Archive of Our Own

Title: Playing with holofire
Category: TV Shows » StarTrek: Voyager
Author: TrekDr
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Romance/Humor
Published: 06-06-17, Updated: 06-22-18
Chapters: 11, Words: 21,613

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

She had got all her favourite holoprogrammes copied before she left Voyager. Some she had plans for, Sandrines, Neelix luau, the Lake George, her New Earth. Leonardo's workshop. A variety of climbing and skiing programmes. The Bat'leth training programme she ran with B'Elanna, as well as 'their' cocktail bar.

She had also kept a copy of Tuvok's mutiny programme. Over the last four years she had rewritten parts, particularly a vareity of endings. The Seska subroutines were all safely removed. There was an option to travel with the Captain and help her retake the ship. For the key personel, Tuvok had added some of their personal subroutines. with information gleaned from private as well as starfleet logs. on Voyager, varying the log access date had made a huge difference to the outcome of the mutiny. Indeed, once she had moved beyond the abortive attempt to make alliance with the Trabe against the Kazon, in that difficult second year, the mutiny would no longer fly. Even if Chakotay was left unadjusted, none of the others would follow, barring Seska. In fact, it seems that mutiny was only ever a temporary possibility around the time of Bendera's death once the initial integration had taken place. Perhaps if Chakotay had pushed, there may have been a chance initially. Certainly by the time Tuvok stopped writing the programme in that first year, when he was training Chell and the others, the likelihood of mutiny was remote. She had to pause that thought to smile at the recollection of Tuvok racing around Voyager with his reluctant 'cadets'.

However, by taking some of logs from the more 'angry' months for the key personnel, for example B'Elanna after the hirogen and loss of the maquis with deleting out their personal friendship but leaving in the love story with Tom, Chakotay adding the equinox, the damage of Kashyk and the angst filled Jaffen and the anguished logs from her time with the Borg, overlaying the loss of bendera and the failed alliance it plays well and realistically. It is an almighty scrap, with some of her key staff fighting tooth and nail for her, and also some of Chakotay's. Ayala is hers really from the start, and she realises she always knew this. Baytart, however, is Chakotay's. She knows she must never let this programme be seen by the admiralty. In fact, she really should delete it.

However, playing it, substituting for the real Kathryn Janeway, or being enough Kathryn that the holo-chakotay responds to her had been a dangerous pleasure in the last year on Voyager. Oh, she still never crossed the boundaries. She had learnt that lesson far too well on the 'Irish Chakotay' she had programmed. But as he was withdrawing from her, and the crevasses in their friendship were becoming uncrossable, it gave her comfort. Here, even programmed to be as angry and hostile to her as his logs would allow, he still loved her, he still could barely bring himself to mutiny. In fact, it was only achievable by adding data to manipulate his conflicted loyalty, an encrypted promise from myself to the admiralty that the maquis would be handed over to Cardassia. Following the holo-story to the end, he realises that this is fabricated by Seska. I can't even let a holo-Chakotay believe I would betray him and my crew to that extent.

Yes, she should delete this programme, it is far too explosive if anyone else saw it.

As she sits there, a smile breaks out as she remembers the explosive passion shimmering between them in the programme. Looking at the holo-chakotay and holo-Kathryn, she can feel the sparks, and has no doubts over why the senior crew ran a book. She factored in some more pre-mutiny interaction between them, ostensibly to allow the ability to go with the Captain and set that story. She watched her hand touch his chest, and the reaction of both. Idly she muses that this could all be written as a holo adventure and romance series. requited through tom and lanna, or the unrequited until the epilogue of her own story. She grins, it seems unbelievable, even to her.

Maybe she should play this one more time.

-0-0-0-

He looks through the list of holo-programmes available to him and to download before Voyager holodecks are wiped. Everyone has their own allotted time to lay claim to loved programmes, and download a copy of the public programmes. He is the last. Mostly because he finally wants to find out what that gibe about holoprogrammes is with Seven.

When he finds it, he feels sick. Sick and angry. He tries to rationalise Seven's behaviour, and nearly succeeds. She needed to practise relationships, for siprits sake she broke an arm before! But she clearly had to alter his programme significantly to get him to date her. He feels physically sick at his lapdog sweetness, and more sick when he remembers their actual dates. Damn, but he was so foolish, lost. When her realises Seven must have read and plundered a fair number of his personal logs relating to Kathryn, and then swapped the names, he becomes angry all over again. He remembered the log he wrote about Kathryn cooking an imaginary successful dinner. It had made him smile, as the original was a burnt offering. Though at least vegetarian! He remembered Kathryn talking about her wish to play the piano, and he must have written it into a log. He doesn't keep the programme, but deletes it. It takes a while for him to rationalise it and forgive Seven. It will take him quite a lot longer to forgive himself for the Seven fiasco, and this is an additional pointer to his stupidity. He then needs to deal with his anger with Kathryn. He will probably need to talk to her about it. He can understand that she managed and forgave Seven, though clearly found it difficult. However, she should have been called on her dereliction of duty and her near holo addiction. But he should have told her, so that he could avoid the following entanglement. Even as he thinks this, he knows it to be unfair. She was right not to tell him. She hid it with all her strongest codes, unfortunately for her he had cracked them all within the first year. He grimaces. It is deleted.

He looks at his list, tempted to delete them all in his temporary anger with all things hologram. Disgust with holo moves his mind onto a love rival that he sickeningly encouraged. He uses Kathryn's codes to see her downloads, and is very relieved not to see fair haven in there. A quick look down her short list, and he grins at Tuvok's programme, he is pleased it still exists, even if he can never see the mutiny happening. He pushed her hard on occasion, particularly around the Kazon, his actions around the Borg when they picked up Seven were a direct contravention of her orders, but he was acting captain then. he didn't mutiny even at equinox. He isn't going to consider Teero anymore. He looks further at the list, he sees sandrines, neelix's beach programmes and smiles, he needn't download those then. He recognises many on the list. There is one though, and he cannot help but open it. Spread before him is New Earth. not as they left it. It has a log cabin extension to the housing module , a vegetable garden and a boat by the river. He can hear the sound of carpentry, and cannot help but look and then laugh. It is himself, shirt off, sweating as he is busy building something. He closes and leaves Kathryn's list. He isn't angry that she has his hologram here, as he would have to censor himself.

He opens up his new earth program. There are many similarities with Kathryn's, but he has built a lodge more similar to his people. Kathryn will be in the module, it is her laboratory and office. He also carves here, things for her, their lodge is full of carved items, he has worked out his love for her here. Did he cross that line? Ah, so very nearly, but no. Was he tempted? So much so that he had to stop using the programme, or delete the other character the moment it opened. He is sure that Kathryn did not cross that line either. Neither of them could have hidden that in their interactions. He smiles as he freezes the programme, and takes one final look before closing.

In the end, he downloads his new Earth programme, his boxing programme and leaves it there. He has never been a solitary user of holoprogrammes. He came to close to misuse as a lonely cadet. It cuts you off from reality if you escape too often.

-0-0-0-

He looks at the list, and the holodeck doors open, he doesn't even need to turn and smile.

'All done?' she asks. he can hear a slight note of worry in her voice.

'I looked' he says, obliquely, to the room.

As he turns, he sees a hint of a blush and a stance of defensiveness. He shrugs. 'it was your call, but I wish you had told me'

At this she grins, and looks relieved 'If I had the power of foresight I would have. I tore strips off the doctor, and banned Seven from holodeck use unsupervised. I should have extracted a promise that she would leave you alone! I was so jealous. It clouded my judgement' She pouts and looks at him from the corner of her eyes with a flutter. He shouts a laugh. She is terrible, as soon as she knew he had forgiven her she is flirting again.

He swoops her into a passionate kiss. 'you are only just forgiven' and she huffs a laugh even then.

'we could' she says breathlessly pushing him away for the moment 'make this rather more... comfortable. After all, no one else is up here?'

'since you put it that way, it would be churlish not to, did you have something in mind Kathryn?' And he can tell from her smile that she absolutely does.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2 - mutiny, try 1

They meet up outside the holodeck at starfleet headquarters. She is in science blue, old style, and he has on security gold.

'debrief go smoothly?' she asks professionally as she keys in her access. 'mmm' he murmurs noncommittally. the debrief was, as always, uncomfortable. A mixture of smiling sympathy from people that have no idea, and barely concealed distaste for his tainted maquis past. The subject was interesting and uncontroversial, the Voth.

She puts the programme in, it is now entitled KJ training programme 1, and it is written so that there can be no download or local recording. A nifty little trick she picked up a while ago.

'what about your day?' he says, in an off hand fashion. Desultory conversation as he is fascinated to see which of her programmes she is going to share with him,and keen not to betray his excitement. 'hmm?' she says distractedly 'oh, braxton' she answers, with an airy wave of her hand, dismissing both the subject and the anger that usually follows. She is not to be redirected, as throughout the day she has felt the coil of anticipation tightening in her belly regarding their shared holodeck time.

Niceties done, and programme entered she turns to look at him properly.

'mmm mmmm' she says, eyeing him appreciatively, a half grin sneaking across her face. 'Nice look ensign' and she pats his backside proprietorially as the holodeck doors open for good measure, leaving her hand cupping him for perhaps slightly longer than she should.

He has an answering grin for her even as he rolls his eyes 'the blue matches your eyes, crewman.' and, leering, he pushes her against the corridor wall of the starship that is now created on the holodeck. A starship that they both know intimately. Even being in a holodeck version gives him a sense of rightness. The doors switch shut. 'engage privacy lock' he orders as he moves himself slowly to press against her, pushing her against the bulkhead and inhaling her scent.

'ensign?' she rasps, raising her eyebrow at his temerity. he powers up his dimples 'crewman?' as he dares her to wriggle away. She might do, just to show that she can, not because she wants to.

He traps her with a hand on the bulkhead either side of her head. it is clear that he isn't going to take this training programme very seriously, if they get to start it at all. At least not on this occasion. He has only just started to tease her, bringing his head down close, and moving his lips from the hollow of her neck on one side around to the hollow of the other, barely touching, mostly breathing, stretching out the anticipation. He has always enjoyed the tautness of time prior to the explosion of passion, the rising tension preceding conflagration.

She huffs a laugh. Honestly, but she thought they would get a little further in this programme before being overcome by temptation. The turbolift perhaps, or the bridge... she lets the thought die away from her as she rolls her hips against him whilst stretching her neck to enable better access for his questing lips. One hand rests where it belongs, on his heart, whilst the other ruffles through his hair. Dammit, but it is wonderful to finally enjoy this long frrustrated love. It still feels seductively forbidden in this venue.

Both are distracted enough by their rising physical need to be surprised when the hologram Chakotay, stalking down the corridor, roughly pulls him away. 'not on duty ensign, follow me' the command is snapped out as the commander strides towards the turbolift. He raises an eyebrow at her, and they both follow. She has to increase to a trot to keep up. obviously, he has no such difficulty, and walks stride for stride with the commander.

As they join the rigid commander in the turbolift, she swings in front of him, so that the commander is looking directly at her. He can't believe that she is standing so boldly there in command pose, hands balled on hips and chin jutting. Certainly she is undermining the commander, from her pose, from her direct eye contact, she is daring him. As h-chakotay runs through the lines of fomenting rebellion, she turns to gazing limpidly at the commander, and moves slowly, imperceptibly, into his personal space, causing him to stumble in the delivery. She smiles seductively up at him as he stutters to complete the monologue.

He snorts as he realises that the h-Chakotay's original parameters have been at least slightly corrupted since Tuvok wrote the programme, and it includes his ability to nearly recognise her when she interacts. Enough to alter his standard responses, to be unable to deny the pull between them. He absolutely recognises that bewildering gravimetric pull that is affecting the hologram, insidiously altering his judgement around her. Spirits, but he is so glad that he no longer has to hold himself apart. Loving her so totally, yet so constrained had been too hard for his exuberant heart.

