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A week ago, George called Micah ‘Papa’ for the first time. Since then, he’s called Micah that in private a couple of times, and his father doesn’t seem to mind the name. In fact, sometimes Micah even smiles when George calls him ‘Papa’. So, when George says it in public, he doesn’t think anything of it.
“Hi, Papa,” he says, wandering over to where Micah sits on a rock near the hitching posts. Charles and Arthur are nearby, Charles grooming Taima and Arthur carrying haybales back and forth.
But George forgot something important: his father is Micah Bell, a man who has no idea how to be a parent, and a hair-trigger temper.
Micah flinches, almost cutting his thumb with his knife before putting it away. He stares at George, eyes widening. When he sees Arthur and Charles looking at them, Micah stands up, looking down at George, who takes a step backwards.
“Did I do something wrong?” George says, suddenly aware of the awful tension in the air.
And Micah, the father he didn’t even know he had less than a fortnight ago, sneers at him.
---
Pathetic embarrassment eating away at him, Micah glares at the boy. Being called such a sappy name in private was one thing, but Arthur and Charles heard George say it. He can’t deal with people thinking he’s gone soft just because he acknowledged the boy’s existence. He isn’t weak… weakness gets you hurt, as Micah knows from bitter personal experience.
“Don’t call me that,” Micah snarls.
“But, but I thought you—”
“Shut up!” Micah says, his hands trembling. For a second, he wants to raise a hand and smack George across the face, but memories of his childhood self (sobbing when his father yelled, before getting cuffed around the head for crying) hold him back. “Just leave me alone, kid!”
Sighing, he storms away before Arthur and Charles hurry over, wishing he could stop the infuriating guilt twisting in his stomach.
---
Watching Micah stalk off after that sudden outburst, Charles glances at Arthur. His friend stares back, both men torn between comforting George and beating the shit out of his father.
“I’ll deal with Micah,” Arthur says. “Why don’t you check on the boy?”
Charles looks down at George, who begins to cry, tears trickling down his cheeks. The poor thing rubs his eyes with the backs of his hands, sniffling and staring down at his feet.
“Good idea,” Charles says. He struggles with comforting children, but Charles must try.
As Arthur hurtles off after Micah, Charles approaches the boy. George doesn’t look at him, too busy trying to hide his obvious tears.
“George?” Charles whispers, grateful that the rest of camp haven’t noticed the disturbance (he can’t imagine that George would like the whole gang to see him like this).
Georg turns around, glancing up at him. He doesn’t respond, his expression wary, like he expects to be yelled at any second.
“Would you like a hug?” Charles asks.
The boy sniffles, staring up at him with tears sparkling in his green eyes. He and George haven’t spoken much since George came to camp, but Charles is already fond of the boy. And the sight of George crying because his father hurt his feelings breaks Charles’ heart.
“Y-Yes, please,” George mumbles.
Charles kneels down in front of George, holding out his arms. Remembering that he always hated being hugged without permission as a kid, Charles waists for George to make the first move. Sure enough, the boy steps closer, before grabbing Charles’ shirt and burying his head into Charles’ chest.
“I dunno what I did wrong,” George says, voice muffled.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, George,” Charles says. From what he heard, George just walked over to his father and called Micah his ‘Papa’. And then Micah completely lost it. He doesn’t know why Micah flipped out and he doesn’t really care; right now, caring for George is all that matters. “Don’t think about him. Just try to calm down.”
George sniffs, surely getting snot and saliva all over Charles’ shirt, but he doesn’t care. Unsure of what else to do, Charles just lets George hug him, furious at Micah for making his son cry.
---
In the woods outside camp, Micah paces back and forth, hands clenched into trembling fists. He knows he shouldn’t have shouted at the boy, but it’s too late now. Micah just couldn’t cope with Arthur and Charles staring at him like that. Normally, yelling at people doesn’t do anything to him, so why does he feel so sick and guilty after shouting at George?
But Micah doesn’t get much time to dwell on his emotions, because heavy footsteps signal the arrival of a person.
“Micah!” Arthur says, storming over.
Micah sighs. Why did it have to be Arthur who followed him? He always feels so goddamn awkward around the man he has pathetic feelings for—feelings that will never be requited, not that Micah wants them to.
“Yes, Morgan?” Micah says, hands on his gunbelt as he reclines back against a tree. He smooths all signs of his internal conflict from his face, sneering at the man he loves Arthur freaking Morgan.
“Don’t look at me like that, you asshole,” Arthur says. “What the hell was that back there?”
Micah raises his eyebrows. “What was what?”
Arthur steps closer, grabbing Micah by the lapels of his coat. “You know what I mean! Why’d you yell at the boy like that?”
“’Cause he annoyed me,” Micah snaps. “Besides, my daddy did far worse than yell at me, and I turned out fine.” Micah swallows hard, infuriatingly distracted by thoughts of Arthur pinning him to the tree and kissing him.
