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It's a pleasantly quiet day at the cafe. Many people have come by, but they're taking their orders with them to drink them outside in the sun. This is the time when Tsukiyama prefers to sit inside: most of the tables are empty and no one comes to bother him.
There is only one customer besides him staying in. The boy, barely a man, has been reading his book for an hour now. He's engrossed with the pages, and Tsukiyama recognises the cover. It’s a good book, so he can't blame him.
He wonders if he should've taken something to read with him as well. Watching the employees wipe cups dry is about as entertaining as watching a snapweed drop its petals in real time.
The bell rings again, and he looks up out of habit. He suppresses a sneer when he spots the woman. Vile creature with no manners to speak of, at least not when eating. If Rize's gluttony wasn't such a core part of her personality, he would've tolerated her. He has tolerated her, but recently she had been absolutely repulsive company, doing nothing but poking fun at everything about him, calling him a nitpicker and a gullible elitist.
He averts his gaze back to his cup, bringing it to his lips. She passes by, hint of a victorious smile on her face. She's reveling in the joy of causing Tsukiyama to feel uncomfortable, and it's making him hate her even more. A disgusting carnivorous weed, fouling the air with the stink of her smugness.
The boy on the other side of the room wakes up from his trance when he hears a chair being moved. She's sat two tables away, right across from him. Tsukiyama glances at the boy, seeing his face flush. He hides behind his book, taking quick glances over the top. She isn’t paying him any attention, and Tsukiyama knows it’s on purpose. He feels bad for the boy for being so blinded by her blooming flowers to see her thorns. It’s obvious he’s become her prey.
He's seen him around, the boy who likes to read, many times by now. He comes alone, reading his books while obviously waiting to see Rize. It’s not the first time he’s seen another ghoul trying to seduce their prey, so he loses interest fast. He had only paid attention in the first place because it he knew the ghoul in question.
He hasn’t looked at either of them for several days now, but today is different. The boy has a friend with him. They’re causing a lot more noise together, drawing him away from his work. They’re not an unusual sight, but there’s something about the other boy that unnerves him. He sees how keenly those deceivingly warm eyes follow the much more oblivious kid. Even when talking to their waitress, his eyes are soon flicking back to the one sitting across from him, taking in every micro-expression in a fraction of a second.
At first he thinks it’s love, intense infatuation which make humans stare at one another when the other isn't looking, but they aren't stares. They are glances, practiced habits for observation for a single human being. It’s far from natural.
He doesn't mind them. One observing the other doesn’t concern him in the slightest. If the gaze was fixed on him, he would, but it seems he truly only has eyes for a single person in the cafe. No one is paying any attention to him at the moment, not even Touka who had glared at him when he had first entered.
He’s finished his coffee, the last drop forming a dark brown circle on the bottom of the cup. He considers another cup, but a quick glance at the clock tells him he shouldn’t. He could lose sleep if he took more caffeine, and he preferred his current routine to be left intact.
There’s not much more left for him to do today. His laptop, safely inside his bag, is already filled with all his current assignments. The tip he leaves Touka is generous; he knows it pisses her off when he tips her, but he still believes she deserves it for the coffee she serves. It might not be the best in the ward, but it comes quite close.
He opens the door, glancing over his shoulder out of habit. Someone’s standing behind him, so he naturally holds the door open. The one he's dubbed the Observer, looks up at him in surprise. He flashes an easy-going grin as he steps through.
“Thanks.”
The eyes don’t leave him. He stands there awkwardly for a moment, as he feels everything about him is being taken in in a matter of seconds. He breaks through his daze and manages to utter out:
“My pleasure.”
He closes the door, and the Observer has already turned around to walk in the opposite direction, but he still feels like he’s under surveillance. He walks away. Just for the peace of his mind, he takes out his phone, using its screen as a mirror to look behind him. Observer has turned his head to take a look at him. It doesn’t make sense. Why is he looking him? The heavy stare is making his skin crawl uncomfortably.
“Hey.”
For some reason he’s expected this to happen. It isn’t the first time he’s seen the Observer back at the cafe. He’s been there with his friend, but this is the first time he’s come alone. He had immediately made his way to Tsukiyama’s table.
