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Zayn didn't want to cheat.

    He genuinely didn't. They were married, they had three kids, sort of. They were in love and everything was perfect. Why would he cheat when he had a husband who adored him and was so beautiful millions of people around the world would kill to get a chance to do as little as kiss him? And yet there he was, cheating.

    It felt incredibly hypocritical since their last breakup was kickstarted by Zayn holding Harry drunkenly kissing a friend during a game against him, and the media made it into a full-fledged cheating scandal. Ten years, a marriage and three children later, Zayn was the one cheating and it wasn't just a drunken kiss.

    He didn't set out to just go about cheating on the love of his life. Because Zayn isn't stupid or heartless, he loves Harry despite the mess they've both unconsciously created. He's going to love him until the day he dies and he doesn't want to leave him. It's the last thing he wants to do. His love for Harry has burned brightly in his heart for so many years, it's unthinkable that he could fall out of it at any point in his life, for any reason. Harry is the one constant in his life, from the time when they were in a different country every day, young and wild, to now when their lives are more settled. Harry is at the centre of it like the sun of the solar system of Zayn's life. That is why he's hiding his indiscretions, because he can't bear Harry leaving. It would wreck him and he doesn't like to imagine how that would look.

    Zayn knows exactly the first time he thought about cheating, in their current relationship, titled take three, matrimony and two babies. Isla and Milo were about seven months old. Zayn was lying in bed, waiting for Harry to come back from their room after putting them to sleep. Truth be told, he was horny. They hadn't had sex for more than two months. It was ridiculous because not that long ago, they had rarely gone more than two days without sex. It wasn't anything to be ashamed of, they both enjoyed sex, they were good at it and they were both attractive as fuck so why not have sex? And then they had kids. Two infants in their house that they loved with all their hearts but those two little humans exhausted them to no end. The first few weeks, Zayn was too tired to initiate anything more than a lazy handjob in the shower here and there but after the twins got better at sleeping and he didn't feel like a zombie, he ached for more. They had sex a few times then, proper sex, but it wasn't nearly enough. Zayn is only human and there is his husband next to him, absolutely beautiful, promenading around shirtless and naked and yet... he couldn't really touch him, not like he wanted to anyway.

    So there he was, lying in bed, horny, waiting for his absolutely stunning husband to come back to bed after putting their adorable babies to bed. He was already thinking about it, how he wanted to take Harry apart, take good care of him so he wouldn't complain about getting tired. He got a semi just thinking about it. And then Harry walked in, wearing Nike shorts and an old band t-shirt with a tear near the collar, with his hair half up in a hair clip. Zayn thought he was the most beautiful man to ever walk this Earth.

    "They finally fell asleep," Harry sighed as he took his clothes off and chucked them into their walk-in closet. "I'm so exhausted. It's only gonna get worse I feel." He didn't even wait for Zayn to say anything and off he went to the en-suite bathroom. Zayn heard the toilet flush, the sink running, the brushing of a toothbrush against teeth and there was the love of his life once again in the bedroom, wearing nothing but a pair of briefs.

    "If it makes you feel any better, you're so sexy I could eat you whole," Zayn said, biting his lip. That usually worked on Harry. Now, he laughed.

    "Alright, well," he said and got into bed. "I know I'm sexy and I know what you're trying to do but the answer is no."

    "What am I trying to do?" Zayn asked, feigning ignorance as he scooted closer to Harry in the bed. "Am I trying to do something?"

    "Yes," Harry scoffed and looked at him. "I'm not having sex tonight."

    "Why not?" Zayn still tried to play it the nice way. He slid his hand to Harry's thigh underneath the duvet, stroking the delicate skin. "It's been so long, I swear to god my dick is gonna fall off."

    "It's not," Harry said, sternly. He took Zayn's hand off of his thigh and clutched it against his chest. "If my dick isn't going to fall off then yours isn't either."

    "How can you be so sure?" Zayn tried to tease Harry before placing a kiss on his chest. "You can't imagine how painful it is to lay next to you every night and not be able to make love to you."

    "Baby..." Harry said gently and put his free hand in Zayn's hair. "I'm not in the right mindset. The change in our family structure has been huge and I'm trying to cope with it. I don't think I can process so much happiness at once, or at least that's what my therapist says and I agree with her. I'm not used to having everything I want."

    "That just isn't true, you get everything you want."

    Harry shook his head. "Not for a very long time. We never get what we want."

    "So I can't fuck you tonight?"

    Harry frowned at him and let go of his hand and hair. "No, you can't fuck me. I'm not one of your groupies you can call up whenever your dick gets hard, I'm your fucking husband."

    "I'm sorry, babe, I was joking," Zayn said even though he wasn't quite joking. He did want to fuck him so badly he wanted to break his dick off so the desire would stop crushing his ribs from the inside of his chest.

    "Well, get better jokes," Harry snapped and turned to his side, and that was it.

    They were fine the next morning, Harry pretended like nothing happened and he snogged the daylights out of him against the kitchen island. But it got Zayn thinking. He still had contacts for his groupies. After he and Gigi broke it off, Zayn slept almost exclusively just with them. They were convenient and there was absolutely zero commitment necessary. He knew he only wanted Harry, he was just waiting for the right moment to try and get him back. It was a battle because with Lucrecia in the picture, it looked hopeless for him. With Charles there, Zayn wasn't relieved at all because he knew Harry had a soft spot for older attractive men, especially when they were obsessed with him like Charles seemed to be. But it all turned out just perfect and now Zayn was married to the love of his life and he wasn't frightened by it.

    But he was horny. Incredibly horny. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you need sex. It's not a basic human need but it's a fully natural human thing that's good for you. Some people like to hike, some prefer to meditate and well, Zayn prefers to have sex. It took him a couple of days until his finger was hovering over a message thread with one of his NYC girls. He was in London, she was on the other side of the Atlantic, a little sexting could be harmless, right? A nude here and there. That isn't technically cheating because they're not even in the same country and Zayn feels nothing for her.

    It went on like that for months. Sexting the girls here and there, a couple of FaceTime calls. He felt guilty, of course, he did, but the thrill and the pleasure he got from a mutual sexual exchange was worth it. He knows some people might find it ridiculous, to go behind their spouse's back for an orgasm. But he and Harry have a history. They've both done worse. Sure, they were young and dumb, vindictive and vicious about their love. There was a time when Zayn screamed at Harry, in the middle of one of their frequent fights, that Perrie was better in bed and then a few days later, Harry sent Zayn an entire two-minute video of him riding some man. He never found out who it was. This was the least of their cruelty because Zayn knows he's done worse, like kicking Harry out to his own room because he called some girls up, or not talking to him for two whole weeks while he was sleeping with a girl Harry was sort-of exes with. Zayn never told Harry about most of these but he feels like he knows, at least to an extent. Harry spread his own share of pettiness that he never felt compelled to explain, like flashing an attractive guy in a dozen sets of paparazzi photos after Zayn had left the band. He had brought him around before Zayn left and he knew it was to make him jealous because when Zayn asked Harry about it, he just said: "What, you can have a fiancée and I can't have a boyfriend?". They know how to hurt each other if they want to. This might've been years and years ago but their last breakup wasn't far from this level of pain either.

    Now, Zayn didn't want to hurt Harry. It was the last thing he wanted to do. He outgrew that, and Harry did too, much sooner than he himself did. Zayn loves him more than anything and that is why he seeks sexual gratification somewhere else. He knows himself and he knows what he needs to function. Harry leaves the kids with him or the nanny three times a week for three-hour long sessions with his personal trainer or various pilates classes. He needs that for his mental and physical health and Zayn won't tell him not to do it. And at the same time, Zayn needs to restart his brain with a good orgasm or he'll go mad. He would grow restless, start to pick fights with Harry and Gigi and everyone around, and no one needs that. So he does what he needs to do, to quite literally keep the peace in the family.

    The twins were a year and a half when Zayn actually had sex with one of his girls. It happened in New York, when he was in town for a bit to record a few things for his new album. He was drunk, he was out partying with friends and she was there and it happened. One thing led to another and there it was, he was in bed with a 23-year-old girl while his husband and their two adorable toddlers were halfway across the world. The strange thing is that he didn't even feel bad until midday the morning after, once he was alone again, and Harry sent him a photo of the twins watching something on the TV, sitting up like adults with Evie sitting between them, also sitting like a human. His soul collapsed upon seeing that and he deleted the girl's number, scrubbed himself in the shower and came home five days early.

    He wishes he could say that was the only time it happened but he would be lying. His conscience beat him up for maybe a week but then Harry started filming another movie and it's like he forgot Zayn existed. He never held Harry's career and slight workaholism against him but before Isla and Milo, his free time was allocated to Zayn. Now it all belonged to the kids. What pissed Zayn off, truly made him upset, was that Harry's friends didn't take the same hit he did. Harry went out for coffee with them or dinner quite often, he went to their weddings and dinner parties and birthday outings, he flew halfway across the globe for it sometimes. Zayn didn't get that. He might've been sleeping next to Harry every night but that's all they were doing and he absolutely despised the fact that they became worse than their own parents. Just talking about the kids and the house and their jobs.

    So Zayn didn't stop sleeping with those girls. Eventually, he stopped feeling bad about it too. He was surprised Harry didn't notice anything but how could he? He was probably too busy to notice Zayn wasn't even in the same country. He was spending more time with Amara than with Zayn himself. It was shitty, and ridiculous, even more so considering they still loved each other. Love was never a problem with them. They still cuddled at night, they kissed a lot, had sex every so often. Harry dragged him out to some of those dinner parties with friends, they went out with the kids, they told each other "I love you" multiple times a day. Yet in the middle of their love, if it was an iceberg, there would be a massive crack, hair-thin but ready to crack open with the slightest amount of excessive pressure.

    That pressure came the day before the twins' 2nd birthday party. Zayn was caught off guard. It was a lovely September day, he was sitting outside in the corner of the garden, under the big oak tree, smoking and scrolling through his phone, when Harry came out of the house. He had a bowl of freshly cut pineapple chunks in hand and he easily plopped down on the garden lounge chair next to Zayn. He even offered Zayn some pineapple, which he refused because cigarettes and fresh fruit don't really mesh well. And then came the flood.

    "You know, I had a very interesting meeting with my PR and fan engagement team a couple of weeks ago," Harry said, ever so casually, between munching on his pineapple.

    "Oh yeah?" Zayn asked, only half listening because he was replying to a text from Rick, his producer.

    "Oh yeah," Harry said and Zayn should've known something was wrong, should've taken note of the deadly calm tone of Harry's voice that was always a higher risk warning than when he was shouting. But he didn't and Harry continued speaking. "They alerted me that some fans on Twitter were having a rather interesting conversation. As you know, I've a team of people who keep an eye on why I'm trending, if I'm trending, what the fans are saying, what they want, what they like, what they don't. So, they saw that fans were saying some girls were fighting about sleeping with you. It didn't get too big but they saw it."

    Zayn froze, not exactly sure he was hearing this right. "Okay, well, I don't really care what your weird little fans are fighting about." He wasn't gonna admit it. Fuck no. He still had self-respect. You don't tell your spouse that you're cheating, not if you still love them and don't want to find your things, and yourself, kicked out on the curb.

    "Zayn, don't play dumb," Harry said, his voice level. "I know you've been cheating on me for months, at the very least. A year, I'd wager."

    What do you say to that? What do you tell the love of your life when you've been cheating for over a year and he finds out? Do you start explaining it away? Do you blame the love of your life that you can't imagine life without? What do you do?

    You don't do anything. You sit there and fucking take it.

    "You're not gonna say anything?" Harry asked. Zayn stayed silent. As if nothing was happening at all, Harry nodded and kept eating his pineapple. Then, he gutted Zayn like a pig at slaughter. "I know you think you're very smart and that I'm the dumber one out of the two of us. You always did and you're not gonna change that line of thinking, definitely not for me at least. But I'm really not stupid, Zayn. I wasn't when you were fucking me over constantly when we were young, I wasn't when you blamed our breakup on me almost fifteen fucking years ago and I'm certainly not stupid now. Are you really so arrogant to think that you concealed this bullshit? That I didn't see you were sexting girls and going on trips to New York all the time? You, travelling for work, when you don't even want to drive fifteen minutes to an interview so you do it on the phone. Either you're that narcissistic or just plain delusional. I don't know which is worse.

    "And I know you're probably wondering why I didn't say something sooner. I didn't because I honestly won't let you embarrass me like this. You already made a cheater and a drug addict out of me in the press once, I won't let you leave me when our children are only two years old. I won't let you wreck my life once again with your cock, that is the centre of your fucking universe and you don't care about me, you don't care about Amara and Gigi, you don't care about Milo and Isla. You only care about yourself and if your unobservant ass hadn't noticed, I won't entertain any of your bullshit anymore. I have been doing what is best for myself and my children, and I will continue doing that."

    "Then why don't you leave me? Why didn't you say anything sooner?" Zayn asked, defeated. He couldn't think, his brain was static because his card house of lies had fallen. Harry knew and there was no coming back.

    "Multiple reasons," Harry said, cold and detached. He's not like this even in business meetings. "Firstly, I can't leave you barely four years after we got married. That's embarrassing. Secondly, I first saw a text from one of your girls on your phone when Isla and Milo were barely a year old. I couldn't do it then. I was too busy with them and work, I didn't want to hurt them by shattering their home and their routine. And lastly, I know they don't mean anything to you. I know you've not fallen out of love with me. You're just a selfish slut. That's all. I knew this when I married you and I knew, even as I promised to spend the rest of my life with you, that this would fall apart one day. I didn't want to admit it to myself for a long time, and I pretended like nothing was wrong for a long time but... you're being too sloppy and if my fans are talking about it, it won't take long until I'm embarrassed by your nudes on the front page of The Sun and I refuse to let you humiliate me like that."

    Zayn is a fool. He knows that. He knew it when he asked: "Do you still love me?"

    Harry was quiet for a while, looking at him like a wild animal, measuring him up, unsure whether to fight or flight. "Yes," he replied at last, easy as breathing. "I do love you. I don't believe I can ever stop loving you. That is why I acted like everything was fine. I wasn't ready to let go of what we had, of that honest partnership. Knowing we were married, we had children together and yet you still couldn't stay faithful was too much to digest quickly. I talked to my therapist and it was very unhealthy to ignore it for as long as I did. So I have a proposition for you."

    Zayn would have agreed to jump off of the Empire State Building wearing a clown costume if Harry had asked it.

    "I know you're not going to stop doing this, you might for a while if I asked you but I have better things to do with my life than have sex with you whenever you ask," Harry said, his gaze at his bowl. Zayn knew this was a thing Harry's ego didn't take lightly. He wanted to throw up. "We'll be together, we'll try to act like normal and we're both free to sleep with other people. No feelings, no relationships, absolute secrecy. I won't have my dirty laundry in the tabloids."

    Zayn nodded, his spirit trampled. So this is what they got to? It was his own fault but he couldn't believe he was hearing it. Then he asked something he wasn't sure was a good thing to ask. He had no clue why he asked it but he did.

    "Have you slept with someone else?"

    Harry breathed out a laugh, his lips tilted in a smirk. "Yes," he said. Nothing more, nothing else.

    "Was it someone random? Or someone I know?" Zayn asked, stupidly so.

    "It's none of your business," Harry shook his head slightly. "Another rule: we're not gonna talk about this. I don't want to know, and you don't get to know."

    "That's fine with me," Zayn said quietly. "It makes sense."

    "It does, yes. If we want to keep this marriage afloat," Harry sighed. He looked around and stood up, towering over Zayn. "Oh, and next week, we're taking Isla and Milo to the launch of Alexa's baby clothes collection. You're not talking your way out of it, we need positive press. Especially if your girls won't fucking shut up about sucking your cock." And with that, off he went inside.

    That was only the beginning of the end.

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Harry knew he would get cheated on.

    It's quite a depressing realisation to live with when you have two children with your husband. It hurts even more considering you've loved that person for more than twenty years. But Harry knew Zayn, he knew him very well and despite years of being in a relationship, despite him actually getting therapy and getting better, he couldn't become a completely different person.

    Eight years, that's how long Zayn lasted without cheating. At least Harry thinks that's how long it was. He had the guts to start it when their babies were only a year old. Maybe not even that but that is when Harry saw the first text on Zayn's phone. The first few months, he ignored it. He figured it was just sexting and with how busy he was, he couldn't give a shit. As long as Zayn wasn't actually fucking anyone, Harry could turn a blind eye to it and enjoy his children growing up, learning their first words, and taking their first steps. Zayn's behaviour didn't change at all, but he did stop begging Harry for sex all the time, which wasn't the worst thing in the world.

    Harry didn't tell anyone but his therapist. After Edna retired, the year before he married Zayn, he started seeing Jane, who's also an academic and has been with her wife for forty years. He wanted to have a therapist who understood a same-sex marriage but he still preferred to have a female therapist since he responds to female authority figures better, probably because of being raised by a single mum for the better part of his childhood. So he did tell Jane that he knew for a fact Zayn was cheating. Perhaps the cheating was contained to the world wide web but it was still cheating. And strangely, he didn't feel compelled to confront him. He didn't want to lose him yet because he knew once they started fighting, it would bring about a rapid decline towards divorce and he didn't want that, not with two babies in the house. Jane warned him but she understood, and didn't at the same time because no one could possibly understand the convoluted relationship he and Zayn had. So on he went, in his little bubble of delusion.

    Of course, Harry isn't stupid, he never was. He knew sooner rather than later Zayn would graduate onto actually sleeping with people. And that is where Harry's patience was worn thin. He knew all it takes is one blurry photo from a club, one nude shared with the wrong person, wrong girl taken to a hotel and everything is on the cover of The Sun and a divorce lawyer will need to be called up. At first, Harry was furious. Quietly so, he didn't want to fight yet. He was filming a new movie, a total Oscar-bait prestige drama where he played a man who reconnected with his ex-wife after the death of his mother. There were more plot points about a current cheating girlfriend, a child that died at five years of age that brought about their divorce, a huge row with the mother, basically everything to get him to cry on screen or have a fight with someone. Harry knew Zayn had fucked someone that one time in New York when he returned home early. He acted like a kicked puppy that had been left in the rain for about a week. He treated Harry like he was made out of glass, cooked dinner every night that week, took poor old Evie to the vet, and took all the kids (and the nanny) to Disneyland in Paris. All the alarms in Harry's head set off, especially after taking Evie to the vet because there was nothing more Zayn hated than the vet (so did Evie and she made her opinions well-known) but he still didn't do anything. He turned his quiet anger into fuel for his performance in the film. Selfish? Probably. Psychotic? Maybe. But it did win him an Oscar so he can't complain too much.

