Archive of Our Own

Title: The Measure of our Dreams
Category: TV Shows » StarTrek: Voyager
Author: TrekDr
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Romance/Family
Published: 08-20-17, Updated: 01-16-18
Chapters: 20, Words: 65,194

Chapter 1: Chapter 1 - prologue

My fanfiction is currently following a linear story, it's a bit like the show, it has seasons [stories] and episodes [chapters]. Just like a tv prog, you don't need to go back to the beginning, be welcome to jump right in! I'll give you a quick summary to help you on your way.

The story started with 'coming home with you' paired with 'between two heavenly bodies' a counter point of Janeway and crew on one hand, and Chakotay on the other, as they finally come together in the last 24 hours on voyager, and chakotay turns away from Seven and chooses Kathryn during and after one crazy big party celebration. There's a lot of reflecting on the past, and Naomi is a star attraction. Janeway adopts Icheb, Harry pairs up with Jenny finally - her POV.

There are some interlocking sequels [please look at my profile] before we come to the next main story, 'Crossing the Rubicon' which moves from debrief into the first action adventure in the alpha quadrant. It is supposed to be an easy diplomatic mission to showcase te Voyager team, and spread a bit of peace and love. Unfortunately, there is an adversary, as yet unknown, who has a very creative sabotage. For this adventure, they pair up with Enterprise and the Next Gen crew and showcase some of the Voyager tech and learning. Janeway meets an enemy from the past. A will they/wont they get to survive [they do of course, just in the nick of time]. The adversary is still out there though for some future machinations. Along the way, Seven is adopted into the Janeway clan, Mike vacillates between his ex-wife and Megan, and Kathryn and Chakotay get some surprising but good news.

This work follows on directly, and is therefore approximately 2 months following the return to the alpha quadrant. Since I also start with an internal monologue recap, you might not need to read the previous fics, but on the other hand, you might want to. After all, who can resist a J/C endgame resolution. This fanfic aims to have a weekly update. Oh, and please comment if you enjoy! TY TrekDr

-0-0-0-

Janeway

I put away Captain Janeway, bright hero, fearless embodiment of starfleet values a person that I became over seven years. The enterprise is cleared to depart DS9, and this straightforwards diplomatic mission is most definitely over. As straightforwards as anything ever was in the delta quadrant! Another case of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. the tickertape has finished falling on us for now, fednews has its positive story, the 'maquis' have made their contribution and maybe oneday people other than us will realise we are truly one crew. We have negotiated peace with the Cardassians and the DMZ managed to escape from a cunningly contrived trap, though we have yet to ascertain the adversary or their true intent. file that for later Janeway! Behind the scenes, there are homes for some eager Voyagers on DS9, and Kira and I reviewed a potential apartment for me to use when i pass that way, depending on what my future plans are. Hopefully, possibly a stepwise home between Earth and the Dorvan system. Maybe. Her uncertainty around me is starting to thaw. I can see that she would have made a good partner for Chakotay, as all those trashPADDs insinuate in their rehashing of supposed dates. Passionate, decisive, stubborn and spiritual. A fighter for her people and what she believes in. rebellious. Yes, I can see the comparison. We will become friends over time. I am, however, blindingly angry to be considered a love struck rival in an amorous triangle. Casting me as betrayed. Too close to home for a while, but the wrong triangle, the wrong betrayal. different lives, different circumstances, different futures.

Time to start truly considering my future, all my future, not just professional, not just in relation to my crew. What do I, Kathryn Janeway, really want from my life next. Goodbye to trying to focus only on being Captain! I tuck her back into the recesses of my mind. Is it a sign of madness that even I am starting to consider myself two separate people? I am hoping not to see her for most of the rest of this week. She deserves a rest having put on a damn fine show with D'mek on DS9, even if I say so myself. It feels...right...to have set some of my demons to rest, finding a Cardassian that seems trustworthy, that believes in enough of the important things that we can start a friendship. Someone who has also started a tentative friendship with Chakotay, earnt his respect. Building bridges. Creating better futures. He asked what I wanted for Gul Emen, and I realised that I have no personally driven opinion. I am free. Due process according to law. Another burden of my past, lifted even if not removed.

I can't deny that I am still enjoying the exuberance of success, now not just our return to the alpha quadrant, but in this diplomatic mission. even the damn diplomatic meet and greet have a gloss of joy. I am near giddy with the relief that our voyager team still works, if anything better now they all have chance to spread their wings and influence others. I just hope that we really can make the adjustment. If I can ignore the peril we were in, from failing to bring our delta quadrant pessimism and expectations of the 'overwhelmingly negative unexpecteds' to what we perceived as our safe haven, we damn straight showed our colours. Nailed them on the mast. Those p'tak admirals who can't move on and view our unified crew with disfavour cannot help but be impressed. No doubt the official view of the Mariner and Enterprise having much larger roles will be more to their taste, but no-one can ignore the triumphant success of 'Lanna's engineering fixes. the potential posts for her are pouring in, to match them, she will leapfrog to a full commander.

my mind spins onto the suggested promotions that Owen has sent through. A laugh formed from pure joy that our homecoming has exceeded my wildest hopes, both for myself and my crew, draws a look and smile from a pensive Chakotay before he ducks his head down at the PADD in hand.

My mind spins, hopping from past to present to skirt around future. Dammit, I am not sure whether it is post mission euphoria or thank hell we are all alive, pregnancy - and let me pause there for that to sink in, hell, pregnant! Chakotay's! After all, he loves me! the voyager party, the kiss on the holodeck, our joint encounter with a bulkhead in my quarters! Blush, put those thoughts away- of the upcoming relieving of command of voyager, but my emotions are in free fall. I would speak to Deanna, but she is post mission too, with her own whirlwind of euphoria.

I can't focus, my PADD stays in my hand, partially read, I have a stream of messages to respond to. Family, friends, requests, thinly veiled commands. Instead, I gaze out at the stars and continue to try and imagine my future. I have rarely dared to imagine my future. For seven damned long years I resolutely lived only in the present, focused on my role and a goal that seemed near impossible. Living in a torchlight's beam, not looking to the side, not seeing clearly the end, focusing on that thin pencil projection leading us home. I needed to be that person who would carry the hopes and dreams of other peoples futures. I needed to be the person that the crew could believe would get us home. I forcibly molded myself into that person. Otherwise, we would have drifted, fallen apart and no doubt met our end by attrition. It meant I rarely dared to sit and look at the stars, imagining a future, imagining beyond the moment that we would get home. Even more rarely did I let myself imagine what I really hoped for in that future. Now, I find that I am sitting in that future, and it still feels dangerous to imagine, still feels that I will court disaster to allow myself to imagine ... our family, myself, chakotay and our child.

When I told Chakotay to set the pace of our relationship that bright morning afterwards, that perhaps was also perhaps a cowardice rather than a gift as intended. Still living in the moment and not daring to dream of what the future might hold. Not hoping for a home, a commitment, a family. I think I am still treading water. I need to be brave and decide on a future, we need to move onwards, together.

It is nice to sit, looking at the stars, and instead of feeling the tightness of concern, worry threaded through with bleakness, I feel at peace. I have friends within the family that we made. I have new friends, now I can court openness. And, I have beyond all hope, Chakotay, lover and best friend. It is time to try and daydream, to imagine this child that I so wonderingly carry, and us, together as a family. We will choose our future together. I want this future too much to trust to the fickle outcome that continued sleepwalking may determine. I look at the stars from our quarters on Enterprise, and let them spin a story of a garden, children playing, a father and older brother spinning them around and laughter whilst a mother nurses her youngest. My dreams are now about family. I have made my achievements for starfleet, I am proud of our legacy, I need to focus on something more primal next. Damn, is this really Kathryn Janeway talking! Love and pregnancy, safety and resolutions. I think I might be ready for the future after all.

Chakotay? Hmm, I think he might still be in a bit of a tailspin too, des..pite the joy of our pregnancy. He has always claimed to live in the present rather than a tomorrow that may never come. Not trusting to a future that might be destroyed like his past has been. Hard for him also to accept that we have the opportunity to believe in the future again, and make a home together. I want to know that he can believe in our future. The thoughts of my as yet unwrapped present still hurts, that it feels that he has not accepted it. I know that he loves me, I need to let my expectations rest until he is ready. i did promise. I worry about the effect that the explosion of commitments around us will have, Mike and Megan, Harry and Jenny - he finally saw the light with the twin conundrum, Will and Deanna, and I think hovering may be Picard and Beverly. Back awaiting us I believe Tal and Billy. All these friends grasping the future with both hands, surfacing his contrary nature. I do understand, let us hope that I have patience.

It isn't just formalising romantic relationships we need to consider. I have a new son, who I love, and cherish. As a pair, Chakotay and I need to consider how this relationship continues to work. I have a new sister, damn my mother for surprises, but on reflection this does seem to be an inspired resolution to Seven's concerns. Something else though for Chakotay and I to navigate, as well as the renewed relationships with our families, and my perhaps troubled one with his sister. my mothers adoption of Seven has made me think more widely, and about 'Lanna in particular. She has been swept into the heart of the Paris family, but her own is missing since Miral's death and her father's hesitancy. I can't push her to look further into her biological parent, lets face it, you can't push 'Lanna full stop! But Chakotay has always considered her his little sister, and I wonder whether there is something in his culture to acknowledge foster sisters? I am interfering and should pull back! This coming week back on Earth has the opportunity to become interesting. I have had enough of thinking.

Looking over at Chakotay, he is reading his PADD in a half-hearted way, picking up the mug I know is empty of tea. And is surprised by that again. We are allegedly looking at mid crew choices. Baytart, Delaney's , mike... There are a number that might want to go back out with voyager, if she goes out again, if the family is still there. Nechayev is concerned that we should break up the family more. I am trying to write a reply that changes her mind, focussing on the longer picture, get people settled and gradually mix. Diffusion rather than forced separation. I think have done it and send with my thumbprint. Job done.

The biggest thing is to determine what the senior crew are doing, the rest will fall into place. It takes us back to Voyager. So that takes us right back to Chakotay. Chakotay, who is staring at a message blankly. I am presuming it is the one offering him the choice of first officer on the enterprise, an academy position, or...or voyager, as captain, mission to be determined, but suggesting the diplomatic run to DS9 where the cardassian diplomatic headquarters will be based and on to cardassia prime - thank Chakotay's spirits that they are not going to have us visit Chin'toka for this- and dorvan to bring the DMZ back into the fold from non-aligned worlds status to independent protectorate. There is an admiral that will be based partly earth, partly ds9 to assist. I know this because that is one of my options, as is an academy position, leading a delta quadrant research facility or remaining voyagers captain specifically without Chakotay as first Officer. Therefore the look at a potential home on DS9. A foray into planning a future.

I ping the DS9 appartment details to Chakotay's PADD , with my review of his preferences noted with what I would see myself and senior crew choosing if any of these came to fruition. I further rank my choices, diplomacy followed by research being my preference, clearly in some seven months I will be re-adapting. I will look at my other messages later, but agree that we will stay with mother, icheb and Seven for a family celebration and that we will also watch the doctor singing in 'the space pirates of penzance' at least this must be better than some of the singing with the Qomar! That's enough work. I think some distraction is in order.

I look at chakotay, who is now leant back with his eyes closed, no pretence of reviewing anything, and quietly rise from the couch. Even before I get to him I see the grin steal across his face, and those dimples of desire starting.

'damn! am I ever going to surprise you?' dropping a kiss on his forehead. Even a kiss so gentle has his arm whipping up to catch me in a more passionate embrace. Drawing me down onto his lap, PADD officially tossed aside.

'you are always surprising me Kathryn! but not by sneaking up.' he looks me over quizzically 'do I need to go to red alert?' his lips are twitching into a grin again.

'chakotay! what would make you say that?' affronted denial! no, I am not even wearing a comm badge, it is on my jacket over a chair and my hands are wrapped around him, following the lines on his forehead. There is definitely no 'tell'. I grin back. 'do you want to?' and give a wriggle whilst kissing his nose. damn but the man doesn't stop being irresistible. I think those hormones are making it worse!

'mmm mmm' and all the business talk, and discussions on our futures flies from my head as his lips kiss my jaw and follow the curve to my ear. Definitely a superior tactition, and I savour the physical closeness that is still so new for us. By the time his lips are passionately kissing mine and definitively robbing me of the power of speech, the amorous intent of our bodies is clear and the only future both of us are currently considering is one of passionate release. We have damn near seven years of passion to release.

So it is that we miss what 'Lanna claims to be a million comm calls from her.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2 -girl talk

B'Elanna Torres Paris

'Kahless, Tom, they must still be at it. I have commed 3 times now! Kathryn was going to meet me in ten forward before our holoprogramme and go through our options'

'jealous, sweetheart?' He shouts from the other room where he is changing Miral, who is broadcasting her anger very loudly on all channels.

'Yeah, I probably am'. I stomp in to announce this, but at my arrival Miral smiles and waves a chubby fist. 'maw'tok! do you see that flyboy, she is smiling a me!' Swooping over to pick her up and blow bubbles onto her chubby tummy my bad humour forgotten. Tom, ever the p'tak, is doing a similar maneouver, kissing me where my tank has pulled out of my comfortable slacks as Miral's fist and drooling lips tell me she is hungry, again. 'qoH! fool flyboy, and I push him away, save that for later' grinning he wanders back to our main room, getting ready to meet 'the boy's'.

I make myself comfy, and let my mind wander as Miral nuzzles and slurps. The hormones of feeding are certainly good for relaxation. There is a stillness in me that I really have never felt before. Kahless, but I am so effing lucky.

My golden boy comes in with some chips and a decaf raktajino, and a wide goofy grin. 'come here with that and tell me your plans while we have a moment' I nod down at our warrior princess. instead he passes me a PADD.

'just look at this B'e' his voice damn near quivering with excitement . 'whilst we were stuck on the delta flyer, Harry busy working out how we were going to rescue the captain, I had too much time to think. it was driving me crazy. So..' he passes me over specs. It's a new delta flyer, well nearly. bigger but sleeker. 'it's a gift, B'E, for the pair of them' I am pouring over the specs, seeing where i would change things, but even i am distracted by that. 'p'tak' said lovingly 'starfleet won't give us all of this to give as a gift! guy'cha but it is good Tom!'

'every new admiral gets to order a yacht, pretty much any size or cost, tho the big ones get borrowed a lot, so they tend to opt for small'

'maw'tok! you think? Admiral Janeway. Well the big guy had better make his move solid before she swirls out of his constellation.' I frown a bit 'i'm not sure why he hasn't. he was so desperate for the whole family thing on Voyager.'

'i dunno, B'e, they seem happy enough just as they are. Maybe she isn't ready and he doesn't want to push?' i love tom, he is just such a romantic, and has always wanted this to play out well.

'nah, flyboy, she would say yes. after all she gave...' and I cut off abruptly, aware that that wasn't something for sharing. shrugging I go back to the PADD. The living quarters design is beautiful, it has expanded the size of the flyer, slightly wider, but with a gracious curve 'dolphin class' he murmurs as i look at it. a larger master suite with a proper head for a captain who enjoys a bath. easily crewed by two, but 2 smaller bunked bedrooms for additional crew or 'Kahless! children!' Tom grins at the design, but for me, I am re-evaluating Chakotay and the hovering alternating with grumpy bear, the tea rather than coffee. Busted.

'well, I drawl, I guess this makes our next moves clear. Admiral Patterson and Utopia Planetia' I grin wryly at Tom 'i had hoped to stay on Earth a bit longer, but what about you, and command track with first officer on Voyager?' I want us to choose something that will make us both happy. But it is a beauty, and Tom is a good designer. Its hard to think past Voyager and the home we built there.

'With the big guy as captain, and the new admiral breathing down my neck, maybe. but that would take me away from you and Miral. I'd like to see if we could all get to go on her maiden voyage once refurb, but then, trainer for Nova squadron, based helpfully locally, and design consultant for shuttle class will keep me out of mischief' I'm still worried about him clipping his wings for me 'and, B'e, I get to write some holo-novels of my own to make our fortune. don't look so worried, think of all the test flights! we can make it work'

he is so damn sure that he can carry me along with it 'majQa'! we can make a home on Earth and Mars for a while, still see our family' Tom understands, and a gentle hug. Kahless, the thoughts of branching out is exciting, but I will miss our Voyager family, they are all I have. enough of this

'torres to janeway, for kahless sake!' and we both laugh, disturbing the drowsy Miral.

-0-0-0-

Finally Kathryn answers her commbadge 'did you try fiddling with it, or replicating a new one?' I ask sarcastically, grinning to myself 'just wondering why it appeared defective' the snort I hear in the background doesn't improve my Klingon temper. 'Chakotay, p'tak,Tom left with Miral to ten-forward a while back, so you are both late, and no, I don't want to even think of the excuse let alone hear it. Don't you distract my girlfriend again! pick me up on your way to the holodeck' it's certainly refreshing to be giving orders to the captain, and I can imagine her caught between reacting to my impudence and Chakotay laughing. Hell, it is so good for them both.

Its mean, but when she arrives, I place a coffee on the table. 'one for the road, Kathryn?' 'how can I, when you can't' she politely refuses whilst I snort 'apart from the fact you have been drinking it non stop until you re-boarded Enterprise.' she looks defiant and I grin 'busted!'

'Damn! that obvious? How many people know 'lanna?' her anxiety is briefly apparent before she masks it away. Her hands sneak, tempted, to the coffee before she races it to the recycler. They then sneak to curve over her pelvis. 'Act like that and everyone will know before we see earth' and she whips her hands to the side but let's the largest smile escape.

'currently just me, and presumably Beverley and Chakotay. don't worry, I'll not tell, but Kahless, I am useless with a secret. I had no idea you were even trying'

'guy'cha!' she responds, in perfect Klingon intonation, fiddling with her commbadge. 'I might as well have it as agenda item number one on the holodeck where we can dissect it properly. Lets ship out then' she grins as she swings past me 'so happy 'Lanna' and so am I, they deserve all the happiness after all. Though I tell her she is crazy, and they can practice on Miral any day.

-0-0-0-

being one of the captain's best friends has given me the confidence to make other female friendships. After the uneasy and disastrous friendship with seska, I had bailed out of female friendships until we bonded over crell moset, cardassians and my mother. Now she is family, and we get to laugh crazily without worrying.

Here in the spa with Deanna and Beverly laughing over the hopelessness of Jean Luc this time, and his inability to commit to anyone and Beverly in particular. I have probably more information than required on his previous affairs. Sneaking a look at Kathryn, she shrugs ' I only ever wanted Chakotay, and without back up I just had to try and do what was right.' And then, with a classic wry grin ' I am fallible too' . I think this is the first time she has ever suggested that perhaps her damn principles where beyond humane ' qua pla! ' I cheer her and hug.

With lots of coaxing and giggles, we suggest preposterous scenarios for Beverly to just bite the bullet and propose. After all, it seems that love is in the air. Kahless! Kathryn shocks us all by her list of how she could have bypassed protocol and just ambushed Chakotay. We're all laughing and embellishing this list, getting more and more outrageous! Alien mind control, drunk at first contact due to unusual strength wine, shuttle crash on freezing planet so need to share body warmth, rescue from some alien marriage by declaring prior bond.

obligingly, Kathryn joins in with the hilarity fleshing out some of these scenario. I can nearly see her hands on hips ordering Chakotay to strip on some godforsaken ice planet. Qapla! 'Damnit but he would still have been gentlemanly about it. ' She wails, 'and I would still have had to ask!' And she smirks 'or maybe I would have been driven beyond asking and just taken!' Deanna suggests she could have pretended to be asleep thinking it was an erotic dream. ' oh believe me, I have certainly imagined it, and Chakotay was our expert on one hundred and one ways to crash a shuttle. However, when he did do it, I nearly died and a damned alien tried to suck me into their living hell!'

'you couldn't make it up' giggles Deanna ' were you trying to be so star crossed? Or did you have some omnipotent beings playing fast and loose'

'damn! I had never considered Q!' She looks stern 'after all I did reject him, and although I said there was no one else, from his jealous behaviour it was clear he knew!' I can see that if Q appeared he would have a barrage of questions . 'But Q did give me the route that speeded us home' a shrug ' you know, he is frustrating, irresponsible, outrageously self centred, but I do like him! Damn, I hope I'm not tempting fate!' And laughs all round. The enterprise also saw its fair share of q.

guy'cha! I had never thought that maybe some p'tak was keeping them apart! It would damn well explain all the ridiculous scenarios we found ourselves in! Or maybe trying to push them together!

'Anyway, the crash started as a way for us to get a bit closer. I was actually contemplating relaxing those damn parameters! Life was being more straightforwards, the delta quadrant a bit more forgiving. We had been laughing and joking about talent night and it felt so comfortable. hell! Even afterwards it looked ipossible for a bit. But we were both a bit shaken to grab the chance and then another forgettable blonde sashayed past, broke my heart and the moment gone.'She shrugs ' it was probably one of our closest near misses' and then after another moment 'damn blondes'

I point out the alien mind control. ' damn but we each did that too. Hell I don't know whether to laugh or cry! He got plugged into another damn blonde and ex Borg, and for mine , I moved in with an alien. Neither time did we get it right, and both times lost us something.' A wry smile flits across her face 'we were just so damned unlucky!'

However when Beverley says being abandoned together on a planet, both Deanna and I can't help but drawing in our breath.

'dont say that actually happened too Kathryn!' Beverly is half hysterical and half shocked. 'For how long?' When Kathryn admits three months, it is hard for any of us to comprehend how *nothing* happened'

'well, not nothing' she murmurs, we both realised that the spark of attraction between us was more than just passion. And he told me the most beautiful legend' I snort. ' P'tak! He should have just got on with it. You would have had a far more fun journey instead of torturing yourselves, each other and periodically us!'

Kathryn gives a wry smile 'we thought we had our whole lifetime together' then goes for the attack, 'hell you and Tom weren't a lot better, you only admitted your love as you were about to die!'

'Thank goodness for two faced theiving rat faced aliens' I agree with a laugh.

'oh my god!' Beverley is laughing so heavily she just might drown 'I think I might just be direct' and she is still spluttering and wiping her eyes as we all are leaving. We are all still laughing as Kathryn and I peel off to ten forward to join with Tom and the others. I look at her side wards wondering if I dare ask about a wedding in her future, but somehow I think it isn't quite the right time.

Chapter 3: Chapter 3 - unburdening

Mike Ayala

Shit! but I have pretty much had enough of the moody bastard. Tom and Harry have been keeping the mood light, but he is like a gravity sink well. 'we are going to talk, Chakotay, say your goodbyes to the kids for now' and I wave them off. To be fair, they both pretty much make a dash for another table and are joined by Johnson, Murphy and Rollins. 'So, do you want to do this here or somehwere more private?' I growl at him. damnit but he has all his dreams realised, what is the thorn in his paw.

We started off the evening well enough, laughter at beating the odds again, Chakotay being proud and grateful to Tom and Harry for saving her. Thinking of how the delta quadrant came through for us, with our unconventional manoeuvres! Some of the enterprise crew joined us for a short while, keen to get to know us, and yet also give us space to be. The amount of hero worship out there over the captain. It didn't matter how often Chakotay said to each one that the captain is only as good as the sun of her team, each individual matters, they still went away unchanged in their opinion. He is right, and I guess they are too, because it is her leadership and trust that brought out our best, and our best let her do her crazy risk taking shit to save us.

However, when things turned personal,when Harry shew the ring he had got for Jenny, it all started to go downhill. I don't even think to follow suit, as Chakotay has already knocked me back over taking my relationship with Megan more seriously. It's given me a worry that I am rushing things, leaping in to keep pace with Harry.

'don't say she said no! fk!' I finally say when we are i absorb those possible implications.

I had pretty much ignored Chakotay while I followed that train of thought, but a sigh brings me back. 'nope' he says looking as hopeless as he did when I confronted him about Seven. 'i haven't asked'. My face must tell a thousand stories. 'come on, tell me, Chakotay'. Shit, but it is sad to see, he reminds me of all he lost before he joined the maquis, and I remind him of all he has gained, and held onto. I try and remind him that love is worth the risk of loss, especially now where it is safer. at this we eye each other. both reminded that the captain nearly did manage to lose her life *yet again*. 'Well', I temper,' it should be safer, and isn't it too late now?' He drinks some more of the synthehol beer. 'you need to start to enjoy life again, move forward, be happy. it doesn't have to be marriage.'

another low groan from Chakotay. 'Hell, man! this is like pulling teeth. just spit it out.'

'she asked me' whaaat! that was not what i was expecting. he is still looking in his beer glass for answers 'don't tell me you said no?'

'I haven't answered, and she isn't pushing' I groan and take a swig of my beer.

Guinan appears with two more. 'Do you have this in hand, Mike, or do you need a fresh pair of ears Chakotay?' she says in a gentle voice. 'ah, he knows all the worst of me' Chakotay grins wryly, 'he might as well know some more of the stupidity' she looks seriously at us both. 'this is a crossroads in time. You need to choose your future, all of you, and trust to it. Settle things before the homecoming ball. Trust her, be brave.' and with that she smiles and gives Chakotay a reassuring pat before moving away.

'well, brother, even the resident mystical barkeep tells you to get on with it.'

He begins, slowly grinding out his story 'when we had our argument in the ready room, she left, releasing me from my promise to stay by my side. she had said she had a present and a letter for me in her desk. she wasn't sure that i still wanted them, but that they were mine.' he goes silent again, and I continue with my beer, allowing him to take the time 'I took them both, read the letter, didn't open the present.' he pauses again, and half the beer is gone. I look at guinan, and she is already starting to move towards us. 'it was a love letter. it told be everything i wanted to hear for the last 5 at least years. it told me she loved me, chose me, understood me, forgave me.'

I just don't get what he is finding so difficult about this 'spirits, Mike, over the years I have been so weak where she has been strong, and now, when it is perfect. I wonder if we are trapped in that pitcher wormhole thing again, or what catastrophe will happen if I allow myself to embrace all this change. All through our journey, I held onto the thought I would propose to her here, once we made it to the alpha quadrant, and instead I was with Seven...' and he tails off ' ..and then somehow it became right, and yet still I cannot keep her safe. What has changed, really?' Guinan approaches again. 'and now, if I ask now, will she see it is for her, or think that...' and he stops, looking caught out.

'her little surprise has caught you out?' says guinan 'makes you doubt what is? didn't she ask you to bond with her still on Voyager, before any of it?' and she leans in to chakotay again to clasp his shoulder whilst frowning. this time, she has brought to us andorrian cider. 'A reminder' she says. She grins at me. 'you have a good heart, Mike, never regret' and with that enigmatic throwaway, sways back to the bar to take a bottle of champagne out which she sends an ensign to take somewhere. Well, someone else on the ship clearly has something to celebrate too. 'c'mon man, what does she mean, bond with you. You might as well spill everything'

'I know she gave me a hand-carved box, Mike. It's not quite my tribe, but common on Trebus and Dorvan anyway. It is a way to signal that you are ready to move into an exclusive relationship. Spirits, It means she was stating her heart, soul, self were mine. i haven't even unwrapped it.' he groans again, his soulful eyes clouded, frowning at the Andorian cider. 'how did she know?'

he doesn't notice my eye roll. 'Hell man, she has loved you for forever, I imagine she had getting home planned for nearly that long too. And... She was sent to catch you, I bet everything about you and your tribe were in her Intel.' We voyagers have watched their crazy dance of love for far too long to risk them messing up now! Like most of the crew, I had thought their abysmal dance purely a product of the captains protocols, but now... Well, it was clearly far more complex. I hope chakotay's spirits and the captains determination doesn't let him turn this into a disaster.

he sits moodily in front of me ' man, but this just has to stop! Grab your happiness, tempt fate, build your new life. There must be some ceremony or spirit quest that can help you settle the past, or counselling. But give that woman a break. She loves you' and finally a smile breaks through. 'I've got this, Mike. Thankyou.'

He grins as he catches Toms eye, 'it's safe, I've been defused' and Tom grins back. For a perpetual joker he has a deep heart, and in his marriage he finally released the last tensions from maquis times. The terrible twosome come back to our table, but Harry is ready to call it a night, clearly slightly wary of Chakotay.

his exit is interrupted by the arrival of the captain and b'ella. Both laughing. Thank the stars that the grumpy man is gone! Swinging over, the captain demands to look at Harry's ring, and says all the right things to soothe him and restore his joy, earning him a punch from Tom.

Chairs appear for them, brought by captivated enterprise ensigns who walk away with grins of people planning to remember talking to the famous. With the way the captain is, I imagine she will have met half of starfleet in the next five years.

with the captain present, it is like moths to a light source, so after an hour of fragmented conversation, we break up and return to our quarters. She, at least, is happy. I think I might talk to her before I rush into things with Megan.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4 - PADD talk

From: gretchen janeway ( civillian, prof. mathematics University of Indiana ret.)

to: Kathryn janeway ( captain voyager)

subject : family party

katie dear, is it possible for you to respond prior to your return. I am planning a family party on the Saturday of everybody, and need to know this is ok. Aunt Martha may well die of apoplexy if you don't meet soon. I have given you as much time as I can! If you can come on Friday, Owen says there is nothing at starfleet planned and have the day with close family, I have asked seven too for the day and then Icheb after academy. I hope that you can stay until at least monday evening, with Phoebe coming to stay for saturday. The promotions ceremony and then homecoming ball isn't till the following friday, so there is plenty of time for you to relax after the weekend at starfleet, or you could stay with me.

i think you need to acknowledge seven as your sister somehow, as well as Icheb. I would like the family party to be not only a welcome back for you, but also an introduction for them.

clearly Chakotay is invited. I have been hearing from seven rumours of a variety of impending announcements, and if yours is amongst them, I would prefer to be among the first to know!

as always, all my love

mom

-0/0/0-

from: Mortimer harren (lt jg inst cosmology)

to: seven janeway (status tba voyager)

subject : variables incorrect

the variables in lines 10 and 22 are incorrect. I will be attending the homecoming ball. Perhaps you have time in the day or so before to correct them together. I wonder if you would consider attending the ball with me so we can continue our discussions. If this does not suit you, inform me

harren

-/-0-/-

from: seven janeway (status tba voyager)

to: Mortimer harren (lt jg inst. cosmology)

subject: variables

I disagree, have you considered they are a function of the constant in line 13? I accept your proposal for the homecoming ball. Be appropriately attired. Clarify, this is not a 'date', as I have eschewed romantic affiliations indefinitely. However, your intelligent discourse will be welcomed.

Seven.

-0-0-0-

from: Sekaya ( civillian, tribal council, Dorvan)

to: Chakotay ( commander Voyager)

subject: spirit walk

Chakotay, dear brother, I am pleased to hear from you, but concerned that you seem to have disquiet. remember you told me your home is a person not a place! surely she will accept you for who you are. You have always been a contrary, and I think you are looking for worry. May the spirits of our ancestors protect and shelter you! However, after so long away, I am delighted that you want to reconnect more with your heritage. There is just the person in Arizona, not far from our cousin, as Ancient Eagle he is not of our tribe, but closely aligned in spiritual ways. I have spoken with him, and he agrees to take you on your quest. It will be this coming Monday, you should have had time to recover. He says to not contact him before you arrive, as it makes a better meeting to speak first where you can listen. Bring your medicine bundle and include items of significance for you now.

When you are ready, and if the spirits wish it, then I would hope to see you and Kathryn on trebus and plan to welcome her into our family and tribe fully. At least a two week stay will be required.

Regardless, I would love to see you both visiting us.

Se

-0-0-0-

from : Kathryn Janeway ( captain, voyager)

to : Phoebe Janeway (civilian, artist)

subject: clothes, family, help!

pheebs help! I need new clothes. I need something for the homecoming ball, I need some things that are a bit more personal! Help!

Oh, and how is having a new sister? I wish I had had a chance to talk a bit more to mom about things beforehand. It is a perfect idea, but... Did you tell her at all, about the seven and chakotay thing? im not sure that this isn't all the more awkward. I have been her captor, mentor, commanding officer and finally love rival and destroyer of her romance. Awkward doesn't really cover it at all!

So, clothes! we need to go just you and i for at least part of this, tho shopping with seven also a lovely idea. can we shop, just the two of us, on monday. it really is the more personal things that I need only you to help me find - sworn to secrecy!

Chakotay and I aren't engaged, or anywhere close currently - partly fuelling need for clothes - so don't let mom get carried away. Tho lots of the crew are diving in!

I miss you, will I see you friday? or saturday?

Katie

-0-0-0-

from : Kathryn Janeway ( captain, voyager)

to: gretchen janeway ( civillian, prof. mathematics University of Indiana ret.)

subject: family party

Mom! how did you get starfleet to give you such a long moniker? I thought you had widow of Adm Janeway! good for you. Yes, I can be free friday. is it just me and 7? i might need a pep talk and lots of coffee. scratch that, the doc says I can't have caffeine at the moment - a post mission thing, and will tell you about it and the diet list when I see you. Don't worry, I am well enough, and Chakotay is being annoyingly prescriptive about following the rules. If we were still on Voyager he might need some brig time to cool down!

Chakotay is arriving later with Icheb on the Friday. He is going to do some shopping, he says, and would like to know if there are any jobs for him to do that he should bring any tools for? We aren't engaged mom, in fact it feels that is light years away. I told him he could set the pace, since I have been parameter controlling us for the best part of 7 years, I had hoped we would speed at warp 9, but he is being more steady about this. So, mom, no hurrying us along! i'm sure we will get there!

And what a wonderful idea, adopting seven. It is slightly difficult to work out for me, i have been her boss and mentor, and then we have had the tangle over chakotay, and i was always surprised when she didn't want to consider icheb. I feel that the chakotay debacle split her from me, even tho I tried to be accepting, and then with the about turn, i think it left her high and dry. The crew were unhappy with the relationship too, so I feel she entered the alpha quadrant in a more difficult place than she needed. I did try and match up a home with sam and tal, and interesting work with the doctor and some people who I thought would suit. but, well, it just hasn't seemed quite enough to give her a sense of home.

It is going to be something for chakotay to work about too. I hope that this change can help bind us all back together really. She was on the cusp of another step forwards, and I feel guilty for crossing her. Maybe you can help us talk about it Mom.

Love you. See you friday.

Katie

-0-0-0-

from : Kathryn Janeway ( captain, voyager)

to: Icheb Janeway ( cadet, accelerated programme, starfleet)

subject: family party

hello sweetheart. will comm as well when closer, but just looking forwards to seeing you. I have a secret! And as my son, you are going to be the first person I tell, and since I am terrible at secrets, I hope you are there when we get in on thursday.

Mom/Grams says we are spending the weekend in Indiana, and having a family welcome. Good luck!

Oh, and Seven as an Aunt! How is that working out for you? I am glad to be part of one big family still.

Mom x

-0-0-0-

from: Seven Janeway (status tba voyager)

to: Kathryn Janeway ( captain, voyager)

subject: star pirates of penzance

The doctor has requested our presence at the opening night of the starfleet operetta. I have informed mother that our plans must change to accommodate this. She will comply.

We will meet phoebe in the morning at 10:00 to purchase the requisite clothing to wear for this event since we can expect some Fednews interest, and the family party.

We will lunch at 13:00 in Indiana with mother and spend the afternoon there in discourse.

At 18:00 i have booked reservations for us, this being yourself and Chakotay, mother, Icheb and myself as well as Commander Riker and Counsellor Troi, if you would be so kind to extend the invitation to them. It will be a light meal only, as we are required to attend the performance at 19:30. The doctor has reserved seating for all of our party.

If you would confirm that this is acceptable. It would also be preferable to be advised before we attend as to how I am now to address you, captain, Kathryn or sister.

