Archive of Our Own ^beta

Like most things, it all started with a wedding. On a beautiful spring afternoon, two of Chenle's best friends got married. They had many happy tears shed, many beautiful speeches, and a lot of happiness overall. It was as every wedding is supposed to be, and like every wedding, most of the guests got drunk and one of the grooms — Donghyuck— insisted on throwing the bouquet. 

Perhaps the relationship between drunk people and a bouquet is not very clear, but in Chenle's view, they have become intertwined in such a profound way, that all his associations of the wedding reach there. Donghyuck threw the bouquet, and Chenle couldn't have cared less, some of Renjun's cousins were huddled in front of the space that the Lee was going to throw the bouquet, but Chenle was sitting peacefully drinking his whiskey and not caring at all about the commotion over the bouquet and the "good luck" that came with it. 

Donghyuck threw the bouquet a little hard, going through the audience ready to want a little luck in love, and falling directly into Chenle's arms. Maybe not directly, but when the bouquet of yellow flowers came very close to his face, the Zhong caught it with his free hand out of pure instinct. 

Donghyuck let out an excited squeal, one that Chenle had no idea why, and all the people who really wanted the bouquet let out unhappy noises. 

Chenle didn't know what to do with the bouquet, he had never been superstitious so he obviously didn't believe that he would get lucky in love because of a bunch of flowers, much less that he would get married in the future just because he took one, but the feeling of having picked the bouquet caused him something that to this day he doesn't know what it meant. 

He searched Jeno with his eyes, a habit as natural as breathing for him, and in a slightly ironic way, he raised his glass with a sideways smile and a silent toast. Chenle rolled his eyes, and without much thought put the bouquet on the table. 

Chenle doesn't do well with relationships, much less want a wedding, and it wouldn't be a stupid bouquet thrown by his best friend that would change that. Still, looking back at Jeno, a part of him may have longed for the action to mean something, a very small and secret part, but a part nonetheless.

All things escalated very quickly after Chenle picked up the bouquet. He got rid of his jacket, and the dance floor began to fill up. Mark and Jaemin showed up with a cat and went to the hotel room an hour after they had started dancing and drinking for real, with their little daughter, Yeojin, sleeping peacefully in Jaemin's embrace, with her messy hair and pouting, as if the music wasn't super loud. Donghyuck and Renjun were being gross, rubbing up against each other as they danced, clearly drunk now that they no longer had to take pictures with the guests and receive congratulations. Jisung was also a little drunk, and Jeno was without his best man jacket and with his shirt sleeve up, showing off the tattoos on his wrist. 

Chenle was drunk, but in a relatively sober way because he could think and walk like a normal person, fully aware of his actions. Renjun and Donghyuck left the party itself at some point, probably going to enjoy themselves in their newlywed suite. Their wedding took place in a hotel, so some guests had their rooms for the night. 

Chenle decided he wanted to sleep, so he also went to his room a little too groggy and cheerful. For some reason, he picked up the damn bouquet on the table, taking it to his room. On the way to the elevator, Jeno ran to him to catch up, he was a little sweaty and his tie was almost completely loose, his hair combed back with gel was a mess, but Chenle couldn't help but think how beautiful he looked. 

Jeno was always gorgeous, from when they were sixteen until now when he's a grown, muscular man. Chenle has always, always, thought he was the most handsome man he has ever met, but at some point, that thought became a forbidden whisper, so he rarely allows himself to think that Jeno is beautiful. But now he's drunk, so he can. 

"What? You don't want to stay at the party without me?" Chenle asks amused, pressing the elevator button and leaning against the wall while waiting for it. 

Jeno smiles at him, in a way that reveals that he knows Chenle is being annoying on purpose. He also looks a little drunk, with a slightly red face and soft eyes. 

"Jisung won't stop dancing anytime soon, and I've had my fill of partying for today," he answers, sounding a little more lethargic than Chenle. "How does it feel to know that the luck of love is with you?" He raises his eyebrow, staring specifically at the bouquet. 

"I don't feel so lucky, to be honest," Chenle shrugs, smiling not quite knowing why. Jeno just makes him want to smile more than usual. "Maybe I'll just get a good fuck and that's the luck the bouquet will bring me." 

Jeno laughs softly, also leaning on the wall. 

"What do you have against finding love? Technically fate is already on your side, sending you the bouquet and all." Chenle could make a joke, or say that Jeno is almost the same as him, seeing how many boyfriends he has had in the last years, but he just shrugs. 

"I just don't feel that I will meet someone who will make me want to be in a serious relationship," Chenle answers. "Maybe you'll be my door to love," he jokes, but Jeno doesn't laugh, he just stares at Chenle in a way that changes the atmosphere between them, and the Zhong can feel it in every fibre of his body. 

With Jeno, it's almost always like this. They go out alone a lot, and Jeno is his best friend, but he is different from all the others because what Chenle has with Jeno, is beyond what he has with his other friends. When they’re together, it doesn't take long before something they say opens the door to this tension that haunts them everywhere. This tension has been haunting them since high school, and instead of disappearing, they just learned how to deal with it, as if it were an unbearable insect that they ignore the noise. 

They never do anything about it, but it's always there, and Chenle knows that in order for it to stop existing, they just need to stop with the suggestive phrases, but then it wouldn't be them, and everything would seem too calculated. The suggestiveness is part of their relationship; Chenle flirts with Jeno, Jeno flirts with Chenle, and they stare at each other sometimes with not at all chaste looks, but they don't make anything about them, because that would be crossing a line that Chenle drew for them years ago. 

Jeno has learned to deal with that line, and in return, Chenle has promised to never let their dynamic really interfere in their relationship. They are best friends, good friends, who have learned with time and age to ignore the tension tied to them as a part of themselves, Chenle has gotten used to wanting Jeno knowing he won't have him, and he's fine with that. Almost always, at least. 

The elevator arrives, letting out a soft bell, and the two enter it without saying another word. Although they are always together, Chenle and Jeno avoid at all costs being near each other when they are drunk, because they get extremely impulsive, and the last time, they ended up fighting. 

The last time was three years ago, when they were still in college, and from then on they both started to keep their distance from each other when they drank. But now they are drunk, in an elevator, and Chenle has allowed himself to think about Jeno's beauty. 

He presses the button on his floor, and Jeno presses the button on his, and from opposite sides, they lean against the elevator wall. Jeno stares at him, and Chenle swings his bouquet with his hand like a nervous tic, feeling the magnetism of his body pulling him toward Jeno's as if he were gravity and Chenle couldn't help but go toward him. He knows what Jeno's gaze means, and normally he wouldn't look at him that way, so freely, but they are drunk and impulsive. 

"What about a good fuck?" Jeno asks quietly, and Chenle feels his legs go weak with his tone of voice. 

"What?"

"You said the bouquet won't bring you love, but maybe a good fuck," he says, "I may not be the promise of love, but what about a good fuck? " 

Chenle thinks that they should sober up and that the elevator door should open because he won't be able to think straight with Jeno suggesting what he’s suggesting. And Chenle knows that it's going to be a good fuck, he knew it when they were seventeen and awkward and rushed, so now he's sure that Jeno is going to be a good fucking fuck. 

"Are you going to fight with me afterwards?" Chenle asks genuinely because if Jeno is going to act like last time, Chenle would rather not risk it, even though his whole body is singing for Jeno's touch, as if his were the song of a siren trying to charm him. 

"Technically I am offering you, even though I know your idea of what we should be," Jeno says, and there is no acidity in his voice as if he's already resigned to what Chenle expects of them. 

"Thank you for offering me your dick, you're so kind and caring," Chenle scoffs because it's the only thing he can do without looking like an idiot. 

Jeno is so attractive that he makes Chenle look pathetic, and it annoys him that over the years, instead of his attraction to him fading away, it has only increased. Maybe everyone is right because what is forbidden is definitely more addicting. 

"Yes or no, Chenle?" Jeno asks. 

And it's an obvious answer, because Chenle is a fool when it comes to Jeno, and he would go against all his rules to test a piece of him, breaking the only promise he made to Jeno years ago. Chenle doesn't want to think about why this is happening now, and not years before, but he'd rather imagine it's because they're drunk and euphoric over their best friend's wedding, and maybe they want to feel close to someone after so much romance hanging in the air, or maybe it really is the luck of the bouquet. 

"Yes." He takes a short breath, and that's all Jeno needs to get off the elevator wall. 

In a matter of seconds, Jeno is holding his waist and Chenle's arms are around his broad shoulders, they face each other, and their eyes reveal so many things that it's scary to know that what he is seeing in Jeno's eyes, is a reflection of what is in his. 

Everything seems exposed in that second, the desire they have been hiding for years now, the attraction, the buried pain, the forbidden confession and the promise that is about to be broken. 

All the tension attached to their shadows then explodes, and Jeno is kissing him fiercely. His tongue invades Chenle's mouth, and his hand goes down to squeeze his ass, and they become a mess of little sighs, saliva, and wet sounds. 

The elevator door opens, and they rush to Chenle's room, not even caring if some acquaintance will see the two of them entering the same room. He closes the door, throwing the bouquet on the floor, and Jeno is pressing him against it, lifting him onto his body, and Chenle finds him so hot that he lets out an embarrassing whimper. 

They continue kissing, and in a few minutes, he can see all the various tattoos on Jeno's body, as well as the stupid piercing in his belly button, lying on the soft mattress in the bedroom with Jeno on top of him, looking more beautiful than ever. Perfect, as if he had stepped out of Chenle's dreams. 

"You’re so gorgeous," Jeno murmurs against his mouth, and Chenle knows that they shouldn't be in this situation. But he doesn't care now, he just wants Jeno for the rest of the night and for the world to stop, so that tomorrow, they don't have to face the consequences of their actions. 

"The bouquet was right," Chenle answers between his gasps, "It is a good fuck." 

Jeno smiles smugly, and hits a very specific point in Chenle, making him lose his head a little more. It's wrong, but at the same time, it's addictive like a drug, leading both of them to an epiphany capable of making them fly. 

They finish what they started, and Chenle goes to sleep soon after, not caring about the possible conversation they should have. 

The next day, Jeno is no longer in his room and the only evidence of what happened last night are the several marks on Chenle's body and a dull ache. He meets Jeno at breakfast time, and they go back to where they were before last night. 

They never talk about what happened or touch the subject, and they remain sober, not crossing the line again. 

This promise is kept until two months later, on Donghyuck's 25th birthday. 

— — — 

Chenle thinks that his best friends should stop getting married. 

Ok, maybe that part is a lie, he loves to see his friends getting married, but having Jaemin drag him to food tastings is not something he finds very fun. Renjun definitely seems to be enjoying himself, but maybe it's just because he likes to be in charge of things, and being Jaemin's best man gives him the freedom to be bossy and controlling. 

Mark and Jaemin have been engaged for seven months, and their wedding will take place in six months. Renjun and Donghyuck have been married for a little over a year, and now Renjun thinks that because of this, he has become a master at arranging weddings. 

Chenle shouldn't be here, he probably has more important things to do than to help Jaemin choose the wedding menu, but he had to replace Jisung last minute, so he has to eat things that his parents used to order at the restaurant when he was younger. 

"This is so boring," Chenle comments, drinking water once more to cleanse his palate. 

"It's free food, stop complaining," Renjun grumbles. 

"I'm rich, free food makes no difference to me," he retorts, receiving a pinch from Renjun, his gold wedding ring glistening on his finger. 

"This is the last time I’ll drag you into something about the wedding, I promise," Jaemin says, but Chenle doesn't even believe it because he has said that the last few times too. 

"You said this at the cake tasting, at the drinks tasting, and when you were choosing Mark's wedding ring," Chenle replies, "And I'm not even your best man!" 

"It's not my fault that you are your own boss and can accompany me," Jaemin retorts, "And Renjun goes to all the important things with me, so you're just my supportive friend." 

"I'm not even in the help group on your side of the wedding," Chenle grumbles, because technically Chenle is in Mark's help group, which makes him have to see wedding stuff with Mark as well. "Jeno and Jisung should follow you, not me. Are you by any chance expecting me to drop something about the suit and ring that Mark picked out for you?" 