    Harry always liked a bit of revenge, a bit of pettiness. Some of it certainly fuelled him fucking another man a couple of months after the first time Zayn fucked someone else. Harry wanted to throw his fucking Richard into Zayn's face when he confronted him about it but in the end, he didn't. All things and adultery considered, it was a lovely night. Harry hadn't set out to go cheat but he went to the opening night of Richard's new play on the West End and then he went to the party. One thing had led to another and Harry had his best sex of the past five years that night. Maybe Zayn was onto something with that whole cheating thing.

    The breaking point was people gossiping about Zayn's cheating online. That was when Harry was forced to truly face everything. His husband of four years, the man he's loved for more than twenty years, is cheating on him. Their children are about to turn two. And Harry started to cheat too. It would sound ridiculous if he told anyone. Even more so that Harry stopped being delusional about their relationship only once it was close to being exposed for the masses to consume. He couldn't bear being humiliated like that. And that is when he had to ask himself the question: does he care more about his public life or his private life? Zayn had been cheating for ages and Harry turned a blind eye to it... up until the point where his fans caught a whiff of it. He felt slightly manic because is he really that shallow? His divorce could be impending because of this and he cared about Twitter gossip more than his husband's betrayal?

    Harry had to seriously reconsider his life. He was angry. Angry at Zayn, angry at himself that he didn't stop this a year ago when Zayn was just sexting the girls. Where do they go from here? They can't break up, it would be impossible for the babies and Amara. Impossible for Harry's career. So Harry sat on it for a few weeks, battling with the decisions that needed to be made. He had a couple of weak moments. One night he cried in their walk-in closet when Zayn was putting Isla and Milo to bed, another time he smashed a plate against the wall when he was home alone and then got drunk while cleaning it, which led to him smashing Zayn's iPad, hiding the evidence and later telling Zayn he must've lost it. It was hard to reconcile this new reality with the life he thought was perfect. It was far from it but actually acknowledging their shortcomings, admitting out loud to each other that they've cheated... it changes everything.

    But it had to happen. Harry tried to think rationally. He knows plenty of couples who have open marriages. He's fucked plenty of people who are in open marriages or relationships. Why should he and Zayn be doomed to a divorce if these people aren't? The thing is that they still love each other. That love is never going to disappear, it's fully ingrained in their bones, in the very essence of their beings. Why should they sacrifice this love for some sex? Why shouldn't they have both?

    The day before Isla and Milo turned two, Harry had another weak moment. It was a quiet afternoon, London still summery for September, and Harry was flipping through the photo album of polaroids he had started putting together for the twins when they were born. He looked at loads of photos from their two years on this planet and it shattered his heart. He was in a lot of these photos, he and Zayn both in some of them too. It hurt, seeing all of this and knowing that Zayn was ready to risk losing it and for what? An orgasm? The knowledge that Harry had to do something about the rumours online didn't help. He was angry, he was genuinely furious that Zayn had put him in a situation like this. He didn't want to leave him but he didn't want him to keep getting away with it so easily.

    So, Harry confronted him, allowed him to fuck around as long as he could do the same and that was it. They barely spoke the next few days, Zayn struggled to look him in the eye, didn't even dare to try touching him and Harry found himself unsatisfied with the outcome. He wanted Zayn to feel bad, and he did, oh he must've felt like shit. But Harry didn't feel the best either. He missed him, even if they were sleeping in one bed, he missed his husband and he wasn't ready for their relationship to end.

    It was almost two weeks after the confrontation. Harry woke up before Zayn, which was usual. But the heartache Harry felt wasn't. He was lying next to the man he's loved nearly all his life and they could barely speak to each other. Harry did something he never thought he would, he gave into having an open marriage, all because he couldn't lose this man. He loved him, he loved him in a way that most people don't think is real and only exists in movies and books. They were being pulled apart by their own stupidity, their bond stretched so thin you could barely see it.

    Sex is an integral part of a relationship. Inadvisedly, he and Zayn had often built their relationships on it. Now, they were married, they were fathers, they loved each other and trusted each other and yet, once again it was sex that threatened it all. Someone who can only be classified as a human doormat would say Zayn's cheating is Harry's fault because he prioritised their children and his career over their sex life. But that's clearly bullshit. Harry knew it was his refusal to have sex all the time that had led to Zayn cheating on him but it was absolutely Zayn's fault that he couldn't contain himself and survive with infrequent sex with the love of his life. What else is there to do though? Harry really isn't stupid so he knew he couldn't try to get Zayn to stay faithful again and fix this and see a couples therapist and pretend like it never happened. Zayn has always been this way and Harry couldn't change it. He had tried, multiple times, and he had failed. In order to keep his marriage intact, or at least structurally sound, he had to sacrifice something and that something was monogamy. Harry wasn't the strictest monogamist in the worst, he had done his fair share of cheating before but wasn't marriage supposed to be different? It doesn't seem like it because two rings and a piece of paper can't change a person.

    Harry did something he has been doing for two decades now. He slowly started tracing Zayn's features, his cheekbone, the bridge of his nose, his lips. It woke Zayn up quickly and this time, instead of slowly smiling and pulling Harry into him, he looked like a deer in headlights.

    "Is everything alright?" Zayn asked, his eyes searching Harry's face for any signs of disaster.

    "Yes," Harry said even though nothing was fine, not in the true definition of the word. "I was just watching you."

    Zayn nodded a little. Harry had taken his hand away. Silence fell upon them.

    "You can talk to me, y'know," Harry said quietly. "I'm not going to bite you. I won't leave you."

    Zayn sighed, his chest rising and falling, his lips parted. "I don't understand."

    "I don't either," Harry replied simply, looking at his hand laying limply on the duvet. "I keep thinking about it, wondering how we got here," he looked at Zayn again. "I'm lying here next to you and I know we love each other, madly. I love you and I'm looking at you and I don't understand anything. In a way, I understand completely, but I can't understand how even love can't fix this."

    "I'm sorry," Zayn said, his emotionless face fit for a funeral. "I haven't said it yet but I truly am sorry. You know those girls don't mean anything to me. You're everything, Harry. Everything."

    "Not everything if you need them," Harry said. "But I can't lose you."

    "I can't lose you either," Zayn said and bravely, he took Harry's hand in his. "I don't know how to exist without you. We finally had everything we ever wanted and I fucked it up. I completely fucked it up."

    "We can still have it," Harry said quietly, enjoying the tender touch of Zayn's hand. "Like, people have open marriages. Sex is sex, it's not love. We just need to love each other, love our children like we always did. Most importantly, we need to trust each other that this arrangement won't go to shit. We need to stick to the rules and then we'll be fine. If I can trust you to have your heart, you can trust me too."

    Zayn nodded, staying silent for a long while. He squeezed Harry's hand and didn't break eye contact. "I know this is a huge sacrifice and I don't deserve this much... understanding, or leniency perhaps. I won't hurt you. I already did but I will never do something to break your renewed trust. You're the only person I ever loved, loved like one should be loved. It's stupid, how I gambled with our marriage. But... I'm far from perfect, H. I tried, I tried for years but some things... some things can't be changed, I guess."

    Harry didn't want to be an arsehole and tell him that things can absolutely be changed, especially a thing like not fucking cheating on your husband of five years. He didn't want to lose Zayn, not yet, so he had to bite his tongue.

    "Are you staying with me just because of the kids?" Zayn asked then.

    "No," Harry replied promptly because it was the truth. He's a child of divorce and he would have very much preferred if his parents had divorced when he was too young to remember it. "I love you, I'm not lying about it," Harry said. "I don't want to divorce you, even if we have to significantly change the structure of our marriage. I've loved you since I was nineteen, I'm forty and I still love you. I won't throw all those years away."

    "But I cheated on you," Zayn said and honest to god, Harry just wanted him to be quiet and never speak those words again.

    "Yes," Harry nodded. "And I did too. We're human, we're sexual beings, some people aren't made for monogamy maybe. Monogamy only started with the patriarchy when men wanted to control whose children women gave birth to." He didn't truly believe that, he liked the eight monogamous years he had with Zayn. But he would be lying if he said he wasn't still thinking about that night with Richard when he got off in the shower sometimes.

    Despite all of this, Harry did love Zayn. He couldn't ever erase it and he was happy with him. The last few weeks hadn't been that great, with the threat of all this getting exposed but outside of that... Harry would miss Zayn if they broke up. He'd miss his singing in the shower, the way he made decaf green tea for Harry in the evenings just the way he liked, with honey in his favourite cup. He would miss seeing him reading with Isla and carrying Milo around playing superheroes. Their life together is the foundation of their universe and destroying that would destroy them, their souls. If they keep their sex adventures far away from the house their children live in, they can exist with it. Anything to preserve the love that took twenty-odd years to cultivate.

    "I love you so fucking much," Zayn said, his thumb caressing the back of Harry's hand. "I can't wait till one day we're finally living in the middle of nowhere together, just you and me, sitting somewhere on a porch drinking Scotch and we'll laugh over all this."

    Harry couldn't help himself but smile. The idea of growing old together... it was no longer a pipe dream but something that was expected of them. They were married, till death do us part, right?

    "Will we replace the kids with a menagerie once they go off to uni?" Harry asked and he laid his head down on Zayn's chest. "You know I'd love to have chickens. Maybe we could even handle a goat."

    "Anything you want," Zayn said and he wrapped his arms around Harry. At that moment, the embrace felt like a homecoming. "I'd like a dog again. We should get one now."

    "Absolutely not," Harry scoffed, scooting closer to Zayn. "We have two two-year-olds, I know you won't be walking that dog and I won't either."

    "You could take the dog on your runs."

    "I don't go running four times a day now, do I?"

    "Fine," Zayn relented and kissed the top of Harry's head. All the unsavoury details of their marriage had been forgotten in a split second by the sheer power of delusion. "But we'll get one when we have that menagerie."

    "We'll see. I make no promises."

    They lay there together for a good while, not speaking, just touching, listening to the pattern of their breathing. Being able to exist in comfortable silence with someone is a rare thing and takes a lot of trust, a lot of love often too. The silence allowed the space for daydreams too, for a total denial of reality, for mild delusion because laying there together, holding each other, they could pretend like they didn't just agree to having an open marriage, like Zayn hadn't been cheating for a year before Harry confronted him and went behind his back too. In silence, they could be together without difficulties, they could be a normal married couple with two toddlers peacefully sleeping in the room next door and not worry about the very real threat that in a year, most of their conversations will include lawyers.

    Zayn ended up falling asleep again. Harry could tell simply by the way his breath had evened out. He decided to get out of bed not long after that but before doing so, he sat on the bed and watched Zayn for a few minutes. He was still as beautiful as when they were young and falling in love for the first time. Not long ago, Harry's heart had used to ache when looking at Zayn like this. Harry loved watching him sleep, loved knowing Zayn was his and that they shared their lives in the most intimate ways there are. That fierceness was gone now, depressingly so. Harry didn't think it was the cheating, it was just the last straw that he could take. It was incredibly fucked up, slowly falling out of love with the person you've wanted your entire life. As if the moment they were truly happy together, married with kids, something they had wanted all along, the discontent set in. It was as if nothing was enough. Like a child getting tired of a toy after a week when it spent months begging for it.

    The tenderness of their love was not gone yet, which was reassuring that deciding to weather through infidelity had been a good decision. Harry left a kiss on Zayn's cheekbone before he got out of bed to check on the twins. Nothing was perfect and what they had would have to do. It was enough for now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zayn remembers exactly when he fell in love with Harry.

    He wasn't even twenty-one. It was Christmas, he was at home, in a bedroom that wasn't his childhood bedroom but a blank room in the big new house he bought his family. He didn't need the nostalgia, not when his mum now had a massive kitchen and everyone had their own bedroom and more. But it was Christmas Eve, everyone had gone to bed already and Zayn was playing on his phone when he got a text from Harry, a simple Christmas wish with a heart emoji. Zayn's very real heart missed a beat and he couldn't tell why. He couldn't stop smiling as he replied, and they chatted for a bit about being home and not knowing what to do with all the free time, which was in total only about two weeks but with their usual schedules, it felt like forever. When Harry suggested they should call each other on Skype, Zayn got his laptop from his bag at record speed.

    And it was then, during that late-night Christmas Skype call when Zayn realised he was in love with Harry. They had been sleeping together from time to time for more than a year at that point and Zayn really liked Harry, the most out of all his bandmates. They were the closest out of all the boys but fans didn't really catch onto it because they weren't flaunting their friendship, they didn't need it and they preferred to hang out without everyone snooping around anyway. Even with the sex, Zayn hadn't thought about love at all. They were friends, helping each other relieve some sexual tension without having to worry about finding people to have sex with. Yes, they were attracted to each other but that was it, love wasn't the next step for them. Until now.

    Zayn's heart started beating fast, as if he was about to have a panic attack, when he realised that he was in love with Harry while watching him talk animatedly about Anne's cats and Zayn was entranced as if Harry was explaining how outer space works or something. He feared Harry would look at him and expose his feelings right away because were they allowed? Did Harry feel even remotely the same? It was a scary realisation but not an unwelcome one. He was listening to Harry speak and he wanted to taste his smile and play with his hair and shag him to oblivion and cook him breakfast and get a dog together and go to Tenerife on holiday and he wanted everything.

    It wasn't until about two hours after their call as Zayn was trying to fall asleep that he remembered Perrie. His fiancée. The woman he had asked to marry just that summer. It felt like he got electrified. What was wrong with him? He had a hall pass basically, for tour, in terms of sex and she did too. They understood the boundaries but Zayn's stupid heart apparently didn't. After Christmas, he would go home to London to the house he shared with Perrie and what? Pretend like nothing happened? Like he's not in love with his fucking bandmate? It was a nightmare.

    He's not proud of how he handled his relationship with Perrie and whatever he had with Harry concurrently. He strung along both of them and then left Harry without a warning when he left the band. He doesn't understand, to this day, how Harry was able to forgive him for everything. Love is that powerful, probably and you're willing to do a lot for the person you love.

    Zayn knew it took him a long time to quite literally get his shit together. He wasn't the best partner when he and Harry finally started dating like normal people all those years ago. He was committed to Harry, of course, he was but he still wasn't fully connected to his adult self. He wasn't sure what he wanted and he worked a lot, then he started hating it even more than he had in the band, and over the years he realised he's the happiest when he's not in the spotlight. He realised it only after he and Harry had broken up, and Amara came at the right time. She changed his life, even if it might be a cliche to say that. He loved Gigi, but he still loved Harry more and he knew he had to get him back and he did. And he was faithful for eight years before he let the worse parts of his personality come through again.

    It was Christmas Eve, twenty-one years after Zayn had realised he was in love with Harry and the feelings weren't going anywhere. Gigi had Amara that Christmas so it was just the four of them. Zayn was holding Milo in his lap, who was already quite sleepy and he was playing with his big dinosaur plushie. They let the kids open one present after dinner on Christmas Eve and this was the first year when Isla and Milo weren't complete babies. Isla was standing by the Christmas tree with Harry, who had been trying to get her to decide on a present she wanted to open for about ten minutes already.

    "Okay, baby, which was the thing you wanted Santa to bring you the most?" Harry tried to guide her because he saw Milo was nearly asleep.

    "I wanted Evie to come back from heaven," Isla replied.

    Harry signed and sat down on the carpet by the presents and pulled Isla into him. They were completely in their own little world, like Zayn and Milo weren't on the couch just two metres away from them. "Sweetheart, it's impossible. Evie had to go, I'm afraid," he said and smoothed Isla's hair. "You know she was very, very old and it was her time to leave us. But in a few months, Evie can send you and Milo some new friends who will take care of you instead of her, would you like that?"

    Isla just shook her head and put her thumb in her mouth.

    Harry didn't sigh again but he hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head. "I know you're very, very sad, Isla. But remember that every day, Evie still thinks about you and the tasty treats you always gave her. I miss her too, Milo and baba also miss her. Your grandma misses her too. Cats don't spend as much time here as humans and Evie was a very very old lady who had to go rest up in heaven. Now... I talked to Santa, he's a very good friend of mine, and he told me you asked for something very special." That captured Isla's attention at last. She was hanging onto every word that left Harry's mouth. He took one of the presents, a rectangular box that Zayn knew was hiding a little play keyboard. "So, Santa made sure to get you this. And something else too but you'll get to open it all tomorrow morning."

    Isla did less of the unwrapping than Harry, understandably and she gasped when she saw the little piano. "Do you like it?" Harry asked her as her little hands were already hitting the keys left and right. "This isn't a proper piano like the one baba and I play but you're still too little for that one. You can start here, and when you're bigger, I'll teach you on the big one in the living room, okay, baby?"

    "I love it!" Isla squealed and off she went playing.

    Milo slowly dozed off and Zayn was watching Harry and Isla try to play something coherent on the tiny keys. Isla had recently gained a liking for music, which was a part of her whole "trying to be like daddy" thing. Zayn tried not to be offended, she was just two and a bit after all. Harry completely played into it and let Isla wreak havoc on his home studio a few times. The keyboard was just one of a series of gifts that made up a set of various instruments for her and a custom lightweight microphone and a stand he had made for her (that didn't actually work as a microphone should but no one was going to tell Isla that). Watching Harry play with Isla was only solidifying the love Zayn had for him. It was completely immovable and nothing could erase it. They've hurt each other so much other people would've sworn to never talk to each other again and yet here they were, the happiest they've ever been, enjoying the holidays with their children.

    Harry was twenty-one years older than when Zayn had first fallen in love with him but he was even more beautiful than then, Zayn thought. His hair was long, after many many years, and even if it was for a film role, Zayn enjoyed it. Sometimes it reminded him of that last year in the band, the one that was so bad he had been trying to forget it for twenty years, the one where they had hurt each other the worst, but Harry was too stunning to let these thoughts win. His face reflected his age but he still remained youthful in a way, and the age disappeared to Zayn anytime he smiled. The past year, he hadn't been giving a lot of those knee-buckling smiles to Zayn but Isla and Milo always received an abundance. Zayn's heart still missed a beat whenever Harry smiled like that and he knew, he knew deep in his soul, that he wanted that feeling to last forever.

    Their lives were near perfect and Zayn found himself thinking about their future, when they could forget about their careers and live out their years somewhere in a cottage or on a farm in the countryside, just the two of them. They were sitting on the couch watching the fire burn in the fireplace after they had put the kids to bed, two glasses of red wine on the table. Harry had his head in Zayn's lap, loosened up with the wine enough that he didn't mind Zayn playing with his hair.

