Archive of Our Own

Soobin liked to think that he was a good leader for his group. Sure, he’d had his doubts in the beginning, when the production team had announced that he was going to lead the freshly debuted Tomorrow X Together instead of Yeonjun, who was by far the most experienced trainee at the company. But he’d grown into his role now, gained confidence in himself and his own abilities. He was doing a good job; the company and the other members told him so all the time. He was someone they could lean on when things got hard, someone they could trust for guidance and advice when they felt like they were faltering in their careers or even in their personal lives.

Despite all that, Soobin was not expecting the maknae to come to him with a problem like this one.

Kai had grown and changed a lot since the group had debuted, shooting up in height until he was nearly as tall as Soobin and finally adjusting to his long, clumsy limbs. He was still cute, though, still the same, sweet kid that Soobin had adored during their time as trainees. If anything, their relationship had only gotten closer since debut and over the course of the past several comebacks. He was, by all accounts, Soobin’s best friend.

But still. Soobin was kind of stunned when he asked.

Kai had come into his room late one night, after a long day of rehearsals and photoshoots for “Good Boy Gone Bad.” He’d already washed off all his makeup, and his hair was damp from the shower. He was wearing a big t-shirt Soobin recognized as one of his own, somehow managing to look small in it despite the scant few centimeters between them.

“Ning, what’s up?” Soobin asked. “Everything alright?”

Kai was fidgeting with the string on his sweatpants. He was quiet for a second, and then spoke in a tiny, hesitant-sounding voice that Soobin thought was rather out of character for him.

“Hyung, I just–  I wanted to talk to you about something, if that’s okay.”

“Of course,” Soobin replied. He hoped that he sounded more composed than he felt, because Kai’s request and reticent demeanor had immediately set off alarm bells in his head. He couldn’t even remember the last time Kai had prefaced a conversation like this– the maknae usually just put it out there straight away, direct and honest even when he was upset. Whatever he wanted to talk about must be more serious than normal.

Soobin scooted over on his bed, patting the blankets next to him so that Kai could sit. He sat a little further than he usually did, which wouldn’t have even really been noticeable if Soobin wasn’t constantly tuned in to his every move. It was quite a feat, really, for two boys over 180cm to be able to sit on the same tiny bed without even their knees touching, but all it did was make Soobin feel more unsettled. It was unlike Kai to avoid skinship with him.

Kai swallowed, eyes focused on the blankets in front of him. Soobin waited patiently for him to speak. He wasn’t like Taehyun, who needed to be coaxed into talking when things got difficult, or like Beomgyu who preferred to bottle up his feelings until Soobin borderline bullied them out of him. He knew that Kai would explain in his own time, and was willing to wait as long as he needed to feel comfortable.

“Hyung, I was just…. Um,” Kai began slowly. He paused, pulled at the string on his sweatpants again, and then continued. “I was wondering… what’s it like to date someone?”

Soobin was taken aback. He tried not to show it, though, since he knew that it would just make Kai clam up. “Uh… It’s, kind of nice, I guess?” He answered. It was a vague and stupid reply, but he couldn’t get his brain to come up with anything else. “Depends on the person you’re dating. Like, whether or not you match well, and stuff.” 

Soobin wanted to smack himself. He was being about as unhelpful as he could possibly be, but– well, to be honest, he didn’t exactly have extensive experience in this area either. Kai would’ve been much better off asking Yeonjun, or even Beomgyu and Taehyun. The two of them had only ever dated each other, but still. They’d probably be more useful than Soobin was being right now.

“Oh.” Kai’s lips came out in a little pout, eyebrows creasing.

“Why are you asking, Ning? Do you– are you interested in someone?”

Kai gave a noncommittal shrug, but Soobin knew better. The way that he was avoiding eye-contact told Soobin that he was lying.

“Just curious, I guess,” Kai responded. “You know, since I’ve never–“ He cut himself off, mouth snapping shut.

Soobin felt kind of bad for him. Kai, like Taehyun, had joined BigHit when he was still pretty young. Even before the group had debuted and they’d been handed the official two-year “dating ban”, between school and training they’d been too busy to really have the time to get into relationships. 

“Right, well, um… Look, Ningie, I really appreciate you trusting me with this, but I’m just really not the person to ask,” Soobin told him. “If you want, like, actual helpful advice and stuff, then you should probab–“

“No, hyung,” Kai interrupted apologetically. “I really– I was asking you because…” He trailed off, and Soobin waited again until he was ready.

“I was asking because I– umm… I kind of want a chance to practice, before I actually try it with someone for real, and I was wondering if… if you’d teach me.”

As hard as he tried, there was no way Soobin could hide his shock this time. His mouth dropped open, and his eyes were wide as he stared at Kai, completely speechless. Kai wanted to… with him? Again, Soobin definitely was not the person to be asking if he wanted to learn how to date someone, except that– well, Kai trusted him more than anyone else. It made sense that Soobin was the only one he’d want to come to with this.

Kai glanced at Soobin’s face, and then moved to stand up off the bed. “Ah, hyung, sorry… I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “You’re right, it’s not–“ He did a sort of rushed half-bow, and then Soobin shook off his surprise enough to properly respond. He chased after the maknae, who was halfway out the door, and caught his wrist.

“No, I– sorry, you just caught me off guard,” Soobin apologized quietly. “If you– if that’s what you want, Ningie, then… we can try, I guess.”

He almost regretted saying it as soon as it came out of his mouth. He knew, realistically, that it was without a doubt a completely and totally terrible idea. Like, probably top ten worst things that Soobin had ever agreed to in his life– right up there with playing the “I Love You” game with Yeonjun on live television. But the way that Kai’s face lit up kind of made it seem– well, not quite that bad. The maknae’s eyes had gone all wide and sparkly, his pink mouth slack.

“Hyung,” he breathed. “Hyung, I– okay. Thank you, thank you so much.”

