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"No... no... please... no more..." Quinlan pleaded, thrashing against his captors. His pleas went unheard as they shoved him into the water again, mid word.
Quinlan couldn't breathe, so he panicked and struggled more. They removed him from the water and watched him gasp for air, coughing up water.
"Are you ready to cooperate?"
"N-no," he managed. They shoved him back under the water without warning.
Quinlan spluttered and struggled, vision going black as the lack of air hit him hard this time.
When they removed him, he lay limply aside from the coughing on the floor.
"Use your psychometry and let us see what you find, or more for you."
Quinlan whimpered, shaking his head. He couldn't give in. He shouldn't give them anything. But they weren't letting him die. He'd rather die than repeatedly go through drowning again.
This time when they shoved his head under he didn't have the energy to fight it much and ended up falling unconscious, waking up to them using CPR on him.
"I suppose you get a break for now."
Quinlan curled up and cried and cried and cried.
.
"Quin, Quin wake up," Cody whispered, shaking his boyfriend lightly
All that got him was panicked, crying Kiffar wrapping his arms around him, clinging even in his sleep.
Cody sighed and gently wrapped his arms around Quinlan. He sat up and started rocking Quinlan, waiting for Quinlan to wake up. He wasn't going to get anywhere with the usual sorts of methods to wake up a person from a nightmare. Not when Quinlan was like this.
Quinlan calmed down, the tears slowing and drying, the whimpers trickling off into nothing. His clinging softened into snuggling.
Cody kept rocking him, making soothing noises.
Quinlan opened his eyes finally, confused. He wasn't used to waking up from nightmares to a gentle hug.
Cody smiled at him. "There you are, Quin. That was a bit of a nightmare."
Quinlan nodded, leaning in quietly. "It was just that time I spent in the care of Separatists. Wanting me to use my psychometry and 'let them see it'. My psychometry doesn't quite work like that, and they kept half drowning me. Until you arrived."
Cody remembered that. It had been months ago, though.
"You're still having nightmares about that?"
Quinlan sighed and nodded. "Yeah. It... It's not been pleasant. Out of all the torture I've gone through... water is a new one and definitely the worst. Drowning is far more painful than it sounds and I wouldn't wish it on anyone."
"I'm sorry. I wish we'd found you sooner." Cody whispered into his hair.
The 212th had stumbled upon Quinlan during a campaign; if they had gone about things differently, they would have found him sooner. In the aftermath, Cody spent a lot of time with Quinlan as Obi-Wan refused to let his friend spend time alone. It was months later that they started dating, and months since then. It was hard knowing that Quinlan was still suffering from that torture, though he shouldn't be surprised.
"It's okay," Quinlan murmured. "Those things happen. I've certainly endured torture for far longer, and I could've kept doing it. But it was difficult, and it was definitely one of the worst torture experiences."
"You didn't deserve that."
"Probably not," Quinlan agreed. He leaned in more, relaxing his grip. Not being as a clingy was a good sign. Quinlan always preferred touch to none, as he had higher needs of touch than a human, thanks to being Kiffar. Clingy meant he was low on touch or emotionally distressed most of the time. Cuddling without clinginess meant he was calming down and feeling better.
Cody kept up his soothing actions, though. Just in case. If those were helping, he would not stop.
Quinlan let out a breath. "Normally I'm better than this," he admitted.
Cody listened carefully. He loved any chance to get to know Quinlan better especially when Quinlan was being vulnerable. It was hard to get Quinlan to open up sometimes. Sometimes he didn't realize it was something that maybe Cody should know, and sometimes he didn't want to share it with someone who didn't already know.
"I deal with this stuff all the time. I mean, yeah a lot of shadows and up leaving after the first instance of bad torture in their careers, no matter how early or late, giving in or not. It's not comfortable for everyone and I've considered it and sometimes it feels like I can't even go a year without torture."
Cody didn't know what to say to that. He knew that Quinlan loved his work but was struggling with the workload during the war, was starting to struggle more. It was apparent in the way he talked about it even if he didn't acknowledge those feelings.
Quinlan pulled away slightly, fidgeting and looking away as he thought and talked. Cody let him have the space but was ready to pull him back in at a moment's notice.
"I normally do better because I'm used to it. I didn't give in, I got out and everything is healed. There's no reminders from scarring but I can barely take a shower because I freeze up when my head gets wet. I'm still having nightmares. It's getting closer to a year now and it won't leave my head. It usually just lasts a few months, I deal with it and it's gone. Might come up on occasion, especially with the bad ones or scars but..."