    "D'you know that our children are gonna be nepotism babies?" Harry mumbled, his eyes closed already. "I can't believe it. Isla is getting a custom-made instrument set at the age of two. She can't count to twenty yet and here she is getting better musical instruments than most struggling young musicians have. We're monsters."

    "Talk for yourself, babe, I didn't get her a specially made microphone and a stand with rhinestones on it," Zayn chuckled. It made Harry smile and crack open an eye to look at him. "Fine, I take all the blame," Harry said. "I'll make her perform in pubs and at shitty weddings if she decides to be serious about music one day."

    "I'll remind you that in fifteen years."

    "Fuck off," Harry blindly smacked at Zayn's head. "You know, Amara asked for a pool-themed birthday party for her 13th next month."

    "Oh, did she?"

    "Yep," Harry nodded slightly. "I haven't spoken to Gigi yet and I'm dreading it."

    "You don't have to do it, love," Zayn said, his hand caressing Harry's jawline. "Amara won't be mad if it can't happen. It's January, not exactly swimming season."

    "I already promised her," Harry groaned. "I know it was stupid but she asked about it at her latest swim meet at school, her friends were around, the coach was around and she suggested we can have it at the school's pool if I make a small donation to the school. And guess what I did? Wrote the check that same day. But don't you dare tell Gigi that, I'll pretend like none of this ever took place. At the same time, I can't take my word back. The donation would look stupid too."

    "You need to stop caring about what people might think about whatever you do, H," Zayn said. "It doesn't matter. As long as everything's alright with the people you care about, then that's it."

    "I just don't want to disappoint Amara," Harry huffed and sat up. "We haven't been spending much time with her lately because of Isla and Milo and I feel terrible. I don't want her to think we've abandoned her for the babies. You know how worried she was when Gigi had a baby."

    "She's not five anymore, she understands these things better."

    "Alright, fine," Harry rolled his eyes. "I still want to do this one thing for her. I'm starting to shoot the new film in February so I won't have much time to see her for months."

    "Do you know when you'll be done yet?"

    "Yes, the beginning of June hopefully," Harry replied and leaned into Zayn's side, resting his head on Zayn's shoulder. Their casual intimacy has taken a significant hit since their open marriage agreement. It ate away at Zayn, knowing he was mostly responsible for it. Then it was the knowledge that he wasn't the only one stepping out on their marriage too. Harry had always been more sneaky than Zayn, so he didn't know exactly when Harry saw other people but sometimes he could tell. Zayn couldn't tell by the disruptions and irregularities in Harry's schedule because there hadn't been any at all. There had been a mark once, a small love bite that had been nearly invisible thanks to Harry's laurel tattoos but it was only once. Another time was when Harry had been complaining about having sore muscles on his thighs and Zayn had made a remark about his personal trainer having a vendetta against him. To that, Harry had simply replied: "I didn't go to the gym yesterday" and that had been the end of it. 

Zayn kind of hated that Harry knew more about how he got sex outside of their marriage than he knew about what Harry was doing. It was undeniable that Zayn was a creature of habit. He stuck to groupies, usually women in their 20s who were easy and they didn't want anything out of him. But Zayn had no fucking clue who Harry was fucking. Was it random people? Were they his friends? Was it one person or multiple? A man or a woman? Was there intimacy and tenderness or was it passionless and cold? Zayn didn't know and he was never gonna find out if he knew anything about who Harry was as a person.

"So you have the summer off?" Zayn asked, relishing in the feeling of Harry against him. He wrapped an arm around his waist and hoped for it to last forever

"Yes, I do but I'm eyeing another project for September," Harry replied. He leaned into Zayn more, turning his body so he could sling an arm around his middle.

"Don't you ever want to take a break?" Zayn asked and wrapped one of his curls around his finger.

Harry shook his head. "No, I'll take a break when I'm old and decrepit. The twins will be at the nursery for the better part of the day anyway, I won't sit around the house like some housewife."

"I wanted to record in the summer," Zayn mumbled quietly. He didn't want to leave if Harry and the kids would be at home.

"I'm not keeping you from it," Harry replied. "It's months away, we'll see what happens, don't worry about it now."

"But then we won't be together at all," Zayn said, his voice smaller than he'd like. "You're gonna be working until June, then I'll record, and then you're gonna film again."

"Zayn," Harry sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I have had a studio in this very house we're in for like twenty years. You can record without opening the front door. I'm not forcing you to record in LA or New York."

"I don't fuck with your creative process, why should I record here?" Zayn frowned. "The house is a disruptive environment and you said you don't want all of my producers staying at our house when the children are here. We're all staying together when I record in America. You do that too with Tom and whoever else."

"Yes, but Tom is my close friend that I've worked with for almost as long as I've known you who also has a family and doesn't want to work for a week straight while high all the time," Harry snapped and sat up. "You work with men who don't have relationships outside of groupies half their age and they can't work without a cloud of weed hanging around them. Sorry I don't want that around our two-year-old children. I haven't toured in two years because of Isla and Milo, I've sacrificed things I love for them because I love my kids more than I love anything else. Maybe you should take some fucking notes."

"Can we not fight on Christmas at least," Zayn sighed. He wanted to reach out to Harry and have him pressed against his body again but he knew touching him now would be more dangerous than petting a feral cat. "I know, babe. And I promise I'll try to work my schedule around so we can spend as much time together as we can. I'll be here with Milo and Isla anyway, I just wanted to spend time with you as well."

    Harry nodded slowly, his eyes scanning Zayn's face. "I get what you're saying. We're not fighting right now, we're talking. We're too old for this shit, Zayn. I've already been moving my schedule around for Amara for like ten years, I expect you to do the same for our children even if they're not biologically related to you."

    "And what do you think I've been doing?" Zayn scoffed. "I've been leaving Amara with Gigi for way more time than I'd like because of Isla and Milo? Why is nothing ever enough for you?"

    "That's not what I meant," Harry said quietly. "I just want us to be able to make compromises. I've let the integrity of our marriage go for the sake of staying together, the least you could do for me is let me work and not be hell-bent on trying to make our schedules clash."

    "Are you going to bring up our open marriage in every single fight we're going to have for the rest of our lives?" Zayn spat out the words at him. Every single time anything went wrong, Harry brought this up. It could've been something as menial as Zayn forgetting to open a window when he smoked in the study but Harry always found a way to bring up his heroic sacrifice. As if he wasn't fucking around as well. As if he was a saint who had never cheated on anyone in his life.

    "Maybe I'll just pack Isla and Milo up and leave you to whore the rest of your life away," Harry said through his teeth and he was already on his feet, leaving the room. But he turned around, his eyes angry. "Actually, this is my house. So you'll have to do the leaving. It doesn't seem like you really want to be here anyway so why should I keep you? Why should I force you to do something you don't want to? Wasn't it right next door in the kitchen where you once told me I bullied you into proposing to me? Perhaps I never learned my lesson and I was successful at forcing you to marry me on the second try."

    Zayn wanted to scream. Just scream at the top of his lungs because how could this be his fucking life? How could he be so close to losing the love of his life? How could Harry be so blind to all the love Zayn had for him? "Why didn't you break up with me?" Zayn asked, more calmly than he had anticipated considering the rage swirling in his chest. "Why did you agree to this arrangement? You're taking advantage of it too."

    "Because I love you!" Harry shouted, quickly realising the late hour as he composed himself. "I still love you and I didn't want to ruin Isla and Milo's childhood right out of the gate. I'm not raising them alone, you're in this with me. I just want you to help me save our marriage. That's all. And I'm sleeping with other people because I can't bear the thought of you doing that and me waiting here until you come back fucked out like the universe revolves around you. It doesn't. I've lived without you, I've loved without you and I won't let you torture me with cheating. Because when it's only you doing it, that is what it is, cheating. If we're both doing it, it's an agreement."

    "I don't know what else to do to prove to you that I love you more than anything in the world," Zayn shook his head and stood up, trying to be level with Harry. "I fucked up but this is sadly who I am at my core. It has nothing to do with me not loving you. Nothing at all. I would kill for you, I would steal and lie for you, I'd do anything and if you don't believe me at this point, then I don't know."

    "How can I believe you if you were cheating on me for a year until I finally confronted you?" Harry asked, his expression pained. "I'm trying to believe you, I'm trying to trust you but you've been acting like nothing at all happened ever since September. Like we didn't agree to fuck other people, like I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to completely check out and leave."

    "I'm not going to do that," Zayn said resolutely. "I will never leave you, Harry. Never. Unless you leave me, I'm not going anywhere and I am completely devoted to you and our family. I'm here, I'm not leaving and I promise you I will try to do better."

    Harry looked at Zayn for a long while, his face unreadable, the remnants of the anguish on his face tinting his features. Zayn was starting to get terrified that this was the last straw, that this really was the end. But then Harry did something Zayn never would've guessed he would do. He kissed him. He grasped his cheeks and captured his lips in a decisive open-mouthed kiss. Zayn didn't hesitate to kiss Harry back because it was rare he ever initiated any intimacy between them, at least since their open marriage agreement. He wasn't going to act all high and mighty like he was too good to end a fight with sex.

    That night, they made love for the last time ever. They had sex after that, but they never made love again. Zayn changed his recording schedule and moved some things to London but it was never gonna be enough. Their fate had been written a long time before they made any attempts to try and change it. So they had that one night when their I-love-you's still meant something, when Zayn didn't feel like Harry was a million miles away even as their bodies were joined together. They made love on Christmas Eve, in the house that had seen their three attempts at love over the course of more than twenty years, with their children peacefully sleeping down the hall and gifts underneath that Christmas tree waiting to be opened in the morning. They were saying goodbye but they didn't know it yet. Many years later they would wonder if that night should've been the turning point, if it should've been a wake-up call. But one can never turn back time and no one can predict the future either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry remembers exactly when he fell out of love with Zayn.

    It was February, month five of their open marriage arrangement. February 13th to be exact. Harry had a night shoot that day so he fed Isla and Milo their dinner before going to set. Zayn came from the studio late, as he often did when he actually went out to record or write. Harry wasn't in the best mood and now he was going to be running late because of Zayn.

    "You know I have work, right," Harry remarked when Zayn finally turned up in the kitchen as he was rinsing the dishes. "I told you to be home by 4:30."

    "I'm sorry sweetheart, we started writing this one song, it's so sick, you're gonna love it," Zayn said and kissed Harry's cheek. "How are the babies?"

    "Good, they're watching Peppa Pig," Harry replied and dried his hands. "Amara called me, she's coming over tomorrow, she's gonna stay for a week or two but I have work tomorrow so you'll either pick her up or I'll arrange a car for her."

    "I'll call her and I'll be here, don't worry," Zayn said. "But it's Valentine's Day, I thought we'd do something together. We haven't had a date night in months."

    "I'm working," Harry said simply because he had told Zayn about a million times. His schedule, down to every hour, is comprehensively explained in their joint Outlook calendar. "We're shooting from 2pm till 7pm, if we're lucky. We're moving to the studios for now, I've told you about this. And we haven't properly seen Amara since her birthday last month."

    "Okay, fine," Zayn signed and put his hands up. "I'm getting you flowers anyway. Will you eat refined sugar?"

    "Yes, I'll eat refined sugar," Harry said and kept himself from rolling his eyes. He looked at the clock on the wall and he knew he had to rush. "'I'll see you in the morning." He pecked Zayn's cheek before he went to hug the kids and off he went.

    On the drive to the set, Harry came to a terribly depressing realisation: he wasn't in love with his husband anymore. A couple of years ago, he would have blushed and he would've felt warm all over if Zayn said he was getting him flowers. He would've been giddy at the prospect of doing something extra for Valentine's Day or having a proper date night. He remembered their trip to the coast once, when Zayn had surprised Harry by booking a place for the weekend and he had told him about his intention for them to get married. Harry had been reluctant but it hadn't been due to a lack of love because the sex they had had that night was something that still made Harry's heart clench whenever he remembered it. Harry had been catastrophically in love with Zayn and now nearly all of it was gone.

    Harry still did love Zayn and he was aware that he would forever love him. That love had been nourished and cultivated for twenty-two years, it can't disappear. They've been raising children together and that bonds two people in a very unique way. Harry still felt fond of Zayn, he still felt comfortable around him. They shared a life and that could never be erased. At the same time, Harry knew he wasn't in love with Zayn anymore. He didn't feel passionate about kissing him and having sex with him, he didn't care about the prospect of doing anything romantic together and most crucially, Harry dreaded spending the rest of their lives together. He didn't hate his life. He got on alright with Zayn but if he imagined doing that for forty or so more years... he wanted to flee.

    As he sat in his car, navigating the awful London traffic, he knew from that moment on, their marriage had an expiration date. He wasn't sure when exactly the day would come but he knew his and Zayn's marriage had run its course. It was almost unthinkable, to want to give up the person Harry had wanted all his life. He had sabotaged every single romantic relationship he ever had for Zayn. He had been willing to wreck himself only to get Zayn back. There had been times when Harry's love for him had been so fierce it nearly made him sick. And now Harry wanted to leave him.

    It was so twisted that he came to that realisation in the same room where they had once broken their engagement. He wondered if they should have gotten married then. They would have divorced by the time they were 32 and a decade of anguish could have been spared. It would have been better for everyone. Harry was 41 now and had three children to explain divorce to. But firstly, he would need to tell Zayn.

    Harry used to be terrified of divorce. He feared that he would feel like a failure, that his reputation would be damaged, that people around him would be telling him that they always knew he and Zayn were doomed to fail. Now he didn't care. It took him only five months to realise he could never live with the arrangement of open marriage. It was perhaps a little hypocritical considering how many people who were in open marriages Harry had slept with but... this was his marriage, what worked for other people didn't have to work for him. And an open marriage didn't work for him. Harry trusted Zayn but at the same time, he didn't. He loved him but he didn't at the very same time. It was a confusing concoction of emotions to navigate and it took him a lot of sleepless nights spent overthinking and passionless fucks with random people where he tried to convince himself that he could do this, that he liked it, to finally accept that he couldn't do this.

    He had a few options. Tell Zayn to stop, that he's taking his word back or leave him. The first option would end up with them in couples therapy for years, fighting and eventually breaking up. The second option hurt but they could end it while they still had love for one another and could find happiness within their family. The most heartbreaking thing about this was that Harry knew Zayn was the love of his life. He knew he would never love someone like this again, he wouldn't ever wreck his life for someone again. He had his great love affair that spanned over two decades and it had reached its end. Very few people stay with the love of their life forever, not everyone is accosted that privilege. So now, Harry had to have a lot of difficult conversations with many different people but he needed to free himself from this anguish.

    In September, Harry had thought he could do this. Zayn had been cheating for a year and he survived okay. Now he let him do this and he was sleeping with other people too, it should've been fine and their marriage should've remained intact. Except it didn't. It was ruined, rotting like the foundation of a wooden cabin, ready to collapse the moment a strong gust of wind came around. Harry was sleeping next to Zayn but he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that there were other people laying in bed with them and they let that happen. The intimacy of their marriage had been decimated and nothing could repair it. Granted, Harry had consented to it. It was his idea to have an open marriage. But he hadn't been the one to start cheating. The agreement had been a quick fix, something that was bound to only ever be a raincheck on their divorce but he had tried to ignore it for more than a year. He couldn't keep running from it anymore.

    Harry wasn't cruel. He was a lot of things but he wasn't cruel. Yet he knew it was far from kind when he decided he wasn't going to tell Zayn for a few more months. They already had an open marriage, they had a respite from the constraints of matrimony. Isla and Milo were two and a half, he was busy, Zayn was busy - a divorce wasn't something they needed. Plus, Harry always liked to properly weigh his decisions. He liked logic, he liked planning and that is the approach he chose for his divorce too. There was a chance these feelings were a fluke and they would remain together, wasn't there? It was wiser to sit on it.

    What didn't help the case for keeping their marriage alive was that Harry's heart was already straying. While it was only his dick straying from the path of matrimony, it was all fine but once his heart got involved... the prognosis for his and Zayn's marriage got worse, critically so. Harry had always been capable of loving other people while loving Zayn as well. It used to be the default. In the band, Zayn had always been there, somewhere in the background as Harry pursued other relationships. After Zayn had left the band, Harry fell in love with someone else again. He had been close to falling in love twice during that time. Then he had Zayn for himself for a couple of years and then he had fallen in love with Lucrecia, and then he had been with Charles, who he did have some feelings for too. Now Harry still loved Zayn, even if he wasn't in love with him anymore, at the same time as he could feel himself falling for someone new.

    Strangely enough, the first person who heard about his plans was Lucrecia. After their relationship, they remained close friends. Luc was happily married, had another child and was a great friend to Harry regardless of their past. Harry got lucky at the end of February because Luc was in London for work. She was really busy but they managed to meet up for dinner. Harry knew what he wanted to talk to her about so he purposely booked them a private salon at one of his favourite restaurants in Mayfair. Luc joked that he was about to bring a hitman to kill her but the conversation he wanted to have was probably worse than that.

    "I need to talk to you about something," Harry said after they had their desserts and another bottle of wine delivered. He let them enjoy their meals and catch up on normal things like their kids and their work without this mammoth of a topic ruining everything.

    "Oh, I don't like the sound of this," Luc shook her head. "I hope this is a covert business meeting rather than anything else."

    "Well... it would be, sort of, if you were a divorce lawyer," Harry sighed. He couldn't look her in the eye. Not after everything.

    Luc was silent for a second. "No way," she said. "You're getting a divorce? You?"

    "Yes," Harry nodded slowly. "I mean, I'm not there yet. I haven't even told Zayn. You're the first person who knows."

    Luc frowned and started shaking her head. "Why the fuck are you telling me first? Out of all people?"

    "I don't know," Harry said honestly, shrugging. "I trust you. Most of my other friends know too much about the mess Zayn and I have been in for the past twenty-odd years. I kind of... I don't know, I feel like a failure and you dated me, you know I'm not terrible."

    "You're not a failure for wanting to get a divorce, hun," Luc said sympathetically. "It's just... unthinkable that you want to leave someone you loved for so many years and basically moved mountains for. What changed?"

    "He cheated," Harry revealed because it was the truth. "He cheated when the twins were, I don't know, maybe a year old? And he kept it up for a year until I confronted him at last. I knew the whole time, but I thought staying blissfully ignorant of reality was better than confrontation. And then I proposed we have an open marriage and that's what has been going on for more than half a year now but I can't do it anymore."