Tsukiyama looks up expectantly, trying to hide his worries. He’s always been a good actor, he’s been perfecting his act since childhood. His pretense should fool even the toughest of doves, but right now he has the creeping feeling his mask is falling.
“Hello.”
“You mind if I sit here?”
“I… Suppose not, but-” The boy immediately pulls out a chair and plops down on it. “-why sit here, when there’s plenty of space?”
What he receives is a shrug and nothing more. They sit there, the Observer watching the people move on the street. Tsukiyama doesn’t like the silence. The pressure is building around him, and he frantically tries to think of something to say.
“You’re alone today?”
“Hm?” The Observer looks back at him, seemingly not having expected him to strike up a conversation. “Oh. Yeah. He got stuck in the hospital yesterday.”
“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that.” He hadn’t expected that. Maybe he should’ve. Had Rize attacked him and he had been lucky enough to escape? Did the boy in front of him hope for some company as his friend was unwell?
“Thanks, although it was mostly his own stupidity. Say, what do you think about ghouls?”
He doesn’t like that question. He doesn’t know how to answer it, he never has. Is he supposed to lie, say he hates them, like any other human being? Should he deny their existence? Maybe he should try to defend them, but that would raise suspicion, so maybe not.
“I… Don’t know.”
“Just what do you think they’re like? Horrible monsters, a conspiracy made by the government to hide their secrets, an unknown military force of cannibalistic superhumans, aliens, our rightful overlords, humanoid subgroup brought to existence by evolution?”
The choices presented to him are so different from each other, some of them being so ridiculous that he almost wants to laugh.
“Um, I’m not...” He might’ve sensed Tsukiyama doesn’t know how to continue.
“I think they’re sad creatures. Having to live secretly amongst the ones who are afraid of them and hate them.”
Just what is he trying to accomplish? He sees no point in this conversation. Who even asks these sort of questions from a total stranger?
“Hey, you gonna eat that?”
A calloused finger points at the untouched pastry sitting next to his cup of coffee.
“You can have if you want it.” He’s so confused he’s lost his 'appetite'. His brain is trying decode what has happened, but he only ends up with more questions. He doesn’t even know this kid, that is making him feel so uneasy.
“May I ask what your name is?”
“Oh, sorry, it’s Nagachika Hideyoshi.” He had expected him to stuff his face, as it would’ve fit the impression he’s left on him, but instead he cuts the pastry in neat pieces and eats them one by one.
“A pleasure. Tsukiyama Shuu,” he offers in return. “Nagachi-”
“Please just call me Hide, it’s weird when people use my last name.”
“Then, Hide-kun, why are you asking me these questions?”
Hide shrugs again.
“No reason. Okay, that’s a lie, everything has a reason, but it’s nothing serious. My friend Kaneki, the one in the hospital, just got attacked by a ghoul. I saw her that day, but I guess I never really could’ve expected to see one just like that, right in front of me.”
So he had been right. The boy had been lucky, to be alive after being attacked by Rize. He hadn’t heard of many humans being able to escape from a ghoul as bloodthirsty as her.
“I see.”
“Hey, I know this is sudden, but do ya wanna meet again, Tsukiyama-san?”
It is sudden, but he’s stopped from expecting nothing but the unexpected. Meeting again… It’s not something he opposes, no matter how much Hide is unnerving him. The longer he’s stayed around him, the less he’s noticed the glances directed at him. Maybe he’s becoming desensitised; maybe that’s what has happened to Hide’s friend as well.
He gives a tentative nod. Hide’s smile is surprisingly warm and pure.
“Great! Tomorrow then?”
The day is cloudy, like most in the season. Autumn is always so bleak in Tokyo, and most of the time he prefers to stay abroad ‘til the season passes. Somewhere, where the warm colours are truly shining. Even the rose garden is void of colour as the bushes hibernate through the winter. He only has the comfort of flower shops to turn to, when trying to find something worth looking at.
Hide immediately takes notice of the newest findings he’s bought before arriving at the cafe.
“Flowers?”
Tsukiyama rests the bouquet against the leg of the table. White narcissus and bells of Ireland show through the see-through plastic wrapping. He truly is hanging onto the last of summer’s joys with his choices. Next time he’d be buying something more befitting the season. Perhaps a mauve carnation accompanied by purple heathers. It’d be the holidays soon after all.