“Maybe wait until we’ve actually tried this out before you thank me,” Soobin told him with a good-natured ruffle of the maknae’s hair. “I’m probably going to be a horrible teacher, actually.”

“No, I trust you,” Kai said certainly. “You’re always good.”

Well. That was a very generous assessment of his character, in Soobin’s opinion. He definitely had his flaws, like a tendency to run his mouth when he was anxious and the crippling inability to perform even basic mathematics. But if Kai genuinely thought that, then Soobin was sure as hell going to try his hardest to live up to it.

“What do you want to teach me first?” Kai asked over breakfast the next morning. Soobin looked around quickly, but thankfully none of the other three seemed to be up and out of bed yet. They hadn’t strictly agreed that their little “arrangement” needed to be kept secret, except that Soobin didn’t think that his blatant stupidity in agreeing to do this in the first place would go over very well with smart, level-headed people like Taehyun.

“Uh,” Soobin answered eloquently. “Well… We should probably start with how to ask someone on a date, right?”

“I kind of already did that,” Kai pointed out. His cheeks puffed up adorably as he crammed a massive bite of cereal into his mouth. Soobin knew the stuff was so sugary it was a borderline biohazard, so usually he refused to buy it when it was his turn to go to the grocery store, but… Kai’s puppy eyes were killer. Probably worse for Soobin’s heart than that stupid cereal.

“Right. Okay, well, since you already asked me, you have to pick a spot for the first date,” Soobin told him, and then took a bite of toast. “Usually the person who asks is the one who plans the first date, but you can also ask the other person if they have any preferences, I guess.”

“Hmm. First date places, like… the movies, or something?”

“Sure,” Soobin replied. “The movies are usually a safe bet, although it’s personally not my favorite option. The goal of the first date is to get to know the other person, right? It’s hard to do that when you both have to be quiet and watch the movie the whole time.”

“Oh,” Kai said. He was frowning into his bowl. “So… where do you go instead?”

“Well, you know. A place where you can have a conversation.” Soobin took another bite of toast, and gave himself time to think while he chewed. “Like… I hear that walking by the river is really popular these days? Or, like, arcade dates. Depends on the impression you’re trying to make, I guess.”

“What do you like, hyung?” Kai’s question was suddenly sort of shy, and there was a slight pinkness to his cheeks that Soobin wasn’t sure if he was imagining or not.

“Um, well, I usually like to go somewhere with food,” Soobin replied slowly.

Kai chuckled. “Of course you do, hyung.”

“No– well, I mean…” Soobin scrubbed a hand over his face, and pushed back his bangs. “Yeah, okay, fine, you got me. I like food,” he grumbled. Kai giggled, and Soobin smacked his shoulder with his piece of toast. “Cafés are fun, or like, restaurants, I guess. I probably wouldn’t pick a formal dinner date with someone I didn’t know very well, though, because I wouldn’t know what kind of food they like.”

“I know what food you like, though,” Kai said. “Bread, and chicken, and galbi.”

“Okay, well– yeah, but that’s cheating. We’ve been friends for years, of course you know what I like.”

“Hmm,” Kai hummed lightly. “Okay. I think I have an idea. Do you want to go tomorrow, after filming?”

Soobin blinked, surprised, and then nodded quickly. “Sure, that sounds good. Again, that’s kind of cheating, though, since we have the same schedule.”

The maknae giggled again. “It’s not cheating, we just go together well.”

That was true, and it was something that they liked to say often. They’d gone together well since day one, from the very first time that Kai walked into the practice studio as an awkward, lanky teenager and made eye contact with Soobin from across the room. But it didn’t matter that Kai went well with Soobin, because he wasn’t trying to date Soobin. He was practice-dating Soobin so that one day he’d be ready to date someone else. The idea kind of made Soobin’s toast churn in his stomach, for some reason.

Once filming was over, Soobin went straight home to shower and get dressed. He presumed that Kai had done the same, except he kept trying to figure out if he actually remembered seeing the maknae get in the other car or not while he blow-dried his hair. He then had a small crisis standing in front of his closet, trying to figure out what the hell he should wear. It wasn’t quite as hot as it could’ve been considering that summer was approaching very quickly, but he also didn’t want to be sweating in case Kai had decided on doing something outdoors. 

In the end he decided on a cheerful pink-and-turquoise striped t-shirt that Kai had once said he looked cute in, and a purple zip-up that he threw over the top. That way he could always take it off in the event that Kai had chosen something that involved physical activity– which he doubted, considering that the maknae was highly aware of his preference for staying indoors. He could never be too sure, though.

When he came out to the living room, Kai was already waiting. He looked up when Soobin walked in, and a beaming smile crossed his features.

“Oh! Hyung, we match!”

Kai was wearing a light pink long-sleeved shirt that had a mock turtleneck collar, and a pair of light wash jeans. Soobin felt himself flush when he realized that yes, they did match, and it was kind of grossly adorable that they’d managed to pick coordinating outfits without even consulting each other first. Years of friendship had basically melded their minds together, apparently.

“Hyung, I brought you flowers,” Kai said shyly. “I put them in a vase already, but…” He took Soobin’s arm to lead him into the kitchen, where a cheerful bouquet of blooms sat in a glass vase on the table.

“Oh, Kai, that was so thoughtful of you,” Soobin responded, once he’d found the words. It really was a pretty bouquet, lots of sunflowers and a lot of other stuff Soobin didn’t know the name of, with a big yellow ribbon on the front. Soobin squeezed Kai’s arm, and the maknae smiled up at him. Soobin felt surprisingly touched by the gesture.

The two of them took a taxi to their destination, and Soobin didn’t recognize the address that Kai read the driver off of his phone. It was a comfortable ten-minute ride over while the pair chatted amiably, Kai gesturing excitedly while he described some of the sets that the staff had prepared for his solo shots in the music video. Soobin had yet to see any of the stuff for his own solo shots, so he listened with interest and admired the way that Kai’s eyes naturally shone when he spoke.