"No, that's bad luck," Jaemin quickly denies it. "I just want your opinion, you know that Renjun needs someone who can melt his heart when he disagrees with me." 

That Chenle believes, besides Donghyuck, Chenle is probably the only person who can overcome Renjun's stubbornness. While Donghyuck succeeds through his husbandly tricks, Chenle succeeds by being annoying. 

"If you had chosen me as best man, none of this would have happened," Chenle retorts, although he didn't really want to be the best man. "And you and Mark took the second best option, at my wedding my best man will be Mark and Jisung, which means you just ruined my wedding, Jaemin." It's not really a rule, but Mark, Jisung and Chenle were the only ones who didn't get to be best man, so if one of them gets married, they're obligated to call the other two remaining to be the best man.

"Funny that you are talking about marriage, what happened to your plan to live in a mansion with a dog and totally alone?" Renjun asks, raising his eyebrow petulantly. Chenle thinks that he became like this after he started dating Donghyuck as if he had passed on his petulance to his husband. "Has someone managed to change your mind, Zhong Chenle?" He asks, and Chenle can tell that both Renjun and Jaemin are leaning over the table curiously as if they know something he doesn't. 

"Yes, your mom." 

"Fuck you," Renjun says, giving him another pinch that makes him let out a scream. 

"You're worse than Yeojin, and she's four years old," Jaemin says, stuffing a piece of food into his mouth. 

"I miss when my Jinjin didn't go to school and went everywhere with us, I could use the excuse of going out for some air with her and get away from all this boredom," Chenle says dramatically, stuffing another piece of food into his mouth, he doesn't know why the difference in pasta sauces should make such a difference. 

"She loves kindergarten," Jaemin says with a smile that he dedicates only to his daughter, with adoration so palpable that it makes Chenle almost choke. "I won't lie, it's a pain in the ass to be without her all day." 

"You say this because you are a doting dad," Renjun retorts, and Chenle doesn't even point out the fact that he and Donghyuck are probably going to be worse with their future little devils. Chenle thinks they're going to be great parents, and they will all love their child with unwavering strength, the same way they love Yeojin. Thinking about his friends getting married and having children makes Chenle feel old. 

"Shut up, Renjun," Jaemin retorts easily. "Do you think I should send Taehyun an invitation?"  

Taehyun. Jeno's boyfriend for six months. 

Chenle doesn't hate him, in fact, he finds Taehyun extremely sweet and kind, and maybe Chenle hates the fact that he has no reason to hate him. He wanted to feel anger at the boy, which was a painful reminder that, as expected, Jeno will always consider anything that exists between him and Chenle an easily erased irrelevance, but he can't, so Chenle is stuck on liking Jeno's boyfriend. 

Jeno has obviously dated many people, some dubious, some not so much, and some that Chenle really liked and had a certain affection for, but they always leave after a while, and the longest Jeno has ever stayed in a relationship is eight months, so maybe that’s why Jaemin is asking, since he will start printing the invitations next month and needs to go over his list. The reason for the question is also because, in a way, it's sort of a — almost general— agreement that, this time, Jeno really seems serious about his relationship. 

"Just add an extra invitation on Jeno's invitation, if six months from now they are still together, then he’ll take Taehyun," Renjun says. 

"Did you ever think that Jeno might be the next one to get married?" Jaemin asks, seeming to ramble on about something. Chenle almost retorts too quickly that Jeno doesn't want to get married, he wants a long-term relationship, but he doesn't want a party or rings or signing paperwork at the registry office. But the thought, even if it was too quick, causes sharp pain in Chenle. He doesn't want to think of Jeno getting married. 

"Or Chenle, he's still blessed by the bouquet," Renjun jokes.

"That was a year ago, I don't think it still fits," he retorts, not saying that the 'luck' of the bouquet turned out to be a tremendous misfortune in his life. 

"I don't think that's how it works, Lele," Jaemin says, drumming his hand on the table, making his engagement ring make a little noise with the friction. "Luck will probably follow you around until you find someone." 

"That’s bullshit," he retorts disinterestedly, hating the memory that the bouquet brings him for many different reasons. “No, thanks." 

He knows that both of them are just teasing, that his friends are not like their matchmaking aunts telling you that you should get married or get a boyfriend before you are thirty. They just like to tease their friends, just like Chenle likes to tease them. 

"Can we choose something soon?" Chenle asks. "I have a meeting in two hours." 

Renjun and Jaemin grumble but they go back to tasting food and stop meddling in each other's romantic lives. 

Still, even hours after their meeting, the image of Jeno marrying Taehyun makes him feel awkward for the rest of the day. 

— — —  

Actually, Chenle lied; it all started in high school. When he had orange hair, a color he chose to annoy his parents, and Jeno had only one tattoo, a very small one on his ankle, just the number seven, a constant reminder of the number of people important to him at that time. 

Chenle was always good at identifying his feelings, he was not ignorant like Jaemin or cautious like Mark, much less stubborn like Renjun and Donghyuck or closed like Jisung and Jeno. When Chenle felt something, he felt it and named for everyone what he was feeling, so as soon as Chenle started to feel a certain attraction for Jeno, he knew. 

Honestly, it could have been anything about Jeno, the understanding that he was handsome, his eyes that closed cutely when he smiled, his quiet and observant personality, while at the same time was adorable and fun. Chenle had a ridiculous attraction to Jeno, to the point that his whole body warmed up just from thinking too much about his friend, it was shameful, but Lee Jeno was probably the person who made Chenle realize that he wasn't just attracted to girls, but to boys as well. 

At first, Chenle was a little unsure what to do with his feelings for Jeno, he didn't know if he should reveal them, or just ignore them and find out which other boys also ignited his attraction for them, but Chenle realized that maybe, Jeno also had feelings for him. 

Chenle was a skinny boy with dehydrated hair who slept more at his friends' house than at his own, he had anger and resentment towards his parents and used his humor as his shield, and on one of the nights he slept at Jeno's house, they had their first kiss. 

Chenle had kissed girls, and Jeno had kissed boys, but at sixteen, almost seventeen, they kissed for the first time, and Chenle realized that kissing Jeno was much better than kissing anyone else, not because Chenle realized that he didn't like kissing girls, but because it was Jeno, and Jeno made anyone else seem irrelevant. 

They were watching anime, and their knees were touching, and Chenle was very aware of the closeness between them, of Jeno's thighs pressed against his and his smell penetrating his nose. Then, in a sudden rush of courage, Chenle told Jeno that he was almost certain that he was bisexual but that he had never kissed a boy, and asked if Jeno could kiss him. A little trembling, Jeno quickly agreed, because since forever he could never deny Chenle anything, he would ask and Jeno would quickly hand him anything, so he leaned in and kissed Chenle. 

It wasn't magical but it was a kiss Chenle never forgot, because it was his first kiss with Jeno, and this one seemed more special than all the others. 

They continued kissing for a few more days, which turned into weeks, and then months. Without telling their friends, Jeno and Chenle created a secret path in their hearts to each other, and between their secret kisses, they built bridges that brought them together. 

It wasn't hard to fall in love with Jeno, and Chenle knew immediately that he was in love with him. It wasn't just about the kisses or the attraction, but in their secret intimacy, Chenle and Jeno began to open up to each other more than they opened up to others. For Chenle, Jeno would always be different from the others, he was the one who always said yes to Chenle when everyone else said no, who didn't look at him with pity when Chenle told him about another fight with his parents but with sympathy, who secretly held his hand in the dark and showed his more vulnerable sides. Jeno had always been the brightest star in the constellation for Chenle, and the kisses amplified this in a way that made Chenle's heart jump whenever he saw Jeno. 

But Chenle was young and stupid, with too many problems at home to be able to think straight about his actions. Chenle was in love with Jeno but he was also afraid of what that could mean. Chenle had always been afraid that at some point he would be too much to handle, his parents said he was too loud, too annoying and just too much in general, and he was afraid that, like his parents, Jeno would think he was too much too. If it were anyone else, Chenle would have no problem, but Jeno was still his best friend, and Chenle could never get over it if Jeno decided he didn't want him anymore, because that would hurt Chenle in a way that would prevent them from ever being friends again like they used to be. 

They tried dating for two months until Chenle's fears won out and he was sure that he would rather break up with Jeno before he started loving him romantically. 

It was strange at first, but then they graduated, went to college, and Jeno started seeing other people, and although it hurt Chenle a little, a part of him was relieved that at least this way Jeno would never get tired of him and they could still be friends. 

The problem was that even if not together, Jeno and Chenle were still very aware of how their touches felt, of how perfect their arms seemed to fit their waists, of how the kisses were, and how the gasps sounded. Of how the only time they had sex as teenagers was, and of how they would like to do it all over again for at least one night. 

They have never again mentioned what they used to do, and they also never mentioned their relationship, making it a silent rule that not even their friends could mention it, although they sometimes forget that the two of them even dated, since, for them, it lasted only two months and nothing more. 

The tension between the two has never dissipated, and somewhere, Chenle knows that even after almost a decade, Jeno is still the brightest star in the constellation of his life. 

— — — 

When Chenle became an adult, he came to hate birthdays a little bit. There's something intimidating about watching the numbers grow, watching people growing old around him and building their lives in a way that indicates that they are very adult decisions. 

Chenle no longer lives like a teenager, of course; he is the director of a branch of his family's company, lives in a relatively large apartment, pays bills and taxes, and has to remember to go to the market every three weeks. But still, as he watches his friends, he feels that they really are adults now, and Chenle feels old even though he’s still only 25.

Jeno's birthday is taking place at Renjun and Donghyuck's house because they insisted that the Lee should celebrate his 26th birthday, so they organized a party in their backyard like the great hosts they're, although Jeno didn't even want to have a party in the first place. 

Other than their friends and Jeno's family, there aren't many guests, because Jeno had said that he was too old for a big party, even though it's a big lie. 

"How long do you intend to stay hidden in the corner drinking?" Jeno asks, approaching, with a small smile on his face. 

In his defence, Chenle is not hiding, but sometimes he feels extremely overwhelmed by basic things, like the realization that they are all adults with lives made and will be facing baldness in a few years, and there is nothing Chenle can do to stop it all. Before it was all so much easier, even with Yeojin being a clear reminder that they had adult responsibilities even though many of them were young, it never seemed like a big deal to be one, indeed, but now his friends are thinking about children and marriage, and Chenle still has problems with his parents. He is happy for them, absurdly so, and there is nothing Chenle wants more for them than happiness, but sometimes he feels a little suffocated because he isn't being happy in this way. It's not jealousy, just a desire for him to find what his friends have found, and it's not about a relationship, or children and marriage, but genuine happiness that shows they are content with their lives. 

"I'm not hiding, you just found me," Chenle retorts.

"Maybe I'm just very good at finding you when you don't want to be found," Jeno says, and Chenle sort of agrees with him because it's true, Jeno has always been good at finding Chenle. Always. "So, why have you been hiding here?"

"They were talking about the wedding and I've had my share of watching Jaemin blabbering about flower arrangements," Chenle answers, although Jeno probably knows it's a lie. "He seems happy talking about flowers, so at least he has my affection." 

"It's nice that they can do something for themselves like that," Jeno comments, and Chenle agrees because Mark and Jaemin have spent years taking care of Yeojin without really being together, and now they can have a huge party in celebration of them, and Chenle thinks they deserve it. 

"Yeah," Chenle nods. "But they could leave the details to themselves," he adds, just to be a little annoying. "Renjun and Donghyuck didn't make their marriage our problem." 

"Because they don't like other people giving an opinion, while Mark and Jaemin want the opinion of all of us," Jeno laughs, and Chenle drinks some of his beer in agreement. 

"Don't tell them but I think their marriage will be better than Renjun and Donghyuck's," Chenle says in a whisper as if he is really telling a secret. 

"Careful, Renjun might kill you in your sleep," Jeno warns amused. 

"He loves me too much to do something like that,"  Chenle scoffs. 

Jeno laughs again but doesn't disagree with Chenle, and the two fall into a comfortable silence. It's never awkward with Jeno, and Chenle doesn't know if it's because they can't stand not talking to each other normally or because they are very good at ignoring all the unfinished business between them. But the two have been ignoring things about them for so long that now Chenle rarely remembers them, for his sake and Jeno's, he prefers it that way. 