The commander certainly responds true to his form when she steps close and presses her hand on his chest, obvious in his physical response. Smiling at him, She has h-Chakotay's full attention, he hardly pays any attention to the security ensign that is his double and is leaning against the turbolift smirking at her. Spirits, but the ensign loves this woman, and seeing her flirting subtly with a hologram of himself is oddly and compellingly erotic. He realises that they are truly going to complete very little of this mission, and he has always had a few ideas when they have taken a turbolift together that perhaps he should take a tactical position now. She is leaning in close and whispering in the commanders ear. He notices the commander raise his hand to hold her arm before turning with surprising speed and punching him.

My God! but even with the safety on that was one hell of a punch out of nowhere! And, to rub salt in the wound, she is laughing!

'computer, freeze programme' he bites out before the second punch lands. 'Kathryn!' he growls at her, as she struggles to bite back another giggle and school her face into a sympathetic mask. She fails, and comes to him and lands a chaste kiss on the just punched jaw. ' I hate being ignored', she purrs, whilst stroking the security ensign on that jaw, letting a half smile appear and looking at him with dancing eyes. He growls her name again. 'I wasn't ignoring you, dammit Kathryn! I never do'

'I thought it would be better to focus you both on me' and she actually smirks at him, before interposing herself between the two versions of Chakotay and places a hand to stroke both of their faces. 'i hadn't expected him to be quite so... protective' she waves her hand airily. His hand, he notices with annoyance. He glares at his younger, trimmer alter ego.

'delete holographic personae' chakotay bites out, and swings her briskly back against the turbolift wall. 'now, where were we?' as he brings his lips firmly and possessively down upon hers.

Chapter 3: Chapter 3 - double bat'leth date

'You know you are not supposed to be just watching for when you can see my ass, p'tak. You are supposed to be wielding your bat'leth and fighting with us. BiHnuch!' I growl menacingly at Chakotay. I am too busy fighting the Klingon in front of me to look around, but if I did, I am sure that I would catch him smirking.

I knew I was in trouble when Chakotay watched me dress. no, watched is too passive a term. He devoured me as I got dressed. The leather corset bodice, clearly maximising my assets with that stiffened cup and cut out cleavage area was a definite item of interest. Highlighted further by the collar/shoulder protector. I can't bear the fur sleeves, so mine is adapted with supple leather there, but finishing in the glorious Klingon gloves. the leather skirt on the bodice just covers the aforementioned ass, and the ensemble is finished with skin tight leather trousers and don't mess with me boots. Oh and nice belt with enormous buckle.

'Spirits Kathryn, but you have been wearing this to train with B'Elanna? on voyager?' he is salivating at the thought, and I can see that this outfit is clearly ticking a box somewhere.

'Sometimes, but mostly no. chakotay, you have already seen what I usually wore, the maquis leather outfit' gah! but I have given it away! he advances slowly ' maquis leathers? Kathryn!' i shrug, 'for the mutiny programme'. 'hmm' and he is laughing. 'why did I never get to be with you on the holodeck in *these* programmes' as he bends down, grabs my ass and pulls me towards him.

Breaking free from the passionate kiss that threatened to derail sharing holodeck time with B'Elanna and Tom, I stamp my foot, hand on hip, raise my eyebrow and ask him why he thinks we didn't share the holo-programme. 'fair comment' he leers. Damn but he is handsome in his maquis leathers, having declined to go Klingon. hmmm, very handsome. from his widening smirk, I am sure he knows what I have been thinking too. I have a cloak to take me to and from the holosuite.

So far, the whole programme has been played with 'Lanna and I knocking seven bells out of a variety of Klingon warriors, to the encouragement, wolf whistles and salacious ribaldry which is Tom and Chakotay's only interaction with the programme. The last comment, about the desire to bite my ass instead of my face as an addition to the Klingon programme makes me see red. It's not as if we are 'performing' for their delectation. This is damned well supposed to be an exercise programme, OK maybe a slightly horny one from their perspective. It is supposed to de-stress me, not make me angry.

'Chakotay' i grind out 'are you actually going to do *any* bat'leth training', as the next Klingon falls at my hand. 'As far as I can see, 'Lanna and I have been the predominant warriorsh and I certainly will not take as a mate any BiHnuch! and if you think that you are going to get a chance to bite me, you will have to fight for that honour!'. damned p'tak. Not helped by hearing a snort of laughter from both men. 'Lanna sends her own stream of pure Klingon invective back to the watchers.

'c'mon baby, you know I can't even begin to do the things with a bat'leth you can honey. I'm here to worship you sweetheart' humph, Tom could talk the birds out of the trees. I roll my eyes, and 'lanna grins back at me.

As the next Klingon comes up against me, I can feel that i am starting to tire. I will make this my last fight. Being thrown around a cave is hard on the muscles and I am becoming soft in the alpha quadrant. As I leap back up to my feet, my maquis warrior comes between me and my opponent 'my fight now, Kathryn' and I move to the edge of the arena as a non-combatant to stand next to Tom.

'Lanna is still expertly wielding her bat'leth, winning fight after fight, and not wasting any time requesting Tom not to watch her. It is clear that that is what his role is. Watching. I prefer to have Chakotay fighting by my side. Just so predictable. As I catch my breath, I watch how skilled he is, and how strong. Deceptive in his starfleet uniform. Emasculated compared to the prideful stance in his maquis clothes. 'i hope' he pants out 'that you *are* admiring my ass, Kathryn' I just wiggle my eyebrows at a leering Tom. I am admiring his ass, his shoulders, the smoothness of his movements. I am certainly having a Klingon moment!

The programme clearly recognises his skill, because after two fairly swift victories, two opponents appear for Chakotay. 'this is my cue' i holler and join him, waggling my ass saucily for Tom, before I get fighting. Damn but Chakotay is some orders of magnitude better as a fighter with a Bat'leth as I am seriously working hard just to not lose, rather than to win. He takes several more down before I finally finish this one. 'enough! i say, waving my hand, the house of - whatever house are we again 'lanna? - has fought enough today.' these ceremonial words, even incorrectly spoken close down the flux of incoming klingon warriors, and I bend over catching my breath, as does 'lanna.

Chakotay drags me up and pulls off my right glove. 'i think there is part of this ritual still to do, I hope you agree that i have earnt the right' and there is a devilish glint in his eye as he sniffs my right hand 'to bite you wherever I choose'. two can play at this Chakotay. Licking my lips slowly first and taking a good inhale of his masculine scent whilst half lidding my eyes, i then slowly remove his right glove with my teeth. baring them at him as he growls back before sniffing his right hand too.

'hey, old man' shouts 'Lanna, 'i don't think this ceremony is for you. you don't have the sense of smell for it.'

'I don't know baby, it certainly has the Klingon hots behind it'

'ptak' she growls before laughing

Chakotay doesn't take his eyes from mine as he growls back possessively 'i can make promises to my woman in whatever way pleases us' his eyes are hypnotic, our right hands grip each other as we pull closer together. Suddenly I playbite his jaw, and that is it. i laugh as he grins and pushes me against one of the rocks. I am mesmerised by the rampant lust in his eyes as he growls my name and reciprocates the move. I barely hear 'Lanna and Tom making their own laughing exit from the holodeck, teasing about not wanting to watch the parents. I do shout 'good riddance' as they leave though and immerse myself completely in the kiss.

Our relationship is new, but there is no doubt that Chakotay is heaven's own idea of a perfect kisser, from the delicate drops of kisses that he can gently pepper my face and hair with, like snowflakes on christmas day, to the all consuming fires of passion with which he can demand total submission and all the variants of love, passion, gentle adoration and mutual exploration in the middle. I spent hours on voyage tracing the shape of his lips in my mind, imagining their softness, their feel against mine. I have seven years of kiss fantasies to explore. This kiss though, is a Klingon warriors kiss. it takes no prisoners and demands an equal response.

So engrossed are we by the fire of desire that I am surprised when the holodeck announces our time is over, and the rock supporting me dematerialises. Quick reflexes save us from a nasty fall. Laughing, we pick up our discarded Klingon paraphernalia, adjust our clothing, and cover the significantly ruffled me with my cloak, i have no idea when Chakotay released one breast from the bodice, but i am damned if i can get it back in without undressing. I give him a mock frown to his unabashed grin.

luckily we pass no one on the race back to our quarters, and a note from Icheb announces he is staying late at the Academy. I drag a hardly unwilling Chakotay into our bedroom. We have a ritual to complete, and I do like to finish what I start. I hope not to break a clavicle.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4 - boxing away the tension

She is punching away at the practice bag. Just as I have taught her, jab, jab right hook, jab jab left hook. her dancing skills means that she is light on her feet, and moves properly. I can just make out that there is a running monologue as she is moving. I pick out some words 'bastard' being the most common. Hmm, well I hope that isn't me she is referring to. Usually, when she swears, she uses Klingon, as if that makes it any better.

I am early. It has been a difficult debrief today. my debrief, like everyone's I guess, has themes. Today's theme was risk taking behaviours. or perhaps, when is reckless behaviour justified. It will have been the same theme for all of us. The areas up for discussion were first rescuing of ship personnel. Myself from the Kazon, Tom and Harry from the prison with the damned chute, tuvok and B'Lanna from the Mokra , Seven, well multiple times . The protocols for safety, whether the Captain should be leading, or even on rescue missions, whether unnecessary risk was taken, clearly Seven and I should have been abandoned by their standards. The, of course, the risky behaviours for getting out of trouble, flying between binary stars, the quantum slipstream drive. oh yes, reckless, reckless, reckless, but damn successful. Bu we didn't discuss the equinox, the truly reckless behaviour there.

I creep a bit closer, the gloves are still flying, and sweat is starting to soak the command red sports t she wears. 'maverick, I will damned well give them maverick... not set foot on a spaceship let alone commanded one for centuries... miserable p'tak...' oh yes, this is the stubborn Janeway mode.

i must have made a noise as she swings around, a look of fierce determination on her face. Her whole body stance shows her deep frustration. ' I don't know what cause you have to stand their smirking' she snaps. I put my hands up in a gesture of peace and walk towards her. 'Is the fighting helping? I query. 'How much did it ever damn well help you?' I struggle to contain my smirk. I order pads from the holodeck. 'C'mon Kathryn, let's make it a bit more real. She is on me like a street brawler and I have a hard job blocking her moves until she breaks off and raises her gloves. 'Enough! We need to find something different'.

I unlace and remove her gloves and then slowly unwind her bandages and kiss each swollen finger. 'oh kathryn' I murmur. I kiss her palm and then her wrists, slowly and lightly. She doesn't pull away. Looking up, I can see her frustration and anger is transmuted into sadness. 'Lets go home love, run a bath, let me massage those knots from your shoulder. We're done here.' I get my first smile at the word bath and her shoulders start to relax.

'Lets go home then'

Chapter 5: Chapter 5 - starfleet vs maquis

I am only here because I was born with the type of inquiring mind that often gets me into trouble.

this time, this time the trouble I am facing is all mine. This time I just need to know, just need to find out whether it would have worked. It is a nagging itch I need to scratch, and I know the right man to scratch it with. It is curiosity and it might damn well kill this Kat. I snort at my own joke but damp it down quickly, I don't want to be seen, don't want to be caught.

I have run this programme before. I know the lines and how to deliver them. I exit the turbolift walking confidently to chakotay, smiling confidently and following the script, hoping that I won't be discovered as not photonic until later in the game. Hmmm, I can only see one Chakotay, standing tall and proud in our old uniform and no additional potential maquis rebel. Is he playing as I am? A direct swap in. I try to study the Chakotay in front without being too obvious. My adversary postures and frowns, as expected. They are preparing to break something precious, spurred by seduction and damningly prepared evidence. Prepare to have your heart broken, captain! However, I am going to see if I can prevail.