Quinlan drew his knees up to his chest. Uh-oh, Quinlan was feeling particularly insecure. Cody would have to tread carefully.
"This time it just won't leave me. I don't know why. I've never dealt with water based torture before, so maybe it was just that. And the nightmares... it's the worst. Sometimes I swear I'm feeling the pain of my lungs burning, the panic of not being able to breath, more panic that I can't get free and I wake up gasping for air sometimes as if I had been holding my breath the entire time when I hadn't been."
Quinlan shuddered. "It was awful, Cody. My lungs ached all the time, after a while it hurt to breathe, my ribs were cracked from them resuscitating me, I've never experienced such panic. I don't panic easily, but it's difficult not to panic when you can't breathe but I should be better than this. I should be over this..." His voice cracked as tears slipped out of his eyes.
Cody shifted and then pulled Cody into another gentle hug. "It's okay, Quin. You're strong, even when you can't see it."
Quinlan shook his head in denial. "I'm not that strong. Took me two months to recover from the lung damage, and even now, though I'm supposed to be fully healed, my lung capacity isn't the same."
"That's okay, Quin. You found a limit, that's okay." Cody remembered something Obi-Wan had mentioned to him when they were 'discussing' Cody's relationship with Quinlan. Really, Obi-Wan had been half threatening him to treat his best friend better, and half giving him tips on the best way to handle Quinlan's moods and issues. And maybe trying to see if Cody would get scared away when Obi-Wan described things like how clingy Quinlan was. Even if Cody wasn't nearly as affectionate as Quinlan was, the relationship was worth it.
Cody slid his hand along the back of Quinlan's neck under his hair, then held his hand at the back of Quinlan's neck as he resumed his gentle hug. That was supposed to be a soothing Kiffar move, something that helped with calm and calming down. Particularly because Quinlan's psychometry would pick up any strong feelings from Cody's bare hand.
Quinlan sniffled and leaned in, clinging once more. "I don't deserve you."
Cody went from gentle hug to tight hug. "You do, Quin. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you. You're kind and gentle and sweet. You don't always show it but I feel privileged to be one of the people who know the truth. You are always trying to do the best for everyone, will even sacrifice yourself and it's a pity no one else sees how good you are."
"But I'm still having nightmares..."
"After the worst torture you've been through, with less of a break, I know you were doing work before you were healed, wrapping up investigations and following what threads you could of others from bed before you were cleared, and in the middle of a war where there is no break. I certainly do better with my own nightmares when I have more downtime. Yeah, they get worse, but then they're better when I'm back to duty."
Quinlan curled around him, not quite returning the hug, but close to it. He had his eyes closed. "I... I guess I hadn't thought about it like that... It's been a lot lately... and it makes things harder in general. You're right. I wish you weren't, that I wasn't so pathetic but... you're right."
"Quin," Cody groaned with exasperation. "Come on. You aren't pathetic. Everyone has nightmares."
"I was just doing my job!"
"And sometimes that can be traumatic. You can't tell me that Obi-Wan doesn't have nightmares about the decisions he has to make, we both have seen it."
"...I hate it when you're right. How did you become so smart and wise when you weren't raised for it?"
"I listen to Obi-Wan's lectures to Anakin and Ahsoka," Cody responded dryly. "And some of the 501st and 212th have a bet about who can make Obi-Wan treat them like Anakin with lectures the most."
That startled a laugh out of Quinlan as he hugged Cody finally, burying his head in Cody's neck. "Sorry to wake you."
"It's okay. I'd rather comfort you than leave you in distress just because I want sleep."
"Oh. Okay." Quinlan went quiet. He was just soaking in the affection, the feeling of safe that Cody's gentle hugs always gave him.
Cody's hugs were like a soft blanket, comforting. It wasn't like the heavy enthusiasm of his Kiffar family that got to be a bit much sometimes. It wasn't like the awkward stiff hugs some people gave him. It wasn't like the firm but still loving hugs of Obi-Wan, Dex, Kit, Aayla and others he considered family.
No, this was something else, and it still felt like love. A love he didn't want to give up.
Quinlan hummed, feeling himself relax as it fully sunk in that he was safe. Cody was never going to judge him for his shortcomings, not for his nightmares. Not for struggling to deal.
"Love you," Quinlan mumbled as he closed his eyes and allowed himself to start drifting back to sleep.
Cody looked down in surprise, then smiled softly and kissed his temple. "Love you too."