Yeojin appears running in the yard, with her ladybug dress and hair tied up in a braided ponytail, she doesn't notice Jeno and Chenle, but as soon as they notice her presence they begin to smile affectionately. Obviously, Yeojin is not their daughter, but somehow each of them has a little piece of Yeojin in them, just as she will probably have a little piece of them in her. 

She notices Jeno and Chenle and lets out a happy squeal as if seeing the two of them cheered her up. Every time he looks at how she is growing up, Chenle feels a little bit older, and maybe he is experiencing a midlife crisis at 25, but that's just his problem. 

"Uncles," she greets them with a cute nod of her head. 

"Hi, sweetie," Jeno greets her back, although they have already seen each other today. "What are you doing here?" 

"Daddy let me look for butters and ladies," she says excitedly, referring to the insects she makes a point of looking for everywhere she goes. One day Chenle took her for a walk in the park and she came back with a worm in her hand. " Oh ," she says, seeming to remember something, reaching into her small dress pocket and pulling out a folded and crumpled sheet of paper, "I brought you a present, Uncle." She extends the paper to him. 

"For me?" Jeno puts his hand over his heart, pretending to be surprised, and she laughs happily, nodding. 

"Nana says that when someone you like gets big, you give them gifts!" She explains, so cute that Chenle feels like crushing her in his arms and never letting go again. 

"And do you like me?" Jeno asks because he’s a loser who likes to have his ego softened by a child. 

"Very, very much." She nods again. 

"I like you very, very much too, Yeo." Jeno smiles, bending down to pick up the gift. He opens the paper, finding a horrible drawing she made, where she and Jeno are in a landscape with sun, grass and a tree, and her cat is also in the drawing, although it looks more like a mouse. Chenle thinks it's the sweetest thing he's ever seen. "You drew it yourself?" Jeno looks surprised, and she nods, looking suddenly shy. "I loved it, sweetie, it's beautiful." Jeno smiles sweetly at her, and Chenle's heart jolts because he never got used to the softness Jeno directed at her. "Give me a hug so I can thank you." 

He holds out his arms, and she embraces him, looking tiny among Jeno's stature. He stands up with her on his lap, swinging her sideways with some amusement. 

"Don't I get a hug too, Jinjin?" Chenle asks, giving her a forced pout, and Jeno looks at him in a way he prefers to ignore as if he's seeing something in Chenle that he can't help but find endearing. 

"It's not your birthday, Uncle Lele," she says, laying her face on Jeno's shoulder. 

"So only Uncle Nono gets a hug today?" Chenle asks, and she nods, "But I’ll be sad without my Jinjin's hug." 

She looks at Jeno, as if silently asking if she can hug Chenle on his birthday, and Jeno just smiles, making his eyes turn into half-moons. 

"I think it's okay for you to give Uncle Lele a hug, princess," Jeno says amused, extending it to Chenle. 

Yeojin holds out her arms, and Chenle takes her in his arms to hug her, giving several kisses on her head as she laughs happily. 

Chenle never wanted kids, he is meant to be the nice uncle who gives gifts and takes you out on weekends to nice places, and not to be a dad. But somehow, he likes to spoil Yeojin and take care of her when Mark and Jaemin have some commitment, finding a certain peace in the action. It's probably because it's Yeojin, and she is a quiet and gentle child, not a little devil who screams and cries about everything. 

"Mhm, what a warm hug, Jinjin," Chenle says, and she hides her face in his neck in embarrassment. Chenle finds her adorable and fights the urge to crush her with love in his arms. 

He looks at Jeno, who is staring at the two of them with a broad smile on his face as if the scene had just made his day better. 

"Do you want to look for your butterflies and ladybugs now, Yeo?" Jeno asks softly, and she nods, excited at the idea. 

Chenle puts her down and strokes her hair with a simple caress. 

"Don't go too far, okay? If you need help, call us," Chenle asks. 

"Okok uncle," she agrees, running from them to Renjun's small garden. 

"That's the ugliest drawing I have ever seen in my life," Chenle says adoringly as she leaves. 

"Fluffy looks like a mouse that has been hit by a car," Jeno adds with a laugh, although he also has adoration in his voice. 

"Every time you pick her up I remember when she was about a year old, and used to stare for hours at your tattoos, fascinated, her eyes shining just like Mark's," Chenle says, smiling at the memory. Yeojin was so small back then, with thinning hair and big eyes, touching Jeno's tattoos with adoration until she fell asleep. 

"And now she runs around the house and exposes her parents whenever she can," Jeno says softly as if he too is reliving the memory. 

"Do you also feel that you are getting too old too fast?" Chenle asks quietly, for some reason he never feels stupid for asking Jeno questions like this because he knows that Jeno would never laugh at him. 

"26 seems middle-aged to me," Jeno playfully retorts, "But I understand, Yeojin is in first grade, Jaemin and Mark will finally get married, Jisung will probably open another franchise and Renjun and Hyuck will start to think about children in a few years."

"A few years from now?" Chenle asks rhetorically, "Just look at them with your sister's baby, they’re definitely having baby fever at the moment," he scoffs. Earlier Chenle saw them singing to Jeno's eight-month-old niece, and then staring at each other as if to say: I want one. 

"Maybe more children will be a good thing," Jeno says because he likes children who are not his, but whom he can still love as if they were his own. 

"What about you?" Chenle asks. 

"What about me?" Jeno frowns. 

"With Taehyun," Chenle clarifies, although he's being masochistic now. "Has he talked about having children or about marriage with you? " 

Jeno looks pale for a moment as if Chenle's question is making him want to throw up, and he doesn't understand why. It's something couples talk about, isn't it? Chenle has talked about it with his ex-partners, although it was kind of obvious that they didn't want the same things. 

 "No, we have never talked about it," he answers, sounding normal at least. "Why would you ask something like that?" 

"I don't know." Because maybe I wanted you to say that you don't want to marry him, that maybe you don't see a future with him. "Everybody lately is getting married and having kids, and I think I'm catching their disease." 

"Well, I'm not thinking about marriage and children right now," Jeno replies. "And you know that I don't want both." 

Chenle knows, that he, Jeno and Jisung are similar in this area. That is, not totally, but in some aspects. Chenle is afraid of commitment, so he never thinks about very big things like marriage, and he definitely doesn't want children, because his parents ruined that desire in him and he knows that he has no vocation to be a parent. Jeno just doesn't see the point in marriage, because a ceremony to him will not determine whether a relationship is real and will last. Jisung just doesn't want to date anyone, much less marry, and he’s terrible with children who are not Yeojin. 

"I know," Chenle agrees. "But it's usually something couples talk about when they have expectations for the future, no?" 

Chenle knows he is crossing a line, he has no right to ask Jeno this kind of thing, not after what happened to them last year, but he wants to torture himself some more and his lack of shame and scruples allow him to ask questions he shouldn't. 

Jeno's expression changes as if he also knows that Chenle shouldn't be asking this kind of question because it implies another silent one, whether Jeno really wants a future with Taehyun or if he is stuck in a fantasy idea with Chenle. He knows he's being selfish, invasive and cruel, but Chenle would rather have an answer and hate himself some more than not have one at all. 

"Well, I usually date people with a future with them in mind." Chenle feels the hint poking him like a stick in his skin. "So I obviously imagine a future with my boyfriend, but not one so far away and serious, much less one that I even want." 

"Okay, sorry," Chenle asks, sensing that Jeno is now pissed at him, which sucks because it's his birthday and Chenle screwed up. "I won't ask you about anything anymore." 

"You're my friend, Chenle, you can ask about my relationship," Jeno says, sounding tired now as if Chenle torments him in the same way that he reassures him, half agony and half comfort. "The problem is how you will ask about it." 

Whether Chenle will ask out of genuine curiosity or for selfish reasons. Whether he will really want to hear the real answer or will want to look for one that reassures him. 

It's pathetic, really, the way Chenle pushes Jeno away from him, even though they keep coming back into each other's orbit, and yet he still wants little silent confessions that Jeno still has feelings for him, even though he shouldn't. Every time Jeno enters a relationship, he is torn between being happy for him and being sad about his situation, and Chenle wishes he could leave his fears behind to try to give Jeno what he once asked for. 

It would be one thing if they were oblivious to the shelved feelings they have for each other, but they know, deep down, that the flame they ignited for each other is still burning, with no prediction that it will ever die out for good. And Chenle, stupidly in a selfish way, wishes it would never go out for Jeno. 

"Sorry," Chenle says again, not knowing what else he can say. 

Jeno opens his mouth to say something, but Taehyun meets them and all tension dissipates, and Chenle can clearly see that Jeno really likes his boyfriend. Taehyun has black hair and snake bites piercings, he’s the same height as Jeno but less muscular, and his beauty is so soft that Chenle sometimes secretly stares at him so he can put together distinct images from different angles. The two met when Taehyun went with his friend to get a tattoo at Jeno's studio, and after that, they went on a date. 

"Did I disturb something?" He asks, genuinely concerned. 

"No, I was just asking Chenle why he made a point of isolating himself from the whole party," Jeno replies lightly, with an amused tone. Chenle finds it funny how Jeno is great at hiding his true feelings, in a way that is so different from Chenle that it impresses him. 

"And did you find an answer?" Taehyun asks, amused. 

"Believe it or not, they're very loud," Chenle answers with certain humor because everyone knows that he is probably one of the noisiest among them. 

"Strangely enough there is no noise now that you are not at the table," Jeno jokes, and Chenle knows that they’re okay again. "Did something happen, baby?"

"No," Taehyun shakes his head with a smile as if having Jeno call him makes him happy. Chenle feels a twinge in his heart. "But your cousin has arrived, and your mother is looking for you." 

"Well, you can't leave Mama Lee and Yena waiting for you," Chenle says. 

"Are you going back inside?" Jeno asks quietly. 

"In a little while, I'll hide for a few more minutes," he answers, and Jeno nods, holding Taehyun's hand so they can go back to the party. 

Chenle takes a sip of his beer, now warm, and wonders if the knot in his chest with Jeno's name will ever soften. 

— — — 

The first time Jeno and Chenle allow themselves to make a mistake after their breakup is also the last. 

They are in their last year of college, and Donghyuck has invited them to some frat party to celebrate the fact that he got an internship at a law firm near his current apartment, and although they all feel a little bad that they left Mark and Jaemin out since they had to take care of Yeojin, they all got drunk incredibly fast. 

Jeno is irresistible tonight, and this fact is disturbing Chenle immensely. He has been good at ignoring his pulsating attraction to Jeno for the past few years, and Chenle knows that he has no right to try anything with him after he so abruptly ended what they had. He knows that Jeno has suffered, but Chenle would rather suffer when everything was still fresh than have his heart torn out of his chest by something much deeper, and the Zhong is sure that if they stayed together for a few more months, the roots would be strong enough to be ripped out. Jeno dated other people, and Chenle watched, pretending that it didn't hurt him to see Jeno moving on. He ended up dating someone else during college as well, but Yizhuo quickly realized that she and Chenle were too different to continue in a relationship. 

The fact that Jeno is irresistible is also a problem because while Chenle is thinking of the many ways he can kiss him, Jeno has a boyfriend. A two-month boyfriend, but still a boyfriend. Chenle is drunk, and he has discovered that he has no morals when he's drunk and Jeno is being cute in front of him because while Chenle is great at controlling himself when they're sober, as soon as the booze gets into his system, he once again turns into a mad man in love, and this is a bad thing, very bad, because they broke up three years ago, almost four, and Chenle still thinks about Jeno in a way that he shouldn't.

It's easy to pretend when they are sober and in control, flirting through jokes and staring discreetly when no one is noticing. Chenle and Jeno are great at pretending, but they always come back to the same point when it's about them. 

They’re dancing, and Jeno's hands burn Chenle's waist under his shirt, making him feel completely hot. Jeno is staring at him in a way that he shouldn't, and he's just as drunk as Chenle, in a way that proves that the night could end disastrously if no one pulls them apart. 

Renjun and Donghyuck are kissing somewhere, and Jisung is outside talking to some people from his major. And Jeno and Chenle are alone, being pulled along by the growing pulsation between them, waiting to be drowned in the ocean they have created between them over the past few years. 