I need a win, especially after the somewhat dragging migraine inducing senior team group debriefing today around the hirogen, all the events, including the giving of holo-technology, and how that absolutely spectacularly backfired. Dammit, how was I to know it would engender a race of sentient holograms. And yes, damnit again, that is the reason for the blasted prime directive. It was, however, ... moderately interesting... oh well, very interesting to see the holoimages captured from that time displayed. It certainly made the holier than thou admirals pale at the multiple traumas and deaths we were all subjected too, and gave them an adequate reason to believe my judgement was affected by the desperate state of the crew. it wasn't the case, of course, I thought I could help the hirogen, I was sold on their chance for evolution, away from the hunt and prey mentality. Instead, I have probably made them damn well extinct. I did make a damn fine Klingon warrior, B'elanna gave me an audible Qapla, and surreptitiously Chakotay had nudged me under the table, making me blush, considering our last batleth training exercise together. Nothing like B'atleth training to get us a bit steamy. I'm rather fond of the ... honesty... of klingon culture. He also messaged that he wished we had had more time together in the world war 2 scenario, he enjoyed the maquis Katrine. I rather liked the look of Chakotay in armour astride a horse, even if he was on the losing side at the battle of Azincourt, he made a very dashing french nobleman... Back to the task in hand and a rather quizzical looking Chakotay. Get a grip Janeway! we are here to block out the day.

I deliver my rather dull lines about the Rekani trade visit, and using a shuttle that Paris already has ready to go. I reluctantly allow Chakotay to add Ayala as a security detail, having declined Tuvok 'after all, commander, this is the first time i have left you in the hot seat' and I make sure i give him my most playful grin, and he cannot help a dimple back, quickly hidden. Not quickly enough for Seska, whose eyes follow me full of hate, I add an extra swagger to my walk to where Tuvok stands, knowing Chakotay follows behind. let him have a good look at me, black hearted traitor. Tuvok delivers his pre-programmed lines, again confirming why he must stay, whilst i smile without a care in the world, perhaps a slightly wider smile at the Tuvok put down about chakotay's inexperience, peeping up at chakotay to see his face impassive and professional. Now it doesn't constantly irritate me, I enjoy remembering the alpha male contest the two not so subtly engaged in, in the early years.

the addition of Ayala is unexpected though and not scripted. i wonder why. Damn Chakotay, he has probably worked out an improved plan with his tactical teaching skills, seeking to get one ahead. Is he so sure of Ayala? 'With me, then, Ayala? you will have your work cut out for you, I *am* trouble!' with a huge grin, rolling eyes and wiggle of my eyebrows for the full effect, and he clearly can't decide whether to grin or maintain his dour stance. Chakotay might think that by adding Ayala he is stopping me, but I know that Ayala is as likely mine, he wants to see his family again and he relishes the security of starfleet. He was never comfortable with the varying morals within the maquis, and by the time Seska shows her full colours, he will be backing away. For play I raise my eyebrows and quirk a half smile, demanding as I lean in close to chakotay noticing his breath hitch, but both chakotay and h-chakotay have that response 'do you really think I am so defenceless?'. Tuvok intones that a captain on an away mission requires two escorts. Shrugging, I give in, it is inconsequential. As I walk past Chakotay I know. I knew before, but the radar is certain. The wicked twinkle in his eye as he catches mine lets me know I am busted too. Game on!

As we head to the shuttle bays I talk with every crew member I pass, and also commented a call to b'elanna to ensure I have all what she needs on the list. She sounds edgy, either she knows the score, or she is frustrated that I am checking on her, or just being Klingon. I make a self deprecating comment along the lines of how many damn times straightforwards trade missions turn sour here in the Delta quadrant. At least she gives a shout of laughter at that. Allows me chance to promise to try and get supplies that need minimal processing and then , as if as a whim, ask if she wants to send anyone to join the party since there's room, and am surprised when she suggests Seska. Clearly not as surprised as Seska is! B'elanna capitulates and says she will but her faith in me, and I sign off. We have reached the shuttle.

Ayala adds some additional hand held weaponry to the shuttle manifest 'just to make sure, Captain' he says all very seriously, but I have seen another side of Ayala, one where we laugh and joke. though i cannot underestimate his complete loyalty to friendship with Chakotay, he is most definitely not keen on Seska, nor will he be an advocate of force against those that have become friends. So we set out. I've never been on this part of the simulation, so I can relax. I laugh with Tom and draw mike in, asking about family, our least favourite Neelix concoctions. I get Ayala to talk through his weapons training and before I know I am agreeing to a velocity match on the holodeck and Tom is planning on taking bets. He is so easy to talk to. as we arrive on the planet I realise that I haven't done anything specific to think about the upcoming mutiny. Damn! Chakotay probably planned this! Mike was here as a distraction, he knows my weakness is interaction! He has had all that time to take my ship!

The negotiation chapter doesn't occur, and instead we are congratulating each other on an amicable trade deal and returning to the shuttle. Tom laughs as he pilots, joking that with all the dilithium I can have all the coffee in the world. I snort and pat his shoulder. 'you know, Tom, I think that we are going to make it.' i grin at Ayala. 'After a coffee infusion, there is no chance you can beat me at Velocity' and he laughs at me and asks me why Chakotay had him as second. 'nothing gets past me' 'I love a confidence in an adversary' I twinkle at him, 'makes them more likely to make mistakes' we make a date for later. It is just so easy to forget this is a holoprogram, and instead imagine Tom and Mike with me. No wonder holo-addiction exists.

I get messages from Carey, warning me of the mutiny and that he and Vorik have temporarily disabled the warp drive, and that B'Elanna, Seska and Chakotay are struggling to fix it. He isn't sure how hard B'elanna is trying though, which surprises him, though there has been a lot of Klingon swearing. He also thinks Seska is not so happy with Chakotay either, so the mutiny might be about to blow apart. i ask him to be careful, I am about to return and we will need to be quick and clever about retaking the ship. He thinks Seska, jonas, Dalby and Gerron are the main protagonists with Chakotay, oh and Neelix. The others follow out of loyalty, but there have been many spontaneous episodes of kindness to those currently in the brig, awaiting that M class planet. If we can detain those five, excluding Neelix, then the balance will be back to us.

the joking is swiftly at an end as voyager comes on screen. OMG, can I just take a second to drool at the maquis warrior I am faced with. My face impassive as he calls me Kathryn, definitively insolent and emphasising the loss of status from the insurrection. When I make a comment on the change of uniform, I am sure there is a smirk in his voice. Damn him again, trying to put me off my stride. Chakotay is clear that he wants to avoid unnecessary bloodshed and we have a debate whilst my hands fly over the science station, using my command codes i can disable the shields so that with one shot they will fail, but not weapons. I also put a back door command in the brig to help release Tuvok and Kim. I can see Seska on screen, desperate to make that shot. Hang on a minute there! i tell him he is threatening the wrong woman, after all, I'm not letting him just have my ship on a plate. oh no! When it's clear that they are going to fire on us, I can see Ayala's horrified face. i beg Chakotay to stop, I might not be going to give in, but I wouldn't wish others to be caught in the cross fire. A deviation from the original again. I shake hands and tell Ayala it has been an honour, and ask him pass on a message to Chakotay ' i hope he can keep our crew safe, that although my personal trust and faith in him was misplaced, that I hope that I can rely on him for what really matters, the crew' and transport him to the bridge, hopefully to confront chakotay. Turning to tom, i ask that he tries to help our people, 'start with releasing those in the brig' and transport quickly to an amouries locker. A few sneaky adjustments, including hiding me from sensors, and I can follow too, non lethal phaser in hand and some hyposprays in a shoulder bag. Just in time, I see the shuttle start to explode around me as I dematerialise.

i materialise, as anticipated, in the head attached to my ready room, just in time to hear chakotay shouting to someone 'dammit, she trusted me and we shot her. you shot her, seska, what the hell for!' and the sly voice of seska replying 'she was playing you, have you checked she didnt make it' and a despondant affirmative from chakotay. 'Hell, chakotay, I am beginning to doubt your commitment here!' He angrily orders Seska to the brig, as an intruder was noted in that area, presumably Tom. 'and send Mike here, when you find him Seska, I want to question him a bit more' my comm badge was left on the shuttle, so I can't warn Rom or Mike, I will need to 'borrow' one. 'damn you kathryn' i hear chakotay mutter, 'this is supposed to be fun, and watching you get blow apart *yet again* is not'. then 'why is this damn programme still running?' I can just see him from the slightly opened head door.

Although I am tempted to keep playing the game, going for the win, seeing him ruffle his hair, looking rueful is too much for me. well, that and those sexy as hell leathers he is wearing. Some things are more important than winning a challenge. 'freeze programme' i whisper and then i slink out from the head, attempting to sneak up. 'you know I have known you were there from the moment you beamed in, don't you, kathryn?' p'tak! here i was feeling sorry for him! i finish my sneak attack by placing my fingers over his eyes and kissing the back of his neck. 'I could have phasered you, sweetheart, but you are far too adorable in those leathers...'

He turns round to me and sweeps me into the gentlest and yet most seductive kiss. This is the gentle pressing of lips, the sigh of unity as we reconnect, the butterfly wings of light touch as we continue with gentleness before drawing into the hug we both need. 'i saw you die too often today, Kathryn, seeing that shuttle blow, was just too much.' i gently stroke the back of his neck.'i thought sending Mike, he would disable you and stop the heroics. instead he delivered a damn lecture on your behalf! If she hadn't been too busy shooting you, Seska would have had him too!' I can't help my winning grin at that, definitely point to Janeway!

He, however, has been using tactics of his own, our kisses have been gaining in passion, and I find that I am backed against my desk, and hop onto the edge. 'Chakotay' i husk,' whilst undoing some of the buttons of his shirt 'we could always play out our own version of starfleet and maquis' he grins and it is a good thing I am already sitting, because the power in the next kiss is such that I would struggle to stay standing. I return that passion before having the sense to ask the computer how much time remained. 'you have 45 minutes' hmm, not so very much time 'well' says chakotay with his terrible leer 'i guess i should dispense with some of the niceties! computer, confirm privacy lock engaged' 'privacy lock confirmed' 'halt and save programme at this point Chakotay 2-0-5' 'programme saved'

'well, Kathryn, ex captain of the federation starship voyager, I regret to inform you that you are under my control, as is your starship, the free ship voyager. strip!' he says menacingly 'do your worst' I challenge him, chin up and words bitten out, before slowly removing all my items of clothing.' his eyes glitter with lust as he divests his clothes more rapidly 'clocks ticking Kathryn' he murmurs, before asking for some additional height to the readyroom desk and moving into my embrace. In this version of the game, I most definitively surrender. oh yes, most definitely. Another fantasy is brought to reality for us by the holodeck. I cannot imagine the number of times we both imagined throwing caution to the wind in here.

the computer reminds us that we have only five minutes of time left, so we quickly freshen in the head and dress. My bun of steel is in a woeful state, with pins scattered in gay abandon. A quick twist though and I am presentable enough to get us back to our quarters. Chakotay is back in uniform, with his maquis wear under an arm. 'well, Kathryn, we got further in the programme this time' 'hmmm, but the ending was still the same' and we are both wearing identical grins as we leave, smiling at a open mouthed Tal and Telfer as we leave. Thank goodness the holosuite is well soundproofed and has a sonic clean between programmes.

'feeling better now, Kathryn?' he asks, as we relax snuggled on the couch. Icheb brings chakotay tea and me coffee with a query. Oh, I say, the hirogen. it was good that you missed them. 'Hmm' he says 'Seven did think that would be a tricky one, what with blowing the prime directive' 'Icheb!' i gasp. 'i would never violate the prime directive! well, not completely. Just perhaps a slight, err, bend. Anyway, they could have just taken the holotechnology after all and killed my crew!' 'yes mom' he and chakotay share a grin. I am slightly feathers ruffled 'its OK mom, I know that you always made the best decisions possible. I hear that from Naomi *all* *the* *time*! and, like you, she is always right' and with that, my damn son kisses my forehead, messes up my hair and runs grinning to his room 'night mom!' to shouts of Chakotay's laughter.

