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Alex knows that he’s not normal. There is something wrong with him. Something he suspects goes beyond the swiss cheese that is his memory. Because some days he can barely remember his name. Even on good days, he can’t tell you what his mom or dad looked like or where he went to school. He knows he lived with his uncle Ian and their housekeeper Jack. But he doesn’t know who those people are; doesn’t know what they looked like, what they liked or what annoyed them. He doesn’t even know how long he lived with them. They’re indistinct, faceless shades fading out of his reach the harder he tries to reach for them. But even though he can’t name a single significant moment in his life, he has never forgotten how to scan a room for exits or how to order objects by their likely effectiveness as a weapon. He knows how to fire a gun – as far as he can tell, knows how to fire any gun. He can’t remember the face of his best friend, but he knows exactly where to aim to kill a man or to incapacitate.
The members of K-Unit tell him that he needs to stay with them, that they can keep him safe. They’re being hunted, they say and Alex is only safe if he stays with them. But Alex doesn’t believe it. It’s true they may be being followed. He can’t say much about that one way or another given how careful K-Unit is around him. But Alex certainly isn’t safe. K-Unit may try to coddle him, never giving clear answers to his questions, but Alex knows enough to tell that whatever past is hiding in the holes and silences of his mind, it has shaped him into a monster. So no, he isn’t safe. Wherever he goes, there is always a monster in the room, lurking in the dark shadows of Alex’s mind.
“Alex,” says Ben, or is it Fox? That’s another thing Alex can’t seem to keep clear these days. One of them is a code name and the other his real name. He knows that. Or maybe both are code names? It’s frustrating not knowing. Frustrating knowing that he should know, that it’s just one more way his brain is betraying him. “Hey Alex. You still with us? Wolf is heading out to take care of a job and I thought it might be the perfect chance to pick up some new clothes for you. I think you’ve shot up again.”
Alex nods. Fox was the right name then. They’re all animals here. And he would be… he would be Cub if they trusted him to remember it. He would be Cub. It was a joke he knew, but no one was willing to explain it to him. Shaking away the thoughts, Alex forces himself back to the present. It’s easier now than it used to be.
Fox is right that his clothes have started to get tighter, but Alex suspects that the real reason they’re going shopping is to keep him away from whatever work Wolf has managed to find. Alex isn’t supposed to know that Wolf – and probably everyone else in K-Unit too – has gotten involved with an illegal gambling ring. It’s one of the things they try to keep hidden from him. One of the many things. But Alex is willing to go along with it for now. Whatever else K-Unit has planned, they seem to be the only people who know the truth about Alex’s past.
“As long as it’s not Primark again,” Alex jokes once he realizes that Fox expects a verbal answer.
“You and your posh sensibilities. In case you couldn’t tell, we’re running a bit on a budget here, your highness. But as it turns out, you’re in luck. T.K. Maxx is nearer.”
Alex affects a put-upon sigh, but gets up. Whatever relationship they had before, Ben- Fox at least still teases him, tries to pretend that things are normal. Pretends not to see all the cracks holes that make Alex up now. It’s… nice. Not as nice as answers would be, but still more than he gets from the others.
And because of that, Alex refrains from pointing out that since they’ve come to Sheffield their funds have actually become a lot more stable. It turns out, crime does in fact pay. Who would have thought? They might not have enough to buy him an Armani wardrobe, but they’re no longer hurting for cash like they had been in the beginning when they’d been switching cities like they were dirty socks.
“How did you know me, Fox?” Alex asks as they carefully double lock the door to their rented flat. It’s an old question at this point. A tired one. At this point, Alex doesn’t really expect a straight answer anymore. But he still has to ask. And without Wolf around, there is a slim chance that Fox might let something new slip. He’s clearly the one who knew Alex best Before. And clearly the one who is least comfortable hiding the past from Alex now.
“You know I can’t tell you,” Fox says, voice tight with regret.
