didn’t need to look away to know everyone was looking from him to Dean and back to him.
“You’re here too, so you can’t be that much of a saint.” Castiel wasn’t one to have a comeback for any sort of comment, but there was just this thing about Dean that made Castiel so mad. He had his arms folded and a cocky look on his face that was so irrationally frustrating.
“I might not be a saint,” his serious expression broke into a wicked grin, “but I can’t still make you get down on your knees and feel blessed.”
Immediately, all the guys began to holler and the girls were laughing their heads off, Dean smirked at him. He might’ve barely met the guy, but Castiel hated Dean.
“Alright, alright! Everybody calm down.” It took a couple of minutes for everyone to settle down, snickering and throwing side comments towards Castiel. He was still holding the volleyball.
“Thank you Mr. Winchester,” Counselor Zach said pointedly at Dean, “for the graceful input you contributed to the group.”
“Any time,” he said loudly, earning a few laughs that quickly died out. Castiel was slowly turning the volleyball again, looking at its white surface. It was middle school all over again and just like before, Castiel could do nothing to defend himself. He had to coward under the tougher guy to survive, afraid of his own ability to beat the shit out of people. That’d been the same reason he had run away from his first foster home.
Counselor Zach motioned for Castiel to throw the ball, and his hands felt weird not being able to hold onto something. Instead, he stuffed his hands into his pockets, looking down at the ground and trying to count every pebble.
“That was our ‘Get to know you’ portion of the day, so now, we’ll show you where you’ll be spending most of your time this summer.” Jody broke from the circle and motioned for the group to follow her, leading them to a path next to the Big House.
At first, Castiel just stood there, waiting for everyone to walk in front of him, so he’d avoid everybody else. At this point, he was counting the days until he’d be able to leave and go… where?
Before his thoughts got too weird for his taste, he began to follow the group when he saw Dean still standing there too, arms still folded and those piercing eyes staring right at him. It was a moment of hesitation, but he broke eye contact and walked past Dean and toward the dirt path the group had gone on.
Castiel was only able to walk a couple of steps before Dean was walking right beside him, hands inside if his army jacket’s pockets. He didn’t glance or even acknowledge Dean’s presence, wary of what he’d do if Dean spoke a single word.
“Your name is Castiel right?”
“Yes.” They were both looking straight ahead, about five feet away from the rear of the group.
“That’s a weird fucking name; your parents must’ve thought you were damn special.” Castiel didn’t bother responding to that. “What’s your last name?”
All the questions Dean was asking were only irritating Castiel even more. “Novak.”
“Castiel Novak?” Dean laughed with incredulous shock. “Kinda sounds like a crappy tongue twister.” With every word, Castiel’s fist clenched a little tighter. “But hey, who am I to judge? I mean, my last name is a type of alcohol, and it ain’t really a conversation piece.”
Castiel kept looking forward. GOD this kid is annoying. He walked a little faster, trying to get closer to the group and away from Dean, but he’d just catch up and walk beside him again.
“Why you’d set that barn yard on fire?” Castiel looked down at the ground, his pace slightly slowing. He wasn’t the talking type already, and he really didn’t want to share his thought process while lighting up the barn like a candle, which wasn’t even what had happened. “Hey, it’s cool. You don’t have to tell me. I was just curious why anybody would set a barn yard on fire.”
Castiel stepped in front of Dean, causing the other to step back in surprise. “I know for a fact that all the girls here will try to get you to get inside their pants by the end of the week; the guys already think you’re the funniest kid here, and the counselors are always eyeing you to make sure you don’t do anything. I don’t know of it’s this desire to be liked or to just be the center of attention, either way, stop trying.” Castile didn’t know who was more surprised, Dean or himself.
Castiel was quiet, took everyone’s crap, might’ve been dying little by little but insisted he was fine. He was the one who made no impression whatsoever, kind of blended to the background. But right now, he was ready to throw away a tolerable summer and punch the guy in the face.
Dean quickly went from surprised to angry, fire burning in his eyes.
“Don’t pretend to know my reasoning behind everything I do because you don’t. You have no fucking idea who I am.” Dean spit the words out and they were inches from each other. Castiel should’ve felt scared, or angry, anything really, but he felt no emotion at all as Dean fumed and clenched his fists. Only mild curiosity. He had gone from joking around to ready to tear Castiel apart in less than a second.
“You’re right, I don’t know you. So why don’t you take that packet of cigarettes you stole from Officer Rufus, go smoke somewhere deep in the woods, and leave me the hell alone.” It came out flat as to not trigger the guy. He was breathing hard and kept on clenching his jaw but didn’t say anything.
