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Michiru snuggled her head against Haruka’s shoulder, still a little cautiously, as if maybe Haruka would pull away. She didn’t. She tugged her closer, pulled her further in. Michiru smiled, and reached over, slowly linking their hands together.
For a while, they just said nothing, both pretending to be absorbed in the movie but both finding it hard to concentrate when they could feel, so intensely, each point at which they were connected. It was all so new, and it was so hard to believe, that this was something that they were allowed to have. For a long time, there had just been The Mission, and now there was just them.
The movie they had picked was a lesbian movie, chosen carefully from the GAY section of the video store, the section with obligatory rainbow markings, just in case you weren’t sure. Neither had been interested much in the film, but both assumed the other, now that they were together, would want to watch stories about other girls falling in love too. And Haruka did, truly. She had a soft spot for romantic films (not that she intended to admit it) and growing up, ever story she had watched, she had imagined herself there, fighting dragons, running away from the thieves, saving the girl, and falling in love, getting the happy ending. She’d never seen herself there, there hadn’t been stories about girls falling in love with other girls, not when she was little. But now, there were. A few only, mind you. Not a lot. And she wanted to see them. Even if still, even now, there were hardly any that were about girls like her, and still, hardly anything she could see herself in.
On the screen, the two women embraced, kissed, held each other. They got their happy ending.
And it made her happy, it did.
But then she looked at the girl beside her. This beautiful girl, with her curling aqua hair, her bright blue eyes and her pale skin. No one on earth would deny her beauty. And she looked….Haruka looked at the women on screen, and then at the girl beside her. Michiru was more beautiful (she was more beautiful than anyone Haruka had ever laid eyes on, that was no lie) but in many ways, she was like the women on screen, with their long hair, their make-up, their lovely dresses. And it was exactly the way she liked Michiru but…..for a moment….memories from her past came back to her, almost like sharp, stinging slaps across her face. Her mother, yelling at her, shouting at her to be a ‘real’ girl, the kids at school who had teased her, and even now, the people on the street who sometimes yelled at her, calling her a dyke out loud, and all manner of insulting words, merely because she looked the way she did.
In many ways, she had moved past that. She knew she was attractive, she knew girls enjoyed her flirting with them but…still, sometimes she couldn’t help but remember, and wonder, when she saw shows like this, whether…..what if Michiru would have preferred her that way? What if Michiru really did want to see her in dresses, make up on? She remembered the girl who’d tried to hit on Michiru once, the one who’d said, I like a woman who looks like a woman. What if Michiru wanted that? What if Michiru deserved that? Michiru was a lesbian, and lesbians liked women….and she….she was a woman too, she knew that, but she wasn’t that kind of woman, she didn’t look like most people’s idea of a woman, and what if…..
A gentle hand cupped her left cheek. “Haruka, are you ok?”
She looked away from her girlfriend, wasn’t sure what to say, didn’t want to say anything. She’d sound so desperate, so pathetic, and if it were true……what could she do? She couldn’t change herself.
“Haruka?”
“I’m fine.”
Michiru gently pulled her face towards her, so that they were looking at each other. “What is it?”
She shrugged. “I was just….just…wondering what you thought of the movie.”
“I didn’t mind it,” Michiru said carefully, and she reached over, stroked Haruka’s hair back, and kissed her lightly on the cheek.
And Haruka couldn’t help it then. She didn’t want to lose this, didn’t want to lose her, not so soon after having found her. “It made me think…..what if….do you……when I was little….I’m not –I’m not like that, I don’t look like that, I’ll never be pretty, I’ll never look like those kind of girls. I’ll always be this …freak, this freak who dresses like I’m not meant to, and you should….I don’t know, maybe you want a girl like that, a girl like the ones in the movie….” She looked away then, scared, worried, that she had said too much.
But Michiru only smiled, and clasped her hand even harder. “Haruka….I….like you the way you are. Exactly the way you are.”
Haruka smiled a bit, but a little warily. “You’re just saying that.”
“No….no I’m not…,” Michiru sighed then, not quite sure she wanted to give away a part of the game. “If you must know…”
“What?”
“I….do have a type.”
“Yeah?” Haruka waited anxiously, waiting for the final blow.
“Yes, and that type is….butch girls,” Michiru finally said, a light blush gracing her face.
Haruka blinked at her. She wasn’t expecting that. “I…..really?”
It was Michiru’s turn to look away, fold her arms, as her blush deepened. “Yes, well….I…I always have…and you….well….I wouldn’t have you any other way. I do like you just the way you are.“
Haruka couldn’t help it, she grinned happily. It was ok! Michiru didn’t want to be with one of those girls in the movie, she wanted to be with her. And damn, rarely did she get to see Michiru blushing, it was mostly Michiru who made her blush, and she looked so adorable, and so cute. Haruka leaned over, pulled her girlfriend into her, kissed her on the nose, and held her close.
Michiru pouted. “Happy now?”
“Yes. Very, very happy,” Haruka said, and she snuggled in, even closer into her girlfriend.