Seven

-0-0-0-

from: Chakotay ( commander Voyager)

to: Sekaya ( civillian, tribal council, Dorvan)

subject: spirit walk

I thankyou, sister, for arranging this. I am always aware of the role of Kathryn in my life. This, however, is more about me and readiness to take on the mantel of husband and if the spirits are willing, father. I feel joy and peace welling up from my heart and soul, but my mind is still tortured by what I have seen and done. This will ground me again in the world of my fathers.

As for Kathryn, she has always shown deep respect for my beliefs, even if she is a woman of science. I truly know that she will wish to honour my traditions when the moment is appropriate, and we will then hope to spend more than two weeks with you, becoming family again. I am not sure of the post homecoming ball timings as to when this will be arranged, but I hope it will be within the next six months.

Let the spirits of our people shelter you and your family.

Chakotay

-0-0-0-

from : Kathryn Janeway ( captain, voyager)

to: gretchen janeway ( civillian, prof. mathematics University of Indiana ret.)

subject: family party

Seven has very efficiently informed me of the change of plans, with an accompanying timetable. Is this OK? After all, I planned to spend the weekend with you, and can catch a different performance of the doctors, though he might be put out. I love you Mom, and am looking forwards to our time together. Is it very bad that I feel all put out? I will then be all yours until Tuesday.

love you

Katie

-0-0-0-

From: gretchen janeway ( civillian, prof. mathematics University of Indiana ret.)

to: Owen Paris ( Adm. Starfleet Command)

subject: surprise party on sunday

As you know, the Voyagers on Earth want to throw a surprise party for the command and mission team, including the exec team of enterprise and engineers. can you invite them all to your house sunday? perhaps sevenish? Quaestor is prepping our large barn and a marquee so that we can party here. It will be wonderful to host a starfleet celebration party after so much time. Owen, please help with the deception! And come, clearly come too, with Elizabeth, of course.

I am then going to keep Katie till Tuesday, so no distractions! Oh, Owen, they did so well. We have them home, we should celebrate and then we need to damn well work out how to keep them safe.

gretchen

-0-0-0-

From: gretchen janeway ( civillian, prof. mathematics University of Indiana ret.)

to: Kathryn janeway ( captain voyager)

subject : family party

I believe the phrase is 'resistance is futile'. I also believe that maybe we Janeways have been assimilated! I think star pirates of penzance sounds lilke a rather fun family outing. I believe that the production often skates close to the wind, so hold onto your hat Katie!

Mom x

-0-0-0-

from : Kathryn Janeway ( captain, voyager)

to: seven janeway (status tba voyager)

subect: star pirates of Penzance

You will be able to assure the doctor that I wouldn't miss it for the world! I am always keen to support his artistic endeavours. later I will be meeting Will and Deanna, and hope they will also be able to attend.

I think we probably should be trying out 'Kathryn' as a suitable moniker, though the rest of the family calls me Katie from childhood, I would be uncomfortable with this, as it only has resonance for the people who knew me then. On duty we will stick with Captain. Although I rarely call Pheebs 'sister' I do on occasion, so we should try the line out.

I am truly happy have you as part of my formal family. I guess there is some straight talking for us to do around Chakotay and the Admiral. Sisters can argue and fall out, but when mom calls, we all fall back in line again. I am willing to continue to be honest, though maybe we do understand each other here as we have discussed this before. As the big sister, I still get the mentorship role.

Kathryn

-0-0-0-

from : Phoebe Janeway (civilian, artist)

to : Kathryn Janeway ( captain, voyager)

subject: clothes, family, help!

squeal! shopping! I already have the perfect homecoming gown design for you. Honestly, Paula is so talented. Those admirals are going to die! don't worry, you will be modest enough, just, well enhancing that which nature has given you. Chakotay will drool!

oh, and as for the other shopping, that we can talk about, but I know lots of specialised boutiques that we can very privately visit!

Seven is a hoot. I adore her. I am trying to corrupt her, but she still thinks of you as a mythical being, albeit with feet of clay where chakotay is concerned. oops. Icheb and Q are cuties! How did you manage to bring us back such a family expansion. And chakotay, drool more! FWIW, I don't think seven has any idea about love with chakotay. it was more pride, expectation and resentfulness. I've done lots of talking, much as demanded by Mom! so we have done first loves, safety, father figures - which I am sorry to say that I think Chakotay can be filed under - and she just needs to join the dots. Anyway, I don't think she is really ready, currently most of her talk is around T'Len, the Vulcan you gave her to work with and Harren, the maths geek. That gorgeous Bajoran boy doesn't get anything like as much of a mention, and I am sure you chose him with the combo of brains and looks on purpose. I know you sis!

See you soon Katie! give that hunk a kiss from me.

-0-0-0-

Janeway

that's enough! I can't read a single other PADD message. I love my family, and can't wait for the weekend. Mom and Pheebs are going to cry when I tell them about the baby! I am sure Chakotay hasn't read anything for a while. Since this is our last day of relative freedom here on Voyager, I can think of a few things i might rather be doing...

Chapter 5: Chapter 5 - chakotay makes a plan

chakotay

There, I have a plan. Spirits thank Mike for his blunt directness and friendship. Sometimes, unfortunately like Kathryn, I can just overthink things. Now I can feel that the separate strands of who I am are finally coalescing. I am getting my pride back, the man I want to be. My sister has found me a tribal elder on earth who I can spirit walk with and help me start joining all the pieces together. I am going to be a father! I am going to prepare myself to offer to Kathryn a whole man. One that can shoulder with her the future we shall walk together. Spirits, but it feels good to have finally found a way forwards. Not that I have doubted our love, i am overwhelmed each day that we have managed to make a present together. However, the future as well, that I need some help with. I want to re-find the man I was and join him with the man I will become. In those last two years, there were just too many difficulties for me to keep whole.

I can feel the leap of hope inside me, that I will be able to choose the future's path with Kathryn. She promised that she wouldn't push me, that we would develop our relationship at my speed. We went straight to warp 9, and I have been struggling to have my mind catch up with my heart and soul. But we have laughed and loved magnificently, and my heart and soul have expanded with her. Truly, i cannot see my future without her.

I had thought that we would have some time to make slower plans for the future, to love without care for a while, to slowly share a journey of love. I wanted to court her, revel in the love we can now openly display, flowers, meals, walks shore leaves to slowly bring us together. The pace has changed now, and there is an urgency, but I cannot be anything other than exultant at the news that we will instead share a child soon. It worries me that i need to re-find all the pieces of myself enough to be a good father, perhaps a more understanding father than my own. I hope this spirit walk will help me. Help me be who I need to be, help me finally fully make my peace with my father and then I can place my life with hers and our child with honour.

It isn't just Kathryn that I have been re-evaluating my relationship with. i have been reviewing the time I have spent with Icheb, and wondering whether I could create a bond between us directly, rather than through Kathryn. The Janeway rash of adoptions have opened up other avenues in our mind. Our tribal heritage has always been open to more informal adoptions of emotional or spiritual bonding, rather than of blood. It isn't only Icheb that I feel bonded to, in fact there is someone else that I should consider first, that perhaps I should have considered before. I grin as I see that my worries about our voyager family peeling off and disintegrating were unfounded. Instead, we will be bound closer, though our lives may diverge.

I think of Deanna's much earlier statements about our roles, that I have been the heart of the family giving succour when required, whereas Kathryn has been the mind, the leader that everyone could have faith in, striding boldly for us to follow. I think here in the new life we are building, she has so much heart that it is overflowing, and yet she is still striding boldly forwards, being a beacon to starfleet. I thank the spirits that they threw us together. Although I believe we make our own destiny with the events around us, sometimes I wonder.

And yes, I am still aimlessly looking at the PADD before me, and I can see Kathryn frowning at me. I pretend not to notice as she grins and then tries to sidle up towards me. I try to study the message on my PADD intently as her hands wind around me, over my shoulders and around my chest. I cannot pretend to ignore her though as she nibbles my earlobe.

'Kathryn!' and I laughingly turn my head around so that the next movement of her lips is a kiss against mine, and then I quickly stand whilst she tightens her hold on me, and devilry takes me as i run around the room, horsing about, swinging her whilst she shrieks and laughs at me until I collapse against the bed, finally allowing her to let go.

'Damnit chakotay! that wasn't quite what I intended!' and she crossly pushes me back onto the mattress and sits straddling me, a mock admonishment on her face. Oh Oh, brig time alert! Or busted down to ensign. I am laughing far too much to answer at all with these phrases, and probably this is a good thing even if it appears to enrage her further! So before I know it, she is crashing one of the pillows down on my head, repeatedly and vigourously. I weakly try to defend with my arm in front of my face, but she is canny, and uses tickling and pokes so that she can obtain maximum damage. I can definitely hear my brig time an ensign announcement as she curses me for childish behaviour. I can't stop my laughing, tears streaming down my face, assaulted by a senior officer! clearly I have needed this moment of crazy far too much, and my diminutive captain initiating a pillow fight has me crying with the ridiculousness of it. She stops for a moment, ratcheting up a death glare of epic proportions, and despite weakness from near hysteria, I take the opportunity to overpower her so that she is now lying beneath me.

'do you think you can beat me? woman?' I say, with as much menace as I can muster through such gasped breaths. It's clearly not enough, as 'that's better' is her saucy response, with a lascivious grin at me and a little wriggle that has me pinning her arms down and kissing her damned triumphant face. Spirits but I love this woman.

-0-0-0-

Later, with her snuggled in my arms radiating contentment, trailing her fingers gently over my tattoo I ask without thinking 'so will you wear my tattoo, Kathryn?' she stills completely and looks at me with all her focus concentrated.

'is that a proposal? Chakotay?' she asks slowly and gently.

I think that it probably is, nothing like I planned, and I'm not completely sure I am ready. She has noticed my hesitation and smiles, preparing to let it go and giving me all the time she had promised, but I need to move forwards now 'nearly, Kathryn, nearly' . Her beautiful quizzical half grin peeps at me.

'Chakotay' in her most compassionate and understanding voice, the voice Ii have heard her half chide numerous recalcitrant crewmembers over the last seven years 'how can you half propose?' I can only answer honestly, and it feels good to be having this conversation with her, rather than arguing it in my head.

'Kathryn, we both know that what is between us is a commitment forever. You said it yourself in the ready room on Voyager that we would explore our future together if we kissed again, and that next kiss has certainly created a whole new future' i place my hand proprietally over her gently curved belly, still too early to clearly display our child, conceived in that night of passion, our last on Voyager. 'but, before i can truly step and claim that future, I have needed to make myself whole again, through our love, through letting go of some of the past, counselling with deanna and friends, and finally, through reconnecting again the contrary elements of me, so that I can offer you the man I should be again' I gaze directly into her eyes, so that she can see there is no misdirection.

'when you stood before me and declared your love, and offered it to me, you also told me who you were, your voyager captain self, and the kathryn you were reclaiming. You were, and are, so strong and fearless. You told me that you could bring these halves together, and I think you have done it. I love you, and I see you reclaiming yourself, your full identity with joy and fervour. I, However, couldn't tell you who I was then, except that I was broken, less than I should be and in my eyes not worthy of you. In reclaiming myself too, I am creating the right to offer myself to you.'

I can tell she is going to speak, and am fairly sure she will tell me that she loves me for who I am, deny my lack, but I am right in this. I place a finger on her lips

'shh, Kathryn! you promised me I could set this pace, it is something very important for me. In our hearts and souls we are already committed, this is an inevitability. Let me complete the journey of my mind so that I can do this with all my pride.'

She looks at me seriously, and nods. She trusts me with this.

'I also need to come to a start of reparation with Seven, and I hope your mother can help me there. spirits! but I think the surprise move into sisterhood should set a new pattern.' a smile graces her face as she again nods agreement. She is right, I have delayed overly long the conversation with Seven, because it is going to be damned hard.

'I also have a retreat planned after your family weekend, it should just be 24 hours, with a spiritual leader, for a full spirit walk, not just vision quest. Sekaya arranged it for me' I see the question in her eyes as at her home Sekky was less than convinced by our relationship 'she is under no doubt that you are my chosen. I told her all our stories ' as Kathryn jerks alarmed ' well, a redacted legend version of our stories ' and she relaxes again against me grinning, murmuring that 'I have a way with legends ' and she confirmed to me, "my home is a person not a place". My home is you, my peace is you, my world is you, Kathryn'

And I feel relief settle over me.

As she snuggles closer, skin caressing skin, she asks me where this tattoo should be placed, inevitable as it is. 'please tell me not my face! I could never carry it off like you do'. I have a momentary vision of the tattoo in its place, but this is not that moment yet. It is hard to concentrate as she starts kissing my chin, neck and ear, and her hands are tracing the muscles over my heart. 'you are insatiable, my love' I grin as I roll her back onto the bed. 'there are some traditional places, let me show you' and i nuzzle along her collar bone. 'here is one' I kiss my way down to the inside of her wrist, 'here is another' she is giggling as I make my way back up her arm, pausing at her clavicle again before descending very slowly, trailing kisses between her breasts, down to her umbilicus and only then deviating across to rest in front of her hip. It is not surprising that I feel my desire rising. 'there too huh?' she gasps as I kiss and nuzzle the area before turning her over and kissing just between the dimples on her lower back. 'Here especially' I murmur back.

'hmm', is the only sound she makes, and as she arches up her back provocatively, I forget the top of her thigh, the shoulder or the ankle, and just enjoy the overwhelming passion that cradles us again.

-0-0-0-

Our discussion and lovemaking was clearly cathartic. when we were finally dressed again, and I had replicated food for us both, clearly following the doctors instructions, I realised I was finally ready to choose my next posting. So now, having our next steps agreed together, I have sent out the probable future to our voyager crew, in the role of XO and first officer still. I make it clear that this is currently a decision for the next 6 months, that we are deferring the leave we are owed and will take that leave probably at the end of the six month commission period. i clearly don't state why that leave might be required, nor that Kathryn will probably need to slow down before then. Not that she will do so willingly!

My PADD is now ticking over with messages, as other senior crew start to align their choices, and ask to discuss prior to final confirmation. There are some key senior crew that have yet to choose their course, and some of them should be coming across shortly. I look over at Kathryn, still snuggled in a blanket on the couch, gently napping. I am sure she will deny this is the case when she awakes. Her only pregnancy symptoms to date appear to be tiredness, and an increased need for physical contact, oh and perhaps more open emotions.

Whilst waiting for B'e, tom, harry and Mike, I lean back with my feet on the table and imagine our next six months, predominantly imagining an ever rounder Kathryn becoming more irascible and determined to still do everything. Spirits, I thank you for bringing this woman into my life. I even thank you for the pain and frustration we have endured, as it makes this time all the more precious. I hope that you can give me the peace and strength to be the husband and father she and our baby deserve.

-0-0-0-

I haven't moved, but Kathryn has, she is being a whirlwind round our reduced senior crew. I watch with a smile on my face as she strokes and pats everyone numerous times on shoulders arms, and even ruffles toms hair. Her heightened need for physical contact is clearly not limited to just me. Luckily, after seven years, the crew take this in their stride and I presume they view the increased tactility as a response to recent danger. They all smile at each other as they accept her ministrations.

I got the ball rolling and announced that am going to accept 6 months as Voyagers captain, whilst she is for 6 months the admiral of the chin'toka accord, 'admiral of peace' as she will come to be known. This was met with considerable relief, and a fair amount of demanding that I make sure that she stays under control. B'E informs me that she has removed Kathryn's away mission rights - much to everyone's opne amusement and probably secret agreement. We damn well can't risk losing her again.

Tom and B'E confess that they plan to be on Utopia Planetia, which scuppers having Tom as First Officer. B'E is so excited by the prospects of upgrading and meddling with so many of the fleet ships, and I know Admiral Patterson, who Kathryn adores, has been making moves in this area. tom is happy to come second, and teaching Nova Squadron is not a terrible fate! I agree that this is much more stability for Miral, even if my heart feels a pang at the inevitable separation. Living next door and sharing this mission has just increased the bonds between us.

Harry has admitted in 6 months he will go to the Titan with Will Riker's new captaincy, taking Jenny with him. Kathryn isn't sure whether to be disgusted at the snitching of 'her crew' as she puts it, though I try to point out that actually it is *my* crew to no avail, or delighted at his prospects for advancement. Harry has been a loyal ensign to Kathryn, and now he is ready to fast track as much as possible, he has career fire in his eyes. Out of all of us, he remains the most 'starfleet'. Somehow, Harry flying the nest isn't such a shock to me, though I think Kathryn will feel it harder, she has always had a soft spot for Harry and his scrapes. She says it was because he was the first to see her as a person not just captain, inviting her to Sandrine's all that time ago.

Kathryn also points out that Tuvok might be well enough to join us, and perhaps a stint as first officer might tempt him back from Vulcan, though only for a short while. i know how much she cares for Tuvok, and after our first few years of jockeying for her affection, we struck an accord. Perhaps it wouldn't be so difficult, and it would certainly make Kathryn happy. He would also help me control her explorer tendencies as the pregnancy progresses. Sam found him surprisingly supportive. Ok, Tuvok it is, and I grin my assent back at Kathryn as she personally messages him.

Mike jumps at being the tactical officer as expected. It comes with some specific training courses to complete and places him potentially on command track if he does well in the six month probabtion. It also gives him an enormous leap in status, not to be sniffed at if he is going ahead with this second marriage. I leave this conversation alone. I don't really think it is going to work with Megan, I think that the emotions of return, the hedonism of that party - I eye Kathryn again, and slightly blame her and her outrageous dancing - distracted him from the constant love he had for wife and family, and still after he had heard of her re-marriage. We all need to make our own mistakes. His can't be any worse than mine.

Over our synthale and chips, with Kathryn clearly on speed even though she is now decaffeinated, we finally determine that we should have a celebratory first flight of Voyager, with as many of the old crew who wish to be on board present in the positions they originally filled. Kathryn is sure that she can get the admiralty to agree, particularly if there are some reporters around to record this unique event. At some point on the outgoing flight, we will have the handing over of command. A brief argument about who gets to use the captains quarters has rolled eyes all round. Clearly we are going to share, finally!

After a discussion on how best to accommodate this gentle parting, we are going to suggest to the admiralty for the first 6 months we have a mixture of single flight sign up system, so that as many people as want to, can experience life on Voyager with the six month commissioned. It will also mean that Tom, Harry, B'e can sign up for some of the journeys potentially as advisors or in a chief role, though Harry thinks he might do all the first 6 months. I think living so close to his adoring parents has reminded him of the advantages of space. It seems a good decision. This way, as Voyager crew, we can slowly segue into new lives, having a chance to re-embrace what was, and to say goodbye and move on. Giving us a chance to separate more slowly. Although the admiralty agreed us all six months leave, it has become clear that for many, it is hard to fill up all that space and time now we have it, and that most of us want to stay close to our voyager families even as we start our new lives. Therefore shorter missions with longer spaces between might actually suit many of us better. A number of personnel have 'banked' the leave for the future, wishing just to keep moving until they feel steady again and are already on short term missions. Kathryn and I are banking ours, to use in about seven months time.

I am grinning at the thought of kathryn outrageously rounded with our baby when I see B'E eyeing me with a knowing expression. I am not sure, but I think we might be busted. When I quickly glance at Kathryn, B'E's laugh confirms it. I laugh, and when Kathryn asks me I quote one of her favourite plays a 'college of wit-crackers cannot flout me out of my humour' nod at B'E and Tom and it lets her work the rest of the story around it. Harry eyes me askance, I should know he is versed in Shakespeare too.

Kathryn calls time, we need to smarten up for our final Captain's Table dinner with Jean Luc, and it will be a merry affair as we are all in the mood to love and tease.

Chapter 6: Chapter 6 - Icheb is delighted

Icheb

Honestly, I don't know how mom does it. I have watched fednews and admiralty 'welcome home' the ambassadorial team. Chakotay and Mom do this with style, and I am reminded that she is currently the captain who has made the most first contact scenarios. This must seem very little different. Show your best, smile, welcome, greet, short words appropriate to situation and then gracefully disappear. Currently anything Voyager related is prime on FedNews and a multiplicity of channels.

The background hum of the usual discussion and post event dissection is mostly ignorable as I prepare a lightly spiced vegetable biriani from scratch. Grams has taught be, as it is a family recipe. Then I will replicate coffee ice-cream for desert. A mild synthale beer is paired with this. I have made sure the apartment is clean and fresh, throws over the couches and placed some fresh towels in the bathroom, and flowers in the bedroom. Freesias, as they are my favourite flowers. I look around, even grams would be happy with this. I already miss her, now she has returned to Indiana.

The newstream is, unfortunately, showing Moms captivity again. I haven't talked to anyone about that, but after seeing Grams cry and Owen go pale, I know that it is really her. I can't bear that someone hurt her. It was when I realised that not only do I admire Mom, but I actually love her. Seeing her tortured and in pain physically hurt my heart. B'Elanna is right, p'tak is a good word to use. tho, as mom says 'Illegitimi non carborundum' even if only pretend latin, is also a good phrase to use.

In fact, she once confided that it is her first contact and admiralty interference motto. I have since reviewed Latin, an ancient earth language, abandoned near at the start of positive dating on this planet. It is a beautiful language, and it can be found transfigured across many of the subsequent languages of European earth. It became the language of law, medicine, religion and the elite. Once she had told me, I had then looked at the current use still for philosophy of organisations. I couldn't rest until I had assimilated the language. I digress. I think it might be the language that I work out my theories in, just like the ancient mathematicians and scientists that are the ground blocks on this planet for all subsequent study.

As I try the start of a smile at the pretentiousness - or inefficiency as Seven might determine - the door crashes open and Mom and Chakotay are hurling their duffles before them as they come in clearly still grouching over the length of the welcome, and Mom's aching feet. Laughing and waving, she comes and gives me a hug. I love hugs, well, with Mom and grams. Aunt Phoebe is more unnerving.

'Icheb, I am so proud of you' she drops a kiss on my cheek 'thankyou for shouldering such a burden, holding the home fort! and the thing with Chakotay, he told me everything' and as she hugs me again, I look to chakotay, who is sheepishly grinning at me, mouthing 'sorry' for the amount of close contact this has sentenced me to, though he knows by now that I have settled to the Janeway tactility. she then sniffs 'I am *starving* what is that wonderful smell, is it biryani? Is it my grandmother's recipe? did mom teach you? chakotay, do you remember I cooked it for you before we tried the quantum warp drive?'

'replicated' he mouths at me, and I try and hide a grin. I have really missed them, their camaraderie, humour and inclusiveness. It truly feels that my family is home. 'kathryn, you are rambling, my love! Icheb, have we got time to change into something more comfortable?' and when I agree, he swats her as she finally lets go of me, and pushes her in the direction of their bedroom before turning to me and saying 'thankyou' and then he hugs me too, a bear hug and back slap. as we break apart, he thanks me again, looking seriously at me 'I am also proud of you, son. It was a blessing for us all when you joined Voyager' and as he wheels to join Mom in the bedroom.

I am left distracted. A few times he has semi laughingly called me son when working together at Grams, but this seems different. I'm not sure whether I need a father, having the Janeways is as much of a collective as anyone requires. My own Brenali parents do not inspire confidence. However, I admire the commander, and have learnt why the Captain trusts him so implicitly. working with him when Kathryn was lost was a revelation. Perhaps a more formal union will help us develop our relationship. A male mentor may well have additional advantages, as I think of a particular cadet that I am starting to spend more time with and could do with a tip or two about how to know whether she might like me.

They spill back out of the bedroom laughing, casually dressed in sweats as so often in the evening. I hope my blush has faded. Mom immediately appears much smaller, though not any quieter or less active. Just how much coffee has she had today? She rushes at me and asks if I want to hear her surprise before or after we eat, but Chakotay is steering her to the table, rolling his eyes. 'Let's eat, woman. Spirits, there is no hurry. It smells wonderful, and we are both hungry. What a wonderful welcome Icheb, I could get used to this!'

So we all sit around our diner, entertained by Mom, spilling her story of the amusing moments, the faces of the cardassian team as she pulled the PADDs apart, Tom's barrel role on the delta flyer, speeding her away. She emphasises her stories with movement, hands flying, expressions and laughter. She does a rather brilliant impression of Captain Picard. I talk about stopping admiral paris and Grams coming to blows, admitting that the admiral in the room was probably grams! Also about how overwhelming Aunt Phoebe can be, but that it seems to work for Seven, that I like this bigger family of ours. Chakotay talks about his sister and the Dorvan cluster, and how he hopes to take us both there as a family trip, later.

This makes me stop and look up. Take me? my query is clearly in my eyes, as Mom stands and gives me a kiss whilst collecting the scraped clear of biryani plates and taking them to the washer. 'I think this might be a "dad talk" opening, Chakotay' she mutters at him as she whirls away. He pauses, resting his elbows on the table and chin on a fist, and looks at me seriously.

'Icheb, we didn't perhaps get to know each other well enough of Voyager. I could give many reasons, but the best is just that I was exhausted and then' and he looks slightly embarrassed 'distracted by a mistake. I should never have embarked on dating Seven for many reasons, but the most important of which is that I could never love anyone like I love Kathryn. It was deeply unfair to them both, and born of desperation. I'm not proud of it, but it is my mistake to face up to and make reparation.' he takes a pause and I take the opportunity to cut in, I am not sure that I want to hear the details of his dating with Seven 'Chakotay, it really isn't my place to pass any judgements. Mom has said how the seven years changed her, and certainly how the freedom of success has brought her home. I understand it would be the same for everyone, to a greater or lesser extent' I smile at him 'I respect you, sir, I know how much you love Mom' and then when he looks like he might say some more 'and I really don't want to know about dating Seven' with a plea in my voice. It would be just too uncomfortable, my foster mother turned aunt.

He gets up and paces before resettling closer to me. 'I want to make reparation to you too Icheb' his gentle voice resonates with me 'I took Seven from you, she was your closest friend on Voyager, and my actions hurt her. I also hurt your Captain. I need to apologise, and I am starting with you, well, after Kathryn and B'Elanna! Icheb, please, give me a chance to show myself as worthy of your respect as a father. ' and he grins ' Not just because we share in the heart of a most amazing woman, but because we have an opportunity to develop something ourself.' It is humbling to have someone you revere open their heart to you, and I listen intently as he continues

'our time together before the mission, and your help during it confirmed to me that you are a son of Voyager to be proud of. I have enjoyed sharing space with you, sharing time with Kathryn, spending time with Gretchen and working together to repair her property. In truth, what I have failed to see until recently, is that I see you as a son too... It is probably too soon, but if you would consider it, I would be honoured to welcome you into my tribe on Dorvan. Don't worry, no tattoos are required, you are distinctive enough as yourself! But I would like to consider that you are also linked to me, if you would like, one day.' He stands up and comes to me, hand on my shoulder. 'Whatever your answer, I will aim to love and protect you as my son, as the son of the woman I love, of her heart and mind even if not body, as the son of Voyager, and at our tribal meeting, would wish to swear and affirm this to the great spirits that protect us.'

I am a young man of few words, and on this occasion I am speechless. Mom comes back in, 'let him think, Chakotay, it is such a surprise!' and she puts her arms around both of us before asking enquiringly 'dessert?' and I have to grin. 'one moment, and I go to the small galley to replicate the icecream. Coffee for Mom, rhubarb for me - I had not had it before the alpha quadrant, and I realise I love the sharper flavours - and strawberries and cream for Chakotay. returning, the conversation seems rather stilted, as if we were all newly released drones and unable to make irrelevant small talk.

'ok mom, was that your surprise? or is there another one?' I see her glance at Chakotay.

'well' she temporises 'that may well have been the good bit of the news! it depends.' 'do I need to leave?' chakotay interjects and she glares at him 'i think not, this is your problem too'. letting my spoon drop into my now empty bowl, I raise an eyebrow - thanking Tuvok for causing most of us to practice until we also had this skill. It earns me a glare too, which eases the mood.

'ok.' she starts ' I have some bad news for you Icheb, in that unfortunately your time as an only child is coming to an end' what? has she adopted some more waifs and strays? i smile at her 'I can be Icheb, one of ?how many? primary adjunct to Kathryn Janeway. No problem Mom, I function well in a collective, especially of Janeways' my best effort as a joke in the circumstances. She smiles at me, and Chakotay starts drifting away to the replicator. She notices, of course, but doesn't call him out, instead continuing

'the role of an older sibling is very rewarding, but crossed with frustration as well as laughter' I can well imagine it. Now Mom has not only Aunt Phoebe, but also Seven as younger siblings. I grin at the horror. 'but the love that comes with sharing such a close family bond lasts through the ages, and is ultimately a gift of joy and love.' she continues, waving her hands and pinching her nose. 'well, at least that is what I am trying very hard to keep telling myself' she mutters sotto voce. She turns to face me, placing her hand on my arm 'Icheb, I am overwhelmingly overjoyed to find myself pregnant. Chakotay and I are having a baby. you are the first person I have told' and she gives me an exultant grin 'but, I need you to know that you will always be my first son. You *are* the child of my mind and heart, you are the child I have chosen, and have my love, loyalty and support for all my life. A biological child doesn't alter this for me at all. You, Icheb,' and she places her hand over my heart very seriously as a promise 'you are mine, and I am yours. Never doubt it'

My smile is genuine as I swirl her into a hug. I want to spin her worry away. 'mom! i love you, and I am so pleased for you and Chakotay! I have no concerns, I am not a jealous toddler or child, and I have seen you love the whole voyager crew as your children. I loved the younger children we left with their families in the delta quadrant and have missed their company, I love Aunt Phoebe's children, and I am really delighted to have a baby brother or sister to spoil in my holidays. I have also seen how you love Miral, and am just so very happy.' and I find that I truly am. I have always felt included in Mom and Chakotay's relationship as a family member, and this seems the perfect development. 'I guess, that I should definitely accept your offer too, Chakotay, you will need help keeping Mom under control.' she splutters at this, though I am spared a glare 'Though after this time, we perhaps will need to move slowly on titles!' At this, he is returning into the room with two glasses of champagne, and one of sparkling water. 'to family' he says with his whole heart in his smile.

'to family' we all respond.

-0-0-0-

Personal log: cadet icheb Janeway

Mom and I guess Dad are back from their mission. I have both missed them, and been glad of the independence whilst they were away. They had 2 surprises up their sleeves, a new baby sibling, and a welcome into Chakotay's tribe. I guess that will pay Grams back for adopting Seven! I am so glad to see Mom again. I hadn't realised just how much I feel her son now.

Of course, with all their surprises, I delayed telling them about mine. When the next semester starts, I am going to bunk in the dorms with most of the other cadets. Still visit them at weekends, especially at Grams, but I've built a bit of a friend network, and it seems right that I am going to move out. I didn't want mom to think that was because of the baby news. Really, I am just delighted. I can't see why I wouldn't be, though she was obviously worried. I have a few weeks yet.

A busy family weekend, and I think Seven is more likely to be put out by the baby news than anyone else. Well, Q is going to be there, so at least it is going to have some fun moments. Grams can manage Seven and Mom, I am sure of that.

then there is delphine, she is a cadet in my tactics class. I invited her for coffee yesterday and we started talking. I am not sure how to tell if she would like a date. Voyager was just such a different place to be that I'm not sure Tom or Chakotay are good reference points for dating. I'm might talk to Chakotay.

Log complete

Chapter 7: Chapter 7 - sisters 3

This is a bit of a long chapter. I wondered whether to divide it as two, and it probably needs an edit, i haven't even got to lunch. But I think the muse is on the fritz, and I need to move on! Lets think of it as a double feature.

-0-0-0-

Seven Janeway

I will not feel trepidation as I walk towards the Captain's door. Kathryn, it is my sister Kathryn. I say this several times. Unfortunately, I do not comply. I hesitate at the door. Removal of the failsafe has had more adverse effects than I had anticipated. Indeed, I had not anticipated any. I will not feel trepidation. It is irrelevant. I press the chime and the door opens into her home. Her home with Chakotay. I have mostly avoided this. I have shared girls night at my appartment with Sam, Naomi and Tal, and met the Captain at Velocity on the holodeck, and at the cafeteria or at my workplace. I have avoided here. Here represents her success over me.

I walk in, and she greets me with a hug, but what captures me is the mixture of scents. The blend of the musk and spice of Chakotay's cologne with the floral of Kathryn and the roses in a vase is perfect, even with the undertones of coffee. It rankles that even their olfactory coupling is complementary. There is no doubt that this is their home, not a random accommodation. The captain finishes recycling the breakfast dishes and turns back to me.

'so, Seven, are you ready to shop? or shall we talk first' as always, she takes command, treating me like a child. When will she see that I want to be an equal, not her child substitute. I do not want to be patronised by her condescending attitude towards my relationship with the commander. It was not some youthful indiscretion. i was attempting a true pair bond. It may have not been love, but it mattered.

'talking is irrelevant to this activity' i say icily, stalking towards the door, protecting my pride . I will adapt. I will adapt.

'stop, seven' and she is behind me having swiftly caught up. Her light perfume surrounds me and her hand is on my arm. I look down to shrug it off, and realise that I have missed this. I have missed her. 'Seven, all I ask is that you trust me, again'

She turns me to face her, and all I can see is concern and love in her eyes. The condescension I am expecting is absent. 'I am still angry with you, Captain. It may not have been love, but it was... special, and I thought it was mine. ' I will be defiant. Our talk on Voyager still rankles. I remember them both arriving in the mess, their relationship clear to see, the crew happy and I was, irrelevant. I remember seeing the look of love and concern Chakotay gave her, and knowing that he was never truly mine, and never would have been in any timeline despite his assurances. 'your clandestine love betrayed me. It was deception'

She sits on the sofa and pats for me to sit beside her. Instead I stand before her and raise an eyebrow. In the past, this assertion of my independence would cause her heartrate to increase. I ... enjoyed ... those moments of subtle disobedience. Now, however, there is no such change, and her eyes maintain compassion. 'I have never lied to you, Seven. Stand then, if you wish. Let me tell you a love story' and she smiles 'a disastrous, convoluted love story'

'Kathryn' i interrupt her coolly, though I am aware that nearly every other member of Voyager's crew would scream at me if they were present 'i believe that you could impart this knowledge whilst we purchase our outfits. I believe that your *other* sister would also be pleased to join this discussion' She gives me a wry smile and steps up to join me. 'Seven, in truth, I probably saw you more as a daughter than a sister. But there is no doubt of my ... love ... for you. you know this' she breathes at me. I gaze challengingly at her and then nod my acceptance.

She is correct. She has proved many times of her care for me. I owe who I am to her persistance through adversity. Even when she thought that... well, even then she looked for my comfort as she negotiated with the admiralty, and held my choice as valid with my crewmates. After, she provided me with shelter and support through intermediaries until I would be comfortable with her closer direction again. She arranged for both the counselling she suggested and the Vulcan emotional training I requested, although I initially asserted they were diametrically opposed. Allowing the spill of unwanted emotions to one, and controlling them with the other. However, she was correct here too. I needed to understand those emotions and their roots, and in controlling them, I need to do so with knowledge. I have begun, and will continue. In leaving me, she let me prove my independence from her.

And... I met her mother. I truly have a family. I don't need her in the same way I did in the delta quadrant, but... my life is enhanced by her presence.

I smile at her 'after you, Kathryn'

I will let her explain her love story, and then we will accept our new relationship with the challenge of sibling association. I try to hide the smile as I think 'resistance is futile' where the Janeway family is concerned.

It is only as we hit the transporter that I realise that she said that she loves me. I cannot help the smile. I find I can walk with confidence again.

-0-0-0-

Phoebe Janeway

Hooray! I see them coming from the transporter station. Bang on time, as expected! I should surprise them by being early, but they probably wont notice. Starfleet! However, I have been tactical, and have the morning all planned out. I could laugh as I look at them. Katie is stomping, yet her face is projecting calm. I can tell by the shoulders that in the initial battle of wills, Seven has been the victor. There she stalks, a smile on her face and serenely ignoring all the glances in her direction a borg of beauty in our midst. San Francisco has seen wall to wall Voyager stories, but rarely appearances, and never walking down the main shopping street two of the most notorious women of all. I imagine there will be photographers soon. I am not sure if they are aware, but a security detail is following at a discreet distance.

