Chapter Text
< Messages Tony Details
TS 6:42am: Glad tidings and salutations, Pep! You’ll never guess what I did last night
PP 6:45am: I am not having this conversation before 9 a.m.
TS 6:46am: Hold that thought
TS 9:01am: Good day, sunshine!
TS 9:01am: I’ve finally done it: I found your soulmate.
PP 9:12am: I am not having this conversation EVER.
TS 9:17am: Peppppppppppper
PP 9:43am: No
TS 9:43am: You can’t say “no” to your soulmate!
PP 9:51am: Tony, no
TS 9:52am: You’re going to love this guy, I promise
TS 9:52am: Much better than the last one
TS 9:53am: I scheduled a lunch date for you tomorrow, what’s more innocuous than a lunch date? Just meet him!
TS 9:55am: It bums me out when you eat lunch at your desk in front of your computer. Bums everyone out, really. I’m trying to build a better workplace
PP 9:55am: Tony! I’m trying to WORK in the workplace!
PP 9:56am: And I know for a fact you’re in a shareholder meeting right now, so put your phone away. Nobody trusts you with a phone in your hand after what you did at that hearing
TS 9:57am: Nope. I’m going to unsettle the shareholders with my tech savvy and ill-mannered negligence until you say yes to your destiny.
TS 9:58am: Jeez, you sure are treating the shareholders poorly
TS 9:59am: SOULMATE, Potts! Would I kid about this?
PP 10:02am: The last time you set me up, it was with your chauffeur.
TS 10:03am: And I still think you should have given Happy a chance, he’s a great guy!
PP 10:05am: Tony, my answer is no.
TS 10:07am: Okay, fine, I can take a hint. I’ll find you a taller soulmate.
PP 10:10am: I assure you it’s not a height issue. I am not looking for a soulmate
TS 10:11am: That is the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard.
TS 10:11am: You have the suicide hotline number, right?
TS 10:11am: For when your pitiful spinsterhood becomes too much to bear and you start getting the itch to dive off the George Washington Bridge?
PP 10:12am: OH MY GOD
PP 10:12am: If you MUST know, I’m already seeing someone
TS 10:13am: Pepper
TS 10:13am: Pepper I must know
TS 10:13am: It’s hurtful when you push me out of your life like this Pepper
PP 10:14am: I’m turning off my phone
TS 10:15am: Well honestly I’m not paying you to text anyway
PP 10:15am: GOODBYE, TONY
TRULUVCLUB MEMBER REGISTRATION
Name: Pepper Potts
Email: [email protected]
Phone: 212-381-4324
Age: 27
Gender: F
Location: Malibu, CA
Hair color: Prefer not to say
Eye color: Prefer not to say
Height: Prefer not to say
Companion Characteristics
Age: 25-31
Gender: M
Occupation (select from drop down): Humanitarian Works
Education Level (select from drop down): Bachelor’s Degree
Relationship Type (select from drop down): Casual dating
Briefly describe any personality preferences for your companion: Focused, attentive, kind, quiet, reliable. Doesn’t send obnoxious text messages before 6:45. Basically just the opposite of Tony Stark.
Membership Package
● Basic Membership (includes texts and emails) 59.97/month AT JUST $2 PER DAY, OUR BEST VALUE!
○ Hot’n’Heavy Membership (includes texts, emails, nude pics, and sexting) $99.97/month OUR SEXIESET PACKAGE
○ Lovebird Special (includes texts, emails, phone calls, and public social media interactions) $129.97/month FOR THE TRUE ROMANTIC
○ Premium Membership ((includes texts, emails, pics, video, phone calls, sexting, and public social media interactions) $305.00/month EVERYTHING AN IRL RELATIONSHIP HAS TO OFFER, ON YOUR TERMS
[email protected] – INBOX (2)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 15:02:03, 06-15-2012
Subject: Confirmation Order #375562
THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE—DO NOT REPLY
Congratulations! Order #375562 has been reviewed and accepted. You will receive your first contact from your new casual romantic companion shortly. You have signed up for a basic membership, meaning you can expect between 5-30 private online communications per day. If your communications exceed 50 messages from your companion per day, please note that your account will be subject to additional charges of $9.95 USD per 1000 words. There is no limit to the amount of communications you may send. Note that voice phone calls, public social media interactions, video and picture messages, and sexual simulations are not part of this package, and an account upgrade is required to add these services.