Arthur sighs, something close to pity crossing his face. “Micah… no offense, but you didn’t turn out fine, did you?”
Eyes widening, Micah hisses, “What the fuck was that, Morgan?”
Letting go of Micah’s coat, Arthur raises both hands defensively. “Sorry, sorry, that came out wrong. I just meant… the way your father raised you…” He sighs. “D’you wanna raise your son the way he raised you? ‘Cause if your father was anythin’ like mine, I’d wanna avoid turnin’ out like him.”
Micah flinches, wanting to punch Arthur across the face. But at the same time… he agrees with Arthur’s words. Micah never wanted to be a father, mostly because he didn’t want the effort of raising a child, but also because, deep down, he feared turning into his father. Because Micah Bell III is a bad man, but he’s nothing like his father. And the idea of becoming his father genuinely made Micah feel sick when he thought about it.
And here, right now, with a child he never asked for, Micah can’t help but wonder if he’ll turn into his father. What if he keeps yelling until George cowers whenever he sees him, or Micah gets angry enough to strike the boy? What if George grows up terrified of the man who should keep him safe, or celebrates when Micah dies? His heart rate increasing, Micah turns his head, sighing.
He knows Arthur is right, that his childhood was a disaster, but… Micah still struggles to admit that his father was abusive. However, there is one thing he and Arthur can agree on: Micah doesn’t have to turn out like his father.
“You okay?” Arthur says and Micah realizes he was staring into space.
Clearing his throat, Micah mumbles, “Guess so.”
“Look, Micah, I know we ain’t friends. But… I know what it’s like to have a shitty father, and how hard it is to look after a kid, and the crushin’ fear that you’re doomed to turn out like your daddy.” Arthur sighs, and Micah knows Arthur refers to the son he lost (and Micah suddenly finds himself thinking about George dying, and his stomach cramps with terror before he calms himself, because it was only a goddamn thought) sometime before he and Micah even met. “But you don’t have to be like him. Hosea told me abuse is like a circle, of a man hurtin’ his son, who grows up to hurt his son, and so on. But you can break the circle and stop all that. Your kid don’t have to suffer like you did.”
Micah stares at Arthur, hating how well Arthur read his face. He puffs out a long, wheezing breath. “Such a smartass, ain’t you, Morgan?”
Arthur rolls his eyes. “Thanks for the compliment, sweetheart,” he says, smirking as he mimics the way Micah always puts emphasis on his final word.
“Shut up,” Micah mutters, detesting the way his chest fluttered when Arthur called him ‘sweetheart’.
“So, are you gonna make things up to the boy? Or are you gonna become your father?”
Micah flinches, forcing a sneer as he stares at Arthur. If anyone else talked to him like that, Micah would hit them (or, if they weren’t in the gang, he would straight-up shoot them). But with Arthur… Micah and his pathetic feelings for the bastard don’t want to injure Arthur Morgan. Sighing, Micah snaps, “Don’t compare me to that bastard.”
“Well don’t act like him, then,” Arthur says. “Look, I ain’t sayin’ this to be cruel for the sake of it, Micah. I just want you to get your head outta your ass and accept that, no matter how he came into your life or how you feel about him, that poor boy just wants a relationship with his papa.”
Micah gulps as Arthur says the word ‘papa’, the very word that set Micah off to begin with when George called Micah that in front of Arthur and Charles. He knows he overreacted, but Micah Bell III has never been good at controlling his anger. But… but his anger issues shouldn’t have to be the kid’s problem.
When Micah doesn’t respond, Arthur says, “And if you hurt that boy again, I’ll beat you black and blue, Bell.”
His eyes widening, Micah knows Arthur’s words are more than an empty threat. He sighs again, folding his arms across his chest. “Okay, okay, I get the message.” Not wanting to admit that Arthur is correct—that Micah doesn’t want to be like his horrible father—Micah swallows back the guilt he still feels over hurting George’s feelings, and says, “Can you bring him here?”
“The boy?”
Who else, you moron?! Micah almost snaps, instead managing to say, “Yeah. I wanna talk to him.”
Arthur’s frown softens into an almost friendly smile, and he gives Micah a light slap on the arm. “To apologize?”
Micah nods. “Obviously.”
“Okay, then. I’ll be back soon.”
And Arthur walks back to camp, leaving Micah alone amongst the trees, his guts cramping as he tries to think of a way to say sorry for what might be the first time in his life.
---
After finally managing to stop crying, George stands beside Charles at the hitching posts, feeding Taima an oatcake as Charles continues grooming his horse. Incredibly grateful for Charles’ cuddle when he cried, George pats Taima on the nose before glancing up at Charles, smiling. Charles sees him staring, giving George a soft smile in return.
