Chapter Text
On that day, for the very first time, I skipped work.
I'd never been the kind of person to skip my classes or ignore my responsibilities on a whim. I knew that it was selfish; the knowledge that people were counting on me to turn up had always won out in my mind. But on that day, I'd felt something change, as if the lights in my mind had been switched off, leaving me scrambling in the darkness. Something inside me, some deep-set fear, was stopping me from going to the agency, from doing my job. On that day, I was terrified of being a detective.
I had spent the entirety of that uneventful school week mulling over what had happened the previous weekend. I couldn't steer my thoughts away from it, no matter how terrible it was to relive. The case files. The forensics. The investigations. The exciting prospect of cracking a big case, of finding the truth all on my own. I'd received nothing but praise up until now, and I'd blindly convinced myself that I was just doing the right thing. I'd done it all without a second thought, pushed forward by my stupid, self-righteous judgement. My thoughts tortured me, getting back at me for what I did.
The way the culprit stared at me. The way his eyes seethed. It was the way you'd look at someone... that you hated more than anything else in the world.
I knew in that moment that I had done something horrible. I'd ruined that man's life forever. He'd probably never see the light of day again, and it was all my fault.
I continued to trudge aimlessly, up and down the unfamiliar school hallways. Classes had finished, so there were only a handful of students still roaming the campus that Friday afternoon. Among the idle chatter, nobody said a word to me. But that wasn't out of the ordinary. I pulled down the brim of my hat and ignored them all.
With my mind occupied, I wandered for a long while, and eventually found myself in a department of the school I hadn't visited before. I collapsed onto a bench nestled under the high windows of a classroom. Light from inside poured down on me from overhead like moonbeams, dousing the hallway in warmth.
I could see into the garden from there, through the glass panels on the other side of the hallway. The garden was small and well-kept. It was walled in by the school building on all sides and quaintly decorated with an array of fountains and greenery. It was a popular locale for students during the day, but now, there was no one to be found. I'd never seen it so empty. It made me feel somewhat uneasy, as if I were all alone in the world.
I looked down at my shoes absent-mindedly. They seemed to float just above the surface of the shimmering floor.
I knew my shift at the agency had long since began... my uncle would surely be angry with me later. But that was the price to pay for being a coward. Only a few weeks had passed since being dubbed an "Ultimate" by the Academy, and already I was giving up. Giving up on my talent, and my future. Giving into my weakness, and my loneliness. Giving nothing of worth to the world. Some detective I was...
I'd started overthinking again, but I just couldn't stop the thoughts from coming. I felt my knuckles whiten and my eyes grow wet.
It was all because I was scared. Because I was worthless.
...
...The deafening silence was broken when I heard something speak to me.
It wasn't a voice. I could tell from the tender, mellow tones I heard emanating from the classroom behind me that it was the sound of a piano being played. It was quiet, delicate, and graceful in a way I couldn't describe. It felt... warm, and undeniably human. I could perfectly picture the pianist's fingers and their careful deliberation, all working as one to create a beautiful song. A song that, I knew, was meant for no one in particular.
And yet, even without words, without understanding why, I could feel the music speaking directly to me. The critical side of me disagreed, but... it felt as if the song was made just for me, just for this moment. It washed over me slowly and gradually, the elegant yet sorrowful sound filling me with unfathomable emotion. It bled into my senses and mixed with my surroundings, until the thoughts in my mind were defined by the melody, and the melody of my heart was in perfect sync. Before I had realised it, I was fully entranced.
I moved together with the music; it took me by the hand and explored my feelings, it let my eyes well up from the weight of it all. The music moved with me; it comforted me, calmed me, soothed my heart with every step we took. My heart danced with the song in the gentle ripple of the moon's reflection on water.
The song came to an end, and my vision was still blurry with tears. I didn't want to ruin the person's day, seeing me like this, so I stood up shakily and left in a hurry.
★ ★ ★
On the train, in class, during breaks, in the evenings... after I'd heard it, the song wouldn't leave my mind.
It wasn't annoying, the way it got stuck in my head. It was... kind of a nice feeling. Whenever I felt down or lost my focus, it was like the song would gracefully sweep me off my feet. I'd never devoted so much attention to something so ordinary before... so maybe that meant it really wasn't ordinary at all. It felt special to me, at least.