I wave and jump outside the coffee vendors, and have an effusive wave from Katie, and acknowledgement from Seven. when they get here, I bundle them up onto the balcony. It is relatively private, in that we can be seen, but that there is a conversation disruptor on each table to prevent overhearing. Katie sinks down, grasping the black coffee with huge relief, smelling it appreciatively as if it was her saviour, and then, reluctantly placing it back on the table. Seven swirls the red berry frapaccino and sniffs it suspiciously. 'down the hatches, both of you! it's decaff Katie, wicked waste of coffee, but Mom says you are on a caffeine restricted diet' Ha! she blushes! interesting.

'down the hatches?' Seven responds slowly enunciating each word, clearly amused 'I recall you saying something similar about a storm, though then it was batten?' Katie laughs in her best gravel 'it means drink up, Seven!' and she does just that! I grin as I sip my pumpkin latte and nearly laugh at the hesitancy that Seven approaches her drink. I choose something different every time. 'so, sisters, what is the order of the day - and Seven, this is not really requesting a minute by minute response'. 'indeed' I love the emphasis the girl can place in her one word rebuttals 'however, I believe we have an outfit for tonights premier to buy, and something for the family party, and perhaps a spare item of celebratory clothing?'

I try and stifle a giggle into my latte, nothing has ever got past Katie ' an outfit for a surprise party perhaps?' she drawls, eyeing us both quizzically. I grin back. 'Katie, I think there are going to be any number of surprise parties, evening dinners and first night performances in your near future. You both have the credits, lets get spending!' I can see she is amused, but is prepared to be mollified. In fact, she is just too easy with this. There must be something up. I'm about to ask when Seven updates us on the rest of the agenda 'oh and Kathryn is going to tell us a story as we go around, a 'disastrous, convoluted love story' is how she put it, is that not correct captain?' I nearly splutter my latte across the table! 'Katieeeeee!' I squeal. I swear that she and Seven roll their eyes in unison! 'oh, i love a love story!'

I adore the start, that Katie is such a romantic. She says it is a story of Capulets and Montagues and misquotes wonderfully in her best storytelling voice...

' the delta quadrant, where lies our scene

From cardass grudge broke to maquis mutiny

Where civil blood made starfleet hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes

A pair of star-cross'd lovers stake their life

Whose adventurous dangerfilled overthrows

Do with their deeds bury their parents' strife'

Oh yes! this is Katie in full declaming mode! She and I had a shakespearean acting binge when she was a cadet. She said it prepared her for standing up and being noticed. I guess it might well have done. I had nearly forgotten all the fun we had had turning dreadful experiences into a mock Shakespear play. 'go Katie!' I laugh. even Seven permits a smile, though acidly comments that 'this account could be more simply delivered'. Katie and I share a grin, we know when Seven is complaining for appearances. Anyway, Katie is well into the mood now, and asks us to picture 'a warrior captain proud and true unbowed, far scried her love 'cross hostile space replied... nah! I can't do it Pheebs any more' and she giggles at me. An eyeroll from Seven, and a theatrical sigh of relieve has us laughing harder.

'however, it was pretty much that Romeo and Juliet 'pow!' this gorgeous angry man that I had been sent to capture in sexy leathers, literally scorching the viewscreen and I had to sell him a plan, having to get on with staying alive and ignore personal distractions. then when he beamed aboard, I truly felt that sucker punch' and her face goes pink, clearly thinking of him. 'Damnit, but he threatened me, and instead of fear, I felt a connection.' I pretend to sizzle a finger on her face, as she blushes deeper. ' but you know, we had to make it work, and we had to make it work as a command team. I think we had both felt it, but we had to push through for trust and understanding first. And I tried to push it back, thinking yes, sexy as hell, but I can't do this, I musn't, i placed all the barriers I could in my way. I was engaged! I had a picture of Mark everywhere to remind me! Damn the fates for throwing us together when we just couldn't do anything about it' and she gets up. I can tell when she needs a break.

'Shopping! I say brightly, I have a room and an assistant waiting for us at Maison Patrice - it is quite a new outlet, but it is a good match for what we are looking for, and they are literally wetting themselves to have you as patrons! Walk and talk sisters!' and I swoop them up, air kiss the barrista and note as we walk out laughing that there are photographers on some of the other balconies. 'bogies above girls, best smiles' and I giggle as Katie growls about 'damned paps' but I notice that she laughs and comes to link arms, central to Seven and I as we stride down the pedestrianised central boulevard. We own this street.

-/-/-

'coup de foudre' mutters Seven as we walk. 'really? it seems so... illogical' Katie scoffs at her 'just wait until it happens to you. totally illogical, completely and utterly compelling. Anyway, in between keeping the crew alive, fighting the resident bullies, finding supplies and integrating our teams. It was hard, but so rewarding, so exciting and such fun! What was I saying? there was little time to think of romance, and the starfleet uniform reminded me to keep my distance there!' She grins.

An excited group of children interrupt, running crazily towards Katie, asking if they can have their pictures taken with her. She is gentle and kind, immediately crouching onto her knee and laughing with them, asking their names, what they see in their futures as she ignores the parents with their imagers. There sure are a lot of future captains of starships in the group. My emotions though are caught by her interactions with a shy boy, who she encourages towards her. When she asks him what he hopes for in his future, he says peace. He then blurts out that his parents say that starfleet doesn't work for peace, but is gearing up for war with the Borg and he is frightened. ,

Katie just smiles at him, that smile where her whole self relaxes into it 'you are right, peace is the most important thing, and that is how I aim to serve starfleet. Creating dialogue and understanding between cultures. Looking at what can bring us together. It is easy to see the military aspect of starfleet and life after the recent events, but over the long term, starfleet supports the federation to bring cooperation and peace.' he looks at Seven, easy to see his fear. 'but she is Borg' he whispers. Katie beckons Seven over. 'this *is* what peace looks like, this is having an enemy, a very scary enemy and making an alliance, this is seeing that that enemy is made of individuals. individuals that if you truly listen to, have compassion for and actively pursue understanding, then you can perhaps turn enmity to friendship, and then finally maybe into family. so, however you choose your future, use your wisdom, compassion and understanding to further peace'

She turns to ask the parents if they have their images, and is barely distracted by the semicircle of onlookers that now surround us, nor the new cameras to the back, who will no doubt be playing this on their 'celebrity round up' feature. I hope they damn well dont cut that speech! So she and Seven stand, with the children in front for final images before she waves 'we really must get on, I have been waiting to shop for over seven years!' and to cheers and a path opening, she waves, grabs us both by the arms and then laughing and half skipping whispers to me 'maison whatever pheebs, on the double!'

-/-/-

We are still laughing like little girls, well Katie and I are, whilst seven smiles -I guess it is a start - when we arrive at the front of Maison Patrice to find fednews waiting, the manager and a variety of flunkies. 'thanks a lot!' katie snaps at me, the laughter stopping. 'i had no idea' i whisper back, but I should have done. damnit to orion, I damn straight should have done. 'sorry pheebs, I know, I've got this' and she smiles up at the managers as if she is putty in their hands, and whilst she smiles so reasonably she comments

'if you ever want mine or any starfleet business ever again, you will *never* pull this stunt without discussion. This is the first time we have met, and I am prepared to be gracious, but publicity comes only on my terms. We have one photo, of only you and I, and then no mention of what we looked at or purchased. If you do this, then you can be sure that I will credit your store if and when I wear such items. If you don't, then they will be donated to charity and I will discuss with starfleet your security risk. Are we clear.' he mumbles back. katie is not for this, in full captain mode she reiterates 'I said, are we clear' and finally, the clear response is 'yes sir!' 'then, lets do it'

As we finally walk in, I notice that she makes a slight gesture, and those two security agents, they come right behind us, and in the private room monitor and remove recording devices, and then set up a disruptor shield. 'we will be waiting outside, captain, and will scan everything coming in and out' 'thankyou Dalby, I am grateful for your help' she smiles at him.

'so!' i say brightly 'party somewhat derailed, but I think we should get it back into gear!' and an'ele our assistant comes in with the formal and semi formal choices for katie, seven and I that we have chosen from the screens. and the fun definitely starts! Katie and Seven have sparkling water, and I learn that Seven cannot metabolise synthehol there is some laughter about an event where she was for the only time inebriated , and Katie is still on a debrief diet, which seems somehwat unusual. soon we are creased with laughter as Katie tells us more of the first 2 years as we twirl in and out of different clothes.

She tells of daring games of coy flirtation, mostly in the ready room, joint training exercises, or on walking the decks, them trying to fix a line that they could safely dance around. using their ranks as words of endearment, a whole world of subtext that they enjoyed hiding. the escalation of this with gradually some spill over onto the bridge, with posturing at the conn 'chakotay has busy eyes' she says, laughing, 'I concur' Seven interjects, 'later there Mr Paris ran a book on his ocular fascination, as well as your tactile targets.'

'Katie! I'm shocked!' I am really, allowing the crew to run books on their commanding officers! 'pheebs, we were out there without safety or support, we couldn't all take shore leave with family, we needed to allow some safe but, well, risky feeling activities! Anyway, I needed those winnings for coffee!' and she giggles some more at Seven's truly horrified face. 'you knew about the betting' 'well, yes Seven, I am sorry to inform you that I always read the scuttlebutt with my first coffee of the day, and purchased my last coffee of the day with my winnings.' 'scuttlebut?' I breathe. 'mm, well, we also had our version of trashpadd - a scurrilous rumour mongering site, where you could be anonymous or not. It worked!' 'Katie, are you sure this was a starfleet ship?' I receive a deathglare and put up my hands 'shields to the max big sis! I am defeated. i wasn't there Katie, and i'm glad you got to have some fun' I can feel her standing down her red alert, and then shamefaced, hugging me 'sorry sis,' she murmurs 'but it was a big issue in the debrief, so I go to automatic defend'

'Back to our 'star crossed lovers' then sis' and I take a swig of my champagne, and so, rather naughtily, does Katie. 'one swig can't hurt!' she declares

'well, we escalated to stepping into each others space, he so I could feel his breath on my neck, and I would lean in close over the consul so it could seem I would steal a kiss, I would see just how far I could slowly encroach' She then laughs over chakotay's knowledge of mating strategies and her reply, which got Tom too interested. 'After that, we needed to take the whole thing to highly encrypted PADD communication, which just got wilder and wilder. Somehow, via PADD, it wasn't quite real, and we shared more than we should, though took nothing physical. And then there was new Earth! Damnit! I need alcohol for that Pheebs!'

Seven is trying on dress after revealing dress 'Seven,' I say, 'you need to have dresses that reveal less, not more. It is in what is hidden that the allure lies.' Katie snorts. 'don't be mean Katie, I'm getting to you next, and you can pack away all those frumpy numbers.' I look at an'ele and tell her to bring in my suggested pre choices. It is time for a clothing intervention.

So, you first Seven, pick your favourite from your choices. She picks an absolutely outrageously scandalous scarlet number, clearly made for those that identify with the holovid actresses of dubious repute. Katie loses that next gulp of synthchampagne as she gazes at Seven. She is undeniably beautiful. It plunges down to her navel, where another star borg implant resides, rather attractively and just covers enough of her breasts to allow it to be worn in front of children. It is halter neck, and at the back there is just nothing until the skirt starts at hip. but the most scandalous part is the front. it has bikini panties, and so , the dress splits again under the umbilicus. I roll my eyes. Katie intervenes 'Seven, you are stunning, you look totally desirable in that dress. Buy it, but wear it when you have a ... private... dinner that you want to dress for' 'after a coup de foudre?' 'absolutely, and only then. This dress says that you are available for intimacy. Be sure to only wear it when that is the case... or on Risa' Seven eyes herself smugly in the dress 'noted'. She had better not wear it around my husband, and I am sure Katie would prefer not around Chakotay.

'Now, try on my selections ' I beg. They are form fitting in the lower bodice, but loosely folded and draping material around shoulders across the upper bust and still a scoop back, but the material cascades down the shoulders. It is sheath like to the floor. Simple, elegant, beautiful. Her generous bust is more hidden, with the flowing neckline, but the tight bodice reminds you of its generosity. Although Katie and I draw an in breath at her beauty so showcased, this isn't Seven's idea of style. 'choose this one for the premiere tonight' Katie begs, 'it is stunning, all eyes will be on you, and yet it is appropriate for a starfleet setting ' 'I will take it in red' Seven says. 'Red will be my colour from now onwards' we compromise with her next choice, an evening version of a tea dress, it is lowcut and it shows too much cleavage, though the full skirt to mid calf is demure, but at least Mom won't stop breathing. I help her complete the choice with some 'civilian workwear' as we call it, tailored pants and silk shirts and blouses with some mix and match form fitted jackets. 'you can get rid of those damned catsuits now Seven.' Katie grouses, to a raised eyebrow.

Meanwhile Katie has chosen her own clothing. A number of smartly chic tunic and trouser numbers 'Katie!' I wail as she grins and puts one on. 'OK, they are OK, but not WOW!' She smiles, these are for all the occasions that I'm not dressing up, but will be on the trashPADDs. I like wearing the pants, she grins. The style suits her, loose flowing tunics that just fit at the right points, and tight pants underneath or palazzo. clothes that look good, and have freedom to run.

She then puts on her choice gown, and I agree that it does suit her, but at midnight blue, even with the shots through of silver, it is a very understated classy look though it does have an elegant sculptural quality. You look at her in it, and think beautiful, but your eyes aren't drawn. So I ask her to try on my emerald choice 'it is not dissimilar to the gown you wore at the Voyager party' Seven sniffs. wow! Katie must have been more daring than I thought, I hope I get to see a few more of the images! It is also an easy choice for her. 'i like it, thanks Pheebs' she grins 'and I couldn't really wear that other one out Seven! it was a ... dancing dress' more raised eyebrows.

then I cautiously present my most daring number. Sheath dress in either black or a light to midnight blue ombre- I love that katie and I both know which colours suit her, her favourites for show - in a near opaque andorian silk rather than fully translucent. It gives you the impression of nearly seeing. It has a very tight strapless bodice top which shapes and maximises her feminity. Then there is the optional overdress. this is indeed the very finest of fine translucent silks, barely visible except when layered, and it goes over the skirt part as a waterfall in silver with a subtle pattern picked out in replicated diamonds on silver thread, getting more visible from knee to hem. The top is simply a long wide silk scarf of the same material and patterning at its ends. it can be used as a wrap, it can be fixed on the front of the dress and worn to rise and flow over both shoulders or just one as a sash with silver brooches and clasps. It is stunning. As she looks in the mirror, even Seven drops her jaw. 'captain, that is most aesthetically pleasing' as well as being by far the most expensive. Katie gets the blue and then asks whether the designer is available for commissioned other works.

Katie pays. Seven really hasn't grasped how payment works in Earth society. 'its essentially replicator rations, Seven, I am spending them in this shop, I have seven years of backpay, and a mission bonus that I haven't spent' 'but we did have replicators?' 'minimal use, Seven, we were very very careful out there. Mine mostly went on...' 'coffee/coffee' we all say in unison and laugh.

Whilst we are waiting for the designer, katie finally launches into new earth, and when she allowed herself to realise that this truly wasn't desire and flirtation, but love and destiny. She tells of a bathtub, a storm, of Chakotay's declaration via legend, which I think is fairly awful, but Seven declares to be 'irrelevant nonsense, expected from someone with such an allegorical tribal mindset... ' Katie is just outraged, saying it was the most beautiful declaration of love she has received. 'he didn't mention love!' Seven is quick to contradict. Katie turns round, hands on hips and says snappishly 'and that is why he is *my* soulmate' There is a silence, when Katie's eyes go wide as she realises what she has said, we both stare at Seven. She eyes Katie without backing down 'indeed, and you are most welcome' is her eventual reply in tones of ice.

'dammit Seven! I don't want to spend the rest of our life pussyfooting around the topic of Chakotay. I'm going to put it out there, and you can decide what to do with it. He was *my* man. The whole crew new I loved him, new he loved me. He was my dream of homecoming, he was what kept me sane, he is the breath I need for my lungs, the oxygen my heart wants and my soulmate. *you* knew this. yet you propositioned him. Did you do it for spite, rebellion, to show you could? Or did you truly love him, choose him?'

'you are angry with me?'

'damn straight I am, or maybe mostly was. But also with me for pushing him too hard, him for being a faithless p'tak, and the delta quadrant, for taking everything I had to give ... I loved you both, I would have said nothing in the delta quadrant, and I saw the Admiral as the end result - heartless bitch'

'i believe that I chose the commander because you did not. I saw his need when you did not, and I have seen him love before *not you*, and surmised he could do so again. He is gentle, would allow the relationship to develop at the pace I set, put my needs first, and prove to be accommodating. He has good aesthetics and is well respected. I was ... attracted to him and thought this might develop into love. There were few others on Voyager at the time I would consider. I believe I may have had a limited view. I was ... angry ... with your developing friendship with the doctor reducing our time together and for Icheb's reduced reliance on me for advice. Therefore your emotions were irrelevant, and perhaps I sought to take something of yours in return ... I..regret that.'

I am cheering inside, Mom is going to be so proud of me for engineering this little exchange of frank opinions. I keep absolutely quiet.

'are you still angry with me, Seven?'

'...no. I was mistaken, Kathryn. I acted out of misadvised jealousy. I... I wanted to be you. the commander is not the right partner for me, though he would have been an acceptable first dalliance if it had not unsettled our relationship. I wish for us to renegotiate our parameters. I am undamaged, and have gained insight through this unfortunate experience. I wish us to put aside our anger on this matter. Is this acceptable?'

I am holding my breath at this point

'I will comply' says Kathryn with a smile of such happiness, that only now do I realise what this fracture has meant to her as well as Seven. When an'ele comes back with the designer's contact, she finds all three of us hugging, and 2 of us alternately crying and laughing.

Katie admitted that she did shut out Chakotay in those last few months, she had built a wall around her love and friendship. 'Damn, but I need lunch to do the hard part! in the end for us, in very truth it did turn out that for our last months of travel it was as Shakespeare would say

"Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;

Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;

Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears.

What is it else? A madness most discreet,

A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.'

Chapter 8: Chapter 8 - the doctor sings

The Doctor

Oh, but I feel the thrill of the theatre again, the nervousness of performance. I had sworn that after the sorry affair with the Qomar that I would bid adieu to such artistic endeavour. however, the Captain commanded, and where she commands...

I am nervous of this performance. I believe that we might sail quite closely to the wind! And when Commander Nerys was involved on DS9 with the commander, well, I thought it might be life imitating art.

hmm, I had better warm up my voice in a series of arpeggios 'la la la la la la laaaa, mi mi mi mi mi mi miiiiii' . Hmm, that has set Reg to warming his voice, well his needs it! We are ready to swash and buckle together. He has done a marvellous job of programming my costume changes, much better than Lt Torres, and without all the snark. hmm, well, the snark was perhaps well deserved.

I smile at Reg, we have truly become friends, sharing evenings, talking about our shared struggle to get recognition from our colleagues, and in some weird way, our friendship has helped us both. There is a vacancy in Reg's appartment block, and I am hoping to speak to the Captain about potentially adapting it and moving there. I would like to have a home environment of my own. Although I have had the run of starfleet with my holo-emitter, and my own space in the medical facility, it isn't quite the same.

well, final dress rehearsal calls us.

'Pour, oh, pour the pirate sherry,

Fill, O fill the pirate glass!'

-0-0-0-

Gretchen Janeway

I drop the tray. It slips out of my shaking hands, and I see the cups slowly slew across and then roll until they fall abruptly off the edge, tea arcing out and splashing the wood of the table, closely followed by the cups themselves, one losing a handle in the fall. shattering, like me. I sit abruptly down, hide my face from the shocked looks in front of me and cry. No, not cry, wail.

Seven years of pent up grief come keening out of me. More than seven, damn near a lifetime. I am grieving for every heartbreak that has affected this brave firstborn. I am grieving for every heartbreak that has hit me wrapped around her life. I can no longer hold back the torrents. A flood of emotion washes out across the room.

In the distance, through a tunnel, I hear her snap out commands and then her arms around me, pulling me into her embrace, stroking me like I was the daughter, loving. 'l love you mom' murmured over and over again. The banshee wail settles to a gentle sob, and I can hear more, I can feel the shaking of the body holding me, the clatter of the cleaning, and the increasing smell of coffee. I finally lift my head out of my arms on the table, and turn to the daughter half kneeling on the floor to embrace her back. 'i so love you, Katie' and as our sobs diminish, and Phoebe places the coffee and caramel brownies on the table, I notice Seven has not moved at all.

A deep breath and I sit up properly, 'well girls, where were we?' and Phoebe has the sense to place the mug of coffee back in my hands. . Seven is shaking her head, looking between Katie and I, muttering 'uncanny' 'well,' says katie. 'I thought I was giving you some wonderful, happy news!' and finally I can smile and laugh 'you have, oh you so have!' and this time, when the tears fall, it is with uncomplicated happiness, and we hug again. 'oh Katie, I am so happy!

Only after two brownies and my next mug of coffee, I think to ask about the father.

-0-0-0-

Will Riker

well, that is the starfleet announcement done. I have debriefed with Admiral Mitsuya. It was a fairly straightforwards debrief, as independent debriefs go. Starfleet has got into the habit of having a second debrief team for the first officer, so as to triangulate important missions. Sometimes, it can feel that there is a pull and tug between the different factions in starfleet, however, Mitsuya is not partisan and also we have a poker connection. He was mostly interested in the Voyagers, as he only was part of Janeway's debrief once, and like most, wants to meet her again.

'she is a risk taker, Riker, and I like risk takers. We need them!' he says with great relish.

I have promised to help broker a meeting. Once that was done, we discussed my upcoming nuptials, the warp 10 scuttlebutt has exploded on that one. Clearly, I have formally asked him for the admiralty's permission, since I am going to be a Captain, and the admiralty likes to be kept informed. It is just a courtesy, and one that has fallen by the wayside. He grants it, and then spends the rest of our debrief time discussing who I will crew my ship. He agrees to keep an eye on Lt Kim.

-0-0-0-

Kathryn Janeway

Our after, noon as faired better than our lunch! Mom is now enraptured by her new grandchild to be and the nearly doubled Janeway numbers since the addition of Seven and Icheb as well. As agreed, I discussed the evolution of our love into deep friendship and working trust, that saved me time and time again until Quarra, and the struggle we then had to re-balance, as Chakotay finally pulled away, and I lacked the strength to stop him, feeling that it would be best if at least one of us could find happiness. We had both forgotten the happiness we had found in our profound friendship, and the perils of command where finally overwhelming my ability to move between captain and person. As Seven said, which had gone straight to my heart, i no longer *saw* him, so I didn't see his need.

Seven took over the story, her attraction to Chakotay, her version of the dates. I can't believe Neelix helped her arrange this! But he would have seen Chakotay hurting, and would have wanted to help. He had moved on from Kes, the commander could move on from me. Hard though that is to think, I know that I would let it happen. I did let it happen, apparently. She details the steps, including their first kiss just as Admiral Janeway arrives and interrupts. Go me! I have impeccable timing. Phoebe wailed at her trying to avoid the awkwardness of anticipation 'Seveeeennnnnn,' she draws out, as she did when we were children and she thought I was an idiot 'anticipation is most of the *point* at that stage' and Seven looks momentarily discomfitted. 'don't worry, we'll teach you.' 'really' she responds drolly, clearly believing us to have the same level of skills as the doctor in the art of flirtation.

Then she pauses, we all did through that chaotic return, definitely classified, though the appearance of my future self was also classified. Actually, I admit to being relieved to hear her story. It feels like we are moving on. She took the pregnancy better than Mom anyway.

'I suggest cap...Kathryn that we alternate the dialogue of the ... triangle ... part of this tale' Seven says with great precision. She then kicks off with our entry into the alpha quadrant with Chakotay at her side, and her first intimation that there may be a problem. 'it was clear that there was something wrong with the atmosphere, and everyone on the bridge appeared to understand this. I was alone in my non comprehension. However, when you started 'banter' with Chakotay, and the crew responded, I realised it was because there was a supposition that the return to the alpha quadrant would reignite your courtship. And yet, Chakotay was not receptive as he was dating me' I place my best captain's mask on my face, and get a sympathetic pat from Phoebs. 'subsequently, you banished me from the bridge, assigning me a meaningless task, separating me temporarily from Chakotay and stating your intention of permanently assigning Icheb's familial designation. I was confused at the time, but now I can see the tactical purpose. However, I was already in doubt of Chakotay's intentions, as from that moment onwards he looked only at you.'

I blush. It is true that I am adept at manoeuvering people to my advantage, but I cannot recall how conscious i was of this. 'i just needed not to consider what I believed that I had lost. You are almost certainly right. ' Damnit but this is uncomfortable. Mom smiles reassuringly at me. I think a debrief with Nechayev might be preferable.

'then, when I returned, Chakotay was swinging you around in his arms, I was sure he would kiss you. He had clearly forgotten me. You were not discomforted by my presence, leading me to deduce that for you this was... friendship. when I left, however, I reviewed the scuttlebutt, and determined that if I would keep my friendship with Chakotay, then your closeness may present a .. difficulty. I was concerned with my presence in the alpha quadrant, and had found his support comforting.' Seven trails off. If this is difficult for me, I have to assume it is the case for her.

'we don't need to rake this over, Seven. We are both... thrown... by the change in circumstances leading to changed dynamics. I had had no idea before the Admiral that Chakotay and you were dating. And when we were home, I initially had decided that I would settle with being friends, my time had passed. But that walk, that damned walk Seven, it just all came flooding back. For both of us, I think.' I pause, biting my lower lip, and then smile at her. 'it was especially hard, because you were the two people I loved and trusted most on the ship... and it broke my heart. But being the alpha quadrant, I determined that I would love again, not become the admiral. I really would have tried'

'I believe our relationship was unsustainable in the alpha quadrant, even if your intervention had not occurred. Such an early termination was difficult for me, but I can see with clarity that what I was seeking was family and friendship more than romantic love. I needed to belong. I had not considered this, and my interaction with the doctor did not provide adequate information.' we all roll our eyes at this.

Mum goes into brisk mode. 'well, I believe that is mostly sorted.' but Phoebe interjects 'could I look at the walk and party images? I want to see the happy ever after' I look at Seven, who shrugs. I've not reviewed it before, and had planned to do it with Chakotay. How hard could it be?

And that is how I come to be sobbing on the couch, with seven awkwardly holding one hand when Chakotay surprises us by arriving to escort us to dinner.

-0-0-0-

Gretchen Janeway

It had all been going so well. Damn but i was proud of us, reconciling Katie and Seven, getting them to view the difficult shift. And then, then we get to the point where it stopped. Astrometrics. I turn to Katie but she is ahead 'this is where the love in my heart turned to ashes, and then was reborn in the love of all the crew' and she bursts into tears.

Seven moves across and attempts to comfort her. 'I was deceiving,' she says.'I stated that the commander and I were having a physical relationship. I had been discomfited by the earlier holo-images, and thought him slipping from our bond. I erroneously attempted to bind him to me and push you away. I regret this'

Suddenly there is a blur as chakotay rushes into the room and falls to his knees before Katie. 'Kathryn, love?' As Seven recounts they were watching the images of the Voyager walk and have arrived at astrometrics he lets out a long curse in his native tongue and Seven jumps back as if scalded. 'spirits, Kathryn, we were going to do this together!' A short pause as he gathers his next words, spoken low and tenderly ' I love you Kathryn, I loved you then, I love you now, I will love you forever'. I watch as he leans in to her, so that she places her arms around him, and he holds her gently. Words are tumbling from her lips, too corrupted by sobs for me to hear, I clasp Phoebe, who looks concerned.

'Kathryn, don't be sorry, we were all being the best we could at the time, all three of us made errors. we weren't perfect, we sometimes failed. but we were all magnificent, Kathryn. And now, now we get to heal and put the personal right. that's what you and seven have been doing, yes?' She gives him a watery grin and then puts her hand out to seven, and smiles at her too. 'yes' is all that she says.

I watch him kiss her gently, and all the care in the world goes into his love. I am reminded of her care for him that first weekend, when it was Chakotay that was requiring his attention.

'hormones' I say brightly, 'come on family, time to dress up ' I push Seven towards the stairs and Phoebe waves goodbye to meet the next day. She still looks concerned. However finally katie stands up, straightens and gets her mask firmly back on. there's my girl. 'hormones, mom!' and she grins 'call it having a wonderful day with family, just being...normal... again. And yeah, hormones.' she hugs phoebe and seven before going to their room.

Looking at chakotay, I smile and put my hand on his arm. 'it's OK,' I hope I can reassure him ' none of us expected you to return to us without wobbles along the way. She has done far better than I thought she would, and I have you, Deanna and the crew to thank for that' he smiles sheepishly 'lots of deanna' he tells me quietly and seriously, 'she didn't get debriefed today on deanna's orders. She shouldn't have had an active mission, we nearly lost her. All next week she will have deanna's blend of debrief and counselling. it has worked well for us so far. We are, actually, doing well, she says.'

'lots of *you*' I reaffirm. 'Heavens! Chakotay! I forgot! Congratulations' and we smile at each other. His smile of joy is indescribable. And then he winks at me ' a LOT of me!' And with a cheeky grin he runs upstairs two at a time to my mock outrage.

We are all going to be just fine, I tell Ed as I pass his image. In my head I hear his voice saying he never doubted it.

-0-0-0-

Deanna Troi

the meal is wonderful! Or is that the buzz from the janeway contingent. Chakotay is in dress uniform, escorting a radiant gretchen getting her to laugh and relax, whilst Icheb, also in uniform, is failing to balance the unsettled moods of Kathryn and seven. Both janeway sisters are in evening dresses, Kathryn's is demure as if she is stepping back from the limelight , whereas seven in scarlet will catch all the imagers waiting at the venue. Seven! I would love to be her counsellor. I can feel her emotions behind that ultra calm facade. When she looks at gretchen, relief and affection. Guilt and pride to Icheb, love jealousy and a bonding with Kathryn. She is studiously ignoring Chakotay.

Will, however, can charm anyone, including confused ex Borg drones. He has her laughing over the operetta and silliness of the plot. From the surprised faces I take it she rarely laughs.

It leaves Icheb free to settle Kathryn, who is more ruffled than I would hope. The darting glances of Chakotay and gretchen confirm it has been an emotional day. Mostly I am relieved that she is sharing her emotions with family. It is a good sign of reintegration.

i ask Icheb if he knows how many liberties have been taken with the operetta story and he blushes adorably. That bad then! Kathryn and I talk about the doctors singing. She clearly is proud of how he has broken the constraints of his programming. She defers to seven, who stumbles over her words of appreciation for the doctor, her best friend. The ringing endorsement she gives him covers quite a turmoil of feelings. Interesting.

Will kicks me.

Seven confesses the doctor has been quite boastful about this production, and of late has been distracted from their project an affiliation by Reg. She is slightly disdainful at this point, hoping Reg will not be another Tincoo. It takes Kathryn to explain the Qomar, and the doctor's romantic hopes. 'He would have left!' Seven interjects strongly. 'Our friendship was... Insufficient'

Kathryn has a special look of fondness for Seven. 'We all learn from our mistakes, particularly so when our hearts are affected. I do not believe our doctor would mistake scientific curiosity for love again. He was in need of more affection and companionship than we had realised.' She smiles wistfully 'so I tried to help remedy that. '

'Oh!' Is Seven's only response, but I need no empathetic skills to realise she is re-evaluating. 'I believe I may have made another error in relationships' she is as brutally honest with herself as others.

'I think you will find that there are always chances to reevaluate if you want them enough' Kathryn says gently. 'It just takes bravery, and I know you possess that' and the sisters smile at each other. I begin to think that Kathryn is probably now in charge of her healing.

The rest of the light meal is spent with ever more outrageous suggestions as to how our characters and honor may be traduced by the starfleet annual operetta. We are all quite hysterical by the time Seven reminds us it is time to leave

'Time to, what is that saying? Face the music!'

-0-0-0-

the doctor

i am so excited! Reg and I can hardly breathe due to the excitement. In our pirates dressing room, various news feeds have shown admirals arriving, but are now focussing on a group laughing as they arrive.

i would recognise that walk anywhere. I may be made of photons, but I swear my heart lurches as seven coolly looks directly at a camera. She is talking about me! How much my friendship means to her! And her delight in my singing. I can hardly breathe, and reg seems to be squealing. A most odd noise to make, like an oversized hamster sneeze.

i try to tell him to desist, but he indicates another monitor where the captain is also talking to reporters, about my humanity and individuality. Seeing me as much as her crewmen as the 'non-photonics' . When some rude little man suggests it is just programming she smiles her view screen smile, and says I escaped the confines of that many years ago, and that she has high hopes of my sentience being recognised in due course. She the allows Will Riker to sweep them inside, having confirmed he is excited to see the production, which he is assured will sail close to the wind as always.

I look at reg with undisguised glee! We have managed a coup of good fortune, with some of the main protagonists of the operetta remodelled in the image of my guests. Guests that emphasise my skills and individuality.

yes yes! Time to go on!

throughout I am glancing at the seats whet my guests sir. Centre front. I see Riker and Deanna grin at the pirate King and Chakotay roll his eyes and slump at the leather clad maori Freddie. That is until Kathryn's sly comment makes him grin at her.. I watch seven watching me, keeping focuses on me and applauding me. Perhaps we can develop our friendship still.

as the major generals daughters appear, there are prolonged cheers, and will kisses deannas hand whilst Kathryn covers her face with her hands, though from her shoulders I can see she is laughing. Chakotay is grinning and whispering to her, clearly enjoying that they are the love interest. This causes me some relief as I am aware their relationship has not been widely acknowledged even tho scurrilously reported in parts. It also puts paid to the rumours of infidelity, which had concerned me since his callous treatment of Seven.

the most cheers come when admiral Paris, attending with wife, son and daughter in law, stands and takes a bow after his on stage major general completes his rather wonderful solo. It brings the house down. I think he rather likes the personification.

I believe this is what gives commanders Riker and troi the idea to stand and showcase the dazzling diamond ring she wears after the pirate King breaks the confines of Sullivan's writing and marries the Deanna major generals daughter after some will they won't they flirting. There are some shouted comments about the length of time it has taken them to make this step.

Kathryn and Chakotay just smile and shake heads for their part whenever Mabel and Freddie have a scene together. I can't be the only one to see their hands entwined. They don't try and share the limelight despite encouragement from their party, particularly will who is ferociously jocular.

the atmosphere is electric as we all take our curtain calls, the thrill of performance is back with me, and the standing ovations from my voyager friends gives me that uncomfortable dilemma of having more emotions than my photons can carry.

this sensation returns to me when the janeway and Paris parties ask for admission backstage at the end to thank us all. They briefly attend the cast party, for which my fellow singers thank me, and are glowing in their commendation. Even B'Elanna was approving, I may rethink her appreciation of music. The admiral did ask the captain to cease and desist on my sentience front for now. Patience is required, apparently.

I look for seven, and she reminds me that she is my biggest fan. As they leave she presses a gentle kiss on my cheek. I am sure it is platonic but still my feet do not settle on the ground until long after I have returned to my base at starfleet medical.

there are different voyagers at all the performances. My fears of being forgotten by my crew mates appear unfounded. The captain returned safely once again and showered me with her concern. Seven kissed me.

-0-0-0-

i guess I am being quite indulgent here with my writing of them all settling in. No great plot or angst. I hope that it is still enjoyable. Just keen to give them all some normal! Please review.