Even if he did, it didn’t matter. Castiel had turned around and started walking towards the group, 10 feet away, with his hands in his front pockets. Against his better judgment, maybe to make sure he wasn’t going to be tackled, he quickly glanced over his shoulder to see an empty dirt road and the trees surrounding the camp.
He turned his gaze to the back of the group again, still 10 feet away. They were headed to the same destination, no need to rush to catch up. Castiel looked around at the tall trees and bushes holding some sort of berry, and without meaning to, sank into memory. Even though the only noise the birds were making was quiet chirps lost in the foliage of the trees, he was able to hear the owl’s wings as it flew deeper into the dark. Sunshine was filtering in through the branches and wind was blowing fresh air, but he could still feel the cold shivers that ran down his spine as he cradled himself and tried to fall asleep on the hard ground.
No, he wasn’t going to do this to himself. He wasn’t going to feel sorry for his own mistakes.
He ran towards the group, which had stopped at a clearing with a small building to the far left of the space. It looked like it would fall down if somebody so much as exhaled in its direction.
“That’s the Shack. You’ll be coming here twice a week and this activity will be divided between guys and girls.” Everyone began to talk, and in between the conversations, he was able to hear the cracking of twigs and leaves being ruffled. When he looked to the right he was able to see Dean blowing the last of smoke out of his mouth. Castiel was still looking at him when he began to walk towards the group, but Dean was looking straight ahead.
He would’ve believed that Dean didn’t see him if it wasn’t for him bumping against Castiel’s shoulder. Fucking child. Jody kept explaining some of the activities they would be doing inside the Shack and Castiel tried to focus as best he could but just seeing that run down building brought the heat of a roaring fire and the too vivid memory of screaming. The screaming is what haunted him the most.
His feet would’ve been rooted in place if it wasn’t for the short girl that had linked their arms together and was dragging him towards the group that had headed towards another dirt path.
“Well aren’t you a quiet fox.” Castiel furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, looking down at the girl with black curly hair. She looked up at him, her brown eyes twinkling with amusement. “Oh don’t worry Castle, I don’t bite. At least not on the first date,” she said with a suggestive wink.
“My name isn’t Castle.”
“Then what’s your name?”
“Castiel.”
She seemed to consider it for a while, nodding and scanning over Castiel’s body in a predatory way. “Well, Castiel, I’m Meg and I have a very good feeling that we’ll get along just fine.”
They walked along the border of Black Water Lake towards a long wooden building that was half on land and half on the water. Inside, the floor was shaped like U, water from the lake in the middle. Two cones with ankle-high water and a very rusty motor boat was floating on the water. There were only four walls inside the building too, the building opening up to look out at the glistening lake.
“This is the Port. You guys won’t be spending a lot of time here but you will come in here when needed.”
Castiel had his hands in his pockets while Meg’s arm was still hooked to his. Half of the group had gone to one side of the dock while Castiel and the rest were on the other side. He hadn’t meant to but he’d noticed Dean shuffling and looking through some of the shelves that lined the walls. He picked up a can and scanned it before bringing it up to his nose. Immediately, he recoiled and dropped the can back on the shelf with a look of disgust. He truly was a child.
“On the weekend some of the counselors might be fishing and those who want to join can come in here to get a fishing pole-” Jody, however, had caught Castiel’s eyes. For a moment she was at a loss of words, looking at him with astonishment. Castiel looked down at the short girl besides him, another wink thrown his way as she shuffled closer to him. He met Jody’s wide eyes again and he tried his best at a nonchalant shrug. “Uh, anyway, this activity will be with both boys and girls and some lucky few will be able to work some jobs in here.”
The groups had started to talk to one another, throwing around some paddles and making a bigger mess than there already was. Meg was resting her head against Castiel’s forearm since she was too short to reach his shoulder. He didn’t like it exactly; she was in here for a reason, but he didn’t protest against it either.
“I’m so glad they brought me here instead of Juvy.”
“Why is that?” he asked even though he wasn’t paying attention, looking at chaos unraveling around him.
“Sarcasm isn’t one of your languages is it?”
“I do speak five different languages.”
He felt Meg remove her arm from his and when Castiel looked at her she had a wicked grin on her face with her hands crossed. “You’re just a bag of surprises aren’t you?”