...There was a girl in my homeroom who'd stood out to me among all the others. Kaede Akamatsu. She had perfectly sculpted locks of blonde hair, a peppy, cheerful voice and a sparkle in her eyes. Whenever I looked at her, she seemed to glow with positivity. We couldn't be less alike.
This girl, Kaede... she was the Ultimate Pianist. Could it have been her playing the piano in that room? It seemed a likely possibility.
But I didn't want to bother her by asking. Some creepy recluse like me, trying to talk to a beautiful, popular girl like her? I'd ruin everything. It'd be a total embarrassment. No way. I was perfectly alright with resigning myself to simply listening from afar, as long as she'd never find out.
So that's what I did. I began spending any free time I had venturing into the music department, a world of newfound wonder. All the students with musical talents looked so happy, having spent their whole lives around something so wonderful. I silently cursed myself for my upbringing, my waste of a talent... but my jealousy only fuelled my passion.
On some rare occasions, when I found I'd wandered over to the classroom, I'd hear the soft plinking of piano from inside. On such occasions, I would sit there and listen. I'd let it wash over me, slowly and gradually, again and again, day after day. Each song was unique, and even though I didn't understand them or know any of them by name, I never felt lost when I listened. I treasured those short moments of peace among the chaos, and even though I'd get scared and run away every time I heard footsteps, I'd always come back for more the next day.
The week went by in a blur. I was merely going through the motions- attending class, finishing homework, keeping my focus up and my head down. Nothing changed... but I didn't mind. I was just waiting for Friday afternoon to finally come around. Hopefully, whoever this mysterious pianist was, they'd be back to play for me again, so that I could spend a longer while with them and their magic.
So, when Friday finally came, I skipped work once more. That job was the farthest thing from my mind as I waited for the students to dissipate before making my way over to the classroom.
★ ★ ★
As I rounded the corner of the classroom's hallway, a vibrant melody caught me by surprise. The pianist really was there after all. To my delight, they were already playing, and it was unlike anything I'd heard before. I quietly made my way over to my usual spot on the bench and sat down slowly, as if the slightest jolt would disturb the moment.
The songs I'd heard the previous week hadn't seemed too foreign to me; they were exactly what I'd think of when somebody mentioned "classical music". This song was different, though. It flowed calmly in places, but would then suddenly become frantic, almost panicked in others. When I listened, I pictured myself on a boat in a stormy sea, with no choice but to let the ocean choose my fate. I found myself emotionally invested in the song's journey, and although I still didn't quite understand it, I was going to listen until the end, no matter what.
The piece stalled for time, chord after graceful chord, until coming to a reluctant end... and then began the second movement.
This was a different feeling; solemn and sad, but serene. The sound collected inside me, and I could feel its majesty deep in my chest, tight and restricting. It built up invisibly and became heavy, not just in its score, but in my heart as well. It was an anxious feeling that I had felt before, many times, unwillingly... it felt like I had an urgent, selfish need of some sort. I felt like if I didn't do something about it right now... I'd never get the chance again.
The song began to rise, and without thinking, I felt my body rise with it. I lurched out of my seat as the melody climbed, crept over to the classroom door's window as the piano crescendoed, and turned my gaze to what lay inside.
As the piece hit its climax, I saw her.
She sat behind the grand piano, totally enveloped in the moment. Her eyes were gently closed, and her body was moving all on its own, like a puppet at the instrument's beckoning. She leaned into the keys with each emotional stab, with such heartfelt force, all with the most peaceful of expressions on her face. It seemed very unlike her to be so... resplendent. But watching her finally play felt so, very real.
In that moment, I felt the presence of a person right next to me, warm and undeniably human, for the very first time.
Suddenly, instinctively, I dashed away from the door. What was that? I didn't have time to process it, but... did she just look at me? I could've sworn we locked eyes for an instant.
I awkwardly sat myself back down as the melody grew quieter, and I felt a cold chill run down my spine. Oh, this was just perfect. I'd promised myself I wouldn't make things weird and I'd gone and done it.
But despite my anxiety, she didn't stop playing, and I didn't dare leave. The earlier melody had returned, now in a sombre, distorted minor key.
My heartbeat quickened as I fell into the sound. It was the kind of feeling that made me start overthinking. It felt as though... the song was scolding me. I dug my fingernails deeper into my palms and stared at nothing as my mind went blank.
...Why the hell did I do it?