When the car stopped and they got out, Kai led him into a pretty, well-lit café. Except it wasn’t just any café, because–

“Oh my God,” Soobin exclaimed, louder than he’d meant to. “Puppies!”

Kai giggled. “You like it, hyung?”

“Oh my God,” Soobin said, again. There was a little gate by the door, and an area where they took their shoes off. Behind the gate, though, in between a dozen or so small tables, a handful of puppies of various breeds were scampering about and playing. Soobin thought he was going to black out from delight– which was rare, for him. Passing out from overexcitement was much more up Kai’s alley, or maybe Beomgyu after a few too many espresso shots.

“Puppies,” Soobin breathed, as soon as they’d gotten past the gate. A rambunctious yellow Labrador puppy noticed them right away, nearly bowling over in its eagerness to jump all over Soobin’s feet. “Kai, this is the best date ever.”

Kai grinned at him, cheeks a little pink – he was probably excited too, Soobin thought. Anyone who wasn’t a literal psychopath would be excited about puppies. “I’ll go order us something to drink, hyung. You stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Soobin was very much happy to stay right there, in fact. He sat straight down on the ground. A couple of other puppies, a beagle, a tiny Bichon Frisé and some sort of terrier mix, had approached him now and started to climb on his lap. 

Soobin lost track of time. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting there with Kai, just talking and giggling and taking so many pictures that he was sure his phone’s storage was going to start complaining. He’d definitely consumed a coffee at some point, which did nothing to tame his energy levels, but he didn’t even realize how many hours had passed until the staff started to close up the café.

“Ah,” Soobin sighed, as they sat in the back of the cab. “I can’t believe I have to go back to stupid comeback promotions after that. Are you sure we can’t just live there, Ningie?”

Kai’s eyes crinkled up when he grinned. “We can go back any time you want, hyung.”

Soobin scrolled through an estimated five gigabytes of photos and videos on the way home, smiling helplessly to himself. There were plenty of puppy photos, but he couldn’t help but notice that the majority of them of were of Kai. Kai holding a little Chihuahua up to give it a kiss on the nose, Kai posing cutely with the Labrador puppy, Kai laying flat on the ground in a puppy pile so enthusiastic that he had a hard time sitting up again.

“Are you going to post those for MOAs?”

The maknae was looking up at Soobin when he asked, eyebrows creased like he was genuinely curious. Soobin knew, internally, that he should. They were good photos, and the fans always liked knowing what they were up to. It was perfectly good, postable content, but something in Soobin wanted to be selfish and keep these memories to himself.

“Nah,” he answered, finally. “You wouldn’t post them if it was a real date, would you?”

Kai chuckled. “Probably not, no.” There was a short pause, and then Kai looked away. “Did I… did I do a good job, hyung?”

He sounded really nervous. Soobin was stupidly endeared by him. “The best, Ningie,” Soobin reassured him. “I promise, someone’s going to think you’re the best date ever someday.”

Soobin reflected on the day, once he was by himself in his room. He was supposed to be teaching Kai how to date, except that Soobin thought it was probably the most unrealistic example of a “first date” possible. He’d never been on a first date that fun in his life, and he doubted very much that he ever would. Kai was sweet, and funny, and easy to hang out with, and– they just went together well. He also didn’t think he’d gotten very much teaching done, considering that they hadn’t even discussed what sorts of questions to ask and good first-date approved topics to bring up. Soobin was too busy enjoying his time with his friend. He’d have to come up with a couple of things to tell Kai later, so that it at least made the time worth it for him.

Neither of them really brought the whole thing up for a week or so, but to be fair they were so busy prepping for “Good Boy Gone Bad” that they hardly saw each other outside of rehearsals or filming. Soobin collapsed into bed at the end of each day completely exhausted, falling into a dreamless sleep that was only broken by his alarm a mere few hours after he’d set it. Whenever he possibly had a spare moment, though, he was thinking of what he might do for a second “date.” It was only fair, he thought, since Kai had arranged the last one, and he figured that it would be good for Kai to experience a date where he just got to go along for the ride. Soobin was just trying to be thorough, and cover all of his bases. He was trying to be a good hyung, he thought, and make sure that Kai felt fully prepared before he went out and tried dating for real. Imagining the maknae going out with someone else made him feel– well, maybe he was just tired.

“Hey, Kai,” Soobin said, trying to sound casual. They were heading back to the dorms after a last-minute recording, and it was one of the very few instances in the last several days where it was just the two of them. Kai looked up from his phone, blinking at Soobin curiously.

“Uh… I was just wondering if you wanted to do a second date? I mean, just because– you know. You planned the first one, and stuff, so I thought it might be good for you to get some experience…”

“Sure, hyung.” Kai was beaming, his bright smile kind of throwing off Soobin’s train of thought for a second. “I’d love to.”

“Okay.” Soobin let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, his nerves dissipating. Why had he been nervous? It was just Kai. And besides, this wasn’t even a real date. It was all for practice, he reminded himself sternly. It had apparently been so long since Soobin had been out on a real date himself that his brain was getting confused.

“When do you want to go?” Kai chirped.

“I was thinking we could go on Saturday, since it’s the last free day we have before the comeback, but… I don’t know. Does that work for you?”

“Yeah, that sounds great,” Kai answered cheerfully. “Do you know what you want to do? What should I wear?”

“Just… I don’t know, anything. You’re gonna be adorable no matter what,” Soobin told him lightly.

“Mmm, you’re giving me way too much freedom there, hyung. What if I show up in a penguin onesie?” Kai said, grinning.

“Like I said, adorable,” Soobin replied. He poked the maknae in the ribs. It made Kai shriek with laughter– he was very ticklish. The sound should’ve been jarring to his ears, except that Soobin had always liked that particular laugh.

Soobin took Kai to Lotte World.