“I passed a flower shop on my way here and decided to stop by. I thought it’d liven up my work desk with all the papers covering it.”
Hide hums as he tries to take another peek. “So what are they? Isn’t that white one a daffodil? The green one looks weird.”
“You are correct about the daffodil, and the ‘weird-looking’ is known as bells of Ireland. The bouquet has some white anemones near the bottom but they’re covered by the paper.”
“Huh. Weird names for weird flowers. So you like ‘em? Flowers, I mean.” Hide sits back down, leaning his head on his hands.
“I do.” They’re one of the most beautiful things in the world, if he were asked. People say their beauty is fleeting, but he finds the sentiment untrue. Even if they died, more would always sprout even through the harshest of soils.
“It kinda suits you, that type of interest.”
He’s taken aback. The tone isn’t even the slightest bit teasing; instead Hide sounds like he’s complimenting him.
“I… Thank you?”
The grin stretches across Hide’s face. Tsukiyama can make out the laugh lines on his face. He’s the type who smiles a lot. Happy and carefree.
“You’re welcome.”
I want to hear him laugh. And he does, multiple times. It’s loud and makes people look, and hearing it makes Tsukiyama feel warm.
Hide had wanted to meet him again. Tsukiyama had been the one to ask. After asking he had felt so jittery he had to sit on his hands to keep them from moving around like thousands of ants were running up and down inside of them.
"You like flowers a lot, don't you?" Hide chatters as he takes the sunflower Tsukiyama offers him. This one is something he had specifically looked for, but he doesn’t say it out loud. To him it had been an obvious choice, but he had been nervous to present it to him.
"You think so?" The question is rhetorical, presented with a playful tone with a sarcastic edge to it. For some reason he feels even more nervous, now that Hide’s accepted it. He knows he’s going to babble but can’t bring himself to a stop:
"In the old times I might've taken up on botany. The plants have many uses and meanings. Medicine, decoration, spices and food, messages... Although the last one has become so muddled over time, and almost every language of flowers book has its own definition for each flower and plant. It’s mostly the fault of every culture having its own history with each one, and same flower having multiple meanings, so they have easily gotten mixed up. There are some that have been ingrained better than others, like twelve red roses. To me the meanings are more personal than based on books, though."
Hide touches the petals with gentle fingers. They’re soft and pliant. Must be fresh.
"So the sunflower? What meaning does it hold to you?" Hide doesn’t seem to mind his moment of nervous babbling, actually finding his thoughts interesting.
"Um... The sunflower follows the sun, every day. It turns itself around, changing the direction it faces to always see the sun. It reminded me of you, and your friend. He's your sun, isn't he?"
Hide stays silent for a while. It's true he follows Kaneki, whenever he can, no matter how hard it is. He’s done so for years, and it’s become second nature to him. But lately he hasn't been as attentive and he knows why.
"Maybe it's different from the normal? Instead of the sun..." He looks up from the flower he's holding at Tsukiyama. "It follows the moon."
An uneasy silence falls between them, heavy and brittle. Tsukiyama doesn't know what to make of the words. Hide thinks over what he's spouted and an embarrassed flush rises on his cheeks.
"That was, uh..." he begins. "That was pretty lame."
Tsukiyama looks down at the rest of the flowers he's holding in his hands. The starflowers he had bought for himself look so fragile and small. He takes a deep breath, trying his best to respond:
"I... I guess the moon's still glad. That there's someone following it. It has the moonflowers, but they only bloom one night a year."
Hide feels a lump in his throat and he desperately tries to swallow it down. He had suspected that Tsukiyama didn’t have many people beside him, but hearing it from the man himself sounded woeful.
"Has it... Has it been lonely? The moon?"
It takes a while for him to answer. It’s not that he doesn’t want to say it, but it’s hard for himself to admit it.
"...It has, yes." There's no need for him to hide it. Hide probably already knew it. A part of him believes that everything, everything there is to know about him, Hide will always find out. He doesn't even need to try; he doesn't even want him to try, because Tsukiyama wants to give everything to Hide himself. There is a moment he considers telling him everything, but the rational part of him promptly shuts such attempts down.