    "Shit," Luc said, her voice small. She looked at Harry with clear pity in her eyes and this is what he had been dreading the most about telling people. He doesn't need pity, he brought this upon himself. "I'm so sorry, H. I really am, I never would've said Zayn would do this to you."

    "I would've," Harry remarked, depressingly enough. "I just thought... that we'd be okay with an open marriage because the love was still there. We have kids. We've known each other for more than half of our lives. I don't want to throw this all away but I can't keep on going like this."

    "That's understandable," Luc nodded. She took a long gulp of her red wine. "I'm here for you, as I always am. You'll get through this, you're one of the strongest people I know."

    "Thank you, Luc, I really do appreciate having you in my life," Harry said earnestly. "But there's one more thing I wanted to talk about."

    "Now I hope that's a business proposition."

    "No," Harry chuckled. "I met someone."

    "Oh... of course, you did," Luc laughed and started eating her dessert. "I should've known there was someone else who would wake you up from that mess, otherwise you'd let Zayn walk all over you again for like five years."

    "That's decidedly not true."

    "Yes, it is and stop arguing. Who is it?"

    Harry signed deeply. "Leopold Nichols. Do you know him?"

    "Huh... that screenwriter?" Luc furrowed her brows. "I thought he was engaged. To that actor, what's his face?"

    "They broke up like three years ago," Harry said. "I've known Leo casually for a couple of years, he's friends with some of my friends. But last autumn, we hooked up two times and last month, we reconnected at a dinner I had with some castmates from the film I'm working on right now and I don't know... we just clicked, I really enjoy his company and he's just such a joy to be around? When we first hooked up, it was at an industry thing and we spent the whole night talking and then I invited him to my house and he refused at first because he doesn't want to be complicit in cheating like... I had to literally negotiate with him to get him to come home with me. I never knew having strong morals could turn me on like that while I'm technically cheating on my husband."

    Luc snorted. "Modern-day fairytales are crazy."

    And running into Leo again did feel like a fairytale to an extent. The first time they slept together was at the end of October, and Harry was truly enchanted. He hadn't spent much time with Leo before, he wasn't sure if they even had had a conversation, just the two of them. But at that event, they were both looking for a familiar friendly face and they ended up finding one another. The night trickled away like a stream rushing with after-rain water. They laughed, they talked about their work, Leo talked about the director that was making the movie Harry was filming, they talked about their own creative projects and it was so easy, so simple. No pretence, no need to impress, they were themselves and thoroughly enjoyed the time.

    Harry had been reluctant to get his hookups in very public places even though he was sure Zayn didn't have the same reservations about open marriage etiquette. Leo however, was pulling Harry in and all he wanted to do was kiss him. It took quite a bit of persuading because Leo was reluctant, he truly didn't want to participate in someone's extra-marital affairs but he relented after Harry assured him this was alright, that he and Zayn had an arrangement. And Harry was sure it was because Leo was just as hungry for him and couldn't wait until they didn't have dozens of people mingling around their table.

    It was reckless to take him to his house, Harry knew that. But he also hadn't been expecting to come back with someone else and had the nanny hired until 1AM at the latest. Zayn was in New York again, probably doing the same thing Harry was so he didn't feel particularly bad. The nanny was a bit perplexed, but Harry is nothing if not a smooth liar and he said Leo was his friend who was always meant to stay over because they hadn't seen each other in a long time. Isla and Milo were sound asleep, the baby monitor was turned on and Harry enjoyed a spectacular night of sex with a very attractive man.

    In the morning, Harry had woken up before Leo and continued on with his usual routine. It was the weekend so the kids didn't have nursery, there was no need to rush or to kick Leo out of the house. Sometime later, Harry was feeding the twins in the kitchen when Leo came down. And completely effortlessly, he joined their nonsensical toddler discussions and kept up with all the references to various TV shows and movies. He had breakfast with Harry when Milo and Isla were already in their playroom and of course, Harry asked Leo how he was so good with kids and he just shrugged and started talking about all the nieces and nephews he has, courtesy of his three siblings. Needless to say, Harry was enchanted.

    They met up once more a week later, at Leo's flat and then he was off to America for a while for work. Life went on as normal for Harry and he almost stopped thinking about Leo altogether until late January, when he ended up at a dinner Harry had with some of his castmates ahead of the filming of his new movie. It was the one he had grown his hair out for after decades, a prestige heritage film about a Georgian courtier who made it his mission to fuck the whole court and manipulate the King, basically, but it had a superb script and incredible production. After that dinner, Harry started spending a lot more time with Leo than he should but he couldn't help himself. He felt great around him, even when they weren't fucking and they got on incredibly well. Intellectually, they were on the same wavelength and that is an incredibly important thing to share with friends and your partner. Leo's easy-going nature, intellect, and sheer sweetness were what had truly woken Harry up to the reality of his pathetically depressing marriage. He felt awful about it but he couldn't help the black hole inside of his chest, draining his emotions and making it difficult for him to calm his heartbeat. It was like he was standing on the edge of a cliff, just waiting for the final push from someone before he was freefalling down onto the deadly rocks. That is how he felt about his marriage and it was killing him because there was nothing he could do. He couldn't change the past, he couldn't erase his memory, he couldn't make himself trust Zayn again.

    Harry isn't a fool. He used to be when he was younger, he threw himself headfirst into toxic situations and ruined relationships and he cheated and lied and he drank and did drugs but he wasn't a guy in his early 20s anymore. He was a father in his early 40s and he couldn't gamble with his life because his life was no longer his own. His children depended on him and he couldn't just leave Zayn and get with a man he has been sleeping with for a couple of months. He's truly not stupid and even if he's technically known Leo for a couple of years now, he won't risk everything for a man. He's not that person anymore. So Harry keeps meeting up with Leo and doesn't tell Zayn about his intention to get a divorce soon. Zayn keeps fucking other people too and life goes on. Harry isn't as unhappy as he was once Leo enters the picture because he has someone that is just his. Leo doesn't need to worry about potty training a toddler or driving a teenager to her swim team. He views Harry as an individual and he's not overwhelmed by everything else that distracts you when you share a life with someone. Harry is content with Zayn because their marriage has been reduced to being parents to the same children, with an occasional bout of intimacy between them. He's happy, for the first time in two years, he's genuinely happy around his husband because he knows he isn't trapped. He knows he won't have to deal with living inside of this nightmare of a betrayal forever. He even indulges Zayn with some things - they go on holiday together, they get Isla and Milo two new kittens after the school year ends, and all of that is probably giving Zayn false hope that everything is okay when it's far from that.

    Harry could keep this charade going on for quite a while but he knows the time is running out and he gets a nasty reminder of that one August evening.

    He's at his house with Leo, sitting in the living room with a gourmet pizza and a bottle of red, a record crooning in the background. Isla and Milo are with Gemma and Anne for the weekend because Anne complained about not getting to do typical things a grandma should do, like letting her grandkids sleep over during the summer holidays. So Harry let her have her way, not even remarking about the fact that Isla and Milo are only gonna be three in September and they likely won't remember her taking them to some castle or whatever. But he welcomed the break as Zayn was in LA for a full month finishing his album and the twins were neck deep in their obsession with the words "no" and "why".

    "You're filming next month, aren't you?" Leo asks. His hand is warm, casually placed on Harry's thigh. No intent for more, nothing to provoke something sexual, just an intimate action that keeps them connected.

    "I am," Harry nods. "Do you wanna read the screenplay? I got the final version this week. It's very much something Nicole Kidman would be in in the early 2000s."

    "I think you'll do well in a horror film," Leo remarks, looking at Harry while he brushes his curls out his face. Harry smiles and captures Leo's hand, kissing the palm of it. "Your pretty face will distract the people from the monsters though."

    "No monsters in this one," Harry whispers. "Just some ghosts."

    "Hmm... do you have any here?" Leo asks as he squeezes Harry's hand gently. "It's a very old house."

    "I'm not sure," Harry looks around his living room. It is true that this house is originally centuries old and since there's a pub next door and the house has a very rich and buoyant history, people have surely died a violent death nearby. "I don't think I've ever seen a ghost here before. However, my washing machine seems to be eating too many clothes. Maybe it's ghosts."

    "Have I told you about the time I participated in a seance once?" Leo asks, his fingers carefully massaging Harry's palm. "It wasn't anything you'd think it was, with some witch and crystals and whatever else. The medium considered herself a serious scientist and there were procedures. We couldn't have metals in the room, it was pitch dark and I still think they kept us drugged the entire time we were there."

    "Don't be so pessimistic, maybe you really experienced the veil between the dead and the alive disappearing for a while and you talked to a ghost," Harry laughs. "Why did you do it, by the way?"

    "I went with a friend, he's all about spiritualism and he wanted to talk to his dead uncle," Leo rolls his eyes and lets Harry's hand go. "Tomas, you'll have to meet him sometime soon, I'm sure you two would be fast friends."

    "Did he talk to said dead uncle?"

    "I don't know," Leo furrows his brows. "He did a private session with the medium and never told me what happened there. I don't know if it was because he was embarrassed about getting scammed or because he actually talked to his uncle."

    "That is crazy," Harry chuckles. "I do know a thing or two about witchcraft but seances... their popularity really fell since the Victorian times I'd say."

    "Ectoplasm is out of fashion now, I fear," Leo nods. "What would you like to do tomorrow, babe?"

    "Nothing," Harry says without thinking. "Absolutely nothing. Mum is bringing the kids back tomorrow evening and Zayn isn't coming back until the end of next week. We've got the house for ourselves."

    "I still feel weird about this," Leo frowns a little. "Your open marriage situation."

    "I know," Harry says and it's his turn to let the weight and warmth of his hand on Leo's thigh help him tether them to each other in this conversation. "I told you the marriage is dead. I haven't been in love with him for a long time."

    "I don't want to ruin your family, H," Leo says, his face solemn. "Isla and Milo are absolute sweethearts, I know you both must love them to death. I don't want to be the reason why you throw all this away."

    "Leo," Harry sighs a little. "I've told you that before we slept together, he had been going behind my back for more than a year. I had slept with other people before I slept with you last year. Our marriage was never going to survive this and I wasn't the one who signed that ruling, it was my husband and he did it the moment he cheated on me. I tried to save it, I did but I can't possibly resuscitate this corpse."

    Leo sighs and laughs a little. "You know he's gonna blame me for this."

    "And I'm gonna blame him," Harry retorts, squeezing Leo's thigh. "He's in LA right now and he's probably fucking a different girl every night because he wants to do it. He didn't want to stay with me and raise our children together. Even if he might think he did, he wouldn't have cheated. I've grown past that childish bullshit, he didn't and it's truly not my fault because I tried, I tried for more than twenty years and if I couldn't make him love me enough by now, I never will."

    Leo watches Harry for a long time, searching his face. He cups Harry's cheek in his palm, meeting his eyes. "Is it a bad time to say you made me love you so swiftly and effortlessly I felt like I was falling down a ravine but at the bottom of it, a warm bed with a feather duvet was waiting for me?"

    "Is it enough to stop you from cheating on me in twenty years?" Harry asks, not even trying to subdue his grin. "It's a long timeframe."

    "I am rather enthusiastic about monogamy," Leo says. "Our arrangement was something unconventional for me but I haven't been sleeping with or seeing anyone else, not since January at least. I can't tell you not to sleep with your husband."

    "Trust me, I've slept with you more this past week than I have with my husband since January," Harry breathes out a laugh, trying not to think about how terrible that sentence sounds. "You're at more of a risk than I am. I was always going to leave him, with or without you in the picture. But you're signing up for a relationship with me, and I'm a package deal with two three-year-old kids. And a teenage step-daughter who might actually take her father's side so I'll never see her again."

    "That won't happen," Leo says. "She adores you, based on what you've said. I am also very much ready to take you as you are. Milo and Isla are a part of you that I wouldn't imagine neglecting. You are who you are thanks to them as well and I fell for you as you are. Isla and Milo are not pets you can drop off at a shelter or with relatives, they're your children. I'm not that shallow. The first time we spent the night together, the morning after wasn't a romantic affair in bed, it was breakfast in the kitchen with two toddlers that are very adorable, just like their dad. I accept all that with open arms. I'm looking forward to it, in fact, because you always give them both your brightest smiles and they inspire a happiness within you that only a monster would take away."

    "See, this is why I fell for you," Harry says and pulls Leo into a kiss. It's late enough that they might just move this whole thing to bed but the kissing alone is overpowering and intoxicating. Harry can never get enough of this and it always soothes him because he used to be scared that he's never gonna get a feeling like this again. But he was lucky enough to find someone else who would wrap him up in love and care for him as one should.

    It gets heated quickly, the wine warming their blood and accelerating their thirst for one another. They're close to starting to attack each other's clothing when the world just about shatters.

    "Daddy?"

    Unmistakably, it's Amara's voice. Harry pulls away from Leo like he's been scalded with molten iron. Amara is standing in the doorway, a weekend bag slung on her shoulder. It's been years since Harry felt the dread he feels when his eyes lock with Amara's gaze.

    "Mar, it really isn't what it looks like," Harry says stupidly. Now he has about thirty seconds to figure out how to tell his thirteen-year-old stepdaughter all about the concept of open marriage.

"You're snogging a man that clearly isn't baba," Amara shakes her head. "I know I'm young but I'm not stupid, dad. I know what kissing and cheating are."

    "Of course you do, babe," Harry nods and stands up, hoping his not acknowledging Leo will render him invisible. "But this isn't cheating, I promise you."

    "Then what is it?" Amara asks and crosses her arms across her chest. "Did baba come back home soon and you're having a threesome?"

    Harry frowns, digesting the fact that the thirteen-year-old in front of him that he has known since she still wore diapers knows what threesomes are. He shakes his head to get the idea as far from his brain as he can. "I'm not going to get into how you know about threesomes right now," Harry says. "But I am going to tell you that your baba and I have an arrangement where we can see other people outside of our marriage. It's called an open marriage and we've had this thing going on for almost a year. I love you so much Mar, but it really isn't anything you need to worry about."

    "How is it not anything for me to worry about?" Amara yelled, her eyes glassy. "You're my dad! I know you and baba will get a divorce. I don't care about what stupid adult agreement you have, you're married, you should only love each other. I don't want either of you to leave." Her voice breaks at the end of the sentence and she's full-on crying. Harry quickly gestures to Leo to get out of the room before he comes to Amara and wraps her in a hug after putting the bag she was holding on the floor. He rubs her back and thinks about all the times he's comforted her when she was crying over bad dreams and scraped knees and sandcastles that got washed away. Amara isn't a baby anymore, she's a teenager, fourteen in a couple of months and it's unfair to her to be treated like a baby. She's a smart girl, observant and intelligent, she can see through her parents' bullshit from miles away.

    "Mar, I will never leave you," Harry whispers into her hair. "Never, alright? I've loved you since you were smaller than Isla and Milo. You're one of the most important people on this planet to me."

    "So you are getting a divorce," Amara sniffs as she pulls away. Harry doesn't let go of her fully, keeping his hands on her shoulders.

    "Mar..." Harry sighs. "I'm not gonna lie to you, not after this. I'm planning it but... your baba doesn't know yet. I was telling the truth about the open marriage thing. I came up with the agreement when I found out your baba was cheating."

    Amara's face falls completely, tears flooding her eyes again. "What?"

    Harry might be an arsehole for this but he's not going to beat around the bush and lie to Amara. If she knows about one thing, she needs to get the full picture. "I'm so sorry to be telling you this, Mar," Harry says and he means it. It's not a conversation he ever wanted to have. "I found out ages ago but I waited like a year before I confronted him. I loved him, I still do and I didn't want to break our family up. He agreed to the open marriage idea but our relationship was never the same. I couldn't do it. I thought I could but I couldn't. I wish I could. I don't want to ruin our family, I don't want to throw away over twenty years of love. But I'm not happy anymore, Mar. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me and understand why I had to do this."

    Amara shakes her head. "I have nothing to forgive you for, daddy. Baba was the one who was wrong."

    "It doesn't matter now," Harry says and rubs her shoulders. "Your baba loves you the most in the entire world and our relationship doesn't affect that. Even after we break up, I'm still going to be in your life, if you want me to. Please, don't hold this against your baba, okay? I told you the truth because you deserve the truth but whatever he and I did with our marriage is completely separate from our relationship with you. We both love you and sometimes adults break up. Love and marriage are very difficult to navigate, and children shouldn't bear the brunt of it."

    "You know what mom told me a couple of weeks ago?" Amara sniffs and takes a step back. "That baba left her for you. Baba left my mom for you, dad, and now you're gonna leave baba for some other man?"

    "Sweetheart, that isn't what happened," Harry shakes his head. "Technically... yes, he left your mum for me but we weren't together. I was dating someone else when your baba and your mum broke up. I didn't even talk to your baba until about a year and a bit after they had broken up. I didn't know he did that."

    "But he loved you enough to do it!" Amara exclaims, her tears nowhere near their end. "Why isn't it enough now? You're happy together, you were just on holiday and you got the twins new kittens. I picked them out with baba, like... I don't understand, dad. You don't have to leave."

    "Amara," Harry says quietly. He doesn't know what to say and Amara keeps watching him, keeps crying. Luckily, she lets Harry pull her into a hug again as she sobs. "Baby, you're going to understand it one day. You will, I promise you. I will always have love in my heart for your baba. We went through so many things together. I'll tell you all about it one day. But we all grow as people and things change. We have only so many years on this planet and we can't waste them being unhappy. You need to remember that too, with friends and stuff. I love you, Mar, always. That's never going to change." Harry feels his eyes burning but he can't cry. He can't join Amara in the tears fest because that would be too painful, too depressing. He changes the topic instead. "Now, young lady, why were you sneaking into my house like a burglar?"

    "Oh god," Amara laughs and Harry feels relief when her body reverberates against his with laughter. "I had such a stupid row with my mom."

    "You're becoming a right teenage menace, huh," Harry smiles. "What happened? Anything I can help with?"

    "I got invited to a holiday next week with my best friend and mom doesn't want me to go," Amara sighs, pulling away from the hug. "It's with her family and all, in Mallorca and mom just doesn't want to let me go. I called baba and he said I need to have mom's permission. It's all stupid. I came here because I thought the house would be empty since baba said that Isla and Milo are with nana."

    "Which friend is that, Mar?"

    "Rhea," Amara says. "Like, she's slept over at this house, at mom's house so many times. You all know her parents. I don't know what the issue is."

    "Alright, we'll figure something out, babe," Harry rubs her back. "I'm friendly with her mum, I could give her a call. I could go with you? I'll take the twins, nana and auntie Gem, we'll get a different place and I can check up on you for your mum's peace of mind."