It wasn’t quite as much of a surprise as Kai’s “date” had been for Soobin, considering that Kai’s face lit up and he started clinging almost painfully tight to Soobin’s arm the second he saw the Jamsil station out of the taxi window. The maknae was practically vibrating with excitement by the time they got out of the car. It wasn’t anything new, really, and Soobin probably could’ve gone with something a bit more creative if he’d had more time to plan, but Kai was thrilled. He loved Lotte World every time they went to film, and always talked about it for days afterwards. Except that this time, there were no cameras. This time, they weren’t going as idols. They were just normal human beings– friends, bros. Together. On a kind-of-but-not-really date. At Lotte World.

Kai pulled him straight into the gift shop first thing, parking Soobin in front of the racks full of colorful headbands and animal ears as he started to pull things from the shelves.

“Kai, you only have one head,” Soobin informed him.

“I know,” Kai replied. He didn’t seem the least bit put-out by it. “I’m putting them on you!”

And he did. Kai had the time of his life making Soobin try on basically everything in the store, giggling and taking pictures as he piled on more and more ridiculous accessories. Soobin was afraid that Kai’s exuberance would attract attention, but no one paid them any mind. The masks afforded them anonymity, and Soobin was grateful for them even if it made him a little sad that he couldn’t see Kai’s smile behind the fabric.

In the end, Kai picked a pair of long grey bunny ears for Soobin, and a set of funny little hair clips with flowers sticking out of the top for himself that he pinned on his hair all higgledy-piggly. Soobin paid for them, of course, since he was a good date, and then allowed Kai to take his arm and drag him towards the big swinging pirate ship.

They stopped for lunch after a couple of hours, and even though they were both technically supposed to be on a diet they split a giant cone of cotton candy afterwards that was bigger than Soobin’s head– which was very big, Kai joked. The maknae hadn’t even had to hit him with the pout and the puppy eyes when they paused in front of the cart. Soobin knew he would ask, and he already had his wallet out.

They had just gotten off of the ferris wheel when Soobin got a text from the manager. He made a face when he pulled his phone out of his pocket, eyes scanning the message begrudgingly.

“What is it, hyung?” Kai asked softly.

“Um, apparently they had an issue with my costume for the first comeback stage and had to change it,” Soobin answered. “They want me to come to the company and do another fitting before the staff leave.”

Disappointment flashed over Kai’s face, but it quickly vanished and was replaced with a neutral, calm expression. To anyone else it would look totally normal, but Soobin knew better.“Oh, that’s okay, hyung,” Kai said. “You should probably go, then.”

“Ah, but it’s our last day off,” Soobin replied, regret lighting up in his chest when he noticed the strained edges of Kai’s smile.

“The comeback is more important,” Kai told him firmly. “We can– it’s fine. That’s just the reality of dating as an idol, right? Sometimes it doesn’t go to plan.”

That was a fair point, but it didn’t make Soobin’s frustration any less as they got back in the cab. Kai told the driver to go straight to the company, and Soobin looked at him and raised his eyebrows.

“You don’t want to go home first?”

“Nah,” Kai answered. “It’s okay, I’d rather spend time with you, hyung. It can just be a costume fitting date, instead.”

Soobin chuckled, and reached up to ruffle his hair. It sometimes felt like the maknae’s unending positivity was the only thing keeping him going, which sounded like a really overdramatic statement. It was, but still. That didn’t make it any less true.

Soobin should’ve known that his luck wouldn’t last. Honestly, he was surprised that their stupid plan had even made it this far without someone somehow finding out. The “someone,” in this case, was Kang Taehyun.

“I saw the Lotte World souvenirs in Kai’s room,” he said, conversationally, after he’d walked into Soobin’s bedroom. He was leaning casually against Soobin’s desk chair, but the way that his arms were crossed told Soobin that he was not just here for a friendly chat.

“Oh… yeah,” Soobin replied slowly. “We went yesterday, but it got cut short because I had to go to the company for a fitting.”

“Interesting,” Taehyun commented. “Kai also told me something else that I found even more interesting.”

Soobin heard that for what it was– a thinly veiled threat. He scrambled for some sort of explanation that might excuse the moment of pure, deluded lunacy that had made him agree to Kai’s proposition in the first place. He was coming up blank, though, and Taehyun’s piercing gaze told him that the younger would be able to see through any lie instantly.

“Haha, yeah,” Soobin said intelligently. He wiped his hands, which had suddenly started sweating, on his basketball shorts. “It’s, uh… You know. Casual.”

“No, I do not know, actually. Care to explain, hyung?”

Soobin gulped. Taehyun’s dead stare was a little disconcerting, and it was making him blank out. “He, um, asked me to… teach him how to date, I guess? Because– well, you know, he hasn’t really gotten the chance yet, and he said… He said he wanted to practice before he had to do it for real.”

“Mmm.” Taehyun did not sound mollified by that explanation. “And you thought that dating him for practice was a good idea?”

“I mean, we’re not actually dating,” Soobin explained quickly. “I just– we went to a puppy café last week, and then Lotte World yesterday so that he could kind of– get a feel for it, I guess.”

“Riiiiight,” Taehyun said, expression skeptical. “And then what?”

“I don’t– I haven’t really thought about it, we literally have a comeback tomorrow,” Soobin responded. “I guess we just…” He trailed off, unsure.

“Hm. Well, you might want to think about it at least a little. Exactly how far are you willing to take this, hyung?” Taehyun asked flatly. Soobin knew that theoretically it was just a question, a suggestion, but the look on the younger’s face made him think that it was more likely a warning.

“Yeah, I– I don’t know, it was stupid. I knew it was stupid right from the start,” Soobin confessed. Taehyun raised one eyebrow, but didn’t say a word and just let him continue. “But, I mean… his face, Taehyunnie,” Soobin groaned. “I just couldn’t say no to him, come on. You know the face.”

“Yes, I have in fact seen his face,” Taehyun replied, completely deadpan. “It’s a nice face. But I still wouldn’t agree to date him over it.”

“We’re not actually dating, I’m just doing him a favor,” Soobin reminded him. “And besides, I think Beomgyu might go ballistic if you agreed to date someone else at this point.”

