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Aenor only mentioned it in passing, one day when it was bucketing down with rain and she, Marcus, Critter and Kit were sitting by the fire just talking, never meaning for her words to hit home. But, they did, although "like when you left and came back and weren't very happy" wasn't exactly a hurtful sentence. She was referring to when, a year passed, Kit had went to war.
He returned, to his family's relief, and that had haunted him for a number of months when he did so - remembering his friends and those he did not know both, the ones who would never again enjoy the sweet embrace of their lover again (or never know it, as was the case with many a boy) and the ones who had left laughing, innocent children that were very much like Kit's own fatherless and alone in the world. And he had felt guilty, for enjoying those luxuries. At first, he had been consumed with the beauty that was peace and home, and that made him loathe himself even more so upon recalling that he was not meant to be here. He was not meant to have survived the gun fire and swords, or the hideous disease and infection that had spread. He was intended to have died with his men, he had been convinced of that. There were still somedays when he was, still somedays when his smiles would die and not even Ella's touch could bring them back. Those days, however, were dwindling with her advice and attitude, and he thanked the universe every single day for being blessed with her.
"Like that yes." He agreed weakly, eyes downcast as he thought of, and not for the first time he thought of how his moods would have affected his children. He had never meant to hurt them, never meant to have been a visibly different person around them, but he had and he was sorry more than they could ever know. And Ella, how terrible it must have been for her to nearly lost her husband to dark thoughts, with the knowledge that not even their love and their children could have made him happy. If his family couldn't make him happy, what could? He had often wondered. "You do know why I was like that?" He suddenly forced out, anxious of their response. Critter looked up from fiddling with the trim of the rug, Marcus stopped moving his carved toy around the floor and Aenor stopped staring into the fire. He didn't know what he'd do if they thought it was their fault. Cry, probably.
"Mama never said." Aenor answered, confused as to why her father had decided to bring this up now of all times. "Mama just told us it wasn't our fault." Of course she would. Ella knew on instinct what her children were thinking, or knew them well enough to guess, and would never have stood to the side had they believed they were to blame.
"Did you believe it was?" Critter sensed his father's tone, sensed his inner hurt and pain, and quickly interrupted his sister incase she confirmed his suspicions - knowing, despite it being the truth, that it was not what he needed to hear. The eight year old had inherited that exceptional intuition from his mother.
"No." The little boy replied, sounding very confident in the statement. "We knew you loved us, but we missed you a lot and when you came back it was like you didn't really..." For good measure he soon added hurriedly "but only for a little while!"
"I hope you never have to understand what was wrong." Kit informed his two treasures. "But, you need to know it wasn't your fault Papa acted like that." He knew he was talking to all of them like they were Marcus's age, that certain thing incredibly objectionable to Aenor, but he couldn't help it. "Papa saw some very sad, bad things when he was away and misses the friends he lost very, very much-"
"Bad men killed them, you should be angry." Marcus argued, forehead creasing. To this, Kit sighed with a regret that his advisors could not begin to fathom. The King proceeded to extend his arm out to his youngest, and Marcus moved into his lap without complaint, snuggling closer to his father's warmth on the cold autumn day.
"The trouble is, they weren't bad men." Kit schooled him, ruffling his hair affectionately and hugging him tighter. "They were just following orders, like they were told to do. No one understood that it's wrong, because everyone has done it for years beyond count."
"Just because it's what's done doesn't mean it's what should be done." Aenor murmured and Kit nodded in agreement.
"Your mother taught me that, which is why you should always listen to what she says." Obedience and conforming to social expectations was not always a perfect idea, but paying heed to Ella's words was a brilliant plan, one that would never result in death or hardship. "Mama's birthday is coming up soon." Kit proceeded to say, recalling now. "We should make sure she enjoys herself more than usual."
_
Hearing the word 'Mama' always had Ella turning about to find the source of the sound, even if the voice was not one of her children's. It was like a second name, now. So, when walking through the Royal Apartments to her rooms to dress for dinner, her ears picked up the word from across the complex of rooms. In the drawing room, by the fire, her family sat with sombre expressions and, not meaning to disturb, she remained behind the door, looking through the slightly open door. She knew it was not right, to eavesdrop, but the servants did it often enough - she had even caught some unlucky and curious attendants, generally new ones unaccustomed to her ability to move silently, in the act. Of course, they were only reprimanded and no severe punishment other than feeling insecure around the Queen for a fortnight or two passed was ever passed out.
When Critter jumped to the rescue to save his father's feelings, Ella knew he had gained the trait from her, just as he gained his looks from his father. Ella wasn't perfect, in that she would always lie if it meant someone felt better than they would otherwise or would look better in someones eye and while she often considered it a failing there was some cases when she trusted herself in it. And anyway, she believed deep down Kit knew Critter was trying to save his feelings. She just hoped her son wasn't as fluid in lying under other circumstances.
At the mention of her birthday, not wanting to ruin any surprise she might afford on the day, Ella hastened to open the door with a smile.
"Supper will be in an hour." She informed the children, looking pointedly at Marcus as he opened his mouth to object against the prospect of changing. Ella, herself, found constant wardrobe switches extravagant, but somethings were best followed and she raised her eyebrow questioningly when Marcus shut his mouth, but refused to stand. Kit didn't give him an option, hauling the young boy up as he stood. As the children filed out of the room, Ella turned to Kit. "They shouldn't always listen to me."
"How much did you hear?" Kit inquired with a small smile, pulling her into his arms.
"Enough." Was her vague reply, before meeting her husbands lips.