    Amara's face immediately lit up. "You would do that for me?"

    "Yeah, of course," Harry nods. "I used to go on holiday with them every summer until a couple of years ago. We'd be happy to go, I've free time and you'd get to have fun with your bestie."

    "My mom is actually going to start hating you after this," Amara laughs and hugs Harry again. "Thank you, daddy. You're the best."

    "Of course I am," Harry says and kisses the top of her head. It is a little possible that he's doing this because he just had the worst conversation you can have with your step-daughter in the history of the universe and Gigi is definitely going to try to castrate him but... Amara doesn't deserve to suffer the consequences of his and Zayn's stupidity. If making sure she's fine with their impending divorce included a little spoiling her, so be it. A holiday in Mallorca is never a chore anyway, Anne is retired and Gemma can certainly spare the time.

    "Are you gonna tell mom or should I?" Amara asks.

    "I think it's better I tell her," Harry says. "She would accuse me of forcing you to be my messenger and going behind her back, undermining her authority, whatever. I'll tell your baba too."

    "Are you sure you want to leave him, dad?"

    "Babe..." Harry sighs as he rests his chin on Amara's head. "I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't sure."

    "You're not my biological dad, you won't get to see me, like legally," Amara whines. "I'm only gonna be fourteen, I'm not an adult."

    Harry pulls away and looks at her. "Don't worry about anything, alright? Legally, we've got some things in place and either way, I'm not planning to have a nasty divorce, we'll be able to come to an agreement. Isla and Milo will want to see their baba too even if they're not biologically related. You're genuinely too smart for your own good, sweetheart. Now don't worry about anything and please, don't tell your baba. I haven't told him yet and I don't want him finding out about it from you. And please, please, please do not tell your mum either."

    Amara mimes zipping her lips up, locking them and throwing away the key. "I promise I won't say anything, daddy. I owe you one for Mallorca."

    "You don't, sweetie, but I appreciate this," Harry says. "Now, are you hungry? It's late but there's some pizza left or I could make you something?"

    "I'm okay, I got McDonald's on the way here. I've got a McWrap in my bag."

    "What?" Harry frowns. "Wait, how did you get here?"

    "I took the bus," Amara shrugs. "You've got a bus stop like, right around the corner. But I jumped off the bus when I saw a McDonalds so I got some food, hung out there for a bit and then I came here."

    "Jesus Christ, Amara," Harry shakes his head. "Give me the wrap."

    "What?" Amara squawks. "No way. I want to eat it."

    "Yes, I'm aware of that, that is precisely why you need to give it to me," Harry waits with his hand outstretched. "Don't make me say your full government name."

    "Why?"

    "So I can throw it out," Harry says. "Obviously. It's almost nine in the evening and you've already eaten who knows what. I'm not letting you eat that."

    Amara only stares at him.

    "Give me the wrap or I'm not going to Mallorca."

    "God," Amara groans but she pulls the McWrap out of her bag and hands it to Harry begrudgingly. "You're a right extortionist, did the KGB train you?"

    "Yes and this didn't even involve waterboarding," Harry says as he walks to the bin in the kitchen and chucks the wrap there. "If you're hungry, there's actually healthy food in the fridge or in the pantry."

    "You were offering me pizza literally three minutes ago."

    "Yes, and what is pizza? Basically freshly made bread with a tomato sauce, cheese and some meat or vegetables," Harry tells before pulling her into his side and kissing the top of her head. "Do you wanna hang out or go to your room?"

    "I'll go to my room, I need to talk to Rhea," Amara says. "I wouldn't want to keep you from cheating on baba anyway."

    "Amara!"

    "I'm kidding, I hate you both for ruining love for me forever."

    "I'm sorry about that and I'll remind you of this after your first big breakup," Harry says as they walk towards the staircase. "And about your little journey here... don't go travelling around London on your own, especially not at such an hour when it's already almost dark. I almost got stabbed once and I was a grown man. You could get kidnapped, murdered, raped, trafficked, robbed, whatever else. You need to be aware of your surroundings and stay safe. You can always call me or baba or your mum or even my assistant, just any adult who will help you. We're not keeping you in a cage, babe, we were all teenagers once, we just want you to stay safe."

    "You just made that up," Amera frowns at him. "You weren't jumped."

    "I was and there is a Howard Stern interview to prove it."

    "Fine, I'll Google it."

    "Mar."

    Amara lets go of him and rolls her eyes. "What?"

    "Promise me you won't go travelling around London alone again. Unless you had a car called by an adult you trust, ideally only your mum, baba or me."

    "Okay, I promise," Amara says, the fight from her voice gone. "I'll see you in the morning. Night, daddy."

    "Goodnight, babe."

    Harry sighs as he watches Amara walk up the stairs. Once she disappears out of view, he texts Gigi about Mallorca, and about Amara being safe at his house. She replies to him with a "thank god she's fine, I was about to call you. about Mallorca, fine, whatever but if anything happens to her i will personally skin you alive. Goodnight." and thankfully it wasn't like pulling teeth as he expected. He texts Zayn about it too but he doesn't get a reply. Then he texts Gemma about Mallorca and his assistant who's gonna have to find him a villa there, and in the end, he also texts Rhea's mum, asking for details about where they're staying. And this is a regular evening for him. He wonders how he still hasn't gone insane.

    After that's done, he puts the record away and starts tidying up the living room. Thinking about it now, he's actually going to welcome another holiday, a nice escape from his complicated love life situation. Once again, ignorance really is blissful.

    "Is the coast clear?"

    "Fucking hell," Harry gasps and turns to see Leo in the doorway. "I swear you people want me to have a coronary. Yes, Amara is up in her room. Where were you hiding?"

    "In the garden, just to be safe," Leo says and varily comes into the room. "Didn't want to eavesdrop. Is everything okay?"

    "Yes, thankfully," Harry nods. "But I have to go to Mallorca next week."

    "Why?" Leo frowns. "Is your teenage stepdaughter blackmailing you?"

    "No, I'm trying to suck up to her," Harry chuckles. "Gigi didn't want her to go on holiday with her best friend and her family so I said I'll go with mum, Gemma, and the kids too, but we'll stay at our own place while she can stay with her BFF."

    "You are genuinely too good to be real," Leo shakes his head. His eyes scan Harry up and down, a smile small on his lips. It's as if he actually can't believe Harry is real and standing right in front of him, like he can't believe his existence even. Being in awe of one another, that is something Harry has missed for many years now. Leo wants him, without any other expectations.

    "Sometimes, yes," Harry laughs. "Can't help myself. Do you wanna watch a film upstairs?"

    Leo does want to watch a film and that's all they do. It's one thing fucking people behind your husband's back but you don't do it with your step-daughter that just learned about your impending divorce in the same house. They fall asleep wrapped up in each other and Leo leaves after breakfast the next morning. Harry takes Amara and Rhea shopping, just to make sure he's still ranking as her favourite parent for the time being.

    Scarcely a week later, he's in a villa in Mallorca with his mum, Gemma and the twins. Amara is enjoying her time with her bestie, being completely safe because she's with Rhea's parents too under the same supervision Rhea is, and Harry is just a call away either way. And of course, Harry deems this the perfect time to announce that he's planning to leave Zayn. A total of five people will know about Harry's intention to divorce his husband before the husband in question knows.

    They're sitting on the patio by the pool, in the shade with the remnants of lunch around them and the twins having their afternoon nap when Harry clears his throat and tells Anne and Gemma he needs to tell them something.

    "I don't love the sound of that," Anne remarks before drinking her wine.

    "Me neither," Gemma watches Harry with furrowed brows. "What is it?"

    "Please don't tell me you told me so but..." Harry starts. "I'm planning to leave Zayn. I haven't talked to him about it yet, I haven't got a divorce lawyer yet either. And there's one more thing. We've had an open marriage for a year now because he started cheating on me and I didn't want to let go of our life together yet. There. That's my big announcement."

    "Jesus Christ," Anne sighs and returns to her wine but Gemma just shakes her head at him. "I knew you two were the worst idea ever. You do know your children will forever be traumatised by this?"

    "Mum had two divorces and we turned out fine," Harry shrugs and starts drinking too. He's too sober for this.

    "Don't bring me into this, sweetheart," Anne puts a hand up. "I did it the old-fashioned way back then. I met someone, we got married, then we got divorced. You and Zayn were together a million different times and then you got married, had children, and made a mess out of things anyway. I did understand all of your stupid decisions when you two were around twenty years old, but you're both proper adults with children."

    "I didn't ask him to cheat on me mum," Harry snaps. "Or was I just supposed to ignore it? Let him absolutely ruin my psyche and emotional well-being for the sake of Isla and Milo and Amara? They're all gonna be happier when we're not stuck in a miserable marriage."

    "I can't believe he cheated on you," Gemma frowns. "I would expect you to do it."

    "Yeah, that is a very misguided way of thinking because he was always the bigger whore out of the two of us," Harry says, looking down at his plate. "He started doing it because I wasn't sleeping with him enough."

    "You sound like a miserable housewife," Gemma remarks.

    Harry frowns at her. "You try raising two babies while releasing an album and then touring it around the country and filming multiple films and a mini-series. Sex will be the last thing on your mind."

    "Zayn is an arsehole for cheating but there is a thing called work-life balance, babe," Gemma says, almost sympathetically. "I am sorry because I know you love him."

    "I'm coping okay," Harry says, playing with his glass. "Truth be told... I think I've fallen out of love with him."

    "That is something I never really expected to hear you say," Anne focuses on her wine more than on Harry. "But I secretly always thought you never really loved him. He was your first love, and you just didn't want to give up until you knew you weren't actually meant for each other."

    "You think so?" Harry gives the idea a moment. Their entire relationship was always so messy and characterised by constant hurt. They had to fight very hard to stay together, to stay faithful and that isn't really how a relationship should go. Harry never had an issue staying faithful to people if he wanted to be faithful but something about his relationship with Zayn just didn't allow that trust to build. It was decidedly a remnant from their start, from the situation where their love originated and no matter how hard they tried, they always ended up in the pit of despair they seemed to be destined for.

    "I'm not a professional, sweetheart," Anne shrugs. "But you have been happy with many different people ever since you were twenty or so. None of them hurt you as much as Zayn had, even if it's unknowingly. You hurt him too and it's not something I see you doing to your friends or other partners. It's strange."

    "I didn't know I was being psychoanalysed," Harry mumbles. "If you want the full picture, I'm also seeing someone else. I have been for a couple of months now."

    "Of course, you have," Gemma chortles out a laugh. "Who is she?"

    "He is a screenwriter I've known for a couple of years," Harry says. "We spent the night together last year, twice, I didn't expect it to go anywhere past whatever was outlined in our open marriage agreement but... I don't know, we ended up at the same dinner party in January and... I just like him, I feel great around him. I thought the marriage with Zayn ruined me forever and I could never be with anyone again but I'm glad that didn't happen."

    "You deserve to be happy, sweetheart," Anne says. "But you also need to tell Zayn as soon as possible. If you still care about him, you need to tell him."

    Harry is well aware of that. And despite needing to untangle himself from the mess of their marriage, he is terrified.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zayn has accepted that their marriage is over.

    He can be unobservant, surely, but he knows Harry well. The biggest tell with Harry is his inability to ever pull off a poker face successfully. Everything you need to know is right on his face even if his words claim something else. So Zayn did know Harry wasn't exactly happy but he was stupid enough to think it wasn't because of his cheating and that Harry didn't know about it. He can't believe he really thought he could hide his cheating for more than a year without Harry finding out.

    So when Harry's shoulders were generally more relaxed, and he stopped picking fights with Zayn and smiled more in situations when the kids weren't involved, he knew something had changed. At that time, Zayn didn't know that it was their impending divorce that made his husband so happy.

    Zayn does have an inkling that Harry is seeing someone else, properly and not just for sex, because nothing else has changed in their lives. The kids are the same, Zayn isn't making extra effort to fix their marriage because he doesn't know what to do, everything seems like a bad idea, work is the same so it has to be someone else Harry is seeing. Zayn doesn't have proof because Harry is too sneaky. He has two phones and his private phone is on do not disturb so he can't catch any texts on the screen. He doesn't travel for work because he's filming in London. He sees his friends as normal, there isn't any extra time he seems to allocate to it. It's a mystery to Zayn, when he manages to see other people when Zayn is in London.

    His confirmation comes one random Saturday in early October and he has the twins to thank.

    "Daddy, when is Leo coming back?" Milo asks over lunch one day. Zayn knows something is wrong when Harry completely freezes. Amara chokes on her water as she's drinking.

    "Don't know, babe," Harry says, avoiding eye contact with everyone over the age of three at the table. "Eat your peas, Milo."

    Zayn finishes chewing and looks pointedly at Harry. "Who's Leo?"

    "A friend," Harry says, trying to be casual and aloof. "I think you've met him once, maybe at Nick's wedding."

    "But he's not just a friend is he?" Zayn says. "What was he doing around our kids?"

    Harry takes a shaky breath but his gaze is cutting. "He watched Isla and Milo once two weeks ago when our babysitter randomly got food poisoning, you were in New York and no one else was free at short notice. I had rehearsals for the film I couldn't miss. Is there a problem with that?"

    "Yes, there is a problem when you're fucking him," Zayn says and knocks back the rest of his gin and tonic. "I can't even imagine the fit you would throw if I had someone I'm fucking watch our kids."

    "Stop cussing in front of the kids," Harry snaps. He looks at Amara, who's trying to pretend she's not in the room. "Mar, would you please take Isla and Milo upstairs to play? I need to talk with your baba."

    "Sure," Amara says and takes the kids out of their high chairs quickly.

    There's only silence in the room, charged and dangerous. Neither of them wants to say anything because they know once they start talking their life together is over for good and they can't pretend anymore that their marriage is working. It isn't and they know it, yet they can't get past the comfort of having it to fall back on. They don't want to give up the two decades they spent torturing each other with love.

    "I think we should separate, Zayn," Harry breaks the silence. His face is blank, his eyes downturned. "We can't keep hurting each other like this."

    Zayn watches him for a while. He refills his glass before he speaks. "Why didn't you just break up with me last year?"

    Harry looks at him, anger in his eyes. "Is that the only thing you can ask me when we talk about our marriage? I've told you multiple times before, I love you. I didn't want to give up on our life together. Is it so hard for you to understand?"

    "You obviously don't love me anymore if you're with someone else behind my back," Zayn says matter-of-factly. "You could've saved yourself the time. You didn't try to save our marriage. You just waited for me to fuck up so you could blame the divorce on me."

    "Stop making shit up," Harry shakes his head. "I tried, Zayn. I tried my hardest because if I didn't want to try, I never would've suggested the open marriage idea. Never. I don't like open relationships, I never have. I tried when I was young and pining after you but it never worked. I didn't want to lose you so now I bit my tongue and tried it again. I'm sorry I found someone else I opened my heart to before we properly broke up."

    "I opened my heart to," Zayn scoffs and downs his gin. "Are you fucking serious? You're not in an interview right now, you can drop the fucking act. I'm your husband, we've been together for like a fucking decade. You don't need to bullshit me with poetic answers."

    "I'm not bullshiting you," Harry frowns. "I'm not twenty-five anymore, I don't care for fucking around and partying and whatever else. If you hadn't noticed we have kids, we have careers and there are more important things than sex and weed but I don't think you've noticed since you sacrificed our entire marriage for some pussy from girls closer to your daughter's age than your own."

    "Wow," Zayn raises his brows. "And what did you do? You happily joined me in fucking around and then you found yourself a new man before we even divorced. How are you better than me?"

    Harry shakes his head, his eyes getting glassy. Of course, he's gonna fucking cry. "I didn't start cheating on you while we had two infants at home and hid it for a fucking year. I was faithful to you, I loved you, I loved our kids, I took care of Amara more than you ever did, and I was committed to our marriage!"

    "That sex never meant anything to me," Zayn says. "It was nothing but a stress reliever. I never wanted to leave you, I fucking love you and I love our kids so don't come in here saying that shit. Who was home with Isla and Milo while you ran off to film whatever fucking movies?"

    "The nanny," Harry deadpans. "I pay her salary, I know on what days she comes in and for how long. You were also flying to New York and LA all the time. Don't you dare act like you were some stay-at-home dad."

    "So I'm not allowed to work now or what?" Zayn exclaims. "God, you're such a fucking hypocrite, Harry. You act like you're a fucking martyr for letting me have sex outside of our marriage, because you turned into a frigid bitch, but then you go and find yourself a different man and you go around introducing him to our children before you even tell me you want to divorce me. I'm fucking done with you."

    "Good," Harry spits. "Good, I'm glad you're done with me because you nearly fucking ruined my life on multiple separate occasions but I was stupid enough to still love you. I'm sooo fucking sorry for finding a man who respects me and respects my relationship with my children and my career and doesn't treat me like a prostitute, which you did more often than I'd like to admit. You forgot I existed until you needed to stick your dick into something. Maybe I should've given you a fleshlight the moment I found those texts on your phone and we wouldn't be getting a divorce now because you treat those girls exactly the same and I can deal with silicone and plastic better than with real-life women you're treating like dirt just because you're a selfish narcissist and you're never going to change."

    Zayn has never wanted to punch Harry before this moment. He wants to throw a glass at him, scar him forever so he lives with the constant reminder of how he scarred Zayn's heart after he gave it to him and completely devoted himself to him. Instead, Zayn grabs the tumbler glass anyway and throws it against the wall with all his might.

    "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Harry yells and stands up from the table. "Our children are upstairs, what the fuck are you doing?!"

    "I'm sick of you!" Zayn yells back at him. "You're a liar! You said we can't have any relationships, it's just sex and here you go, you get yourself some fucking piece of shit and you bring him to meet our kids and then you pull out a divorce. I was being honest when I told you I loved you. I didn't lie when I said I was devoted to our family and to you. But that didn't mean shit to you, did it? You already had your mind made up and you were always going to leave me. You just wanted to make sure you found someone else to psychologically torture."

    "Psychologically torture?!" Harry screams at him and laughs maniacally. "I was psychologically torturing you? Me?! Who was cheating on who for a year and then tried to deny it? It was you! So fucking stop acting all high and mighty like you didn't go behind my back, not even a year after our children were born. I had a change of heart. I didn't lie to you. I loved you, I still love you in a way, I always will because I'm fucking stupid and can't get rid of those feelings. But I cannot live with you, sleep next to you, have sex with you, and kiss you knowing whatever we have just isn't enough for you. I can't! I didn't go out looking for Leo, I slept with him twice last autumn, I didn't mean for it to be something more than that. You can't deny me to try and pursue happiness, Zayn, not after you snatched it from me yourself."