“But, as you say… you’re not dating him,” Taehyun pointed out. “You’re just doing him a favor. As friends.”

“Yes. Yes, that’s right,” Soobin exhaled. “Glad we’re on the same page.”

“Right,” Taehyun said shortly. “Okay, hyung. Just…”

“It’s fine, Taehyunnie, don’t worry,” Soobin reassured him. “It’s just me and Kai, we’re fine. We– we go together well, you know?”

“Yeah. I know.”

Taehyun got it, Taehyun understood, Soobin told himself. The younger wasn’t the type to lie or beat around the bush to make Soobin feel better. If he’d heard both Soobin and Kai out without putting a stop to it immediately, then it couldn’t really be all that bad. 

So why had Taehyun left the room looking even more grim than when he’d walked in?

Soobin didn’t even get a chance to think over what Taehyun had said before Kai dropped another metaphorical bomb on him. He’d knocked on Soobin’s door before coming in, which should’ve been warning number one, and then stood at the end of Soobin’s bed and fiddled with his sleeves. Warning number two.

“Everything alright, Ningie?”

“Yeah, hyung, I just– thanks, for today,” he said quietly. “I had a lot of fun.”

“Even at the company?” Soobin chuckled. “We’re there practically every day of our lives.”

“Yeah, but I was with you, so it was okay,” Kai murmured. “I had a good time.”

“Ah, Ningie. So adorable,” Soobin cooed. “Come here, you big baby.”

Kai did. He crawled over Soobin’s bed, settling beside him on top of the blankets instead of under them. Soobin frowned, but didn’t say anything. He could tell that Kai was struggling with something again, so he just leaned his head against the maknae’s shoulder and waited.

“Hyung…” Kai whispered. “You can say no, if you want, I won’t be mad…” He stopped, swallowed, and went back to pulling at his sleeves. Soobin put a hand on top of his.

“Ask, Ning. You know I’m not going to say no to you,” he told him gently.

  “Will you teach me… how to kiss?”

Soobin froze. He mentally smacked himself for what he’d said less than two seconds ago, wishing he could snatch the words back out of the air and stuff them back down his throat. He knew it was a bad idea– the worst idea, unequivocally the most terrible idea he’d ever heard in his life. It made the “I Love You” game with Yeonjun look as casual as a walk to the park, or a convenience store run. Taehyun’s warning was ringing in his ears. Say no, he told himself sternly. You have to say no.

“I… okay.”

Dammit. Soobin had taken one look at Kai’s face, and the words had escaped him entirely without his permission. Alarm bells were screaming in his brain, except– Kai’s eyes were so, so sparkly, and he looked so happy. It made everything inside him go quiet, and his chest feel all warm and fuzzy.

“Really?” Kai whispered. “Like– now?”

“You want to– right now?” Soobin asked, taken aback.

The maknae shrugged. “Sure, why not? Is it okay to kiss people after the second date?”

“Yeah, I guess…” Soobin replied, hand coming up to touch the back of his neck. “Are you sure? You don’t want to, like… save that? For someone special?”

Kai shook his head. “Don’t worry about that, hyung.”

Soobin exhaled, bangs fluttering up around his face. “Okay. Okay, Ningie.”

“So– what do I do?” Kai asked shyly. He was pulling at his sleeves again, but the motion didn’t didn’t look quite so anxious this time. Just flustered, in a kind of endearing way. Like he was nervous about the prospect of kissing Soobin, even though they were just– yeah.

“Uh, you can just– I mean, do you want me to… kiss you, first? You know, so that you can kind of get the hang of it before…” Soobin was going to actually smack himself. It was stupid, an awful suggestion, he had just volunteered to kiss Kai– his best friend, the youngest member, the baby of Tomorrow X Together. He shouldn’t even be considering it, and yet… when Kai was gazing up at him with his wide eyes and his shiny pink lips it was like all of his reasoning flew out the window. A voice in the back of his head that sounded an awful lot like Beomgyu was whispering you’re whipped, Choi Soobin.

“Yeah, hyung, you can– um…” Kai trailed off, and a scarlet blush bloomed over his cheeks. God, he was cute. Soobin knew, objectively, that Kai was cute, but he’d never really clocked it until he was literally about to have his mouth on the maknae’s.

“Okay. Um, so I’m going to have to, you know– get really close to you,” Soobin said. “I mean, obviously. So if you can just– move your legs, I guess.”

Kai did, sitting up slightly so that there was space for Soobin to clamber over him. It was kind of an awkward position, because Soobin’s bed just really wasn’t made for two lanky boys to be all tangled together like this, and Kai was basically pressed against the wall. He didn’t seem to mind, though. He was still staring up at Soobin wordlessly with round, dark eyes that shone in the lamplight. Kai’s mouth was slightly parted, breath falling over Soobin’s collar bones and making him shiver.

“Alright. Um, this probably won’t be– you know, all that good,” Soobin prefaced hesitantly. “Most first kisses are kind of weird, and uncomfortable, and–“

Kai cut him off by putting a hand on Soobin’s arm. “It’s okay, hyung,” he murmured. “I trust you.”

Right. Okay. So all Soobin had to do now was– do it. They were already so close, close enough that he could’ve counted the tiny smattering of freckles over Kai’s nose. He leaned forwards until their mouths were slotted together, closing his eyes at the last second.

He was right; it was kind of weird at first. They were both still for a moment, and Soobin was just about to pull away, but then Kai understood. He started to kiss Soobin back. It was clumsy and inexperienced, but he was pressing up into Soobin’s lips with such enthusiasm that Soobin couldn’t bring himself to fault him for it. He couldn’t help himself, couldn’t stop his hands from sliding up Kai’s waist until one was gripping his shirt behind his shoulder blades, and one was holding the nape of his neck. Kai was so soft, everything about him was soft and warm and– Soobin liked it. He felt something animalistic and hungry stirring in him when he pulled away, and Kai’s lips chased after his.