Hide bites his lip, his fingers twitching to reach out towards the hand of the man standing next to him. Would it be too much? He clenches his hand into a tight fist, knuckles turning white as snow. He doesn't want to ruin this by rushing blindly. He clears his throat, trying to backtrack into a safe territory:
"What do you think Kaneki would be? A scentless camellia?"
Tsukiyama seems glad about the diversion from his sorrowful thoughts. They’ve talked about Hide’s friend even after the time he found out that Rize had attacked him and how he had survived. Tsukiyama feels something is off by the way Hide looks so guilty when talking about anything related to the incident, but he isn’t pushing any boundaries. He has no right to, nor does he want to make Hide wear such a tired smile.
"You must be thinking Camellia japonica. They do have scent, but nothing like his. I reckon he’d be a myosotis type of flower.”
"Myo-what-now?"
"Forget-me-not. A small blue flower with five petals. He has a different type of scent from C. japonica, albeit just as weak. Although that only applies during the day. That is when it often gets hidden under all the others. During the night its fragrance gets stronger."
If the sad name takes Hide by surprise, the description Tsukiyama provides fits absurdly well. It’s almost hard to believe Tsukiyama would compare Kaneki to such a flower by simple chance. He could almost call it fate.
"Ah... That does suit him," Hide laughs. The sound of it is melancholic and leaves him staring at the clouds above his head with an absent minded gaze.
Tsukiyama doesn't question him further about it. He doesn't particularly need to know, if Hide doesn't want to explain himself. And if Hide’s laugh is so solemn, he might not trulywant to know.
Tsukiyama wonders if what they’ve been doing can be counted as dating. They haven’t done anything explicitly romantic, nor have they talked about it, but meeting just between the two of them for several weeks sounds like dating to him. He had even asked Hori, but she had simply shrugged and kept on browsing through her pictures on her camera.
He didn’t dare to ask Hide directly, just in case he was wrong and he’d accidentally ruin whatever they had between them.
He had agreed to accompany him to the game store after Hide’s shift at work ended. He doesn’t know where it is, but he suspects a supermarket or such, as far as he could tell by Hide’s attire from when had first seen it. Hide had told him to wait by the flower shop near the station; he keeps picking spots to meet up at with flower shops nearby. Whether he’s trying to humour Tsukiyama or he knows Tsukiyama would be bringing a flower anyway and tries to make it easier for him, Tsukiyama doesn’t know.
He goes along with it, though, always trying to find something new and special for Hide. After the sunflower he has brought a flower whenever they’ve met up. Hide had first opposed to it, trying to explain he wasn’t good at keeping them alive very long and they ended up dying in a day or two. Instead of listening to him, Tsukiyama had taken it upon himself to find the prettiest flower in the shop before each reunion and gifting them to Hide. After the fourth one Hide had given up, taking each flower without a complaint.
It’s a small shop, one near the station they had promised to meet, and the selection is scarce. Despite it, he plans on digging through each and every row to find the perfect one. His mission seems hopeless when he actually looks at the condition the flowers are in. The arum lilies are browning from their edges, the Canterbury bells have spots on them. Asters are missing petals. The red chrysanthemums are wilting in their vase. He tries to find even one that would be in a fairly good condition and spots a smaller yellow mum in their midst. With a content sigh, he raises it up, signing to the shopkeeper he wishes to purchase it with a wave of his hand.
In front of the agreed spot, he sees Hide waiting for him, lifting his cap to wipe off the sweat from his forehead. He must’ve had a busy day, Tsukiyama ponders, glad he could offer the something to Hide for coming to see him despite of it. Upon his arrival, Hide takes the single flower from him, thanking him softly. Tsukiyama nods, taking deep breaths to slow down his heart rate, which had suddenly picked up its pace. His hands are shaking again, a common occurrence around Hide these days, and he imagines holding onto his hand. His face feels hot and he hopes it doesn’t show.
The game store is crowded and he tries to keep close to Hide to not lose him in the crowd.
“It’s been a few days since the new version got released, but it looks like I didn’t wait long enough for most of jam to disperse. Guess I got a bit impatient,” Hide laughs, ruffling his hair with his free hand. He keeps the flower close to his body, evading from side to side to keep it from being squished.
“So you know what you’re looking for?”
“Yeah,” Hide replies, craning his neck to see where they’re supposed to be headed. “Hey, can you tell which side has the games and which the consoles?”