Castiel frowned but didn’t think too much of it since Counselor Zach was screaming at the top of his lungs as he tried to calm everyone. Eventually everyone had calmed down enough for Zach to explain the other crap about the Port the kids just HAD to know. To Castiel it was all background noise that distracted him from his darker than usual thoughts as he looked at the surface of the lake. There were no ripples on the water or twigs sticking out of the surface. It was a perfect mirror.
He’d forgotten what peace of mind was in the process of running away and trying to make it one more day. Sometimes, on the rarest of occasions, he was able to focus on one thing and be happy with staying, but there was always something that made him turn away, run miles and miles without looking back.
Castiel was tired of running.
This time, when the group started heading out, he was the first one to exit the smelly building. As they made their way back to The Pit, Counselor Zach pointed out the warehouse where Black Water Camp’s supplies were. Right next to it were the communal bathrooms. The counselors said that they trusted them to be adults about the situation and not completely screw it up. Castiel knew it was asking for trouble. Throughout the rest of the tour, he expected Meg to come and hook their arms together again or for Dean to try at conversation again. He arrived at The Pit alone while the rest of the group chattered away.
It was amazing to think that 2 hours had passed since the first time they were there, but they had and it was time for lunch. While everyone fought over slices of bread to create their sandwiches, Castiel sat at his isolated table looking out the window. Not even a day and he was already regretting coming here in the first place. He should’ve run when he had the chance. “What the hell dude!” Somebody yelled from the lunch setup table. Not to Castiel’s surprise, the guy yelling was talking to Dean.
“What?”
“You already have three sandwiches; can you leave some ham for the rest of us?”
“Tell you what; the day that you can reach the table I’ll give you your slices of ham.” The other guy was relatively shorter than Dean, and when he stepped closer with his fists balled up, he barely reached Dean’s chest.
“Want to say that again?” he growled.
“I find it a waste since you still won’t be able to hear me all way down there.”
Everyone was glancing from Dean to the other guy, waiting for the punches to start flying, but Castiel’s gaze was fixed on Dean. This guy was looking for trouble, and when it found him, he didn’t back down.
To everyone’s confusion, even Dean’s, the guy began to laugh. Dean was smiling down at him and others might’ve confused it for amusement, but Castiel saw the twitch of his jaw.
Before anyone else could fully register it, the smaller guy had thrown his fist upwards with all the strength he could muster. But Dean was too damn quick, catching the fist with his left hand before it made contact with his face and bending it behind the guy. Dean bent the guy over the table, still holding his fist behind his back while his other hand pressed the guy’s face to the table.
“Try that again, I’ll make sure you have no fists to throw at people. Got it?” Dean hissed while leaning over the guy.
The room had gone completely quiet as Dean let go of the guy and shoved his shaking fists into his jacket’s pockets. It was such a quick movement that Castiel almost missed how much they were shaking. Almost.
The guy lifted himself from the table and started advancing towards Dean, who wasn’t backing away, until the guy was stopped by the towering form of Zach.
“Gentlemen, do we have a problem here?” Nobody in the room answered. “I’m only going to ask this once more,” Zach said as he raised his voice, “do we have a problem here?” The group mumbled their ‘No Sir’ but that wasn’t enough to satisfy him. “Mr. Walker, is there a problem?”
“No Sir,” he grumbled as he kept glaring at Dean.
“Mr. Winchester, is there a problem?”
“Nope. Everything is peachy.” He had the smuggest smile Castiel had ever seen someone give.
The bright smile was so different from the tension in the room that Castiel almost burst out laughing. Only now did he realize how dangerous Dean was. He was a stick of TNT lit from both ends, everyone around him waiting for him to explode. Dean Winchester wasn’t looking for trouble; he was what trouble hid from.
Zach glared around the room for a while, making everyone coward under his gaze. “Alright since everything here is ‘Peachy’ we might as well start with our afternoon activities.”
Castiel hadn’t gotten up from his seat and soon it was just him and Dean in the vast cafeteria.
“Son of a bitch,” he murmured as he pulled out the white pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket and lit one up. He sat on the table with his back to Castiel, not realizing that he was still there. Smoke drifted upwards in small twirls, then coming as smoke rings that dissolved halfway before reaching the ceiling. There was something oddly hypnotic about the various sizes of the smoke rings that once again became twirls in the air.
“Mind if I have one?”
Dean jumped as the silence was disrupted in the cool room. It took him a while, but he was able to find the source of the voice, his hard glare returning.
“I don’t know, doesn’t that mean me interacting with you and not leaving you the hell alone?”