“That’s– yeah, that’s good, Ning,” Soobin rasped. Good felt like an understatement, but his brain was too fried to come up with anything else right now. The smell of Kai’s shampoo and the feeling of his skin under Soobin’s hands was making him dumb.

“Hyung,” Kai said. His voice hitched a little. “Hyung, can I kiss you now?”

“Do you– you want to?”

“Yes, I want to,” he whispered. “I really, really want to, hyung.”

Soobin nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Kai was suddenly up in his space again, lips pressing against Soobin’s, his hands coming up to fist the front of Soobin’s t-shirt. It was like Soobin blacked out, except that he was still hyper-aware of everything that Kai was doing. His body was acting on instinct, without his permission, tongue running over the seam of Kai’s mouth. The maknae gasped, allowing him in, allowing him to lick at the inside of his mouth, and fucking hell. Soobin didn’t think he could ever call Kai his cute little angel again, because angels didn’t kiss like this. He tasted like something sort of mild and sweet, and God– Soobin wanted to devour him.

When they finally broke apart again, Soobin’s eyes wandered over the maknae’s face. They lingered on his hair, messy from Soobin’s fingers, his dazed expression, and his swollen, bitten-red lips. He had done that. Soobin had been the one to make Kai look so– debauched, for lack of a better word. Insanity didn’t feel like a strong enough word for what he was feeling right now.

“Good, hyung?” Kai asked.

“Yeah,” Soobin answered roughly. “That’s good, baby.”

Soobin forced himself not to think about it that night, as he lay in bed alone. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it or not, but it felt like Kai’s scent had lingered on his clothing, and his hands left invisible marks on Soobin’s skin.

Exactly how far are you willing to take this?

“I think I’m going to hell,” Soobin said, staring blankly at the counter the next morning. Yeonjun looked up from where he was sitting, putting down his phone and nodding sympathetically.

“Yeah, me too. Anything specific this time, or just a general observation?” He asked lightly.

“It’s nothing, it’s just– Kai,” Soobin answered, too aggravated to finish his reply. He took an aggressive bite of toast, chewing with a vengeance.

“Ah. The ‘horny-for-the-maknae’ kind of hell.”

Soobin actually choked, the shock of Yeonjun’s statement making him inhale a piece of his breakfast. He coughed and spluttered, the eldest just watching him suffer with a smooth expression from the other side of the counter.

“I am not horny for him,” Soobin rebutted passionately, once he actually had the oxygen to speak.

“Yeah, and Beomgyu and Taehyun have never fucked on the couch,” Yeonjun retorted sarcastically.

Soobin yelped. “Wha– they’ve fucked on the couch?!”

“Ha! So you are horny for him,” Yeonjun said, with a shit-eating grin.

“No!” Soobin cried. “No, it’s not like that. Kai is– he’s…” He trailed off, lost for words. The memory of how Kai’s tongue had felt on his flashed momentarily through his brain.

“He’s not a baby anymore, Soobin,” Yeonjun said gently. “He doesn’t need you to treat him like one, either.”

“No, I know that,” Soobin quickly replied. “I know he’s not– but he’s just so… I don’t know. I’m just– I’m worried about him.”

Yeonjun raised one perfect eyebrow. “Worried in what way?”

Soobin went quiet for a second, debating. It was only fair that Yeonjun knew, he supposed, considering that Taehyun had already found out and presumably told his boyfriend. He didn’t think it was fair for the eldest to be the only one left out.

“He– he asked me to teach him how to date, a couple of weeks ago,” Soobin said finally. He couldn’t make eye contact with Yeonjun, just gazed at his half-eaten toast despondently. “I’m just scared that someone’s going to take advantage of him, or something. He doesn’t have a lot of experience, and he’s just– you know how he is. He’s so kind, and he’s got so much love to give. What if he falls in love with the wrong person?”

“That happens all the time,” Yeonjun pointed out. “That’s how dating works, you just try and try again until you find the right one.”

“I know,” Soobin sighed. “I know. I just– I don’t want him to get hurt.”

Yeonjun stood up from his seat. Soobin heard him approaching, but didn’t look up until he felt the elder’s hand make sharp contact with the back of his head.

“Ow!” He exclaimed. “What the hell was that for?”

“For keeping secrets from me,” Yeonjun answered firmly. He then planted a wet, squishy kiss on Soobin’s forehead, which the younger quickly wiped off with a disgruntled look. “And that was for working so hard, Soobin-ah. I know you’re trying really hard to be a good hyung to him.” Then, another evil smile crept over his features. “I’ll keep note, though. I didn’t realize that being a good hyung also involved thirsting over your dongsaengs.”

“No,” Soobin said again, very loudly. “I’m telling you right now, I am not into Kai like that.”

“Ouch. I was kind of hoping my flawless seduction techniques would’ve worked at least a little, by now.”

Soobin screamed, and fell off of his stool. Like, actually screamed, such that Yeonjun immediately burst into cackles. Realistically he should’ve been impressed with himself, seeing as he hadn’t been able to hit a note like that since pre-puberty, but he was too busy panicking and having a full-blown internal meltdown to care.

“Kai,” he squeaked. He paused, forcing his voice down to a normal octave. “Kai, what’re you doing here?”

“I live here,” the maknae replied, looking perplexed.

“No, I– I just meant that you’re supposed to be at the radio station with Taehyun.”

“Oh, you didn’t see the manager’s message?” Kai said. “The host got COVID, they’re postponing until next week.” 

He looked completely unperturbed. There was no sign that he’d even registered what Soobin had said, or the implication that Soobin had less-than-wholesome feelings for him. Not that Soobin did, of course. He was a good hyung, unlike Yeonjun, who seemed to get some sick pleasure out of torturing Soobin and had gone back to sitting in the corner with a cat-like grin.

“Oh,” Soobin responded. He could still hear his heartbeat in his ears, and the spot on his knee where it had accidentally rammed into the underside of the counter twinged. He was definitely going to have a bruise during their comeback showcase, and one of the coordi noonas would probably tell him off for it.