Your credit card will automatically be charged $59.97 on the 15th of each month. To cancel, change, or upgrade your subscription, access your account management page at truluvclub.com/account. To avoid accruing additional charges, be sure to modify your subscription prior to the start of a new billing period. Although you may cancel your subscription at any time, all charges are nonrefundable. Note: To preserve the integrity of your naturalistic relationship experience, all TruLuv companions have been instructed not to discuss business matters directly with clients. As such, any questions or concerns about your membership must be directed to customer service, reachable by email at [email protected] or by phone at 1-800-TRULUVV.
With your TruLuvClub membership, you are getting much more than automated texts and emails. Your companion will be hand-selected to meet your needs from a large pool of attractive, intelligent, and qualified professionals. Each message you receive will be sincerely composed by a real human, and your conversations will be equally as real as any other in your life. Remember, your TruLuv membership does not just give you the appearance of a relationship: it gives you the opportunity to participate in one. With time, attention, and care, who can say what it will blossom into?
As with any new relationship, we recommend you spend some time getting to know your companion. Introduce yourself; explain your interests, your history, what you’re looking for. If you do not make a satisfying connection with your companion or believe you are incompatible after one week’s time, you can request a new relationship provider by visiting our help page at truluvclub.com/account/problems.
Happy romancing!
Best wishes and much happiness,
The TruLuvClub Team
The ~only~ organic relationship provider on the web since 2009
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 15:32:40, 06-15-2012
Subject: Happy Tuesday
I’ve been thinking of you and how we met. A sudden downpour on the streets of downtown Malibu, and neither of us with an umbrella. Thinking only to get out of the rain, I ducked into the nearest doorway—and there you were. Your bare arms glittering with rain, your eyelashes hung with faceted drops, your hair swept back by the wind. Maybe it was the cold kiss of the rain and maybe it was the sight of you, but I remember chills running down my spine, my hair standing on end, a feeling in my gut like this was the precipice and I was about to fling myself off it.
I won’t describe you as beautiful because, at least in the cool grey glow of my memory, the entire concept of beauty seems two-dimensional, inadequate—cardboard. I was not struck by beauty but by the incredible, shivering potential of that moment. It took my breath away.
It continues to take my breath away.
Anyway, what I’m writing to say is, I hope you’re having a good day at work. You’re on my mind, lovely girl.
xoxo Alex
[email protected] – SENT (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 16:05:33, 06-15-2012
Subject: Re: Happy Tuesday
Oh god, this was a mistake. I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Please don’t write again.
--
Pepper Potts
Chief Administrative Assistant
Stark Industries
[email protected] – INBOX (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 16:23:06, 06-15-2012
Subject: Cancellation Order #375562
THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE—DO NOT REPLY
Your cancellation of auto-renew has been received. Your account will remain active for the remainder of your paid period, after which time it will be deactivated. Any charges already issued will not be refunded.
You may rejoin the TruLuvClub at any time. If there is anything we can do to improve your customer experience, please contact us by email at [email protected] or 1-800-TRULUVV.
Best wishes and much happiness,
The TruLuvClub Team
The ~only~ organic relationship provider on the web since 2009
Microsoft Lync
James Barnes – Available
IM Call Video Share
Natasha Romanova
Yet another doubter
Am I imagining things, or do I selectively get all the skittish clients?
James Barnes
That’s why I only take photo clients. Gives them something to believe in ^^
Natasha Romanova
Your world-renowned subtlety is showing, Buck
At least half of my clientele would be rather alarmed to see a photo of me
James Barnes
This is what happens when you try to be all things to all people, I suppose! You want me to send you the reassurance email template I use?
Natasha Romanova
Nah, I don’t use templates unless I’m totally swamped
James Barnes
You carry twice the clients I do. I refuse to believe you aren’t totally swamped!