He stops my inevitable defence with a long and languorous kiss. We both know that I did bend the prime directive more times than perhaps were strictly necessary. 'i couldn't help but notice, Kathryn, that you seemed rather taken by the mediaeval simulation in the debrief' Oh but he is good, changing the subject, he didn't need that manual from Tom at all. 'maybe we could find something a bit less... bloodthirsty in that vein on the holodeck some time?' I allow myself to be mollified by visions of Chakotay as my knight in shining armour before we settle down to an hour or two of PADD updates. I don't even complain too much when my next coffee is decaff.

Chapter 6: Chapter 6

'come ON chakotay!' she demands imperiously at high octane as she excitedly pushes off. This, she has been telling me excitedly in whispers, is one of the sports that she adores. Not quite on my list of favourite sports, but who can deny a passionate Kathryn? Certainly not me. I spend a moment admiring the mountains cloaked in snow, breathing in the serenity taken from nature, even if in a holodeck recreation, and not just the rapidly disappearing Kathryn, her hair blown back behind her, and those silly doggy earmuffs she is wearing. I thank the spirits that she wasn't insistent on the ridiculous 'elf ears' for me, slightly too similar to Vulcan ears for me to be comfortable. She is far enough down the slope now for this to be a fair race. She may love skiing, whereas I can take or leave it, but I have the weight advantage.

She stops, a sharply scattering plume of snow escaping the constraint of earth from the force, and i hear her shouting back, slight annoyance in her tone, 'are you with me?' I knew that she would not be able to resist looking to see if I followed, and then berating me for taking a moment more to enjoy the tranquility of the Kitzbuhel vista, painstakingly and perfectly rendered in this training programme. if she could see, I would roll my eyes more obviously. Instead, I shrug and laugh as I also throw my bodyweight forward and let out a loud whoop as I speed towards her.

Realising her tactical error, she turns forwards to set off again, but momentum is lost, and she knows it. I keep my figure lean and trim, and am approaching her at speed. However, she has more knowledge of the route we are on and is still planning to give me a good fight. I slow, a similar slew of snow released behind me, this is the easy slope, and really this is just a warm up for the big one, the Hahnenkamm race. I match her instead, and we laugh as we more leisurely take the course as a tandem, keeping our lines similar. Matching move for move, something that we have always excelled at, an ability we should never have doubted. The holographic sun is shining, and Kathryn allowed me to elevate the temperature slightly, so that although a tingle of cold persists, and offsets the heat of exercise, my comfort is maintained. The burst of exercise, and the slightly warm levels of the programme have brought a sparkle to her eyes, a blush of red to her cheeks and the widest of smiles.

And the memory hits me, an icy moon and a cross country ski competition arranged by the indefatigable Tom. B'E and I stayed on Voyager, with the other cold weather refuseniks, and the doctor took a holographic recording to show us what we were missing. Mostly we laughed from the warmth of the bridge, drinking a hot chocolate. Making bets. I remember the shock when I bet against the Captain. We all know that as indomitable and persistent as the captain is, she is still slight, and best at bursts of speed, cross country takes a different muscle set. Rollins being the surprise winner in the end, and the captain was one of the beneficiaries of that. Smirking as she drank her coffee for the best part of a month. But part way along, I saw her laugh and toss her head at the skier beside her, clearly the doctor, giving him a smile that I thought reserved only for me.

It had thrown me then, that she could smile in such a free and full hearted way at someone else. There were gasps from some of the lower decks with us, and comments that they had never see the captain look so ... human, beautiful. But as they swung their eyes to me, all I could wonder was whether the looks that we shared, that I took to be indicative of what we wanted but couldn't have were all a delusion on my part. The thought stayed with me, and was one of the misunderstandings that built between us. I stopped responding to those looks, she stopped giving them.

The air changes and I feel her arm against mine, reminding us both we belong, we connect. she stops, worry now on her face, biting her lip and the beginnings of a frown. She has sensed my reverie, my withdrawal from the moment and the disquiet behind it. I turn in a full stop to face her.

'the race on that icy moon' she nods, still unsure where this is leading 'you smiled my smile to the doctor' . if she wasn't on skis I am sure she would have stepped back, there is surprised humour on her face. 'this smile?' and she eyes me with that half smile that means business, that she wants me, loves me, needs me. Not hat one! I grin at her. As if she would smile *that* one for anyone, and I see the ridiculousness of my previous distress. We were both so damaged by our need to maintain our roles, by subsuming our passion until we had buried it.

Time to regain the initiative. I grab her in my arms and slightly precariously lean in for a kiss. The momentum was too great, and a tangle of skis crashes us to the ground, peeling laughter rings through the stillness. Even in the holodeck, the cold of snow is a shock as we land with a thump, sliding further down the slope, struggling to stop the momentum. At the earliest opportunity I haul myself over and clamber towards her and I end up leaning over her, laughing down as she grins back up. 'you are so high maintenance, Chakotay, I wish I had known. I gave the doctor my free and happy smile, knowing you were watching. I loved that race, I felt alive! it was perhaps the last time till we got home that the inner mischief took me.' her ski's unclipped she pushes me back and into the snow, her hot lips on mine, the heat of her infused passion contrasting with the freezing feel of snow melting against my neck.

my muffled protests over her high handed slander die in my mouth as she sets about passionately proving just how wrong I can be. I cease my resistance and also the struggle to lift back up as my jacket is unzipped, allowing her to snuggle closer, her hands warm from the gloves reaching under all my warm layers to place against my heart. I could so nearly be tempted, if it wasn't for the sudden cold sting of ice on my back where further slithering has lifted my unzipped jacket. 'too cold!' I shout as I start push her away, making a plan to stand. 'too late' she murmurs, and where she leads, I will follow.

Not, however, necessarily under her conditions, as I roll her over again so that she is feeling the shock of the cold, and my hands invading the warmth under her jacket. Neither of us are quite young enough or quite crazy enough to make love in the snow. Eventually I haul her up, and we refind skis, gloves, poles and tuck ourselves back into order before finishing the ski to the bottom. I might have called the skiing done, but nothing is going to distract Kathryn from the Streif.

We call the holodeck to order our descent, and I draw first. we translocate to the starting gate and change there to waiting racing gear. It suits us, a second skin delineating muscle and form. She pushes me towards the gate, ready to begin the descent. I do 't need to look to know that she will be admiring me. It does me good to be so openly admired. It helps me move past my fatal indecision born from loss of confidence.

I am off, the wind whistling past, the sharp sounds as the skis cut through the snow like a blade. The first jump is soon, and I need to be at top speed well in advance. I might not enjoy skiing as much as kathryn, but the teachers at the academy made sure that we were all well trained for ice planet skills. I am as one with the skis, with the craft. I am happy. We are happy. Life is Good.

-0-0-0-

its winter, and we have unusually had snow today. So let hope that I can get my finishing skills, and complete 'the measure of our dreams' as prob only 2 chapters +/- a bonus! Happy holidays in case I can't! TrekDr

Chapter 7: Chapter 7 - dance lessons

Janeway

Go to it Janeway, just open the damned door. It wont be the first room you have barrelled into, and it shouldn't be hostile.

I haven't been down here since I was a cadet. The old underbelly of starfleet and outdated holosuites. I can't believe they haven't had an upgrade. What is he doing so he has to hide away like this?

He was doing it again, there is this tune that he has been nearly humming just the odd note, and when he has been tucked away in the kitchen, i have seen him move a few dance steps. I was sure they are proper dance steps too, not the starfleet stumble - not that Chakotay stumbles, he is good at the old opener - but something a bit more... Latin. I shouldn't have been surprised. Intriguing. Has he been having lessons? Who has he been dancing with? I hate secrets and not knowing.

I kept my eyes on the PADD until he kissed me on the way out. No, he definitely did a shuffle step on the way out.

I had messaged 'Lanna to investigate.

Admiral Patterson said it is the worst damn excuse I had ever given him, and there have been some sorry ones in the past. He gave me the exit and I promised him shiny fleet upgrades.

'Lanna had found him, in the old holosuites, 3a. I just had to see what he was up to. Since she messaged it had just been piercing my brain like those damned Srivani needles, And when that need to do something gets me, I just can't resist.

So here I am, uncharacteristically nervous. Is this an invasion of his privacy? Our relationship is still new, although also old. Our rules are in flux. Is this an intrusion, or acceptable inquisitveness. I should just have asked. Damn. Damn it to hell, I am not made for vacillation, and I need to know. I do trust him. I...

Do It.

I trigger the door and step in. He is in the arms of another, younger woman. Not blonde, not Borg. Damn that that still matters.

The music he has been humming in spurts surrounds me, as I step into the dance studio where he is concentrating on the steps and I grin. He must know I am here, our sense of each other usually is a fairly quick red alert. I, however, have powered down my red alert. Not blonde, not borg but photonic. i enjoy watching him move as she exhorts him to use his pelvis, keep his shoulders in a line. I have watched the repetitions. I am both a dancer and a scientist, my memory is excellent.

I walk forwards and cut in, smiling up at chakotay as I slip into his arms. He lifts an eyebrow.

'you took your time!'

Chapter 8: Chapter 8 - skating with Naomi

this probably should have made it into crossing the rubicon as it is as much debrief as holoplay and doesn't quite belong here. consider it an out take. however, i was really trying to avoid debrief on the whole until this one ran away a bit. Mostly I am dithering starting the next adventure fic. i also should be doing my tax return.

Anyway, this one is timed to the start of the debrief period soon after return to the alpha quadrant.

-0-0-0-0-

The Mokra! of all the things I thought that they would have focused on, I had not expected the mokra to play such a central role. It didn't matter to the frock fronted desk jockeys that Voyager was nearly completely out of power. We just had to have the tellerium to stabilise the matter-anti matter in the warp drive.

Yes, of course we knew that we were going to be bargaining from the oppressed Alsaurian resistance, that's why we damned well hid behind a moon and slipped in so that the Mokra were unaware of us. Our reaction rate was down to nearly 9 %, we would just have been dead in space. Yes, that probably wasn't an ideal starfleet manouevre, but it definitely wasn't something that contravened the prime directive. I explained again the background, our local guide's advice. Yes, Neelix, trying not to let a rasp of annoyance colour my voice. No, i ad no references from Neelix, he was a friend when we needed one. Yes, sometimes is advice wasn't... reliable, and yes he could be excitable. Hell, I wish i had put less in my damned logs!

I reaffirm that we had slipped in with disguise, under the radar, and nearly slipped out without notice, Neelix had made it back to the ship. I couldn't leave Tuvok and B'Elanna behind. They were my crew, and they were needed. Surely they would expect a captain to hold the faith of the crew and attempt a rescue.

They countered that by triggering a prison fail, engineering the death of the third magistrate of the Mokra order, that they predicted the alsaurians would either recapture the planet, probability difficult to predict based on lack of information, but in the order of 10% due to the likely technological advantage of the Mokra, who would no doubt plunge the planet in bloodthirsty, brutal reprisals against the rebels.

How did I feel to be the engineer of such a catastrophe?

Damnit to Hell and back. I didn't have the time to consider this when there. All i had aimed to do was to free my colleagues, it had spun out of control. And for my crew, the getting of the tellerium was make or break.

I can see they have no patience for my short sighted concentration on my crew.

I hate this debriefing, I hate that I then reflect on all my decisions, and in the lens they raise up to me, I know I failed as a pure starfleet captain, but I damn well brought my crew home. Now though, I am being forced to think at what cost. Even the decisions that didn't weigh on me are starting to drag me under.

They haven't even started yet on the lengths I would have been prepared to go to for my crew and ship. What they like to forget is that still women even in starfleet are aware that sex is a bargaining tool. If you are lucky it is nearly consensual, enough so that there is mutual enjoyment and desire. if you are not so lucky, you recall the starfleet defence against physical torture and move on. I have paid the price in the past for things that were far less important than my ship or crew.

Of course, talking it all through also brought the memories of Caylem back. Dear, sweet, troubled man. He shew no fear or hesitation in dying to save his daughter, demonstrating the sacrifice a parent will make for a child. The sacrifice a captain would make for crew and ship. I hate even more that I am getting emotional, but for a moment I had felt the bond of a daughter with Caylem, just as he left me. I had been without that paternal love for too damned long.

