Chapter Text
He was panting. He had been practicing for 3 hours with no break. He sat down on the ground and took his water bottle. He opened his phone to see 22 messages and 3 missed calls from the members. He saw the numbers on his phone 01:32. He decided to call Chan.
"FELIX, I've been so worried. Where are you"
"I'm still at the building, I got carried away while dancing"
"It's fine just come home now"
"I will, see you in a bit"
He put down the phone and looked up. He has been trying to avoid the members as much as he can ever since the mistake he has made not even a week ago. He relapsed. They hadn't found out, and his plan was to avoid them until the scars faded. Or faded enough to not notice.
He walked into the dorm building and up the stairs. He was tired already and he knew Chan was going to scold him. He also hadn't eaten that day as he was planning on doing a V live in 2 days with Hyunjin and Lee know. They were talking about what food they should eat during it. Felix wanted to get rid of the fats of his cheeks. He felt like a failure every time the scale went up even if it was just a single gram. He opened the door of the dorm and was greeted by Chan. Chan was sitting at the table with his laptop and a cup of coffee next to him.
"Finally, you're home. You know how worried I was. I called you 3 times on 3 different hours. God I was about to call a manager."
"I'm sorry"
"I- just get some food and go sleep"
Chan patted Felix's shoulder as Felix went to the kitchen. Felix wasn't planning on grabbing food but he knew Chan didn't approve of his diet. After Chan got back to his laptop, he snuck to his shared room with Changbin who was already asleep. Chan was obviously still working but Felix didn't want to talk, even if it meant Chan could rest as well.
Felix made sure to wake up a little later than the rest so he had to rush and skip breakfast and avoid everyone. They first had vocal practice before they had dance practice.
It was dance practice. He was trying his absolute best even though his muscles were still sore from yesterday. Around mid-time he started feeling dizzy
"Felix, are you okay? You look pale" Jisung asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll drink some water"
Felix sat for 5 minutes sipping water. The dizziness went away just enough for him to continue. After dance practice Chan pulled him to the side.
"Don't stay overtime, when we're back, I'll take your temperature to make sure you're not getting sick"
"Fine"
Felix said and walked away to the bathroom. He couldn't help but feel nervous and uncomfortable around the other members. Not because they were mean or rude. It was because they loved him so much, he was afraid of becoming a burden to them. He splashed some water in his face and filled his water bottle. He got a notification on his phone. It was from Chan saying the vans were there to take them back to the dorm.
He walked outside the building as the sun was about to go under. He could see it slowly disappear into the high buildings. He stepped inside the van as the last one. He sat beside Changbin. He was tired from everything. It was pretty exhausting to train every dance practice in hoodies to hide his not healed scars, or even still wounds. He started to feel his eyes drifting away as he got softly shook awake by Changbin. His eyes shoot open the second he realized he fell asleep on Changbin’s shoulder.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep"
"It's fine Felix" changbin reassured while messing up Felix's hair.
"I'm too tired to walk" Felix said almost falling back to sleep again.
"I'll carry you inside" changbin suggested.
"No, I'm too heavy. Just wait until I gain back some energy"
"Felix you litterly weigh nothing. I bet any of us can lift you. The only one not being able to lift you right now is you so let us help you" Hyunjin said as he put his hand on Felix's forehead and tried to get his hair out of his eyes.
Felix got picked up by Chan before he could argue about it and not even seconds later, he fell asleep in his arms while being carried inside the building.
"Hyung, do you think Felix is sick?" Seungmin asked Chan.
"Maybe, we will see. Hyunjin, could you give me the thermometer?"
Hyunjin did what's told and Chan put it under Felix's tongue. As it started beeping Chan pulled it out.
"He doesn't have a fever but he is very warm. Maybe take off his hoodie. Is he wearing anything under it?"
Jisung checked at the neck of his shirt.
"Yeah, he is wearing a shirt"
With that Chan took off the hoodie. Luckily Felix was wearing a long-sleeved shirt that day. Felix was sweating like crazy.
"Okay, let's just make dinner while Felix rests."
Lee Know made curry for all of them with help of IN. During this Chan, Changbin, Hyunjin and Jisung were by Felix's side while seungmin set the table. When the food was ready Felix got woken up again and sat at the table. He was still a bit tired but when he sat at the table, he realized he wasn't wearing his hoodie and let out a relieved sight as he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt.
Felix had half of his food before he excused himself for being too tired to eat. He got on his bed and went straight to sleep.
This continued on for about 2 months. It was getting close to a comeback now. They were recording lines and Felix was excited because he had more than usual. He was happy he was improving on vocal and physical. Stays have said to be worried about Felix but he was still avoiding the members as much as possible and Felix felt the most loneliest he had ever been. He relapsed again a week ago. After the scars almost faded enough. No one has confronted him about it. They only gave concerned and worried looks.