Despite being the taller of the two, it takes a few attempts from Tsukiyama to see clearly over everyone’s heads.
“The consoles are on the left, games on the right.”
“Nice, thanks. I’m gonna push through, so give me your hand.” Hide reaches out behind him without looking. Tsukiyama doesn’t allow himself time to panic; he grabs on tightly and gets immediately pulled through the masses. He wonders how Hide manages to do it, pushing through the crowd like an icebreaker. When they slow down, his grip tightens subconsciously. He wants to feel the rough skin on Hide’s fingertips against the side of his palm more than anything at the moment. His longing is greater than his fear of causing discomfort to Hide, and when they halt, he doesn’t let go. His heart is beating like a marching band’s drum. Half of him wants to freeze, the other half wants to run away.
Hide glances at him, and when their eyes meet Tsukiyama hears nothing but his blood rushing in his ears. He feels dizzy from anxiety, his gaze beginning to unfocus from Hide’s face. He sees Hide blink slowly and turning back towards the shelf.
The sound of footsteps and chatting, and the beeps of the cash registers return one by one. His heart's still racing, but the anxiety has dissolved from his mind and body. There is no need for him to let Hide’s hand go, and with that notion, he loosens his grip for a more comfortable hold. Hide squeezes his hand in response, and a small, pleasant shiver runs up Tsukiyama’s spine.
Hide’s apartment is messy but clean. There is no dust, from what Tsukiyama can see, but items are spread in places they normally shouldn’t be. Upon entering he had found cords hanging from the coat rack: Hide explains that they absolutely have to stay untangled like that. The keys are left on top of his shoes (so he doesn’t forget them when leaving), his wallet is left in the fruit bowl (so he knows he needs to buy more food), and other seemingly random affiliations between places and objects.
“It works for me, so who cares if it seems a bit messy. I don’t get that many guests anyway,” he says when Tsukiyama asks about each new thing that sticks out for him. Hide is clearly a sociable person, and he knows he has a large social network, so it seems odd he doesn’t have visitors from time to time.
“Is there a particular reason people do not come over?” he dares to inquire. Does he not like letting people in his home?
Hide shrugs.
“I guess I haven’t had any reason to invite anyone before.”
Tsukiyama wants to ask what his reason to asking him over is. It had been rather sudden; Hide had mentioned wanting to eat dinner soon and had invited him to join him. So there he stands, confused, watching as Hide pulls out a pot of pre-prepared stew to heat up on the stove. His scatterbrain mind briefly wonders where all the flowers Hide has received from him are. He had the newest one his hand a few seconds ago and now it’s nowhere to be seen. Hopefully not in the trashcan, he ponders, not really believing Hide to have done such a thing.
Hide sees his guest’s stiff posture, as he stands around doing nothing, and waves towards the kitchen table. He wants to make Tsukiyama feel more at home, and standing around like a lost lamb isn’t very comfortable looking.
“Sit down, sit down. It’s gonna take a while to cook.”
His limbs stay stiff, with his movements rather clumsy. There’s nothing graceful about him right that moment, but Hide courteously turns his head towards the pot to save Tsukiyama from the embarrassment. It’s not that he minds, but Tsukiyama does and addressing it would only make it worse.
Hide hums the tune of the song that has been stuck in his head that day, drumming his fingers against the edge of the stove. He feels Tsukiyama’s gaze on him, and he flashes a quick grin towards his direction.
“I used to play the drums in high school for a while. I wasn’t very good, but some of it stuck with me through all these years.”
Tsukiyama looks away, as if getting caught red-handed for peeping.
“I see.”
Hide fills a bowl and places it at the seat across the table from Tsukiyama.
“I doubt you want this, but I hope you excuse me for eating all by myself,” Hide says as he pulls out the chair.
“Are you not confident in your cooking skills, Hide-kun?” Tsukiyama asks with a teasing lilt. Hide laughs and shakes his head.
“No, it’s not that. I just don’t think this would taste so good to you.”
Tsukiyama doesn’t understand what Hide means by that.
“Wouldn’t taste good?” he repeats. “Why would that be?”