Deanna is at these debriefings. She has been at all of mine so far. It has been explained that she is not to listen to what is being debriefed, and for the sensitive subjects, they make sure she cannot hear, but to assess my strength of feelings, ensure my veracity, and also advise them when a halt is required. With the memories of lost fathers drawing on a well of hidden despair, I am unsurprised when we stop.

my accusers and interrogators leave us alone together.

'they have to push you Kathryn. you were out there alone. There is no valid senior crew testimony since Tuvok is unavailable.'

I remain angrily silent. Damn them to hell, Chakotay is getting an equal grilling even if he is not considered trustworthy enough. I am not sure whether it is his maquis past, or our dating present. i had erroneously thought that it would have been easier, for all of us. I try to grab onto the high we all had on Voyagers return.

'Kathryn' she tries again 'it is important for them to understand how you made the decisions, you can't resist this'

'resistance is futile' I snarl 'am i due for re-assimilation?' and I wonder how far away from starfleet I might be perceived to be.

'do you think you require to be re-assimilated? Are you so very different?' in her gentle voice.

i have to pause and consider. Deanna isn't the enemy, and truly the admirals aren't either. It is me, I am hating this forcible reminder of my place.

'damnit deanna, i am starting to consider that i have left a trail of death and devastation behind us, just like the Kazon suggested'

She is silent, she knows when she has started the right path to keep quiet for me to finish, and to prod only if I stop.

'No, I am still starfleet, but I am not the same as I was. the experience has blended with me some of the maquis. i bent the rules, so much so on occassion that they were more truly bypassed or broken. I have become independent. i tried tho, Deanna, at all times I tried.' i hate the fact that this sounded whiny and apologetic 'damnit! they, you, needed to be out there to truly understand. Sometimes I had no good options.' and yes, neither of us has to say it. that is why there is debrief. Janeway, get over yourself and get on with it.

'I don't think that I am responsible for the Mokra or Alsaurians future. Our interference was not significant. I believe the resistance was building up to take action anyway. They could have let me fail and be captured. They took advantage of our diversion. if not us, it would have been something else. They had already gathered weapons.' A I think this through I am sure of it. It becomes clear, how to see my way through the debrief. They are not the enemy, and i am due some suspicion and inquisition after being autonomous for so damned long.

Deanna nods. 'you are ready?' and I agree, back to the debrief. She hasn't touched on the ... personal... and I am grateful. I can't fight a battle with my inner demons and debrief.

-0-0-0-

We finished early in the end. I guess part of my resistance to debrief is that I am no longer used to the review of my actions, being accountable to anyone other than my crew. We are only just getting going, and I know that the debrief will get to trickier areas before long - devore, equinox and borg shriek at me, and the caretaker array. Deanna suggests I find something with the crew to do rather than being solitary, so here I am. a holosuite where the Delaney sisters are offering skating.

I'm not sure whether I am quite ready for so much socialising after the debriefing, and I am keen for Chakotay to finish too so that we can talk through how this is going. Perhaps some of the senior team...

I open the holodeck and the cacophony of some latest club offering is blasting forwards. I nearly turn and run right then, but Naomi sees me and squeals. how can I do other than smile widely at her and move towards her. She is dressed the part with a pretty blue skater dress and her hair tied back, cheeks flushed from exertion and the grin I love. Having seen me, she is attempting to skate towards me and comes haphazardly across, nearly stumbling over on several occasions until megan swoops and holds her hands until she gets to the rink edge.

'captain!' she screams 'ooh, can you skate, are you joining us? Megan is teaching me and says I am really really good!' Naomi announces proudly. I smile at Megan who suggests I 'get my skates on'

'Actually, I have never ice skated. I'm not sure why, but I can roller blade, do you think it might be similar?'

'oooh, you have to try it Captain! Come on!'

I remind Naomi to call me Aunty Kathryn now we aren't on Voyager, and she looks a little glum at that, so to cheer her up, I then declare she should help me choose skates. She has some garishly interactive Trevis and Flotter designed skates, and the holodeck at her command presents her with a pair correctly sized for me. i put a brave face on whilst Megan stifles a giggle, and gingerly the Trevis and Flotter skates go on. A fine addition to my modern uniform!

Getting on the ice I feel uncertain all over again. 'Come on! let go of the edge aunty Kathryn!' Naomi is piercing in her encouragement, and I try not to let the fact the the scattered ensigns and crewmen on the ice all turn to look at me dissuade me, as I take my first cautious steps. I feel all legs and no balance, and am reminded of a childhood film about a baby deer failing to stand up, legs flailing in all directions. Naomi grabs my hand to help and instead nearly pulls me down with her. We both giggle, and the various crewmen still watching go back to their own epic struggles to stay on their feet.

luckily for us, an experienced Jor skates up, doing a perfect stop just before me. 'Naomi, sweetheart, let the boss find her ice feet and then you can skate with her' before Naomi can answer, Jor is pulling her along, skating backwards herself and then Tabor joins her to grab Naomi's other hand and they glide her at speed around the rink. I watch her laughing with joy with them smiling at her enthusiasm and wish that it was me being skated around the rink. Actually, I miss Naomi's hand in mine and her sparkiness. We should have had more children on Voyager.

Hmm! I am dumped and dejected!

This is no good Janeway! I try a few glides, and actually, this isn't too different from roller blading, not that I have done that for a long while! I am getting the hang of it now, the smooth glides start becoming confident,. I start to feel the breeze ripple my hair and it is suddenly feeling and Megan and Jenny swoop up to me. 'not bad Kathryn' it still sounds odd to hear my name from their lips, I have been so used to being called Captain. I grin back 'time to regain my dance then!'

and so with some technical advice from a variety of my crew, I regain the confidence to go backwards, stop at speed - an embarrassing tumble or two required - and then some ballet poses whilst gliding. The spins take a bit more getting the hang of, and before I realise it, Megan, Jenny and Jor are creating a class on the ice and I am with Naomi on one side and Nicoletti on the other in Megan's posse. She demonstrates - flawlessly - and then in turn we try and repeat. We start with circles and then make them smaller. Naomi is throwing herself into this experience, literally, and for her, the number of times her ass hits the deck is not a problem. She gets up again with her hands on her hips and gives me a class A captain rant at laughing at her until the giggles catch her as well. She demands that I show her, and somewhat hesitantly I try, but I still can't quite relax into it. My ass is definitely having enough of kissing the deck. As I get up again from the ice, I give a death glare to a gleeful Naomi, who is having none of it. I moan that at least her skating skirt looks pretty as she twirls.

They call an end to the spinning and mostly falling class, and say it is time to relax and skate around to the music, so Naomi and I hold hands as we skate around. We are both much more comfortable on our skates. What i hadn't realised until we skated together is that the flotter and trevis characters are trying to jump between our boots. It is causing mass hysteria with the crew, and i am sure i caught a holocamera in action.

'do you mind, aunty kathryn?' naomi is so cute. I grin at her, 'what, mind that our skates our friends? No Naomi. We are the luckiest people on this rink!' and we skate around as our flotter and trevis characters now wave at the people we pass. Naomi keeps an excited chatter going, occasionally waving to various crew members, but gripping onto my hand for dear life. As she goes she updates me on the latest gossip from the crew. There have been family reunions, surprises for some of the crew at the strength of emotion and not all of it positive. I listen with a worried frown.

'don't worry Aunty Kathryn, we're all back together now' she says with such childlike innocence, and the belief that we can fix anything together.

She tells me that after all she loves her Dad, he is quite smiley really. he has nice strong arms in a hug, and reads her ktarian bedtime stories. He makes her hot chocolate when she can't sleep with her only special heart mug. In his apartment, he has loads of pictures of her as well as mom. he has leave from his post on DS9 for six months, and is doing something here in starfleet, but only half the time, so that when Mom is in debrief, he can sometimes take her out. Today he is working this morning, but in the afternoon they are going to take a hike in a forest. They have been to an aquarium and soon she will meet her grandparents. She wonders if her dad would like trevis. somehow i doubt it, but I imagine he will do his best! Her dad, apparently, thinks I am the most wonderful captain ever since i brought them home to him. Naomi's joy at her alpha quadrant family is a balm.

At that, I feel some of the tension from debrief lift. In her joyful chatter, and looking around me at the ensigns and crewmen laughing as they skate, it reminds me that whatever i perhaps could have done differently or better, I did deliver on my promise. My happiness is forever bound in the welfare of this crew. That getting us home has bought happiness to many, and that for those that have a bumpier ride, I will make sure that I am there to help, provide what they need so this joy can be shared.

A new promise. Now that we are home in place, I want to make sure that we are all home in spirit as well.

Naomi is insistently tugging at my hands 'what is it sweetie?' and we both startle at the term of affection before grinning. I am definitely slipping into earthside ways, or turning into my mother! 'can we stop for a hot chocolate?... you can have coffee?' Yes, like all my crew, she knows how this captain works.

We make our way to a table, and the holodeck provides her with a caramel chocolate with marshmellows, and i take my coffee black.

'what are you thinking about aunty kathryn?' she is perceptive, and I tell her about my plan to make us all happy here '... so you see Naomi, we need to be looking after each other still, and making sure that anyone needing Voyager family help gets it. Can you be my captain's assistant still and let me know of anyone you find needs a bit more help?'

'um, i think Seven does, but I'm not sure if she wants to talk to you Aunty Kathryn.' i have a wry grin as I agree with Naomi. The return home has been less than easy on Seven, and she is having an entirely different debrief experience to us. i bite my lower lip in worry and try to smile at Naomi. 'i think you are right, and I will see what i can do to have a number of her Voyager family spend time with her. Naomi, you have more time than we do, can you persuade her to come here skating with you, and kadis kott. She is missing talking to me, tuvok, chakotay and neelix. Tom and B'elanna are busy with Miral, and she doesn't really like babies. Harry ... well, he is spending a lot of time with Jenny, mike and megan. And she has been less friendly with the doctor since...'

'since he said he loved her?' well that word got around then! 'i think she misses him Aunty Kathryn. Where is he?'

'A good question Naomi, but he will soon have is own office in starfleet medical, and i think he might be a little lonely too, so we will have to make sure Seven helps him too wont we' and we grin at each other. 'mission accepted!' and my co-conspirator gives me a cheeky grin.

'now, time for some more practice Naomi, as we need to see if we can master a jump next!' we laugh as we slip back onto the ice, our ice-legs needing a reminder, but we are soon off and running. Naomi and I separate, and I see her moving between crew members, getting them to hold her hand and pair up with another, joining them together in talk before slipping off. I have to admit that she is good.

I pass between different crewmen, Jor helps me with jumps, tabor takes me in his arms for a gentle start at dance and this encourages other pairs to try. Megan changes the music into a Viennese waltz and we all start to learn how to move and turn in pairs on the ice. When she shouts change, we change partners. It is such fun, i laugh with all the partners I have, especially if I muddle my feet and we end up a heap on the ice. 'i am so sorry' i tell mulcahey 'i think i am a shipping hazard. He roars a laugh back. and makes me blush when he says he is going to share the story of hitting the deck in a clinch with his captain.

'Ensign, these are the times we have to remember, the laughter and joy we have had spending time together as family. We will always be family, even as we start to spread out over the alpha quadrant... and I will always be the captain that you hit the deck in a clinch with' I say dryly, and as we partner swap again, I know that these small interactions that we will foster through debrief and beyond are what will keep us all safe.

The session comes to the end, and i thank Megan and Jenny for the fun i have had. if I am free at any more of their daytime skating sessions, I will definitely attend. I might even persuade Chakotay to try it. A giggle from Naomi and i shake my head at her. 'he can watch!' and then we both laugh at the idea of chakotay ice dancing. 'not a word! i whisper to her as he appears, looking worriedly for me.

'chakotay!' she yells 'we did ice dancing, you should have seen us! We were fabulous. We twirled, and jumped. Aunty Kathryn fell over but she didn't swear' I roll my eyes and his eyes start to twinkle as he holds in his mirth over that last statement, and he strides across, swinging her up into his arms for a welcome before carrying her to a seat by Sam.