I knew I shouldn't have. There was no reason to. I shouldn't even have come in the first place. I really should have stopped coming before I started telling myself that this was okay. I've just ruined everything. I've ruined everything and it was all my fault for sticking my nose in places I didn't belong, places that didn't involve me at all. And now, thanks to my meddling, spurred by some selfish complex born from my complete worthlessness, she'd suffer for it. Our paths would cross wires, they'd tangle and fray, and she'd be... I'd make her... yet another victim of me...
Just like I always do...!
When the song came to an end with its final climactic phrase, I barely had time to breathe before I heard soft footsteps coming toward me from inside the classroom. I leapt off my seat and sprinted away on instinct.
I heard the door creak open from behind me, just as I rounded the hallway corner, out of sight.
★ ★ ★
I felt empty. Emptier than usual.
I found myself back in my old mindset of just getting through each day without confrontation. I started avoiding unwanted attention even more than usual. I started avoiding Kaede Akamatsu completely. I tried to forget about the whole piano thing, reminded myself that it wasn't meant for me to hear. That I'd be perfectly fine without it.
The absence of that distraction meant I was more conscious of the people around me at school. They all seemed so happy, so content with their lives. Surrounded by friends, smiles all around, without a care in the world. Each of them connected with tight bonds of mutual care and joy.
I was jealous. I knew, deep down, that no amount of piano-listening would change the fact that I really was alone.
With each passing day of sitting silently at the back of the classroom, watching my classmates eating together, laughing together, living their lives... I felt the invisible wall between me and the world grow thicker. But that was okay. I felt safer behind it. It meant I wouldn't end up ruining anyone's life ever again. I wouldn't have to... look anyone in the eye if I didn't want to...
The tightness I'd felt in my chest hadn't gone away since. It was the same tightness I'd felt two weekends prior, when I locked eyes with that murderer. Those cold, blackened eyes... and that feeling of tightness, of constriction, like my heart was about to implode. Like I'd just done something that I could never take back.
I wanted out of this feeling. I wanted to scream and cry it all out... but I didn't even know how I'd put it into words.
Maybe I deserved to feel this way.
★ ★ ★
The end of the week came slowly. I'd tried to mentally prepare myself to join my uncle at the agency after school, like I was supposed to. I couldn't keep letting him and everyone else down like this. I waited in a quiet spot in the communal garden for the bell to ring, signalling the end of the school day.
But it came and went, and I didn't move. As the countless Academy students shuffled past me, out of the school walls and out of sight... I couldn't bring myself to follow them. I just sat there, shivering, staring at my shoes as they floated just above the shining grass.
The lights in my mind had flickered out once again.
I sat there, thinking about nothing, for a very long time. I blocked out everything around me and focused on the whisper of wind blowing through the trees above. I watched as my sulking shadow slowly faded into the darkness of dusk.
And, in those sullen moments... all I wanted was to hear it again. I wanted it to wash over me, and I wanted to dance with it under the moonlight. I wished that I could hear it for the first time, one more time...
After an inconceivable amount of time, I got up from my sitting position and went back to trudging aimlessly through the endless labyrinth of the school halls, hoping to get lost in its unknown depths. Just as I'd done all those weeks ago.
I pulled the brim of my hat down over my eyes, and walked until my soles ached. I walked until my sight got blurry, and then walked some more. I walked aimlessly, silently... on and on forever.
★ ★ ★
...
The deafening silence...
...
...is broken.
I hear it... speak to me.
The sound of a piano being played. Quiet, delicate, graceful. Warm, and... undeniably human.
I rub my eyes clean, and find myself sitting in my spot on the bench near the classroom. The moonlight pouring out from the high windows envelops me in its glow as the gentle melody echoes throughout the darkened hallway.
And, just like the first time I heard it... the song sounds so clear, and so true. I can feel the bitter truth in every sound. I can truly feel it reaching out, speaking out to me.
Almost as if it desperately wants me to listen.
I... want to know... how it's even possible to...
...
I hear the classroom door click open.
"Oh! Hey, Shuichi."
The song's interrupted halfway through when I hear something else speak to me. And this time... it's a real voice.
I snap back to reality. I turn my head quickly, and find myself looking at Kaede Akamatsu straight in the eye.
For an eternal moment, she stands there, under the moonlight, as the song resounds out of the room and into my world. She gazes down at me, and I can only stare back up at her glowing face in stunned silence. Kaede's bright eyes sparkle with a song so beautiful, I can't help but listen.
On this day, for the very first time, my heart skips a beat.