Hide swallows a spoonful without really tasting anything. He’s told himself he won’t run away from Tsukiyama, he’s made a silent promise to him to do better. He’s nervous when he asks the question clearly hinting towards the precarious matter:
“Well…. There is a reason you always excuse yourself after eating, isn’t there?”
Tsukiyama doesn’t want to hear Hide say that. He doesn’t want him to keep asking. He’s trapped like a rat in a corner: there is nowhere for him to go. Should he lie, explain it with bulimia? He’s done it before. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, having his parents called to school for slipping up with people being able to hear him retch, but if he can avoid being recognised as a ghoul, he’d do it a thousand times over. It’s not like he needs to have his parents come over this time, he’s an adult. His word should count, being enough to convince someone.
He doesn’t even have the chance to begin his false explanation. Hide tries to smile, but it ends up being too tentative and reminding more of a grimace.
“I don’t want to force you to eat this, since you don’t want to. Even if you do, you’re still gonna end up puking it up. And nobody likes puking, so…”
“No, I’ll… I’ll eat.”
He wants to prove himself to Hide. He doesn’t want him to doubt him. The chair screeches when he stands up and reaches towards the ladle, but Hide stops his hand by grabbing onto it.
“It makes you sick, right? I don’t want you to get sick,” he speaks softly, holding onto his hand. He stands up as well, slower, much slower than Tsukiyama. He doesn’t want to scare him. Not now, not ever.
Tsukiyama can see his own hand, the one by his side, shaking uncontrollably. His other one, the one Hide is holding, would probably be shaking too, if Hide wasn’t holding onto it so tightly. The grip is tight but gentle, and too kind for him. Hide’s touches are too kind for him.
“I don’t want you to hurt. You don’t have to wear that mask around me.”
“Stop.” It’s more like a plea than an order. Either way Hide ignores it, leading his hand away from the bubbling pot.
“It’s okay to be insecure. It’s okay if you want to cry. Tell me when you’re lonely, and I’ll come to you. When you’re scared at night, come to me for help. You don’t have to suffer alone. You don’t have to prove anything. You are worth it. You’re worth even more.”
Hide’s word pierce through his charade, his only armour, like arrows one after the other. He’s left with nothing but the dry core of his being. His petals and leaves have been ripped off and there’s nothing left but an ugly, mutilated stem.
"How is it that you manage to expose these things about me? How can you see what I've hidden under so many layers of lies?" He's nearly tearing up. He feels like all the ugly, rotten fears are bubbling through his skin like puss. He wishes Hide didn’t know. He wishes Hide hadn’t revealed that he knows.
"There's nowhere for me to hide from you, is there?"
"Do you need to hide away from me?"
Of course I do, he wants to say. He wants to say it, but the words stick to his teeth like taffy. He isn't able to force his mouth open. He's always had to hide away, keeping every single thing a secret from everyone else, sometimes even keeping things from himself. What would make Hide an exception?
No one is giving him an answer, and Hide doesn’t give him enough time to think of one himself. He envelops the hand he’s holding between his palms, raising the fingertips to his lips.
“I want you to be just the person you are. No one else. Nothing else. Just Tsukiyama Shuu, who has an interest in flowers and believes they grow better with beautiful music.”
“Ah.” A tear falls down his cheek. There’s only one person who knows about that belief. He can’t help but chuckle, his laughter wet and tired. The tension is releasing his body from its hold, and he’s left sagging like a marionette with its strings cut off. He’s too tired to fight against Hide or argue against his words. He’s been too tired for the last twenty years. Hide’s unconditional acceptance is leaving him so light that the freedom feels twice as heavy.
“I see you’ve been talking with Hori.”
He’s weak in the knees and the shaking of his hands hasn’t stopped either. He needs to sit down soon; before he collapses and embarrasses himself further.
“We might’ve run into each other once or twice.”
Tsukiyama leaves it at that with a nod. Truthfully, he doesn’t mind if Hide has intentionally met up with Hori or not. It’s a bit silly, when he thinks about it, that two out of three people in the world he’d trust his life in their hands with are humans. Humans who are completely aware and completely accepting of his existence as a ghoul.
"Your friend..."
"Hm?" Hide looks up from his brand new handheld gaming console. He always has the same expression when I'm talking about his friend, Tsukiyama thinks to himself. Like an alerted dog.