Chapter 9: Chapter 9 - goodbye to an old friend

Mark Johnson

I cannot help it, I am nervous, excited, reluctant. Gretchen Janeway contacted me. Well, she has contacted me a couple of times since Kath returned. She contacted the first weekend to say that she was home and well. She contacted me when Kath went missing again, and then to say she had been rescued. Now, she has contacted me to ask me whether I want to pay them a short visit.

i know from the fednews that Kath is not my Kath any longer. She is changed, older, more confident, assured in her role as captain/leader. And she is also not mine because I can see how she looks at her first officer. I can see how she moves around him. It should be impossible to resent her for this. After all, I moved on, I married. And yet... did she love him from the first? did he comfort her when she was lost? was she relieved when my letter arrived?

Don't mistake me, I am happy in my marriage, in my family, in a way that I know that is very different from the life I would have had with Kath. A timeshare marriage, bartering for her time with starfleet. Would I have managed to tie her closer to earth, and would she have resented me, or would she have flown free and I resented her? could we have adjusted and made it work. Sometimes it is best not to consider what might have been, and just what is. We are both lucky and happy now.

My wife, Serena, tells me not to be foolish about this. She is wry, laughing and sympathetic about this upcoming meeting. She reminds me that I am hers, and I grin back. That is certainly true. I have pledged myself truly to her, loving her fully. I make up my mind. I do not need to see Kath for closure, it happened years ago. I certainly don't need to see her on the invitation of her mother. However, if she would like to see me, then we can meet.

I comm Gretchen, asking her to discuss with her daughter, Kath, if she would like to meet me at some point, a venue of her choice, plus or minus family. No urgency, at Kath's timing.

-0-0-0-

Kathryn Janeway

I have hardly made it to coffee - decaff - when the nausea hits. I can't believe it. I haven't been nauseated at all so far this pregnancy, and I am what 10 weeks now? its not terrible, but it certainly makes me smile when mom passes over some hot buttered toast 'to take the edge off' and swaps the coffee for a ginger tea. I can smile at her now. I've been a bit late to rise today, and mom tells me that chakotay and icheb are already out doing something for the front gate. Apparently it has a patch of rot, so chakotay is mending it, splicing in a new piece, and Icheb is desperate to paint it bright red. 'command red he said, Kathryn. As if I could forget!' 'lets hope the rest of the fence doesn't become black, or worse, the new dull grey!' I brightly respond to her sigh.

The nausea is passing away, at last, so i get up, ready to go out to see the work in progress 'katie?' mom asks hesitantly 'mark wondered if you wanted to meet at some point' and i lump myself back down into the seat. Mark. i guess I really haven't thought much about him. He wasn't here when we arrived, so I had just... moved on. The whirlwind with Chakotay, and then settling everyone in, and the new mission. Well, Mark has slipped out of my priority field of vision.

'ok, mom. do it' I can do this.

-0-0-0-

Mark Johnson

I have walked this way so many times in the past. Not for a long while now. Always before with a sense of eager anticipation. I think there is still that essence of anticipation, although I don't know what to expect. I don't even know what I want. I am happy in my life, and I suspect happier than I might have been, although this feels disloyal. Will I feel that pull of attraction again, do I want to feel that pull of attraction. I don't think so.

Perhaps, what I really am hoping for is some closure, to say that we had a great time, but that it wasn't right. That maybe the best we can hope for is to pick up on the friendship we shared for years, should there be any connection, or go for a civilised goodbye.

Perhaps, what I would like is her forgiveness for moving on, an understanding.

As I approach the house, I can see that Gretchen has been having work done, there are two workmen currently working on the gate and fence. The man is tanned and well muscled, working in just his shorts, planing wood to fix the gate. The teen, his apprentice presumably, is also in shorts, but has the weirdest row of metal ornaments along his spine. It always surprises me what the youngsters these days will do in the name of fashion.

I wave a jaunty greeting to them as I pass through the entrance, it is always important to be polite. The older man turns and faces me, with a careful return of my greeting. I would recognise that face anywhere, it has been gracing my jealousy for the last few months.

'chakotay! Her first officer' I blurt out 'sorry' I then follow 'rude of me, but …' and I struggle a bit here 'erm, meeting you this way is unexpected' He nods at me, and the start of a smile. Tall dark and handsome. Damn.

'chakotay,' he agrees 'I would offer to shake hands, but' and he waves his wood covered hands at me. He nods at the younger boy , 'Icheb' he offers 'my son'. I turn to look, and now the metalwork on the spine makes sense, completed with the bar in place of an eyebrow, and it is rude to look to closely to see what else of the Borg remains.

'good to meet you to, I thought you were Kathryn's…' and I fade in confusion. Kathryn had adopted him, but… ah. He greets me back, and tells me his mom is in the house. I nod and move towards the doorway. This has been more awkward than expected.

However, as I arrive, Gretchen is already opening the door and drawing me into an embrace.

'Mark, it is so good to see you again' and she takes me through to the kitchen. There, nursing a mug of presumably coffee like she has never been away, is Kathryn.

-0-0-0-

Icheb

Honestly, I felt chakotay's prickles well before I noticed the arrival of Mr Johnson. I wouldn't have know him if I hadn't spent so much time with Grandma's image albums. He is Mom's fiancée. Or was. He is an exceptionally well dressed civilian, and tall with greying hair and a thoughtful face. Some of the crew had wondered whether Mom's hologram Irishman had been modelled on him, but this isn't the case. He is instead smooth shaven and not at all rugged looking. This is a city dweller.

He politely bids us good day, and then nearly falls over as Chakotay stands up and turns around. It is clear that they both know who they are facing. I wonder if Mr Johnson can sense the tense stance of Chakotay, it is his prepared looseness, ready to protect. I'm not an expert on relationships, but I can see that there is more than a simple greeting here!

I could smirk when Chakotay calls me his son. However, I also know how the commander works, and this is a statement of ownership, of me and Mom. So I smile at the stranger, and direct him to 'mom' in the house as chakotay gives an approving grin. We are family.

-0-0-0-

Mark Johnson

She stands up, with her half smile and walks towards me. It is Kath, my friend. I smile, open my arms and wrap her in a bear hug. Her hair smells the same, but she is different in my arms. She no longer belongs there. I release her with a laugh, telling her how good it is to see her at last. And there it is, the crux of what I need to say. I hold both her hands as i look directly at her 'Kath, I couldn't carry on waiting, I loved and laughed again. Our time had gone. I can't regret that. We had a wonderful friendship, that we pushed into more because I wanted it. I'm not sure we were right. I think you might have moved on too? I hope so, I hope that there has been love in your journey.'

She pulls her hands away and turns to face the window. She never did like looking directly whilst the window to her soul was open. 'No, Mark, I didn't accept love out there. I had a job to do and they were all my crew. I so nearly lost all chance of happiness.' and she turns round with tears in her eyes 'but I got handed a second chance, and this time I grabbed it once Earth was in sight and my self imposed isolation over.'

'oh Kath' and my heart breaks for her.

'come,' she says, brushing aside her weakness, I am no longer privy to her inner world. She takes me to the door and looks out at where chakotay and icheb are working with the light-house smile that used to guide me home. 'boys' she says imperiously, and Icheb laughs as he looks up and comes, and Chakotay quirks an eyebrow, reminding me of tuvok, letting a slight smile play on his lips until she says 'please, come and meet mark' and he lazilly strolls forwards, saying he will quickly freshen up first, and demanding the same from Icheb.

They join us in the kitchen, aided by Gretchen's brownies we are introduced. I am surprised that Kath's drink is a herbal tea, like Chakotay. I guess things change. As she tells me a bit about being away, and he interjects, I become sure that she has also found the right man for her. As I listen, and then answer the occassional question put at me about life, I see the utter disbelief in chakotay's eyes that I could move on and be happy without her.

I realise, as she must to, that there has just been too much. I am a memory of a past, of a divergent time to her and she to me. It has been wonderful to meet her again, know she is alive and joyous, but not for me. I am glad that she beat all the odds, she is extraordinary. As I stand to bid farewell, we are both aware that neither of us will seek the other out again.

-0-0-0-

Chakotay

And I can breathe out. Most of me knew that she wasn't going to fall back into his arms, declare undying love or cry over what had been lost. I wondered if there would still seem to be something there. That small voice in my head was wondering if she partly held back over all these years because I couldn't measure up to what they had shared.

However, it is done and over. There was no spark between them. Nothing. Just politeness to respect a memory that both have moved away from. Gretchen punches me as she passes, seeing my widest smile. 'you should trust me' she murmurs. 'this was needed for both of them. They never really were a good match, but circumstance persuaded them both. Now they both know what I knew years ago. Now, go and let her overthink this with you' I laugh and join Kathryn, suggesting we take a walk.

As we walk, it takes little persuading for her to tumble out the history of friendship and love with Mark. It is a Kathryn a world away from the woman before me. The Kath that Mark shared was desperate for stability, to blank out the desperation of loving and losing justin, mixed with guilt. He gave her a gentle rolling countryside, a peaceful haven. It would never be enough, she needs the moon and stars to the deepest ocean. She needs to love outrageously and magnificently, and be loved in that way. I recall a line from her favourite shakespeare. indeed we are 'too wise to woo peaceably'. As we share a gentle kiss back by the porch, I am overwhelmed again with the rightness. I love nothing in this world as much as this woman.

We are dressing for the evening when she talks about the letter from Mark, her dear john. 'oh, Chakotay, I was so close to telling you that I was torn between holding true to the parameters of our relationship or casting them aside and letting our love flourish.'

I smile wryly back. 'perhaps I should have been more direct at the time, pushed a bit.'

'hmm, telling me that in your opinion I was hardly alone, and to your way of thinking, there's still plenty of time made me doubt us, and by the time I had had plenty of time to think about it, you had fallen in love with someone else'

'kellin' I murmur.

She strokes my cheek. 'but here we are now. This is our time, finally' and our past is losing the power to hurt us. We made choices to the best of our ability at the time. Some were... regrettable. She is dressed in a smart but still relaxed pantsuit, flowing silk tunic over palazzo trousers. I reminds me of the outfit she wore when she went flying with leonardo. Spirits but we have shared a great adventure.

'I wouldn't have it any other way, Kathryn.' and it is true. We have carried on loving despite all that the universe and our own stubborn and contrary natures could devise to work against us. I am finally doubt free, and ready.

gretchen is calling though, and this particular moment can wait.

-0-0-0-

Mark johnson

'well' I say to serena 'I'm back' and she places our son on my lap and smiles. We know each other, and I need say no more.

-0-0-0-

Gretchen Janeway

I watch my three girls and my potential new son, as well as my grandson mingle with the family. Katie supports them, laughs and greets all as if they were the most important family members she left behind. It is joyous. I hear her talk to Martha about Shannon O'Donnell, always such a heroine, and wonder as Seven is moved on by Icheb as she starts to join in. Apparently Shannon wasn't all that the family history remembers. She did, however, ignite a passion in my Katie.

pre-warned and pre-encouraged, there are no murmurings about the Borg and the maquis in our family. Instead, they are all taken in and welcomed. Chakotay's dimples charming the birds from the trees, and Icheb's earnestness delighting all the older family members. Seven is Seven, beautiful, aloof and rather too direct. However, she is one of us now.

Our family is ready to open the door to joy and laughter. We are settling into the patterns of home, family and love that will last through the generations. I stroke the face of Ed as I pass. This image of him taken soon after Phoebe was born. I wish he could still be with us. I am sure he would be proud at the unusual extensions to the family, and I make sure I mention this to Katie, who has viewed me with concern.

So gradually the threads are coming together, and the pattern is clear. I just wait for Chakotay to declare himself, and weave into the pattern. I can sense that he is now ready. It won't be long now. Then I can rest a while. I'm not as young as I was.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10 - a little bit of loving

Chakotay

I have smiled and fetched, carried, come and gone so much this evening that I am more exhausted than from a first contact diplomatic event. I have met more of Kathryn's family than I ever want to meet in one space again. Particular diplomacy skills required over the number of different ways her relatives can allude to my honorable intentions. If I wasn't so damned honorable, we would have had a better time of it out there. Best smile chakotay. Spirits, but I will be pleased when the house empties again.

I grin at Aunt Martha as she hands me a beer before I am swept into another group. Yes, I certainly do deserve it, no, I don't tend to drink to excess. Yes, I have been Kathryn's first officer, yes I was maquis, no I don't consider myself a terrorist, yes i think my seven years in the delta quadrant has hopefully helped starfleet form a positive opinion of me. no we weren't involved on voyager, we were strictly professional [more or less] it was too dangerous to consider personal circumstances. yes, the tattoo has a family significance. No, I am not sure whether you would consider me pagan or shamanistic. I follow the traditions of my people. erm, we haven't discussed it, no not at all, we have only just started dating. Yes, we are rather well suited, yes we do know each other well, we were best friends and trusted close colleagues for seven years. and so it goes on.

I know she is there even as her uncle? step cousin? random stranger turns and smiles at her. 'Sorry Uncle Martin, I must just take Chakotay to help mom put some of the crocks away. He has the benefit of height' and with her best smile she whisks me through the kitchen, completely empty of gretchen, and into the pantry. She shuts the door and we are hidden in the total darkness, surrounded by...

'kathryn' I grin as I feel her hands on my chest and then arms wrap around me. A secret smooch away from the guests. 'Chakotay' in that sultry voice, sotto voce as she moves in against me. The kiss is like a first kiss all over again. nervousness and expectation. Hiding in her mothers pantry and making out like kids. All her family out there, no privacy lock. Spirits but I want her. This is no simple or romantic assignation. As she moves away from my lips, the pull drags me with her, and I become active, pushing her against, well whatever it is, my thigh between her legs, my hands caressing desperately everything I can reach, owning her, needing her. my mouth plundering hers, excited by the moans that escape, the strength she uses to pull me towards her. The want. She is everything.

'kathryn' I moan again as her sure and deft hands are undoing my belt, palming me, setting me free. her mother is going to kill us. She shimmies out of her pants and without hesitation lifts herself up and we are both lost. oh spirits but the love making is frantic, desperate, exciting and therefore quickly though explosively over. I hold her close, whispering I love her, holding onto the moment. She is so closely joined that I feel the fractional moment where she tenses, before she covers her mouth with her hand and then rests her head against my shoulder. The dark is all pervasive, I can't tell her emotions as it sinks in what we have just done. hopefully amusement not horror. My emotions are clear though, and if she could see, the large self satisfied smile that covers my face is evidence that I am both surprised and delighted by the ability to become a cadet again.

In our stillness we hear the footsteps on the kitchen slate floor. They come to an abrupt stop the otherside of the pantry door. Neither of us dare breathe.

'Kathryn Janeway, I am going to turn around and stand the other side of the kitchen door for five minutes. You have that time to smarten up. You too chakotay. Don't let me catch you again'

we both are silent as we listen to the retreat of the footsteps and the door closing, and then Kathryn opens the pantry door. Now I can see that it is laughter she has held back, and we both silently laugh as we straighten out, using the kitchen sink and cloth to clean up before recycling it. A quick review, and we are done.

Kathryn grabs my hand as she exits, swinging her hips saucilly. I darent meet Phoebe's eyes, as she stands guard at the door. 'you should be pleased it wasn't mom or seven' she hisses 'you owe me' as she mock punches my arm when I pass by. Kathryn roars a laugh. 'honestly pheebs, that is jealousy talking' and I push her back into the lounge to accidently catch the knowing eye of gretchen. OK, I have some making up to do.

When the guests are gone and I offer to help clean, she gives me the pantry to tidy and I just laugh.

-0-0-0-

Kathryn Janeway

i was uncharacteristically asleep when Chakotay made it up to our bedroom. No doubt he did appropriate penance in cleaning for our teenage misdemeanor. I don't believe mom will hold a grudge. She is far too happy that we are home, far too happy that there is an 'us' to misbehave. Thank the stars that it wasn't Seven who caught us. I giggle at the thought, and it persuades the sleeping lump of a man to snuggle closer, pulling me towards him. he mumbles into my shoulder and with a wriggle backwards to press against him, I can feel that he is close to waking.

'shameless temptress' are his opening words for the day. I snort with laughter, and make the wriggle against him more pronounced as he wakes up in earnest. I am not sure whether it is the pregnancy hormones, or the seven damn years of near drought, but i love sharing my life and my bed with this man. I think we established early on that i love languid morning sex.

I snooze after and chakotay is up, showered and I can hear the low tones of his voice periodically. I am home. The people I love are surrounding me in this house, and I say my morning thankyou for the admiral, releasing me from the alternate future, and instead I am here and pregnant. The admiralty may snipe that it is personal gain that motivated her, and maybe that did play a part. but she got us home. properly home, where we could make new lives in happiness.

I'm still smiling at the amount of positive stories my voyagers tell of their settling. My PADD routinely has messages of potential placements wanted, images of crew meeting family, going to places they had dreamed of. The message boards are full of meeting up, arranging meals, comparing notes, and of course a flurry of reports of the star pirates of penzance. There are also the sprinkling announcements of engagements, pregnancy and home setting up as well as some goodbyes for now, as new lives are begun. It's not all positive. There are family losses to grieve and be comforted over, recovering from the Breen attack and the dominion war, losses of fellow cadets and officers. We are family, we share the joys and the hurts. The boards are going to crazy when we finally announce our pregnancy. I am keen to reach that magic 12 week milestone.

Chakotay interrupts my reverie and PADD absorption, bringing me hot buttered toast and ginger and cinnamon tea. My stomach is tempted to rebel, but perched on the tray is also a hypospray to combat the nausea and I take it willingly and wrap my robe about me before sitting up to eat. 'I love watching you eat' Chakotay grins 'you just never did enough eating. Actually, I just love watching you' he picks up my PADD as I make appreciative noises at the tea and toast. I point out some of the highlights from the voyager scuttlebutt. He is concerned over Rollins acquisition of a dog, and eyes me nervously. 'no dogs until we have a permanent home, Kathryn!' I make a face 'or at least we have mastered a baby!' and i laugh at him. A dog is very tempting.

He's right, we do need to plan a home, and that is probably going to happen much later in this pregnancy. Until then we will have a starfleet quarters, a ds9 stopover and if and when he makes a commitment, maybe something on Dorvan too. six months more of our old life though, and then we will carve out a family friendly future. Chakotay notices the grin and kisses my forehead.

'rise and shine, Kathryn, spend some time with your mom and sisters. Icheb and I have some homesteading to do as your mom is making me pay for *your* indiscretion.' my cackle of laughter follows him as he takes the stairs two at a time.

Chapter 11: Chapter 11 - a party

Tuvok

T'Pel checks my clothes with a practiced eye and nods acceptability. I return the nod. In all our years she has yet to find an imperfection. It is a reassuring routine of our partnership. I am now in full health, and the extended familial break has reinforced our stability.

My wife and I have arrived on Earth in good time for the promotions ceremony and the Homecoming Ball. Starfleet has apologetically asked if I will spend much of the following week in debrief. I believe that they wish my review of the senior staff, my logical approach and long history within Starfleet will add a non-emotional perspective.

it is an incorrect assumption that we perpetuate, that Vulcan's do not experience emotions. My emotions contain the full depth of any species, but I have control. That control was eroded during my time on Voyager, but has restrengthened following the fal-tor-voh treatment. The Vulcan institute overseeing my treatment gained insight into the condition, and believe it was caused by damage from chroniton particles, and that I was almost certainly part of at least one time reset, and also from the connection with the Borg Collective. It is writing guidance for deep space missions to advise on this unusual condition.

I remain fond of my Voyager family and particularly the Captain, Icheb and Naomi Wildman. I have a sense of pleasant anticipation for our upcoming reunion. The mind meld has shown my family more than my words could have done both the hardship and the joy of the journey. It has also shown me that my perspective on non-vulcan behaviours will always be altered by the experience. Indeed, I may have adapted to some non-Vulcan behaviours of my own, as it was clear that I feel a true familial responsibility for many of the crew rather than the expected paternal leadership. My son has stated that I appear to have developed a 'sense of humour'. Although this is, apparently 'a concern to my family' T'Pel appears to be dealing with this with equanimity. I believe I have as great a propensity for laconic responses as I have always had, but perhaps use some of the ability to infer a subtext with the same set of words.

Arm in arm we leave the starfleet accommodation to the transporter. We are expected in Indiana by the Captain's mother. It will be a surprise reunion. The subterfuge to hide the even larger evening get together. It is .not a if the Captain has ever shown partiality to surprises. The opposite position is more to her taste. This decoy meeting to hide the preparations is illogical. However, I am ... looking forwards ... to my reunion with the captain.

-0-

'tuvok! t'pel! Oh, I am so glad to see you. No-one told me you might be coming. mother! how long have you known! Tuvok, how long have you been on earth?' and we are escorted into the kitchen, where Gretchen presents us with Vulcan spice tea and caramel brownies. The captain continues speaking questions faster than a spread of photon torpedos. In the end I raise my hand.

'captain, I am glad to see you healthy. Clearly the alpha quadrant has had more ... excitement ... than anticipated, and I have been informed that you have lost none of your ... recklessness. It is therefore some relief to find you still in one piece, though I had thought I had trained Lt Ayala better.'

She grins at me '3 ships and over 20 years together, and yet you show surprise that the unexpected is my normal!' her face looks more serious 'you trained them well, Tuvok. Without the cross training programme you initiated, and our all personnel physical and weapons training we would have been in more trouble. They had no idea that I could kick ass!' and she actually hoots with laughter.

'who are you, and what have you done with the real Captain Janeway?' I deadpan to the increasing peel of laughter. I believe that I am happy that my friend is finally so relaxed. T'pel gazes at me, with a hint of a frown. The delta quadrant has undubitably changed me. Gretchen charms T'Pel, and I believe Kathryn does too.

'ah, commander chakotay. I am pleased so see that you also look health' he slips in and sits beside Kathryn. I need no touch telepathy to feel the joy between them. We spend the next two hours with them gently teasing me and sharing the familial warmth of Voyager. It does mean that T'Pel hears of some of the unfortunate pranks played by an ever more inventive Paris and Kim demented duo. The frequent subversion of my holoprograms and music was an all too common hazard. However, they were usually at the receiving end of my more 'inventive' training programmes and on a number of occasions chaotica was found to speak vulcan verse and Neelix could be persuaded to try his more exciting recipes on the duo. I find i miss Neelix. Kathryn admits to knowing both my age and my birthday, which shocks the commander, as this was a long running question on the bridge in quieter moments, and also another long running pool of Lt Paris. He pretends to be aggrieved at her lack of sharing.

Seven joins us. I congratulate her on joining a fine collective of Janeway's, something that does seem to be assimilating more crewmembers than expected. I nod at chakotay, whose assimilation must follow shortly, as through my heightened sense of smell and the natural changes of pheromones associated with pregnancy I am already aware of what is currently concealed. Swift work. Seven permits a smile, whereas Gretchen gives a full laugh. 'you have no idea Tuvok, I had resigned myself to my fate, just phoebe and her two, and now I have two more daughters, another grandson, paris's grand-daughter is my grand-goddaughter and I have an omnipotent grand-godson to boot and... ' she smiles, catching herself 'options for expansion! ' winking at Chakotay, she then sweeps up Kathryn and my wife into a discussion about our children and grandchildren.

It gives Seven the opportunity to surprise me. Something that few achieve. 'Tuvok, I require to know whether same sex romantic assignations are engaged in by vulcan women' it is certainly straight to the point. I take a moment to consider how to best answer this. 'it would be uncommon, Seven, as are any Vulcan romantic assignations with non Vulcans. The concept is beset with problems, not least some of the ritual around pair bond formation. Being Vulcan in itself is not inimical to such a relationship, but it is unlikely' she smiles fully at that and moves to talk instead about disciplinary techniques for emotions, and whether I could recommend a mentor here on earth. She surprises me again by telling me that it came as a recommendation from Lt Torres.

A very pleasant couple of hours is spent until Gretchen mentions that she has invited 'a few' of the Voyager family over to celebrate my recovery, and the 'away team's' safe return. She shows T'Pel and I to the guest quarters and hustles Kathryn to change for a 'small party'. I have known gretchen for as more years than I have known her daughter, and am thankful of the number of inherited characteristics passed down. When she insists that I will dance too, I nod and acquiesce.

-0-0-0-

Icheb

'itchy!' he shouts 'what do you think?' as he gets me to look at the dome he has created over the courtyard of the barn area. The barn on grams property is larger than the house all told, it has a central 2 story building, once used for hay and machinery, but now converted into a two story guest house in one half, and an office suite and storage loft in the other. there are then two long single story buildings making two further sides of a large square, one has stables for horses, a hay storage area and a tack room, and the other is predominantly for vehicles. both have washrooms. As well as the dome encompassing the whole of the courtyard, Q has created a podium area, set up the 'sound system' - too much tom paris influence there - and the front of the vehicle barn now has tables ready to pile high with food. and then seating areas spilling out from the fourth open side, with their own domed protector, and multiple gazebo and arbours draped with all number of non indigenous flowering plants for privacy. It is truly spectacular. I make a thumbs up sign.

Admiral Paris beams in at the entrance point, and his biosign is registered and approved, allowing him entrance. It is done seamlessly, you might not even notice. This place has state of the art protection, you can't film or record from outside the domes, you can't target lock, and you certainly can't rematerialise anything inside. Quaestor says he has added some more futuristic defences. If we ever need a place of safety, we should aim for here until there is an admirals yacht, and then that will also do at a push. 'this is my family too itchy!' I grin back. 'It is the best QJ' he laughs. It stands for Q Junior, but passes for Q Janeway as well.

Paris senior is delighted. Any suggestions he makes are immediately actioned with a snap of Q fingers, a dance floor, soft lighting in the domes, which look like gently swirling fireflies, though they release more light, and pulsate through different colours. 'What the dickens are they? ' Paris expostulates 'best not to ask' Says Quaestor shiftily 'but they are well contained, and there are no breeders in there, well, I think there aren't' As the sun sets, the lighting in the arbours appears, all across the stable and barn blocks, we just need the people. A further snap, and Quaestor and I are both dressed, the holoemittors snap on, with the waiters now ready. The power source for this is not to be discussed, some futuristic device that QJ has hidden and protected under the courtyard.

Time to greet the guests at the transport point. Voyagers, their families and some pre-vetted friends and new colleagues, some Enterprise senior staff and engineers. A few admirals sneaking in unofficially. This is going to be some crazy party. QJ and I grin at each other. Once our welcoming duties are over, there are some female cadets that we hope to get to know better.

'front and centre, look lively' booms a smiling Admiral Paris. There is no doubt about our alacrity in compliance.

-0-0-0-

Kathryn Janeway

Chakotay is teasing me again. Damn him. Since this party is an unofficial family celebration, he has opted for chinos and partially buttoned chambray shirt. Casual elegance he calls it. damnit, but these pregnancy hormones have me perpetually distracted. The partially buttonned look just has my fingers twitching to unbutton the whole damn lot and then...

'kathryn, get dressed woman! We will never get out if you sit there semi naked giving me the eye' and I smirk at that, especially when he steps forwards and I very definitely give him the eye, top to toe. 'gretchen has us on a timer, so behave. Spirits save me from wanton women' and I quirk my eyebrow 'well, save me temporarily' he laughs and kisses my forehead before dancing away. 'oh no you don't!' muttering petulantly about part time lovers i quickly dress. i have a black silk cami and matching pants, and then one of those draping silk tunic jackets in olive green. I look relaxed in it, it isn't show stealer -there are some fabulous show stealer costumes amongst the others. Still, it is wonderfully tactile and feels good on.

We go down and get approval from Mom. 'Understated and classy', she nods at both of us, 'no doubt a good contrast to at least one of your sisters!' phoebe's husband is very similarly dressed to Chakotay, leading me to comment that I can mix and match, and his kids Katelyn and Paul are in their party best. We all admire them. phoebe, well wow! She is in this nod to a much earlier time, with perhaps the 1959's in mind? a halter neck in polka dot pink and net underskirts. chakotay wolf whistles and I punch his upper arm. although pheebs grins, her next words are a concern. 'you haven't seen anything yet. here is the youngest janeway' and seven descends in that outrageous 'risa' dress with bikini bottoms, held together by a clasp at the front she bought last week. She fixes a triumphant glare on chakotay as if to say 'look what you let go' and he chokes beside me. with mock outrage i cover his eyes, to cheers from Pheebs.

'Seven Janeway!' mom explodes 'what do you think you are wearing!' and the rest of us scamper out of the room as quickly as we can. Pheebs and I have had this conversation many times before. 'Mother, this is an informal gathering amongst friends. I have determined that I wish to consider a series of intimate assignations without commitment, and I believe this dress represents that desire?' from our hiding place in the kitchen, Pheebs and I clutch each other, uncertain whether horror or a giggle is the best expression. we would never have dared to tell mom that our inappropriate dress was because we wanted to have sex! we then both turn in unison to glare at our other halves, ensuring they are in no doubt as to their ownership. Also, because both of them are laughing, and the kids want to know why.

'Hmm, Seven. I am aware that this directness is a result of Borg no nonsense, but you may be erm advertising something that you don't want to follow through'

'mother, I have the strength to protect myself from unwanted advances. However, this being the Voyager crew there will be no need to do so. The Captain ran a very tight ship'

Phew! at least I get a positive mention. We all stand, uncertain whilst mom decides. 'ship out janeway's' she calls, and we partner up and she leads us out, with a grandchild in each hand. Tuvok and T'Pel choosing this moment to join us, with admirable control of their eyebrows. Seven follows behind, preparing for her grand entrance.

'regret?' i ask chakotay. I don't think I really have any concerns, though that look of Seven's would maybe have won the day at the voyager party. 'not that shallow, Kathryn' he gives me a stern response. I can smile widely, ok, it wouldn't have made any difference. Whatever her clothing, Seven is beautiful. 'stupid woman' he mutters as he kisses my hair.

-0-0-0-

Tom Paris

Dad is in his element, talking to all the crew, Miral in his arms. He, Quaestor and Icheb have certainly created a great party space. B'E and I grab an arbour table and hope harry, Mike and the delaney girls will join us. since we are amongst the first arrivers, we can run a commentary as others arrive. the doc arrives with reg and I think that must be Dr Zimmerman, who came with Haley to see the pirates of penzance yesterday. It is still a bit of a shock when she suddenly materialises as we hit the holoemitter zone. Clearly they sit together. The voyagers fill in, Tal and Billy briinging a surprise Harren. I had thought he was busy solving the origin of the universe.

The place soon fills, I hug Har, Mike and the girls and wave and greet the variety of ensigns that go via our table. Culhane, Grimes and Baytart arrive together. They have been a less obvious trio than myself, Har and B'E, but providing the same level of pranks to ensigns and crewmembers. we high five as they move on cheered over by some of the younger female crewmembers. Nicoletti and Molina give B'E a hug as they pass through, each with a plus one not from voyager. Sam, Gresh and Naomi are also introduced before they go and join the doc's table. That is not the best table for entertaining conversation!

The enterprise senior staff appear as a group, B'e hopping up to greet them, in particular a whispered conversation with Deanna and Beverly before bringing Geordi and his plus one, a Lt Mary Shore junior medic, to join us on the table. Most of the party have arrived, when there is a stir and our command team try and slip in unnoticed. We stand and cheer. Always, whilst Katie blushingly asks us to sit. We cheer also for Tuvok, and I am damn sure there is a smile in response. Certainly he walks with more pride. He joins the captain and chakotay, as do riker, picard, troi and crusher. 'hey B'E! are Picard and Crusher on a date?' I let out a low whistle, as Geordi laughs. 'worst kept secret on enterprise. They stopped keeping it once your two had been so... obvious'

The whole place falls silent as Seven arrives. 'what the hell is she wearing!' B'E growls. I'm speechless, as are pretty much every other male I should imagine! Poor Harry, he is really bad at hiding this, and receives a punch from Jenny. Me, well I have already stopped looking, and instead am ogling b'e and grinning at her. 'good thing you never had to be so obvious!' and our harmony is intact. let's face it, b'e's outfit is enough for me, strappy bronze short almost two piece dress due to the cut outs, with glittery layered fringes that swirl with all her movements.

Seven does come past to say hello before standing infront of poor Captain Picard. 'Locutus' she enunciates 'I have looked forward to meeting you' . I guess years of Counsellor Troi's mother have trained him well, as I swear his eyes don't leave her face as he stands up. 'Seven, the pleasure is all mine' as he kisses her hand and then introduces her to his team. 'where is commander data?' she interrogates, but is reassured that he is arriving, and indeed does so. She nods and strides to him, taking him to sit with Harren! I look at our table 'didn't see that one coming! OK time for a new betting pool! Names of targets and likelihood of success!' A soon as I put it up 'coffee addict' has placed her bet on Ensigns Murphy, Lessing, Gilmore [!] Harran. well, that is an unusual bunch. i look over at her and she grins back before adding another name 'commander data'. There is now a complete free for all.

As the sun sets, the food is eaten in copious quantities. I see Nechayev and Patterson sneak onto my father's table, with Gretchen the band starts playing, and I could never resist a dance. As more of us spill onto the dance floor, my dad calls for the starfleet opener and leads out Nechayev, Patterson leads out my mother, and Quaestor gretchen. Cheeky! the rest of us pair up and Seven dances this one with the doctor. A few of the traditionals, and the music livens up. I don't know how they got it, OK I can make a good guess, but some of the Voyager videos are being played onto the backdrop of the podium, and Q calls up participants! Laughing, Katie, B'E and Sam 'Q, Icheb and Naomi 'get this party started' before a re-make 'reach for the stars' with cheering from the rest of us. I bet they wish they hadn't just been wearing robes for the original! At least this gets everyone up, dancing and laughing, with the 'video stars' taking their places on the podium as the cues come up. Har and Mike are very willing backing dancers for the delaneys, though Billy is somewhat more shy with Celes.

The Captain has been working the room, and is brought back by Chakotay for their less racy version of 'Waterloo' and is then nabbed by Ayala for a tango reprise, joined on the dancefloor by picard and crusher, who would have known! as well as phoebe and her husband, Seven and the doctor - again, though no-one is quite sure whether he can be added to the betting pool. As cheers finish this, she goes and drags chakotay into a fairly discrete arbour just as Harry and Jenny come out grinning.

My eyes are taken by B'e though as she cues some music and gets up on the podium. This is dedicated to me - with cheers from the crew. 'bootilicious' indeed. I watch her shake and shimmy with abandon. god but that woman is everything to me. I love that she now has the confidence to do this. Its not me, the marriage, the baby, though i think that helped, but the whole brilliant engineer, janeway magic second chance. Despite knowing her for years, I had no idea that that was how she danced. Particularly in that fringed dress, flying with her as she moves. As it comes to an end I jump onto the podium to kiss her and then cue my own music - la vida loca! to cheers and laughter and she stays to dance with me.

At the end harry and jenny hop on the podium. Harry dancing! this is going to be something to watch. Instead, he announces their engagement, to wild cheers and applause. they hop off again, into each others arms, and the party continues. 'our boy, finally settled' I grin at B'E as we make our way to Mom to relieve her of a hungry Miral. I end up pointing the pairings and the stories to Mom and Gretchen and Tuvok and T'Pel join us. I ask if he is going to recreate his video too, to a raised eyebrow response. Perhaps somethings were only for Voyager!

-0-0-0-

Megan Delaney

'What the hell?' I demand, in shock. This is *not* what I expected. We have only been dating for 2 months. Yes, 2 months of great sex, but... I haven't really got to know his family, he hasn't mine. There he is, on bended knee, suggesting marriage. my response has him jumping up.

'Megan, I just thought... I love you... the last two months have been...wonderful. On that last mission, I realised I wanted to grab life again and...well... I want to grab it with you'

'damn, why complicate things? do you see the captain running into marriage? no! is it that Har and Jen are engaged? she has been wanting that for most of the seven years. I just want to enjoy things for a bit. Its not never, just, well not now.' Shit, I have hurt him.