"You're looking at me like that," Jeno says in his ear, his voice sounding like a favorite song for Chenle. 

"Like what?" Chenle shouts his question, feeling intoxicated by the smell of Jeno so close. 

"Like you’re in love with me." 

Chenle's hands squeeze Jeno's shoulders by reflex, and he feels soft as jelly, with so many ideas flooding him that he just blinks dazedly trying to think of what to answer. Jeno isn't normally this direct, but they're drunk, so Chenle says the dumbest thing he could at that moment:

"Maybe I am," Chenle answers, looking Jeno straight in the eye, as if he's not afraid of what Jeno does to his heart, "Maybe I never stopped being in love with you." 

And it's not something he should say, for a list of reasons so big that he can't even think of the first one. Jeno stares at him, so intensely that Chenle can feel his gaze all over his skin. He takes his hands off Chenle's waist, taking a step back, and the Zhong feels that he made a mistake and that maybe Jeno isn't drunk enough for his shit like he thought he was. 

"Jeno, I-" 

Jeno shakes his head, takes a deep breath, as if in pain, and walks away from Chenle, leaving him alone on the makeshift dance floor. 

Chenle hates himself at the moment, he knows that he's not being fair, he was the one who broke up with Jeno because of his problems and fears, and for this, he had no right to tell a committed man that he is in love with him, much less if this man is Jeno. Chenle will never drink again because he only talks shit when he drinks. 

He goes up the stairs, and puts his forehead against one of the walls in the hallway, not caring if anyone thinks this is weird because he's being miserable right now. Chenle knows he fucked up, and it will take Jeno a few days before he forgives him and they get back to their dynamic, where the two of them ignore all the unspoken things between them and go back to talking as if nothing happened. The two of them are a mess, and Chenle doesn't stop feeling like it's his fault. 

"Chenle," a voice calls out to him, and he turns around to face Jeno. 

"Jeno?" He asks, sounding confused because Jeno should be angry with him right now for being such an indecisive son of a bitch. But no, Jeno is gasping like he just ran to get to Chenle, and he doesn't look angry. 

"I broke up with Sungwoo," Jeno says, and Chenle stares at him in shock. Sungwoo was Jeno's boyfriend, and he just broke up with him, after Chenle said he might be in love with Jeno. 

"Why?" Chenle asks, still in shock. 

"Because I want you," Jeno answers, almost in a whisper, and if he hadn't been paying attention, Chenle would have missed his answer. "Today. Now. I want you." 

And Chenle should warn him that he will regret this tomorrow and that Chenle still can't promise him what he wants, but he says nothing of the sort because he is too selfish to do the right thing and too drunk to stay behind his line. 

"Do you want me?" Jeno asks, sounding desperate for an answer. 

"Every single day," Chenle answers. 

Then Jeno kisses him, with a ferocity that burns Chenle from the inside out. He missed Jeno's kisses, the feeling that his body had been made to be held by him, how the rhythm of their mouths seemed perfect in every way. Chenle has missed so much, and he doesn't want to let go of Jeno for anything. 

They find a free room, and Chenle locks the door eagerly, wanting to kiss Jeno for hours until they need to return to the reality that surrounds them. Jeno takes him to the bed and kisses his neck in a hurry as if he knows that there is a clock hovering over them and he needs to use all the time they have soon.  

"Did you really mean that?" He asks between kisses. 

"What?" Chenle asks, oblivious to everything with the feel of Jeno's mouth on him. 

"That you never stopped being in love with me." 

"Yes," Chenle answers too quickly, not even noticing that he shouldn't say yes. 

"God, you don't know how desperate I have been," Jeno says, kissing his throat, "All these years I couldn't feel a fraction of what I feel with you for anyone else. All those dates in the hope that someone would make me forget you, but it never worked because none of them is you." 

Chenle feels dizzy at the confession, and he knows he shouldn't be happy about it, Jeno should forget him and then get rid of the burden of being loved by Zhong Chenle, he deserves at least this. 

"I'm so in love with you, Chenle," he confesses, whispering between kisses, slipping his hands under his shirt. His tattooed fingers touched him as if he were made of silk. "So in love that you make me stupid enough to break up with someone else because I couldn't go another second without touching you." He gives him a wet kiss on the lips. "I would do anything to have you for myself, and I don't understand why you would date other people and not me. Why not me, Chenle?" The question came out a little torn as if it hurt Jeno. 

But Chenle doesn't know how to tell Jeno that dating Yizhuo was much easier than dating Jeno because he always knew that losing her wouldn't hurt so much, that he could go on with his life normally without her. But Jeno is so much more important than Yizhuo was, and Chenle doesn't want Jeno to leave him when he realizes that he deserves better than him, someone who isn't so Chenle. 

"Because I can't hurt you."

"You're hurting me now," Jeno replies quietly, "And you will hurt me tomorrow when you pretend none of this happened." 

Despite the confession, Jeno doesn't stop kissing him, as if this is their last minute on earth and he needs Chenle at the same time he needs to confess everything to him. Maybe the drink should stay away from them. 

"I love you," Jeno confesses, so truly, that it's like a bucket of cold water has fallen on Chenle. 

No. Everything is wrong, he shouldn't be doing this. It's wrong, it's wrong, it's so fucking wrong. Jeno broke up with his boyfriend on a shred of hope that Chenle drunkenly confided in him, and they were about to have sex knowing that, because of Chenle's fault, there is no future between them. And he wishes he could say that if they did this now, tomorrow Chenle could build up the courage to accept Jeno as he wants to accept him, but Chenle can't and he is selfish in so many ways that his self-hatred consumes him, and he wants to get down on his knees and ask Jeno's forgiveness for hurting him, knowing that he will hurt him again soon after. 

"Jeno," Chenle calls out to him, placing a hand on his chest, "Stop." 

Jeno cringes as if he knows from Chenle's tone that everything is wrong. He pulls away, sitting on his ankles on the bed. Chenle sits up too, breathing rapidly with the turbulence of thoughts flooding through him. He stares at a rose tattoo on Jeno's arm, not having the courage to look at it. 

"You're going to do it again, aren't you?" Jeno asks, his voice devoid of all the vulnerability he has just shared. Because Jeno is like that, always closing himself in his shell once he realizes he's going to get hurt. 

"I'm sorry." 

"I just don't understand, Chenle," Jeno says, tired. "Why not?" 

"Because I can't," Chenle answers, feeling terrible. "I can't give you what you want, what you deserve, because I have too many problems to be with you without fear of ruining everything."

"Don't you want to at least try?" Jeno asks quietly, and although he doesn't let on, Chenle knows that this conversation is hurting him. "We were fine before we announced to the boys what we had."

Chenle knows this but letting people know that there was something between them made it all too real, and Chenle was easily cowed. 

"No," Chenle answers, and his heart aches to say the words. "No, I don't want to." 

"God, you’re such an asshole," Jeno says, though he doesn't sound angry, just worn out from the whole conversation. "I broke up with him, Chenle. By text." 

"Sorry," Chenle asks, though he knows it's not his fault and that Jeno is not blaming him, just reporting facts. 

"Please don't ever let me kiss you again," Jeno asks. "I'm weak, I'll give you anything if you're willing to let me, and I'm tired of being in love with you, so don't let me kiss you," he asks again, and Chenle, like Jeno, is terrible at denying him things. "Okay," Chenle agrees, "I promise." 

Jeno sits for a few minutes until he gets up, and without saying anything else to Chenle, he leaves the room, probably feeling in his shadow the mistakes made that night, just as Chenle is feeling them now. The confessions that have been poured out now are slowly crushing them, and Chenle can do nothing but let them. 

He wishes he could be less complicated, but stuck in his bones are a heap of problems that not even Jeno can erase from Chenle. 

Jeno doesn't speak to him for two weeks, and when they speak to each other again, they don't mention what happened. A week later, he starts seeing another boy. 

Chenle keeps his promise, and never again drinks in Jeno's presence without his friends around, fearing what will happen if they do. 

Chenle keeps his promise, that is, until the wedding of Renjun and Donghyuck. 

— — —

In the end, all his friends were proven wrong when at a lunch among them Jeno let out:

"Taehyun and I broke up." 

It was a few weeks after Jeno's birthday, and they were at Donghyuck and Renjun's house having their monthly lunch, and the whole table was silent for a few seconds processing the information. 

Chenle doesn't know exactly what to feel. Is he relieved? Feeling sorry for Jeno? Happy that he is single again? He doesn't know. Chenle likes to think that he isn't so petty as to want Jeno to be single for the rest of his life, he deserves to be happy with someone, so Chenle hopes that at some point he will meet someone who will change his whole life and make his eyes sparkle with love. But there's a small part of Chenle that feels like it can finally breathe whenever Jeno ends up in another relationship. 

"I'm sorry, Jen," Jaemin says softly. 

Jeno just shrugs, as if it doesn't bother him, but Chenle knows better, and he knows that Jeno is sad, after all, he and Taehyun had a beautiful relationship, and they were all rooting for the two of them. 

"Why did you break up?" Donghyuck asks curiously, asking the question everyone wanted to ask. 

"It just wasn't going to work out," Jeno answers, not allowing room for any more questions about this. 

Chenle stares at him quietly, wondering why they broke up so abruptly since they don't seem to have very concrete reasons, but he knows that if he goes there, he might assume answers he doesn't want to receive. 

"Don't be sad, Uncle!" Yeojin asks, stepping off Mark's lap to give Jeno a sloppy hug. They all smile at the scene, finding her the most adorable child in the world, and also the most perceptive, since she probably doesn't understand what's going on, but understands that it makes Jeno upset. 

"I won't, princess," Jeno promises, giving her a kiss on the head and letting her sit on his lap. 

"That's fucked up, Jen," Jisung says apologetically, receiving an ugly look from Jaemin for saying fucked in front of his daughter. "I liked Taehyun." 

"Everyone liked Taehyun," Renjun adds, and Chenle can't even disagree because it was a general agreement that they liked him. 

"I know." Jeno nods, absentmindedly patting Yeojin, "But we broke up with no hard feelings, if all the nonsense about exes being friends wasn't false, I'm sure we would still be talking to each other." 

It's not nonsense, Chenle thinks, after all, he and Jeno are still friends even after they broke up, and maybe it would be easier to remain friends when everything happened as teenagers, but it's possible. Everyone at the table seems to think the same because they start to stare at Chenle not so suddenly, and Jeno realizes his mistake, then adds:

"With Chenle it doesn't count, we were teenagers and it only lasted two months," Jeno says lightly, telling the version that their friends know. For the other five, the relationship between the two was a joke, silly impulsivity caused by horniness and nothing more. For some reason, it hurts somewhere in Chenle to have Jeno say this. 

"Exactly, I have nothing to do with this theory," Chenle adds, without looking at Jeno for fear that his feelings are written all over his face. "And I agree, it's impossible to remain friends with your ex." 

None of them can confirm it besides the two of them, since Mark and Jaemin were in love with each other years ago and Renjun and Donghyuck have been dating forever.

"Which is a shame, Yizhuo and Felix were cooler than you," Jisung sneers, because he probably felt that Chenle needed to laugh. 

"Man, remember when Felix used to bring those brownies whenever he came to lunch with Chenle?" Mark says dreamily, seeming to be remembering. Felix and Chenle had a great relationship until the Zhong realized that his boyfriend was an incorrigible romantic and was expecting a ring in the next few years. 

"And he was so cute," Renjun sighs as if remembering how it was. 

"Miss you Felix," Donghyuck says, and they all make a noise in agreement. "But everything will be fine, Jen. You'll find the right person at some point," he says, trying to sound reassuring. 

For some stupid reason, Chenle stares at Jeno across the table, and Jeno stares back at him. All the tension in their shoulders dissipates, and they stare at each other for what seems like minutes before Jeno replies: 

"Yeah," he speaks quietly, "I think I will."  

— — —

On Donghyuck's 25th birthday, everything gets out of control. 

Yeojin didn't even go, because Mark and Jaemin left her with Mark's mother, and the seven of them are enjoying the night at the bar as if they were in their early twenties again. Jaemin had already drunk his fill, lying comfortably on Mark's shoulder in near-sleep. Renjun is on Donghyuck's lap, feeding him with the bad ice cream they ordered, Jisung is sober, by some miracle, and Jeno and Chenle are drunk. Not too drunk, but not a little drunk either. 

