Chapter Text
Blood. All I see is dried, dark red blood on the cemented ground. It's uncanny how death creeps spinelessly before swallowing you wholly. My vision is blurry and it's hard to see but I can feel the wetness of my blood on the back of my peach pink floral dress. It goes from the collar of my dress to the end of my spine. My eyes hardly focus on the hazy image of streetlights in small holes filled with the rain water. I have never been so aware of my surroundings before. My dad's voice rings in my head. 'You never pay attention to anything it's like you're living in a different world.' a soft chuckle tries to leave my mouth but an unexpected cough almost chokes me and only more blood makes it out. My teeth press against each other. A side effect of the bitter aftertaste. My jaw clenches from the madness of all of this. I should feel violated. My personal space has been invaded. Hell, I think I'd been attacked. Brutally. Mercilessly. My skin stings. I can't tell where. I hear people talking and laughing but they're far away from me. They're walking past me like I'm not here. Like I'm invisible. I can be imaging it. It's like there's a thin curtain between me and the real world. But my eyes avoid unseeing. My nose is full of an acrid smell, I try to turn my head away from the unpleasant scent but it's everywhere and some sort of paper touches my face. The paper crackles in my ear. It's a food wrapper. It's a little dark so I can't be sure but I'm guessing it's silver and it smells strangely familiar. It's a poptart wrapper. My favorite breakfast as a child. My mind goes back to my childhood unconsciously. To the time everything was there to be felt. Only felt because no matter what the feeling was, I could feel it. My smiles used to reach my eyes and my tears used to make a sound when they fell. Mom smelled like heaven and fresh apples and dad was undeniably superman. I knew nothing but I knew more than I know now. There's no doubt my poor choices brought me to this place. I wonder if the little me knew our destiny was to bleed to death in a...in a dumpster. Left here to die like a piece of trash. Spoiled food. Broken doll. Unwanted and unimportant. Worthless. Every ounce of me is screaming 'I refuse!' But my neck hurts so bad the only thing that I manage to do is whimper silently. I never thought I can be this vulnerable. This fragile. Apparently, it takes a good amount of brokenness to understand this. And like everything else, I had to learn it the hard way. I hope they find my body. A shameless part of me wants flowers. I want people to cry after me. The voice in my head has gone quieter. The screams defeated, it's only a sad echo of hallucination now. 'Rememebr me, please.'
Self pity shivers down my spine with the still running blood and I think about the person I could've become. Only if I had more time. Only if God wasn't this cruel. Only if I had stayed at home tonight. I hold my purse tightly. This was mine. Identify me. Find me, please. I was me. A person. A person who used to wear floral dresses and smelled like summer. Know that I loved early sunrises and watered my mammillaria three times a week eventhough it's a cactus. I believed my flower-crowned cactus felt my love in the water in its green veins. Know that I adored my six months old kitten eventhough she's a black cat. I hope they don't forget to feed her when I'm gone. I hope you know I was so much more than this stinky corpse. I don't even know what's the point of all of this anymore. What am I supposed to learn from this, huh? It's only a matter of time because of course I couldn't die in a split second. It'd be tragic but it'd be better than this joke I'm living to see. Maybe I'm already dead and this is just my own personalized version of hell. That makes more sense. In that case, God must know that his torturing skills suck. I'm not sorry for anything, you asshole. You hear me? You left me alone for the bears and wolves to pick, poke and bite and expected me to do what? Smile and be a good little angel? Have faith in the God that let that monster tear my neck apart and leave me in a dumpster like he's cleaning up after his meal? The least you could do was to give me an easy death but no, I have to suffer till my last breath for sure. I'm denying all my crimes. 'You' gave me a heart that could easily be broken. 'You' gave me a brain that could easily be tricked. So, big guy, listen when I tell you I crossed every boundary and broke every rule and I absolutely meant it all. What else can you possibly do to this pathetic slaughtered sinner?
A strong hand grips my neck and pulls me out of the dumpster. I'd gasp if I could. If he wasn't squeezing the air out of my windpipes with his freezing cold long fingers. If he wasn't giving me his glare of contempt that is empty of everything I know and full of something unrecognizable. A black ring neighbors the iris of each stone gray eye, holding the infection hostage and stopping the spread of his rotten stillness. With all the offense taken, I have to admit it. My murderer is unequivocally beautiful. His tender black eyelashes get in a line like devoted soldiers as he closes his eyes and loosens his iron grip. His sharp cheekbones stretch his glowing white skin. I forget my concerns about my uncertain, unfortunate future as all my present becomes his and his belongings.
He opens his eyes and breaks the stare immediately. Hot spots stay where his fingers used to touch me as he lets go of me only to skillfully slip a gentle arm behind the small of my back. He holds me in his arms, the tip of my nose rests in the pit between his throat and shoulders and I inhale his rich aromatic fragrance until the moment white melts into black and gray covers my vision. My neck slowly and lifelessly falls on his left shoulder.