'honestly, Mike, it was only a month ago and you couldn't decide who you wanted to be with. You might feel sure now, but I need to know we will stay sure.'

I go to kiss him and he turns away. Men! 'Mike, I do love you, we are having a great time, but lets just take things a bit more slowly. let me really get to know your boys, you meet my brothers. Lets holiday together, have a few arguments and work them out. Just, we have plenty of time'

He puts the ring back in his pocket and looks at me. 'chakotay said it was too fast' I laugh 'don't you be taking him for your romantic advisor Mike! look what a complete mess he made of things, always backing off when she moved forwards. Thank goodness she has the balls to grab him! and the whole Seven thing! no, Mike, we will do just fine, the two of us' and we make out tucked in this secretive arbour.

-0-0-0-

Seven

This evening has proved most informative. My appearance has made a number of potential romantic partners overly cautious. Harren barely spoke unless with data, when we had a very efficient working through of some of the data on these nano-agents. We also devised a tri-layer recursive fractal code that would enable more collaboration between the three of us without interference, and negligible chance of infiltration to replace our current encryption. This was interrupted by the start of the dancing, and realising that Harren would not provide the partner I required, I danced with the Doctor, to his clear delight. He was also rather disapproving of my choice of clothes.

To aid my learning, I was surprised that the Captain recommended Murphy, Rollins, Lessing or Gilmore as potential accomplished partners. Noting Lessing was being amorously pursued already by I believe a member of Voyagers engineering crew, and that he appeared to like his advances, I removed him from the list. As I walk towards Murphy, instead Dick D'angelo requests a dance. we rarely came into contact, but this is acceptable. unfortunately his dancing is only one step up from that of Harry Kim, and his hands are over-familiar. i walk away at the end of the dance, and ignore the back slaps that he receives. perhaps the captain was correct in the assumptions this clothing article would cause.

However, when Picard leads me in a dance, I realise that he is insensible to the dress and its assets, and instead is interested in me, my accommodation with humanity, becoming a Janeway and it returns my balance. I spend a portion of my allocate time with the enterprise senior team in discourse before dancing once more with the Doctor. This time I agree that my clothing choice was probably not suitable for this venue. That I will take note of my family advice. He does make me smile though, when he expouses its merits for dancing a tango. I am sure some of the male ensigns of less developed tastes have had one of Paris's insufferable sweepstakes as to whether the dress will continue to provide reasonable coverage. They are unaware that the nanoprobes continue to ensure decency.

I have written off the evening as an opportunity for romantic development when Kathryn introduces me formally to Murphy and suggests that we may wish to share some tactical insights into the most recent mission before walking away to join Mother. He initially stumbles to talk with me until I suggest perhaps some champagne and we find somewhere quieter. He is polite and well mannered, but i see from his increased heart rate and dilated pupils that he does have more than an interest in the tactics of the recent mission. He asks me to dance and enquires whether i would wear my hair loose. I have practiced this scenario and concur, so he undoes the pins so gently that I feel a response in my own heart rate. Most curious. on dancing, his hands are neither too big nor too small, and I would welcome the hold to be closer. Human relationship practices are fraught with indecision, so I move closer.

At the end of the dance, when i lead him away I am honest in the tactical advances I am desirous of acquiring. He shows a momentary concern, but agrees to take me through the process of kissing effectively.

-0-0-0-

Chakotay

I should be helping say goodbye, but with kathryn asleep curled in my arms, i get to sit comfily in this arbour whilst people find us.

It has been a wonderful evening of laughter for us. the meal with the enterprise senior team, sealing our friendships, delighting in our crew with them. Kathryn and I must have met all the crew between us, catching up, congratulating, commiserating and being there for them. Laughing at her on the podium miming and dancing, glancing at a cheering nechayev, swooping her into my arms our dancing, controlling the jealousy as she danced with others, most particularly when she danced with Picard, Riker and Ayala. Being able to hold her as my declared lover as we sat and talked to different groups, my arm casually around her shoulders, or her perched on my lap. Disappearing into an arbour and being the first to congratulate Harry and Jenny before kissing the hell out of each other. Meant we missed tom and B'e's dancing, though heard all about it. Good for them. Next year, maybe, that might be us.

Seven shocked everyone. Spirits! what a dress. Too much though, made her damn near unapproachable. not the effect she was after! I loved that Kathryn thoughtfully arranged a beau. Murphy! She told me that he had a reputation for gentleness and kindness and taking things slowly, but also was amongst the top three kissers on Voyager, though she didn't say who had been voting. I laughed even more when i realised there was a paris poll and she'd fixed it! Seven and Murphy certainly looked a little ... windblown... by the end of the evening, though this clearly was not such a good thing for the Doc, nor for Harren. Kathryn says she will talk to Harren about being ready for when Seven has finished this round of experimenting and the Doc about moving on. Dr Zimmerman and Haley were an eye opener. To think that our docs personality is an improvement on the original! Although Deanna couldn't break confidentiality, we were in hysterics at the thoughts of her tryin to mediate between the two in the docs month away.

I had never imagined Kathryn to be a matchmaker, maybe because our attempts were so woeful. Not all match making has been going smoothly. Harry and Jenny are delighted, Celes and Billy were already announced. however it seems that I was right about Mike and Megan, and we shared a commiserating beer over Kathryn's apparently asleep head. I cursed him for an eager fool, and he cursed me for a heel dragging fool. He still thinks Megan is the one, so I suggested just holding onto the ring and taking it slowly. If she was what he wanted, then he should be prepared to wait for her to be ready too. That was when I realised Kathryn was playing possum. I could feel her snort on my chest.

Chapter 12: Chapter 12 - weaving back together

This chapter is dedicated to my wonderful dad, who passed away on friday following a very valiant battle against cancer. Unlike Chakotay, I had a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man who supported me in all my endeavours and was clearly proud of what I have done with my life although at times his family thought I was reaching too far and would tell him to rein me in if he wanted grandchildren! I will really miss him. Hopefully, he is now reunited with my sister.

-0-0-0-

Chakotay

I am ready. Spirits, but I am more than ready. I have cleansed myself in sweat lodge and icy stream. I have fasted. Clothed only in shorts, I now sit here alone in the small clay lodge with a sweet smelling fire. The temperature is warmer than I have been used too, and perspiration runs trails down my back and chest, the space is smaller than I would prefer, it encloses me. If I were Tom, I would run. It is circular, and resembles my medicine wheel made into three dimensions. I have been prepared by Winter Eagle, the only name he was prepared to give, and the chart describes elements of my journey as a person. Where I have been, and who I have thought I have become. It will help lead my vision, both taking me away and helping me return. it is time to begin.

I lay before me the items from my bundle, the blackbird feathers, 4 stones, my original, one from new earth one from the planet where Kathryn died, found in my boot and the final stone given by Sekaya, to symbolise the rebuilding of our tribe and world. I have added also a carved obsidian heart on a leather thong, my voyager pin and my maquis rank bar. These are who i am. Objects chosen by me to define myself. As instructed, I have brought the question that has driven me to this quest. It is a beautifully wrapped present from Kathryn, given and yet not given, accepted and yet not accepted. It is the symbol of my yearning to be whole again.

I am both nervous and excited, my heart pounds within my chest. I feel ready to fight.

Behind the pelt covering the entrance is my guide, Winter Eagle, chanting. It is time. I lay the final herbs on the small brazier and the smell immediately begins to alter my senses. It begins with the chant of the Pakra. ' A-koo-chee-moya I pray on this day of memories and healing to speak to my father, the one whom the wind called Kolopak, though I am far from his bones. Perhaps there is a spirit in these Earth skies who will find him and honor him with my song. A-koo-chee-moya.'

Through the increasingly smoke filled lodge, I see the glowing eyes of my animal spirit guide. The chanting continues and wraps around me, almost made whole in substance. 'let go' she demands, and I release and find that I am swept with the chant. I am nothing. I am alone in the starry sky. I am swept forwards towards a system I know. I am being swept towards home. Like the wind I am blown down onto the planet and come to rest in the home that I grew up in. An eddy of fallen leaves and some dust. A young woman, my mother, goes to sweep it out, but my grandfather looks me in the eye and stops her. 'these leaves are visitors in our house. Let them be a while' and he nods to me. He can see me. He can sense my presence. Across all the years, the death and destruction that intervened, my grandfather sees me.

my mother kisses his head. The joy of seeing her chokes me. I have yearned for her, angry at myself for losing her when I strode away from home and hearth to join starfleet. She is radiant, wise and loving. The grief and loss I have held within at her passing rises up to drown me, my joy and love for her instead propels me to call out to her. 'Mother!' I move to greet her, but she is deaf to me. I can see her, but she is not available. She instead blesses grandfather and calls him venerable and wise before moving back towards the kitchen.

Only grandfather acknowledges my presence, only he can see me, a spirit to him. I am stunned. All these years, all the fear and humiliation over the crazy gene and perhaps it wasn't so crazy after all. Perhaps he was right to keep his world open to the spirits. Who else may he have seen. 'Listen, wild one' my grandfather says. I nod and murmur my mother's blessing to him. He just smiles.

My parents are discussing me, low voices, clearly following a well used conversation. 'kolopak, can't you see the harder you push him to be the son of the tribe the more he resists? He was born contrary, finding his own way. Give him the skills and knowledge to choose his own path. What you are doing pushes him away.' My mother pleads, and father agrees , but I hear him planning our visit to the rubber tree people. He is so full of love and excitement about how this will put everything right. I hear my mothers concern and my fathers joy. 'It doesn't work does it?' grandfather says softly. I shake my head, tears threatening. If only I could have had more wisdom, seen what he was wanting to show me. 'Walk with me, wildling'

we walk towards the caves. Grandfather talks of love and difference, and how fate captures us, that some learning will only come to us when the time is right, when we have acquired the other skills we need, when we are ready to make the difference that history and the future requires of us. 'nothing is preordained my child, but there are futures that work better for some things coming to pass, even if they are things we must regret'. I wonder how much of my future he must know, or even guess. We pass my younger self and sekaya. I am swift to chide my grandfather for wandering. When he points to me and says he is with a spirit I am shamed by my dismissive tone. 'Grandfather' I begin in humility but am interrupted. 'he doesn't understand yet. You must forgive as I have' My young self turns derisively away, dragging sekaya and leaving hastily.

'How can I forgive myself all the misunderstanding and the pain it caused' I whisper, beseeching. I remember dashing my fathers hopes of reconciliation. The trip pushing us too far away. I remember hurting my mother with my insistence she choose me and my right to leave, unaware that she had been quietly espousing my position for many years. I remember only tersely answering her calls, forgetting the cost to her tribal living to make such concessions, assuming my choice had cost me her love, not believing that it was her love still reaching out to me. I didn't understand then how to balance those halves of myself, how much harder now, with the knowledge of the cost.

his relaxed, generous smile that so exasperated my young self is aimed at my soul. 'But you came back to us,' and he points to my forehead. 'You honour our ways now, wild one' . 'I didn't return in time, this is my grief and penance' I admit slowly. 'So you are not at peace? What gives you this sorrow. Tell me of your time, it can do no harm to me.'

I talk of starfleet, that I was proud to belong, of leaving due to... political differences... and being flung to the far reaches of the galaxy 'ah' he says 'that's when you meet her, your woman of fire and water'. I stop, surprised. Both because that is how I consider Kathryn, and also that now I remember grandfather telling me a myth about a woman of fire and water, 'by her own split nature and boundless compassion able to anneal a wounded soul and wash clean his tortured spirit' I whisper this quote out loud. 'her hair the colour of flames full of the fires of love and the passion she bears for justice, her eyes deep pools of water ready to water the souls of afflicted to rebirth and grieve for the lost' he responds.

I smile fully, proudly, exulting in the joy of it 'grandfather, she carries my child'

he gives me his blessing, placing his hands on my head and I feel them. 'Be at peace Chakotay. You are who you are meant to be. You are our proud warrior spirit. I will tell your father that you came back to us, when it is no longer possible to him that you might. It will give him comfort. Go, follow your own path of destiny, forgive yourself.'

the wind whisks me away and his eyes follow my path.

I visit my life like snapshots on the doctors holoimager. they swirl out of smoke and braided patterns of light. There are more images than I catch hold of, some falling like those autumn leaves to the floor, unseen, others taking flight around me until I step within them. I am back at he academy, Admiral Sulu is watching me from a distance, discussing me and the terrible dilemma which is cardassia, that people like me are going to be additional casualties of the line that starfleet is compelled to be following. It is Picard, and I hear promises to try and bring the colonists safely away. I can see from the set of shoulders that neither believe it possible, and it wasn't. On some level I knew that this political manoeuvering with cardassia must have been a hard decision, regretted by many though thought a tactical necessity. It eases part of me to see this. I see the sadness as I resign from those around me, although buffetted by my anger, understanding and compassionate still. Although I leave, I never stop being the starfleet officer in the depths of my heart and soul. Despite my anger, something of myself holds true to the ideals.

In the maelstrom, I see my father. He watches proudly as I have his tattoo and learn anew his beliefs. I hear his whispered blessing to the younger man, and then his hope that one day I will find my peace again and that he finally understands me. Our spirits meet across time and space, in the clearing where the younger me in anger and rage is taking the markings of his tribe. Now I return, that rage ebbing. Our hands clasp, we are reconciled. A bar breaks from the cage I have placed around these emotions. I weep whilst he comforts me. 'follow your heart, chakotay'. I struggle to hold onto this moment, but his wry grin fades in the motes of smoke that surround me, and the bitter smell of the herbs becomes more pungent.

Swiftly I am whirled through scenes of my time with the maquis. I am shown as the fearless angry warrior, striding in my fury and fire. slaughtering cardassians without mercy, harrying them, filled with hate. Bile rises up in me, and the chanting and drums play a crashing threnody to my pain. I had lost myself, vengeance was in my heart, dressed in the acceptable colours of defending innocents. My raw tattoo branding me and claiming my tribal right to vengeance, I discard all the peace loving qualities that my family espoused. I watch as the hardened maquis captain pushes himself away to be who he needs to be. Just as I can bear to see the reflection of myself no more, another spirit joins me. I don't see her, but the peace and love radiates from her. I am sure that it is my mother. She shows me the other side, saving B'E, caring for my crew, rescuing children, women, treating them always with compassion. She shows me how I shaved off much of my nature to be the master tactition that was required. I moulded myself and was lost.

The darkness returns, I am back within the lodge, drums, smoke, chanting and the eyes I see now are not those of my animal guide. Nor are they brown of my tribe. They are blue, clear and piercing. the chanting seems to be overlayed, I swear I can hear her 'are you with me?' and the room erupts with swirl of fire, starlight and I murmur, 'always'. then I shout joyfully 'always' and throw my heart and soul open to the motes of memory as they flood into me.

I see our meeting, her hand might as well have ripped my heart out of me, it belonged only to her from then onwards. This time I see the connection it formed visibly, a thread of colours shared from each of us. Truly bound by this shimmering multicoloured aura, our journey is relayed to me like confetti, like the damned tickertape Kathryn loves. She is dancing for me through all the moments. I see our love and friendship, a chain that saved both of us even when we stopped acknowledging it. I see countless vignettes of our love shining through our actions. lovers in all but deed, friends, partners, soul mates.

however, when I pluck a moment and find myself viewing a candlelit dinner it changes. I see her cup my face, rare that she would touch so intimately and I know when we are, and what happens. This time I pull her down to me and kiss and feel the resultant explosion, spirits! both in my heart, and in the timeline it creates. This time, when voyager hits its icy grave, I fail to survive her loss and wander without focus until I perish, and on his own, Harry doesn't reset time. I step out of that future and back into my own stream. I watch a future where I smash the devore inspector's face after I have forced Kathryn to reveal their meetings. We are all destroyed.

The confetti is now full of the paths that we didn't take. One is hesitant, and I step into it. New Earth, without Tuvok returning. I dread to see, but we are blissfully happy. a lifetime of love, living simply just us. We truly are happy together. I vow to make this a reality for us, here on our Earth. To carve out some time for simplicity together as our haven. Sadly I let that future drift away. It would have worked for us, but it doesn't show the outcome for our Voyager family, or our original families. Neither of us is selfish enough to enjoy happiness at the expense of others. In letting this go, I realise that Kathryn had faced this thought on our journey, had been brave enough to let it go for both of us.

As I think it, another image comes in its place, of Kathryn and I, lovers on New Earth, rejoining the ship as such. the discomfort that causes the crew, the anger of some of the maquis, and the ease that Seska takes a divided ship and divides us. That even when retaken, our command relationhip is weakened as our personal one is destroyed, such that on facing borg space, we have no alternative but to turn around, settling with the 37's.

i go to catch another mote, when a voice stops me. My father cries out to me not to be lost in the past. 'Come with me' he urges. The need to see all the variations is strong, but my animal guide is growling a warning. I take his hand, and again I feel the chanting wrapping around me, alive and calling me home. I am swept back through the stars of the delta quadrant, arrowing my way home, to earth and to this moment. this moment when filled with love, happiness and surrounded by our voyager family, we took that final step and she kissed me. This time, watching as a spirit, I see the other spirits who view this moment, my parents and grandfather, some whose faces are not clear to me, someone I am sure is Kathryn's father and to my surprise Q and the Admiral Janeway. He has his arm around her as a tear trickles down her face. The kiss, our kiss, has repercussions. There is an event horizon that spreads out from us. We are finally together, at the right time and in the right place.

The scene leaves me, but the sense of rightness, of destiny remains. I am left with my spirits and guide. 'I am who I need to be' I announce 'warrior, lover, spiritual thinker, tactician. I am a combination of worlds, I can choose my future'. My spirits touch me and leave. The smoke is smelling sweetly, and I am sat in a small clay lodge wearing a thong with an obsidian heart and holding a wrapped gift in my hands. In front of me, together, only two items remain, the voyager pin and my sister's stone.

The fire is dying down, as is the chanting and drumming and I sense all those motes and images of my life reweave back into me. I am settled. Although it was morning when I entered, it is dark and windowless in the lodge, and I have no sense of the time. Looking around me I see that the other items punctuate the embodiment of the medicine wheel about me. They show the journey I have taken on this spirit walk, they are my past. The thoughts of this journey coalesce in me and I can see how the past has formed me, I can work on self forgiveness, I can go forwards.

Winter Eagle opens the doorway and the light from the setting sun floods in and illuminates me and the items I wear and hold. He smiles. 'I see you have made your choices, chakotay. Go in peace' I pick up the items before me, and leave the lodge. he takes an image of the wheel and placements once i have left, and then once i have showered and redressed he brings these all to me. I give him the same blessing as I gave my grandfather. It is all I can do to not run as I go to claim my future.

Chapter 13: - girl talk and a promise is made

Janeway

Could this public voyager briefing be any more tedious.

I woke up too soon when chakotay left well before dawn for his retreat and couldn't settle. So in the end I had wandered into Starfleet for one of the general sessions, which are optional for us all to attend, and are there for clearance level 8 and above. They are to disseminate some of the Voyager findings before the official documents that pertain to all. i have, somewhat luckilly, been on active ops as I would have needed to show my face. It was a mistake. An admiral I don't recognise is droning on about the Borg threat, voyagers interactions with the Borg - significantly redacted - and will no doubt end with a call for interest in the research from this field.

So I should look bright and enthusiastic, any one of the people in this auditorium of lieutenant commander upwards could arrive in one of my project teams. Well, maybe not mine, but...

A number of the attendees have noticed my presence from the turned heads, and then at the in-drawn breath even I turn around, expecting Seven or Icheb, and rewarded with both, who join me. I am pleased to see them together, this weekend showed that they had repaired their discomfort with each other. Icheb being more hurt than he cared to admit at the time that Seven had not volunteered to be his parent, pushed out of the way for the new relationship with Chakotay. Seven, well she had a fair number of emotional bumps to welcome her to the alpha quadrant. Most, unfortunately, relating to me. Aunt and nephew seems to suit them though, and over this last weekend I saw that the caring relationship they once shared closely seems to have mostly returned whilst we were on the chin'toka mission. Hmm, when we get the chance I should like to listen to that story.

Their arrival puts the fusty admiral off her game. A ripple goes through the auditorium at the Borg invasion - i permit myself a smile at this - and then she asks us to make our way to the dias. Bang goes my chance of playing PADD key word bingo with Jean-Luc and Will. Damnit. Smile wiped. I had already set some of the keywords as targets and Will and Jean Luc had responded with some of their own. Well, I guess I can see how many of them I can avoid saying. Will add to the challenge to appear to lead right to the word and then have a last minute course alteration.

So I put on my best gracious smile, tug this damn new uniform jacket into the right place as it makes its own bid for the delta quadrant and move forwards.

'We noticed your absence from the farm and deduced that the borg briefing may have attracted your attendance' seven nods at me as as we meet up walking to the dias. 'We will follow your lead' I cannot help but look at her in surprise. She quirks an eyebrow 'experience has shown that it can be advantageous' and I snort as I try to hold back a laugh. Finally! after all these years and when she is no longer on my ship, finally she acknowledges the chain of command.

-0-

'And then' I roar with laughter, 'Jean Luc holds his PADD in the air, and I am so sure he is going to shout Bingo!' at that Beverly is near hysterical and even Seven breaks a smile. Phoebe brings over the merlot and tops up all the glasses but mine and Seven's. It doesn't raise any comments.

'the meeting was most informative' Seven reprovingly comments 'and Admiral Hendry elucidated the future clearly. i had not expected that captains would show such little respect.'

'count myself reprimanded' I laugh without rancour. She has a point, once we interacted with the Admiral, the meeting was very useful, and I have plans to work with the Admiral in the future, as she is tasked with oversight of development of Borg protection plans. After the meeting she was surprised and yet positive about the continued research we voyagers have done that will help with this. She also has some parallel projects and is keen to co-opt Seven if she would agree as a specialist advisor. She suggested to Seven that perhaps Starfleet should consider a short orientation course for her of a years length to do alongside such that she can then enter starfleet formally. Enough of work thoughts, I only catch the end of Deanna.

'and Will was ranting that every time he thought Kathryn was going to give him one of his words she would make a last minute substitution... She's sucha bad influence! He really needs v little encouragement to be led astray, and the blessed rings help us when he gets his ship. JamesT Kirk reborn!' and the laughing continues. Deanna grins wickedly, 'so, Seven, I saw the dress on Sunday, catch anything?' and Seven flushes to our laughter. 'i determined that Ens Murphy's reputation was well deserved, and I believe I have mastered the technique of kissing'. Phoebe, always the stirrer 'so better than Chakotay?' woah! All I eyes flick to me at this, but this is something that Seven and I have determined we are going to laugh through, so I wave a hand and drawl 'i think that may be unlikely' to snorts from 'lanna and Sam.

'Captain, Murphy was by far the superior. I was left unmoved by the two kisses I shared with the commander. They lacked depth and passion.' as I go to interrupt she raises her hand, copying my dismissive mannerism perfectly 'this is not due to a lack of emotional connection, as there is none between myself and Murphy, I believe the commander lacked the percipience required to maximise the experience' to the cheers and hoots of the girls I drawl that it is lucky that I am so easily satisfied thenrather than determined to achieve perfection. Phoebe offers to test both men out, so I throw a cushion at her. 'But I feel I have missed out , Katie dear, his lips do *look* delectable...' 'hands off, sister!' I give my best death glare, reduced in its effect by the cushion that flies back. Luckily I have an excellent catch reflex. 'You know I don't share' as she pouts.

We then run through our worst kissing experiences. Starting with Deanna , who appears to have been singularly unlucky in the past. Although 'Lanna is interested in the 'worf thing' Deanna won't be drawn. 'It nearly worked, and as for kissing, well Klingons are very passionate lovers. To draw the fire, I declare mine is probably Gath, that odious Sikarian. 'so full of himself that he thought I should just swoon away with the honor of his attention!' B'Elanna is making vomiting motions. 'tell me you didn't really Kathryn. He was just so... pompous and slimy. Kahless! I thought you had better taste.' Phoebe, as always, wanting to know more, so i briefly mention them and their transporter device, not really catching 'Lanna's eye. 'Katie! really! you were prepared to kiss someone just to get their technology? What else would you be prepared to do?' I forget that she has no concept of what it was like out there, memories of going to that prison with Caylem and 'distracting' the guards, the numerous meals with handsy ambassadors and the countless showers to scrub myself clean...Kashyk. 'Anything required' I growl. How did we get to such a mood deflating topic. I slump back.

Surprisingly, I, and the mood of the room, am saved by Jenny. 'Harry' she says into the silence, drawing all of our attention. 'Harry?' I query 'your worst kisser?' God yes, worse than even his dancing. too... eager' and her face scrunches wryly 'desperate to please but not with the skills. its what made me want him!' 'ah,' says beverly, 'the little lost boy gambit' Seven concurs, apparently she shared a kiss with Harry that was 'less than acceptable, a knocking of teeth and acute discomfort' 'Lanna is giggling. Oh poor Harry 'good thing he had a number of exotic partners to gain some experience!'

I put my hand up 'I am very fond of harry, and he did make some ... unfortunate choices, but I am sure we all have some stories we hope will remain in the delta quadrant?' I raise my eyebrow as Seven looks like she may interrupt. She hAs the grace to stay silent.

we are at least back on banter mode as Megan and Jenny try to come up with a kiss list for seven. There are no lack of willing research subjects, apparently, all of whom are keen to be methodically graded. I roll my eyes. She is advised also who to avoid. I start a frown, I hadn't realised there had been any concerns of that nature.

apparently Chakotay had dispensed swift justice and then Tuvok followed this with a meditation program and the doctor a vitamin regime. It was understood any second infraction would be a direct to captain referral. There were no second infractions. Still, there were a few people of either sex that were less suitable for a beginner. I cannot be the only one that noticed a subtle response as harren made the cut.

the evening comes to a natural end, having been filled with laughter. I invite pheebs to stay over, but she is going to return to Indiana before leaving for home. Tempted tho I am to join her, I think I will enjoy relaxing here. Maybe Chakotay will be back in the morning before my debrief.

in fact, a really nice long soak in the tub sounds perfect.

-0-0-

i come back to my full senses when I hear movement in the main quarters. Icheb is in Indiana and would have shouted a hello, Chakotay isn't due back. I have an intruder. Damn. Naked, phaser in the Bedroom, damn it! Com badge also in the bedroom. I have grown careless. As silently as I can I get it of the tub and move to the dooorway. I can hear soft footsteps... I can hear a low humming... I can smell roses. The steps are coming towards the bathroom and I grab ... hell on Earth! Toothbrush or towel, I guess neither, I will slip behind and kick him into the tub whilst I run for phaser and comm badge. Damn it but Tom is going to be hysterical over nakedness.

luckilly, even as I make the plan, hidden behind the door ready to slide behind the intruder, my brain has caught up with the clues. No intruder, Chakotay. As he steps forward, asking 'Kathryn?' In the now dark bathroom, I place my hand against the small of his back 'I was going to push you in!' I whisper.'You scared me!'

as he slowly turns, lit by the hallway, I can see his appraising glance. I might only be an outline, backlit, but I am naked and still wet from the tub. I have Chakotay now at a disadvantage. I turn my silhouette into profile, displaying the enhancements pregnancy has given my breasts. Ah, a sneaky thought, hence the jacket woes.

'Spirits ! But you make this damned difficult!' He breathes out. I force myself to stay relaxed. Surely his vision walk didn't persuade him to play happy families with a tribe girl? 'I plan to make your whole life difficult, Chakotay ' I growl in the voice that makes him shiver. 'Wanton woman' explodes from his half smiling mouth before he presses a searing kiss against my own. Whatever seven might say, there is sure as hell no better kisser. I mould myself into his embrace, needy moans escaping me until, clearly goaded beyond all reason and unable to continue with his original plan, I am lifted up and raced into the bedroom.

His lips hungrily searching my body, his gentle hands caressing me, the need behind this lovemaking feel like we have been apart a lifetime and yet it hasn't been a day. I pour my heart into our union, revelling in his need and desire. When the wildfire rips through us it burns with such intensity that I know that we are forever bonded. Cradled in each other's arms as we relax again, letting heart rate and breathing settle, I know I am forever cherished. I settle, prepared to sleep.

my heart rate shoots up as there is an explosion of movement beside me. Chakotay pulls us both up, tho I am resisting, snuggling closer and making sleepy noises. 'Spirits, we have done this backwards. Come, Kathryn, I have created a lovely surprise for you. Wake up sweetheart. You'll love it!' 'Hmmmmn' and I nuzzle in. I am marginally curious about the outcome of the spirit walk, and the surprise, but Chakotay is warm and I am so sleepy.

he starts kissing me, slowly re-lighting the fires of my arousal. 'C'mon baby, wake up Kathryn!' Oh his lips are divine. I deepen the kiss and Chakotay realises his tactics for extricating me from the bed are mistargeted as he is equally responsive. 'Spirits' He groans as he pulls away, 'You truly do plan to make my whole life more difficult' and I give him the smile, the one that is his alone.

I can see him struggling between desire and delivery of this secret. Hmm, secrets, I can be magnanimous and let him off this hook. I swing myself off the bed and wrap my new blue silk robe about me. Looking at him again, he still has the hungry wolf look, so I raise an eyebrow. 'Something to show me? Remember?' And he shouts a laugh and dresses in the black silk robe I got him. Damn. Two can clearly play the game of distraction!

he walks me into the living quarters lit by candlelight, a few now stuttering, but most shining, bouquets of peace roses fill the room with their heavenly aroma, clearly a romantic setting. Our lovemaking had resolved my temporary concerns, but this is truly An affirmation of us. As I think this I realise, he is ready. He is finally ready to make a promise again. I nearly stumble at the thought. I look at him, love and hope in my eyes, a wide smile beginning and see his face full of joy. There is no risk that either of us will back away, no risk of a red alert to spoil this moment, there is just the two of us, friends, lovers and shortly bond-mates.

sitting on the couch I see two wrapped gifts before me. One I prepared for Chakotay a lifetime ago, the other new. 'Will you give me your gift, Kathryn? ' my heart is singing as I take it and hold its solid weight once again. I recall the hours of practice learning the skills to make this, the thoughtfulness behind the design and the research for the meanings. I smile and offer it to Chakotay.

'When I made this, I had hope and fear in my heart as well as love. I hoped you still loved me, that you would still want me, that the feelings we do nearly explored on new earth hadn't died in you. As the years went on, I feared that our command differences and the hardships had created too big a divide for us to cross, and ultimately that I had lost you. Now, now I have love, freely given and the hope of future and family. Chakotay, please accept this token of my love for you, and the pledge that it makes to bind me to you.'

He takes it and unwraps it. I have made a bonding box, hand carved with Love our finding each other by the caretakers array, the whirl of our galaxy, the symbolism of our bonding, the constellations we named on new earth and on the lid, voyager. Inside is filled with the loamy soil of new earth (sterilised) and carefully wrapped seeds of talaxian tomatoes. My promise that the start on new earth would bear fruit. I am not a naturally romantic or symbolic woman, I can only hope to have done justice to the occasion.

i look hesitantly to his face, and the happiness there is all I require. 'It is breathtaking, Kathryn. I... I'm honoured, it is ...beautiful, perfect. Thankyou. And in my accepting of your pledge, I would be honoured if you would accept mine. I would like to pledge once again to stand by your side and make your burdens lighter. I pledge to face the future together, boldly striding our into our future with love, laughter and compromises. I pledge my honesty, body, soul and my heart to you. If you would accept your contrary warrior.' He hands me his box to carefully unwrap. The carving exquisite, the wood from new earth. He takes me through his imagery, one side show the compassion and maternal love I have freely given and nurtured him with, another shows tho boat he would have made on new earth to explore, and references our exploration together of the future, his image of voyager is slightly bittersweet as shows it breaking free of the Borg sphere as entering the alpha quadrant. 'It is when I returned to you' he whispers. The symbols of bonding are near identical to those I carved.

The top tho is the chamusay sign. 'Kathryn,Love, it has a number of meanings. That I told you of a simple Thankyou. But it also shows the journey of the sky people, which we did in reverse, and so I have reversed the lines directionality. And it can mean that sometimes you travel a long way to find what you always had. We have both traveled s long way in distance and emotions to finally come home. So this represents both of these journeys and my thanks for showing this angry warrior not only the meaning of peace, but finally his own meaning and place. I am whole again and pledge myself to you''

'kathryn?' I look up with tears of joy, emotion, hormones and a grin wider than a sub space distortion. 'Oh, Chakotay! Yes, yes,YES!' I move into his arms and kiss him. When we break he murmurs that I haven't even opened the box. Inside is a beaded necklace, a traditional gift, of lapis lazuli and bloodstone, blue and red, on a silver chain with dainty silver beads containing tiny diamonds. 'How I see you Kathryn, fire and water in the starlight. ' I point to the pendant, it is obsidian with our version of the chamusay sign.

'Oh, Chakotay ' i sigh in utter contentment . ' I love you' and words just seem so small compared to the enormity of love and hope we share. He places the necklace for me, and clearly Dmires how the pendant draws his eyes downwards. But as it happens, we have organised the order of this evening well, because we both just share the loving moment , our joined future ahead, snuggled together on the couch as the candles flutter and go out and sleep enwraps us

Chapter 14: Chapter 14 - The Peregrine Falcon

B'Elanna Torres Paris

Such a damned relief to get back into our starfleet quarters and start to breathe again. Qapla! Not that I want to complain, but Owen and Elizabeth are smothering when we are there. And loving. I must remember that. Loving. They could have made it so much harder, but they both genuinely adore miral, and we do get on. Owen has a secret engineer in him and toms humour, so we have something to work with. I can see why Kathryn...well, he was a good person to train with, and Elizabeth is no idiot. We more than get on. I like them.

Also, I am feeling the real need to be tinkering and doing. Its driving me crazy. guy'cha! I nearly took a replicator apart yesterday and then sat and laughed as I realised who that reminded me of. Perhaps talking to Owen does that, brings out the starfleet engineer in me. I love being with Miral, I really love being with Miral, Kahless knows how honoured I am to be her mother, but engines and schematics, design and new tech just calls to me. I am still quietly working on projects in the background, but I want to, well 'get my hands dirty' as we use to say.

I have been discussing some ideas with Geordi, and one of the research teams at starfleet who are working on transporter upgrades. baQa but we could have really done with better transporter tech both in the delta quadrant and on this last mission. Geordi has intermittantly worked with this team before, transporter tech being a sideline interest of his. My maquis skeletal lock was already known to them, but they loved the link with unique bio-signs or specific isotopic signatures. they were also beyond interested about the localised disrupters in the micro-technology. i am aware that I probably shouldn't have mentioned this as yet. What they have been working on is project transport home device [THD] that gets you back to a pre-programmed point as long as you are within the transporters range. Kahless, wouldn't that have been handy in the delta quadrant. It is too big currently, even bigger than the original remote transporter armbands, but roping data in, and we might get it to comm badge size. Even better if it could be eventually integrated into the comm badge.

qoH! this log is digressing, I do really love motherhood and want to take the time to enjoy it, but I am who I am. I guess I am a Klingon warrior mother, with tech being the foe I subdue. I like that image. Miral is now sleeping, thank kahless!. A Big Thing. Finally her Klingon stomach is behaving with her human oesophageal sphincter. No more reflux! I am sure she was laughing at me today as she waved her fists about. 8 weeks old! did I say how much I love her? About time she laughed, I hope she has more of Tom's sunny good humour. She has Klingon genes for muscle strength, she's already controlling her head well. I can see her kicking and testing herbody strength. Named for my two mothers, both strong indomitable women.

Tom is more and more besotted. qoH! in fact, this log is to record our conversations about the future. We are doing the 'last hoorah' on Voyager and then settling into life on UP, with Tom training cadets and test flighting designs, and me predominantly leading the work on experimental shuttle designs, implementing latest tech, working with a variety of teams as consultant on Voyager tech and implementation in the fleet, and finally, perhaps, working on some of the alternate drive tech we never quite got to grips with. That's a lot of working. So..