"I think I'm old, it's midnight and I already want to go to sleep," Mark says, putting his beer glass on the table. 

They've been at the bar for hours now, and have talked about their jobs, and stories from college and high school, and now it seems that all the history between them has already been mentioned, which is a lie because they have known each other for so long that they have even forgotten their own histories carried over by time. 

"You are old, Markie," Donghyuck replies with humor. 

"Don't say that my boyfriend is old, he's beautiful and very young," Jaemin retorts, kissing Mark on the cheek with a smile. Sometimes Chenle feels extremely lucky to see his friends finding love, because he's always happy when they're in love, and he knows that everyone is in good hands at the moment. 

"What he says," Mark nods. "You're beautiful too, honey." 

"Disgusting," Jisung and Chenle speak at the same time, raising their hands for a hi-five after the coincidence.

"You say this because you haven't found love yet, Chenle," Renjun retorts, leaving Jisung out of the conversation because he really doesn't want to find one. "Unless you're seeing someone without us knowing," he suggests, raising his eyebrow.  

Chenle doesn't know where he gets such a thing, but apart from Jeno, they all seem interested in his answer. 

"I'm not," he blinks, "Where did you get that from?" Chenle frowns confusedly. 

"Nowhere," Renjun shrugs.

"Just one possibility," Donghyuck adds. 

"Which isn't happening," Jaemin says, but his tone indicates something Chenle has no idea what it means. 

"But it could," Renjun replies, in the same tone. 

"But it isn't," Mark adds. 

"What's the deal with you guys?" Chenle asks confused, and the four of them stare at him, looking as if they have been caught doing something wrong, just like Yeojin after drawing on the wall with crayons. 

"None!" Renjun answers, going back to eating his ice cream. 

"I think you had too much to drink," Jisung announces, and they all grumble. 

Since the wedding, Chenle has not been involved with anyone else. And it's easy for him to pretend that nothing has happened most of the time, after all, he and Jeno don't see each other every day, and when they do, it's usually in the presence of their friends, giving no room for the big secret they're ignoring at the moment. But sometimes, in moments of weakness, Chenle remembers too much about what happened, and his body seems to long for the next time that it will all happen again. At the same time that Chenle wishes for it to happen again, like a thirsty man in the desert, he knows it can't. Repeating the same mistakes will make everything more complicated than it already is.

His friends change the subject, starting to discuss what Girls Generation's best title track is and about their upcoming 15th-anniversary comeback, and Chenle couldn't think of a gayer, dumber conversation, even though he likes it. 

"How are you leaving?" Jisung asks since most of them are drunk. 

"Uber," They all answer at the same time. 

"I can drop someone off at home," Jisung offers, like the saving angel that he is. 

"Chenle's place is closer to your apartment, take him," Renjun says, which makes sense because Jisung lives only twenty minutes away from him. "And take Jeno along so that he doesn't have to return home alone." 

"My house is on the other side of town," Jeno grumbles, pouting because he's totally drunk, Chenle wants to squeeze his face, because he's also totally drunk. 

"You can sleep at mine," Chenle suggests, also not wanting Jeno to leave alone in this state, after all, it's no big deal for Chenle to offer his apartment for his friends to sleep there.

"Good," Jaemin claps his hands together, causing Mark to laugh and give him a loud kiss. "There, we solved our problem."

Jeno looks at him strangely, and Chenle just smiles, not understanding the problem. Does Jeno prefer to go home alone? 

"Okay, now let's pay the bill," Renjun says, getting up. 

They pay the bill, and then say goodbye, getting into Jisung's car. On the way, they gossip about the people they studied with in college, and when they arrive at Chenle's apartment, the atmosphere between him and Jeno is silent again. 

Chenle has always been the quieter one with Jeno, he thinks. There is something that makes him want to be serene in Lee's calmness, and although Chenle wants to say many things to Jeno simply to hear his voice, he also likes to be silent with him, just enjoying his presence. 

When they arrive at Chenle's apartment, Jeno throws himself on the couch, not worrying about behaving himself because he has been on that same couch several times before. Chenle sits down next to him, not feeling like going to sleep. 

"Are you sleepy?" He asks.

"No," Jeno replies, squinting. "Are you?" 

"Not sleepy either," Chenle grumbles. "I think I'm hungry, I'll cook something." 

"Drunk like that?" Jeno asks doubtfully, and Chenle just elbows him. "Do you want help?" 

"From a drunken man like that?" He replies with a smile. "Sure, why not." 

So he and Jeno go to cook drunk. They knock some things over on the counter, in the sink, and even on the floor, and sometimes they start laughing randomly for no reason until their stomachs hurt, but neither of them seems to mind. They affectionately tease each other, and Jeno smiles to himself as if nothing in the world but them matters. 

Chenle is faced with the realization that if they were dating, they could always have this freedom together, and the thought makes him want to forget all his troubles and ask Jeno to date him right this very second. He knows it's a forbidden thought, but Chenle will never stop desiring Jeno, so he doesn't fight it. 

"That's good," Jeno comments with his mouth full. 

"Don't sound so surprised, I'm a great cook!" 

"I know." Jeno smiles, and his eyes immediately turn into crescent moons, "The best." 

Chenle smiles at the compliment, feeling proud of himself for making Jeno think that way. 

They finish eating, feeling soberer since the time they arrived, and Chenle makes Jeno do the dishes, saying that he had already done the hard part. 

While Jeno finishes the dishes, Chenle rests his chin on his shoulder, watching over him as Jeno does the dishes. Having nothing else to entertain himself with, and lying to himself, Chenle ignores his desire to be close to Jeno in this way, as if it doesn't shake him. 

"You're disturbing me," Jeno grumbles, but Chenle doesn't care, and impulsively, he listens to his intrusive thoughts and deposits a kiss on Jeno's neck. 

He shivers slightly, not expecting something like this, and Chenle moves his hand down to Jeno's defined abdomen. It was easier when Chenle didn't know how he would feel under him, or how Jeno's hands would move on his body, but now he knows again, and the ghost of Jeno himself is still covering him from head to toe. Chenle is losing his mind, and it all started because of a damn bouquet. 

"Chenle," Jeno calls out, his voice sounding like a plea. "I have to do the dishes." 

"You can finish later," he says, knowing that Jeno just needed permission to give up the dishes. 

Jeno turns around, his wet hands are placed on Chenle's thin waist, and they stare at each other in silence. They know they shouldn't, but they're still going to make one more madding cake to add to their list later. 

"Just one more time," Chenle asks in a whisper. 

"Just once more," Jeno agrees. 

And they kiss again, making their bodies finally relax now that they find their solace in each other. Chenle knows he said just once more, but God, he hoped there would be others, because Chenle wanted this for the rest of his life, in a completely crazy way out of his reach. 

They easily find their way to Chenle's room, to his bed, and once again, promising that they will never let themselves be led by their instincts and feelings, Jeno and Chenle cross their boundaries once more. 

This time Chenle doesn't sleep right after, he stays awake, staring at his ceiling thinking about what they just did. They could ignore everything as they always do, but Chenle feels that this time, Jeno has something to say. 

Moments pass until one of the two says something, and it's no surprise that the one who says the first word is Jeno. 

"Is this going to become a habit?” he asks as if Chenle has the answers. And Chenle understands why he asks, because in a certain memory from the past, it was he who had promised Jeno to stop them if they overstepped their boundaries, and Chenle didn't stop him last time or this time. 

"No," Chenle answers but doesn't feel confident enough in his answer. "I don't know." 

"You need to know, Chenle," Jeno says, and Chenle thinks it's unfair that everything is being thrown at his back. He knows he made a mistake, and should have denied Jeno's suggestion months ago in that stupid elevator, but why does only Chenle have to be strong? Why does only he have to fight against his will? Why can't Jeno do the same for himself since he knows that Chenle will continue to hurt him? "Because if you kiss me every day, I will kiss you back. There is no self-preservation in me when it's about you." 

Chenle feels an exorbitant pain consume him, and he wants to apologize to Jeno for being so confusing and cruel, but he's also getting hurt in this story, and he doesn't know what to do to fix it. 

"I broke my promise," he says quietly, "And since then it's hard for me not to think of you in another way." 

"You can't think of me any other way," Jeno says, "Not when you don't intend to overcome your fears to be with me."  

Chenle is silent because he knows that Jeno is right, and if Jeno is being honest about his feelings after so long without doing so, Chenle knows that it's because he has reached a catastrophic level that's destroying him from the inside.  

"Aren't you tired?" Jeno asks quietly, and Chenle waits for him to finish speaking, "Of pretending that we haven't felt anything for each other all this time? Aren't you tired of denying your own happiness like this? Because I'm sure we can be happy, Chenle, you just have to let me in." 

Chenle closes his eyes tightly. He has never been one to cry, but Jeno's words hit him so hard that he thinks some tears are filling his eyes. 

Chenle is tired, Jeno is right, but he doesn't know how to let him in without fear that he will hate the mess inside Chenle. Jeno knows him, he knows all the things that made Chenle be forged this way, but living with this might be too much for him, and Chenle just wants him to be happy. As happy as possible. 

"I've gotten used to wanting you without being able to have you," Chenle retorts quietly, fearing that the words are too heavy and will crush him. 

"Me too." Jeno laughs, not really amused, "But I can't get used to not being able to have your heart while having your body. So answer me, is this going to be a habit?" 

It can't be. Chenle is aware that giving that part of himself to Jeno and refusing to give him the other part will tear them apart, and their friendship will definitely be shaken. No matter if Chenle will die longing for Jeno again, it cannot become a habit. 

"No," he answers, this time more decisively. "It won't." 

Jeno is silent and then gets up, putting on his clothes and leaving the room without telling Chenle where he's going, and Chenle leaves him, knowing that at this moment, he has no right to demand anything from Jeno. 

He hears the door to the guest room close, relieved that at least Jeno has not decided to leave in the middle of the night. 

Chenle knows that they have now just destroyed a little part of what existed between them, and he feels terrible about it, wanting desperately to bring Jeno close to him again, but he doesn't. 

After that night, they stop the silly flirtations, although they still remain friends. Three months later, Jeno and Taehyun start dating, and Chenle feels that this time, he has really lost Jeno. 

— — — 

Chenle doesn't know what prompted his friends to make a reservation at a restaurant on a Saturday night, but he was obliged to attend, so here he is in a suit, ready to dine at an expensive restaurant with them. 

When he arrives at the table, the first thing he notices is that there are only six seats, the second is that the entire restaurant is packed with couples, and the third is that the only vacant seat is the one facing Jeno. 

"Where’s Jisung?" Chenle asks confused, sitting down on the vacant chair and staring at his friends.

"He cancelled at the last minute," Donghyuck replies, in the tone of voice he uses in court. "It's just the six of us today."  

Chenle shrugs, thinking it's strange that Jisung didn't tell him, but dismisses the situation because it could happen. He knows that Yeojin is staying with a nanny, since Jaemin and Mark are trying not to be attached to her all the time, but he confesses that he wishes they would bring her along because he has gotten used to Yeojin going everywhere with them. 

The rest of the dinner is bizarre. Not because an alien enters the restaurant, or because a clown starts to scare them, but because their friends are almost ignoring Jeno and Chenle. 

To make matters worse, they are being disgusting. Whispering softly to each other, as each couple is on their partner's side, kissing their cheeks sweetly and exchanging caresses. Chenle knows they are couples, after all the rings don't lie, but normally they're never this affectionate in front of each other, at least not to the point of ignoring the people around them like this. Chenle feels like a huge third wheel now, and he can tell that Jeno is also finding their behavior strange. 

Not having much to do, since his friends are obviously ignoring him, Jeno and Chenle start talking too. Exchanging whispers to gossip about their friends without them listening, and laughing loudly when they say something funny. Jeno makes origami out of paper for him, and Chenle tries to follow him even though his looks horrible, he is sure Yeojin would love it. 

Randomly, Chenle remembers that his friends are at the table with the two of them, and looks over, finding four pairs of eyes looking at him and Jeno intently, when they realize they've been caught staring, they look away quickly. Chenle doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

"What was that now?" Chenle asks.