'boots, kathryn' he grins at me, dimples powering out and raises his eyebrows over the hyperactive flotter demanding my attention before the holodeck command removes them, and I place my arm through his as we join the throng aiming for the mess hall. i like being able to walk on the arm of the man i love.

We will endure debrief and make it an opportunity to spread a message. Start our play for our position in the alpha quadrant.

Eating together, meeting together, we are going to take out some of the bumps from crash landing back into the alpha quadrant.

Chapter 9: Chapter 9 - serving under me?

I have missed Tuvok! his illness and treatment have kept him out of my coming home stories until he pops up chapter 11 of 'the measure of our dreams'. so I have been playing a little bit with him in my head, and clearly in the next big story that I am struggling with writing! [it seems like such a big task at the moment, though i have written my very last chapter of all and love it so much I need to get to it] . This is sort of my not AU but it could have been of Caretaker. I am trying to get my head around dialogue, so constructive criticism welcomed!

I think this series is going to have an explosion of stories! Enjoy and please comment.

-0-0-0-

'Captain, a moment please' I turn, always ready to greet the man behind the voice. He has been absent for too long, and I have missed him, not just his rational counsel, his extensive knowledge and support. I have missed him, the Vulcan who perhaps I have been remiss in not acknowledging as a friend. Here we are, at the reception in our honour, dripping with the medals that are superfluous for both of us. I am pleased to be in his company.

'Tuvok!' and my enthusiastic smile and hand to his shoulder come as a surprise

'I have a ... gift.' and he surprises me by placing his hand on my shoulder so we stand as brothers. i am honoured.

in all our years I have never received a gift from Tuvok. At various times our personal relationship has been fraught. In fact initially even our professional relationship was fraught, caught by multiple snags of his betrayal, my position above in the chain of command, our differences in command style. All of these leading to undercurrents of rivalry which would inevitably spill out as we jostled for the only thing that really mattered, her good opinion. Over time we adjusted, I to his betrayal as I also gave my loyalty to the Captain and realised that he also was her bondsman. He adjusted to my place in her life.

Our professional selves meshed, we made a good tactical team, sometimes reining in our Captain through coordinated movement, but more commonly adjusting to her vision and finding that we were in step.

Privately we became reserved again as my relationship with Kathryn waxed and waned, when she was wounded by my disconnect, after Teero, when he couldn't meet my eyes due to his own desperate shame in failing her. Finally as he saw my fledgeling dalliance, aware from the very start i also could not meet the challenge in his eyes.

Now though, I have returned to my truth, and therefore to our partnership. We are both liege-men to a singular leader and bondsmen to her.

As we break apart from our greeting, he surprises me further by handing over a holoprogramme chip.

'I was given this as tactical preparation. I am not sure that you would have use for it... however...' and he nods, finishing the gift giving.

'I hope to see you both well rested at the end of our leave period. Congratulations on your marriage, promotion and family.' All of this is delivered in his standard grave and measured tones with minimal inflection. Years of close working and I wonder whether I truly sense the restful joy behind the last phrase, or whether my human sensitivity ascribes him this emotion.

'your marriage has the opportunity to bring both of you great joy. However, I hope that you continue with your counselling... I regret that I missed the opportunity to intervene or advise in our final year due to the progression of my illness... I lost the ... balance ... required. I never recovered from Quarra, and it was only on looking back after my treatment that I saw that neither did she. ' i look again at him in surprise, I had thought that it was my faithlessness that had caused the loss of our friendship, not his own guilt. My mind starts reworking this last difficult year. Spirits but Quarra was the beginning of our final decline.

I reject his guilt, 'Tuvok, that last year was too hard for all of us. kathryn was stumbling, you were ill, i lost my sense of peace. We did the best we could, and it was enough.'

'barely' and his impassive face nearly smiles 'she came back to save us, the three of us.' and we both pause to reflect on the weighty truth of that. A love that surpassed the laws of time. We both turn to gaze on Kathryn, Admiral Janeway, as she flits from admirals and politicians to Voyager families, spreading herself thin to honour Voyager.

'Kathryn Janeway has a position in my life that is unusual in Vulcan society. She is more important than a mere friend, however close, and I value her life, welbeing and happiness as greatly as if she were my bonded mate, though with no desire in that direction, or perhaps my child, though I see her as an equal. I believe that I would have a negative view should she be hurt.' and in his imperturbable way he accomplishes his purpose. I am aware of both the support and the threat, and that in this case it will be fulfilled.

'It was an honour to serve with you, on both vessels'

And whilst I murmur my surprised 'Thank you', he has moved on to the exuberant embrace of Tom before gently extracting himself from champagne enhance bonhomie. He turns to Miral and takes her to allow B'Elanna and Tom to mingle more freely. I am struck that we never considered how harsh the loss of his family had been for Tuvok, hidden behind the invulnerable exterior.

i turn the chit in my hand. I wonder...

-0-0-0-

'come on Kathryn, i think you will enjoy it!' I ignore her as she moans her way out from the Adirondack chair on the Indiana porch, nurturing the mug of chamomile tea her mother has insisted on. 'I'm comfy Chakotay' she pleads ' and you did say I should factor in more rest now we're back...' she lets that tail off, looking beseechingly at me. i laugh heartlessly. I can see the padd, she just has her nose stuck into the latest specs of her peregrine falcon admiral's yacht. 'rest!' I huff at her.

'Kathryn love, we have a question to explore!' and I know that will do it. If there is something my Kathryn gets up for, it is intrigue and mystery. It has been nearly a month since we last visited a holosuite together. We have been exploring, enjoying and delighting in real life on a real planet with real people. however, in our moments of quietness i have expanded on the programme Tuvok gave me, making a story, borrowing the characters back from Tuvok's other training programme. It is now ready.

I pick up the required clothing from our replicator and some that we own before we beam to starfleet headquarters.

'chakotay, why here! we are on leave. Oh, shall we see if Owen is in?' and I growl a negative as she smirks. She is trying me. We arrive at the holosuite anteroom and I privacy lock before giving her her uniform and bundling her into a changing cubicle. I have no wish to derail this be changing together. At hr muffled curses about how hard it is to return to uniform, and some distinctly Klingon expletives around her changed shape, my grin widens.

I stride out waiting for her in my leathers as she joins, a distinctly starfleet captain. Her longer hair is once again in a bun, even if softer and less primped than in our early years and her captains pips are perfectly aligned. I cannot help the smile of appreciation.

'well hello... Captain' a hand of hers flies to a hip and her chin juts upwards, I interrupt her even as she draws breath. 'so shall we see? whether you would serve under me if our situations were reversed?' She raises an eyebrow and her half grin steals across her lips. 'let's do it' she drawls and stalks ahead of me and enters the Voyager bridge.

-0-0-0-

ha! we have got to that moment! in the start of this programme she was on voyager just after the caretaker brought us here. I watched her try and save everyone, trying to work out what would push her to accept serving under me, searching for the thing that is going to send her hurtling towards me, a dangerous projectile of starfleet intent. I have you Kathryn!

She visits the caretaker a slightly speedier version this time as I know just how frustrated she felt last time. I try not to laugh from myview point as even with the shorter version, and the direct investigation she is still equally frustrated, i had thought increased command experience over the years would have given her more equanimity. Or maybe I am better able to spot the subtle signs that play around her eyes and jaw. Finally, he has taken someone. Because I love her, and this person is going to be lost, it is an imaginary Lt Zimmerman, which makes her smile when, as she still has Harry, she asks the computer if there is anyone missing on return. Smiles long enough to not see the warp core breach that is going to explode her ship, Carey not being engineer enough to effect a rescue and she is too far away. It doesn't stop her from staying on the bridge, frantically inputting commands into the engineering station whilst her remnant crew arc away in the escape pods after her frantic order to abandon ship, through space to the hoped haven of the Ocampan planet.

A haven that she knows is a mirage.

She told them all to go armed and with medkits and emergency rations. She also told pilots and tactics to take the 2 shuttles and prepare to defend. Always a tactitian. She placed Carey in charge in one with Kim as his second in the other, perhaps appreciating that at this point in the journey Paris would have been unable to command and lead, no-one would follow. Even choosing Harry is a brave move. Carey I understand. They speed away from this story to a future unknown and undrawn.

Paris hasn't left, he comes towards her, telling her they have to leave now, and even though it is the holodeck, her captain impulses don't leave her, and for once she starts to go with him, knowing since she can't save the ship her crew will need her. Not to save her life, but that of her crew. I smile wryly, spirits, I am going to have to keep a close eye on her when we go go back to active duty. Or keep her out of the action. huh! probability of that, zero. Here is my moment.

'Val Jean to Voyager'

'on screen'

'our sensors show you have a critical malfunction of the warp core, captain? i will transport you to our ship'

i don't wait to see how she is reacting and go off screen. the holodeck transforms into the liberty transporter room and I walk through the door.

-0-0-0-

i nearly have to halt programme just to laugh. Kathryn is berating B'Elanna, who is giving just as much grief back as B'Ella slips into Klingon, so does Kathryn and they are really hammering away. From the federation standard portion of this argument, Kathryn wants to be immediately transported to the planet. Like Hell she will be! I have a suspicion that I am already seeing the answer to whether she would serve under me! B'ella is teling her she isn't in charge, and that's not how things are done on this ship. Kathryn appeals for her crew, beleaguered on a strange planet as far away from home as it is possible to be.

Kathryn, somewhat amazingly is already being able to suborn my B'Ella, who is programmed as the angry confused klingon she was. I can see that B'ella is seeing the value and truth in whatever this discussion is. i could do with some damned universal translators. Looking at Paris, who is looking rather too avidly at Kathryn for my liking - and I hope I don't appear so drooling and adoring - I need to get this story back on track.

'Kathryn Janeway, welcome aboard. b'ella, take Tom to the bridge and plot any course out of here at maximum warp.'

Immediately the two stop arguing, but the respite is brief. Spirits but they are so similar! they swivel to face me as one, glaring with angry eyes and resistant faces. The Janeway chin up and hand on hip of no surrender, and the Torres head shake and wildly flailing arms. Two women I love both approaching me with menace. Spitfire and Hellcat. Spirits but the temptation is to alt the programme and kiss the hell out of Kathryn. I had forgotten just what a passionately angry Kathryn did to me. Damn. No wonder the delta quadrant kept me keen.

'put me back on the planet with my crew this instant. how dare you think I would abandon them!'/'how dare you abandon Seska! you may not be together but she is one of us, and we don't leave her behind'

'enough!' I bellow. 'soon all the scavengers of this region will be arriving, and we just don't have the firepower to keep safe' I am angry at having to justify my position. I am captain!

'if we just pull out of range to regroup then...'/'we better damn well be coming back, p'tak'

'I said ENOUGH!' and I truly shout this in full command and get instant silence. I know that it won't last.

'Torres, I don't expect to tell you again' and with a glare she pulls an openly gaping Paris out of the door. Moments later I feel us going to warp.

'Kathryn Janeway' I try again, this time with a hint of menace in my voice, and I see the flare of lust in her eyes. 'We need to talk the terms of your surrender' and I walk out, knowing that she will be so angry that she will follow.

'you maquis bastard!' she starts 'why the hell couldn't you have let me contact my crew at least before we left'

I open the door into my quarters, which doubles as my office, and order her 'sit down'. As she hesitates 'now!' she flashes a look at me. 'Janeway, I cannot have insubordination on my ship. Sit and we will talk terms, or you can go back to the transporter room and into space' and I say this in my rational, even voiced unperturbed drawl. Slight amusement in my features as I watch her decide.

'we could have just done this the easy way' I offer. Her captain's mask is in position, and I know that currently I rank with the Hirogen, with the Borg, mokra, and with every damn species that has tried to separate her from the wield of her crew. She sits.