He started skipping dinner more to the point he doesn't remember when it was the last time he ate a full meal.
He woke up. Took a quick shower. Skin care. Got dressed. It was nearing summer so it was getting hotter and Felix was wearing more long-sleeved shirts than hoodies. During dance practice that day Chan asked Felix to join his V live that day. he agreed as he wanted to provide as much content for stay as possible.
They went into Chan's office and as Chan was setting up the live, he asked Felix if he was okay.
"I'm fine"
"But you don't look fine. I don't remember the last time I saw you eat a proper meal. And your always hiding away. And I talked to the other members and you haven't been talking to them either."
"I've just been busy improving myself"
"Felix, what do you mean."
"Let's just start the V live"
Chan sighted but did it anyways. The comments were full of comments of Felix. His cheeks were sunken in and his long-sleeved shirt was way too big on him. Felix stared at the comments while fake smiling. He was cracking jokes with Chan and he hadn't felt so loved in way too long. He hadn't felt such happiness in so long.
When the V live ended Felix hugged Chan and didn't let go. He started letting the tears flow which he had been holding in for months now. He knew he was supposed to be distance but he couldn't take it anymore. He fell to the ground and Chan was still holding him.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine" Felix said through his tears and sobs.
Chan wasn't stupid. He obviously knew something was wrong with Felix.
"Let's go back to the dorm, okay?"
Felix shook his head. He didn't want to move. He couldn't, if he left, so would the warmth of Chan's body that he had been missing so badly. Chan stayed until Felix fell asleep.
Chan picked Felix up and noticed he'd gotten lighter once again. A little too light for his liking. You could feel his bones more than his skin. He then realized he should've acted on the red flags instead of waiting for Felix to come to him.
After Chan got them into the dorm, he called Lee know.
"What's up Chan"
"Can you make some soup for Felix. Or something easy to eat, light on the stomach"
"Of course, why though?"
He looked at sleeping Felix before answering.
"I think Felix has an eating disorder"
You could see color in Lee knows face flush away.
"A- an eating disorder? Are you sure? How haven't we noticed before? He always skips meal how haven't I noticed before"
Lee know panicked and was saying stuff a little too loud. Jisung and Hyunjin entered the room and questioned what's going on.
After explaining the situation Hyunjin and Jisung immediately hugged Felix and didn't have any plans on letting go.
After about an hour Felix woke up and saw he was once again surrounded by love.
"Hi Felix" Hyunjin whispered in Felix's ear making Felix blush.
"FELIX MY BRO WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN CUDDLING ME?!"
"Because I go to sleep early"
It wasn't a lie. It was an excuse he had made up himself in his head.
Hyunjin helped Felix sit up and Lee know gave Felix some soup with bread sticks.
"Why are you all here?" Felix asked
"Honestly, because we're worried about you"
"There is nothing to worry about" Felix said forcing out a smile.
"You say this but we are not stupid Felix"
"What he means is. We've noticed you acting distance and you have been losing way too much weight. Also, I just genuinely miss you"
Felix placed his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder not even looking at the food on his lap. After a while he started eating his soup and two bread sticks. Felix was lifted up and brought to his bed by Hyunjin. Hyunjin made sure Felix got everything for a good night of sleep before joining Felix in his bed.
After a week Chan and Felix decided to talk to a manager about it. Felix had agreed to go into recovery as long as he didn't need to get cut from schedule. Felix hadn’t told anyone about the scars. He hadn’t done it anymore, and the members were worried enough with his eating.
What he did like about recovery was the attention. Obvouisly Stays hadn’t been told about his eating disorder but the attention he’d been getting from his members. In some sick part of his brain, he liked the attention. He liked that he was forced to eat 3 meals a day by Chan. He like how Hyunjin stayed with Felix the whole day. He liked the amount of cuddles he’d been getting.
“I love you”
“I love you too”
All the members started getting way more affectionate with him. As if they were afraid he’d break again. When he was had officially ‘recovered’ by the doctor he felt scared.
Would they act the same as before? Would they stop caring?
But the truth was. They didn’t. They might have been a little less affection than when he first begun recovery but Hyunjin still never left his side. Chan still made sure he was eating at least 2 meals. Jisung still cuddled him while watching a movie, And Lee Know still cooked whenever Felix asked for something.
Changbin still ruffled Felix’s hair to reassure him of something. Seungmin still held Felix’s hand when he noticed he was getting scared or panicked and IN still treated him as if nothing happened. He liked getting the extra attention but he also appreciated IN for being his little brother. IN also never hit him with a pillow with half power only, like real siblings.
Everything was going great with recovery. He finally felt enough and like a real sunshine.
Until his father called him.