"What was what?" Renjun asks, playing dumb.

"Why were you staring?" 

"Staring at who?" Jaemin asks, also playing dumb, and Chenle wants to shake them because he feels he's on the out of some secret between them. 

"Us," Jeno answers, because he also realized, "Almost now." 

"We didn't stare, we just looked at you," Mark says. "We forgot you were there." 

"I realized," Chenle grumbles. "Are you finished eating?" 

"No," Renjun answers quickly. "We're missing dessert."

"Oh, okay," Chenle says, not wanting dessert because he doesn't like sweets. 

"Which one do you want?" Donghyuck asks loudly to everyone at the table, and Chenle realizes that the couples will split between them, how romantic. "And you, Chenle?"

"I don't want to."

"What do you mean you don't want to?" Renjun asks. "Of course you do."

"No, I don't," Chenle replies. 

"Then split one it with Jeno," Jaemin suggests, and Chenle frowns in confusion. 

"Why would I share with Jeno if I said I don't want to eat?" 

"You'll make me sad if you don't have dessert," Renjun says, winking his doll eyes at him, just like Yeojin when she wants another doll. 

"Okay," he grumbles, taking the menu and ordering the smallest thing they have. 

"Aren't you going to share with Jeno?" Mark asks, sounding confused. Chenle would like to know what drugs they may have used today. 

"No. Why would I share it with him?" Chenle asks. 

"Ordering two desserts when you can share will increase the bill," Donghyuck says as if he's right. 

"And?" 

"I'm paying the bill today," he explains, and even his husband seems surprised by this fact. "So everybody will share dessert, to make it cheaper!" 

"I'm sure Chenle and I can afford our own dessert," Jeno replies, sounding as lost as Chenle. He really wants to know what's wrong with his friends.

"You know what?" Renjun says, but it doesn't sound like a line addressed to Chenle and Jeno. "Whatever, order whatever dessert you want." 

"Wow, how kind of you," Chenle scoffs, "Thank you for letting me order dessert, Renjun." 

"Fuck you, Chenle," he answers, as if he is angry with him now, even though Chenle has no idea why. 

They eat the dessert in silence, and Chenle eats only half because he really didn't want one, all his friends look defeated, and he wanted to know why. Staring at Jeno, he realizes that the Lee has the same questions as he does. 

When it's time to leave, they try to get Chenle to take Jeno home, even though his motorcycle is right there for his own use, and after another snort from Renjun, they each go home with their own vehicle. Chenle thinks they have gone crazy. 

— — — 

Chenle is bored watching Mark being measured by a stylist. He is adjusting his suit for the wedding, a white suit with gold details (Chenle knows that Jaemin's suit will be light pink with gold details), and because he's a good friend, Chenle is dragged in to give his opinions.

"Your ass looks nice," Chenle gives his opinion, because he has to say useful things, "I bet Jaemin will fall in love with you again." 

"I don't think Jaemin will stare at his ass in the middle of the ceremony," Donghyuck points out, with his black suit and combed hair because he has to go back to work afterwards. 

"But he will stare afterwards," Chenle rolls his eyes. "Jaemin always stares at Mark's ass, it's disgusting." 

"Just like you always stare at Jeno's ass," Donghyuck points, and Chenle doesn't even deny it, he would never lie to a man who works with unraveling lies. 

"He has a nice ass," Chenle shrugs nonchalantly, he doubts that Donghyuck knows that he stares at Jeno's ass for several other reasons. Including that he's in love with Jeno, and consequently with his ass. 

"Speaking of Jeno," Mark says, ignoring all the talk about asses. "Hyuck," Mark calls out to him, wiggling his eyebrows in a silent request to Donghyuck that Chenle doesn't understand.

"Oh, right!" Donghyuck seems to understand what he means. "Speaking of Jeno, Chenle, I have tickets to a baseball game for you this weekend." 

"Why do you have tickets to a baseball game?" Chenle asks suspiciously. Donghyuck never gives things away freely, he would normally charge if Chenle wanted them and wouldn't give them away. Not to mention that Donghyuck doesn't like baseball, because it's a sport that only interests Jeno, Chenle and Mark. 

"I won. From a customer," Donghyuck answers, reaching into his jacket pocket, pulling out two tickets, "For you and Jeno." 

Chenle takes the tickets, raising his eyebrows and preparing himself for the trick because, after years of being friends with Donghyuck, he knows that there must be something behind his intention. Chenle doesn't trust lawyers, and Donghyuck is a lawyer. 

"Why did Mark know this?" 

"He was going to give it to me first, but I won't be able to go," Mark says, and he doesn't even face Chenle, which makes him think that Mark might be lying. "Cake tasting and adjusting Yeo's dress." 

Chenle finds it all very suspicious, but he wants to believe that his friends are having a change of heart and are really wanting to be good, so he accepts the tickets, ignoring the strangeness of it all. 

If Donghyuck wants to give him and Jeno free tickets to watch a Lotte game, so be it. 

Jeno and Chenle have been watching baseball games together since they were fifteen, and Jeno was the one who dragged him into that scene. Chenle dragged Mark into basketball, Mark dragged Chenle into hockey, and Jeno dragged them both into baseball, while Jisung became a lone soccer fan. 

The two are wearing red Lotte caps, their team, and with two beer glasses, they look for their seat. It's not a far seat, so they can see the field relatively well. 

"I still can't believe that Donghyuck just gave us the tickets, I swear, at some point, he's going to come and charge us for it," Chenle says, waiting for the game to start. 

It's sunny, so Jeno is wearing shorts that now show part of his thigh. Chenle tries not to look. 

"If our team wins, at least it’ll be worth it," Jeno replies. "But it's strange, and if he gave it away for free it's because he's planning to hide a body and will use us to help him." 

"I would totally help if this game is going to put us in first place in the championship," Chenle answers, making Jeno laugh. 

"It's been a long time since we watched a game together," Jeno points, and Chenle sort of agrees. Since Donghyuck's birthday last year, they haven't been going out that often, and Chenle can't even judge Jeno for that, not to mention that with their work, it's a little complicated for them to find time to hang out. 

"You're right," Chenle nods, "This means that now we’ll bring luck into the game."  

Jeno nudges him lightly with his shoulder, and Chenle smiles, realizing that he missed moments like this with Jeno. Just the two of them, doing something they like and playing with each other without fear of what can go wrong. 

The game starts, and he and Jeno cheer, yell, cuss a little, and have fun. Chenle has always enjoyed watching games of his favorite sports, and he loves the fact that his friends do too. 

During the break, Jeno and Chenle start a conversation about the probability of points in the next matches and are interrupted when a girl pokes Chenle, pointing with a smile at the big screen. Without understanding, Chenle follows her finger, seeing that, lucky for him, he and Jeno have ended up on the kiss cam. 

He pauses, not quite knowing what to do, obviously, they should kiss, but Chenle doesn't know if he should kiss Jeno in a huge stadium in the middle of a baseball game when everything is already too complicated between them. 

Chenle looks at Jeno uncertainly, and the people in the stadium start chanting a chorus of " kiss, kiss, kiss," and Jeno blushes, making Chenle smile for his embarrassment. He doesn't think he should kiss Jeno, but he wants to, especially after seeing how red Jeno is now. 

Without much thought, Chenle leans in and gives Jeno a quick kiss, listening to the happy commotion in the stadium as it has been with all the other couples who have kissed, and Jeno turns even redder. 

The camera pulls away from them, making Chenle laugh at Jeno's embarrassment because he's damn cute while being shy, even with all his strong body and intimidating tattoos, he's still extremely adorable in Chenle's eyes. 

"You're so fucking cute," Chenle says in a thin voice, holding back from squeezing Jeno's cheek. 

"Fuck you, Chenle," he mutters, turning even redder, and Chenle just laughs, feeling absurdly happy for some reason. 

Obviously, they don't talk about why Chenle decided to kiss Jeno, because the excuse already came ready, avoiding the other thousand reasons hidden under the rug. 

They finish watching the game, and their team wins, making Chenle and Jeno celebrate happily, and in those seconds, when they look at each other smiling and euphoric about the victory, Chenle realizes that he wants to see Jeno like this for the rest of her life; he wants to take him to see their team's games for the rest of his life, and to be able to kiss Jeno at every game to see him blushing again. 

Chenle has to control himself to not kiss him, and although his feelings for Jeno are killing him right now, he never fails to silently thank Donghyuck for allowing them to have this little moment, where in a fraction of time, Chenle could pretend that right there, he had Jeno to himself. 

— — — 

Jaemin and Mark's wedding will take place a month from now, exactly one month from now, at the peak of autumn with the orange leaves and the transition from hot to cold. Therefore, their bachelor party is taking place thirty days before their wedding date, October 25. 

As a wedding gift, and with the help of their respective groomsmen, Chenle, Renjun, and Donghyuck decided to have the party in the lounge of a hotel in Itaewon, complete with music, drinks, and hotel rooms for the guests after the party was over. Chenle didn't have to help organize anything, just pass on his card, which was a relief because he hates planning things. 

Yeojin is sleeping over at the house of a school friend, the daughter of a sapphic couple that Mark and Jaemin have befriended, and although Chenle misses her, he's glad that she's not there to see the depravity of his friends. 

Donghyuck is doing a lap dance on Renjun, and Chenle doesn't know whether to break them up or let them have their fun, meanwhile, the real grooms are kissing fervently on one of the couches, and Chenle hated to find out how shameless the two of them can get after drinking. 

Everyone is so drunk that Chenle thinks that if someone lights a match, the amount of alcohol on their breath will set the place on fire. Some of their mutual friends from college have been invited, as well as cousins and colleagues at Mark's work. It's relatively full, and Chenle didn't even know they could meet so many people. 

"I think Renjun has his thing hard," Jeno says loudly in his ear, and Chenle is tempted to see if he's telling the truth or just ignoring it. 

"Don't traumatize me, Jeno, please," Chenle asks, "I haven't recovered to this day from the discovery that they have a list of kinks together on google drive." Jisung discovered this and shared it with Jeno, who shared it with Chenle, who shared it with Mark, and by the end, everyone knew. Finding out what his best friends like to do in bed is not something Chenle wanted for his life, even if he's an adult who has had enough sex. 

"Wait, was exhibitionism on the list?" Jeno asks, frowning in confusion. 

"Oh my god, shut up!" Chenle asks, covering Jeno's mouth with his hand free of the glass. 

Jeno licks Chenle's hand, who lets out a yelp when he feels the drool on his palm and pulls it away from Jeno's mouth. 

Lately, things with Jeno are great, and Chenle feels that they have regained what they had lost in their friendship a year ago. The teasing has returned more slightly, as have the stupid flirtations and tension, and Chenle knows that this is his friends' fault. 

Chenle has lost count of how many times he and Jeno have ended up going out alone in the last few months, his friends scheduling things and then canceling at the last minute to leave the two of them alone. He doesn't know if they realized that Jeno and Chenle were, relatively, awkward with each other and so they started pushing them to go out together, but it kind of worked, because they felt comfortable in each other's presence again, despite the Big Issue. 

"They're kissing now," Jeno warns, and Chenle continues without wanting to look. "They're hot together, actually." 

"Will you get hard at the sight of the two of them making out?" Chenle asks playfully, although he knows that Jeno won't. 

"No, only you have that power in me," Jeno smiles, and Chenle's heart probably races. Jeno has no right to say such things so lightly, it makes Chenle look like a fish out of water. 

"Shut up, Jeno," Chenle says weakly, but actually he means 'please kiss me and pretend that we are not avoiding our feelings for each other.

"Do you want to dance?" Jeno asks, and Chenle stares at him for a few seconds. He wants to dance with Jeno, but Jeno is wearing only a vest with nothing underneath, exposing his pointed collarbone, his tattooed chest as well as his arms, and accentuating his thin, perfect waist for Chenle to hold, so he doesn't know if this decision will be wise. 

"Of course," he ends up saying because Chenle is a very, very weak man. 