Tsukiyama frowns as he thinks back to that peculiar smell. He had passed by Hide’s friend when entering the cafe. Apparently he became the new waiter over there, recently.
"He smells different. More delicious."
Hide seems surprised for a moment, before going into a more thoughtful state.
"I didn't think his scent would actually change. Almost like a prophecy..." he mutters more to himself than to Tsukiyama. "What do you mean by delicious?"
Tsukiyama stirs his coffee absentmindedly. This is the closest they've come to talk about him being a ghoul after Hide confronting him about it. They had left it at that back in Hide’s apartment. He had expected Hide to ask him even a single question, but instead he had sat next to him, showing him how his new gaming device worked. Watching him play had been fun, and he had found it particularly delighting how close he got to be to him.
"How should I describe it? A smell of a home-cooked meal after eating nothing but water and plain bread for years, I imagine. Or finding yourself face to face with the ambrosia of gods' after searching for it all your life. Something one cannot resist, once they know of its existence." This was his stand as the Gourmet. In the back of his mind, a voice was screaming that he should’ve lied. This was Hide’s friend, after all. This is not something Hide wants to hear.
Hide turns his gaze back to the small screen, tapping his fingers on the buttons. The voice in his head is getting louder. Tsukiyama wonders if he's truly offended him.
"So you want to eat him." His voice is so steady, and Tsukiyama doesn't know how to interpret it. He wants to turn back time, or even a bit of backtracking would be good.
"Can I lie?"
It’s a bit late, and there’s no true use in asking.
"I'd prefer if you didn't."
He's weak when it comes to Hide wanting to know something. He always finds himself buckling under him.
"I do."
"Okay."
He has no idea what to take his answer as. Is Hide fine with him wanting to eat his friend? He stays silent, scowling at the cup between these hands. It's growing colder. It's barely drinkable anymore.
"I wish you didn't eat him, if that's fine with you."
A small part of him wants to ask what Hide's willing to offer to him instead. Maybe he wouldn't offer anything; he might try to threaten him. The much larger part of him doesn't want to know. Hide might be human, but sometimes he scares Tsukiyama. Not in the way CCG's humans do, and the threat of harm and death they pose. Hide knows things. Many things, things he most likely shouldn't, without letting anyone else know that he knows. He knows things Tsukiyama doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to know what Hide knows, ever.
He complies. He's used to complying to Hide’s wishes by now, and it won't be the last time either. He’s sure of it.
"Then I will not."
"I don't think I'd be the sunflower."
"Oh? Then what would you be?"
Hide has laid his head on Tsukiyama’s thigh while playing his game on the sofa. Tsukiyama’s fingers slip through his hair. He doesn’t brush it very often, Tsukiyama finds out, as he sorts out tangles with soft touches.
"Hmm... A dandelion, maybe. They're pretty useless, spread far and they're hard to get rid of."
"You know, some eat them as salad. I wouldn't call them useless,” Tsukiyama tries to flatter the flower, even if his attempt falls short. Hide laughs at his words.
"So that's what they're good for. Food."
A silence falls between them. Tsukiyama’s movements stutter, but he doesn’t stop. Hide’s too deep in thought to even notice it, busy questioning himself if he really wants to ask what he’s about to. Ah well, fuck it.
"Do you want to eat me?"
It’s not a surprising inquiry, but despite having predicted it to be presented, Tsukiyama doesn’t have an answer. Does he? Does he not? He shrugs, not really knowing what else to do. He hasn't thought of eating Hide, but that doesn't mean he couldn't possibly want to.
“What if I did?”
What would he do? Begin avoiding him like a normal human being? The thing about Hide, though, is that he isn’t like a normal human being. He should’ve expected the noncommittal noise in return. He snorts, twirling a lock between his fingertips.
The room is getting dark quick, as the sun sets further down behind the buildings outside. It’s getting quite late, and Tsukiyama’s sure Kanae is getting worried for not hearing from him for so long. He should call him to let him know he’d be coming home late today.
“Sorry, Hide-kun, I need to make a call.”
“Mmhmm,” Hide sounds while lifting his head up. Tsukiyama caresses the top of his head one more time before leaving the room for the small balcony outside. It’s getting chilly, being in the shadows, but he doesn’t plan to stay there long. He’ll manage without a coat for now.