There was a long silence while Kai went into the kitchen to do whatever it was he came to do– grab a glass of water, Soobin thought. He and Yeonjun had a wordless argument the entire time, the elder’s eyebrows wiggling suggestively while Soobin glared and flipped him off repeatedly. They both stopped immediately, though, as soon as Kai turned back around.

“Oh, hyung, by the way,” the maknae said calmly. “I left the hoodie that I stole last week on your bed.”

And that was it. He left the kitchen without another word, leaving Soobin to stare after him with his mouth open.

“You’re going to catch flies, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun sing-songed. He strode over to push Soobin’s jaw shut with his finger. There was a pause while Soobin scowled at him, and then the eldest spoke again. “Kinda fucked that one up, didn’t you.”

“N-no, I… I meant it, I’m not– we’re not like that.” It sounded unconvincing, even to his own ears.

“Soobin.” Yeonjun put a firm hand on his shoulder, turning him so that he had no choice but to look Yeonjun right in the eye. “You can’t sit here and tell me that what you and Kai have isn’t different than the rest of us. I mean, you’d never agree to date me, even just for practice.”

“Hyung, I…” Soobin swallowed. He couldn’t even bring himself to lie, and Yeonjun knew it.

“See?” Yeonjun said softly. “I think you need to talk to him.”

Soobin did not talk to Kai. He was stubborn like that, and he hated taking Yeonjun’s advice even when the eldest was objectively right. To be fair, though, he couldn’t have spoken to Kai even if he’d wanted to. The maknae had started avoiding him.

Kai couldn’t actually avoid Soobin, seeing as comeback season was now in full swing, but he did a pretty damn good job of trying. They were together virtually every second of the day, busy with shoots and performances and interviews so packed together that Soobin hardly even had time to sleep or eat, so it wouldn’t have even looked weird to anyone else. The space between them would’ve been completely unnoticeable to an outside observer– but Soobin knew better. He felt Kai’s absence like a splinter.

Had he done something wrong? Probably. In fact, he knew he’d done something wrong– multiple things, a veritable laundry list of mistakes that had landed him here. Maybe kissing was just the last straw, the one thing that had just been too weird for them to get over. He hoped not. He hoped that they’d get past this, that they’d still be friends despite Soobin’s failures. His eyes trailed after Kai as the maknae followed Taehyun into the car instead of him, chest aching when Kai chose to sit by Yeonjun during the V Live while Soobin’s side of the sofa stayed empty. It was like his heart had become a radio antenna, tuned in to only one station. The silence where Kai should’ve been roared like static in his ears.

“Beomgyu,” Soobin said quietly. The two of them were waiting backstage at Inkigayo while the other three got their mics and in-ears fitted. Soobin knew he didn’t have much time, but he still needed to ask.

“Hmm?” Beomgyu responded, looking up. “What is it, hyung?”

“I just–“ Soobin swallowed, nerves making him feel shaky in a way that he usually wasn’t before they performed. “Why do you like Taehyun so much?”

Beomgyu immediately looked affronted, a frown falling over his features. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“No, wait–“ Soobin said, backtracking quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that, he’s great, you know I love Taehyunnie. He’s awesome, he’s–“

“He’s perfect,” Beomgyu cut in, not an ounce of sarcasm in his voice. Soobin opened his mouth to continue, but Beomgyu shook his head sharply. “No, say it, hyung.”

“Taehyun’s perfect,” Soobin reassured him. “Really, Gyu. He is.”

“Okay,” Beomgyu said, finally looking appeased. “What were you trying to ask, again?”

“I was wondering how you knew that Taehyun was… you know.”

“My soulmate?” Beomgyu filled in. “End-game? The love of my life?”

Soobin swallowed loudly. “Uh, yeah. That.”

“Hmm,” Beomgyu hummed. “In what way? Like, in general, or are you asking about the exact moment that I knew it was him?”

“Both?” Soobin answered hesitantly. He didn’t know how much time they had before they had to get onstage, but Beomgyu started before he could even really consider it. It seemed to Soobin like this was something that the younger had thought about a lot, which was equal parts gross and endearing.

“Well, we started off as just friends, obviously,” he said. “And we had a good connection, you know, honestly not that different from how we are now. Except the more I got to know him, the more I realized that– he changes me. And not, like, in a bad way. He’s perfect, you know?” Beomgyu paused for a second, a wistful expression crossing his face. “At first, I thought that was going to be too intimidating. I thought that there was no way I’d be able to match that, but I realized that instead of making me give up on him, it made me want to try even harder.”

He stopped for a second, and gave a dry chuckle. “I’m not going to lie, it was hard at first. It was back when I was having such a hard time, during ‘Can’t You See Me,’ and all that. I just got really insecure, and I kept telling myself that I didn’t deserve him. But then we were just laying on the floor in my room one day, and…” There was another pause. A smile started to turn up Beomgyu’s lips when he continued. “He looked at me and he said, ‘you make me so happy, hyung.’ And I just– I knew it then. If– if even with all of my insecurities and imperfections and all of the things I hate about myself– even with all of that, if I still make him happy, then I want to be with him and make him happy for the rest of my life.”

Soobin stared. Beomgyu turned to look at him. “Does that help, hyung? I know you’re not asking about Taehyun, but still.”

Soobin was still speechless for a second, but then he finally managed to open his mouth. “Um… yeah. That’s– thanks. I’m really happy for you, Gyu.”

Beomgyu’s face lit up in a beaming grin. “Thanks. I’m really happy, too.”

A voice came on over their in-ears, letting them know that they had one minute before the performance began. Soobin tried to straighten his costume, and pressed down a piece of hair that had popped out behind his headset.

“I’ve never gone out with anyone else, but I’ve never wanted to,” Beomgyu added. “I never will want to. If you’re worried that he’ll be missing out, then don’t.”

The stage lights went up before Soobin could reply.