'Mr Chakotay' with a gravel rasped drawl of her own. 'you have few options. I agree that the scavengers will be soon drawn to the explosion of Voyager [and I am sure we are both thinking of the caretaker array too] and a tactical withdrawal was an option. I would have hidden behind the planet'

I nod at this 'a planetary hide was an option, but I have no plans to return, so best get the hell out while we still can' and I wait, knowing she can't or won't accept this. Honestly, its not something I would have done either. I just want to see what argument she will put on the table. 'after all, I am assuming your crew will swifly become slaves of the dominant race here' I can feel her 'over my dead body' even if she doesn't say it out loud.

'Mister Chakotay' oh damn, it is her voice of complete reasonableness 'I am not sure what resources your ship has, but I wonder if you have any refreshments whilst we discuss our position'

I grin 'our position? tut tut Janeway, it is my position. If you can propose a plan that I am willing to accept, then we can consider whether there is any merit in an our position' I watch her try not to bit her lower lip 'Ayala, can you bring two beers to my quarters' her eyes flash.

We are silent until Ayala comes in, smirking appreciatively at our captured starfleet captain. A lesser woman might feel uncomfortable, not Kathryn. Even without her knowledge, she would have been safe on my ship. It might have been maquis rebel, and clearly full of spies, but it was tight ship, a safe ship. I am more surprised when she gives him a lascivious look from under eyelashes. My heart sinks as I realise that she already has a plan, and it probably doesn't involve me as Captain long term.

I subdue my emotions as I watch her manfully drinking the beer, her least favourite drink. I have programmed it to be synthehol. 'I don't believe that you think we ecan survive in this ship, can make it back to the alpha quadrant?' she starts.

I shrug 'the alpha quadrant doesn't hold much for us, Janeway. A planet that might accept us, or become traders. We are used to adapting' and i give a short laugh.

'with my crew, we could take a bigger ship, chakotay, one of those that will be coming to investigate the wreckage. they won't be expecting an attack. If they are peaceable [and we both know they are not] we can negotiate, if they are not, we have your ship and 2 shuttles of mine, and we can put our tactitians and engineers on. We can use the transporters of our three ships whilst their shields are down. think about it, chakotay, one of those big Kazon vessels' and I realise she has forgotten that this is the holo-adventure, and she is plotting with me, like we always used to. Like those early years where we could bounce ideas around.

I swig my beer and pretend to think long and hard about her proposal whilst she adds details and plans, as she tlks she hones the finer plan, it becomes more and more achievable. Spirits, she is good. I know this, clearly, as we wouldn't have made it home otherwise, but that was making it home the starfleet way. This, this plan of hers is all maquis. It is credible. i know I would have agreed then, and i agree now. With my seven year additional knowledge i am aware that if I don't agree i will find that B'Ella and Mike have agreed behind my back and it will be mutiny. Damn!

'ok, janeway' I put my beer down and walk towards the bridge 'give it your best shot'.

-0-0-0-

'Janeway, this is Tuvok - number one, Torres - engineer, Ayala - security , Bendera - ops, Nicoletti - comms and you know Paris - helm. These are my key players. If, and only if, this works out then we can talk about your position.' and she curls her lip at me and raises an eyebrow. 'lets talk' and i introduce the plan and Kathryn then adds to it, owning the discussion, mostly with her authoritative and well determined plan as well as well as her well honed leadership. She neither apologises for her starfleet behaviours, not does she pander to the maquis. She just accepts they have skills that she will need to utilise, and they accept that she can make this work.

Soon Torres is stalking out with an excited buzz with upgrades to deliver, Ayala and Tuvok are planning distraction attacks with the Val Jean and two runabouts. Tuvok plans to join Carey on one of the runabouts whilst Ayala stays on the Val Jean. Kathryn adds her opinion, hands waging, eyes sparking and her subtle half grin lights the room. I here the 'do it!' forcefully spoken, and it is as if the years roll away and we truly are back at the beginning of our journey. Bendera is planning the route back and will then join Kim on a runabout. Back and forth the discussion and plans have gone, with excitement and enthusiasm growing from my people to match Kathryn's own. Spirits, but I am sure that this will actually work. Well, when I have programmed a Kazon ship that is! I think Kathryn may have forgotten this aspect. I also realise that I have been nudged completely out of the frame. Ha! would she serve under me? Not a snowballs chance in hell!

I just enjoy watching her work again. Leadership, command, it is who she is. It is who I fell in love with. This has been a lesson for me too, reminding me that if we are to have a happy life, she needs to be able to do this, to be this person. Spirits but I am going to have to balance carefully my desire to protect her and our child against her recklessness. I can't trap her into domesticity, into planet side living, we need to be able to find a balance that lets her make these decisions, lets her fly and yet keeps her, our family to be safe.

I guess this time she has seven years of knowledge of most of them, she knows what makes them tick. She has seven years more command and leadership experience than the cautious but determined newly minted captain at the start of our adventure. I have removed Seska, and i am not adversarial. She wouldn't have known about the Kazon, and I am damn sure she wouldn't have so quickly decided to throw starfleet to the winds and steal a ship! well, maybe.

'so, captain' she finally refers back to me 'if we are to make this work, these are the key crewmembers of mine that will help achieve this. nicoletti, can we contact them?' at least Nicoletti waits for my nod, Kathryn has already made her way to the comms.

'janeway to fedration runabouts' she transmits on the federation secure channel.

'captain, I am pleased to hear your voice' an audibly relieved Carey.

'report' she snaps. Truly she is immersed in this holoprogramme, just as we all have been in the training holo's. I imagine Kim and Carey standing to attention - huh, be careful Kim, you might sprain something! We all hear the phaser fire and raised voices behind the report particulars, local Kazon attempting to take the voyager crew. Their position is strong, the Kazon weaponry inferior, but he is concerned that they are awaiting a ship. He also reports the increase in the caretaker's pulses. Kathryn looks at me, as we are both aware of what this means. He is slightly less reassured that she is on a maquis ship and is concerned about her safety and the general tenor of her orders. 'captain, this will put us all under maquis control!' he expostulates. Her whipcrack of command returns and she sends him her very exact orders and expects him to await her further commands, she wishes him good fortune.

We have been in this simulation some two hours and I think it is about time that we took a pause. The story seems to have come to a natural break as we make our way back to Ocampa. And seeing Kathryn in action, well... it has stirred up memories of wanting to sweep her into her ready room after she has been on fire like this, confess my undying love as i take her into my arms...

'A break Janeway, there are issues to discuss' she initially looks as if to demur, but my raised eyebrow and command tones recalls her back to this being my ship, my crew - at least for now.

-0-0-0-

'So!' spirits but she is radiating sassy, smug arrogance and I don't even need to ask the question! Would she have served under me? only for as long as it was expedient to do so!

'Dammit woman! the answer was always no wasn't it!' and i haul into my arms and kick the door to my quarters shut. No starfleet swishing doors on the Val Jean. I give her little opportunity to reply as my mouth comes down firmly on hers and i kiss the hell out of her. Spirits but I truly love this woman. We are both breathless when we break apart, and I find that my shirt and waistcoat are undone as well. 'purely maquis operation' she smirks at me. It drives me wild when she does that breathing thing, smelling me and kissing my collar bone as her hands run up my chest, one to rest behind the nape of my neck, and the other to wind under my armpit around my back.

As she kisses u my jawline to nibble again on my lips, rolling her hips against me, I console myself with the fact that she might never have served under me, but my life anyway was always going to be better with her in it. As she pushes me back towards my cot, dicvesting clothes and barking out a 'freeze programme' to the holosuite I know that as always, she is always going to come out on top.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10 - fancy flying

'Kathryn, you have to try it. Tom programmed it to give the Nova Squadron a taste of winging it' and we knock back another beer - well, beer for 'Lanna and wine spritzer, synthehol only for me. Damn the no alcohol, just when I could drink to oblivion with no red alert on the horizon, no one hundred and forty souls give or take a few to be responsible to, and no out in the hellforsaken wasteland of the delta quadrant without backup.

Rewind that, Janeway, you loved being in the delta quadrant, mostly. You loved the family made out of crew, and you love that you have all done it and survived. Get over yourself. Perhaps this is what you need, a bit of adrenaline, a bit of a rush.

'hmm, tempting! but 'Lanna can we, ummm, practice it a little first?' and I grin back at her!

'Go, Reckless!' she says back 'Kahless, but I'd love to see their faces if we outfly them!' and roars with laughter. I'm not so sure, much as we teased, Tom truly is the best flyer I have ever seen and Chakotay is no slouch, despite all those shuttle crashes.

'Hmm, then we had better have a look at this course' and 'Lanna changes the holoprogramme. I am stunned by the two sleek planes that sit on the platform ready to take off. I've not seen them before, and they are clearly a Tom and 'Lanna new design.

'something you've been playing with?' as I admire the lines

'Merlin class, top secret, hot off our design PADD' she confirms 'ultimate maneuvering, built for speed, will be shielded, high impact weaponry, can be single or dual piloted. It will replace the captain's yacht on larger ships, each will have perhaps 2 to 4 built in that will drop out for ship defence, but also for quick rescue and retrieve missions. the constitution class replacements as they roll through will have the option perhaps of up to 24 if the option is taken up.' I listen admiringly as she runs through the spec, that they are aerodynamically built for planetary use in a variety of conditions, and also can be quickly adapted for underwater use. I have no idea when she has had time to create another new design. I can see how perhaps the skeleton of this is a modification of the delta flyer. it has stripped out the crew quarters, medical area and analysis area and is minimalistic and paired down internally. Truly suitable for flight and fight. Perhaps there is something of Alice in it.

'Damnit 'Lanna!' i gripe at her, you were supposed to be resting! A month of R and R with the family. I peer eagerly at the ships before me, They are beautiful. The clean lines no doubt Tom's work, as he really does like the understated elegance even if he pretends he is a boy racer. No doubt B'elannas modifications pack a punch.

'Kathryn! as if you and the big guy were actually resting! that long weekend we all spent at Risa? you barely made it from the chalet and you sure weren't 'resting' all that time!' she gives me a very suggestive look, and I can't decide whether to smirk or frown, so my faces tries to do both, whilst my body defies me and blushes. I am looking at the Merlin yacht and thinking of my incredibly sexy new husband, and the myriad of ways we enjoyed Risa. actually, I am not sure why we bothered to go all that distance for the little we saw of the planet. 'Lanna is right!

'Hmm, well, at least we weren't working! and anyway, it was our damn honeymoon! I doubt you and Tom rested much on your honeymoon! Harry wouldn't go in the delta flyer until it had been sonically cleaned!' and we both laugh, poor Harry! he certainly got a lot of laughs out of his innocent appearance. Jenny swears he is more inventive than she had imagined, however. All those aliens.

'c'mon 'Lanna, lets take one out for a spin, you can run me through the controls' and she eyes me and chuckles that Tom's flying patter seems to have rubbed off onto everyone. I roll my eyes as I get in the closest. The sleek pared down interior belies the technological marvels. B'Elanna gives a salesman's spiel on the pull down cott from the ceiling, the transporter area, the pull out head, with privacy screen on command. The cabin contains four areas, all that can have forcefields individually applied. There is a med area, and the pull down cott also doubles as biobed if activated, and the replicator is a wonder. The whole is thermal saving, so that despite heat or cold, it should maintain temperature, and only very slowly will there be an equilibrium. 'Lanna thinks it would take up to a year to reach absolute zero.

And then the controls! she hasn't let Tom be creative, these are touch controls we are all used to. She talks about the ability to then retrofit with ancilliary neural interface. I nod, we both know the doctor will be able to invent one, and I presume 'Lanna has asked him to hurry this process along. I can't help a sigh of joy.

'Lanna slips into the copilot for our pre flight checks and I am off and away. A fairly steady lap first to know the course and then I push it the second time.

'Qapla! Better than Harry!' And I make a disdainful sniff in response. It's not as if harry is much competition, so I really push it on the third lap. I can't quite believe how competitive I feel, and a snort escapes me at my self delusion.

'more like it!' 'Lanna affirms. 'Why did you so rairly get to fly?'