I can barely keep up with I’ve got; don’t know how you do it. keeping all your stories straight, AND making so many lonelyhearts feel connected to you at once. Sounds exhausting, Nat
Natasha Romanova
I’ll tell you when I’m exhausted
Anyway, I’m… skilled at keeping my distance. It’s fun, playing so many roles at once. Like walking a razor’s edge. Keeps me from falling asleep at my desk, at least
James Barnes
Your bragging is highly distracting, you know my feeble brain can only carry on so many conversations at once
Natasha Romanova
Okay, okay, back to work
James Barnes
Talk to ya later
[email protected] – INBOX (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 16:55:21, 06-15-2012
Subject: Re: Re: Happy Tuesday
Okay, it seems like I spooked you. I know this process feels a little weird and artificial at first, but I promise, it gets easier. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to tell you a little bit about myself, to see if we can’t reach an understanding after all. I think we have something to offer each other, Pepper, and since you’ve paid for the whole month anyway, what’s the harm in giving it a try?
Alex
[email protected] – SENT (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 18:10:00, 06-15-2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Happy Tuesday
I thought Relationship Providers weren’t supposed to discuss business with Clients? To “preserve the integrity” of the experience? I mean, you even have some fake humanitarian organization email server set up! How can you tell me about yourself when I designed you—when you’re some whole other person playing pretend because I’m, god, too pathetic to go on a real date?
Here’s the thing: I’m not looking for a relationship or a soulmate or anything like that. I can’t even believe how stupid it sounds, but I only signed up for this because my boss was annoying me about going on a date, and he was so irritating—he can be especially irritating—that I ended up saying that I’m seeing someone, which I’m not. And then on a total whim I signed up for this horrifying service, not to “experience a relationship” but just purely for the appearance of one, like some automated chatbot texts would have done the job just fine, and here we are. Obviously this is a different kind of service than what I need, because what I need is clearly some kind of therapy and possibly to go on an actual date. (I mean, if these are the lengths I’m going to to avoid being set up, then maybe my boss is right, and I really have been single too long...)
I’m sorry for wasting your time.
--
Pepper Potts
Chief Administrative Assistant
Stark Industries
[email protected] – INBOX (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 17:15:46, 06-15-2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Happy Tuesday
Tony Stark, right? Tony Stark is setting you up on blind dates and you’d prefer to talk to some ridiculous impostor than go on another one? Based on what shows up about him in the media, I don’t know that I’d want to meet face-to-face with his relationship decisions either.
So I’ll forgive you for all the thinly veiled insults in that last message. Look: I’ll break the rules a little. As you pointed out, I have already been breaking the rules. I don’t have to be a BA humanitarian worker, aged 25-31, who has a boring Hallmark channel set of personality traits. Instead I can just be a person, who you hired to perform the service of warding off your boss’s unwanted matchmaking, and we can go from there.
I’m a little concerned you’re still checking your work email at—what is it, after six o’clock by you? If it’s okay with you, we can switch to text.
Alex
[email protected] – SENT (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 18:30:07, 06-15-2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Happy Tuesday
Ohhhhhhh my god my work signature. I left my work signature on my email, and now you know that Tony Stark is my boss and he’s the one I’m complaining about, and you already know my real name, and now you can Google pictures of me, and that’s just REALLY CREEPY, okay, Alex? This is all really creepy.
[email protected] – INBOX (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 18:33:52, 06-15-2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Happy Tuesday
I know. I’m sorry. Resisting loudly does not make it any less creepy, btw.
I also know Tony Stark is your boss because you put “the opposite of Tony Stark” on your registration form.
Alex
[email protected] – SENT (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 18:35:12, 06-15-2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Happy Tuesday
I didn’t think you’d SEE that! Shit. This whole situation is totally spiraling out of my control.
Okay. I want to apologize. I didn’t mean to insult you by, um, hurling insults at you. Okay, I meant to insult you, probably because I’m finding this whole thing very humiliated and I didn’t want to be the only embarrassed one. Yet another flawless plan by Pepper Potts.
You’re right. Even if this is a little more—intensely fantastical, let’s say—than I imagined, I might as well get a few texts with hearts in them to corroborate my supposed relationship. If you’re going to be crazy, might as well go full-bore crazy, right?