He found Kai in his bedroom later that week. He’d debated it, agonized over his decision for a long time, wondered if this was just going to be yet another mistake that drove a wedge between their friendship, but–

Kai was sitting in bed, curled up beside a mountain of plushies. He was wearing Soobin’s hoodie, the one he’d said he’d left on the older’s bed. When he looked up at Soobin with wide, shining eyes, Soobin knew that this was the right choice.

“Kai,” he said softly. “Can I talk to you?”

There was a moment where Soobin was afraid that he was going to say no, but then Kai nodded. He scooted over to make room for him, allowing Soobin to sit down on the bed beside him. Soobin’s stomach turned with anxiety as Kai gazed at him wordlessly, waiting.

“Kai, I… I want to say sorry, first of all. I haven’t been a very good hyung to you, lately,” he began. He was struggling a little to keep his voice steady. “You– you said you trusted me, but I haven’t been honest with you,” he admitted. “At least– not the whole time. I went into this genuinely, I wanted to help you, I wanted to make you feel comfortable, and I wanted you to be able to go on and date other people and not feel insecure about it.” He stopped, and looked up at Kai. The maknae was completely expressionless. For the first time in a long time, Soobin couldn’t read him.

He forced himself to continue. He had to clear his conscience, or he knew that this would continue to eat at him. “I don’t know why, but– something changed,” he said. “I wanted to be a good hyung, you know? That’s what I went into this thinking. But then I… I started to see you as something else, as– not just my dongsaeng, any more. Not just my best friend. And… I lied, in the kitchen, to Yeonjun hyung that day.”

He swallowed, twisting his sleeves in his hands. Kai still hadn’t said anything, which Soobin was glad for. He wasn’t sure that he’d be able to make himself continue once he stopped talking. “When you took me on the date to the puppy café, I realized that– that I was never going to have something like that again. We just… we match well, you know? I realized that I would never have as much fun with anyone else as I do with you, and when we went to Lotte World, I thought– if I could make you a fraction as happy as you make me, then… I’d do anything.”

Soobin was rambling now, running his mouth because he was anxious, but the maknae didn’t stop him. “I think it scared me really bad that night, in my bedroom. Before we kissed I knew there was no going back, that if I did it then I’d never be able to go back to seeing you the way I used to. I don’t know why I said yes, it was so stupid, but I did, and– I didn’t mean to take advantage of you, I swear.” 

He paused to take a breath. Kai’s silence rang in his ears. “Kai… if this isn’t what you want, then that’s okay. I know what I promised you, and I’m not going to hold you to anything you didn’t agree to. But I– I had to tell you. I mean, you already figured it out, right? That’s why you started avoiding me.”

Soobin stopped talking finally, out of words. He was unable to make eye contact. Kai probably felt betrayed, deceived, and Soobin was too afraid to look up and see that on his face. He was selfish, and wanted all of his memories of Kai to be happy for as long as possible.

“Hyung,” Kai whispered. “Hyung, I– I started avoiding you because I thought you’d figured out that I like you. I thought you were angry with me.”

Soobin’s eyes snapped up to meet his, and his mouth dropped open. “Wh– what?”

“I heard what you said to Yeonjun hyung and I thought that you were upset,” Kai said. His voice was quivering, eyes darting back and forth between Soobin’s face and the bed between them. “I thought that was your way of trying to reject me.”

“I don’t understand,” Soobin said numbly. “You said that– that you wanted to practice, so that you would know what you were doing when you wanted to date someone else… for real.”

Kai shook his head, biting his lip before releasing it. “I never said that I wanted it to be someone else, hyung.”

For what felt like the fortieth time, Soobin was struck dumb. All he could do was stare at Kai, at his gold-specked irises and his long lashes and the perfect smattering of freckles across his nose. The maknae’s pink tongue poked out to wet his bottom lip, and Soobin’s eyes followed the motion like he was hypnotized.

“Sorry, hyung, I should’ve… I should’ve just been honest with you in the first place,” Kai murmured. He was looking down. “I should’ve just said that I wanted to be your boyfriend a long time ago. I was just terrified of what would happen if you said no. I didn’t want my– my feelings to make you uncomfortable, or something.”

“N-no,” Soobin stuttered. “No, I wouldn’t– I mean, I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable, but I…” He finally captured the maknae’s gaze, heart skipping a beat when their eyes met. He was so cute, so attractive, and Soobin liked him so much it made him stupid. The words rushed out of him on instinct. 

“Ning, will you… be my boyfriend?”

The expression that dawned on Kai’s features was one that Soobin knew he’d never forget. For a second, pure, wild elation lit up his face, but it was quickly replaced by a raging blush and a shy, sweet smile.

“Yes, hyung. I’d love to.”

“Good,” Soobin exhaled. “I– fuck, Ning, I swear to God. You’re so adorable that it just turns me into an idiot. All you have to do is look at me, and I– it’s like all my brain cells die, and–“

Soobin was rambling again, but his mouth snapped shut when Kai climbed right up into his lap and crowded him against the wall. His eyes were dark and seductive, and Soobin gulped. Kai was staring at his lips.

“Hyung,” he breathed. “Kiss me.”

Well. Soobin never had been very good at saying no to him.

They were backstage at Music Core a couple days later, dozens of people buzzing about and getting ready for their stage. Soobin, by virtue of having been the first to arrive, was sitting on the couch and waiting. He’d gotten bored of scrolling Weverse, and had taken to staring at Kai’s side profile while one of the makeup artists brushed a glittery shadow over his lids.

“Do you have to do that in public?” A voice grumbled. Yeonjun plopped down on the couch beside him, wearing a dark purple suit jacket and leather pants. “Your face is grossing me out, it reminds me of Taegyu.”

Soobin frowned at him in confusion. “Uh, what the hell is a Taegyu?”

Yeonjun’s mouth curled into a grin, eyes sparkling like he’d just won the lottery. “Oh, buddy. Wait till I show you the Sookai tag, you are in for a treat. You are not nearly as subtle with the thirstiness as you think you are.”