So they dance, feeling hot even though it's autumn, and bring their bodies together as they follow the rhythm of the music. Jisung shows up to dance with them at some point, and Jeno pushes him away slightly when Jisung starts rubbing up against Chenle a little too much, causing the Park to raise his hands in surrender with a smile on his face. Both Jisung and Chenle know that Jeno was jealous, but Chenle doesn't let Jisung comment on it. 

They drink some more, dance, even more, take rest breaks, and then talk about stupid things that you talk about while drunk. By dawn, Chenle is a little soberer, deciding that he wants to go to sleep. 

"Hey," Chenle shouts to Renjun and Donghyuck who are talking on the couch with the Huang on his husband's lap. Renjun looks at him, apparently soberer as well. "Which room is mine?" 

Renjun reaches into his pocket, pulling out a card to give to Chenle, the card has the initials of his and Jeno's names on top of a tape. 

"You’ll share a room with Jeno," Renjun says, "You only have this card, so don't lose." 

"Jisung got his own room?" Chenle asks indignantly. 

"He's our maknae, he can do anything," Donghyuck replies, smiling, "Not to mention that you wouldn't want to share a room with him, because he went upstairs an hour ago with one of Mark's cousins." 

Chenle grimaces, not wanting to think about Jisung having sex, so he just says goodbye to his friends. He looks around for Jeno among the people, finding him drinking alone at the bar. 

"Apparently we are sharing a room," Chenle warns him, showing him the card. "I'm going upstairs, so write down the door number because there is only one card." 

Jeno flips over his drink and then gets up from his stool. 

"I'm coming up too," he warns, and Chenle just shrugs. 

When the two of them enter the room, Chenle lets out a curse, because well, there is only one bed. One with a box of condoms and rose petals on top of the white comforter, and Chenle just stares in astonishment. 

"Wow, how inviting," Jeno says behind him with an amused tone. 

Chenle stares at the bed, and suddenly everything makes sense. He is torn between being angry and finding the whole situation stupid, but now he understands his friend's strange behavior. 

"Wait a minute," Chenle says aloud, "I don't believe this." 

"The condoms?" Jeno asks confused. "Given our history, it's actually comforting to know that they exist in case we decide to be stupid." Chenle could laugh at this, or make a joke, but all he can feel now is his irritation with his nosy friends. 

"That's not it," Chenle denies it. "Do you know where Jisung's room is?" 

Jeno looks at him strangely, but realizes that Chenle is serious for some reason, so he just nods. 

"He sent the room number in the group, in case Mark's cousin kills him while he sleeps, you know how paranoid Jisung is." 

"Good, let's go there now," Chenle says, and Jeno is about to retort, but Chenle just pulls him by the hand, going to Jisung's room with determined steps. 

He knocks hard on the door, and after a few minutes a sleepy-faced Jisung in a hotel robe appears, Chenle couldn't care less that he woke him up. 

Without explanation, Chenle reaches under Jisung's outstretched arm, ignoring the boy sleeping on one of the beds in the room. 

Two. Jisung's room has two beds, and Chenle is sure he hasn't had any boxes of condoms or rose petals. He's going to kill his friends. 

"I knew it!" He lets out loud. "Fucking two beds." 

"What?" Jisung asks confused, totally sleepy. 

"Who died?" Mark's cousin asks in a muffled voice, and Chenle may be sorry for waking him up in particular. 

"No one yet," Chenle answers him. "You," he points to Jisung, "Our room, now." 

Jeno stares at him as if Chenle is crazy, and Jisung just seems too sleepy to process everything, so he just shrugs and obeys Chenle. 

"Wait," Chenle calls him back. "At least change, I don't want you naked and sitting on my bed," he grimaces, "I'll meet you there, and if you don't show up I'll drag you in."

"Okay?" Jisung replies confused. 

Chenle leaves his room, dragging Jeno with him who just follows him confused. 

"What's going on?" 

"You will find out, but first I need you to get Mark and Jaemin to come to our room too. I'll take Renjun and Donghyuck."

"Why?" Jeno frowns.

"Just bring them to me, you'll understand in a minute," Chenle says, "We just need to talk."

Jeno gives up on understanding, so he just sighs and agrees with Chenle. 

After fifteen minutes, all his friends are in their room, and Chenle almost starts his speech by throwing the damn condoms in their faces. 

"Are you going to explain yourself or...?" Renjun asks with a yawn. 

Chenle paces from side to side and then stops in front of his bed with his hand on his waist. The couples are sitting on the bed, and Jisung is lying behind them, almost asleep again, while Jeno is sitting in an armchair. 

"All these months I have been wondering what was wrong with you," Chenle begins to speak, sounding irritated. "First it was that dinner where you ignored me and Jeno and then you made that weird scene about us sharing dessert, then Donghyuck gave us free tickets to the game without asking for anything in return, and then you spent months asking us out and then canceling at the last minute or leaving early to leave us alone. And I thought you wanted to get our friendship back to normal until I came here and there is only one bed in the room while Jisung was sleeping alone in a room with two beds," he quickly pours it out, "So answer me honestly, are you trying to set Jeno up with me?" 

They all fall silent, and the five on the bed begin to exchange extremely incriminating glances, making Chenle sure he is right. 

"Now it makes sense," Jeno comments, looking much calmer than Chenle, but he has never been the type to get angry very often. 

They still don't respond, seeming to be having a silent conversation with each other, like the culprits they definitely are. 

"Stop staring at each other and just tell the truth," Chenle asks, crossing his arms. 

"You know what, I'll tell you the truth," Renjun says, throwing his hands up in the air as if he has lost his patience. "You two dated that one time and we didn't think it was important because it lasted two months and then you acted like nothing happened, which is fine! We just thought you were horny, it happens! But then, in our second year of college you," he points to Chenle, "just got drunk and bit Jeno's ass, and Donghyuck and I were sure you were going to have sex." 

Chenle sort of remembers that day, he and Jeno almost kissed on it, but they have almost kissed in so many situations over the past few years, that Chenle has lost count. He just didn't expect that Renjun and Donghyuck would remember it too. 

"And after that, it was obvious that you had some weird tension going on between you," Renjun continued, and Chenle never thought he would hear from other people that they too noticed them in this way. "And then on the day we made Jaemin realize that he was stupid, we made a joke that we just have to set you and Jeno together." 

"Thanks, Jun," Jaemin retorts ironically,  "After that, Mark and I found out too, and started trying to figure out if there was anything between you because we wanted to get you together before Renjun and Donghyuck." 

Chenle finds them all completely ridiculous and he can't believe that they are adults. 

"And they asked me if I knew anything, and stuck me in the story," Jisung says, trying to prove his innocence. 

"At the wedding, you caught the bouquet, and Hyuck and I were sure that it was fate telling us that we should bring you together," Renjun adds, and Chenle frowns. "Until the next day, when Jisung said that you definitely had sex and convinced us to let you two work it out on your own." 

"Did you know?" He asks Jisung in shock, who just shrugs his shoulders as if agreeing in a thousand different ways. "And you told them?" Now he sounds betrayed. 

"Hey, if I didn't tell them, they'd meddle, so I did you a favor." 

"How did you find out?" Jeno asks curiously as if the whole situation doesn't bother him, which Chenle doesn't understand, because all his friends will now find out about them. 

"I was in the room next to Chenle, and you were fucking loud. So I went to your room to sleep, but you didn't open the door, which is fine because you might have been in a very heavy sleep," Jisung explains, "But the other day you had a hickey on your neck, and you and Chenle couldn't even face each other properly and it was all too obvious." 

"And he told us, so we decided to cancel our possible competition and let you two get along like adults," Mark says as if he were a great adult trying to get his best friends together over some stupid competition. "Not to mention that this is how Monica and Chandler started dating, and Friends is Chenle's favorite show, so we thought, gee, this is going to be romantic!" 

Chenle wants to choke them. 

"But you didn't say anything and we couldn't ask, so we didn't know if you were having a thing or not," Donghyuck explains, as if this fact makes him sad, "Until my birthday, where you two slept over at Chenle's and the next day Jaemin met you." 

"And guess what? There was another hickey visible on him," Jaemin says. 

"But then after that you guys got weird, and we realized that your normal flirting and begging-for-dick looks were probably your way of saying that you liked each other," Donghyuck says, and Chenle ignores the part about the staring. "And we came to the conclusion that something was wrong, but after a while, Jeno showed up dating Taehyun, which was fine because we loved him, and there was nothing else we could do to bring you guys together." 

"And it was very hard not to say that we knew and ask what happened," Jaemin speaks, sounding almost apologetic. "Most of us thought that you only had sex for fun, but Jisung said that he was pretty sure that you liked each other, which didn't make sense because if that was the case, why would Jeno date anyone else?"

"And then they broke up, and we came to a consensus that maybe you really needed a push, because the awkwardness between you hadn't gone away yet," Renjun continues, "And that's when we teamed up intending to bring the two of you together." 

They finish speaking, and Chenle is extremely shocked to learn that they knew about what had happened between the two of them the last few times. Chenle doesn't know if he's angry or just betrayed that they did something like this behind his back, but regardless of what he's feeling, it's not big enough for him to resent his friends. 

"A plan with a good intention, but it was never going to work," Jeno says after a while. "Chenle already knows that I am in love with him." 

Renjun frowns, Jaemin lets out an unpronounceable noise and Mark looks extremely confused. Chenle wants to shut Jeno up because there is something very intimidating about letting people know about this hidden part between the two of them. 

"What?" Jisung is the first to ask. 

"And we lied in high school, we didn't date for two months, in fact, we kind of dated in secret for much longer than that," Jeno reveals. 

"What?" Jaemin lets out, at the same time as Renjun says:

"What the fuck?" 

Chenle wants to shut Jeno up, fearing that everyone will hate him if he starts saying how indecisive and weak Chenle is.

"Jeno!" Chenle says his name with a subtle 'stop talking'.

"What?" Jeno asks, pretending not to see why Chenle doesn't want them to know. "They already know half the story, Lele, and we both know that they’re too curious to let the subject die, so let's just tell them." 

"He's right," Donghyuck agrees. 

"So you dated for months under our noses? And then what?" Mark asks. 

"Chenle broke up with me, and then we spent all those years ignoring that we still liked each other," Jeno shrugs. "We kissed once while still in college, fought about it and promised not to do it again, until the wedding day, and after that, the last time something happened between us was Hyuck's birthday last year," Jeno says, "But other than that, there is nothing between us." 

"What. The. Fuck?" Renjun repeats. "Wait a minute, you've been in love with each other all this time, you know it, and you're not together?" He asks, shocked. "What is wrong with you two?" 

Jeno this time doesn't answer, leaving it up to Chenle whether or not he wants to reveal the reason, because it's mostly his problem. Chenle appreciates it, but he doesn't think he can get away with it. 

" I am the problem, and I don't want to talk about it," Chenle retorts, hoping that Renjun will let the matter die, but he obviously doesn't. 

"We're already digging everything up, so you better talk, because we've been trying to get you two together for months, and now you're telling me that you're not together yet because you don't want to be?" He widens his eyes as if showing his indignation through them. 

"That's my problem," Chenle retorts defensively. 

"Chenle, I swear to God, if the reason isn't that you have a terminal illness or have been promised to someone else, I will beat you up," Renjun threatens. Chenle is almost afraid, almost.  

"I'm not going to talk about my problems like that, is this group therapy?" 

"He's defensive, I'm sure it's something that could be solved with two therapy sessions," Donghyuck comments, lying down on the bed as if he knows the conversation will last. 

"No one will judge you, Lele," Jaemin says sympathetically, with the same tone he uses with Yeojin to say that it was just a little scratch when she falls to the floor. "Everyone here has problems, and we’re your best friends. If Jeno already knows, it's okay for him to hear it again, isn't it? And if you want to tell just one of us, we can leave the room." 

"My ass," Renjun retorts as if he's angry that Chenle refuses to open up. 

"Renjun," Jaemin scolds him, and sometimes it's so obvious that he is a father, that Chenle almost smiles. 

Chenle knows that they are his best friends, the people who followed all his teenage crises and hugged him when he was extremely sad that his parents didn't care about him. The same friends who grew up with him, nursed his hangovers, and showed up at his graduation in his family's place. The same friends who became his safe place, and then his chosen family, the one his heart will always prioritize no matter what. And Jaemin is right, Jeno already knows, not in every word, but he knows anyway because he knows Chenle inside and out. 