“Can’t or won’t, Ben?” Alex asks, trying to keep a grip on the desperate thrum of his pulse. “Do you know what it’s like not to know who you are? Not to know what you are? I know you and the rest of K-Unit want to protect me. Wolf says you want to make sure I can live a normal life. But that won’t ever happen. I’m not normal. And not telling me why won’t change that. But maybe if I knew, I could understand why I’m missing so much. Understand why I only have holes and gray spaces where my whole childhood should be.”
Fox lets out a long, slow sigh. “It’s not a pretty story, Alex.”
Alex looks back at him, willing Ben to understand how much worse it is to have to guess. The devil you know is after all better than the devil you don’t. And whatever else he might be, might have been, Alex isn’t one to shy away from something just because it’s painful.
“Look, Wolf has his reasons for not wanting you to have to deal with everything that went down,” Fox says at last, tone indicating he’s decided against saying more..
“Not deal with it? Ben, just because I don’t remember, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have to deal with it. I remember enough. I killed people. I was good at killing people. I mean I must be with the way I can fire a gun. The way I can look at an object and know 10 different ways to turn it into a weapon. Whatever I was, I was a monster. That’s why we’re running isn’t it? You think I can have a second chance because I don’t remember anymore. But there are still consequences. Whatever I did, there are still consequences.”
“Listen, Alex,” Ben has stopped walking now. His voice is low, barely louder than a whisper, but no less intense for it, “you were never a monster. You were a boy. A boy who was given no good options, but you still always managed better than anyone could have expected. You were willing to risk your life so you could save the lives of strangers. You saved my life. And instead of thanking you for it, they always just took more and more from you. If anyone is a monster, it would be us. We saw what was happening right in front of our eyes, but we didn’t understand it. We didn’t want to understand it. Not until after your accident. But you’re right. There should be consequences for what happened to you. That’s what we’re trying to do here. But you shouldn’t be the one to pay them. Nothing about it was your fault. After everything you’ve done for this country, you deserve to have a happy, peaceful life. And I know it’s frustrating having so many blank spaces in your memory, but I only know the bad parts and you’re definitely better off if you never have to think about those parts again.”
Fox turns back toward the pavement, clearly having reached the extent of what he is willing to say. “Now come on, we really do need to get you some clothes that fit.”
Alex nods, automatically keeping pace with Ben as his mind starts to turn over the other man’s words. It’s the most anyone has been willing to tell him about his past, but it still is painfully insufficient to fill the gaps left by his missing memories. And yet for the first time, Alex starts to wonder if it really would be better not to remember. There was genuine pain in Fox’s voice when he talked about having witnessed whatever it was that had happened to Alex. And it was clear that the older man at least believed whatever demons were trapped waiting in Alex’s lost memories were better off left there. That regardless of what Alex had done, it was because he didn’t have a choice. Would it be better to follow K-Unit’s lead and pretend whatever past he had lived had never happened?
All this time, Alex had been willing to follow K-Unit’s lead in the hopes that they would be the key to filling in the missing time and people and events in his life. And it was becoming clearer and clearer that they had no intention of doing so. Fox had mentioned that they were trying to enact consequences for whatever had happened to Alex. But how could you take revenge for a crime if there was no victim? If he didn’t remember, was he freeing himself from his past, or was he simply allowing them to take even more from him. Whoever exactly they were.
The thoughts kept circling through Alex’s head as they walked to the clothing store. And as Alex let Fox make suggestions for things he should try on, he couldn’t help but feel it was too much. Had he ever had the ability to make a choice about anything meaningful in his life? Sure Fox would let him choose what color T-shirt he wanted to wear, but nothing with a logo that might stick in people’s minds. He could choose the cut and style of his pants, he could even choose what food they bought for lunch, but he wasn’t allowed to make the decision to know who he had been before. He wasn’t allowed to know what K-Unit was doing on their quest for revenge, or justice or however they saw it.