“I’m not trying to pick a fight, so there’s no need for you to get angry. All I’m asking for is a cigarette.”
“Yeah, well here’s your cigarette,” Dean said as he flipped Castiel off. “And here’s another one in case the first one wasn’t enough for you.” He was still holding up both middle fingers as he left the cafeteria and left Castiel sitting alone.
It was going to be an interesting summer.
ܔܛܓܛܟܟܔܔܛ ܔܔܛܓܛܟܟܔ ܔܔܛܓܛܟܟܔܔ
By the time dinner rolled around, everyone was sweating and grunting from the effort walking had become. Castiel and a few others were the only ones not struggling for breath since they were used to working out.
They had spent the whole afternoon arranging the food boxes and other supplies inside of the warehouse to make it easier to find what they would need for all of their meals.
Even though he had done a pretty good job at hiding the food, Castiel was able to notice that Dean’s army jacket was bulkier than it had been before they had entered the warehouse, that smug smile back in place.
The Pit was blazing with fire, chasing away the cold that had settled with the night. The log Castiel had sat on was cold but the fire warmed up pretty quickly. Even with the fire less than four feet away from him a cold shiver ran down his spine, reminding him of the ever blazing fire of the farmhouse.
He focused his thoughts across the fire instead, trying to stop the screams that were echoing across his mind. To his great fortune, Dean was sitting just on the other side of the fire. His legs were on either side of the log while he talked to two girls, twins, who were blushing and giggling.
Whatever Dean was saying must’ve been extremely funny since two other girls joined the group, sitting next to the twins. Soon all five of them were laughing hysterically, attracting the attention of the rest of the group.
“What do you think he’s saying that’s so funny?” Meg asked as she sat next to Castiel and interlocked their arms once more.
“Probably a humorous joke. Most likely they’re just laughing in an attempt to seem flirtatious.”
Castiel looked down at Meg with surprise when he felt her body shake with laughter. He didn’t make jokes all the time and when he did, people just gave him puzzled looks.
It was a quiet giggle that was muffled by a hand on the lips. It was cute, no other word to describe it. He felt warmth spread throughout his chest as he looked down at Meg resting her head against his arm. The smallest hint of a smile played on his own lips, but when he directed his eyes across the fire again, he was met with intense green eyes.
Dean was glaring at him, glancing at Meg and his brow creased in annoyance. When his eyes met with Castiel’s again, he tilted his head in confusion, trying to figure out why Dean was glaring at them. He turned his attention back to the girls, and his face broke into a smile as if he hadn’t been staring daggers at Castiel just seconds ago.
“Ugh, did you see that?” He turned his attention back to Meg.
“See what?”
“The way Dean was looking at me, like a freaking animal.” It was an unexpected feeling that left him confused for a second before he realized what it was. Castiel had gotten jealous of Dean looking at Meg.
He’d met interesting people before but he’d never gotten jealous over someone he’d barely met. Especially when they had only said about three sentences to each other per conversation.
But he couldn’t get attached; Castiel couldn’t make himself an anchor to this place. That would just make it harder for him to leave…
Castiel stood up abruptly, staring at Meg.
“What’s wrong?”
“Uh, I need to talk to Officer Mills. I’ll see you later.” He turned his back to the fire and headed towards his cabin and was met halfway by Jody.
“Castiel, what are you doing?”
“I can’t.” He was shaky and out of breath. “I’m trying, I really am, but I can’t Jody.”
“Can’t? Can’t what?”
“I can’t sit around for a whole damn month with the same people! I can’t!” Jody was worried and that was obvious but Castiel couldn’t help himself. He was panicking just thinking about being tied down to one place with no chance of escape.
“Okay Castiel, calm down.”
And he did something he wasn’t necessarily proud of, he hugged her. At first they both froze and didn’t move or even speak, but then Castiel felt her strong, warm hands on his back. He’d forgotten why he’d hugged her in the first place, but he tightened his arms around Jody’s waist and sank his face on her shoulder.
“I know it’s difficult to find a stable home or even reason to stay, but you’ll get there.” Now he remembered. After a couple more seconds, he pulled away, but Jody placed her warm hands on his shoulders. “I know you Castiel, you don’t give up easy. You’ll make it to the end of the summer.”
He nodded and before he could regret anything he headed towards the cabin again, placing the map he’d sneaked from Jody’s back pocket into his own pocket.