Tom has asked to be the prime carer, he wants to spend most of his time with Miral at this young age. He is planning to work maybe 2 days with the cadets, predominantly do another 1 day on the shuttle designing, but spread around Miral, flexitime. Then negotiate the test flights. He was hesitant, wondering if I thought he was encroaching on my motherhood, clearly the result of his uncomfortable relationship with his dad. Truthfully, I am jubilant. Admiral Patterson more or less said he would be able to give huge flexibility over hours, UP finds that promotes best working, so I am hoping to do 3 full days, 1 flexor day. We will have miral in childcare or grandparent care 1-2 days a week, and this feels right. Elizabeth and Owen love the idea. I'd been so worried that Tom was clipping his command wings for me by not signing onto Voyager, but it looks like it has given him a whole new set of options.

'Full steam ahead', as Tom likes to say, for the new shuttle class. It is a complete secret production as a whole thing, though clearly Adm Patterson agreed the project, as long as once 'katie' has had hers - she gets the prototype, he gets the next one! He might, though without some of the additional features Kathryn will get. This initial prototype is close to leaving the holodeck and being built. It should be ready around the time that voyager's first mission completes for prototype testing and then presenting. It is bigger and more comfortable than the original design, though still sleek, and should just fit in through into Voyager's shuttlebay . Tom has named it 'the peregrine falcon' which he finds amusing, and I am clearly missing some reference. Surprisingly Jor and Mulchaey have both signed up to be part of the project, I hadn't really thought this would be their interest. However, they are certainly both competent in a crisis. I thought Jor would be on Voyager, with Tabor. Something to ask later.

sometines I can hardly believe my good fortune. Our good fortune, both our little family and our big one.

Hmmm . the other thing we are planning is a visit to qo'nos. I will still have family there, however distant, and despite my poking about their relationship, Deanna will introduce me to worf, who is there currently in a quasi ambassadorial role. He may be able to confirm or not my mothers death, but also if I have surviving family. I hope so, my mother had siblings even though I didn't. Deanna meantioned worf has a part human son, I don't think I knew that. Perhaps mixed heritages will give us something in common! Perhaps not. Tom and I are going to try and make a bridge with my Klingon heritage. In the last seven years I have finally not only accepted my dual heritage but come to revel in it. It is time to be part of that family, proud of who I am and my differences. To work on a platform for Miral to build upon.

unfortunately the relationship with my father is never going to be that easy, hmmph, he sees a lot of my mother in me, and has guilt for his abandonment. The past is the past. I suggest he just tries again by being a grandparent to Miral, and allow us to find a relationship through her. He is more cautious than the parises but we shall see.

-0-

'B'elanna!' Chakotay hollers at me to call me over to his table in the mess hall. I nod and the wave apologetically to Megan as I cross over. 'Catch you later megan' but I notice the slight dejection surrounding her. I'll ask Chakotay to be brief, as clearly there is something up. Thinking about it, she was uncharacteristically quiet at girls night last night. I hope mike hasn't soon anything foolish.

'Chakotay, nuqneH!' I grin at him as I set down lunch 'you are looking very, um, refreshed.' kahless, but he looks like the gorgeous chakotay from years ago, proud, strong, irresistable... 'That spirit walk must have done wonders' he grins, dimples flashing and I can't help a dig ' I hope it improved your percipience! Seven says you are in the needs improvement category' I can see him hesitate between laughing it off and reacting, a momentary flash of something , maybe anger, maybe embarrassment ripple across his face and is masked by good humour. Thankyou, sister. I am trying to follow kathryn and sevens lead and consider it a mild folly, no harm done. However, we all know what a crushingly monumental mistake it was. Thank the spirits that two women can see fit to treat it with humour. A human error, seven puts it, whereas Kathryn tells me it is the last mid life crisis I am permitted.'

' Good for you, old man. I am still in the monumental f-ing mistake camp. Since Kathryn can, I'll forgive you! ... kahless, isn't it still wonderful to have food that you know is going to not only be edible, but actually pleasant!' I tuck in. A nursing Klingon is a ravenous Klingon. 'Come on then Chakotay, out with it!'

I watch him hesitate and play with his food and then his ear lobe. 'Enough old man! Just tell me!' It's got to be something good with that amount of prevarication.

'its kathryn' I'm all ears, is he going to make the pregnancy announcement? Finally!

'she got me thinking about family, as in formalising our voyager family. Adopting Icheb, now having seven as a sister' he gives a wry grin 'momma gretchen is right, our relationships all fit well this way, younger sibling to Kathryn and removing the parental angst and responsibility, sister in law to me, close but not too close and able to begin a mentoring relationship, the one that we should always have had' He harrumphs at some memory I don't want to share. ' and aunt and nephew, so not mother but mentor and family. It works, b'elanna, against all odds it really works.'

he eats some more, and my minimal patience is exhausted 'baQa! is that it? I thought I was going to get a revelation! Marriage intentions,babies, something huge!' He has the grace to blush, and looks down at his plate. Kahless but I am hungry, I polish off the last of my food and start eyeing his. He pushes his plate across. Good Man!

'ah, um, well. We completed my tribes bonding ceremony when I returned last night. Well, the couple bit of it. There is a tribe bit that I will ask Sekky to organise. I haven't told her yet' I see the happiness flood out of him as he raises his eyes back to mine. Thank Kahless! the p'tak finally made his mind up! I have never seen him so, well content yet powerful. 'In fact, you must be the first person to know!'

'Qapla! I honestly don't think there are enough words of congratulations to convey my happiness! Can I tell Tom? you have been such a p'tak to keep us all so uncertain!' I throw my arms around him and we hug. really, I am happy for them both. Kathryn sidles up behind him, also radiant, it must be obvious to her that he has told me. From the joy that seems to vibrate between them, I truly wonder how they kept apart for seven years. 'I'd better ask Kathryn whether she wanted to make an announcement!' He grins guiltily just before she taps him on the shoulder, unsettling him completely.

she gravels reprovingly at him 'which classified secret are you spilling this time mister!' though the lifted eyebrow and the slight upturn of her mouth gives her away, as she folds herself into the chair beside him leaving a hand draped on his shoulder. Her other hand waves a PADD ,' shall we?, mom, pheebs and Seven are in the know, Icheb is in a tactics scenario but has a message.' Chakotay just laughs.

scuttlebutt:

Announcing the traditional bonding of the command couple. Hugs, back slaps, hand shakes are acceptable, as is joining us in holo-sandrines 20:00 .

And the mess hall near simultaneously erupts in cheers and applause. Our table is swamped by a crowd of well wishers. It is wonderful to be caught up in the emotion. I think everyone wants to have a hug with the captain. It is heart tugging to watch their happiness shared with the family. I am sure I'm not the only one thanking chakotay's spirits and the captain's strength that they finally are where we always wanted them to be. Diversion forgotten.

i am so caught up in their moment I nearly miss megan leaving the mess hall. Nearly but not quite. I jump up to follow, evading chakotay's sudden grasp to speed after her

-0-0-

I catch up with Megan in the gardens. She stops for me. 'Persistence is rewarded' she says to me and collapses onto a bench, strings cut. It is the most unguarded I have ever seen either twin. 'What gives?' I ask.

the tale pours out. I guess I knew mike was thinking of proposing, so that isn't a shock. Listening to megan, I can see why it was to her. They were having fun it was hot, but she thought they were in the first chapter setting the scene for exploration and attraction, with negotiation and adaption to follow, whilst he has jumped to the happy ever after finale. Although it is possible, she just isn't ready to make that leap of commitment.

She thinks they should be having fun as a couple, enjoying the alpha quadrant and it's opportunities. Then more slowly working out how to be a couple with his ex wife and kids before contemplating any life long commitment.

although she thinks he got that message, she thinks he feels he has had enough waiting in life and wants a steady and secure future. He wants a rod map whilst she still wants a blank canvass. All very poetical. she thinks this announcement will just emphasise how different their views are, and it is pushing her to contemplate futures when she just isn't ready.

im not a natural counsellor. Kahless knows it. But I suggest rethinking the couples counselling. Tom and I have had some, mostly because Kathryn raves about how it helped get her and Chakotay past some of their grand canyons of impasses with their relationship intact. 'Whatever, Megan, have fun and do what is right for you. You both have to be honest and it will become clear whether he can wait or you can hurry. Surprisingly we hug. Maybe the relationship is Mok'tah, but I nearly lost mine with Tom, and a wise word at the right time gave me the right vision. I hope it can with them.

'Chakotay to torres'

he really is being persistent today. ptak! As I smack the comm badge, megan signals farewell. I hope I get to see her and mike at sandribes.

'Paris Torres remember, to Chakotay!' I can hear him snort and tells me to get my sorry Klingon derriere back to the mess, as he has something to ask me. Then, he changes his mind and says he will come out to me.

It takes very little time before I see him charging towards me. Maw'tok! but he reminds me of nothing so much now as a large boisterous puppy. I remember he was like this when he set our future with Kathryn at the start of the adventure. it is as if he has some switch, that once he is certain of his course, it just blows away any doubts or obstacles.

'B'E, I need to ask you a very important question' he thumps down onto the bench and looks earnestly at me. 'it is without doubt the most important, biggest question I have ever asked you' my breath catches. This new chakotay is beseeching me 'chakotay! you have just announced your bonding with Kathryn, and I am overwhelmingly happy for you. I am a happily married woman. No question is as big as that!' He grins 'well, nearly' he amends taking my hand. Physical gestures of gentleness have been unusual between us for quite some time. It is good to have my friend back so solidly. I give his hand a squeeze, and then nearly throw it in the air at his next statement 'I want to adopt you B'E'

'qaStaH nuq jay'? what the hell, Chakotay?' I pull away 'I have parents, extra parents, I'm not a child!'

He roars with laughter, 'kathryn said I would get it wrong! No, I want to invite you into my tribe as a sister. It's not a blood thing, not a federation adoption, but a tribal thing.' he shrugs his shoulder 'I have thought of you as a sister for years, I would like to give it some... well, recognition'

Well, stunned here! Honestly, speechless. I'm not sure I need this anymore. The B'Elanna at the beginning of the voyager journey might have been reassured, but now. I am the start of a new family, and I have named and known family and friends. But I am touched, and it is lovely, and Chakotay, he hasn't got much family of his own, although Kathryn is bringing him enough! I think of him being Uncle to Miral, and the added links she might have. His smile has started to look worried, i have hesitated a fraction too long. 'Ghos! lets do it!' and I punch him 'Ha! jIlajneS I accept, brother!'

Chapter 15: Chapter 15 - Section XXXI

While our favourite command team have been relaxing, the workings of starfleet continue, as there is still a mystery to solve from their last adventure. For those not acquainted with 'crossing the rubicon' fic, skip this chapter or read this short essential info. Their unknown adversary utilised programmable micro-devices in the small visible range, the only clue to their manufacture is an unusual iridium isotope component. The known devices self destructed, although Janeway imaged one first, and Picard was hoping amongst the Chin'toka debris field, he may have collected some in his Busard collectors due to the presence of the Iridium isotope. I've been trying to stay mostly plot free, but some of the senior team as well as the admirals are chivvying to solve the problem.

-0-0-0-

Owen Paris

Damned debriefings. No sooner have we finished the bulk of Voyager debrief than I am now mired in the Chin'toka Accord debrief, most specifically, the attacks. Been a while since I have needed to have a debrief though.

'Admiral Paris, sir!' I growl an acknowledgement to the aide running to keep pace with me as I stalk towards the mess. Maybe a quick word with Katie or Tom will settle a few things 'you are requested to attend the Senior Dining Room'

'Damn!' I bark and about turn to stride back in the opposite direction, wrong footing the aide, who is now scurrying after me 'admiral ross, sir, he said it was important, sir' I harrumph at him, and contemplate retirement. Gah! can't do it, starfleet needs me, and anyway, I would miss the excitement and intrigue. Damnit!

There are some benefits to the senior dining room, three course meal, synthehol, comfortable chairs. 'menu' I snap at ensign, well, the ensign 'choose terran cuisine, french, fish starter, white meat main, fruit sorbet , accommodate dietary requirements Paris zero five zero tango. ' and I growl to myself the adjustments the doctors at starfleet have suggested to enable better management of the hypertension and mature onset diabetes that they regularly ameliorate. I try not to quiver with rage that I am beginning to be slightly breathless by the fast pace I set, whereas this ensign is showing no signs of discomfort.

'ensign ?' I query. better damn well try for politeness 'sulu, sir' I come to an all stop and swivel to face her 'another Sulu? same dynasty?'

'Hikashi, sir, yes, though not a direct descendant' I gaze at her more closely, I can see some of the facial structure of the Sulu dynasty in the high cheekbones, but there is something else there, Bajoran?

'mother, sir' I was unaware that I had spoken 'sorry sir, I thought you would next enquire of my Bajoran ancestry. My mother, a Bajoran freedom fighter smuggled from Terok Nor by my father.'

'Hmm, whose staff are you on?' as I restart walking towards the dining room 'temporarily yours sir, a three month assignment transferred from admiral Nechayev this morning, sir' Oh damnit to the delta quadrant! this isn't really some green ensign, it will be one of Alynna's specially trained cadets.

'well, nice to see that mine isn't the only old starfleet family to have been injected with some rebel new blood'

'yes, sir, oh and congratulations on your granddaughter, sir' and she peels off to the small canteen next to the senior dining room where aides kick their heels as the doors swing open for me.

The senior dining room is something of an anachronism. A relic from a bygone age of ostentation. Long oak tables clothed in the best white linens with padded carver chairs, silver cutlery, crystal glasses, fine china. As Ed once said, only those that require to be elite wish to separate themselves this way. I understand its diplomatic function, but there are some admirals that dine here most days. Decadence.

I look for Admiral Ross, clearing my face of any contempt, I jovially make my way through, nodding at some of my fellow Admirals engaged in diplomatic succor with visiting ambassadors, and others who are more regular diners in this haunt. My confident bustling stride doesn't falter as I pass by Nechayev's table, tho in the interests of politeness I give her and the hardline cronies a nod. Unusual to see her in here. I am not surprised that my PADD chimes shortly before I shake hands with Ross.

'Ah, Ross! persuading me to dine in this hallowed environment. The doctor will be cursing you' i project amiable congeniality and thank my maternal grandfathers genes for giving me an image of bonhomie to misdirect. It has been successful for nearly all my career, distracting those who do not look away from my competence. Not Katie, she saw me for who I am, as did those damned Cardassians. Smile, owen, careful there.

'sorry Ross, touch of the old stomach' and I sit down to hear his latest snide asides about 'those starfleet scientists and explorers' as ross puts it 'taking their eye off the extremists, and making opportunity for the Breen to sweep back in' i have to demur, 'Ross! Ross! you know I made my way to the top through the scientists route.' and I let him condescend as he tumbles out all the malevolence he still holds for those that would reframe starfleet back into a peaceful mould. I remonstrate ineffectually at intervals, and laud Katie and the Chin'toka peace. This does make a bridge between us. 'damn fine captain, knows when to use diplomacy, and when to use judicious force. Did you read some of the Borg extracts?' now, I know that most of these are still on lock down 'ross, you didn't manage to get hold of them!' i display mock annoyance, but tempered with amazement and grudging respect. Ross puffs at his accomplishments, and during the 3 courses talks too much over the captains around that are 'worth keeping an eye on' even if I agree for other reasons, and also his take on diplomacy with the Romulans and Ferengi. He has some interesting gossip around both. He is remarkably up to date, and clearly able to pull together information from a variety of sources.

My PADD notifies again the unread message, and I apologise but review

-.-.-.-

nechayev to paris [encrypted, level 12 only nominated PADD 2 PADD]

As suggested, we have quietly scanned most of our local facilities for the iridium isotope that is suggestive of the stealth devices. As expected, there were areas of compromise, mostly around comms. SXXXI performed a sweep for any defective devices and successfully obtained one that appeared to be defunct and not in communication, so that our awareness should not be identified.

some of the data analysis has been confidentially suggesting that there may have been a positronic net in the more sophisticated of the devices. I would like Cmmdr Data to confirm the hypothesis, and to seek to identify whether there are features commensurate with his progenitor. Can you arrange a suitable opening.

Assuming this supposition, we are confirming the whereabouts of all know devices created by that individual, and close working colleagues, placing the appropriate parameters around them.

This also supplies us with potential motives. Could you confirm Lt EJ SXXXI mission log: Hephaestus pi epsilon theta

-.-.-.-

Ross is trying not to sneak a look, and I school my face into martyrdom. 'more reconfigurations for my MIDAS array' I sigh dramatically. Apparently we should be looking at using some of the communications tech to keep in better contact with our whales. That will give my team something to get their teeth into. Happy as I am to have Voyager back, it has taken us out of the centre of things. Ross is more than happy to talk whales. In particular the rumours of a voyager tech based upgrade to the replicators that gives unbelievable increases in output. Some tech Janeway picked up, apparently, when recreating a new federation. I missed this bit of intel, so am more than happy to marvel with Ross. I am more than willing to show my pride in Katie, we all know she was my protegee and daughter of my best friend. Ed was more outwardly militaristic, and Ross has a great admiration for him.

I complete the meal showing images of my new grandchild, and even Ross is willing to be distracted. He has a not so secret admiration for the Klingons. Declining the antacid hypospray from one of the waiters 'I have my pride, you know', I bid my goodbyes and leave, unsurprised with Ensign Sulu who waits for me at the door, PADD in hand.

'updates, sir, from Voyager comms team' I smile weakly and make my way to the office. It is an update from Lt Kim, who will perhaps become Lt Commander if I have my way. Payback already for my deception with Ross. It makes good reading. Katie certainly trained her crew well. It also comes with an update code that will be something like the omega programme notification. I'm not going to think how the whole of her damn crew seem to know about the omega particle. But it searches for the iridium isotope and notifies pathfinder. Hmm, a sop to me I guess. Should potentially allow us to map the possibilities of where the devices originated from. Long shot.

-.-.-.-

Paris to Patterson [encrypted level 10]

Please insert into all ships upgrades the following code stream attached. It is a routine protection upgrade against some new Malware. Make sure it gets uploaded to all test vessels. Looking forwards to inviting you and your wife to dinner so we can talk ships with my son and daughter! I am sure Leah would enjoy the meeting.

Owen

-.-.-.-

from: Tom Torres Paris [lt, Voyager, chief helmsman]

to: Owen Paris [adm, pathfinder project]

subject: at last!

latest voyager news - Chakotay and Janeway have made their relationship official. A tribal bonding, but start scheming dad! We are meeting in sandrines tonight. Hope that gives you a patch of sunshine in a grey day. Better get back to debrief.

-.-.-.-

well, that deserves a drink and my congrats to Gretchen at least. I manage to ask her where her newest daughter is, apparently in the laboratory with the Doctor. Some mutual delight at the extension of our families. At least this conversation is real. Ed would have been proud of his daughter, but more so even of his wife.

-.-.-.-

from: chakotay [ commander, Voyager, XO]

to: Owen Paris [adm, pathfinder project]

Subject: confidential

Sir, I would be most grateful if you could find some time to meet between now and the Voyager Promotions Ceremony this Friday afternoon. It is a personal matter, about which your son may have given you some pre-knowledge. I would like to exactly follow starfleet protocols and regulations on this issue with your assistance.

Yours, Chakotay

-.-.-.-

I can hear his heels snap! Should have asked prior to whatever the bonding whatnot was. Maybe there is more to it than that. I will see. Good to say Katie grasping the happiness. Good also to settle the gossip, after all, she has made no attempt to conceal their relationship having shared quarters.

so, back to Alynna. I need not ask whether she has a team investigating possible ways to deactivate the devices. The last sentence will require some thought on my part. Hephaestos. Damn me but we were both so young. Our first dual purpose mission. She is thorough, I will give her that, to ave scoured through mine and the Janeway family logs to have come up with that.

Ok, so positronics and commander data. I think that will be more easily accomplished. I retrieve an anonymised PADD and pull onto it the supposition question that might lead someone to an appropriate outcome.

'admiral paris to Voyager EMH'

'the doctor here, how can I help you, admiral'

'I wonder if you have a moment for a foolish admiral that ate too rich a dinner? ' and as he assents, and never even considers coming to me, I call for my aide and we go walking towards starfleet medical and one Seven Janeway. A blustering admiral indeed. I start humming that ridiculously catchy song from the star pirates of penzance. 'i am the very model of a modern starfleet admiral...' oh Ensign Sulu, we are going to have a merry dance in this three months, I can feel the excitement of a challenge.

-0-0-0-

Seven Janeway

returning to the laboratory this afternoon has been required. In my intemperate rush to explore elements of individuality, I have let the less rational and efficient thought processes hold some sway. Reforging my analytical mind to consider the adversaries micro-tech alongside commander data has been a lesson in objectivity and logical discourse.

I would go so far as to say that this morning work has been both illuminating and enjoyable.

We have mostly discarded Borg technology and fleet known nanite work as the origins of these devices, though it is clear that some knowledge of both has been utilised, particularly in the replicant actions. The busard collections from the Enterprise are in the final separation process, and we are down to only a couple of tonnes of space debris for separation. This is being done on the enterprise, and geordi has confirmed that he will immediately notify myself and commander data when the residue is ready for microscopic analysis.

The Daystrom institute is busy providing the computational strength to perform the meta-analysis of the micro spectral sensor data from the delta flyer, and the continguous elements to the iridium tag. It has been a carefully worded request, and some of the computational might is quarentined due to the iridium tag being present in the processor suites.

Currently, Data is searching the databases for all the spyware programmes utilising small and very small probes both active and discontinued, initially those that utilise iridium, those that have a cognitive ability, even if within limited parameters.

I, meanwhile, am reviewing the astrometric data for the alpha and beta quadrants looking at asteroid fields and belts, and tracking those that are owned and mined by corporations, and those that are currently more remote. Iridium is rare on planetoid surfaces unless subjected to meteor bombardment. The source is likely to be an asteroid field. I can track manufactured products from various fields and exclude them. Harry has delivered a programme to search for the iridium tag that can be used on ships and stations. I am frustrated though at the length of time it might take for this research to give a solid lead. SO much else may have intervened.

'doctor, will you kindly desist in your singing. Much as I appreciated the performance of the star pirates of penzance, I do not require a permanent personalised rendition' I glare at him as he leaves his office with Admiral Paris.

'ah, Seven Janeway. That may have been my inadvertant fault. Humming, the major general' he smiles benignly at me as he comes over to my station. 'Hmm' as I flick a switch so only the general stellar display is available 'I believe I would have clearance' 'I would require confirmation' 'just so, Seven, Just so'

As he turns to leave he poses a question 'have you given thought to what interests you, and how you might wish your career progress? Once Katie lets the lid off, you will have many offers. Trust her.' and he walks out with the ensign following. Now I think about it, that ensign is familiar. I believe she may be dating Tarlen. Yes, I have seen them together.

It is only when my eyes drop back to my screen that I see there is now a question, 'what if it is an asimov device?' Despite my coding and searching, I cannot see how the question arrived on my screen, nor how it could have been delivered. I also do not understand the context. I show commander data, who immediately deletes and hides the deletion.

'Seven Janeway, what you have read requires a clearance you do not have. You may not discuss this. Do not search further as this will trigger notice. Continue with your review of sources.'

He turns away. I feel completely human in this moment. Frustrated, angry and patronised. Tom has a very good knowledge of spy and war history. I wonder if he would know who Asimov was?

I stalk out, wishing goodnight to my colleagues and stating my intention to congratulate the captain and commander on their 'bonding'. I plan to wear one of Phoebe's choices at Sandrines. Maybe Naomi will be at home.

-0-0-0-

Chapter 16: Chapter 16 - sandrines

scuttlebutt:

prepare for full party mode. we, the crew, plan to consider this as both a celebration of our command couples commitment, but also add in all those elements of a hen and stag do that we have been denied that we can get away with. So, as master of ceremonies, I want to announce the following competition:

Best Kisser Male - nominees to date: Chakotay [obvs]; Murphy; Paris [self nominated]

Best Kisser Female - nominees to date: the Captain [obvs]; Seven

Apparently the girls have been making a list as to the best kisser! so 10 volunteers/nominations for each in total, will choose those with the most nominations/who I think will be most amusing/random from hat. Blindfolded, hands behind back, marks out of 10.

she who must be obeyed to proud warrior:

are you happy enough with this Chakotay? Not worried about losing out to Murphy? You had better recognise me and put me first.

she who must be obeyed to flydaddy:

quick off the mark there Paris. did this go through any of the proper channels? BTW nice change of name there.

OK, but not too wild. no semi naked [or naked] dancers. just voyagers? oh and pheebs, please.

Flydaddy to she who must be obeyed:

notice your name change too. It is a bit long!

and thankyou. it is going to be fun and not quite tasteful.

flydaddy to ensign no more:

we are on!

proud warrior to she who must be obeyed

Now, I don't even have to bribe the judges, Kathryn. Naughty naughty!

Seven Janeway to scuttlebutt:

we should make it all three Janeway sisters. Please add Phoebe to the lineup.

Scuttlebutt:

A twister championship is called, the command duo and 3 other men and 3 other women for single sex first round, and then mixed for finals. Please volunteer or nominate. Plan to have different crew to 'the line up'

She who must be obeyed to scuttlebutt:

we are all concentrating on the debrief, aren't we *death glare*

proud warrior to scuttlebutt:

more than you seem to be, sweetheart... and that glare, my ablative armour protects me. Firing full spread dimples...

scuttlebutt:

whoever just snorted - janeway - and the coughing, giving the game away guys.

scuttlebutt:

musical dancing queen command chairs. a mashup of kids games, dance with a partner, race to chairs, 2 people on chair max, they dance when music starts, race to different chairs. as chair removed, will see who wins. audience can remove people from chairs to replace with better dancers if otherwise best dancers out.

note, commander, that your captain is reprising her dancing skills.

captains assistant to scuttlebutt:

Mommy says I can come! I can't do the kissing, but I can do the dancing. perlease, pretty please with Jam and Sugar.

-0-0-0-

janeway

well, I haven't stopped laughing since I got here. Tom and helpers have taken us to the sandrines holo programme rather than the real one. It's bigger, especially since he has added an expansion! It is covered in the tackiest balloons, hearts, pictures. He has truly gone for a pastiche of the terrible twentieth century pre wedding rites. It is nothing like the low key drinks and dancing I had expected. I love it!

so we've gone with it. I have taken a leaf out of seven's book, black form fitting catsuit, though maybe not quite so tight, and more of a décolletage. Some silver star sequin motifs dotted about to catch the light. Filmy draped silk tunic length jacket to maintain modesty. Chakotay keeps growling at me, and is being particularly admiring. Should work for twister, show myself to advantage against the youngsters.

so far I have had a wonderful evening, thrashed all comers at pool, desspite soone poor taste comments about whether I have been using chakotay's stick, whether it handles well!. I have been reasonably successful at darts, and less innuendo. I've talked and laughed withlots of crew, happy for us and keen to update me on their homecomings and future. With the homecoming ceremony and balll early on us, it does finally feel like the end of a grand adventure is here, and we are all keen to make that last connection and enjoy our family for these precious last few days.

And every so often he joins me, a proprietary arm around my waist, or fiddling with stray strands of my hair. Sometimes a stolen kiss. He is parading me, and when I give him a wry look he has the grace to laugh.

'Kathryn, it is just that we are finally an us. Own me! Anyway, time for the first game, I hope you have got your kisses ready!' he dimples and then tries a sultry leer.

'Don't worry commander, I have no doubt that you are going to be the best. I have excellent judgement' and Naomi's giggles cause us both to laugh 'Naomi, just need to humour him' I hope Sam keeps an eye on the proceedings.

blindfolded and hands behind my back I am led to the first candidate. I'm slightly nervous about this. Kissing crew members in this game feels rather close to crossing a line. The crew are cheering as Chakotay gamely gets blindfolded and put on the line.

'You next captain' damn Tom for laughing at me 'can't have you seeing the brave men before times!' I shoot him a worried look and he whispers in my ear 'trust me , Katie'

the crowd goes wild as I join the line. Well, if I can walk into a Borg cube, a few kisses are not going to kill me! At that thought kashyks face swims before me and it takes all my strength not to rip the mask off.

'walk forward captain, small steps, let's not be too eager and dent the big guys confidence!' I can hear other similar exhortations! I am brought to all stop just short of touching someone. 'Go!' The command is released and I cautiously lean forwards towards whoever is there. A smile begins to form. Unless all my male crewman have this musky spicy scent, I may be starting easily.

My first touch of lips is at his jawline. So far so Chakotay, right height, right smell, just right.

He moves slightly and the next graze is a gentle meeting of our lips. I have to hold my hands behind me to stop them sweeping up around his neck. I hear b'lanna shout that it isn't a trayken beast, and that we should give a good showing. A rumble of a chuckle comes from the chest pressed against mine, and I can't help a small moan as our kiss gradually deepens. Sliding into heaven, I kiss this so called stranger with a languid passion, promising more. He pushes for that more, and just as I am being swept away, starting involuntarily to bring my arms around we are pulled apart.

at some distance I am asked my 'score' I laugh! I give a ten, but advise that there is no role for complacency! Tom says he is going to read out the other scores for the men, to keep Chakotay in the dark over women subjects.! mostly 7-9 but one ten and one 2 to shouts of derision.

for the women, b'elanna Reads out the scores, to cheers and whistles. Chakotay is asked for his score, and says he thinks he might need a second kiss to be sure. Amongst the general enthusiasm for this answer he is instead pushed to score, and he states 11 to cheering and my blushing.

we are juggled around, and I am more nervous about this second kiss. What if it is harry? I can't believe my mind is now considering who I might kiss...

-0-0-0-

chakotay

I am surprised Kathryn is going ahead with this. I'm quite happy to kiss the girls, though not the way I have just kissed Kathryn! Kisses can be just kisses.

I knew it was her from the moment we cane close. Her unique smell, floral and hint of herbal. her tentative first kiss and if I hadn't known by the way our bodies fit together, her soft moan would have been the decider.

this next kiss, it's going to be someone else. I might rethink my willingness after all, I don't care about my ratings, the only score that matters I have received. I just want more kathryn. Much more Kathryn! That outfit is driving me wild, so a kiss like that last one. Get yourself in order old man! B'e Is pushing me forwards though. I am grinning nervously, not helped by the laughter from those that can see. Please don't be Seven. I am just not ready for that.

as we stand close I get a similar sense of Kathryn again. Could this be phoebe? Oh Spirits. So in trouble if it is! I lean in and realise my kiss is landing on the forehead. A sudden breath in from my partner and I am sure it is Kathryn. Same floral herbal smell, same spark between us. I trail the soft kisses around her face, across her cheek, lightly landing like butterfly wings. She lifts her face up, mouth seeking mine. Oh, my Kathryn.

-0-0-0-

janeway

we've been had! As we are again moved apart to make our scores, I place my hands on my hips to shouts of laughter and then wag my finger in what I hope is the general direction of the room. I rip off the blindfold and see all the happy faces in front of me, my death glare is ineffective so I stride across to Chakotay, patiently blindfolded and rip it off, then grasping his face firmly I initiate another passionate kiss.

'Ok, next game tom! Is that dancing chairs?' And Naomi runs up and says she is charge of music, and Icheb chairs. As the music starts, I sweep Tom out onto the dance floor, leaving Chakotay to be escorted by phoebs. This is going to be such fun!

-0-0-0-

tom Torres Paris

I am quickly out of the dancing, instead I hold Miral and laugh more at Katie picking the shyest and bashful and plumping on their laps on the chairs and then swinging and flirting wildly on dancing before scudding to the next helpless male when the music stops. Chakotay is cheering her on, though pretending to be heartbroken each time she skips past him to sit on a neighbours lap. Her flirting is clearly on form from the blushing and laughing responses.

ha! She has captured harry! Wow! I thought Harry would blush and be awkward. Our boy has definitely grown up! He is even making her laugh with some story or other! Wow! I look to see if b'e has noticed, but it She is currently perching daintily on Vorik. She is laughing and he is looking, well like Vorik.

i watch her try and teach him the twist, whilst he instead politely taps his toes. Katie and Harry are having a wilder dance. I see he has gone for the pirouette option, he just has to keep hold. This time when the music stops, mike throws her over his shoulder as he dashed to a chair. Very naughty! Naomi is remonstrating about disqualifying them both and Icheb has to remind her the captain is supposed to win!

it sets the pattern. Chakotay ambles to a different chair each time, not dancing but accepting whoever also lands there. Katie is effectively kidnapped and the triumphantly carried in hysterics to a waiting throne- I have changed the parameters slightly. Most of us are gasping when harren does it! But I can't help a sly smile that seven demands his attention thereafter, such that they both go out.

Finally only the chair is left, and Chakotay prowls towards Katie and Rollins, sweeping her into his arms mid dance move and carrying her back to the throne.

'i've Won' he declares very smugly, and I guess most of us would agree. Katie is giggling too much to say anything, and instead just gasps for breath. Definitely a winning party game!

-0-0-0-

naomi wildman

'Mom!' She has put her hand over my eyes! I was cheering on the dancing chairs game, which was so much fun and just as the captain won mom covers my eyes. I can see through the gaps though, and they are just kissing again. Well, it does look like they might be eating each other.

'Mom? Is kissing like that a bit yucky? It looks yucky?'

'Naomi wildman, it is a pleasing experience with the right partner' seven has snuck up on us, and she is holding hands! Squeak! With Commander Geordi. I hadn't even notice him arrive.'my date' she introduces us 'the captain's assistant, Naomi wildman '

'do you kiss like that?' The commander and captain don't seem to be stopping any time soon ' I preferred the look of the snowflake kisses he gave her the second time'

'a good choice for someone of your age. The captain once told me that it was not considered correct to discuss pre coplualtory strategies in public, however, as your friend, I will admit to not being averse to such advances.'

'commander Geordi?' I ask 'do you need a glass of water?' He does have a very bad cough.

tom whistles for us to pay attention, and aunty Kathryn jumps up to attention and then blushes. I think she had forgotten us. Tom gives me armbands to give to them as their winning presents. I think they are a little bit silly. Aunty Kathryn's was 'did it' icheb Says it is because she says do it so often, and she has bonded Chakotay. His is sillier as it says 'done it,' but he never said the do it line.

they hug me and mom takes an image of me sitting on one knee and the captain on the other before declaring bed time. I am tired, but I did want to play twister. Aunty Kathryn says it is a school night and as much as she loves me, I am dismissed.

-0-0-0-

jenny Delaney

u have been put in the twisted group with phoebe. They are splitting sisters up! Good thing I know her now, she is a wilder and more uncontrolled version of the captain. I like her. I know in advance she is going to cheat.

tal celebs is an early out as phoebe monologues so many outrageous and unlikely stories of her and the captain when young that the poor girl just sits down and laughs. The captain on the other mat is also reprimanded for threatening to come over and 'brain' her sister. Apparently that means thump. In fact they high volume curses and threats from the other twister group coming our way is weakening jor as well. The curses are moving through a variety of languages, chell cheers at the bolian invective and all the ex maquis have a knowledge of bajoran, however Vorik appears to lose his poise and actually looks sick when what must be Vulcan curses fall from her lips.

'charming, sister, charming!' Phoebe exclaims as she and I finish as the winning two from our mat. 'Let's cheer her on!' And we stand close to the other mat, where the captain is just in a catsuit and Chakotay is calling, mostly to get her into positions that show off her figure. And she knows it. There is significant catcalling. Nicoletti gives up after a twist too far and I am surprised when Megan fails to wriggle into position. The captain and Sam, returned from giving Naomi to her husband, are victorious.