    Zayn stands up from the table, suddenly eerily calm. He takes a deep breath. "Fine," he says. "Fine. We're over. You got your way and I'm the villain of the story. I'm the bad guy who started cheating and ruined our marriage. You're a saint and you never did anything wrong. Of course, you didn't start seeing someone else behind my back. Of course, it wasn't for almost a year when our three-year-old accidentally revealed it. Sure. Go call your publicist to make sure you can smear my name in the press. For good measure say I'm a drug addict and abusive too or something. I'm sure you're creative enough to come up with a good story."

    "Why are you like this?" Harry shakes his head, a look of disgust on his face. Zayn doesn't believe this is the same man that loved him so fiercely at one time that nothing else mattered to him. "Why do you do this? You were cheating, it's the truth. I didn't break up with you right after finding out. I gave you more than a year to do it in secrecy. Then I allowed you to keep doing it because I didn't want to lose you. I don't need martyrdom, I just want you to be a fucking adult for once and take responsibility for your actions. And no, I won't call my publicist, I never need to air out my personal life in the press. I don't do it, you should know by now that I don't. I'm not Gigi's mother, I'm not gonna run to People magazine or TMZ. I want us to separate and divorce as calmly as we can for the sake of our children. I don't want to fight, I don't want people speculating about our lives. Give me this one last bit of kindness and I'll leave you alone, forever."

    "I never wanted you to leave me alone, I wanted to grow old with you," Zayn says. "I can't do anything with this. You decided to leave me and that's how it is."

    "Zayn, for fuck's sake," Harry almost whines and he's surely going to start crying soon. "You cheated on me. I married you and you cheated on me at a point where I learned to completely trust you. I wanted a forever with you but I don't want it anymore because you broke my trust and you broke my heart. I can't live with you."

    "Fine," Zayn puts his hands up. "Fine, whatever, you'll always have your own version of the story and I can't do anything about that."

    "What version of the story?" Harry chuckles. "You cheated. That's a fact."

    "Yeah but then you let me," Zayn says. "You started a proper relationship with someone behind my back. That is way worse than just having sex."

    "Alright," Harry nods. "I admit I did that. I didn't let you cheat on me for the entire year before I confronted you about it, however. And after you completely destroyed my trust in you and my love for you, I went and found someone else."

    "God, you're fucking terrible," Zayn shakes his head and starts pacing around the table. "You'll always absolve yourself of any wrongdoings."

    "No, I won't," Harry says and crosses his arms. "I just won't settle for the mess that is our marriage anymore. That's all."

    "You made it a mess."

    "No, I didn't."

    "Yes, you did."

    "No, I did not," Harry almost growls at him. "You made it a fucking mess with your cock that you can't keep in your trousers and I'm leaving that mess behind. I loved you for too long, Zayn. I can't keep forgiving you after you shatter my heart, not anymore, I'm too old for this bullshit."

    "You just said you still love me." It is a pathetic attempt at trying to get Harry to change his mind. He probably already has a plan on how to ride into the sunset with this Leo character and their children too. Zayn is quite certain Harry won't let him see Milo and Isla again.

    "I don't think we love each other in the right way," Harry says and he leans against the wall. "I don't think we ever did. We got back together because we thought getting married is what we were supposed to do. That after so many years, we were supposed to do it together. I don't think we were the right match."

    "So you weren't happy?" Zayn asks and he fears the answer. He believed Harry was happy. Is he really so bad at reading him? He's known him for over twenty years, he couldn't have possibly gotten everything wrong.

    "I was happy," Harry says and meets Zayn's gaze. He doesn't seem angry anymore. He seems anguished, tired. "I'm not anymore. That is the problem. I don't think we can be happy together anymore and I won't sacrifice five or however many years of my life trying to fix something that's unfixable. I hope we can stay friends, I hope we can do our best for the kids. But I can't be your husband anymore, Zayn. I can't because I'm not happy and we both need to be happy for this to work."

    "I'm sorry," Zayn says. He's sorry for so many things, for his own shortcomings, for the circumstances, for the things Harry did wrong too. They should've done better and they could've done better. But it was too late and Zayn knows he won't change Harry's mind. Even if he stayed completely faithful forever, if he did everything Harry asked for even before he asked for it, if he somehow managed to be perfect. Nothing would change and Harry would leave him anyway. Zayn would have fought harder for Harry if there wasn't anyone else in the picture. But the second he found out... Zayn knew it was game over. He can't compete with Harry's latest obsession. He knows it won't last, Harry is too enamoured to realise no man would stick with you through a divorce and then take care of your kids for you. No one is that stupid and selfless. Zayn will let Harry keep this delusion but when this Leo eventually leaves him, Zayn won't be there to take Harry back like he always used to be.

    "I'm sorry too," Harry sighs. "I never wanted our marriage to end like this. When I married you, I never thought we'd get a divorce. I'm really sad we got here."

    "You're not blameless in this."

    "Neither are you."

    "I'm leaving," Zayn says. "I'm gonna pack a few things, I'll get a hotel. I'll try to move out quickly."

    "I'm not kicking you out," Harry's voice is low, non-confrontational. "You can stay however long you want here. There's more than enough space."

    "I don't feel like looking at you," Zayn says while staring directly into Harry's eyes. "I'll pack a bag and I'll be gone. Have your lawyers get in touch with me."

    "I haven't talked to any lawyers yet," Harry says but Zayn doesn't listen anymore. It feels like he's underwater, like he can't quite place his surroundings, the noises around him. Is it rage? Grief? He isn't quite sure but he grabs a leather weekend bag in their walk-in closet, throws some underwear and clothes in, his phone charger and laptop and he leaves. He doesn't look back, he ignores Harry calling after him, he just doesn't care anymore.

    When he closes the gate to Harry's house, that part of his life is over. For good. He couldn't even bear to wait for a car there so he walks around the block and catches a normal taxi. In the back of the cab, he thinks about just how easy it is to leave your life behind. More than twenty years, down the drain just like that. The man he thought was the love of his life is giving his heart to someone else and discarding Zayn like an old toy he no longer wants to play with. Marriage, kids, none of it matters. Soon enough, they're going to be divorced and their lives will be severed. Over and done with, just like that.

    All of their previous breakups didn't feel so fatal, so finite. They knew, in the back of their minds, that they'll come together again at some point. It was like fate, like some cosmic magnetism that pulled them together. This right now, this felt like a death sentence, and nothing was going to give them amnesty. They loved each other for more than twenty years and Zayn reckons Harry was right, when he said they never loved each other in the right way. But what is the right way? What if one loves someone in the right way but the other person doesn't? How do you figure that out?

    It's too late now and Zayn is watching London pass by as he goes to a hotel in a city he considers his home. He's going to fall asleep alone and there won't be anyone scooting closer to him at night, no one will wake him up at 7AM by getting out of bed and putting their running shoes on, no one will greet him in the kitchen with a cup of coffee made just how he likes it. That part of his life is over now and the sooner he forgets it, the better off he will be. Harry made his choice and Zayn could never change his mind. He never could and he didn't gain that superpower overnight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry has accepted that their marriage is over.

    It's nearly comical, when he looks back at just how much stupid shit he did for Zayn and to keep him. How he tried to get him to propose back in their 20s, how he jumped headfirst into taking care of Amara. All of the stupidity that transpired in the band. And now Harry is talking to divorce lawyers and talking about custody and whatever else.

    The bad thing is that Zayn completely disappeared. He didn't come back home, he didn't try texting or calling Harry a single time. Three weeks after he left, Harry hears from a lawyer Zayn hired. He tells Harry that Zayn is ready to come to a reasonable agreement and agrees to the divorce. He wants to see Milo and Isla. He won't keep Harry from seeing Amara. He doesn't want any of his money. Clean break, or so it seems.

    Nothing can be a clean break when there are children involved. Amara is old enough to understand what happened. After that final fight, Amara came downstairs a few minutes after Zayn had slammed the front door to find Harry crying at their dinner table, broken glass from the tumbler all around the room.

    "Did baba leave?" Amara asked.

    Harry could only nod. "I'm sorry but I don't think he's coming back, babe."

    Amara just nodded, sat on the chair next to Harry and hugged him as he wept. She didn't cry and she acted more rationally than Harry. She asked Harry to help her with a history project and then offered to run his lines with him, as he was still in the middle of filming. It distracted him enough from the pain of the total collapse of his marriage and the evening ended with them both playing with Isla and Milo and they could pretend like there wasn't still broken glass and unfinished lunch in the dining room.

    Because Gigi was in the US, Amara didn't really have a choice but to stay at Harry's place. She said she would've stayed anyway and that was one little comfort to Harry, that the divorce didn't shatter his relationship with Amara. He's known her since she was a toddler, he raised her too, he loved her like his own. Zayn texted her sometimes but he completely went off the radar.

    Milo and Isla didn't notice Zayn's absence the first week or so because he had been travelling for work a lot recently. But then they started asking about him and while they weren't necessarily upset, it was getting increasingly depressing.

    One thing Harry still struggles with is how in the world is he going to tell everyone they're getting a divorce? Should he send out a mass text? Post a story on his finsta? Hold a conference call with all his friends? He told all the people closest to him but then he goes out to dinners and events and parties and they ask about Zayn and all Harry can do is awkwardly mumble his way through saying that they've separated. The word divorce is almost dirty. It's finite and violent. It's a legal term that could never encompass the pain the people involved go through. Even if the two people absolutely hate each other, the process is horrific. It's evidence and agreements and laws and custody and property and moving out and forgetting a person that you loved, that you hurt, that you shared a bed with for years, that you still share children with. He needs to get himself out of this marriage but no matter what, he will mourn all that he's lost because he was happy. He was happy for many years but happiness isn't immovable. Happiness doesn't stay the same, it changes constantly and now the happiness he got from his marriage has expired.

    He didn't see Leo for more than two weeks after that final fight with Zayn. He felt like he had betrayed everything he stood for once because Zayn was right, it was Harry who said they're not allowed to have any relationships outside of their agreement. But Harry couldn't help it. You can't dictate your heart what to feel. It's impossible and unfair to yourself to try and do it. Zayn was the first one who gave up on their relationship, the love they shared. He was the one who cheated. Why should Harry blame himself for finding someone else to love, someone who he could try and love with a clean slate, without any prior expectations?

    Leo understood his absence and he was incredibly empathetic. He listened to Harry complaining about everything, he assured him everything would be fine, he held Harry at night like they'd known each other for years and played with Isla and Milo without even being asked to do so. Harry didn't want to fall for him so quickly but it was impossible. He hoped all of it wasn't a farce and that Leo wouldn't leave him and betray him but... they had mutual friends who didn't have a single bad word to say about him, his previous relationship was a long-term one that didn't end with a bloodbath. Harry knew he couldn't fully put his trust into him during such an emotionally vulnerable moment in his life but for now, it was enough.

    However, slowly but surely, Leo is integrated into Harry's life more and more. It's easy as breathing, being together and the twins like him, Amara doesn't hate him and it all seems alright. He's still wary about being seen with Leo or introducing him to people. His divorce still isn't finalised and he has no idea when it's going to be since Zayn isn't talking to him. He's talking to Amara and Gigi, Harry doesn't know how often but Gigi called him and told him Zayn allowed Amara to stay with Harry instead of him as he's not in London where her school is. So Harry knows Zayn isn't in London but where he is can be anyone's guess. Harry's plans for secrecy are ruined in December, when he and Leo take the twins to get festive hot chocolate at a café on the highstreet in Hampstead. He never gets papped in his neighbourhood unless he wants to be, and paparazzi are long behind stalking celebrities like that. But sometimes, other people who live nearby call them and that happens one random December day and a stray pap kills two birds with one stone, takes photos of them and they're plastered all over British tabloids the very next day because these kinds of photos sell better than whatever Harry's team would pay them to hold them back, which normally happens when he gets papped without his consent.

    And tabloids aren't as stupid as people would think. They caught onto Zayn's absence, on the fact that Harry hasn't been photographed with him in public in close to a year. Yes, they were a private couple but Zayn used to come to different events with Harry and now wherever Harry went where he knew he'd be photographed, he was alone. The one saving grace was that he's never been photographed with Leo before but tabloids didn't need that before jumping to conclusions. People gossip between each other and Harry has told people he and Zayn are separated and that is what the tabloids decided to run with. But of course, it didn't stay there. They just have to demonise him and say he's moving on quickly and forgetting his ex and whatever other bullshit they decide to say.

    Harry's sitting in the kitchen in the breakfast nook, with multiple tabloid newspapers in front of him because his publicist thinks when there's a scandal, he needs the permanence of a printed newspaper in front of him. He knows how shitty this is, he doesn't need these. He's not paying attention to his surroundings when he gets spooked by Leo touching his shoulder.

    "Hi, babe," Leo says quietly. "Is it as bad as it looks?"

    "Morning," Harry says and grabs Leo's hand in his. "I don't really think so. I'm more worried about Zayn's reaction. I've no clue where he is, I haven't spoken to him since October. He's gonna think I planned this, he knows I know how to hide."

    "Maybe you should try calling him," Leo says and kisses the top of Harry's head before pulling him into his side as he stands next to him. "You're broken up, it's not like we're snogging on a yacht naked a week after you proclaimed his love for him on stage or something."

    "I had something like that yacht scenario with someone I was dating ten years ago," Harry remarks rather grimly. "You're not wrong, I know that but... this is not how I wanted to announce our relationship. I'm not even divorced yet."

    "If you can get through to Zayn, maybe you can put out a joint statement or something?"

    "That's what I'm thinking," Harry chews on his bottom lip. "A simple press release would easily solve this and that is what I wanted to do the second I saw the headlines but Zayn won't agree to it, I'm sure."

    Leo squeezes his hand encouragingly. "You can try asking him, love. If he doesn't pick up, you can do it on your own."

    "Yeah, and I'll start a battle between us in the press," Harry scoffs. "I know Zayn, he's pettier than he likes to admit. He won't give me the satisfaction of fixing everything with a statement."

    "Just call him," Leo insists. "You never know until you try."

    Harry groans and reaches for his phone on the table. "Fine. Whatever. I'm sure he's not gonna pick up." He unlocks his phone and finds Zayn's contact. It used to change between "loml" with emojis and "Z" with emojis, even just "husband" with a few hearts and now it's just a simple "Zayn". Funny how so little can say so much about a relationship. Harry dials his number and waits. And waits. And waits. "See, I told you he's not gonna pick up," Harry says and the moment he says that the ringing tone ends and the phone is picked up.

    "I'm shocked it's not your publicist calling me," Zayn says.

    "I have a backbone, Zayn," Harry says. "It's good to hear you again."

    "Cut the bullshit," Zayn snaps. "What do you want?"

    "I wanted to talk to you like a normal adult about a million things," Harry sighs. "Your lawyer seems to be limited to two sentences per email. I think our marriage deserves more than that ending. And I wanted to talk to you about how we're gonna handle everything publicly. I know you're gonna say I'm shallow and that I care more about my career than I do about anything else but it's not true. I just don't want the press lying about my life and there is a way to fix it. So I want to ask you to put out a joint statement with me about our separation. No one will speculate about us after that, it's not vanity, it helps retain our children's privacy."

    "I don't have anything else to say to you," Zayn says on the other end of the line. Harry can hear that he's smoking. "If you think this will aid the safety of the kids, do whatever you want. You have the number for my publicist."

    "Thank you," Harry's voice is quiet. "Are you gonna come see Milo and Isla at any point soon? For Christmas maybe? They miss you."

    "Maybe," Zayn coughs a little. "I'll see if I'm in England."

    "Okay," Harry nods to himself. "You can always reach out and see them. I'm not keeping you from them."

    "I know," Zayn says. "But I can't look at them without seeing you and I don't want to see you."

    "They don't deserve that," Harry scoffs. "Your issues with me shouldn't affect the kids."

    "You should've thought about that earlier," Zayn snaps. "Goodbye." And the line is dead.

    "Fucking hell," Harry breathes out and gently throws the phone on top of all the newspapers. He looks at Leo, outraged. "Can you believe that? He doesn't want to see Isla and Milo because they remind him of me. How is it their fault? Who the fuck refuses to see their kids because they look like their ex?"

    "I don't know, H," Leo says and he sits down next to Harry on the bench, putting his hand around his waist right away. "I'm sorry your marriage ended so badly. It's completely my fault. I should've waited until you were divorced. This is reflecting badly on your children and you two shared so much... I'm sorry."

    "Hey," Harry says and cups Leo's cheek. "Zayn's behaviour isn't your fault. Not at all. You didn't force him to abandon his children, you didn't make him blame me for everything that he did. I was the one who made a mistake, I assured you that this was going to be fine, knowing very well that I said we can't have relationships outside of our marriage. But I fell for you, Leo. I love you and I wasn't about to let Zayn ruin it for me. He's the reason why I broke up with so many people over the years. I dated a really great guy when I was twenty-one and I left him because of the feelings I had for Zayn. We're still friends but you never know what could've happened. I left Camille and Charles for him too and I might not have loved them but I didn't even give us a chance. I knew my marriage with Zayn was on its deathbed and when I met you, I just had a feeling that we could have something great together. I was willing to risk it for you and I don't regret it."

    "But Isla and Milo are now suffering the consequences of that," Leo has a pained expression on his face and it makes Harry want to jump out of his skin. "They don't deserve that at all. We both fucked up. I love you too, H but we should've waited or told him sooner or something."

    "Baby," Harry sighs. "Nothing would've helped. Zayn is stubborn and he would've been mad at me for leaving no matter what. He thought that we would have an open marriage forever. That he would fuck around and he'd come back to me whenever he wanted. I'd be suffering, the kids would be seeing us fight, they'd see us miserable all the time and they don't deserve that either. Isla and Milo are primarily my children, as terrible as it sounds they're only biologically related to me. Zayn made his choice. He's still talking to Amara and I do have the inkling he has met up with her a few times too but she doesn't want to tell me, which I understand and I don't blame her. The twins are still young enough to cope quite well with everything and you're a good distraction for them too."

    Leo chuckles a little. "I'm so glad I never married my ex. I can't imagine dealing with all this. It's terribly cruel to treat someone you loved for so long like this."

    "Yeah, we're never getting married," Harry laughs. "One and done for me. Breakups without legal issues are much simpler."

    "I'm inclined to agree," Leo smiles. "I don't need a piece of paper and a ring to love you. Matrimony is nothing but an additional layer of pressure and expectations."