'something about being the captain' I say wryly, 'but remember I saved your asses with the norvallens when they abducted seven and Tuvok' and I get a nod. I suggest we have another drink before my fourth round. I might not have made nova squadron like Tom, but I was no slouch at flying, and I put the hours in on voyager in the simulator and delta flyer.

'damnit 'Lanna but I love this flyer!' I am exhilarated! I have whirled is top speed round the course, tight turns, rolls and seat of your pants flying! It is just so responsive! I think I might be a little in love!

i look round at the silent engineer. ' 'Lanna?' And she huffs a laugh.

'Why in kahless name did you ever let Chakotay fly the shuttles! Damn but you can fly! And I can't help the grin.

'I am a bit ... reckless... with a shuttle! Anyway, you all saw me fly! When I saved your asses from that norvalen tsunkatse ship! D'you think I could take on tom? ' and suddenly we grin at each other.

'leys go again Kathryn, this time with an alien on your tail! Shake or take ' and she grins as tom-speech falls so easily from her lips.

damnit but this time is harder! I fly like the devil is on my tail whilst 'Lanna shoots some crazy imaginary laser knife thing at the following varduuar looking crafts. It slices bits of the damn ships! Unfortunately it is entirely imaginary.

we whoop and holler with every one shot down, scream and laugh at all my asteroid and debris defying spirals and by the end we are breathless with laughter and pumped with adrenaline.

'hot damn 'Lanna!' I gasp out 'this is one hell of a craft and also one hell of a training programme!' She grins back as we high five.

'A few more practice runs and we will send the boys to grethor!' And we laugh as we celebrate our friendship, our competitive spirits, our delight at being alive and finally safe, damnit! We are finally safe to enjoy family and friendship and enjoy the moment.

—-00-00—-

posted from Australia with a temporary bit of WiFi! Hope you enjoy! Comments are always very welcome.

Chapter 11: Chapter 11 - Thankfulness

-0-0-0-Chakotay-0-0-0-

I am waiting for the call. We both are in fact. Icheb and have become a well oiled machine at this. It has weighted heavy on her, and yet she has done it without complaint. We have supported her, and I am pleased she allowed us that much. I had supposed she would take the whole responsibility on her shoulders.

Waiting for this last one has affected us in different ways. I have spent some time communing with my spirit guide and reflecting on loss and life. I am reminded that these are balanced, and that it is loss that makes life so very precious. That we must all seize our moments and make the most of the time we have under the sun and stars.

She has thrown her energy into collating and ordering all the information, holoimages and testimonials into a beautiful whole and has had that embedded into the Voyager pin as well as PADD format. Images of laughter, friendship, reflection. We knew her for such a short while, but that last month, her only month with us, was lived fully. It was a headfirst dive into life, a grasping of the day with fervour. Kathryn has delivered that celebration.

This is the last of them. it has taken the family a while to come from Bajor. Kathryn had offered to go there at the end of our mission to Chintoka, as Marika's mother is approaching the end of her days. She had refused. She wanted to see what had been so important to her daughter, and meet some of the people that had cared for her in her second life.

Depending on the family numbers, Kathryn either has a ready room holoprogramme, or the mess - with more comfortable seating to meet in. Today it is the mess, and it is also perhaps one of the most difficult bereavement meetings yet, he thinks.

They follow something of an offered formula, a glimpse of Voyager in the setting the lost crewmember had used - here not really an option, an initial condolences and summary by the captain, a meeting with either team or close friends mediated by captain, and then an opportunity to review together images and a handing over of redacted logs, images, the voyager pin, again with the captain. Finally the option of visiting a recreation of quarters. Some have declined all of this, some have met Kathryn in an office, but all the later losses have met this way to feel the belonging.

This Voyager holoprogramme is the most accurate made of our Voyager. All crew have had free access to the basic programme to update and add the features that mattered to them. most crew quarters were accurate from holorecords for the deceased, but the others have been recreated lovingly. Quite a few friendship groups choose to meet here when needing decompression from either debrief or alpha quadrant, or just to remember and help adjust. Kathryn added to all the doors opportunity to add messages and images of the crewman who lived there. Slowly, as the records are declassified, additional programme elements can be toggled 'on' in the different rooms - so macroviruses sweep down one of the corridors, the bridge crew re-enact a battle with the Borg or review an astronomical phenomenon, the briefing room has us discussing dilithium, planets andmorale, the mess hall can be toggled to Neelix cooking, or to diplomacy and the cargo bay can be toggled to be in Borg mode etc. We all know that eventually this programme will be released so that it is available as a learning tool of our voyages.

However, for now, it is just for the crew and their relatives, including these meetings. A starfleet counsellor is available. But this is Marika, a short term migrant with us, lost at Wolf in the battle with the Borg, freed in the delta quadrant to find us, crippled by Seven's borg driven needs and requiring a treatment that led to a shortened lifespan. Kathryn has offered a mediated talk with Seven about life in the Borg collective, but not the specifics of their interaction, that is locked.

The call comes, and I go to escort the family to the holosuite whilst Icheb makes sure Kathryn is ready, has everything in place and then will key in the various appartment codes to be activated for her comfort on return. He joins her there. They had debated having someone else in support, but Icheb was adamant that his presence would be helpful to Seven and the family as well as Kathryn. I am slightly wary.

I meet them, clearly a starfleet bereaved family. Mother and matriarch helped by two sons and their spouses. Two are in Bajoran military outfits. I stand at attention for them before introducing myself. Our walk to the holosuite is peppered by questions on the maquis, how someone in the maquis could bear to join with starfleet, the antipathy clear. Starfleet that lost for them their daughter and her husband. I try to answer honestly. Honestly, probably only Kathryn could have done it. She was the right captain for the mission, a combination of all the skills required to see us home. She had the integrity of principle that we could trust.

As planned, I confirm with Icheb that we are shortly to arrive and that he has their requested refreshments ready, using the code that means trouble.

the holosuite doors sweep open, and I lead them to where the Captain stands waiting. It is our mess hall, with the stars sweeping past at warp. Kathryn is formally dressed and posed. She takes my introduction and greets them with a traditional Bajoran non religious blessing. I see them sit before I quietly exit. Icheb is barely noticeable, sitting to the side ready to provide assistance. Tensions run high with family debriefs, so protocol has that there must be another present. Usually an ensign, but it soothes Kathryn for it to be Icheb, for us truly to be managing this as a family.

Leaving the comfort of voyager's mess to end in a bland starfleet HQ corridor is always disorienting. I wonder if voyager will always feel to be home. Just entering the holosuite when programmed as voyager has me relax. Spirits help us find that home here on Earth, or Dorvan, or both. We need to start to part ourselves from Voyager too.

The room next door to the holosuite has Seven, B'Elanna, Jor, Tabor, Celes and Gerron waiting. The last 4 attempted to make a friendship group, a re-acquaintance with ceremonies and beliefs long unobserved. They will review images, and sit whilst Marika's voice is once more heard in her statement of finality. We were unable to provide a real time conversation with her family in the short time we had left so she recorded what she wanted to say publicly, and then privately.

Two hours passes, with us working on PADDS, chatting about how settling in is going, I am concerned. I com Icheb asking if the guests are wishing to meet other members of the team. A polite reminder to all that time moves onwards. I get the Captain in response. Stand down Seven and B'Elanna and escort the others in. Damn. That means she needs me, not a bad thing for me, but... this one should have been easier, the death not on her conscience, she has been the mechanism by which the family can hear their daughter again.

-0-0-0-

Damn, when I open the holodeck doors and usher in the quartet that spent the most time with Marika I can see that Kathryn is as close to the end of her professional composure as I have ever seen her. Icheb looks shaken.

'Ah, commander! would you mind seeing our son safely home and then returning' she says carefully. I nod and escort Icheb out, calling for Seven and Sam as we leave the holosuite.

We sit in the waiting area for them as he debriefs me. So, pretty bad. They blame starfleet for Marika's loss, the loss of the germline with her loss. As a matrilineal society, the loss of her only daughter is the end of her family line. They blame Kathryn for releasing Seven from the collective to thrive, and not doing the same for Marika. He is shaken. They saw him as Borg, as responsible for the collective, his presence an insult rather than an offer of explanation. Mom protected him, adaant in her explanation that he was assimilated as a child, freed from a maturation chamber, never truly Borg.

Remembering, he is shaking, their antipathy something that he just hasn't been used to. He has been protected by the love of our family, and how well judged Kathryn's passionate adoption has been for him. The wider earth family of love and laughter, young cousins that admire him, Gretchen to spoil him, Phoebe to tease and keep him off balance. He is protected by the Voyager family, Starfleet has protected him, in a class full of cadets of multiple species, some with natural antipathies to other cadets, starfleet protocol and training initially is aimed at ironing out these prejudices, forcing cadets to see each other as individuals, as starfleet and not as representatives of the people. To see themselves also as individuals and starfleet, rather than representatives of their peoples. Spirits save me, but understanding hits me, this is my son! It is an overwhelming feeling. He is my son! Not just the child of his mother, not just a child I have agreed to provide fatherly support for. Overwhelmed by the realisation I take him into my arms. He resists and then allows himself to be enfolded as I comfort him. Resistance is indeed futile. He is my son! When did we pass that threshold? When did my heart make that commitment?

I reassure him of our love, his place with us, that we had not anticipated this difficult meeting today, the level of antipathy. I apologise for the meeting. I realise that I am also apologising for so much more, that we didn't provide him properly with family on Voyager, that we were so keen to get home and get him home that we nearly got him killed. I apologise that my mistaken dalliance disrupted his relationship with is foster mother. I swear to him that I am truly now his father in my spirit not just in words and hope, if he will accept me. And he does. The bear hug we share is a promise. The bond is made. I whisper the words of my fathers to welcome him into my heart and my tribe. The words usually spoken at the birth of a son. I will speak them aloud when we visit Dorvan, and I will mean them.

That is how Seven and Sam find us. Enfolded into each other, comforting. I release Icheb and nod at him.

'let me go support your mother, will you be OK?' and at his nod I leave, but fatherhood is not so lightly shrugged off. i turn back and he waves me on.

'dad, I'll be fine. comm me, when you are ready.' I nod my agreement. This time, the after debrief time will be not just for myself and Kathryn, but for our family of three.

-0-0-0-

Kathryn and I are left alone in the mess, as Marika's family are escorted out by her closest Voyager friends. They have held a Bajoran observance for the lost together, and talked through Marika's return to faith and her resignation to fate in those last days. The family have toured Voyager, and reviewed images capturing Marika's time with us, all of which they have taken away. She tells me that they have found some measure of peace in her last month, that she died firm in her faith and will be kept with the prophets. They were reassured that we had Bajoran crewmembers who could lead the death chant and thanked her for allowing her that grace.

'Damnit Chakotay!' she finally cries 'I wish I could have brought her home. I wish I could have brought them all home to their families'

Now, now it is quiet and I draw Kathryn to me.

'it's done my love, the last of the losses.' she is still in my arms. A deep breath and she moves, breaks away from me and attempts a smile.

'the last' and she rests her forehead again against me for a moment before moving free. 'Icheb?'

I smile, 'fine, I think. We talked. He said to call when you were finished'

she nods, still mostly in the past, contemplating Marika, loss, and decisions that are now made.

I am honoured to be able to give this woman shelter in my arms.

'Kathryn?' I query.

'let's go find our son, and celebrate what we have while we still have it' she says firmly with a shake of her head, moving herself on. I follow her confident stride from the holodeck, I turn around at the doors to look again at Voyager as it was, preserved in this holoprogramme

'shamusay, Voyager.' I murmur, while she quirks a smile at my thanking the image of our home.

Thinking of the Bajoran family and their rituals, rituals that bind a people and comfort them, I think it is time that I teach developed some of our rituals for Kathryn and Icheb. Unlike the Bajoran's, our rituals are spiritual rather than religious, and we have many that thank and accept those in our lives who are important. After all our hardships, I would like to spend part of the day with my family as we connect giving thanks for all that we have gained.

My family.

I have a lot to be thankful for.