The men's heats are on, and Chakotay strips off his shirt to ripple muscles. He has clearly bean working out. Few of us have seen him with so little clothing. The testosterone levels are flying as there is definitely jostling to compete. Tom, not as trim, is reluctant to loose the garish flowered shirt whereas mike is boasting he is leaner and meaner and getting right in chakotay's face. Murphy and chapman seem to be facing off as well. Harry, bless, isn't taking part. Tom is a quick bail out as is dally, though Chakotay and mike are looking like a grudge match. Mike does press-ups in his difficult position, so Chakotay needs to do them too. Even though they are the declared winners they are still squaring up. Lots of cheering. It makes me wonder exactly how harmless mikes crush on the captain is.

catching Megan's eye I can see she is unimpressed by the machismo. None of us foresaw though the captain spraying them both with the soda siphon ' just taking the heat down, boys' she drawls. Instantly Chakotay has grabbed the ice bucket and is chasing her, she cackles and sends a further spray his way. The twister contest is derailed by a water fight!

such a lot of me regrets that we never saw this wicked side of the captain out there, and privileged that we finally have. Order is called, and the captain calls for a toast to new futures whilst Chakotay risks brig time with an ice cube perilously placed to slip.

the holodeck sonics clean and dry and the captain, Kathryn, declares it is time to relax, talk and dance. Thanking us all for the fun they have had before being swept into a 'first dance' gradually we join in. Peace is restored, and we can celebrate the personal joy of our command team. As we dance, harry reminds me we have a wedding to plan.

-0-0-0-

she who must be obeyed to scuttlebutt

Thankyou all for an evening of friendship and laughter. No gossip tomorrow!

Chapter 17: Chapter 17 - a new legend is begun

I am just so sorry to have been so long updating this one. Partly writers block, mostly about juggling work, kids, studying [5000 word essay to do by new year] and bereavement. Still reading others fab stories. I guess a bit about wondering whether this story has got a bit boring as its not an action adventure! I need to write it tho, I need to see that things are settling, that decisions are made and how they are arrived at, that friendships are strengthened and the bonds forged in the delta quadrant don't fall apart when the show is over. That alpha and delta families can co-exist in priorities. Nearly completed this one. Nearly at the Homecoming Ball. I can get there!

-0-0-0-

Janeway

'so, I believe that is the last of them Katie' Owen is finally reaching the end of the official part of business, wrapped up well in time for lunch and my date with Chakotay.

'yes sir' and I grin, wondering why he still looks so serious.

The final group of voyager promotions, redeployment agreements and the thorny knot of the equinox group is all determined. It has been a hard fought battle, and only really the frightening scarcity of personnel within starfleet currently has kept them a place. No court martial, but a confirmed demotion, a closed and confidential section in their personnel files, and a recommendation that may never become part of a command team. Also, a resit of the command ethics programme. However, I know that they will all think that this is better than they had hoped. Their Voyager time has been counted as part exculpatory. It is better than I had hoped, the original thought had been a dishonourable discharge. Gilmore and Lessing immediately have a posting to DS9, so I will be seeing them regularly. The others have opted for earthside positions in research.

'that leaves then just one element to finally debrief' his voice is serious and my eyes flick back to him 'sir?'

'Starfleet needs a full and frank discussion over your personal relationship with your first officer' I step back, horrified. I have been more than honest and open with Owen, and not hidden anything from star fleet command. 'trust me, Katie, this all needs to be recorded and above board if you are going to have credibility in the wider admiralty'

If anything made me see red, this is it 'Damnit Owen, I will not be bullied by the admiralty, and I refuse to believe that my success as a captain can be obliterated by who i f... um partner' I hand on hip and glare 'and its not something i am going to back down over either. I gave 7 damn years of my life purely to starfleet and nearly lost the opportunity to share my future with Chakotay, it just isn't going to happen'

I get my first smile from Owen 'they all knew you would react badly, so I pulled the short straw' 'they, THEY!' I escalate, though I can guess Nechayev, Hayes, Patterson are probably all part of the cabal. 'Katie, I imagine they are all hearing now and quaking.' He raises his hands. 'the alternative that was being suggested was a review of both of your personal logs, and maybe close crewmembers' I am just horrified and walk to look out of the window, allowing myself to find the calm I need. This is Owen, he is not an enemy. He has offered to bear an unpalatable message. 'there are some... unusual admirals currently, Katie. We need you. We need to move out of retrenchment and some damned positive forward thinking instead. Put this to bed' and i give a wry smile through the window at his turn of phrase'

'owen, no tricks? straight questions?' when he nods, I agree. After all, this question isnt really going to go away.

'Sulu' he comms 'enter please' and Owen and I sit back down facing off across his desk. I look closely at her, after all, Sulu is a trek name. 'not direct descendant, close family, ma-am' so we begin.

'tell me, Captain Janeway, were any inducements off the record offered or requested from either side to merge the maquis and starfleet crew, and determine precedence' my jaw would drop and I am tempted to stand and walk out. 'no' I bite out. 'all items related to this are documented in full detail in my log' the questions damn sure are straight. 'both myself and Commander Chakotay approached the amalgamation of our crew with the professionalism expected from a starfleet officer. No ultra vires requests were made or offered' and so it begins.

-0-0-0-

Chakotay

Kathryn is running late, and unusually hasn't commed. She was meeting Owen this morning, so they have probably just got distracted. I huff a laugh at this, and that for once I don't feel that she could be imperilled, my heart rate doesn't rise, nor do I feel an anxiety until I can ascertain her whereabouts. how quickly I can let my guard down. As I choose my meal in the mess, I can't see any other voyagers as most are now free until their next deployments as chosen. Our starfleet apartment block is half empty as they finally enjoy well earned leave. Our prolonged debrief, counselling and many social voyager events has allowed those that wished to to strengthen and consolidate their voyager family status here, as well as renegotiate other families and friendships. It has given many the ability now to choose who and where to relax, to start to believe in a future not bound by Voyager, yet always welcomed. It has allowed us to regain ourselves yet realise what we have shared has changed us. There are some who will fight hard to regain their sense of self, those who struggle more to reconcile that which we faced. Nicolletti in particular has found safety a hard environment. None of us is alone, and together we will help Guess this gives me an opportunity to just sit and relax. I clear my mind from the debrief and the upcoming deployment, and instead centre myself in this space and savour the food before me.

It takes a while for me to become aware of the words coming through the hum of the table next door. The heated discussion is intruding on my calm, and as I return to an awareness of my surroundings, it is with some horror that I realise that the conversation is a less than quiet dissection of the gossip surround the possible relationships aboard Voyager. More specifically, that of the executive team. I try not to listen, but one voice persistantly rises above the general salacious gossip, increasing in strength. 'maquis scum' and 'nailing the captain in safety' are words that drill into my security. Calling Kathryn a 'maquis whore' and the consensus that we 'idled our heels in safety' to miss out on the 'biggest fight on starfleets hands' , exhorting fellow tablemates to agree that we disgrace starfleet by our presence.

I continue to eat the food in front of me in a considered unhurried fashion. I will not listen now. To stand now, and dispense the maquis style justice I might once have been tempted into is not an option. Regardless of the jibes and taunts, I am a starfleet officer. I will learn from this, firstly that without the Voyager crew I may be better dining in the officers mess, or waiting until my lunch date can join me. Secondly, that the below deck gossip about senior staff should stay just there and I need to let it go. Thirdly, that the reflected view I have been given to date of the success of Voyager and its crew is not universal.

There will always be people in all ranks all too willing to look for the negative, to drag down shining reputations, to overlay other successes with the acquired hurts or constructs of hatred or jealousy. Just because the world we have been inhabiting since return has presented us with reassurance, the challenge is still there, there will be admirals as well as crewmen who despise those of us that were maquis, that also dispute the command team's recorded platonic relationship, instead salacious imaginings and inappropriate behaviours titillating their dark murmur in the shadows. Kathryn's last mission may have won more hearts and minds, and enthused those willing to listen with her impassioned plea for starfleet ideals, but it has also pushed her further into the limelight. A beacon for those that need guidance, but a target for those who wish to follow a different path.

I am doing my best not to listen to the list of supposed attributes that either myself or Kathryn may have to 'sweeten the deal', nor the assumption that she will break and run for a 'real man' now she is back in the alpha quadrant, rather than a 'primitive from some backwater nowhere' And I realise that I am listening to every word, and the rhythm of my lunch is disrupted. I think that I will call it quits and retire from the fray, otherwise I can feel myself being drawn in.

-0-0-0-

Janeway

Dammit Owen, do we really need to rake all this through? 'yes, there was a possibility that had we been isolated on the planet in the delta quadrant for longer that an intimate relationship may have ensued. I have to reiterate' damn his nosy heart to hell 'that we had not any expectation of recovery, nor did we immediately relax our command structure, more that we developed a ... a friendship and equality of position.' As i say this, my mind goes to a bathtub, a promise of a future with a no longer angry warrior. There is no way till hell freezes over that I will share this time 'at no time did we initiate a more ... romantic ... arrangement.' oh but I wanted to, I was so close to doing so when Voyager came back. Do I not regret making that move sooner? Maybe, but how can I tell what changes it would have made to our journey, to our success. Would I have been so driven? Looking back I question my sanity in some of the risks I was prepared to take. Would I have still taken them? I permit myself that momentary dream of living our lives together in peace on New Earth.

'Captain Janeway!' his gruff voice takes me from the reverie, no anger in it, just a call to attention. When my eyes meet his, he knows to stop this line of questioning. 'I accept that whilst you were engaged to Mr Johnson that it is likely that on your return to Voyager, the command structure remained platonic' I nod, but at the questioning eyebrows 'yes. sir' for the Sulu scion to capture in the recording of our meeting. silent sulu scion? serene, silent sulu scion?

'I am sorry Admiral, but I do have a lunch meeting, which I must by now be considerably tardy in arrival'

'and that is with the commander?'

'yes, sir'

'if we, perhaps, cut to the chase then, Captain Janeway' I manage not to roll my eyes as one of Tom's aphorisms spills from his father's mouth. I try and tell myself that it is better that this is out in the full glare of daylight. I am sure though that they would never do this to a male Captain. I am sure Picard had an attachment to a very junior Bajoran maquis. And Owen, well, we are both aware of at least one indiscretion in his captaincy, perhaps under extraordinary circumstances. Deep breathing Janeway. Nearly done.

-0-0-0-

Chakotay

I should have moved out sooner. I had hoped that this was contained on their table, but despite restraining hands reaching ineffectually towards a colleague breaking free, I can see that I am being approached. The table watches warily, hoping for excitement.

He slams down in front of me. Sandy haired, freckled pale skin and so impossibly young. Tendrils of anger radiate from him, curling towards me to ensnare, attempting to elicit a response. Perhaps once, before I had found my peace, when I was quick to anger. i have since learnt both how to find and keep that inner peace, but also benefits of patience and resisting provocation. The crewman before me has none of the intelligent needling that pierced my shell of invulnerability, expertly delivered by a devore inspector, and instead aims for blunt shock. I have seen angry young men like him too many times, I have used those angry men, fed their hatred of cardassians and starfleet collaborators. I was such an angry man.

I look up, into the surprising green eyes of this protagonist. 'tell me why you joined starfleet' the question jolts, as it is intended. It is asked in the normal command tone, an officer expecting to be heard and answered. It allows me to gauge the depth of his anguish by the length of time it takes him to surface. Deep. He isn't distracted from the random shrapnel spray of foulness spewing forth from his lips. Nor am I distracted by it, instead hearing the pain in the voice delivering the coarsest insults his mind can devise.

'was it the ideals of peaceful cooperation, the chance to see the stars? science? tell me about why you joined starfleet' The voice of a counsellor, coolly enquiring, the offer non-judgemental, perhaps even compassionate. I want him to be able to find a moment of calm, a moment to bring him back before the ripples of this disruption spread further, and some officious junior officer is sent with charges that will then explode the whole situation in an exponential detonation shockwave sequence. My eyes focus on his, I male no movements. I am not a threat. I am just asking a question. A further volley of low impact missiles are released from his unthinking mouth. but we both know that his full invective is not behind them. This is no longer a targetted strike but paper planes, a shadow pass, all for show.

'why starfleet' the question is a quietly spoken request to achieve understanding. A chance for a release, to lance the anger and despair underneath. The symptoms of this festering sore the diatribe aimed at my primitiveness, the traitor and the besmircher of starfleet and a captain. A captain defiled in his eyes by integrating our traitorous crew and my personal attention. Reducing for him the standing and value of starfleet and my captain, allowing him to believe both are less than they are. Opening the way for him to persuade himself in the future to either act outwith starfleet regulations, aid and abet something that currently is morally or ethically wrong, or at a best case, to leave in bitterness. And when I hold quiet, allowing him the opportunity to consider my question, and no flurried distraction of covering fire comes my way, I know that we will be able to start this.

-0-0-0-

Janeway

'So you are saying that at no point did you have an intimate relationship with Commander Chakotay in the delta quadrant'

'that is correct sir'

'for the record, I will log that Commander Chakotay notified me yesterday - add the stardate in will you Sulu - that he wished admiralty permission to formalise a partnership with Captain Janeway. I granted this. I am under the assumption that a romantic relationship even if not yet an intimate relationship has therefore subsequently developed' I take a deep breath. What is Chakotay planning, is this for the tribal ceremony at Dorvan, is he planning more than the bonding we shared? And asking permission! of the admiralty! hardly anyone does this any more. Dammit, I don't need their permission to make the decision to share my life with him. Though on reflection, I can see why a seven year parameter driven delta quadrant experience might have caused him to believe this. Damn.

'yes sir' he waits patiently for further details, but I have had enough of this charade. I don't believe that this sworn document will persuade anyone, and I am not sure at this time whether I care.

'janeway?'

'At the end of our journey, a civilian crew member had initiated a romantic relationship with the commander. Had we remained in the delta quadrant, this would have continued, since as the command team we would have continued to function within these parameters. However, on our return to the alpha quadrant, and the celebration walk where we reminisced on out seven year friendship in command, it became clear that our strong partnership had deeper roots that we hadn't explored. We might have continued not to explore them save for a chance discussion with Miss Wildman, who opened up the discussion and the listening crew expressed approval. We had our first date at the voyager celebration party.' I think that even with this concise answer I may have said too much.

'Thankyou Captain Janeway. For the record, I was a witness to your second date on return, as I hosted a meal and invited both Commander Chakotay and your families at the behest of my son and his spouse. At this point I clearly gave approval for the relationship at the same time as I did for the flexible living arrangements for the Voyager crew.' perhaps not quite how I recall it Owen, but I am not going to disagree.

'I think that might be a wrap, Sulu. Are there any more areas that we need to cover?' on her negative, she leaves. I unleash an unfettered death glare on Owen.

'don't!' I demand 'you know that this is completely uncalled for, that i am being held to account to a higher set of standards than you did as a captain, that I imagine most of our current captains, and admirals that came through the active command track have. Starfleet protocol was probably the least important reason that I never acted on the passion or emotion that i felt from the very start Owen. the very start. Seven years of forcing an all encompassing love into friendship and work partnership. It was damn hard. I damned nearly lost everything to get our ship home. You have no idea... Hell! I have no idea why Chakotay sought your permission yesterday, or what for, since we have completed our promises. I sure as hell never plan to seek permission about personal matters. It doesn't matter what starfleet chooses to think. Our relationship is fact, and there is no going back from that position. Am I clear?'

'damn straight, ma'am' and I see the absurdity and laugh despite myself. This is Owen, and the deed is managed as near painlessly as we can, for what it is damn well worth. Still, I wonder why this charade has truly been necessary, and what Chakotay has actually sought permission for. What we might need to be permitted to do.

'I had a lunch date, Owen.'

-0-0-0-

Chakotay

So he has sat and spilled his venom for lives lost, a friend defecting to the maquis, the vacillatfion of starfleet leaving them vulnerable to loss, the unbearability of realisation that the maquis may have been right, and the horror of Tevlik. The unexpected horror of war in a young man seduced by peace and cooperation. The disbelieving that so soon an organisation might revert to introversion, war, them and us. Not supporting the less profitable colonies. Needing to make sense of this, the wasteful primitives who were lucky to enjoy the federation largess for so long giving nothing back. A stance he tries and fails to believe. The joy of the belief in the federation, being part of a whole which was greater turning to ashes. Spouting the anachronistic chauvinist posturings of the new admirals and captains, uncertain of their worth and brazening it out. As always, posturing turning on those deemed to be weaker, less able to fight back. The poor, the differently abled, those choosing a different lifestyle, non human with alien values. Them and Us. Hiding the horror of war and rape by dividing women into mothers and whores, and therefore unable to see them as people, captains and leaders. By not respecting others, in the end losing respect for self. A monstrous construct of self loathing.

How far have the mighty fallen.

So Voyager, defeating the odds, returning from an Odyssean adventure, untainted by the war, by the changing stance of federation and starfleet. Voyager, surviving due to those very principles that the current starfleet and federation and struggling with. Choosing to value all, giving second chances of redemption, placing the individual as important. Led by an indomitable woman who tamed enemies and made them family. A mirror of brightness and clarity to reflect the changes that have occurred since she left. A mirror that demands something, change, a return to values, shame.

I know that the tables around us have gone silent as this confessional deluge has been wrung out of the crewman whose name I still don't know. As his words slow to a hesitant drip, I ask if he would like to know about her. The woman whose words are re-inspiring many, if they will just listen to them. A captain who truly understands the truth of what it really is to be starfleet or federation, and will protect that with her dying breath. I have all of their attention. 'we all willingly followed the captain, because she embodies the truth of who we want to be. She is human, makes mistakes at times, is reckless, impossible, indomitable, but more than that, she is a starfleet captain. She allowed us her crew to make mistakes, and did we make mistakes, to make restitution, and to become better, to reach our potential by her faith in us that never wavered.'

And I tell the events of us being trapped in the void, with no clear escape. Almost immediately attacked for what we had brought in by desperate ships who had been sucked in before. A void of lawlessness and no morals, where the only way to survive was to prey on those weaker. To aim to be the strongest, inspire fear and be left alone. To turn on the most primitive and most defenceless. To make temporary alliances only as it suited us. In the recounting, I can see the senior team arguing for this stance, to my shame, even Tuvok and I immediately abandoned our starfleet ideals, insisting they had no place here. That as a lone voice, she persuaded us that a mere extension to existence was not worth the loss of values that helped define us. my voice in this retelling is holding my audience. I can see the angular bitterness that has tightened his eyes and mouth relax. I sense the release of some of the disappointment, the hurt and betrayal not acknowledged but damaging. As we build towards the final escape and we have the last betrayal, I sense the anger that someone would betray starfleet, betray *her*, THE Captain.

The mood in the room has changed, the tide swinging towards the return of federation beliefs. It is a small incremental change in a large organisation, hampered by inertia, pockets of weak leadership and pockets of active resistance. I understand the admirals need to spread Voyagers, to allow these stories to be shared as Kathryn appears on Fed News, as she inevitably will. That Owen and his cabal is right. She is undeniably the leader they need now. I will have to share her, persuade her to take on the bigger roles as she finally would commit only to me. The needs of the many has always been our driver. Only I will openly stand with her. I will share her burdens to make them lighter.

As the story reaches its climax, and our mini federation makes the escape I hear the sigh of relief from around the room, even though the outcome must be clear by my presence. I look at the crewman. 'Sometimes you can live by the principals, and make them your own. Most of us need a guiding example to help us when it gets hard. We found our captain, she didn't fail us, and when she needed support, we were there.' A voice from elsewhere asks whether it is true, that she and I were lovers. I look at the crewman, and he understands and answers 'it doesn't matter, Billings, it just isn't relevant. She is the captain, she led them home and fulfilled her promise. She is a starfleet captain'

I know that she has arrived. I look up and meet her wry smile as she walks towards me and the room jumps to attention. I join them and salute. after all, she is the captain.

-0-0-0-

the void is one of my favourite episodes, showing Janeway as a true visionary leader, understanding the values underpinning the federation, inspiring others to believe in them too. That she has learnt from her own mistakes along the way. I had a plan with this chapter. I'm not sure I achieved it!

Chapter 18: politics of peace, presage of conflict

Nechayev

gods, what I wouldn't give sometimes to go back to the early days as a Captain. I have been reviewing information sent from fellow admirals, my persons of interest and the distilled stories from multiple scuttlebutt sources.

What I really need is an entirely reliable aide, quick to scan and assimilate the information and give me the patterns so that I can make decisions. I need my own commander data, though he will never leave the enterprise now he is first officer. Potentially Seven Janeway she was a high level command drone. No, not yet, we do not have full proof of loyalty, and until Janeway's return, her behaviour was erratic, T'Len was concerned that the Borg Queen might still have a connection. Until this can be irrefutable denied, starfleet workings must stay apparent to her only in the overt.

When Bouverie, our current Commander in Chief fields his retirement, then I might finally be able to increase my staff. Currently I am his chief advisor, and hence the multiple reports.

We are in better shape though, the voyager return, the cardassian accord, the wealth of new data to distract us from our losses. Soon we shall be at the tipping point, where we can reinvigorate the federation and follow the path of mutual peace.

When she is finally based here, I will officially leave voyager staff and data to Janeway to manage, she is managing it well unofficially as it is. I see a kindred spirit. Too soon to draw her officially into the higher echelons of admiralty, I will manage through Owen for now. I hope that she and Nerys will be able to create a productive partnership. We need Bajor.

Should Picard follow through on the rumour of hanging up his boots, I might be able to speed his ascendancy. His analytical mind would be more valuable here now.

Gods, I need Sulu back! I put my eyes back on the personal PADD and draw up the more personal admiralty updates. Some clearly draw my eyes first

paris to nechayev [privileged admiralty encryption]

It is done, although I am not sure that she will ever trust me again. However, if you and the other admirals think that it is required, well, her honesty was obvious. I m absolutely convinced that there was no intimate relationship in the delta quadrant, and both Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay placed their starfleet duties as the executive team and the leadership requirements for the weal of their crew above any personal considerations. Indeed, it should be said that they made a significant sacrifice to put professional above personal for that length of time.

The document Paris delta zero five two zero has been filed with a level ten security requirement as requested.

However, I have received a request to formalise a relationship here in the alpha quadrant by Commander Chakotay as per starfleet regulations regarding marriages of captains, and I have agreed. I presume you have the correct angle on this to let slip to any press enquiry.

On another note, I had lunch with an esteemed colleague who was more positive about our Captain than I could have hoped. I wonder whether he perhaps could be a mentor and the reviewing admiral. He is due a sign of respect, and this will be a significant one. Her first 6 months are indeed working in his territory of strengths, and she can begin with the romulan and ferengi proposals and no doubt improve the likelihood of a successful outcome.

I hear she does require some dirt-time, and is planning to move into a research leading role when the next tour is finished, but that doesn't preclude some light ambassadorial work. I would whole heartedly approve the move when the time comes, as i am sure she will reignite our research strategies, and we need to be planning to not just stabilise what is now, but creating something that will adapt to future conflicts or help us avoid them. We still have the Borg and potentially some of the more militaristic species they encountered in the delta quadrant.

Hayes to Nechayev [privileged admiralty encryption]

you might be interested in an incident averted in the delta mess hall, predominantly Voyager until recently. review the security cameras at 13:00 onwards. I believe we may have underestimated the commander's gravitas and potential role in the reinvigoration programme. I would request a widening of Voyagers parameters whilst both are present to include some of the other recalcitrant worlds, and an increased number short rotations through of those that faced hardship or familial distress in the recent perturbations.

I would like to rescind any previous commentary on the commander's appropriateness, and instead recommend a long term career trajectory that may initially due to familial circumstances be heavily based on earth, perhaps with the academy and also develop our programme for widening access to starfleet again and include some advanced command track training for the more contrary elements within starfleet and review utilisation of their diverse skills. We clearly have the Janeway influence to consider, but Voyager has been impressive in its adaption and adoption of mixed background personnel. Ultimately, I see an ambassadorial role for Chakotay arranged around his preferences for prime interest.

If there are no challenges, I would volunteer for link admiral position to initiate development of these initiatives. I believe the comander should remain a 'dark horse' until word of mouth brings these talents to the fore. Under the guise of a forced capitulation, I should have ready then the initiatives and the position that should best suit his skills, aptitude and correspond to his professional desires, even if not recognised by him currently.

Picard to Nechayev [level 10 authorisation required]

Alynna, after much though and following significant persuasion on your part, I am ready to consider that my active duty may be at an end. I hope to see one further tour on the enterprise and also see Riker successfully installed in his own command and data as my first, as previously discussed. I would be pleased for the admiralty to suggest some useful options.

I would like to take this opportunity to request permission to marry as per starfleet regulations for captains. The lady is on my ship, though we are not usually in a command relationship, and we have had for many years a close friendship that we would finally wish to flower into something more.

I am sure that you are confident that you have correctly identified the lady. She would be seeking a role back on Earth to coincide with my leaving a captaincy.

I hope that none of the above is discussed widely, as I would like to surprise the lady shortly with a fully clothed proposal following the much anticipated nuptials of Riker and Troi, and my crew towards the end of this tour of duty.

Patterson to Nechayev [privileged admiralty encryption]

B'elanna Torres is a miracle. Alynna, we must promote her to lieutenant commander, or better still commander. She and her husband have proposed a whole new class of shuttle, slightly larger, that will make ideal admiralty and diplomatic vessels. I can see that they are desperate that Janeway gets the first one, and I can hardly fault them on that, but with further refinement, they would make superb defensive fighters in a starship battle. Although this is nowhere mentioned on the specs, I am not so old or blind that I cannot see where there are structural and command elements that are present easily adaptable for a number of offensive weaponry that can be integrated at short notice. I would recommend once the initial trials are satisfactorily concluded, we aim to update all shuttles in current use to the improved delta flyer for smaller shuttles and this 'falcon' class. primarily defensive and ambassadorial in appearance, both have enhanced functions in all parameters for peaceful envoy, and both can be swiftly weaponised if need calls.

I have uploaded the file for your perusal Patterson phi zero zero seven delta

on the subject of Tom Paris, I would like to request he works for 2 days on design and one training nova squadron. At least until we have a fleet of variable sized shuttlecraft. Then he can train them in pushing the most out!

Ross to Nechayev [privileged admiralty encryption]

Dearest Alynna, it has been an age since we last talked. I wonder if you could release to me some invaluable moments of your time. A private working breakfast or lunch perhaps?

it is a trifling matter, but I have whispers, or maybe just rumours, regarding Reman changes affecting Romulus and would like to take advantage of your most strategic thinking regarding perilous borders.

Yours as ever R

Nechayev

No major surprises in those messages at least. Most can be easily actioned. Another coffee perhaps. Hmm, on the scuttlebutt there is something around unusual ferengi activity. An increased presence on Earth and DS9. Maybe Ross will have an answer, I had better tag Ferengi for updates. There is never anything unprofitable about Ferengi movements, so there must be an agenda here. Breakfast with Ross. A challenge. His sources are as widespread as mine and his greed for personal aggrandizement has not diminished his acumen. The war worked well in his favour, and he could even challenge for CiC.

Nothing coming in around Borg, always a relief. No great progress yet on Borg defence. I will need to move that on shortly. Seven's medical nanoprobes work has ground to a halt over the non-availability of a ready supply of nanoprobes for routine use. Admiral Hendry has made discreet enquiries as to when Seven Janeway can be located in her department. I will suggest that she gets agreement from the Janeway sisters, and ensure that any support or oversight required is in place.

Nothing around the adversary, more of a concern, they are still out there. I can see that there is huge data manipulations in progress, and can only hope that we can gain an advantage. If I can see the high volume of data transfers, no doubt the adversary can. We are only slowly clearing with iridium sweeps are compromised areas of highest value. It would be better to be closer to the adversary before we more noticeably blind them. The life of captain and commander currently is essential for the wellbeing of the federation. although there were surprising positive benefits from martyrdom predicted, there is no guarentee of the longevity of this benefit, and even with the coldest of rationales and following Spock's mantra on the needs of the many, I would hope to jeopardise the least lives possible.

The specs of the falcon class are certainly interesting. Patterson is astute enough to not mention the easy integration of cloaking tech as well. When the timing is better, I might share this with Ross, via Patterson of course, and see whether he can determine the optimum number of the different shuttles on a ship for optimum defence. He will see the possibilities instantly. It certainly is a more cost efficient and less threatening option than the tripartite ships we have been experimenting with.

Of course, this would mean more people on each vessel would be required to have better piloting and tactical skills, but Tuvok's cross training programme worked well on Voyager, and i wonder whether he would help devise a programme to be initiated across starfleet. After all, all personel have gone through the academy, and are all passed out with at least some skills in this area. A vulcan led programme is also likely to be positively received in Federation despatches.

I wonder what adaptions could be made to the captain's yacht each of our ships carry, or whether some one or 2 person reconnaissance shuttles could be better configured for speed and tactical advantage. Something like those Varduaar ships rather than our more usual clunky multipurpose designs. Perhaps stored like the yacht on the underbelly for swift release and use? Perhaps I should try and talk to the Torres-Paris team. Well, the promotions ceremony and homecoming ball tomorrow should allow some opportunity for conversation with everyone.

The day passes with a flurry of PADD messages, orders, recommendations and meetings. The new teams assigned to transporter technology seem to be thriving, working to develop an implantable personal transporter, based on that used by the Voyager team on Quarra, but improving the lock so they can pass back through shields, radiation and other interference. Interesting. Janeway's team should have had the precursor for their Chin'toka mission. I will authorise use of the precursor whilst we await developments. the tech specs can be placed in all our level ten clearance files.

My aides are long gone, and it is well past time I should have left. Perhaps when things are more stable, I might try to create some space in my life for something other than starfleet again. My children grown but more in tune with their mom, the carer and nurturer. Resident on earth, but might as well be the delta quadrant for all the light years starfleet created between us.

We need to look at reducing the price of starfleet service. I come from a long and honorable tradition of starfleet loyalty and failed or parallel life marriage.

-0-0-0-

I think just more more chapter aught to do it! then in the new year, when this dratted essay completed, I hope to start the next adventure that is currently only outlined in my head. The problem with somehow being a story arc fanfic writer, you have this overwhelming desire to flesh out the whole of the world they live in. Not just the story.

Chapter 19: Chapter 19 - a shared Janeway vision

Chakotay

Kathryn was up early today, all badly contained restless excitement, her Voyager self re-activated just waiting for that red alert to spring into action. I felt her carefully extricate herself from the covers with as much restraint as she could muster, the bed instantly colder and desolate. I lay still, and listened to the sounds of her careening around the appartment and first the shower and the floral and herb scent that follows and then then pungent bitterness of coffee, even if decaffeinated. A clatter of dropped PADDs and a muttered curse. Part of me worries that the starfleet future beckoning may sweep her back into the stars, restless for exploration and adventure. I have to trust to her, trust to us that we can make a world for us and our family within the sweep of her grand passion. i know that we will have to forge this together, extend the parameters of our command team such that we achieve balance in our lives, destiny on a wider canvas and cherish our love close to our hearts.

I know that this path will not always run smoothly. As my spirit guide warned me, I need to be brave.

-0-

I knew last night, watching her as we shared a meal with our senior team that tomorrow for her represents some final release from burden, when she stops the overwhelming responsibility that has been her daily honour to carry, the lives and well being of the crew. She fizzed with the suppressed excitement that this freedom will give her. We sat once more surrounded by the wider crew on tables, one last meal as Voyager together. Her buzzing excitement talking about futures and plans and possibilities created equal enthusiasm amongst some members of our old crewmates.

there were some of us who eyed each other quietly, that hanker after what we had on voyager. Not the red alerts, and struggles with supplies, but the family, the microcosm, us against the world. We knew then who we were, and for the most part had adjusted to the loss of the alpha quadrant. We went with the general enthusiasm for the return home, because what real alternative did we have, as well as a clearly unrealistic expectation that it would take most of our lifetime. Apart from the 37's planet, we could never have settled anywhere and made a life, and that planet was too early in our voyage for anyone truly to consider it. I sometimes wonder what might have happened if that planet had been later. After our dark spell where Kathryn lost herself, or after the loss of Neelix. would we, too, have finally surrendered. Could we have persuaded her? I don't think so.

Our careful slow acclimatization back here has helped, the Voyager 6 months of gradually letting go will help further, and Tom, Tom who least wanted a return is right there organising the Voyager networks further, all the meeting places, unofficial and official celebrations - prixin featuring heavily - and our own comms network. We will keep the Voyager family alive for all those that need her, celebrate and love together, catch those that might fall.

So Kathryn stood, and delivered another extemporaneous speech

'Hmm, many of you will be pleased to hear that you have nearly come to the end of my speeches! Well, at least those that you need to be polite about! This one, as many have been, is about love, loyalty, faith and family. it is my heartfelt belief that we got home on the individual strengths of every single one of us that we wove together into a stronger whole. That this strength came from changing from fellow crewmen into family, and we will always be family however far we spread ourselves across the four quadrants. this connection that we all now share may be for some a silver thread spun from the finest gossamer for those that fly free and wide, and more substantial for some of us who will always stay closer together.'

at that she put a hand on both mine and Icheb's shoulders to claim us as hers, to the cheers of the crew, happy in our family. Looking around, there were other family subunits that had developed over the years, sitting in groups amongst the bigger groups, chinking glasses together at that. Perhaps we didn't quite make it into a generational ship, but the seeds were there, and now we are settling.

'That we must never forget what we truly learnt out there, that we were absolutely all the heroes we are feted to be. We survived and did our best to thrive in overwhelmingly hostile circumstances, holding on as best we could to principles and the better values of the federation and our individual cultures. We have shown that standard issue crew can deliver the extraordinary when the situation requires it. We rose to that challenge together, and all share that success and glory. We have also shown that there is a potential hero inside everyone and I hope our story allows others to aspire to be the best they can be, to pull out those stops and have the courage. We may have made mistakes, hell, I made some truly reckless ones out there' she admits to a cheer ' but we repaired, recovered and were stronger together for forgiving them. Second chances, and sometimes more, have been shown to be more than worth the cost. ' and she raised an eyebrow at me, to more laughter

'although my need to be the captain, with the required tunnel vision towards home often meant that I couldn't simultaneously be a friend or join in all bonding, knowing that on the morrow i would have to send some of you into danger, make decisions that would potentially court disaster, have to think of the many rather than the few, none the less, I care and cared for each and every one of you.'

'Your steadfastness and overall faith in me kept me strong for you, you have just no idea how much it meant to me to know your support and love was there.' we all saw the tears brimming in her eyes, and that they spilled over at the standing ovation she received is of no surprise. She waves people back down again to continue.

'Some of you had the particularly onerous job of bearding the captain on a regular basis.' a further laugh ' I may have only recently found out about the manual of how to handle me' she eyes Tom here, and there is a bigger laugh as well as clearly a number of shouted requests for Tom to share the said manual 'but I was definitely well aware of the 'shipping forecast' that was broadcast, and the 'CQ' which I believe stood for coffee quotient, but may have been crazy quirkiness.' a roar of laughter followed this too. 'and probably all those rumours you heard may well have been true. i did function on coffee, it was usually my [Jane]way or the highway, and I have always been an all or nothing kind of gal, if a job is worth doing, it is worth overdoing...' wry apologetic smiles, predominantly in mine and Tuvok's direction

'but we did also have seven years of laughter and teasing, and even I got to understand which senior crewman would be sent in for an intervention. So many thanks to Tuvok and Chakotay for the major share of remonstrating, arguing and seeing my worst side regularly. B'Elanna for all those timely engineering faults that got me off the command deck and gave the alpha team a much needed breather when I was going stir crazy, and also not calling me out for my self caused persistent replicator failures - sorry Chakotay, but the coffee took all my rations and your dinners were wonderful!' and I pretended to scowl for the laughs, as everyone knows that the dinners were also the highlight of my week.