ܔܛܓܛܟܟܔܔܛ ܔܔܛܓܛܟܟܔ ܔܔܛܓܛܟܟܔܔ
His back was against the wall while his book was propped up by his knees. His black hair brushed against the ceiling and his leg swung from the side. Castiel had calmed down and had lost himself between the pages of his book as he walked along side Gatsby in the afternoon sun.
The seven guys that busted into the cabin, however loud, or how many slaps his leg got, could not distract him.
“Man there are some fine ass honeys at this camp,” the guy from the top bed on the same wall said. “I have no idea how I’m gonna make it this summer.”
“I know how I’m gonna do it,” said the one below Castiel’s bed. “That girl, Jenna. She could barely keep her hands off me AND she’s a cheerleader so you know she can bend all kinds of ways.”
“Nah dude, that’s the problem.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s a cheerleader. They’re high class. They won’t go all the way with a guy who takes care of his hair more than she does.” Laughs erupted throughout the cabin that taunted the guy.
“Even if she wasn’t a cheerleader, she wouldn’t do it,” Castiel said without looking away from his book. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, but he wouldn’t meet any of them, keeping his eyes on the letters on the page.
“Yeah? And why is that? I think I’m good looking enough for Jenna to at least get to third base with.”
“Anybody with any shred of self-respect wouldn’t have sex with anybody in this cabin.” It came out more aggressive than what Castiel meant, but everything he said was true.
“Doesn’t that apply to you too, though? I’m not saying you could even get to holding hands with anybody, but that girl you had around your arm the whole day sure seemed friendly. I bet she’d be down if I ask very nicely.”
He was standing in front of the guy in a second, his glare focused on the shorter guy. For a second it looked like he would back down, but he stood his ground, puffing up his chest. He looked like a child.
“Come on Gabriel,” Dean called from his bottom bed, “we all know that the only way you’ll get any this summer is if you masturbate since you’re the only one with low enough standards to fuck you.”
Immediately everyone began to holler and started jumping around like maniacs. It was chaos but even Gabriel was laughing. Castiel had never seen anything like it. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was always jumping from foster home to foster home. Soon, it seemed like the whole camp was yelling random crap into the otherwise quiet night.
Castiel climbed up to his bed again to not get more involved in the madness, but he was transfixed with the guys shoving each other and the whole camp screaming and the top of their lungs.
Pretty soon, Castiel could feel the smile that was displayed on his face and the genuine feeling of happiness. Everybody here was sent to this camp because no other place would take them, but here everyone was able to accept that they were all a little fucked up.
In between all the chaos and confusion, he met those hard green eyes. This time, however, it wasn’t the same glare from the campfire. It was curiosity.
“What the hell is going on here?!” Counselor Zach yelled. Nobody answered him and that was a bad play on their part since he only got angrier. “I don’t like repeating myself, so somebody better start talking and explaining why you’re yelling like damn animals at the zoo!” Still, nobody said a word. “Fine, you guys want to be little smartasses? Lights out!” He switched off the lights and slammed the door shut.
“He does know we can just turn the light back on, right?” Gabriel asked in the darkness.
“I don’t want to pick a fight with him; he’s kind of scary.” There were some weak laughs, but nobody turned on the light. It took an hour for everyone to stop talking, another two for everyone to fall asleep.
Almost everyone.
Saturday, June 6th
He woke up gasping for air and covered in sweat. That damn nightmare again. His body was tangled in the mess of blankets, but he pushed them away because he was sweating from head to toe. Everything around him was still pitch black, and when Dean checked his watch, it illuminated his face. 2:35 A.M. He tried to control his breathing, the same way he did when he got angry. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
Dean sat up on his bed, running a hand through his moist hair, when he heard the quiet thump. He strained his ears trying to hear another sound but he only heard the crickets outside.
Maybe I imagined it, Dean tried to convince himself, but then he heard it again, another quiet thump. His eyes were getting used to the darkness, giving him the opportunity to see somebody climb down the top bed. It was the bed diagonal to his.
Castiel, Dean remembered. He didn’t move or even breath, just watched as the guy quietly put on his jacket. What the hell was he doing?
He was like a damn cat, dressing himself and putting on his shoes without making a sound.
“If you’re having trouble with nightmares,” Castiel muttered but it was able to carry out in the quiet of the room, “you should try getting some fresh air. It helps clear your head.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” Dean whispered louder than Castiel had.
“I don’t get nightmares.”
Well good for fucking you. “Then why are you leaving?”
“Because I don’t sleep.” The door was closed but thousands of questions opened up in his mind. By four, Castiel still hadn’t returned.