[email protected] – INBOX (1)
From: [email protected]
Timestamp: 18:41:40, 06-15-2012
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Happy Tuesday
I’m pleased, truly.
Now go home. I am certain you have been at work too long.
< Messages Tony Details
TS 7:02pm: just checking you haven’t been kidnapped, I went by your office just now and it’s deserted
PP 7:03pm: I went home.
TS 7:03pm: You?! HOME?! Pepper it’s barely 7
TS 7:03pm: Are the kidnappers making you say that?
PP 7:05pm: I have plans with a friend
TS 7:06pm: Oh em gee
TS 7:06pm: You HAVE to let me meet him
TS 7:06pm: I’ll arrange a dinner party. You, your beau, a few of my closest friends, the entire media. My place, Friday night, 8 o’clock. I’ll fly in that chef you like from Philadelphia!
PP 7:07pm: I am not doing that. Goodnight, Tony.
TS 7:08pm: You wound me, madam!
TS 7:12pm: Have a good night, Pep.
TS 7:15pm: I look forward to Friday
< Messages Alex Details
PP 6:58pm: Just got home.
A 6:59pm: Glad to hear it!
PP 7:00pm: This is stupid, but I always put full names in my phone. Can I have your full name?
A 7:01pm: Of course! I’d have told you earlier if you weren’t being difficult :)
A 7:01pm: (That was a joke)
A 7:01pm: (A very distasteful joke)
A 7:01pm: (That was the only cheap shot I’ll take about it, I promise)
PP 7:02pm: Your name?
A 7:02pm: Aleksei Roman
PP 7:02pm: Russian?
AR 7:03pm: Nothing gets by you ;)
PP 7:04pm: …I am trying really hard to stay behind the fourth wall but it’s really hard not to be curious
PP 7:04pm: Are you actually Russian? Or is it a weird sex thing? I definitely didn’t put any weird sex things in my profile, I remember that distinctly
AR 7:05pm: Endlessly exploring the pretense makes it ever so difficult to maintain, my dear. Proposition: one out-of-character question per day, honestly answered.
AR 7:05pm: For each of us.
AR 7:05pm: Deal?
PP 7:06pm: I do not love this proposition
PP 7:06pm: I am paying for a service, you know
AR 7:06pm: PEPPER
AR 7:07pm: C’mon
AR 7:07pm: Do you truly want to argue that you are not getting what you’ve paid for?
PP 7:07pm: if you think you can live up to $2 per day, be my guest
PP 7:08pm: I’m sorry, I sound like an asshole again, don’t I? I think I come off better with inflection
AR 7:08pm: Deal or no deal, Potts?
PP 7:09pm: Deal. But only because I feel kinda bad
AR 7:09pm: Luckily for us both, I am not a picky man
AR 7:09pm: Yes, I am actually Russian. (TLC has satellite offices in Russia and India. I’ll let you guess which one I’m from.)
AR 7:09pm: I am also quite curious about this “sex thing” you apparently associate with Russians??? Is there some mystery charisma I could have been capitalizing on this whole time? Do you have a thing for fur hats?
PP 7:10pm: Does this count as your question? Are you cashing out?
AR 7:11pm: I am more intrigued than I thought possible
AR 7:11pm: Yes, this counts
PP 7:13pm: Okay. It’s not the fur hats. It’s the accent. I think it’s a sexy accent. The whole language is kinda sexy, if I’m being honest.
AR 7:13pm: totally worth it. No regrets. I can’t wait to ask another question tomorrow.
AR 7:13pm: Spoilers: it will be about your underwear
AR 7:13pm: JOKING!
AR 7:14pm: I think I might be better with inflection, too
PP 7:14pm: Haha, it’s okay, you made me laugh
PP 7:14pm: I’m going to get myself some dinner. Talk to you tomorrow, I suppose
AR 7:14pm: Be honest. You’re kind of looking forward to it, are you not?
PP 7:15pm: Already used your question.
AR 7:15pm: Well played. Until tomorrow, Pepper. xoxo
Microsoft Lync
James Barnes – Available
IM Call Video Share
Natasha Romanova
I’m in
James Barnes
What did I say about bragging?