The phone gives insipid toots, as he leans against the railing. It doesn’t take long for the call to be answered.
“Yes?”
“Kanae-kun? I’ll be staying out for a while longer, so there is no need for you to wait. I’ll get home on my own.”
Kanae obviously wants to ask him where he has been spending his days lately, but keeps the questions to himself. Tsukiyama doesn’t explain anything himself either. He might trust Kanae with his life, but not with the life of Hide. He knows how badly Kanae thinks of humans who know of his true identity, and he doesn’t want to repeat what happened with Hori.
“Understood.”
“I’ll see you later,” he says and ends the call. The air is getting damp. The room is filled with white noise from the streets when he leaves the balcony door open to let the fresh air in.
"What would you be?" Hide asks out of the blue when he notices Tsukiyama has returned.
"What do you mean?"
"You’ve never said which flower you are. A rose? A lily? A poppy seems too plain."
He doesn't want to answer, but he can't lie. Hide always gives him a particular look when he’s lying.
"I'd say a carrion flower, the one that smells like rotting meat, but... Maybe the lily of the valley is closer. Many have died when they've mistaken it for the ramson, the wild garlic. They've put their trust in the wrong plant and died of poison. Come to think of it, I hope you know what you’re doing."
"Ah, I see. But if I know to be careful around it, I won't get poisoned right? I know how to handle things with care." He says it with a suggestive smile and a wink. Tsukiyama chuckles but he’s still unconvinced.
"And if you accidentally make a mistake?"
Hide’s smile changes, turning wide and trusting, like he's waited for the question all his life.
"You know the antidote, right? So I'll be fine."
Are all humans so foolish? Tsukiyama wonders, stepping closer while reaching out a hand to softly touch the dimple on Hide's cheek.
“How can you stay so strong?”
Hide blinks, wide-eyed, before bursting into laughter. Tsukiyama doesn’t understand what it is about his words that Hide finds funny.
“You think I’m strong? I’m probably the weakest person you’ve ever met.”
“I don’t mean in the physical sense, Hide-kun.” Hide’s smile is so gentle when he places his hand over Tsukiyama’s.
“I don’t either.” His expression becomes filled with sorrow. It’s the first time Tsukiyama’s seen his emotions so clearly. “I’m weak, Tsukiyama. So disgustingly weak. Despite wanting to protect my best friend, I can do nothing but watch.”
“Is there something I can do?”
Hide sits up, holding onto his hand. He shakes his head, like a doctor coming from surgery to let the beloved ones know there was nothing they could do. Tsukiyama doesn’t understand why Hide feels so guilty.
“If there had been something that could’ve been done, it was years ago. Some big wheels are in motion and no one is strong enough to stop them. I regret helping to set them in motion every day. If…”
It’s the first time he’s ever seen tears in Hide’s eyes. They drop down his cheeks, heavy with misery.
“If there’s one thing I’ll ever do in my life, besides always watching the world end from the sidelines, then it’s going to be protecting you. I will not let anything happen to you, even if it ends in my downfall.”
Tsukiyama doesn’t understand anything. Hide always knows something, something he doesn’t. He knows he’s being left in the dark, Hide is pulling the curtains in front of the window to hide the sight of the world burning from him.
“I don’t know if it’s gonna be a month or ten years from now, but promise me something.” Hide tugs on his hand, and Tsukiyama gets on his knees in front of him. Hide cups his face with his free hand, bringing his face close.
“Promise me you’ll live even after I’m dead.”
The words are breaking two hearts in one strike. Tsukiyama wants to scream at him, break down in front of him, plead with him to not say such things. It’s hard for him to swallow the lump in his throat. He feels dizzy.
Hide wraps his arms around his neck, whispering into his ear:
“I’m sorry things are so shit. But I’m not gonna let the one I love go down in the middle of this.”
Tsukiyama sobs into his shoulder, the wails he tried to hold back breaking through one by one. Hide’s words seem so final, and it pains him to even think about losing him. It’s not something you’re supposed to think after being confessed to be loved.
“Is… Is there no way you’ll live?” he asks haplessly. Hide strokes his back with steady hands. He knows a lot of things, but the future is something that is affected by the unpredictable.
“We’ll see.”