Chenle has never hidden his feelings, so a part of him knows that he doesn't need to hide them now. 

"I'm scared," he says, "I've been in love with Jeno for a long time, but I'm afraid that one day he’ll leave, because he's everything I've ever wanted, and if he leaves I’ll get hurt." Chenle sighs, "It's stupid, but to me, it's like a war is going on in my head, and I can't stop thinking that he'll get tired of me. Just like my parents did." 

Chenle does not have the courage to face Jeno, afraid of what he might find on his face if he does. Jaemin and Mark are staring at him with soft expressions as if they somehow complete each other and then give Chenle the comfort he needs together. Jisung and Donghyuck look surprised that Chenle actually said such a thing, but Renjun looks angry. 

"Zhong Chenle," Renjun says, standing up and putting his hands on his waist. "I can't believe that you have been denying your own happiness for years because you were scared of a possibility that will probably never be real," he says. "All this time, Jeno is still in love with you, and at this point, he has probably seen all your faults and your fears while you were avoiding him, so what are you afraid of? Don't you think we are afraid too?" He points to the bed, "We all are, Jeno has his fears, I have mine. Don't you think I'm scared to death that Donghyuck will think I'm too bossy and ask for a divorce when I get angry too easily? Don't you think that Mark and Jaemin have a thousand insecurities running through their heads because of their marriage? 

Everyone has fears, Chenle. But don't let them consume you and stop you from being happy. Your parents were terrible examples in your life, but none of us is like them, because we love you and you are part of our family. You will make a big mistake if you keep denying Jeno just because you are afraid, 'cause one of the best things about love is that it makes you brave. So stop being stupid, and allow yourself to be brave, allow yourself to love and let Jeno love you back." 

Chenle remains silent, not quite knowing what to say. Renjun is known to give his various aggressive speeches, but Chenle appreciates the words spoken in them because even though he was called stupid, they comforted him in a way. Renjun makes it seem that most problems in life are fixable. 

"And you," he points to Jeno. "Stop holding back what you feel, Chenle is a scared asshole, but you also have to voice the things you want and stop letting people decide things for you." Chenle almost smiles when he sees that he's not the only one being lectured. "Now I'm done, does anyone want to say anything else?" 

"I do," Donghyuck says. He is looking at Renjun adoringly now, and Chenle swears that he can almost see his eyes shining as if he falls in love with Renjun every time he looks at him. "I would never divorce you because you are bossy, baby, I love it when you boss me around." 

"Shut up, Donghyuck," Renjun retorts, although his cheeks are slightly flushed. 

"And I also love it when you’re mean to me." He smiles even wider. "I love you, I'll never ask for a divorce from you." 

"Be quiet," Renjun asks (orders). 

"Oh, I love love," Jaemin comments with a smile, laying his head on Mark's shoulder. "And Renjun is right, Lele. Love makes you brave, so just try not to be so afraid and after a while, you will feel braver than ever." 

"Exactly," Mark nods, kissing Jaemin's knuckles softly. "Now, I think we should let you two talk." 

"And this time really talk," Jisung asks, getting up as if he can't stand their drama any longer. "Now, I'm going back to my room because I was rudely forced to leave my guest alone."

"Have a good fuck," Chenle wishes him sincerely, receiving a middle finger in response. 

His other friends also stand up, as if they know that now it's just between Jeno and Chenle. 

"Renjun," Chenle calls him when he's already at the door, his friend looks at him. 

"Thank you." He smiles. "And you're going to be a great dad." Chenle sees Renjun's eyes fill with tears as if he had some doubt about this and Chenle had just erased it. 

"Be happy," he asks before leaving, but like everything about Renjun, it sounds like an order, one that Chenle doesn't want to disobey.

The room is silent, and Chenle knows that at some point he will have to face Jeno. But he just needs a few seconds to absorb everything that has been said, and then stop avoiding the inevitable that he has been trying to erase since he was seventeen. 

"Chenle," Jeno calls him, with such affection that Chenle could take his hand in it as if it were something material. 

"A few more seconds, and we can talk about this," Chenle asks.

"No," Jeno contradicts him. "You don't have to say anything now, but I do, so just listen to me, okay?" 

Chenle looks at a random point on the wall but just nods. 

"I never told you about this because I always thought it was something obvious, but maybe I have been wrong all these years and you needed to hear it." He takes a deep breath. "Nothing about you seems too much for me, Chenle. I love your intensity and how you always fill every room you pass with your presence. I love how you allow yourself to feel all things without fear of what your emotions might cause, and I love how free you are in every little action you accomplish." Chenle listens to Jeno stand up. "I know that you have your fears, but believe me when I say that nothing about you will make me want to leave you. Renjun is right, for all these years, I never stopped being in love with you, and I tried like a fool all this time, but none of them was you." Jeno's voice sounds closer and closer, and Chenle feels like he's trembling. "You said that usually in a relationship, you imagine your future with the person and plan for it, but every time I thought about a future, I fantasized about you in every scenario." 

Jeno stops in front of him, and Chenle finds him beautiful, so absurdly beautiful. Jeno who never liked to talk about his feelings is now opening his heart to Chenle. 

"I won't tell you what you have to do, and if you still don't want to try again with me, I will respect your decision as I have done all these years," Jeno says, his sincere eyes pouring out his love for Chenle. "But I need you to know that I love you and that I have loved you for all these years, preparing myself to love you in all the others." 

Chenle draws in a short breath, wanting nothing more than to be held by Jeno, and then to feel the security he gives him. 

All these years, Chenle has been too afraid to try anything, but his friends' confession might have been the little kick he needed. Because how can Chenle not believe them when they are the most passionate people he has ever met? His friends overflow their love, and they have their own problems, but they still wake up every day knowing that they are loved and will always find their way home in one person. Chenle trusts them, and they're trusting Chenle to do the right thing now. 

He is still afraid, so afraid that he can feel it eating him up inside, but when he looks into Jeno's eyes and can silently read all of his feelings for Chenle, he knows that with a love this big, no evil can bring him down.

"I'm sorry," Chenle asks in a whisper, "I'm so sorry for hurting you for all these years, and for prolonging the inevitable that brought us to this moment." 

"Everything’s fine," Jeno says softly, "I would suffer all over again if it meant that in the end, I would have you." Then he looks at Chenle with a certain concern, as if he doesn't know what the boy will decide.  

"I choose you," Chenle speaks with a smile. "I apologize for taking so long."

"Bless Huang Renjun," Jeno jokes in a low tone, smiling back at Chenle. 

"Jeno," Chenle calls him with a whisper, "I love you too." 

Jeno sighs as if he can't believe this moment is real. 

"I'm going to kiss you now," he warns. 

Then they kiss, and as always, everything feels incredibly right, as if Chenle had lost all his senses for years, and only now, with Jeno, could he regain them again. He holds Jeno by his shoulders, kissing him with such passion that he hopes Jeno is getting the message. 

Chenle doesn't know how long they keep kissing, he only knows that with Jeno, he would spend hours stuck in the same moment just to relive it all over again. 

— — — 

Like all things, it all started with a wedding, and now Chenle is in yet another one, thankful that at least this will be the last one. 

Chenle was right in the end because Jaemin and Mark's marriage is better than Renjun and Donghyuck's, but he will never tell either of them that, for fear of what might happen if it does. 

Mark and Jaemin were married on an autumn afternoon, in white and pink suits, matching the decor and flowers, and with Renjun and Donghyuck as groomsmen, where one wore a pastel blue suit and the other a light yellow suit (Mark and Jaemin's favorite colors). Chenle dares to say that the highlight of the evening was Yeojin in her white dress with pink bow carrying the rings, while Mark tried very hard not to cry with every step she took. Chenle thinks it's funny that they cry so much, but doesn't joke about it out of respect for love. 

Jeno is at his side, with his hand holding his, and they watch the whole ceremony with wide smiles on their faces. Jaemin wrote vows so large that he read two pages, front and back, and halfway through the first page, everyone was already crying horribly. Even Chenle dropped a tear, and Yeojin just stared in confusion at the whole commotion of cries, not understanding why everyone was crying if they were happy.

The rest of the ceremony went extremely well, with everyone eating and dancing, Chenle expected nothing but happiness at his best friend's wedding, and he feels extremely fulfilled. 

Perhaps, all his good humor is coming from one particular person, with silky black hair, a dark blue suit, numerous tattoos intrinsic to his body, and a new piercing on his tongue (Chenle is obsessed with the piercing in question). 

The dating life with Jeno is even better than the friendship life with Jeno. Chenle no longer has to worry about forbidden kisses or be afraid that the next day, Jeno will no longer be in his bed. Now, more than ever, Chenle understands what Jeno meant in how in his future, he just fantasizes about him in every scenario because Chenle is like this. Even though they have only been dating for a month, the two have already loved each other for a lifetime, and although his fear is still present in his shadow, Chenle knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Jeno. 

Chenle is sitting at the bar with Jeno, as close as possible to his boyfriend with the excuse that he is cold. 

"Do you realize that, with all the odds of the universe, we find love within our group?" Chenle asks Jeno, a little drunk. "Like, we're very lucky."

"Love is making you superstitious, kitten," Jeno jokes, stroking his hair gently. 

"Are you saying that you don't think you are lucky to be with me, Lee Jeno?" Chenle asks with a raised eyebrow, and Jeno smiles at him softly. 

"The luckiest of all." He gives him a kiss on the nose, and Chenle smiles at the action, feeling extremely silly inside. 

"Hello lovebirds," Jisung greets them, squeezing himself in between the two of them to be annoying. "Jaemin is going to throw the bouquet." 

Chenle lets out a grunt, he has had his share of bouquets for the rest of his life. 

"And this interests us, because...?" Chenle asks. 

"I don't know, good luck in love and stuff?"  Jisung shrugs, putting his elbows on the counter. 

"We are already very lucky, thank you," Chenle replies. 

"It would be funny if you caught it again," Jeno laughs, although he doesn't believe in the luck of the bouquet. 

Chenle rolls his eyes, knowing that the odds are minimal. From where they are sitting, Chenle can see the small audience to catch the bouquet, right in front of them, and none of the three of them moves a muscle to leave their seats. 

Jaemin counts to three and then throws the bouquet back. It is thrown, and with perfect aim, falls straight into Jeno's arms. Chenle starts to laugh, and Jeno just holds the bouquet with some amusement, Jisung shakes his head in delight, and Jaemin lets out a faraway complaint, something like: them again? 

"I guess love really is on our side," Chenle says, not believing that in two weddings, the bouquet has chosen him and Jeno. 

"But it's a little late, don't you think?" Jeno asks with a smile. 

"You're right, we don't need this anymore," Chenle agrees. "Do you want our bouquet, Sung?" 

Jisung frowns because he obviously doesn't want one. 

"Hey, the bouquet doesn't just bring romance, it also attracts a good fuck," Jeno says, and then exchanges a complicit look with Chenle, who smiles secretly at him. 

"You guys are weird, and I'm allergic to flowers," Jisung says, which is a lie because the whole place is infested with flowers. "Now if you'll excuse me, my niece is calling me to steal candy." He disengages himself from the counter, walking over to Yeojin who is calling out to him with a hand with a face that indicates mischief. 

Jeno and Chenle approach again, leaving the bouquet on the counter. Neither of them wants the promise of marriage that the bouquet carries, and Chenle is fine with that. 

Most things start with a wedding, but Chenle and Jeno won't need one to start or finish something, they are happy to build things without that particular promise. 

"So, does this bouquet also provide good fucks?" Chenle asks. 

"Only after midnight," Jeno smiles amused, tucking Chenle's hair behind his ear adoringly. "Did you know that I love you?" 

Chenle's heart gives a little happy jump. 

"Maybe I do," he answers. "Did you know that I love you?" 

"I definitely do." 

And Chenle couldn't be happier, because, after all these years, he finally knows that Jeno will always be sure that Chenle loves him. 

Written in the stars, there will be a constellation of Chenle entirely made for Jeno, so even after millions of years, their love is still shining in the sky, and everyone will then know; that Zhong Chenle loved Lee Jeno so much, that as a proof of love, he wrote in the stars everything they felt for each other.