“Oh, there you are, boy,” Arthur says from behind him, and George turns his head to watch Arthur approaching him and Charles. “I went to see your dumbass father.”
George doesn’t take the insult personally, agreeing that Micah Bell is a big dumb idiot after making George cry. “You didn’t hurt him, did you?” he asks. Because George might be upset with his papa, but he doesn’t want to see Micah in pain.
“No, of course I didn’t. We just talked.”
“About what?” George says.
“About what he said to you. He said he wants to see you,” Arthur says.
“Is that a good idea?” Charles asks.
Arthur nods. “I think so, yeah. I threatened to beat him up if he’s rude to George again.”
George giggles, pretty certain that Arthur is joking.
Even Charles chuckles. “Good idea. But you don’t need to go if you don’t want to,” he says, handing Taima a sugar cube when his horse tries to chew his collar.
“Thanks,” George says, grateful that Charles is looking out for him even after his tears stopped, “but… I think I’ll go.”
“Okay, then,” Arthur says, offering George his hand. “Come with me, boy.”
Smiling, George takes Arthur’s hand, letting Arthur lead him into the woods around Horseshoe Overlook. They soon stumble across Micah, who leans against a tree, running his fingers over nearly-healed scabs on his split knuckles.
“I brought your kid,” Arthur says to Micah, putting a hand on George’s shoulder. “Remember what I told you, Bell.”
“Yes, yes, I’ll be on my best behavior,” Micah drawls, his hands now fiddling with his neckerchief. “You gonna leave now, or are you gonna spy on us like a creep, Morgan?”
Arthur rolls his eyes, patting George’s back to encourage the boy to step closer. When George stares up at him, Arthur nods, and George trusts Arthur’s belief that Micah won’t be mean to him again. So even though his tummy feels tight when he looks at his father, the man who yelled at him until George cried only half an hour ago, George steps towards him.
“I’m okay, Arthur,” George says.
Patting George on the head, Arthur nods. “Okay. See you later.”
And Arthur walks away, leaving George with his papa. Micah doesn’t look at him, his twitchy hands now adjusting the brim of his big hat.
“Um…” George murmurs, not sure what to do.
Micah clears his throat, suddenly very interested in the leaves on a low hanging branch a few feet away. And them, so quietly that George almost doesn’t hear him, Micah mumbles, “Sorry… I didn’t… I shouldn’t have…” He sighs, stumbling over his words like George does whenever he gets nervous. “I’m sorry for yellin’ at you, George,” Micah finally says, his voice still extremely awkward despite managing to speak without stammering.
George has never heard such an awkward apology in his life, and he wonders if that was Micah’s first attempt at one. Either way, in the relatively short time they’ve known each other, George never expected Micah Bell to apologize to anyone for anything. Even if Arthur put Micah up to this, George didn’t think Micah would actually say sorry for yelling at his son.
“You… you can call me Papa, kid,” Micah continues. Sighing, Micah hesitates before kneeling down to George’s height. “I dunno how to be a father. Probably the worst papa you could think of.” He chuckles weakly. “But I ain’t gonna stop you callin’ me that.”
“Thank you,” George mumbles. “Can I hug you?”
Micah stares at him, glancing around, before sighing. “Oh, fine…” he says, but George can tell he doesn’t really mind.
Stepping closer, George gives his father a gentle cuddle, pressing the side of his head against Micah’s chest. He wraps his arms around Micah’s back, clinging to his papa. Micah lets a hand touch George’s back, awkwardly holding the boy against him.
“I really dunno what I’m doin’, George,” Micah says, putting his other hand on George’s head, ruffling the boy’s hair. “But… but that ain’t your fault.” His voice shaking a little, Micah mumbles, “I just don’t wanna become my father.”
“What d’you mean?” George asks, worried that Papa might get upset. “What was your papa like?”
Micah sighs, and when he finally responds, George has a feeling that Micah leaves out a lot of information from his story. “A bad man. Worse than me, and that’s sayin’ somethin’. But that ain’t important. Look… I’m gonna mess this up. A lot. But I wanna try… to, to be better than him,” Micah says, the tremor in his voice getting worse, and when George glances at his face, he sees Micah’s bottom lip twitching.
George stares at his father, smiling as he says, “Papa… if you’re saying all this, then aren’t you already better than him?”
He thought he was just stating the obvious, but Micah’s eyes widen like George said the smartest thing ever. His lip twitching harder, Micah bites down on it.
Worried, George says, “Papa?”
Dragging in a shaky breath, Micah stops biting his lip, the skin bright red from his teeth digging in. When George rests his head on Micah’s chest again, his father’s heartbeat drums against his ribs.
Micah lets out a wobbly chuckle, patting George’s back. “Thanks, kid. That… that means a lot.”
George doesn’t understand Micah’s reaction, but he decides it doesn’t matter. So, he just leans against Micah, glad his father is starting to open up to him.