It was just too much. Apparently he had never been able to make his own decisions before either. Fox had said that Alex had no options, that was why whatever terrible things Alex had done weren’t his fault. Well, maybe it was time he made his own options. Maybe it was passed time to stop pretending that things would get better if he stayed with K-Unit. Was it a smart decision? Probably not, Alex had pieced together enough by now to know that the threat K-Unit was hiding from, was certainly real. But at the moment he didn’t care. It might be a stupid decision, but it would be one that he made. And if there really was no way to get back the identity of who he had been before, maybe it was high time he started to create a new one for himself.
“Ben,” Alex called out from behind the dressing room curtain, “I really like the green shirt, but it’s the wrong size. Could you get it for me in one smaller? I think we got it from the display at the back of the store.”
It would take Ben roughly three minutes to exchange the shirt, which Alex had purposely grabbed a size bigger than he needed. But three minutes was plenty of time to slip out. Alex had already changed into one of the T-Shirts from his pile – having removed the plastic tag – and grabbed a beanie from one of the displays on their way over. That would slow Fox down if he tried to visually locate Alex, but it wouldn’t buy him that much time. Which meant Alex had three minutes to be out of the store and mingling in with the crowd of weekend shoppers.
It’s almost too easy in the end. None of the store employees look at him twice as he walks out and the shopping district is bustling enough that no one pays any attention to another teen out to meet up with friends. Which was why part of Alex isn’t surprised to feel an unfamiliar hand on his shoulder. Nothing in life can ever be easy.
He considers, for a moment, trying to make a scene, but the thought vanishes as he turns to face his assailant.
“Yassen Gregorovich,” Alex says, puzzled because he can’t remember anything else about the man. “How do I know you?”
It’s probably not wise to let on that he doesn’t know, but something about the man feels… familiar. Not safe. Never safe. But Alex is nearly certain that the older man looking down at Alex as though he is a particularly interesting puzzle, is not part of the organization K-Unit has been trying to hide Alex from.
“So it is true, you really don’t remember. Where are your minders, little Alex?”
“I left Fox in the T.K. Maxx,” Alex says, unsure why he is being so truthful about this, “He’ll notice that I’ve gone pretty soon though.”
“Then I suppose we don’t have much time. It wasn’t very smart of you to run from them, Alex. MI6 is more determined to find you now than ever. But perhaps it has worked out in your favor this time.”
Alex files the new clue away to consider later as Yassen guides them over to a bench. Whatever else the older man wants, Alex suspects he wants Ben to see them together.
“Has K-Unit told you the truth about your past yet?”
“No.” Alex looks away, anger rising unexpectedly in him again. “Fox and Wolf think that it’s better I forget it. They say they only know the worst parts and that no one would be better off remembering them.” Looking back up, he continues, “But it’s my life. It doesn’t matter how bad it was. It’s still mine.”
Yassen is silent for a moment, and Alex wonders again who this person was to him, because it seems like this isn’t the first emotional outburst the older man has witnessed.
Finally he speaks, “It is your decision, and although I too only know what your Fox refers to as the ‘worst parts’ I can tell you. You have the right to make your own decisions. But there isn’t time for that right now.”
Reaching into his jacket pocket, Yassen pulls out a phone and after typing on it for a moment, passes it to Alex. “Don’t let anyone see that you have this. I’ve programmed the number of one of my burner phones onto it. You can use this to contact me and I’ll see that we can set up a time to meet to answer your questions. But for now, I need you to pass this on to your K-Unit, it should be enough to speed up their quest.”
This, it turns out, is a fairly standard mini-USB stick, proudly proclaiming itself to have 64 GB of storage. Before he can ask what is on it though, Yassen has already gotten up. “Your Fox is looking for you, so I think it’s best I go. Until next time, little Alex.
When Fox finally makes it over to the bench, his expression is pinched with worry. “That man, did you know him, Alex? What did he want with you?”
Alex shrugged. Did he know Yassen Gregorovich? Not really, knowing a name is hardly knowing a person.
“He said to give you this. That it would help you accomplish your mission.”