'Harry and Sam, thankyou for the regular 'interesting things to see' updates, as well as the gossip, suitably anonymised, yes everyone, Harry who blushes at everything told me the most stupendous tales of intimate derring do, inter-department rivalries and 'games challenges', as well as competition for the best illegal still...' Harry stood and took a bow.

'Tom for being outrageous, and well Tom! becoming my younger brother out there, able to get away with comments no one else could with impunity. Every ship needs its lovable rogue. Seven for never, ever following the chain of command, simultaneously driving me crazy and forcing me to see unwelcome truths by the simple expedient of holding up a mirror to my harsher decisions or less than inclusive statements, and the Doctor for showing me that true friendship, and personhood, cannot be easily quantified.'

She took a pause for the crew to cheer the senior teams

'i probably could go on, but mostly, today while we are still us, I want to just celebrate who we are together, and promise that even when I am no longer your captain, my heart, ear and voice are there for you. I know as well as you that settling to a new life holds challenges for everyone, me included, and there may be some turbulence on the way. we still may need second and third chances and I hope that we retain the faith in each other to be able to do that. '

'So, to us! may we find the haven or adventure we require'

We then settled in groups, laughed at our futures, and we are family, our line will hold. Even Seven, comforted by our Captains family has a secured place in the alpha quadrant. As do I and Icheb. B'Ella and Tom are welcomed into the Paris family. Kathryn and I have made sure that all our crew, but perhaps especially those that lost family through divorce or dominion war, our previous maquis, the equinox remnants, are safely gathered in, in groups of friendship, in places of stability and suiting thier skills. Places where they can perhaps set roots if they wish, or remain wanderers. We misfits, renegades and jailbait are all safely gathered in. So much so that apart from the Equinox crew, we will be feted and promoted. They at least have posts and positions and a chance to regain their ranks with good service, and they will be at least feted tomorrow even if not promoted, and the demotion is not public as has been backdated to arrival on Voyager, shortening the time required before they can regain position. Better than they had hoped, far better than the original stance. I sense some Kathryn bargaining.

We were late to leave, it is the last time we are truly all of this team. Tomorrow we will have different presents as well as futures, new loyalties. We will always be of Voyager, but we will serve afresh.

-0-

'kathryn?' I exit our room and see her curled up with a PADD on the couch. 'decaff!' she quickly answers, brows raised and a half smile. 'just checking the details' she waves the PADD at me. i join her, still questioning, she has yet to answer the real question, as she damn well knows. she shrugs 'my last true day as the captain of voyager. Will anything every live up to this, Chakotay. It was my whole life for seven years. I thought it was going to be my whole life forever. my mind and body are still attuned to that rhythm, still expect the red alerts. I still belong there. Sometimes, well sometimes' she admits in a whisper 'i wish we were still out there'.

Drawing her into my arms and dropping a kiss on her head I murmur reassurances.

'kathryn, some things are going to surpass it' and I stroke her belly, where she is nurturing our child . 'And I can't imagine any future with you that isn't full of joy, exploration, adventure and a triumph over adversity' She smiles wryly up at me, not speaking of the challenger that is out there. 'and, we may never have found a way to be us on Voyager, I may have blindly continued my path. The Admiral said we were dragged further and further apart.' we both still to acknowledge what we would have lost 'We did the best years out there and now, we do the best years here. We make our new home, new life, new family together my love'

'but not with them, Chakotay, they will all pledge allegiance to other things, other families, other captains, to the winds of change' she near wails, and I give her this moment. From the comfort and happiness of our present, I allow her, us, to miss the Voyager family past without further allusion to the future we so damn near lived.

Change, always hard, but also needful. Neither of us needs to truly be reminded of how we had become out there, and the future the Admiral was so desperate to change. I understand that already from this position of happiness and safety, she is changing the story of voyager.

'we were wonderful, kathryn, but it is time to look to a new future'

She nods as she relaxes into me, and as if he has been waiting for us to complete this quiet time Icheb joins us for breakfast. He, as always, drops a kiss on her forehead as her eyes crinkle with the smile that belongs to him, and she ruffles his hair. Uncomplicated love and maternal pride. A natural progression of a relationship that perhaps was always meant to be. Maybe the sole benefit of my ill fated dalliance with Seven, who perhaps would otherwise be overseeing his life on Earth, seeking to bind him into a close and sterile collective without the ameliorating shelter of the Janeway family for them both. He is perceptive, more so than his age would suggest, due to Borg experiences, and the double betrayal of family perhaps. He has safe harbour with us, I know our bond will become closer over the years as we work around the whims and caprices of this captivating woman and also within the crazy, maddening yet utterly loving wider Janeway family clan. He, and I, need never fear being lost or alone again. She has certainly proved she leaves no crewman behind, makes no sacrifices other than of herself. In return, she receives not just filial devotion, but due and resolute loyalty.

Croissant in hand, a recent favourite of his, he points to the PADDs in front of her.

'spill it, Mom, what are you cooking up!'

spirits! but Tom Paris has had far too much influence on the speech patterns of our Voyagers. We both roll our eyes. However, the enthusiasm brims over and she is soon waving a PADD whilst passing another to each of us for perusal. As I had thought, the Janeway need to be active has been driving her, she is full of the plans for Voyagers first trip out of refurb, the projects new to us ensigns can consider, wondering if we can travel into the gamma quadrant. A Janeway in spate. I love her, and realise just how often I saw her making plan after plan on Voyager. Now I wonder, did she do this to distract us or her from thinking about the future? Is she doing this again, now our future seems so very big and very close?

Icheb raises his eyebrow, damnit has that Tuvok eyebrow passed to everyone?

Kathryn hits me at the smirk, 'i'm sorry my love, I was just thinking of how many of our senior crew habits have been spread around on Voyager. We all try on your deathstare, and I have seen a lot of your hand on hip, chin tilted up action from the female crewmembers. I am sure the Voyagers drink more coffee as well. And as for the Tuvok/Seven eyebrow, and we both do it and laugh, Tom's distressing use of twentieth century slang and all our engineers penchant for swearing in fluent Klingon... I could continue.'

'and what do we take from you then, Commander?' she challenges, and at least this I can answer with a shout of laughter 'a deeply embedded need to love, cherish and keep safe a maddeningly reckless feisty redhead,' I kiss her again, whilst Icheb grins into a PADD, completely used to our demonstrative nature 'and perhaps a not altogether orthodox starfleet approach to conflict resolution'

'hmmm' is her slightly disapproving response. I know that she has called some of my maquis tendencies 'going feral', even when they have paid off. I also know that she has adopted the tactics herself, so am not unduly worried by the implied criticism.

'hold on!' I rewind the conversation 'the gamma quadrant? there's nothing out there Kathryn?' nothing safe, I think. She mumbles about re-establishing contact, and grins 'maybe it is just about admiring the view whilst we are near!' admiring the view got us into plenty of trouble in the delta quadrant too.

Icheb waves his PADD back at her, 'and after that, the beta quadrant mom?' and from her blush I can see that she has considered it.

'It would be something, to visit all four quadrants and fluidic space and the continuum.' she says excitedly

'we should leave some firsts for others, Kathryn!' I half-heartedly murmur, and as Icheb grins at me, we know that both of us will fight with her to be on that ship. My heart takes a momentary dip. I had hoped that perhaps we could spend our future settled with our family. I have travelled the stars enough. but I love her, her explorer soul. I wonder if all the compromises will be those I have to make. I leave this thought for the future. She has never hidden her passion or dreams for space. I just hope that the dream of me and family might soften the pull.

Icheb is already aiding and abetting. he thinks it would be quite fun to 'do four for four', we will be skirting around the wormhole whilst we spend time at DS9, and a visit through seems nearly inevitable, he talks scientific discovery, using Voyagers improved sensors, a Borg sweep, perhaps putting one of the Borg technology sensors there to send telemetry back. I query this, and Kathryn smiles back, 'a side project of Icheb's as part of his academy training. A bit ... section 42!' and she huffs a laugh.

I bite. 'what is section 42, love?'

'mine' she grins 'it's from what Tom called a 'science fiction novel' . I thought that perhaps I could develop a strand to weave through starfleet where the purpose is to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of people, families. bring starfleet back from the military brink. Enthuse and distract with our new technologicacl advances. All these plans and projects our people are doing, and doing with others, I hope to make a little wave, a drop in the pond so that the ripple spreads and spreads. Section 42, it doesn't really exist. It is my code'

I am less suprised than she might think, I have a tacticians brain 'these projects can all be refitted into adjuncts for war, Kathryn'

She nods seriously. 'but when peaceful promotion, welfare, protection and defence have such a head start, maybe war will be less ... inevitable'

'hmm, then perhaps we should be promoting as many 'section 42' opportunities as we can. Kathryn, we can trust our senior staff to look for these opportunities, to push the development. Kathryn, we should be looking at this as our life's work.' I can see it finally, how I am going to draw together all my aspects and create a spiritual home for us connecting starfleet personnel and opportunities with her vision and drive. 'we already have our unofficial and encrypted voyager comms system, which is partially including the enterprise, mariner and DS9 which we know Harry, Jenny and Megan can enhance for us, and perhaps separate from the Voyager chitchat'

'and with the spread of our Voyagers, as well as new recruits we will have a channel to push out the developments to where they are most peacefully needed first, exploration, interplanetary cooperation' she continues enthusiastically.

Icheb and Kathryn are back into fullblown Janeway planning. Ideas ping between them faster than a velocity puck. I love watching her, love watching them together, a surprising but perfect family ending for Icheb's alpha quadrant arrival. looking at them, I can't imagine him with anyone else. They are so alike in many respects, most noticeable now as they are bouncing ideas across matching cups of coffee. he is sure his Mom's diplomatic skills will mean interaction with Klingon council or Romulus sooner or later, and hence a beta quadrant visit. At the unconscious twitch, I am sure that Kathryn has some prior knowledge regarding at least one of these.

It is a good way to distract her from the upcoming ceremony. I sit there hugging my surprise to my chest. If she wasn't so distracted by Icheb, she would be watching my moves, and see the messages that I m sending out via PADDS last minute assurances and details. Or she would be suspicious of the complete lack of activity on the scuttlebutt.

-0-0-0-

this was supposed to be the final chapter, but this first section just kept talking to me. Also, I didn't want the story to feel abandoned! I hope that I am not 'going Dune' [i loved the first book, and kept reading for the whole series because i loved the first, but with the law of diminishing returns. you know, you just have to find out, but you don't love the sequels in the same way] However, i guess, i also think that I love J/C, I love thinking of them having an actual life relationship, not just that moment of passion as the future becomes finally theirs. One more chapter only, and then I will take a break and decide whether or how to write the next action adventure part. I kinda have the plot line already, and Dune or not, I think i would like to write it!

Chapter 20: Chapter 20 The measure of their dreams

-0-0-0-

Janeway

Heavens but he looks gorgeous in the new dress uniform. A much as I hate wearing the damn things, especially since I had to input a whole new set of measurements for mine with additional uplifting support, I love ogling Chakotay in his. That contrast of white against bronzed skin. Mmmm.

Damnit! but he has caught me staring, and I still can't stop the blush from appearing as he smirks back. Then, in clear defiance of our strict duty time parameters, he takes a long toe to top review of my appearance, with admiring whistle making me blush further.

'Spirits Kathryn, but that uniform is definitely defining you in ways that make me itch to remove it again' and we grin, for the similarity of our thoughts and the fact that we will get that opportunity. I think we are about due a honeymoon... Do you have a honeymoon after a private tribal bonding? Whatever, we deserve an extended shore leave. I cannot help licking my lips at that thought and quirking my eyebrows with a smile at a now growling Chakotay. 'stop being so provocative woman!'

I push that thought firmly out of my mind, though I am sure a further blush betrays me and frogmarch chakotay out into the lounge to join a ready, waiting and very smart, Icheb.

'front and centre for inspection commander, cadet' and Icheb and Chakotay line in best parade style for review 'you'll do' I snap in command tone after making a close inspection, knowing the effect on chakotay. 'time to ship out'

luckilly he bought all the section 42 and voyager talk, which although real, isn't what I had really been accomplishing on the PADD. The rest of today will be too busy to plan further, but I hope that he accepts my subterfuge as a gift. It is a good thing we won't have time to access PADDs further, as he will realise that the scuttlebutt has been uncharacteristically silent.

-0-

We are in the most enormous of the starfleet parade rooms. Apparently interest is overwhelming, not only our crew and their families, but most of available starfleet that we have worked with, the pathfinders, utopia planetia, enterprise, the comms expert teams, the Borg research teams, every single admiral, and the federation president and assorted envoys and ambassadors. I just hope that our families aren't so far back that they need sensors and a screen to find us.

Of course, there is a screen, a huge curving thing behind the stage, allowing everyone a good view. I am pleased to see our voyager families are front and central, with federation dignitaries on one side and serried ranks of admirals to the other. i can't help it, like all my crew I am going to crane my neck to see that I can spot everyone, and ignore the smirk on Chakotay's face.

The smirk turns to a carefully hidden jolt of surprise and then joy as he notices Sekaya and Paka are part of the grouping. I have sneakily pulled a few strings so that Sekaya can attend, as she wished to acknowledge, finally, starfleet and the huge impact it has had on her brother. More surprising, is that she came with our Cardassian and bajoran ambassadors, who have made a federation first with her by sharing cardassian transport to earth. FedNews was full of their arrival together yesterday, and the hopes for peace. the first part of my surprise is delivered. I cannot help grinning widely.

'behave Kathryn! you are a captain, not at kindergarten! our families are sitting right there in the front row. Don't you dare wave!' smirking, I flutter my fingers at them, and am rewarded by a smile and wave from Paka, Katelyn and Paul, our nephews and niece, and a frown from Mom. they are dressed in cute outfits that match, and when I glance at Sam, with Naomi by her side, I can see that this is replicated. curious. I damp down the thought that Chakotay may also have planned a surprise, after all, he had no idea Paka would be present.

'that was caught on the big screen Kathryn, you should be setting a better example' he stage whispers, trying to minimise his lip movements. I am surprised at myself too! But I know he has flashed a dimpled grin at Sekaya, as I saw her smile back at him. We are currently stood all on the raised platform arranged in department and rank order, so senior crew all at the front. Seven, demurely dressed rather than catsuited, with a light blue silk blouse. white jacket and black slacks so to blend with starfleet uniform stands to the front of the science team. Even with pleading, she hasn't yet agreed to be other than a civilian subcontracted currently. Too full of energy to remain in once place, I move along to shake the hand of all my senior team, including Seven, who admits Mom prescribed the clothing, before making it back to my allotted space in time for the arrival of the final dignitaries.

President Zife accompanied by a variety of aides and ambassadors is settled in the small elevated podium to the side of us, clearly to be viewed rather than to view us. Polite applause from the audience. As trained, the whole of the starfleet ranks in the room stand, and then to my mark as senior officer at centre, salute and hold until his nod, perhaps a beat or two longer than I would have anticipated as the usual turgid anthem plays. Damn but I haven't missed this element of starfleet. I am determined to enjoy our Voyager moment, however,

Our Commander in Chief, Bouverie, accompanied by Ross, Nechayev and Paris enter and are treated to the same salute on arrival at their position to the side of our raised platform and I stifle a grin at the uncomfortable trio whilst maintaining my best starfleet parade position. They salute back for absolutely the correct time. I recognise the credit given to Paris though, for his indefatigable support for us and the pathfinder project, allowed this moment. This is the moment when our valiant Voyager crew get their official reward, and official closure on our in retrospect unbeatable wild adventure.

All the lower decks have filed through for promotions of one grade or more dependent on the information provided by myself, Chakotay and section heads over the seven years of crew evaluations. They present in groups of ten, sidewards to auditorium and fellow crewmen as they face the CIC. All receive the award of valour and the extended tour ribbon, all salute where I stand next to Bouverie, offering their names whilst Chakotay provides him appropriate pips and medals. I am proud to salute them back. And if a tear trickles down, I am not going to brush it away. I am so damn proud of them, us, of being here.

The senior crew follows, with additional medals, including the Cochrane medal of excellence for Tom and his Warp 10 flight, for Seven for her Omega containment, although it can't be named. The starfleet surgeons medal goes to our EMH, yet another proof perhaps of his individuality and sentience, and he has a name! Dr Joseph Benaren Zimmerman. Honestly, we would all applaud this, but the ceremony most go as planned. I do nod a minute smile at him. I think they all get four or five each in the end, and I am going to have to check as it is within a haze of congratulations to the new lieutenant commanders Torres-Paris and Kim. I have it on full authority that at least B'Elanna will be a full commander by the end of the first six months.

As the most senior command team, we receive our medals and promotions individually. I am more than happy to present Commander Tuvok, in addition to the numerous general medals, receiving the Medal of Honour and the Grankite Order of Tactics. I am proud of my friend. As well as the traditional salute, he is allowed to offer that we live long and prosper, as I do in return. I am definitely finding it hard to maintain my command mask now. I think my heart is bursting with pride, not just at what we did achieve, but at the recognition that my senior team are receiving. All greater than I could ever have hoped.

Suddenly, this pulls me up sharp. What is to say that this isn't yet another version of the delta quadrant immobilising us with dreams. I surreptitiously tap the back of my hand three times. Nothing, though that may only work for Chakotay. I bite my lower lip, and receive a concerned look from Chakotay, who is now stepping forwards. Damnit, if it is a dream or mirage, now isn't the moment to assess and try and break free. Chin up Janeway.

i have the honour of changing Chakotay's maquis badge to four new shiny pips, pocketing his badge. As I fix them into position, he continues resolutely to look forwards, allowing no impression of noticing my presence. Bouverie attaches the embarrassment of medals to his jacket chest, including the Grankite as for Tuvok, but also the Karagite order of heroism, the medal of honor and the medal of valour. Heaven knows how many additions I will be made to wear. I will get the clusters for the repeats. I hope that I don't look as bedecked and bejewelled as the Ferengi Ambassador.

I am called back to attention as Chakotay salutes me. As with the others, it is supposedly Bouverie he is saluting, but his eyes focus on me as I salute back. I am not sure whether he will stay in Starfleet long term, and I am aware that this current acceptance is part of his devotion to me. I will need to ensure our balance both of us if our relationship is going to survive. But I am proud that starfleet has accepted my judgement of the worth of this man. That regardless of the future, he is acknowledged for the skills he has served.

I expect him to return to the side of Bouverie, but instead Admiral Paris is coming forwards and Bouverie is stepping back. This leaves just Chakotay and I standing centre stage facing each other. His eyes hold mine to him, there is something in them, love, pride and destiny. I only half listen initially to Owen as he says that the admiralty and federation have approved for this single time a break with standard protocol. That there is a question best asked between officers of the same grade not in an active chain of command.

I feel a tingle of excitement and nervousness as I scan Chakotay's eyes. he radiates calmness and love back. Does he know that at least half of me is wanting to run off this stage now. Only pride, and the complete inability to move my legs is holding me here. What has he done! Yes, this is rhetorical, I can only think of one direction that this is going.

Damnit. I am not sure I can ever be engaged again. I lost my last two fiances and I cannot bear to lose this one. Does it count if we are bonded? My mind is scudding about and my intelligence is in freefall. I listen to Owen as a lifeline. Damn. No help there. He is orating that our command structure precluded our romance, and we had set aside our personal happiness to achieve the homecoming of Voyager, remaining colleagues and friends only until such time as we were all safe. there is a cheer. I am not sure that i appreciate Owen being quite so free with privileged information, and I start to scowl.

Actually, my legs feel less stuck than they did, and I lift one to start to take a step back. I am going to run. Of course he stops me. He didn't get that gong for tactics without being able to completely read a situation. I think he knew I was going to run before I did, because as my foot lifts from the floor, its direction undecided he is striding forwards. Striding in front of own to hold me firmly at the upper arms. I am shaking as he bends his head down and whispers imploringly

'Don't run, Kathryn, trust me, trust us.'

He brings his face back so he can capture my eyes again, and there is a general sigh from the auditorium as he sinks to his knees and takes my shaking hand. Damn. Captains don't shake. Captains meet their future head on with bravery. I stand at parade, my limbs now all under my control, and my face a best Captain's impassive mask and Chakotay mouths 'good girl' up at me. I will damn well give him good girl when we are not so much on display. Owen finishes that having returned to Earth, he had agreed to Captain Chakotay's request to officially seek a change in the parameters of the relationship. I take a moment to deliver a death glare to Owen that nearly has him visibly wilting. I do not care if it is caught on the vidscreens.

Chakotay tugs back on my hand and I look down into those liquid brown eyes and prepare to break my word.

'Kathryn Janeway, holder of my trust and loyalty since we met in the gamma quadrant and of my heart even if in secret shortly thereafter...' again a sigh. Damn is that Lwuxana Troi having the vapours. I think it is, I hope Deanna tells her to get a grip. In fact I think very hard at her to have a grip, just in case...

'I have actually followed you to hell and back on more than one occasion, and yet you have given me the peace that always eluded me and the family group, pride and duty that has me reborn to bridge two worlds. It has been an honour beyond measure to serve with you. And yet, despite the honour and joy and pride I found by your side, we have both known that there was something more we had to harshly deny and push away. We did this so firmly that we nearly forgot and lost it. Kathryn, having finally allowed our love to bloom, I know that there is no peace or place for me in this world if it isn't by your side. I love you, and in hope offer you the permanence of my heart, body and soul. Please, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife.

He is still gripping my hand as if he expects me to run and so I rest the other on his shoulder, an affirmation, before gently tugging the captured hand for him to stand. As I look into his eyes, I see that he is not sure of himself, that this has been a gamble despite our private bonding. But I have no intention of running now. I may have sworn never to be engaged again to myself, but there are ways around this.

I let the hand on his shoulder move to rest over his heart, now hidden, covered in new medals. The other I move until we again clasp hands as our promise. Finally, I smile, and I am sure the whole damn crew are sniffling.

'I will marry you Chakotay, indeed I also can't imagine a day without you.' I try to say sternly, as a smile breaks over his face that I mirror back as the applause starts.

'But...' i say firmly and it dies away as i raise the hand that had been resting on his heart and hold it up to signal for quiet 'I am never being engaged again. Now or never Chakotay!'

'Do It!' he dares me in the lilt of his voice and grins back at me. I think that that might be the best use of my line.

Owen coughs loudly, breaking my concentration on Chakotay. 'Well, that is my cue. flower girls, wedding group, come on' and suddenly Icheb is there bringing our niece and nephews up onto the stage to be joined by Naomi, all suddenly holding a bunch of peace roses, and the girls with peace roses in their hair. I look, and Quaestor, my godson has appeared in cadet uniform to pass me a bouquet too, all charming smiles at my frown and a whispered promise to behave.

So it is that Owen marries us, with the simple starfleet ceremony, in front of our families and crew, the president of the federation, most of the admiralty, and with the press vidscreens, I imagine a significant proportion of the alpha quadrant watching. Icheb passes the simple bands that starfleet permits as rings and we are now officially husband and wife. We step closer and Chakotay sweeps me into his arms for a beautiful but gentle kiss. The promise of something more when the whole federation isn't watching. we wheel around and salute our crew, who salute back before turning to the auditorium to repeat this unscripted mark of respect for all the people that have supported us. My hand refinds that of Chakotay, and I know that I will be happy all my days.

Another smile at each other, a gentle press of lips, and Bouverie now coughs and reminds us all that the awards and promotions are not yet complete. I give my bouquet to a giggling Naomi for safekeeping whilst Q Junior escorts our skipping and waving niece and nephews back to their parents. Somehow this next bit feels somewhat anticlimactic. Many have already congratulated me, thinking an admiralty position is all I might ever want, but they are completely out of form. I have loved being a Captain, my home feels in the stars, making that tight bond with crew. If not for the delta quadrant and Voyager, making me a crew that none will ever compare to, but more particularly Chakotay, and my need to make the right kind of compromises for a satisfying life together, I would be out there in the stars. I will return to you.

'Janeway, front and centre' and I take up my formal pose facing the Commander in Chief as he reads out the recommendations and when not classified, their justifications. I have almost a grand sweep of medals by the end. I hope I have more than Kirk. Paris is assisting Bouverie, and he is finding it hard to maintain his command face too, as I can see he just wants to laugh and smile. This is a damn fine end to a great adventure. After the medals are correctly positioned, I am formally promoted to Rear Admiral Janeway. Although I am sure that this would have made my father proud, nothing makes me prouder than getting my ship home. Feeling the love and support welling towards me, I salute Bouverie in front of me, and then turn and salute the admiralty and Federation, and then finally, letting the command mask fall and smiling, my former crew.

-0-0-0-

Chakotay

I knew she was going to run. As Owen started running through his non approved summary of our command relationship, I watched her start to look anxious. Yes, her command mask was intact, but it was something about the tightness of the eyes, the loss of the connection and the firm line of her mouth. I am damned if I am going to let her run after all this time. She was so happy and relieved with the bonding, I could have left it at that but I know that we need to do this properly to help us over the rough to come. We need to be absolutely sure that we have both committed. It worries me that she would run.

As she lifts her foot up, I rush over to her side, to steady her. Is this nervousness, is this related to the past, or is she really not committed to our future. i force calmness as I ask her to trust me, trust us, and from the shaking, I know that this is not a lack of commitment. I catch her eyes and I am sure. She wants this too.

As I sink to my knees before her, the grand flourish to match our grand passion, I am in no doubt of her now and mouth up my reassurance. I nearly laugh at the level 10 glare at Owen, who wraps up pretty quickly. I pour out my heart and my proposal to her as I gaze steadily into her mercurial grey-blue eyes. As her other hand falls onto my shoulders and she bids me stand, I know that all I have ever needed is mine, and by the time she does agree, with an expected proviso of her own, I am no longer sure that my feet are rooted in the ground as I sense both this world and the spirit world joining us together.

As we make our simple promises, joined by the children that are, and the children that are yet to be as well as the ancestors that were. I see my wolf and her lizard slink together and merge before separating out. We are truly joined. The exchange of our rings a symbol not only of our love for each other, but our place in life's circle.

-0-

If i had thought that I would get a moment to... consummate... my marriage or even indulge in any romantic overtures with my wife, I was sadly mistaken. As soon as Kathryn's rise to the admiralty was complete, Bouverie gave a speech on the values of starfleet that we embody, clearly written by the peaceful cooperation and exploration faction. The traditional cheer was made, and the crew and families escorted into the large dining area for champagne and canapes.

Unfortunately as senior crew, we all, including B'Elanna and a squawling Miral desperately needing feeding were shepherded towards the dignitaries and Admirals. Kathryn has not changed. she tapped Bouveries arm and insisted that B'E go somewhere peaceful to feed Miral, at which point he looked horrified and readily accepted.

So my beautiful, vivacious wife of about thirty minutes smiled charmingly at Zife as he tried to manhandle her. Too much delta quadrant first contacts have made her an expert at disentangling over friendly hands without seemingly being aware, and after some graceful smiles she moved to a human woman Governor Bacco who had been keen to catch her eye. I nodded to Rovek acting as the Vulcan Ambassador who took me aside and congratulated me on a successful outcome to our long courtship. I was nearly warming to him, when he introduced me to Ambassador Troi. A very uncomfortable thirty minutes dissection of all she could glean of my romantic history before Deanna and Riker intercepted.

The rest of our senior crew have also been effective in communication with federation ambassadors and admirals, and finally after this privileged meeting, we are also escorted into the champagne reception. There, despite my multiple attempts to drift towards Kathryn, walk directly to Kathryn, tactically move between different admirals in the hope of meeting Kathryn, the politics of the room continue to keep us apart.

A further hour of separation, and I honestly felt that I might explode with the need to at least hold her hand. I smiled, and talked nicely, and every so often our eyes would lock across the crowded room and I found my peace again. Periodically one of the crew or my family would come forward and I would spend precious time with them. Particularly Sekaya, laughing over her surprise visit, and keeping a close eye on Paka. Unfortunately, she cannot stay long, and leaves early with Phoebe and her children. As she left the room it seemed like my last link to calm was severed.

I was abandoned by family and fair game for small talk and political conversation with admirals and ambassadors. Meeting the Legate Dmak, I am pleased that peaceful cooperation appears to be moving fast and we congratulate each other on our new wives. he plans to host us when we travel out on Voyager and escort us to Cardassia. I am sure an image of our talking will be one of those highlighted by FedNews, and it is time for the Maquis to forgive even where we cannot forget.

I am not sure that Kathryn spent any time with friends or family, surrounded by sycophantic admirals riding on her coat tails and greeting dignitaries as if they were the most important people in the room. only I can see the increasing tension in her position, and my glances to her become more sympathetic. I sign whether she needs to be relieved, and at least that garners a smile before she shakes her head. I remind myself we have a month after today to dance to no one's tune but our own.

Finally we are released, but there is less than an hour for Kathryn, last to leave, before we will need to arrive at the homecoming ball. I caught Phoebe, who agreed to help Kathryn get ready as I could sense her concern that the timing was so short. And now, Icheb is escorting Naomi, to her utter delight and has gone in dress uniform to meet with Sam and Gresh. I am just impatiently waiting for Kathryn to come out. I still haven't had any time alone with her.

'we should have eloped' I huff out loud in frustration whilst looking at the images of us infront of the viewscreen.

'hold that thought' a gravel voice husks, and my wife, and just how much am I enjoying those words, sashays out infront of me. And she is beautiful, a blue ombre silk sheath dress with a waterfall like near transparent silk overskirt fixed so that it provides a gentle princess like silhouette, and wrap that drapes around the strapless low backed top . Hair loosely up with a single peace rose just coming out of bud, and my bonding necklace. just beautiful.

'do we have to go' I growl out at her, near desperate to spend time alone, and she laughs as she leads me from the room.

-0-0-0-

Seven

I arrive on Harren's arm timed to be there with the rest of the senior crew bar the command team. They have varying standards of punctuality, however on this occasion they have been suitably efficient. Harren at least was punctual, arriving well in advance in dress uniform with a scarlet orchid for a corsage. it sets off the architectural dress I am wearing, black with a red flashing. Phoebe has approved it, and Harren was at least very positive.

As we wait, talking of the marriage today, I am comfortable with it. I am secure in my worth. I watch them arrive, clearly happy and am able to wish them felicitations in their married state without discord. Their smiles do appear to be infectious, though the doctor quietly and unnecessarily assures me this is a figure of speech. I am very careful not to roll my eyes, though my sister has no such qualms.

Harren and I are both smiling at each other. He has a satisfactory appearance for this date and is more muscularly built than I recall. Tom says that he has been working out, and then when he explains that this isn't a mathematical term I have to remonstrate with my friends that I have built up a repertoire of colloquialisms in the last two years on Voyager, even if I prefer not to use them. Tom and the doctor both look suitably abashed, whilst B'Elanna giggles and Kathryn smiles approvingly. Harren has a slight blush which only deepens when I compliment him on his appealing body structure.

The meal is of suitably acceptable standards, and I am relieved not to be on the same table as the newlyweds as I do find their habit of removing nutritional items from each others plates hygienically unacceptable. The avuncular gaze they receive from their table companions suggests that I may be alone in my distaste. The speeches are disappointingly almost carbon copies of previous speeches and show very little skill or finesse, though the sentiments are appreciated. At least those of Chakotay and Kathryn are short. The cheer that follows is somewhat extended.

I am surprised by the improvement in their formal dancing as Chakotay leads her out for the opening dance, a turn around the dance floor before we join, and then I am happy to give them no more attention as Harren is a most attentive partner. Indeed he dances more than I would have imagined, so I am in the unexpected position of declining to dance with previous partners. I do insist that the Doctor, Joe, partners me. I am unlikely to return his romantic gestures, but I hope to continue a firm platonic friendship.

Not that I am particularly attentive, but Chakotay has also danced most of the ball with Kathryn, only releasing for the Commander in Chief and Admiral Paris. Tom says that they have been heating the dance floor, but since I have not noticed a temperature change, I can only presume this is another pattern of speech relating to interpersonal relationships. I respond that their obvious spark makes their performance combustible and tom declares that I have 'got it'.

Harren steers me into the garden with a glass of champagne for us to share. He apprises me that he is aware that my alcohol and synthehol consumption must be limited for the optimum working of my processors. I appreciate his romantic endeavours. After sharing some sips, I am aware that my lateral stabilising power is less adept, and that my desire to be supported by Harren has increased. So much so that whilst we calculate unlikely journey trajectories between the stars above us, Harren leans in to gently kiss my cheek, and I turn such that the kiss lands on my lips. It is delicate and not unlike the snowflake analogy that Naomi used whilst watching the commander and captain kiss. I turn myself into his arms seeking more of the snowflake kisses.

I am surprised, as my initial partnering of Harren was to be as work colleagues, and I had no thought of a possible romantic encounter. I believe that my algorithms on Voyager were indeed defective as Kathryn suggested in finding an appropriate romantic partner. i lead Harren to a bench and ask him whether he would consider that perhaps we were on a date, and whether this would be acceptable to him. He is positively inclined, and so we continue exploring different holds and gentle kisses. i think this is what Tom would call taking it slow, but it appears to be a mutually acceptable speed.

We are interupted by laughter and clearly Chakotay telling Kathryn that she needs to be quieter if they are to make their escape. I had last seen them dancing slowly in each others arms, and had wrongly assumed that they would be required to stay until the official end. He is right, their crashing sound is only drawing attention to them. He has clearly lost his tactical strengths as he erroneously declares that they are alone at last and draws her into an embrace that is on no level similar to those Harren and I have been sharing. Through their passion something does flare in me as well, and I wonder what a similarly passionate embrace may feel like.

When Chakotay starts an unnecessarily graphic and coarse description of his avowed bedroom plans and prowess although low voiced whisper, my hearing is excellent, I feel honour bound to admit that myself and Harren are within earshot, and suggest that they find somewhere significantly more private to discuss intimate matters. Kathryn laughs and bids us both a good night and I reflect surprise that this doesn't mean brig time for Chakotay. i hear them moving back to accommodation, her laughing and his continued amorous low voiced murmuring. I wonder why I ever thought that I should pairbond with Chakotay.

I am distracted from this thinking by a few more sips of the champagne and a more passionate embrace from Harren. I believe that I might suggest that we have further dates whilst he is on Earth, and maybe meet phoebe and mother. I am no longer naive enough to be looking for a long term partnership. However romantic interludes are acceptable

-0-0-0-

And so there is laughter and joy as with less than stealthy tactics they leave the ball. More laughter shortly as he insists on carrying her through the apartment entrance, an old custom that Tom insisted he should know, that was essential to the happiness of married life. Momentarily they were disconcerted that the apartment was awash with peace roses, and newly lit candles in the bedroom that he hurriedly carried her straight to. his speed accelerating with the commentary she gave him as to which of his amorous suggestions he could initiate.

she murmured that the dress was too expensive for impatience, so he tried her patience by removing it oh so slowly whilst kissing her creamy white shoulders and making a delicate tracery over her curves and freckles. She made rather brisker work of divesting him of his formal wear. After all, she had been looking forwards to its removal *all* day. And indeed, patience is not one of her virtues.

Finally they came together in Love, gentle and deliberate such that this first loving as husband and wife might be something exquisite that they would hold in their memory to treasure, and a multifaceted jeweled light for times of darkness and sorrow.

Afterwards, in the tiredness that comes following such an experience they held each other closely and whispered of dreams for the now arrived future. A home to raise one or more children, making time for each other, a garden of roses and tomatoes to defend from the dogs that were inevitable. Holding related and Voyager family close. As they slipped into slumber they repeated their love and thankfulness they had been granted the measure of their dreams.

-0-0-0-

I hope you enjoyed that, as I bring this part of their story to a close. I had expected this fic to be shorter! Thankyou for a year in this community. I have written the best part of 300,000 words in 19 stories, read countless more of which I favourited a small selection of 160+ and left more than 300 reviews. I hope to return at some point and start writing my next adventure story, but need to get more of it written before I start posting to make sure that it works. Thankyou for all that comment.