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What can Catra do
with the body she so passionately hates?
What can she do
with the heart that people broke so many times?
She can't let herself down this time. She fought so many years against enemies that tried to kill her since she was a baby. She survived, yes, but it doesn't mean the fight was over. No. War wasn't even over for her. Whatever was going on inside her head was worse than any battle she took part of. Her old enemies died but there was one person capable of hurting her in ways no one could: herself.
Catra's voice was even worse than Shadow Weaver or Hordak's for the mere fact that it was the confirmation of all the lies her abusers told her all her life.
You are worthless, Catra. It was true.
Whatever Adora sees on you will definitely disappear Catra's voice quoted Shadow Weaver's sayings Her interest in you will fade and it will be the end of you.
It was impossible to escape those voices in her head. Not only Shadow Weaver tormented her, Hordak was there too. Hell, even Adora's voice sometimes resonated in her head to say how happier she is without Catra chasing her around.
Adora, inside Catra's worst nightmares, always tormented her by confessing how miserable she was in the Horde whenever Catra was around. How obnoxious she was. That no one liked her, they all pretended to kin her. It was just acceptance because they had no other option.
Adora, with her honeyed voice, told her how much she loathed Catra. Her personality. Her presence. Her body. Her eyes. Her voice.
The same voice that was moaning at the moment.
Another kiss was planted on Catra's neck. The brunette hummed contented this time. Her lover smiled satisfied, thinking how good her kisses were doing to the smaller girl.
A tight grip on her waist made her moan again, her hoarse voice was not so loud this time. ” Catra is feeling down” Adora could tell by the way the girl was not so active on bed. Well, she normally was the type of brat that likes to boss around and be entirely rude. Adora like it. No... she loved it.
But her Catra is distressed tonight. She is feeling gloomy, down. Whenever her mind wanted to mess with her, she got in a passive state in which she couldn't even speak. Her mind shuts down and her voice no longer comes off her mouth. She will just stare at you like you were the most threatening thing she has ever seen in her life, so ready to fight back if she needs to. It was her Survival mode. It was no fun when Catra entered this state.
“I love you” Adora says as she kisses her girlfriend's neck one more time. This time is a noisy kiss. “I love you so much, did you know it?” she kisses a line from the neck to the jaw. Catra's eyes never stopped following her movements.
It happens whenever Catra was in this state, she would follow you around with her eyes, not leaving you for a second.
“I want you to be happy, kitty” Adora brushes Catra's trembling lips. The smaller girl is sobbing quietly. She was worse before, but she is slowly calming down. Adora was doing her best to make her best friend and girlfriend feel better, she knew her Catra was having nightmares about her abusers, Scorpia and Adora. She resented so much being part of Catra's torment but their therapists told them it was not Adora's fault.
But Adora was definitely part of Catra's therapy.
The brunette brushed her lips against her lover's. She wanted to kiss them so bad but her voiceinher head stopped her from doing so.
” How dare you be in love with Adora?”
” She is way too much for you, she is pretty, talented, powerful. You? You are nothing but a mongrel”
Mongrel.
That was Shadow Weaver's favourite word to refer to Catra, whenever she got bored of calling her 'trash', 'scum', 'nuisance' among others, she would call her mongrel. Why? Because that was what Magicats were to everybody. Humans and animal hybrids are disgusting. Catra knows that.
She was an animal. She knows that. She will give herself away to her instincts as she did back in the Horde, and as she did when she gave Adora's lips a peck.
“I-I'm sorry!” the panicked voice of Catra resonated in the room. She distanced herself from Adora, but she could not go anywhere because the blonde girl had her sat on her lap with both hands on her waist.
She was getting ready to be hit, kicked on the floor or scowled. Whatever. She was ready to take it.
But a gentle hand brushed her cheeks, swiping her tears.
Adora would never hit Catra. Her Catra was the most precious person she had by her side. No one understands her like the brunette. She was her other half. The woman that completed her in a way that was unbelievable. They had different bodies but shared one soul.
The blonde girl smiled at her lover. She was so fragile tonight.
“It's okay, baby” Adora did her best to swallow the tears “If you want to do it again, just do it. Lean on me, you can do anything you want with me” she was brushing Catra's lips as she was speaking. The taller girl did her best not to rush to the other girl's lips, she wanted to taste them so bad. So, so bad. But she had to be patient with her.
“I promise it's okay” she said softly.
What can Catra do
with all the promises that broke her heart?
Nothing. She had to trust Adora again.
“It... it will...” she tries but her tears won't let her speak straight. Adora is patient enough “it is going to be okay for... for real?” she looks at Adora's grey blue eyes trying her best to find a hint that tells her it's all fake and she should be running away. But there's nothing there but love and devotion.
The answer comes in the form of a kiss on her cheek. The warm lips of Adora pressed against her wet skin. Oh, Adora's lips on her skin was all Catra ever wanted when they were in the Horde. When they were teens all she ever wanted was a kiss from Adora's lips. All she wanted was every type of love coming from the only person that loved her.
No.
'Love' is a word too strong for whatever feeling Adora had back then.
Adora never loved her, she just had no one else to hang out with. Or maybe Shadow Weaver was right. Adora only liked her because Catra was the closest thing to a pet Adora could ever get back in the Horde.
Yes, that makes more sense in her head.
Adora will never love me
Adora will never love me
“Adora will never love me...” she laments. Catra lowers her head expecting the worse. She is tired of fighting for a body and soul that worth less than trash. So, so tired of fighting for herself.
Adora fights the tears she has on her eyes. Her heart breaks whenever Catra says those words because she sounds convinced of those statements. They are all lies. But Catra believes those lies.
“I do love you, Cat” the taller girl responds sweetly “I DO adore you with all my soul and heart, don't listen to your head, baby. I want you as much as you want me” she kisses her girlfriend once again; she needs to feel her skin so eagerly she almost feels like dying.
Catra is new to therapy. She was hurt since she was a baby till her abusers left her for good. Twenty years of abuse and she was still trying her best to recover. But war ended two years ago and the scars were still fresh on her skin and brain.
“She doesn't love me!” she screams and tears flow freely down her cheeks “She left me for better people! Sh-she broke my heart!” she chokes on her tears. She sobs and cries even harder this time. It's okay, it is all the pent-up stress she has hidden on her body for too many years and finally she was letting her walls go down.
However, it is hard to convince her when she is in this state of denial.
“I do love you, so much” Adora kisses Catra and hugs her tightly “I love you so much, kitty. I left you once, but I won't do that again” She wanted to promise Catra that she will never leave her again, but the word 'Promise' was still triggering to her.
“I broke your heart once, I'll never do it again” Adora reassures to her girlfriend, who is progressively calming down. At least. She kept whispering sweet words to her lover,each of them filling her heart with hope.
What can Catra do
with a life that was so cruel to her?
What can she do
with her broken heart?
She thinks about Adora's words for a second. Instead of words, she answers with a kiss. It is the best she can do at the moment.
Adora is taken aback, but returns the kiss happily. Her Catra will get better, she knows that. There is no girl like her, so strong and resilient as she is. So beautiful and funny. She knows how unique Catra is so she does her best to keep her girlfriend contented and safe.
Catra can't do much, but kissing Adora is one of the bravest moves she can do in this state. It means that her walls are falling. She is letting her guard down.
Whatever lies her head was telling to her, she won't listen to them. Whatever lie Adora is telling her now, she decides to believe it for once.
Tonight, Adora loved her.