    "I wish someone had told me that five years ago," Harry sighs. "Or rather in my twenties when we first got engaged. How fucking stupid was I?"

    "You're not anymore," Leo grins. He pulls Harry into a quick kiss. "I still love you," Leo says quietly, his breath on Harry's lips. "No matter what."

    "I'm so happy I found you," Harry says earnestly and he can feel his eyes stinging with tears. "I didn't think I'd get to love someone again. Didn't think I'd be happy with someone again."

    "I wish you had never had to feel like that," Leo says quietly, his hand on Harry's neck. "You're too good, H. You put your entire heart into everything. Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've ever done."

    Harry sniffs, and then laughs, unable to keep it in. A tear escapes his eye and rolls slowly down his face. "God, I love you so much."

    "Don't cry, sweetheart," Leo says and kisses Harry's cheek, right where the tear went. "I promise you I'll treat your heart the best I know."

    Harry's answer to that was to kiss Leo deeply.

    The next day, tabloids were reporting on Harry and Zayn's separation and after a bit of pressure from Jeff, they stopped digging into Harry and Leo's relationship. They weren't going to explain anything to people and they would jump to their own conclusions anyway.

    Amara comes over after school that day. She lets herself in and the first thing she says after plopping down on the sofa next to Harry, her backpack on the floor by her feet is: "So you and baba are properly over now."

    "We have been since October, Mar," Harry frowns. "Now it's Daily Mail official, I guess. Did anyone at school give you a hard time?"

    "No," Amara shakes her head but her eyes are set on Leo, who's sitting in an armchair with his laptop. "But Rhea said Leo is sexier than baba and that you two are a cute couple."

    Leo looks between Harry and Amara. Harry chokes out a laugh. "Do you not have boys your age to rank according to sexiness?"

    "Rhea thinks she's a lesbian," Amara says matter-of-factly. "Which is why I'm not offended she said that."

    "Okay, that's fair," Harry nods. "I talked to your baba yesterday. I'd like him to visit all you kids for Christmas but I don't have high hopes. Have you seen him since October? Please tell me if you have, I don't want you two to lose contact."

    Amara takes a deep breath. "I have," she says. "Just twice. He took me out for pizza, we talked a little. We went bowling once. He wasn't being weird, if that helps, I guess."

    "I'm glad, babe," Harry says and pulls Amara into his side, rubbing her arm. "I'm really sorry your baba is upset with me, I didn't want this to happen. I never wanted to drive a wedge between you, you're his daughter."

    "It's okay," Amara says quietly. "Mom yells at him on the phone a lot so I don't think your divorce is the only reason why he's like that. I mean, I guess it's the main one but London is so big, he doesn't need to be your neighbour."

    "I don't think it's okay but... I hope he comes around soon," Harry says.

    "Me too but baba is stubborn," Amara sighs and she pulls away from Harry and stands up, stretching. "Is there anything to eat in the kitchen?"

    "There's leftovers from lunch in the fridge," Harry says. "Also some sourdough bread and lots of different stuff in the fridge and the pantry. Fruit. Snacks. Whatever."

    "Lovely," Amara yawns. "I went to bed at 4AM. I am so knackered."

    "What were you doing until the morning?" Harry frowns at her.

    "Privacy, daddy, I've heard you say you liked that thing once," Amara winks and off she goes.

    "God, I can't believe one day Isla and Milo will be fourteen... and at the same time too," Harry sighs and looks at Leo. "I feel like that age should be illegal."

    "The joys of parenthood, I guess," Leo smiles. "I'm quite relieved you still have a good relationship with Amara."

    "Yeah, me too," Harry sighs. "Can't believe I've known her for more than ten years. She was around the twins' age when I first met her, which is crazy to think about now. She's going to be fourteen next month. Four years until she's legally an adult. She makes me feel old."

    "That's what happens to people who have kids young," Leo remarks. "At least you have Isla and Milo. They're still little."

    "Yeah but I can't imagine how Gigi feels," Harry wonders. "I wasn't around Amara that much when she was little. I didn't see her properly for months sometimes because I was touring, filming, whatever. But sometimes she'd stay with us for two months straight because Gigi was working. She was with us for half a year when Gigi had her 2nd child. It was an unconventional arrangement and quite selfish in retrospect, from all sides. I wasn't her parent, I did whatever but... I don't know, I didn't see Zayn for weeks back then too, we were younger and cared about our careers more."

    "I don't think that changed much for you," Leo smiles. "You've just stopped touring."

    "Have you got any idea how much I miss it?" Harry sighs deeply. "I've been writing a bit and recording here and there in the past year so I might put a record out in late spring, if we can get the vinyls printed quickly. Then I'll take the kids with me for a quick tour in summer. I'm sure we could book Wembley, MSG, the Forum, if nothing else. Long Island and Manchester are no problem either."

    "It's fascinating how casually you talk about venues most artists would kill to play in."

    The comment makes Harry blush, even after all these years when he knows MSG like the back of his hand. Even now, he fears sometimes that he's gonna wake up one morning and be a teenager back home again. He wonders if the feeling will ever disappear or if it will get stronger the older he gets and the more he feels like his days on this planet are numbered.

    "Is this the divorce album?" Leo asks. "It should be a hit then."

    "That's actually a common misconception," Harry starts explaining. "People often connect to the lyrics emotionally but the commercial success isn't as great as the love albums. People prefer to hear about love, that's why I got into the habit of writing break-up songs that sound like love songs but the lyrics reveal something darker. I've friends who won album of the year at the Grammys for albums about falling in love and their divorce albums got critically panned and weren't big successes. Someone should write a report or a study on it. And this isn't the divorce album, it's the falling in love album."

    "Oh," now it's Leo's turn to blush. "I'm very flattered then and I very much encourage the study. It would surely provide a fascinating look into the music industry."

    "Who said it's about you?" Harry teases him. "Don't I love Orange and Bella too?"

    "Of course, how could I ever forget about the cats?" Leo chuckles. He shuts his laptop and joins Harry on the couch. "I'm sure when they try to climb up your legs while meowing they're professing their love to you."

    "Yes, they are, I can totally understand them," Harry grins. "By the way, I'm planning a holiday for us for New Years. Just four days but we'll spend them basking in the sun, utterly alone, a whole tiny island just for us."

    "Sounds kind of creepy, to be honest."

    "Oh, shut it," Harry laughs and smacks an obnoxious kiss on Leo's cheek. "You don't like the beach all of a sudden?"

    "With you, I like everything," Leo says and puts his hand on Harry's cheek. "Tragically, I will have to not pay attention to the absolute vision you're gonna be on the beach for about two hours every day because I have a deadline for this script."

    "Can't you pull an all-nighter during Christmas or something?"

    "I have a meeting with the producers and the director on the 27th so sadly, it's impossible."

    "Maybe we should both retire, we've got enough money," Harry muses. "Then we'd get to do whatever we want."

    "Weren't you just talking about releasing a new album and going on tour?"

    "Fucking hell, we all want to date 'a good listener' until he remembers everything," Harry scoffs playfully. He can't help himself but give Leo a quick kiss. "Fine, as long as you're there with me, I'll let you work, mister important screenwriter. I'll call the kids during that time or something. But I doubt they'll even want to speak to me because they're very excited about going to a petting farm with grandma."

    "I mean can you blame them?" Leo says. "Goats, horses, maybe an alpaca or an emu. I've a friend with a farm in the Italian Alps and it's so much fun. Especially when you're drunk and you start having serious conversations with the animals."

    "Well, my toddlers certainly don't need alcohol to think the goats are their best friends in the world," Harry laughs. "We'll miss you at Christmas."

    "I'll miss you too," Leo smiles somberly. "My family would love to meet you, even just you. I've talked about you with them, of course, but they didn't realise this wasn't just a fling until that whole tabloid drama."

    "I'll come to visit in a few weeks," Harry says. "After the divorce is finalised. I'd feel stupid meeting my new lover's family when I'm still married to someone else. And the kids... I don't want them meeting all these new people right out of the gate. They're okay with you because they can't really grasp what you and I have going on. To them, you're just daddy's friend who watches them sometimes and stays with daddy in the big bedroom. They feel Zayn's absence but thankfully, they're coping okay but after seeing my mum the other week, Isla asked when they're gonna see Zayn's mum. I didn't know what to tell her because Zayn's family isn't speaking to me, not after they sent me a lot of outright nasty messages, especially after the tabloids had a field day with our separation. I honestly don't care because I don't think I'm at fault here and they never quite viewed Isla and Milo as Zayn's children. Most of them are pretty traditional so they just felt weird that the kids are biologically related to me but not to Zayn but I guess they skipped biology classes or whatever. God, I don't have the energy for all this anymore. Am I the bad guy, Leo?"

    "I don't think you are, H," Leo shakes his head slowly. "It's completely understandable you're trying to make the best decisions for your children and I agree with you on all this. It is sad Zayn's family did that but... I don't think they should hold this against you."

    "I doubt Zayn told them everything, that's why they're mad at me and not him," Harry sighs and leans his head on Leo's shoulder. "Like... it's not wrong to leave a situation where I'm not happy anymore. I didn't want to hurt him by leaving but how on earth can he keep refusing to understand how that open marriage arrangement was hurting me? Why should I always be the one to be suffering for our relationship while he gets to do whatever he wants to do?"

    "You shouldn't," Leo says as he wraps his arm around Harry's shoulders. "You didn't do anything wrong by leaving, H."

    "God," Harry groans and sits up straight, his eyes wet with incoming tears. "I keep talking about my ex and I can't believe you're still listening to this bullshit. How are you still around me? Like... this can't be beneficial to you in any way. I'm not even divorced yet and I've got two toddlers to worry about. You honestly could do better than me."

    "Harry, please," Leo says quickly, wiping the tears that have managed to already escape Harry's eyes. "You're going through an enormous and difficult life change, I can't expect you to bottle all of your feelings inside for what, the pretence that we're starting a new relationship and everything is perfect and we're both perfect? We're not and we are humans. I was nearly catatonic when I broke up with my ex a couple of years ago, you're handling all this with a lot more grace than most people would while taking care of your family and maintaining your career as well. I love you for you, Harry and I won't leave you because you exhibit normal human emotions. I knew you'd be getting a divorce when we started seeing each other, I took a risk with that I suppose, because I genuinely liked you a lot and it was worth waiting for you. You're an incredible person and my perception of you won't change if you complain about your soon-to-be ex-husband for ten minutes a day. You shared a life with him for so many years, I would be more worried if you were completely aloof about this because I'd be inclined to think you're a sociopath without emotions."

    Harry chuckles wetly and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. "I love you a lot," he says and pulls Leo into a hug. "I'm so thankful I found you. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't."

    Leo rubs his back reassuringly. "I'm glad I found you too. I'm here for you, completely and for anything you need. I love you, very much so."

    And after a long time, Harry believes the man who's holding him.

    A couple of days later, Harry is at Alexa's Christmas party with Leo. It's the first time he intentionally takes him to an event, they go there as a couple because it's useless to hide and pretend like their relationship isn't happening. It all goes okay, there's no tension, mostly thanks to the fact that all of these people are Harry's friends and have known him since way before he had a divorce scandal in the press. There's no judgement and a lot of them have been friends with Leo for a while too, that's how Harry met him in the first place after all, so at least this goes smoothly.

    Harry dances with his friends, dances with Leo and they kiss under the mistletoe like they're kids and not two men in their 40s. Nick teases Harry about everything, saying he placed the bet on the wrong couple for all those years but that he understands and supports Harry. And truth be told, Harry thoroughly enjoys the night. Leo doesn't feel out of place in his life because they share friends, they're having fun together and separately. It isn't vain to think that they're an attractive couple because they are. Not just physically but they fit together well, they understand each other and complement each other intellectually and it's a little baffling to Harry because he and Zayn were always so different. Harry usually came to these parties alone, a lot of the time Zayn didn't even want to come to the dinner parties. Meanwhile, Leo would be here anyway and he invites Harry with him to events his own friends are throwing, and he happily introduces Harry to them and includes him in his life. It nearly makes Harry feel like a teenager with a crush again.

    It's the end of the night when Harry goes to grab his and Leo's coats that he finally checks his phone. And there is a text he really wasn't expecting to get. It's from Zayn, saying: 'Im coming to see the kids and to talk to you on the 22nd. My plane lands in the morning, ill come to yours around midday.'. Harry's hands nearly start shaking when he reads it. Not even two full days. And he has no clue what to expect. He pockets his phone again and doesn't tell Leo anything until the next morning over breakfast.

    "Zayn is coming on the 22nd," Harry says while staring into his coffee as he stands by the kitchen island. "I don't think you should be here when he comes."

    "I'll go to my parents' place a day early," Leo says and Harry hears him moving but he can't lift his eyes up. He quickly feels Leo hugging him from behind, gently enveloping him in a warm hug. Harry puts his hand on Leo's forearm on his waist, unable to get any more words out. "It will all be alright," Leo says quietly. "You've already been through the worst of it. I love you, you'll be fine, baby."

    "I'm scared, Leo," Harry sighs slowly. "For the first time in my life, I don't know what to expect from him."

    "Your divorce is nearly finalised, it can't be anything terrible," Leo says. "It will all be fine, trust me. You'll both get closure."

    "I don't think we could ever have closure," Harry says quietly and he truly means it. Their relationship and their divorce will always be a festering wound inside of them. Over two decades of love and pain, you can't forget that and you can't erase that from everything else it affected. Now they'll have to face each other one last time and find a way to leave their marriage behind without killing each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zayn's heart was broken.

    He had to put the distance between himself and Harry. He missed him wildly, the kids too but he couldn't be around him. The best thing he could do for himself was to try and detach himself from Harry and the life they shared together.

    The whole thing came as a slap. Zayn was anticipating it but he still sort of hoped Harry would realise that Zayn was the love of his life and they were married and they were meant to be together. That it was just a bit of rebellion to make himself feel better, to perhaps piss Zayn off a bit too. Clearly, it wasn't anything like that and Zayn just tried to delude himself into thinking that Harry didn't simply get fed up with him and didn't leave him.

    Zayn completely severed any contact with Harry. He went to New York and he didn't call him, didn't text him. Harry did try to reach out a few times, asking if he wanted to see the twins, that they should talk, but even that stopped after a few weeks. Zayn hated to disappoint Milo and Isla but what could he do? He loved them but Harry always treated them like his children, not their children. It was the truth, they were his children but Zayn noticed how since they were born Harry hated whenever Zayn compared anything they did to Amara or tried to give Harry advice on how to take care of them from his experience with her. He loved them and took care of them but he wasn't going to make his divorce with Harry even worse and even more painful by trying to get joint custody or something. He wasn't losing just Harry but also Milo and Isla but he could try staying in their life to an extent. A weekend a month wouldn't be the end of the world and many biological parents have measly arrangements like that and they manage just fine.

    At the same time, he won't keep Harry from Amara. He had been in her life ever since she was a toddler, she considers him another one of her parents. Milo and Isla can forget about Zayn but Amara can't forget about Harry. She's in her rebellious teen phase, she would see Harry if she wanted to anyway because she has her own phone and her own pocket money, nothing would stop her at all. Zayn can be an asshole but he won't be cruel to his daughter, especially not knowing this could damage his own relationship with Amara. He came to London a few times covertly and met up with her, which Gigi wasn't extremely content with because she wanted him to either come back properly so she didn't have to stay with Harry when she was out of the country or not come back at all and she could start hating Zayn instead of Harry, her words. Zayn has to give it to her, she cares about Amara first and foremost and is ready to give up any petty fights for her well-being.

    After a week-long binge of drinking and smoking, Zayn got a divorce lawyer and decided he was not going to fight Harry. It's not worth it because he realised if Harry was indeed trying to make him jealous, he would show this Leo guy off. He'd show up with him somewhere, he'd "accidentally" bring him around when Zayn was home or do something equally as petty. Instead, Harry completely hid him, and had it not been for Milo, Zayn would've found out about him at the same time as the rest of the world with some tasteful paparazzi photos and a press release. This was genuine which is why it hurt that much more.

    It took Zayn until December to be ready to face Harry again. He talked to him when paparazzi ruined Harry's meticulous plans and he gave into whatever he wanted for the sake of the kids. But it's just before Christmas when Zayn can look at the man he loved for so long and act like his heart isn't completely shattered, with no chance of healing.

    Zayn rings the doorbell. Harry's house is festively decorated and although he lets himself in with the code to the gate, he doesn't open the door himself because it feels wrong. He lived in this house for ten years and ringing the doorbell reminds him of times when they were young and foolish, and they might be the same fools as they used to be, but he hopes they'll handle everything better now.

    Harry opens the door and he looks like a deer in headlights. Zayn is immediately transported to that time many, many years ago when he rang the doorbell just like this, Harry opened the door for him just like this and they broke off their engagement and said some of the cruelest things to each other they ever have. He sincerely hopes history won't repeat itself.

    "Hi. Can I come in?" Zayn asks tentatively. He knows he wasn't the nicest on the phone to Harry, and he wasn't lying, even if he was being blunt but he can't bring himself to cruelty once they're face to face and not separated by an ocean. 

    "It's good to see you again," Harry smiles a little upon seeing that Zayn isn't here for a fight. "Please, do come in." He steps to the side to let Zayn in and locks the door behind them. Zayn looks around after taking off his shoes and coat and nothing has changed. He doesn't know what he was expecting but the house is the same. No new furniture, nothing seems off. But he can't help but wonder if Harry has moved Leo in yet or not. For the sake of the peace, he won't ask.

    "Isla and Milo are in their playroom, they just had lunch," Harry says, almost robotically as they walk through the hallway. "Would you like anything? Water or coffee? Some food?"

    Zayn almost wants to laugh. He's treating him like a stranger, an intruder in his home. "No, I'm okay," Zayn says. "I was at my hotel before I came here. But thanks."

    "Sure," Harry smiles a little. "Let me know if you want anything later."

    "I lived here for ten years, I'm sure I'll be able to locate the kitchen and some water," Zayn chuckles, trying to keep the dig shrouded in rapport. "Should we see the kids now?"

    Harry takes him to the playroom like he's a worker from the CPS and not technically the children's other parent. Milo and Isla are surprised to see him but they immediately get up and hug him. But like all kids, they forget about the time passed and they start telling him about what they've been up to at nursery, about the trip they're going on with their grandma for New Years, what the cats have been doing in his absence. Harry hovers around them, tries to stay as distant as he can but he doesn't leave the room. He sits down in a rocking chair in the corner and pretends to read something on his iPad while Zayn plays with the kids. Eventually, the kids beg him to join their game of playing at a greengrocer with this little set they have and he can't say no to them. For a moment, Zayn almost gets himself to pretend like nothing is wrong, like the past year and a half hasn't happened and they're still a family, they're still happy and they're just playing with their kids a few days before Christmas. Like there are no divorce papers to sign, like Zayn will get to see Milo and Isla all the time and there isn't the chance they're gonna consider another man a father figure instead of him.

