Chapter Text
There aren’t words that can express just how painful, heartbreaking, numbing, and insanely lonely it is to lose a sister. Sure, those words are a good start, but ones that can perfectly explain just how soul-shattering it is simply don’t exist. It hurts. It hurts so much some days that Vi is certain it’s going to kill her. And just like how there’s no words that can compare to the pain, Vi can’t seem to find ones able to express just how sorry she is to have hurt her, to have walked away from her.
So, here Vi is once again, with nothing to say at her own little sister’s grave. It’s been so long and she’s done this so many times, she can’t even cry about it anymore. Her tears are all dried up, but her eyes still ache to let the feelings out. It stings and it burns, but it’s hardly noticeable these days. It’s just become Vi’s new normal.
It’s crazy to think life keeps going on, even after you’re all that’s left of your family. Most of the time, Vi wishes she could’ve died with Powder. They were all that each other had, it feels so wrong for one of them to continue living on in the absence of the other. Powder’s gone, but Vi’s still here. That isn’t right. Things shouldn’t be this way.
So many years she spent acting like she had grieved and gotten over it, quick in pretending to be the strong and unbreakable Vi everyone knew her as, when all she really wanted was to waste away inside her bed until she finally actually became the hollowed out cadaver she felt like she was. Of course, Vander saw through this facade. He wouldn’t let her blame herself and she appreciated that he cared, but honestly, there wasn’t anything he could say or do to change her opinion on the matter. It was her fault. No dismissing or sugar coating that.
Vi raised a hand up, gently grazing her bruised and calloused fingers over the indentation of her sister’s name on the cold, dirty stone. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better older sibling to you, Pow-Pow...” She whispered so quietly, trying so hard to force her voice to come up out of her throat, “You deserved the world, but all you got was me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough... I hope wherever you are now is a place where you can finally be happy. I hope mom and dad are there too, giving you all the hugs they’ve been missing out on.” She dropped her hand back down to her lap, lowering her gaze as well as she let out a shaky sigh, “I love and miss you so much it feels like my heart is going to stop... You were too good for this world, Pow. Thanks for having been my little sister. Gods know I didn’t deserve you...”
Then, like always, she laid down beside the grave until the sun went down. Leaving was so difficult. Realistically, she knew that Powder wasn’t here nor could she hear the pinkette’s pathetic prayers, but Vi kept up the ritual everyday anyway. Maybe one of these days she’ll actually find the right words-- words that don’t sound self-pitying, ones that express how she feels without making it seem like she hasn’t owned up to her actions, ones that Powder would actually want to hear, ones that could take back everything that happened, ones that were strong enough to save her. But words like that didn’t exist.
Nothing could change the past, and without her sister alive, Vi wasn’t sure there was even a future ahead. It is really crazy to think that life still goes on. Sometimes, Vi seriously wonders if she had died with Powder, and this place she was part of now was just her own personal hell. All she was any longer was hardly anything more than an empty husk left behind to wander the world without a purpose or beating heart. To forever be stuck feeling the pain Powder silently held onto throughout her entire short life. Dull and miserable agony in every waking moment, mind-numbing hurt and self-loathing in every intake of breath.
If this was Powder’s pain, then Vi didn’t want to ever let it go. If carrying this burden for the rest of eternity meant that Powder would never have to ever again, then Vi would endure it till she became nothing at all. In her head, that was what she deserved anyway.
But alas, thinking these things was useless. There was no way for her to really know if this was truly her punishment for her inadequacy in protecting Powder, or if this was just what mourning felt like. If this was just a desperate need to feel helpful in any way she could imagine. Regardless, time dragged on unbearably slow, and the emptiness in her chest only deepened more and more with every passing moon. It is what it is, and there’s nothing Vi can do but keep going.
Maybe one day she’d eventually see Powder again, in something more than a mere memory. Until that day comes, she’ll just have to do her best in working on becoming the older sister she feels she should have been. She’s got plenty of years ahead of her to figure it out. Maybe in that time, she’ll also find a way to forgive herself.
But for now, Vi needed to get back home.
She stood up and dusted off her pants before looking back at the gravestone with a sad smile, “I’ll see you again tomorrow. Sleep well.” Then she turned around and left, walking back into a life without Powder. She’ll try to find better words to say next time.