    The fairytale ends quickly, even if it's two hours or so, when the twins get sleepy. They still take an afternoon nap and when they start yawning and Isla outright lays down on the carpet, it's very clear that it's nap time.

    "I'll just put them to bed and we can talk, yeah?" Harry says quietly when Isla is nearly asleep, holding a little sheep plushie. Zayn just nods and watches Harry pick Isla up, carrying her on his hip while Milo dutifully follows behind. It tugs at his heart, the familiarity of this routine that he used to be a part of just a few weeks ago really. Now he's effectively a stranger to his own husband. Zayn can't bear to just sit in the playroom and do nothing so he goes to the kitchen and decides to make tea. Harry absolutely despises English tea so he makes a full teapot of decaf green tea because Harry avoids caffeine after 3pm. He takes the teapot and cups, with a small container of honey, to the living room and waits for Harry there. He comes back rather quickly and fails to hide his surprise at the sight of Zayn and the tea in the living room. He smooths his face and joins Zayn on the couch.

    "So what did you want to talk about?" Harry asks, almost nonchalantly.

    "I wanted to apologise for my reaction before I left," Zayn says, completely swallowing his pride. He doesn't want them to be enemies, there was too much love between them over the course of decades that they deserve better. No one could ever replace Harry in Zayn's life, he's well aware of it and if he can't be his husband anymore, maybe one day, whenever that is when his heart heals, they'll be able to be friends at least. "We both said some horrible things," Zayn continues. "And I don't want to leave it at that. I think our history deserves better, we both deserve better and our kids deserve better too. The very least we can do is be civil for them."

    "I'm sorry too," Harry says, without trying to fight about what Zayn said. "I should've told you how I felt earlier. I also should've told you about Leo sooner, asked for the divorce sooner or waited to properly start seeing him. I wasn't trying to, I don't know, piss you off or get payback for that year of cheating or anything. It just happened. I didn't plan it and I was scared of how fast everything was changing."

    Zayn nods. "I get it. I'm not saying it's okay what you did and that it didn't hurt me but I can't change the past now, can I?"

    "No, you can't and I can't either," Harry says quietly. An awkward silence stretches the conversation before he speaks again. "Thank you for coming over. Isla and Milo were asking about you, you know. They missed you."

    "No need to thank me, I missed them too," Zayn smiles a little. "If you're worried about custody, I really mean it that I don't want joint custody or anything. You're their primary parent, I wouldn't do that to you or to them. I know I was quite absent in the past year and a half."

    Harry nods slowly, avoiding Zayn's gaze. He doesn't look at Zayn as his voice is wet as he says, "If you want some more time with them, we could arrange it too."

    "Hey," Zayn says quietly and dares to touch Harry's elbow. Harry turns to him quickly like a wild animal, his eyes wet with tears. "Are you alright?" Zayn can't help but ask.

    "Yeah, I'm fine," Harry says and quickly wipes his face. "I'm sorry, I don't want to be a crybaby as always but I didn't expect you to... I don't know, have any kindness towards me. You made it clear how much I hurt you and god, I don't know. I don't want to be unfair to you with anything regarding the divorce."

    "I hurt you too," Zayn admits. "It took me a while to understand your side of things but... you were kind to me when you tried, when you didn't give up on our marriage right away even though it hurt you to do it. I don't want the divorce to be fatal to whatever affection is left between us. We were friends before we were lovers, I think we owe each other to try and find that friendship now, for the sake of the kids at least."

    "I agree with you," Harry nods. "Let's try to be friends. Especially for Amara, she's not stupid, she understands most of everything that's happening. Do you want a formal agreement about her custody situation?"

    "Not really," Zayn says. "She's old enough to decide where she wants to stay. I'm not really planning to move back to London right now so if she and Gigi are okay with her staying here at your house, I don't have a problem with it. I'll make sure to see her anyway."

    "Alright, I mean, if it's alright with Gigi, you know I'm always happy to have Amara here."

    "You're the one out of the three of us who's on the PTA for her school, I don't think it's anything crazy that she stays at your house," Zayn shrugs, laughing a little.

    Harry chuckles. "That is a good point, I guess."

    "I'll have everything finalised from my side in January," Zayn switches the topic. "All you need to do is sign and you'll turn 42 as an unmarried man."

    "Thank you, I suppose," Harry clears his throat. "I'll be quick with everything too so you don't need to concern yourself with all this for too long."

    "I'm not fussed," Zayn shrugs. "I'm not up to much."

    "Well, what are you up to?" Harry tries to put on his friendly, small-talk act. "Are you recording or anything?"

    Not really, he isn't but that is not what Zayn is going to admit right now. They start talking about mostly meaningless things. The songs Zayn isn't really recording, the wrap party for Harry's latest movie, he tells Zayn about the kids and what they've been doing, about how Amara is a proper teenager with staying up all night and whatnot. It's like two classmates at a reunion, filling each other in on what they've been up to in the ten years they've not seen each other. Zayn can sense that there's a huge elephant in the room that Harry keeps avoiding and when he tells Zayn about Alexa's Christmas party he knows Harry is omitting a lot that happened because he surely wasn't there alone. And while Zayn can try to talk to him normally about things they shared in their life and other neutral things, he will not talk with Harry about the man he left him for. He's not a total masochist yet.

    Isla and Milo come downstairs on their own, sleepy-eyed, asking for a snack. And Zayn knows he can't do any more waiting around while Harry takes care of the kids while he looks in as an outsider through a glass wall.

    "I'm gonna go, Haz," Zayn says and stands up from the couch. "I'll come to see the kids again on Christmas Day or something?"

    "We're going to Cheshire," Harry's eyes are slightly wide with surprise. "But you can call them on FaceTime or something?"

    "Yeah, I could do that," Zayn nods. "I'll get out of your hair now."

    "It was good to see you," Harry says as he stands up. His attention switches from Zayn to the twins quickly. "You wanna say goodbye to baba?"

    The twins attack him with more hugs and he holds them tightly because god knows when he's gonna see them again. He feels the melancholy the second he lets go of them.

    "My little stars," Harry kisses the tops of their heads quickly. "Go to your playroom, I'll be there in a moment with a snack." Obediently, the twins run off to play but not before waving to Zayn again from the doorway.

    "How long are you staying in London?" Harry asks as they slowly start walking towards the hallway. "I assume you'll be spending the holidays with Amara and Gigi."

    "Yeah, I will," Zayn nods. "I'll probably leave before New Years. Don't know yet. I'll see how everything goes."

    "Well, if you want to see Isla and Milo again before you leave, I'll be back in London on the 4th of January," Harry gives him a smile. "And I almost forgot, I have some mail for you here. A few things came while you were gone, let me get it."

    Zayn watches as Harry walks to a chest of drawers in the hallway and fishes out a stack of mail. He still finds him utterly beautiful and he can't forget about how nearly exactly a year ago, they were still together, they were still husbands in the true meaning of the word. Even if they fought, they made love afterward and it was so beautiful Zayn can't forget it now. His mind keeps going back to it when he's got another random girl in his bed. And he can't help himself, not when he steps closer to Harry and says his name. Harry looks up at him and straightens up, a stack of envelopes in hand, his face questioning. Zayn can't help himself as he hungrily grabs his cheek and kisses him after so many months. Nothing happens for a moment as Zayn is reminded of a feeling he always found so joyful, one that he almost forgot, a feeling that he took for granted. When Harry doesn't push him away, Zayn kisses him again. During a glorious moment that lasts just a split second, Zayn thinks Harry is going to kiss him back. But then there are hands on his shoulders and the feeling of paper digging into his neck.

    "You can't do this, Zayn," Harry says once he pushes him away. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and that is what nearly brings Zayn to his knees. They're still legally married to each other.

    "I'm sorry," Zayn says nevertheless, even if he's not sorry at all. "It was like, the whole day and everything. You looked lovely and I was remembering last year and all. Sorry."

    "Just don't do it again," Harry says and he struggles to keep eye contact with Zayn. Why is he suddenly turning into a prude in his fucking 40s?

    "I won't, cross my heart," Zayn tries to joke. "Thank you for today."

    "You're welcome," Harry says and thrusts the mail into Zayn's hands. "I don't mean to kick you out but the twins are hungry and soon they're going to start climbing on the ceiling unless I feed them so."

    "Of course," Zayn says and he walks to the door. "I'll see you... maybe soon."

    "Bye," Harry says to him as he leaves. "And Happy Christmas to you."

    "Happy Christmas."

    Perhaps inadvisedly, Zayn decides to walk. It only makes him feel depressed because it's two days before Christmas and London is incredibly festive, incredibly happy. People walking around present-shopping, going ice skating, carrying special festive coffee cups from Starbucks and smaller places. And here Zayn is, leaving the house that he considered his home for ten years, leaving the man he considered his husband, leaving the children he considered his. He's going to a blank room in an overpriced hotel with a hideous Christmas tree in the lobby and Christmas songs playing in the elevator. Last year, he was at home with his family and he was packing presents for them. They all baked gingerbread together and decorated the tree. He felt at home, he felt happy, even though things weren't perfect. Now everything was a total bloodbath.

    The little saving grace is that he's going to see Amara this year. Gigi might be extremely mean to him for ghosting everyone the past few weeks but at least he won't be alone. He can't blame Harry anymore, not after he came to his senses and realised that they were both wrong. Zayn betrayed Harry and Harry also betrayed him, but while he got someone new he could love out of it, Zayn was left alone and that was his own fault. They both threw away their marriage out of their selfishness. They hurt their kids and they hurt themselves. There was nothing to do about it now.

    Zayn gave himself a New Years' resolution as he walked to his hotel: he was gonna try to find someone new to love. If Harry could repair his shattered heart, so could he. There was no chance for them, Zayn tried, and he can't pine over someone who doesn't love him anymore forever. Not even if it's the love of his life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry's heart was mended.

    He went through a lot of anguish over the past two years but when it's summer and he finds himself on the road with Isla, Milo and Leo, he can confidently say that his heart has healed from everything that happened with Zayn and their divorce. It took some therapy, a lot of writing and a lot of redecorating of the house.

    Christmas was a strange time with Zayn's amiability and his attempt to kiss Harry. Thankfully, it didn't ruin their agreement about having a peaceful divorce and no custody issues. Harry spent Christmas with his family up north, then had a lovely holiday with Leo and by the time he got back to London, Zayn had already left. Two weeks after that, he was signing the divorce papers and he was a free man.

    January was tough and Harry had a low moment when he cried the day he signed the divorce agreement, in bed at night with Leo holding him. It hurt, forsaking so many years of love, of partnership but life changes and he had to move on. He wasn't unhappy, he was mourning. He knew he couldn't ever come back to it but there was happiness in all those years, and so much love he used to feel like he could choke on it sometimes. All that has since dissipated and he cried most of the grief out that night while Leo, someone new Harry put his love into, was holding him and telling him that it was going to be alright, that it is okay to feel grief over something you're leaving for your own good. And he was right because in the morning, Harry woke up with a mild headache but with a clear head and a weight lifted off his chest. He and Leo made love in the morning and took the twins to the theatre in the afternoon.

    Over the course of the next months, to categorise his past and current feelings, Harry went over everything with his therapist and wrote more music in a short period of time than he ever did before. It felt cathartic, to finally get rid of everything that was emotionally weighing him down and for the first time in years, he felt happy almost every day. He didn't fear what a text on Leo's phone would reveal, he knew the man who was with him was with him because he wanted to be, because he loved the current him and he didn't feel an obligation to a twenty-something version of him. It was almost too good to be true but after years of the state of constant heartbreak, Harry decided that he deserved this and nothing less.

    Starting in February, Zayn had Isla and Milo for a weekend every month. The twins enjoyed their time, and Amara was almost always with them too. The arrangement worked fine and Harry texted with Zayn like they were normal people and not villains from a bad superhero movie.

    Harry put an album out in late May, the falling in love one and took the kids and Leo on a short European tour. He had longer breaks between dates so they could sightsee and an easier schedule with two or three dates in one city to both satisfy the demand and make sure the kids could handle it okay.

    Between the Paris and Munich shows, they end up in a lovely chalet in the mountains to unwind for a few days. It's utterly silent, sunny and beautiful with nothing but meadows, hills and mountains around them. The perfect escape between thousands of screaming people every night.

    Harry is sitting on a deck chair outside with a book, sunglasses on and he feels at peace as he lowers the book and watches Leo play some made-up game with the twins in the grass. He can't help but smile as he looks at them because this was a pipe dream to him, from the moment he realised he couldn't keep on with having an open marriage, it seemed preposterous to think that one day he's gonna love someone else and that person would fully accept him, even with all the baggage he's had, even if some of the baggage are two adorable almost four-year-old kids.

    He puts a bookmark in and decides to join them. He plops down on the grass between Isla and Milo, opposite Leo. "What are you rascals up to?" Harry asks as he puts an arm around each kid. "Leaving me out of all the fun I see."

    "Leo is teaching us how to catch grasshoppers," Milo shouts excitedly.

    "And he made me a flower crown, daddy," Isla shows off her crown made out of purple meadow flowers.

    "And I don't get one?" Harry quirks an eyebrow at Leo and amps up the theatrics. Leo shrugs at him with a grin. "Everyone has abandoned me. My own children have forsaken me!"

    "No, daddy, we love you," Isla says and she stands up to give Harry a kiss on the cheek. She hugs him around the neck, squashing her face into his. "But you can't make flower crowns."

    Harry laughs at that and pulls Isla into his lap. "Can you teach me?"

    "I'm the teacher here, sweetheart," Leo quips in. "And Milo wants a bracelet first, isn't that right?"

    "Yeah but I'll let daddy go first if I can try to catch another grasshopper," Milo says. "I want the big green one and I'm gonna put him in a jar and he's gonna be my friend while we travel with daddy because we don't have Bella and Orange here."

    "Thank you, Milo, but I don't think you can keep a grasshopper in a jar," Harry says as he combs his hand through Milo's hair. "They all need to jump in the grass after all, don't you think?"

    "Maybe we could get a box?" Leo suggests. "With some grass and stuff?"

    "You're gonna be saying the inevitable eulogy, not me," Harry shakes his head at him. "So go ahead if you're up for that."

    "What is a eulogy, daddy?" Isla asks, looking up at Harry with her wide eyes. "Is it a poem?"

    "Something like that, sweetheart," Harry says, and he knows he needs to steer away from this topic. "Alright, does anyone want to try going mushroom foraging in the woods? Maybe we'll even find forest blackberries."

    They end up finding two mushrooms that Harry and Leo could 100% identify as edible, they cooked them with some eggs and ended up absolutely hating it but it was worth a shot. The kids go to bed early, tired after a day full of adventure and grasshoppers. It's early enough that Harry and Leo can put a blanket on the grass and watch the sunset while kissing lazily.

    "Are you happy?" Harry asks Leo between bouts of kissing. He caresses his cheekbone with his thumb and he's not afraid of the answer.

    "Yes," Leo replies and it's as easy as breathing. "I didn't think the life on the road for a rockstar included mushroom foraging but with you, I guess even that's edgy and cool or whatever Rolling Stone would write about it. Are you happy?"

    "Very, very, very much so," Harry smiles and leaves a short kiss on Leo's lips. "Couldn't possibly be happier, I think."

    "That is what I like to hear," Leo nods, almost to himself. "I don't think I ever want to see you frown into the distance like you used to when we started seeing each other. I'm happy to see that weird espresso habit you had disappeared too. You have more life behind your eyes."

    "I can't believe you noticed all that," Harry breathes out. "I know I frown a lot when I'm upset but was it really that bad? Did I frown into the distance?"

    "Unfortunately," Leo chuckles a little. "You notice a lot of things when you love someone, I suppose. Your face is an open book, don't ever attempt to play poker, you'll bankrupt yourself, darling."

    "Noted," Harry laughs. "I'll stick to slot machines next time I'm in Vegas."

    "Speaking of Vegas, I started writing down some notes for a screenplay that is set there and I haven't been there in ages so if you're up for a trip, let me know."

    "Oh, Vegas? I love Hacks. Do you know that show? It's older now but so good. Have you seen it?"

    "I don't think I have?"

    "Oh my god, I can't believe I'm dating a man that hasn't seen Hacks. Let's go inside, we're watching it."

    "Like, right now?"

    "Right now!"

    "Can we wait for the sun to set at least?"

    "Fine... you're lucky I love you."

    "I am, I am lucky."

A few days later, Harry is in Barcelona, backstage getting ready to do the show, when his phone chimes in with a text from Jeff. It's a link to a Daily Mail article with paparazzi photos of Zayn with some model/actress girl called Mandy, blonde and taller than him, and they look more than happy on the beach in the Caribbean. Harry doesn't read the article, it's always a bunch of nonsense imagined by either the writer or the celebrity's publicist. But Harry can see that Zayn does look happy and the girl is 32, so she's not tragically young and this can survive for a while, Harry thinks. Jeff then texts him: "I guess you've both gotten yourselves sorted out at last." Harry only sends him the middle finger emoji.

    But Jeff isn't wrong. Harry and Zayn loved each other for so many years but they never loved each other in the right way, they never found a way to work together the way a couple should. Some people are okay on their own but together, they're a nightmare. It seems like this was the case with them and even unimaginable amounts of love and a marriage couldn't change it.

    More than half a year after their divorce, they've both found their way in the world of love with different people. Slowly but surely, they can foster a friendship together and they're both happy, even if it has to be separately. They went through a lot of pain together and Harry would never say that it was a waste of time, that it was in vain, that they made a mistake. They didn't. They loved each other and for quite some time they were happy. Even through all the anguish and pain and hurt, they always had some joyous moments and they'll always cherish those. Not every love is meant to last forever and it is a punch in the gut to accept but that is how life is. Even the greatest love stories rarely survive long term. Romeo and Juliet died after such a short time together and their love will always be remembered even though they're not even real people. Harry and Zayn loved each other for more than twenty years and that is an admirable feat. Most people don't last a quarter of that. They'll always have their memories and their love left a mark on the world. Harry can look back at their life together and be satisfied that he did the best he could and once he couldn't keep it up, couldn't keep up the happiness, he moved on. Some would see it as tragic but ending a love story while there is still love and not bitterness and hatred will always be better than overstaying your welcome and turning sour.